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Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less
A bold and inspiring memoir and manifesto from a renowned voice in the women's leadership movement who shows women how to cultivate the single skill they really need in order to thrive: the ability to let go.
Once the poster girl for doing it all, after she had her first child, Tiffany Dufu struggled to accomplish everything she thought she needed to in order to succeed. Like so many driven and talented women who have been brought up to believe that to have it all they must do it all, Dufu began to feel that achieving her career and personal goals was an impossibility. Eventually she discovered the solution: letting go. In Drop the Ball, Dufu recounts how she learned to reevaluate expectations, shrink her to-do list, and meaningfully engage the assistance of others - freeing the space she needed to flourish at work and to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships at home.
Even though women are half the workforce, they still represent only 18 percent of the highest level leaders. The reasons are obvious: Just as women reach middle management, they are also starting families. Mounting responsibilities at work and home leave them with no bandwidth to do what will most lead to their success. Offering a new perspective on why the women's leadership movement has stalled, and packed with actionable advice, Tiffany Dufu's Drop the Ball urges women to embrace imperfection and to expect less of themselves and more from others - only then can they focus on what they truly care about, devote the necessary energy to achieving their real goals, and create the type of rich, rewarding life we all desire.
Once the poster girl for doing it all, after she had her first child, Tiffany Dufu struggled to accomplish everything she thought she needed to in order to succeed. Like so many driven and talented women who have been brought up to believe that to have it all they must do it all, Dufu began to feel that achieving her career and personal goals was an impossibility. Eventually she discovered the solution: letting go. In Drop the Ball, Dufu recounts how she learned to reevaluate expectations, shrink her to-do list, and meaningfully engage the assistance of others - freeing the space she needed to flourish at work and to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships at home.
Even though women are half the workforce, they still represent only 18 percent of the highest level leaders. The reasons are obvious: Just as women reach middle management, they are also starting families. Mounting responsibilities at work and home leave them with no bandwidth to do what will most lead to their success. Offering a new perspective on why the women's leadership movement has stalled, and packed with actionable advice, Tiffany Dufu's Drop the Ball urges women to embrace imperfection and to expect less of themselves and more from others - only then can they focus on what they truly care about, devote the necessary energy to achieving their real goals, and create the type of rich, rewarding life we all desire.
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First published January 1, 2017
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February 24, 2017
I found this book disappointing, probably due to the marketing as much as anything else. I had seen this advertised as a measured response to Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In," but it merely turned out to be Tiffany Dufu's version of the same story. The endorsement by "Quiet" author Susan Cain had me hopeful - but while Dufu does spend a great deal of time discussing household communication, the tales of her networking activities were more than enough to make an introvert's head spin. It's an amazing feat that she gets any work done at home or at the office between all the cocktail parties and coffee dates, even if many of these activities are part of her job description (and that of her husband).
Many readers of "Lean In" complained that it was out of touch with non-executive women. In this regard, Dufu deserves credit for featuring a few stories of more "average," lower-income women (a bus driver, for instance) navigating the demands of unforgiving work schedules, child care, and household management. But I wish she would have given them more attention.
Dufu may not be a Google executive, but her personal story had much the same thrust as Sandberg's, with the drive for a trophy career at its root (even if that wasn't one of her explicit personal goals, her story read this way to me). While Dufu pushes the unrealistic dream of "having it all" to the side, when it comes to "dropping the ball," there is only one arena in which that attitude is ever entertained - the home. It is always mail piling up, home projects that settle for "good enough" - but I didn't recall Dufu ever describing how she passed off organizing a big event to a colleague so she had a more manageable load. Perhaps this was merely the boundaries the book drew for itself. Ironically, while Dufu is hyper-focused on helping her readers break free of the stifling pressure of the invisible homemakers' meritocracy, she merely advocates prioritizing one meritocracy (the workplace) over another (the home). I guess I was bound to be disappointed by a book that presumed all of its readers had their priorities in the same order (but not without some obligatory lip-service to diversity in families and social circumstances).
The main problem with this narrative is that it dismisses the many motivations mothers have for working - more often than we'd like to admit, it is not primarily for personal development (though that is always a nice bonus), but in order to pay the bills and support their family (and perhaps because they are terrified that taking a few years off will forever eliminate their ability to gain and sustain a professional job in perpetuity, which again, is depressingly realistic. Western society may have accepted that pregnancy doesn't merit a compulsory resignation, but it has not yet accepted that a few years of raising children full-time does not reduce all of a woman's education and skill to a worthless heap). Most working mothers already do most of the things Dufu recommends - such as abandoning perfectionism and control, going to bed on time, and "delegating with joy." When there's very little room to "drop the ball" at home, it makes one wonder why it always seems out of the question to consider dropping it anywhere else. The subtle message is that if women don't want high-powered careers, they don't belong in the workplace at all. Where are the options for women who want to support their families, but don't have their heart set on making it to the top? Why are our only choices "go for the C-suite" or nothing? Why is the trendy solution to the work-life balance "have your husband do more around the house," rather than "negotiate a flexible schedule" than prioritizes the health of a working mom and her family? Why is it working parents that have to drop the ball, rather than their employers? I wish that Dufu would have asked some tougher questions that would have set her story apart from "Lean In."
Many readers of "Lean In" complained that it was out of touch with non-executive women. In this regard, Dufu deserves credit for featuring a few stories of more "average," lower-income women (a bus driver, for instance) navigating the demands of unforgiving work schedules, child care, and household management. But I wish she would have given them more attention.
Dufu may not be a Google executive, but her personal story had much the same thrust as Sandberg's, with the drive for a trophy career at its root (even if that wasn't one of her explicit personal goals, her story read this way to me). While Dufu pushes the unrealistic dream of "having it all" to the side, when it comes to "dropping the ball," there is only one arena in which that attitude is ever entertained - the home. It is always mail piling up, home projects that settle for "good enough" - but I didn't recall Dufu ever describing how she passed off organizing a big event to a colleague so she had a more manageable load. Perhaps this was merely the boundaries the book drew for itself. Ironically, while Dufu is hyper-focused on helping her readers break free of the stifling pressure of the invisible homemakers' meritocracy, she merely advocates prioritizing one meritocracy (the workplace) over another (the home). I guess I was bound to be disappointed by a book that presumed all of its readers had their priorities in the same order (but not without some obligatory lip-service to diversity in families and social circumstances).
The main problem with this narrative is that it dismisses the many motivations mothers have for working - more often than we'd like to admit, it is not primarily for personal development (though that is always a nice bonus), but in order to pay the bills and support their family (and perhaps because they are terrified that taking a few years off will forever eliminate their ability to gain and sustain a professional job in perpetuity, which again, is depressingly realistic. Western society may have accepted that pregnancy doesn't merit a compulsory resignation, but it has not yet accepted that a few years of raising children full-time does not reduce all of a woman's education and skill to a worthless heap). Most working mothers already do most of the things Dufu recommends - such as abandoning perfectionism and control, going to bed on time, and "delegating with joy." When there's very little room to "drop the ball" at home, it makes one wonder why it always seems out of the question to consider dropping it anywhere else. The subtle message is that if women don't want high-powered careers, they don't belong in the workplace at all. Where are the options for women who want to support their families, but don't have their heart set on making it to the top? Why are our only choices "go for the C-suite" or nothing? Why is the trendy solution to the work-life balance "have your husband do more around the house," rather than "negotiate a flexible schedule" than prioritizes the health of a working mom and her family? Why is it working parents that have to drop the ball, rather than their employers? I wish that Dufu would have asked some tougher questions that would have set her story apart from "Lean In."
January 9, 2020
Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less
by activist Tiffany Dufu had me very enthused and motivated at the beginning, as it seemed to be well on its way to delivering on the promise of its book description. But one by one, misgivings started to crop up, grow, and multiply, so that by the end of the book I was unsettled by Dufu's most basic assumptions and motivations.
To begin with, while this book appears to hold up Dufu's marriage as a bastion of ideal communication and harmony, I began getting flummoxed and finally became fairly exasperated at how bad she really was at communicating, at least to begin with. She held in her frustrations and annoyances with her husband Kojo to the point of physical stress, even occasionally flinging out passive-aggressive barbs, if not outright verbal attacks. She did eventually find a way to talk to Kojo, but only after she had hemmed, hawed, and obsessed about developing just the right phrasing and presentation with which to express herself, emphasizing the correct way of wording what she wants to say, rather than improving her genuine assertiveness.
That's because she did not see communication as a valuable end unto itself but rather the means to a goal – "expressing" her "feelings" was actually pitching a well-rehearsed argument meant to manipulate her husband into taking the actions she had already decided in advance that she wanted him to take. She had already unilaterally formulated the solution; his only role was to come to her conclusion while thinking it was his own idea. (To her credit, on the occasions when her husband surprised her by veering from her preset agenda, she did listen and seemed genuinely open to what he was saying, but the fact that she went in to every marital discussion as if it were a tactical military operation just really rubbed me the wrong way.) And while I get that "because it helps me achieve my goals" might work from a reverse psychology point of view, it doesn't help advance the more germane point – that a husband doing his fair share in the physical labor of a marriage is simply fair, and if he doesn't, he's kind of a jerk.
Similarly, Dufu sure makes it sound like you should drop the ball on anything that you don't feel is the "highest and best use of your time" and simply expect your husband to do it. Well, I doubt he really feels like scrubbing the toilet is the highest and best use of his time either, but if you can't afford a housekeeper, then someone's got to do those kinds of jobs eventually. Dufu gives women a pass to just declare we're not doing the chores we deem beneath us and expect and require our husband to pick them up, without advocating any negotiation and compromise for sharing of the crappy work. She seems to operate in this strange middle ground, between clinging to a very antiquated, patriarchal model of he's-the-boss marriage, and wanting something better for her own relationship. But rather than assuming her husband would also want a fairer and more equitable division of roles, she appears to repeatedly underestimate his motivations – for example, she assumes that fathers only contribute to childcare to make their wives happy. Really? Not because they feel any investment in their children's upbringing and want to be involved for the sheer joy of it?
Dufu's entire motivation for "dropping the ball" (and straight into her husband's lap) is so that she has more time to devote to her career, which, because she works in the non-profit field of education and empowerment of women and girls, she seems to place a much higher value on than most of her household- and family-related activities. But she never talks about dropping the ball at work; for instance, what do you do when a manager or coworker is taking unfair advantage, weaseling you into doing work well outside your job description? What if, like most jobs, it comes with boring or administrative busywork that keeps the cogs of the valuable work you do greased? Apparently, craptastic tasks still have to get done at work, where there is nobody to guilt or cajole into taking them off your plate.
And finally, while Tiffany does seem a lovely person and was willing to do some self-examination of her record of home life failures, she has not been quite so forthright here with her work life, where clearly balls that nobody ever picked up have sometimes gotten dropped. The White House Project that she was rightfully proud of got shuttered. Levo, her next project, started up under some sketchy and controversial circumstances. If Drop The Ball was really about "achieving more by doing less" and not just "achieving more at work by doing less at home", where were the counter examples about how to juggle the work-life balance from the work side of the equation? What was sacrificed in the context of her career, and what lessons were learned? Unfortunately, those questions were never even addressed, let alone answered.
I received an Advanced Reading Copy of this book at no cost courtesy of its publisher, Flatiron Books, via Goodreads Giveaways. My review of this or any other book has not been influenced by its mode of acquisition.
To begin with, while this book appears to hold up Dufu's marriage as a bastion of ideal communication and harmony, I began getting flummoxed and finally became fairly exasperated at how bad she really was at communicating, at least to begin with. She held in her frustrations and annoyances with her husband Kojo to the point of physical stress, even occasionally flinging out passive-aggressive barbs, if not outright verbal attacks. She did eventually find a way to talk to Kojo, but only after she had hemmed, hawed, and obsessed about developing just the right phrasing and presentation with which to express herself, emphasizing the correct way of wording what she wants to say, rather than improving her genuine assertiveness.
That's because she did not see communication as a valuable end unto itself but rather the means to a goal – "expressing" her "feelings" was actually pitching a well-rehearsed argument meant to manipulate her husband into taking the actions she had already decided in advance that she wanted him to take. She had already unilaterally formulated the solution; his only role was to come to her conclusion while thinking it was his own idea. (To her credit, on the occasions when her husband surprised her by veering from her preset agenda, she did listen and seemed genuinely open to what he was saying, but the fact that she went in to every marital discussion as if it were a tactical military operation just really rubbed me the wrong way.) And while I get that "because it helps me achieve my goals" might work from a reverse psychology point of view, it doesn't help advance the more germane point – that a husband doing his fair share in the physical labor of a marriage is simply fair, and if he doesn't, he's kind of a jerk.
Similarly, Dufu sure makes it sound like you should drop the ball on anything that you don't feel is the "highest and best use of your time" and simply expect your husband to do it. Well, I doubt he really feels like scrubbing the toilet is the highest and best use of his time either, but if you can't afford a housekeeper, then someone's got to do those kinds of jobs eventually. Dufu gives women a pass to just declare we're not doing the chores we deem beneath us and expect and require our husband to pick them up, without advocating any negotiation and compromise for sharing of the crappy work. She seems to operate in this strange middle ground, between clinging to a very antiquated, patriarchal model of he's-the-boss marriage, and wanting something better for her own relationship. But rather than assuming her husband would also want a fairer and more equitable division of roles, she appears to repeatedly underestimate his motivations – for example, she assumes that fathers only contribute to childcare to make their wives happy. Really? Not because they feel any investment in their children's upbringing and want to be involved for the sheer joy of it?
Dufu's entire motivation for "dropping the ball" (and straight into her husband's lap) is so that she has more time to devote to her career, which, because she works in the non-profit field of education and empowerment of women and girls, she seems to place a much higher value on than most of her household- and family-related activities. But she never talks about dropping the ball at work; for instance, what do you do when a manager or coworker is taking unfair advantage, weaseling you into doing work well outside your job description? What if, like most jobs, it comes with boring or administrative busywork that keeps the cogs of the valuable work you do greased? Apparently, craptastic tasks still have to get done at work, where there is nobody to guilt or cajole into taking them off your plate.
And finally, while Tiffany does seem a lovely person and was willing to do some self-examination of her record of home life failures, she has not been quite so forthright here with her work life, where clearly balls that nobody ever picked up have sometimes gotten dropped. The White House Project that she was rightfully proud of got shuttered. Levo, her next project, started up under some sketchy and controversial circumstances. If Drop The Ball was really about "achieving more by doing less" and not just "achieving more at work by doing less at home", where were the counter examples about how to juggle the work-life balance from the work side of the equation? What was sacrificed in the context of her career, and what lessons were learned? Unfortunately, those questions were never even addressed, let alone answered.
I received an Advanced Reading Copy of this book at no cost courtesy of its publisher, Flatiron Books, via Goodreads Giveaways. My review of this or any other book has not been influenced by its mode of acquisition.
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January 11, 2019This was an eye-opener about some of my own habits in my marriage and I'm glad I read this. At heart, it's a book about how women "wanting it all" put unnecessary stress on themselves and others to do so because that's what they've been shown needs to be done. Men, on the other hand, have been shown that they don't need to pick up the pieces or the slack. Social conditioning. So, when a woman finally says that some of the things that don't take her to her highest and best self -- remembering to pick up the dry cleaning and tightening screws in the closet -- she can delegate those tasks and accept the fact that her partner will do them they want he knows how to best do them. That doesn't mean they make best use of his highest and best self, but it does in the sense it gives him ownership of household maintenance, too. The takeaway for me on this one was accepting that the way my husband does things I ask of him is okay. I don't need to micromanage since it's not done the way I would do it. It got done; that's good enough. By praising the work getting done, that positive reinforcement ensures more happens in the future. By not micromanaging, I'm not nagging and I'm also accepting the fact that my husband might be teaching me something about a task or himself.
The breaking down of gender stuff was interesting; I'd be really fascinated to see this looked at from a same-sex couple perspective, too. I suspect tactics and suggestions are the same, but the science and research behind it would be interesting.
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink now and instead, read another book.
The breaking down of gender stuff was interesting; I'd be really fascinated to see this looked at from a same-sex couple perspective, too. I suspect tactics and suggestions are the same, but the science and research behind it would be interesting.
I'll let the dishes sit in the sink now and instead, read another book.
August 20, 2017
I really wanted this book to be a life changer much like The Japanese Art of Tidying Up was to me. Alas, this book was 90% straight up disconnect and 10% tantalizing and thought provoking. In some ways, I adopted many of the tactics the author recommends from the very start when I had my first child because I had no desire to be the perfect mother, I just wanted to retain some semblance of myself while being a mother. This meant dropping a lot of expectations that I didn't fully believe in to start.
The disconnect showed up in various ways. I was astounded that the author who meticulously plans meal preparation for a week, didn't plan on how to take pumping breaks at work. Five minutes of Googling will provide copious amounts of information on how to do this. Even more incredulous, though, was that she actually let the mail pile up for four months and let bills go to collections because she delegated with joy to her husband and was not going to undermine her own decision. Of all of the hills to die on, this one affects your credit rating. I'm still dumbfounded by it.
The tantalizing portions were few and far between, but usually consisted of holding up a mirror to our society and reflecting back how it portrays mothers and fathers and neatly sorts them into gender roles.
Things I wish she had added: more practical tips on how to delegate. I would pay real money for someone to explain to me how to delegate with joy the full-on management of the household - not just individual chores - so that reminders and prompts are no longer required. I know she had MEL, the spreadsheet extraordinaire, but what happens when in the division of labor, the husband takes the male-gendered tasks anyway? How do you navigate the division of labor when one spouse significantly out-earns the other? These would have been a lot more helpful than hearing about her work in the glittery non-profit world of New York and all of the famous people she gets to meet.
The disconnect showed up in various ways. I was astounded that the author who meticulously plans meal preparation for a week, didn't plan on how to take pumping breaks at work. Five minutes of Googling will provide copious amounts of information on how to do this. Even more incredulous, though, was that she actually let the mail pile up for four months and let bills go to collections because she delegated with joy to her husband and was not going to undermine her own decision. Of all of the hills to die on, this one affects your credit rating. I'm still dumbfounded by it.
The tantalizing portions were few and far between, but usually consisted of holding up a mirror to our society and reflecting back how it portrays mothers and fathers and neatly sorts them into gender roles.
Things I wish she had added: more practical tips on how to delegate. I would pay real money for someone to explain to me how to delegate with joy the full-on management of the household - not just individual chores - so that reminders and prompts are no longer required. I know she had MEL, the spreadsheet extraordinaire, but what happens when in the division of labor, the husband takes the male-gendered tasks anyway? How do you navigate the division of labor when one spouse significantly out-earns the other? These would have been a lot more helpful than hearing about her work in the glittery non-profit world of New York and all of the famous people she gets to meet.
February 11, 2021
Let go of perfection. Make your partner a true partner. Use your time on things that matter. Delegate. Drop the ball and let your partner pick it up.
There you go. I just saved you 300 pages and a bunch of time.
Why do people insist on filling up pages when they don't have anything worthwhile to say?!
There you go. I just saved you 300 pages and a bunch of time.
Why do people insist on filling up pages when they don't have anything worthwhile to say?!
January 7, 2019
I picked up this book because a colleague of mine said most career books for women didn't have useful information for her as a person of color. So, I went actively looking for a book by an author of color that had high ratings and, sadly, it took some doing to find one. However, I'm not sure that this book will meet my colleague's need as it ended up primarily about giving up on being a perfectionist homemaker/mother and learning to focus on what's most important with your limited time for career, marriage, motherhood, and home.
With that said, I do think you can take some of the principles of the book and apply them to work. Especially as stereotypically, women can be assigned/volunteer for so many projects that are not seen as career advancing but that benefit the company. See https://www.cnbc.com/2018/08/27/why-w...
As someone who does juggle two teenage boys/home with a full-time career and long commute, this book made me even more grateful for my husband and also made me recognize so many traps that I had fallen into in the past. For example, thinking that you're the only one who can be the key contact for all things to do with the kids. We've now happily divided up our areas when it comes to the boys. And my husband is also currently the owner of our social calendar for our family and we've 'trained' our friends to contact him with dinner and trip invites. (In previous years and a different role, that my was in my area.)
Some of the things I ended up talking about with my husband:
- The differences in how men and women think. Men are described as having brains that are full of boxes. For example, one box for the car, one box for work, one box for kids. "The male brain's unofficial rule is that none of the boxes ever touch." Women have "brains full of connected wires." The topics intertwine so it's really hard for a woman to switch off from all the things that need to be done, and often a conversation will veer quickly from one topic to another. While I'm not at all convinced at this being very scientific, it was funny how true both of us found this.
- Expressing gratitude. What Dufu thought was meaningful was very different from what her husband liked.
Finally, Dufu has established four practices that allow her to flourish:
1) Going to exercise (builds your stamina)
2) Going to lunch (can also be coffee, breakfast, etc.; builds your network with sponsors, "sage mentors," peer mentors, promoters, and mentees)
3) Going to events (building your visibility - this also includes volunteering to make presentations, and serve on panels)
4) Going to sleep (she did an eight hours/night for eight weeks experiment and was astounded at the difference)
It's a chatty, share-my-experience kind of book, but also a quick read. I laughed out loud at some of Dufu's misguided attempts to get her husband to do more (and her astonishment to learn about all the other tasks he did and she took for granted). Worth reading if you feel like you are taking on too much at home and want to figure out how to change things up.
With that said, I do think you can take some of the principles of the book and apply them to work. Especially as stereotypically, women can be assigned/volunteer for so many projects that are not seen as career advancing but that benefit the company. See https://www.cnbc.com/2018/08/27/why-w...
As someone who does juggle two teenage boys/home with a full-time career and long commute, this book made me even more grateful for my husband and also made me recognize so many traps that I had fallen into in the past. For example, thinking that you're the only one who can be the key contact for all things to do with the kids. We've now happily divided up our areas when it comes to the boys. And my husband is also currently the owner of our social calendar for our family and we've 'trained' our friends to contact him with dinner and trip invites. (In previous years and a different role, that my was in my area.)
Some of the things I ended up talking about with my husband:
- The differences in how men and women think. Men are described as having brains that are full of boxes. For example, one box for the car, one box for work, one box for kids. "The male brain's unofficial rule is that none of the boxes ever touch." Women have "brains full of connected wires." The topics intertwine so it's really hard for a woman to switch off from all the things that need to be done, and often a conversation will veer quickly from one topic to another. While I'm not at all convinced at this being very scientific, it was funny how true both of us found this.
- Expressing gratitude. What Dufu thought was meaningful was very different from what her husband liked.
Finally, Dufu has established four practices that allow her to flourish:
1) Going to exercise (builds your stamina)
2) Going to lunch (can also be coffee, breakfast, etc.; builds your network with sponsors, "sage mentors," peer mentors, promoters, and mentees)
3) Going to events (building your visibility - this also includes volunteering to make presentations, and serve on panels)
4) Going to sleep (she did an eight hours/night for eight weeks experiment and was astounded at the difference)
It's a chatty, share-my-experience kind of book, but also a quick read. I laughed out loud at some of Dufu's misguided attempts to get her husband to do more (and her astonishment to learn about all the other tasks he did and she took for granted). Worth reading if you feel like you are taking on too much at home and want to figure out how to change things up.
February 26, 2019
3.5 stars.
One of the things that's hardest about the twin problems for women of work/life balance and domestic division of labor is actually figuring out how to fix it. We know the problems but finding workable solutions can feel like just another thing that overwhelms you when you're already overwhelmed. DROP THE BALL's greatest strength is that it understands this and lays out a roadmap with actionable steps and specific examples. Dufu is smart, funny, and personable. Reading the book makes you want to be her friend. Highly recommended, particularly for women with young children or women who are planning to have kids soon.
Now, time for the nitpicking. Because I have some nits to pick. (I always do with this kind of self-help book.) This book should really say up front that it is for a limited audience, specifically: 1) women, 2) who work, 3) are happily married to a man who also works, 4) and have career goals in leadership or even the C-Suite. It also assumes that you are reasonably well-off and able-bodied. If you are most of these things, you should find a lot of useful information here. But if you're a single woman, like me, there's a lot less.
There's one other very significant caveat: the "happily" in "happily married" I added just above is for a reason. This book assumes that you have a husband who really does view you as an equal partner and who really does support your career and who really does want to help out. This is a pretty significant assumption. There are a lot of women who have straight up asked for the things Dufu spends the first portion of the book not asking for and not received them. The assumption that you can drop a ball and your husband will pick it up is one that will leave a lot of women with a permanently dropped ball.
There is a lot of good advice here, I like what Dufu has to say about "delegating with joy" and avoiding the problem of uninvolved fathers, especially with infants. But I admit I felt irked a lot because so much of the work here still falls on women. To be fair, this is a book FOR women who want this specific advice! It really isn't the book's fault. I just wonder where are all the books for men making it clear to them that they aren't pulling their weight and giving them action items...
The final limitation I noticed was in a note I made on one page where Dufu talked about her support system, or "village," to assist with tasks. I wrote, "This is an extrovert's village!" And it is. Dufu knows a lot of people, she has a strong support system, and she's clearly a people person. If you are in a new place, if you work from home, if you are an introvert, it's going to be hard to replicate the many categories of contacts Dufu recommends.
I was partnered in my early parenting/working years and I did give a lot of things up in my career and I did have massive issues in my marriage about division of labor so a lot of what Dufu says rang very true to me. I don't know that her solutions would have worked, but I think they could have been helpful for me if I'd read this earlier in life. And if I ever consider partnering with someone and considering division of household labor again, I will definitely be picking up this book once again. (And giving it to my partner, too.)
One of the things that's hardest about the twin problems for women of work/life balance and domestic division of labor is actually figuring out how to fix it. We know the problems but finding workable solutions can feel like just another thing that overwhelms you when you're already overwhelmed. DROP THE BALL's greatest strength is that it understands this and lays out a roadmap with actionable steps and specific examples. Dufu is smart, funny, and personable. Reading the book makes you want to be her friend. Highly recommended, particularly for women with young children or women who are planning to have kids soon.
Now, time for the nitpicking. Because I have some nits to pick. (I always do with this kind of self-help book.) This book should really say up front that it is for a limited audience, specifically: 1) women, 2) who work, 3) are happily married to a man who also works, 4) and have career goals in leadership or even the C-Suite. It also assumes that you are reasonably well-off and able-bodied. If you are most of these things, you should find a lot of useful information here. But if you're a single woman, like me, there's a lot less.
There's one other very significant caveat: the "happily" in "happily married" I added just above is for a reason. This book assumes that you have a husband who really does view you as an equal partner and who really does support your career and who really does want to help out. This is a pretty significant assumption. There are a lot of women who have straight up asked for the things Dufu spends the first portion of the book not asking for and not received them. The assumption that you can drop a ball and your husband will pick it up is one that will leave a lot of women with a permanently dropped ball.
There is a lot of good advice here, I like what Dufu has to say about "delegating with joy" and avoiding the problem of uninvolved fathers, especially with infants. But I admit I felt irked a lot because so much of the work here still falls on women. To be fair, this is a book FOR women who want this specific advice! It really isn't the book's fault. I just wonder where are all the books for men making it clear to them that they aren't pulling their weight and giving them action items...
The final limitation I noticed was in a note I made on one page where Dufu talked about her support system, or "village," to assist with tasks. I wrote, "This is an extrovert's village!" And it is. Dufu knows a lot of people, she has a strong support system, and she's clearly a people person. If you are in a new place, if you work from home, if you are an introvert, it's going to be hard to replicate the many categories of contacts Dufu recommends.
I was partnered in my early parenting/working years and I did give a lot of things up in my career and I did have massive issues in my marriage about division of labor so a lot of what Dufu says rang very true to me. I don't know that her solutions would have worked, but I think they could have been helpful for me if I'd read this earlier in life. And if I ever consider partnering with someone and considering division of household labor again, I will definitely be picking up this book once again. (And giving it to my partner, too.)
March 11, 2017
Thank you Call Your Girlfriend for getting this book into my life. A lot of this book centers around helping working moms find balance between home and work, and I wish this book had existed for me to read before coming back from maternity leave. I was already recommending this book to people before I'd even finished it.
I related to a lot of the challenges she describes, and I liked that her answers went deeper than "just hire a housekeeper", providing exercises to identify what's really meaningful to you and how to align your day-to-day activities more with your values. I found some of those exercises very enlightening, and would have even before having a kid.
I also appreciated hearing the perspective of a high-achieving woman of color on work-life balance, and the personal stories the author shared of the extra pressures that come into play for people from underrepresented backgrounds. I also appreciated that she talked about her attempts to achieve balance throughout her career, including when she was building her career and didn't have as many financial resources. Too many books on achieving balance assume a reader of privilege and this book made fewer assumptions along those lines (with the exception of one big one -- having a partner, although she does make some recommendations on how to achieve the same support system through shared living arrangements, etc.)
I related to a lot of the challenges she describes, and I liked that her answers went deeper than "just hire a housekeeper", providing exercises to identify what's really meaningful to you and how to align your day-to-day activities more with your values. I found some of those exercises very enlightening, and would have even before having a kid.
I also appreciated hearing the perspective of a high-achieving woman of color on work-life balance, and the personal stories the author shared of the extra pressures that come into play for people from underrepresented backgrounds. I also appreciated that she talked about her attempts to achieve balance throughout her career, including when she was building her career and didn't have as many financial resources. Too many books on achieving balance assume a reader of privilege and this book made fewer assumptions along those lines (with the exception of one big one -- having a partner, although she does make some recommendations on how to achieve the same support system through shared living arrangements, etc.)
February 7, 2017
I received this ARC through a Goodreads giveaway.
I think this is a book that will help a lot of people. I realize that there is nothing wrong with asking for help, or delegating. I never really entertained the idea that allowing or asking other to do things for me will help me succeed. Yes, I know, that sounds so obvious, but just like the author (in the past), I am always afraid that if I other people won't "do it right" (or I feel guilty for not doing something myself.
There is so much potential in have a "true" domestic partnership.
I would recommended this to anyone who wants to learn how they can have it all without doing it all.
I think this is a book that will help a lot of people. I realize that there is nothing wrong with asking for help, or delegating. I never really entertained the idea that allowing or asking other to do things for me will help me succeed. Yes, I know, that sounds so obvious, but just like the author (in the past), I am always afraid that if I other people won't "do it right" (or I feel guilty for not doing something myself.
There is so much potential in have a "true" domestic partnership.
I would recommended this to anyone who wants to learn how they can have it all without doing it all.
July 16, 2018
I guess I either didn't read the reviews well or took the title at face value-- what I didn't want was a woman telling me her story and her thoughts/feelings/discovery about the concept of "having it all" that women fall down the rabbit hole over.
I didn't get far enough into it before I started skimming and therefore did not actually finish this book whose voice (not literally, I didn't listen to an audio) drove me insane and I was already rolling my eyes after several pages.
It is a concept to be aware of, the very nature that women must be all and do all and when they're not doing it, they're still thinking about it. But I couldn't connect and found it irritating. If there were practical applications aside from her personal manifesto more akin to steps, actions, and organization, I would have been happier. I wanted science and recommendations, not a memoir.
I didn't get far enough into it before I started skimming and therefore did not actually finish this book whose voice (not literally, I didn't listen to an audio) drove me insane and I was already rolling my eyes after several pages.
It is a concept to be aware of, the very nature that women must be all and do all and when they're not doing it, they're still thinking about it. But I couldn't connect and found it irritating. If there were practical applications aside from her personal manifesto more akin to steps, actions, and organization, I would have been happier. I wanted science and recommendations, not a memoir.
February 7, 2017
"Drop the Ball" is a how-to guide on 'having it all' based on Tiffany Dufu's experience with her husband. I found myself, as a modern/youngish woman, nodding along with so many of her perspectives and experiences. She explores how, despite how far we have come as a gender, many of the household responsibilities still fall to women. Even if men help out, their contribution (statistically) is not 50%- and this is not always their fault; sometimes women take on more than they need to and/or don't ask for help. The applications of this book are really just towards working women in a committed relationship with a man (she acknowledges that the dynamics are different in same-sex couples), where both partners work outside the home. One of the biggest issues facing the couple is the ingrained sexism we inherit from watching our parents' generation and media- which harms both men and women.
She suggests that not everything must be done perfectly (as this is sometimes why women would rather do the tasks themselves), that we should trust our partners to do housework and do it well, and that we can "drop the ball" by giving up some of these responsibilities to our partners (or sometimes to noone if it doesn't help with your and/or your partner's missions in life). She uses many anecdotes from her own life and those of people she knows to explain these situations and show how they might be aided by a different approach.
I am not usually a lover of self-help books, but this was really incredible. It flows so beautifully and with such clarity/relatableness that I felt like it could have come from my own life experiences. Although this book may not resonate with everyone's situations, I found it to be really poignant and highly applicable to my own life. I see a lot of myself in the situations Dufu describes, and I have been trying to get better about this (especially regarding standards of perfection at home)- it really made me feel less alone with my own struggles and offers up some great strategies for how to allow yourself to let things go, as well as how to approach your partner for help (if this is an issue).
For me, I found the passages about letting perfection go most critical- Dufu tells us to ask for our massive to-do lists and see what actually needs to be done, what can be done in an easier way, and what can be done by someone else. If we prioritize based on our and our family's goals, there are many things we think we need to do that we really do not. I am not saying this as well as she does, but it's a really fantastic book, and I would highly suggest this for women who are struggling to 'have it all'- and who have a male partner (as this is where most of the advice would be applicable; less so for single parents or same-sex couples). There are a few examples of these other situations, but by and large this book is for a fairly specific demographic- but for people in this situation, I think it would be incredibly useful!
Please note that I received this book through a goodreads giveaway. All opinions are my own.
She suggests that not everything must be done perfectly (as this is sometimes why women would rather do the tasks themselves), that we should trust our partners to do housework and do it well, and that we can "drop the ball" by giving up some of these responsibilities to our partners (or sometimes to noone if it doesn't help with your and/or your partner's missions in life). She uses many anecdotes from her own life and those of people she knows to explain these situations and show how they might be aided by a different approach.
I am not usually a lover of self-help books, but this was really incredible. It flows so beautifully and with such clarity/relatableness that I felt like it could have come from my own life experiences. Although this book may not resonate with everyone's situations, I found it to be really poignant and highly applicable to my own life. I see a lot of myself in the situations Dufu describes, and I have been trying to get better about this (especially regarding standards of perfection at home)- it really made me feel less alone with my own struggles and offers up some great strategies for how to allow yourself to let things go, as well as how to approach your partner for help (if this is an issue).
For me, I found the passages about letting perfection go most critical- Dufu tells us to ask for our massive to-do lists and see what actually needs to be done, what can be done in an easier way, and what can be done by someone else. If we prioritize based on our and our family's goals, there are many things we think we need to do that we really do not. I am not saying this as well as she does, but it's a really fantastic book, and I would highly suggest this for women who are struggling to 'have it all'- and who have a male partner (as this is where most of the advice would be applicable; less so for single parents or same-sex couples). There are a few examples of these other situations, but by and large this book is for a fairly specific demographic- but for people in this situation, I think it would be incredibly useful!
Please note that I received this book through a goodreads giveaway. All opinions are my own.
May 3, 2023
If you are or ever plan on being a parent and working, you might get something out of this book.
I do not, and so I didn't.
Her vaguely sexist remarks about men really grated on me. There's a chapter called "Why We Need Men." I mean, seriously, lol. Yes I'm feminist, women need to be lifted up, etc, but goddamn. About halfway through I started to wonder if it's maybe a coast thing? I'm West Coast. And not just any west coast - Portland. Where I had to make a rule when I was online dating that if anyone said a SINGLE WORD about their "garage band" I would not go on a date with them. Slacking is a way of life here.
I don't need help to get my husband to get shit done - I am actually the one who needs to help to get shit done.
It's 100% from the point of view of working mothers, and did not resonate with me.
I do not, and so I didn't.
Her vaguely sexist remarks about men really grated on me. There's a chapter called "Why We Need Men." I mean, seriously, lol. Yes I'm feminist, women need to be lifted up, etc, but goddamn. About halfway through I started to wonder if it's maybe a coast thing? I'm West Coast. And not just any west coast - Portland. Where I had to make a rule when I was online dating that if anyone said a SINGLE WORD about their "garage band" I would not go on a date with them. Slacking is a way of life here.
I don't need help to get my husband to get shit done - I am actually the one who needs to help to get shit done.
It's 100% from the point of view of working mothers, and did not resonate with me.
July 10, 2020
Written exclusively, it seems, for wealthy working moms with supportive partners.
Read
March 25, 2019This book has A lot of promise, and a lot of really great reminders about the emotional labor no one accounts for when it comes to...just being a person. But the main premise, to 'drop the ball' according to what takes priority is precarious at best. When you drop the ball, you gotta know that someone is going to pick it up for sure, otherwise all you are left with is not an organized, stress-free life; but in the words of Rachel Green; ‘Balls all over the place!'
December 24, 2017
Tiffany seems awesome and I loved hearing about her life, but her advice seems obvious to me. Don’t do everything and don’t assume your husband can’t do anything. Check and check. I liked Anne Marie Slaughter’s book on the same topic and I don’t know if this added anything. But i did enjoy the memoir portions of the book.
July 9, 2018
In general, the book had some valid points, but I thought it was overly wordy. Toward the end, I skipped whole sections because they just re-emphasized the thesis of the chapter. I experienced a weird phenomena where I kept thinking, "Ok, now *this* is the last chapter of the book" but when I turned on my Kindle reading-percentage, I was still only about 85% in. In other words, this could have been edited down for brevity. By the 5th time I did that, I decided to be through with the book.
What I enjoyed most about the book was the relationship porn, in that it's a great time to read about other people's dysfunctional relationships and congratulated yourself on your own family dynamic. On a high level, I could understand where she's going with her points, but I thought some of her tactics like the spreadsheet and the "Delegating with Joy" was a little patronizing and wouldn't work too well in my family.
I think if my goal were to be a high-powered exec as well as help run a household, the book would apply more to me, but I'm pretty happy being a "Clock in from 9-5, do the bare minimum in household chores, and spend a lot of time reading and playing games" type of worker. Maybe the fact that I already dropped quite a few balls at home makes that possible.
What I enjoyed most about the book was the relationship porn, in that it's a great time to read about other people's dysfunctional relationships and congratulated yourself on your own family dynamic. On a high level, I could understand where she's going with her points, but I thought some of her tactics like the spreadsheet and the "Delegating with Joy" was a little patronizing and wouldn't work too well in my family.
I think if my goal were to be a high-powered exec as well as help run a household, the book would apply more to me, but I'm pretty happy being a "Clock in from 9-5, do the bare minimum in household chores, and spend a lot of time reading and playing games" type of worker. Maybe the fact that I already dropped quite a few balls at home makes that possible.
June 18, 2017
I thought this book was going to be about working women in general, so I was surprised by how much of the text was devoted to getting her husband to do the housework. However, this truly was a manifesto on equal, all-in partnership, and there were many pearls of wisdom on how to determine one's priorities, make sure they are aligned with one's actions and career path, and how to enlist help when you need it. Plus I feel like I've been given the tools for a supportive two-career partnership for the future. Enjoyed listening to Dufu on the audiobook.
October 10, 2017
If you want to achieve more by doing less make sure you read this. Enjoyed every minute of it. "When women are physically fit, well networked, visible and well rested, their leadership is inevitably advanced. We have to institute regular and repeatable practices that allow us to flourish. The practices, which I call the Four Go- Tos, are most effective when integrated into our daily routines. They are the following:
1. Going to exercise (building your stamina)
2. Going to lunch (building your network)
3. Going to events (building your visibility)
1. Going to exercise (building your stamina)
2. Going to lunch (building your network)
3. Going to events (building your visibility)
August 25, 2017
The author, Tiffany Dufu has led organizations that support girls and women’s issues. She and her husband live in New York with their two children, ages 10 and 7. I expected the book to describe strategies to focus on highest priorities at home and at work, leading to better quality of life and improved results. My initial impression is that she overemphasizes dropping the ball at home to achieve more at work. However, the book is Dufu’s personal story. It describes what she needed to do to achieve the vision of her life. She saw a barrier- women take on more responsibilities at home than men do, so it is harder for women to achieve career success. Some of the fault is societal expectation. Some of the fault is our personal desire for perfection.
She starts the book with a description of her struggle to achieve 50:50 distribution of household responsibilities with her husband. She didn’t think he carried his weight, so she was resentful. SHe realized she was guilty of imaginary delegation. Imaginary delegation is when we mentally assign our partners a task, but do not tell them. They are not mind readers, so this tactic is not successful and leads to resentment and stress. One of her mentors said- “resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
She was resentful because her role at home did not fuel her ambitions. She provided a definition of ambition from a book by Anna Fels- ambition is a desire to achieve mastery of one’s craft combined with a desire to achieve public recognition for it. The definition seems odd to me because I never considered recognition to be an essential component of ambition. This definition may work for Dufu and Fels, but I know it is not my definition.
She discusses guilt and the way women use the word- she says women only use the word when they feel like they are failing at home, not when they don’ thrive at work. Again- I disagree. I hear about guilt related to work and home expectations.
Dufu provides a lot of commentary about “Home Control Disease, (HCD).” HCD is an obsessive focus on every detail related to the home and its organization. Based on examples she provides, her case was quite severe. Some of the examples were familiar to me- either I have displayed the behavior or know others who do. Seeing the behaviors described in black and white helps cement how ridiculous they are. But- I agree with her opinion that dirty dishes should not rest in the sink- they go in the dishwasher or get washed by hand immediately. Everyone has their obsession- that is mine.
She associates her HCD with her drive for achievement. She wants to be the best at everything. She was shocked when one of her colleagues told her it is not everyone’s goal to be the best.
Dufu makes an excellent point when she describes false efficiency. If we believe that whatever we can do better and faster we should do ourselves and not delegate. Thus, everything ends up on our list and we burn out.
After describing the problem, Dufu provides her personal solutions. First, she describes three considerations that guide her day-to-day decision making. She considers her legacy (the imprint she wants to leave on the planet), her gifts, and how she wants to spend her time. She used those considerations to determine what activities she would continue and pursue.
Dufu and her husband worked together to determine what they wanted to achieve as a couple. Instead of goals, they developed a set of four questions that they ask when they have a tough decision to make. For them, the questions are:
1. Will this advance women and /or sub-Saharan Africa? (The focus of each of their jobs)
2. Is this true to the values our parents instilled in us?
3. Will this put us on a path to financial freedom?
4. Will our descendants be proud of us?
Once Dufu and her husband determined what mattered most, Dufu was faced with logistics. The framework that they developed often led them to situations that were logistically difficult. For example, her husband worked outside of the US for extended periods of time. These work assignments resulted in a “yes” response for all four of their questions.
To determine how to assign tasks to herself, her husband, or someone else (outsource), she considered a lesson she learned at time management workshop- it is important to focus our attention on areas where we can bring the most value instead of areas where we might be better than others because of experience alone. She realized what you do is less important than the difference you make. (Important message!)
The next section of the book is full of details related to her family’s logistics. There are exhaustive lists of tasks and assigned owners. When she made the list of tasks and chores that she had been responsible for, she shared it with her husband. She was surprised when he provided another list of tasks and chores that he had always done. It was an eye-opening experience for her. In the end, she developed a Master Excel List (MEL) that is an essential tool for family management. Others will likely find a similar method helpful. Some tasks were not important and were assigned to no one.
Dufu includes some information about groups of stereotypes- gender stereotypes, work outside the home vs stay at home moms, moms in the workplace vs women in the workplace without children. In all cases, she feels that society perpetuates the stereotypes and women do not do enough to break through them. An honest look at ourselves and our goals can help fight the effect of the stereotypes and lessen their impact.
The book includes Dufu’s four “Go-Tos” in her routine that she believes help advance her career and quality of life-
1. Going to exercise (to build stamina)
2. Going to lunch (a networking opportunity- helps build an ecosystem of support. The lunch (or coffee, dinner) can be with sage mentors, peer mentors, sponsors, promoters, and mentees. These individuals play various roles in advancing one’s career.
3. Going to events (to build visibility)- She states that smart people who can meet goals are a dime a dozen. To kick their career into high gear, women need to be willing to step onto public platforms that reflect our passions and help differentiate us form our peers.
4. Going to sleep (to build renewal). Adequate sleep helps us get more done during the day.
I like the concept of a go-to list and I understand why the specific items can be important. Her list seems heavy on networking. However, her job in the non-profit sector and fundraising requires constant networking. I would tweak the list before using it for myself.
At the end of the book, Dufu summarizes what it takes to execute a vision for a career- space, thought, careful planning, creativity, and a good night’s sleep. Her emphasis is on decreasing what we do at home, so we can achieve our career goals. On the one hand, I was bothered by her lack of emphasis on the need to be available for our families. However, when I look at the whole book, I understand that her message is that women should not have all the home responsibility. She wants equal partnership in the home, so women have the same opportunities as men in the workplace. This message is occasionally lost by her emphasis on dropping the ball at home.
Her final plea is for women to stop pretending to do it all. We need to be honest. She asks, “What would happen if we all started speaking honestly and openly about our priorities and the choices we make about how to spend our time?” Women need to be more supportive of each other. If women continue to perpetuate the myth that we are doing it all, the next generation will be caught in the same trap.
She starts the book with a description of her struggle to achieve 50:50 distribution of household responsibilities with her husband. She didn’t think he carried his weight, so she was resentful. SHe realized she was guilty of imaginary delegation. Imaginary delegation is when we mentally assign our partners a task, but do not tell them. They are not mind readers, so this tactic is not successful and leads to resentment and stress. One of her mentors said- “resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
She was resentful because her role at home did not fuel her ambitions. She provided a definition of ambition from a book by Anna Fels- ambition is a desire to achieve mastery of one’s craft combined with a desire to achieve public recognition for it. The definition seems odd to me because I never considered recognition to be an essential component of ambition. This definition may work for Dufu and Fels, but I know it is not my definition.
She discusses guilt and the way women use the word- she says women only use the word when they feel like they are failing at home, not when they don’ thrive at work. Again- I disagree. I hear about guilt related to work and home expectations.
Dufu provides a lot of commentary about “Home Control Disease, (HCD).” HCD is an obsessive focus on every detail related to the home and its organization. Based on examples she provides, her case was quite severe. Some of the examples were familiar to me- either I have displayed the behavior or know others who do. Seeing the behaviors described in black and white helps cement how ridiculous they are. But- I agree with her opinion that dirty dishes should not rest in the sink- they go in the dishwasher or get washed by hand immediately. Everyone has their obsession- that is mine.
She associates her HCD with her drive for achievement. She wants to be the best at everything. She was shocked when one of her colleagues told her it is not everyone’s goal to be the best.
Dufu makes an excellent point when she describes false efficiency. If we believe that whatever we can do better and faster we should do ourselves and not delegate. Thus, everything ends up on our list and we burn out.
After describing the problem, Dufu provides her personal solutions. First, she describes three considerations that guide her day-to-day decision making. She considers her legacy (the imprint she wants to leave on the planet), her gifts, and how she wants to spend her time. She used those considerations to determine what activities she would continue and pursue.
Dufu and her husband worked together to determine what they wanted to achieve as a couple. Instead of goals, they developed a set of four questions that they ask when they have a tough decision to make. For them, the questions are:
1. Will this advance women and /or sub-Saharan Africa? (The focus of each of their jobs)
2. Is this true to the values our parents instilled in us?
3. Will this put us on a path to financial freedom?
4. Will our descendants be proud of us?
Once Dufu and her husband determined what mattered most, Dufu was faced with logistics. The framework that they developed often led them to situations that were logistically difficult. For example, her husband worked outside of the US for extended periods of time. These work assignments resulted in a “yes” response for all four of their questions.
To determine how to assign tasks to herself, her husband, or someone else (outsource), she considered a lesson she learned at time management workshop- it is important to focus our attention on areas where we can bring the most value instead of areas where we might be better than others because of experience alone. She realized what you do is less important than the difference you make. (Important message!)
The next section of the book is full of details related to her family’s logistics. There are exhaustive lists of tasks and assigned owners. When she made the list of tasks and chores that she had been responsible for, she shared it with her husband. She was surprised when he provided another list of tasks and chores that he had always done. It was an eye-opening experience for her. In the end, she developed a Master Excel List (MEL) that is an essential tool for family management. Others will likely find a similar method helpful. Some tasks were not important and were assigned to no one.
Dufu includes some information about groups of stereotypes- gender stereotypes, work outside the home vs stay at home moms, moms in the workplace vs women in the workplace without children. In all cases, she feels that society perpetuates the stereotypes and women do not do enough to break through them. An honest look at ourselves and our goals can help fight the effect of the stereotypes and lessen their impact.
The book includes Dufu’s four “Go-Tos” in her routine that she believes help advance her career and quality of life-
1. Going to exercise (to build stamina)
2. Going to lunch (a networking opportunity- helps build an ecosystem of support. The lunch (or coffee, dinner) can be with sage mentors, peer mentors, sponsors, promoters, and mentees. These individuals play various roles in advancing one’s career.
3. Going to events (to build visibility)- She states that smart people who can meet goals are a dime a dozen. To kick their career into high gear, women need to be willing to step onto public platforms that reflect our passions and help differentiate us form our peers.
4. Going to sleep (to build renewal). Adequate sleep helps us get more done during the day.
I like the concept of a go-to list and I understand why the specific items can be important. Her list seems heavy on networking. However, her job in the non-profit sector and fundraising requires constant networking. I would tweak the list before using it for myself.
At the end of the book, Dufu summarizes what it takes to execute a vision for a career- space, thought, careful planning, creativity, and a good night’s sleep. Her emphasis is on decreasing what we do at home, so we can achieve our career goals. On the one hand, I was bothered by her lack of emphasis on the need to be available for our families. However, when I look at the whole book, I understand that her message is that women should not have all the home responsibility. She wants equal partnership in the home, so women have the same opportunities as men in the workplace. This message is occasionally lost by her emphasis on dropping the ball at home.
Her final plea is for women to stop pretending to do it all. We need to be honest. She asks, “What would happen if we all started speaking honestly and openly about our priorities and the choices we make about how to spend our time?” Women need to be more supportive of each other. If women continue to perpetuate the myth that we are doing it all, the next generation will be caught in the same trap.
February 24, 2020
I listened to this book and I thought it was phenomenal! Tiffany is a very smart person. I enjoyed the book because it is steeped in all sorts of research. Tiffany takes the time to cite books and articles that I am interested in following through with. Tiffany carefully addresses how we were raised in American culture to (falsely) believe that we could do it all and do it all perfectly. Tiffany has the double whammy---she is a first born. So am I! I related so much to what Tiffany was talking about although I do not have children. I have this ongoing need to keep our home in as perfect order as possible...when I come home to my haven after the work day I like things to be organized. I also feel during the course of the day that if I have neglected something at home, that weighs on my psyche and I am not giving 100% to my job. And what have been the first things to go as I attempt to do well at work and at home...exercise, time for myself, social time. These are some of the key things that Tiffany starts adding back into her life. To do this, she has an "all-in" partner. Hurray, so do I. And she started to teach herself about things that don't matter...e.g. perfect handmade Valentines. Over the years, I have also learned that I can let my own ridiculous and exhausting expectations of myself go. My example would be, I give myself latitude with deadlines for people in my life. I will get in touch when I can and they know that I am thinking of them but I am swamped on what Tiffany calls the life-go-round! I have to schedule in exercise, socialization, and alone time and NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT! I guess a lot of the ideas are things that we know deep down. Yes, having a well-tuned body can certainly help with our "bandwidth" and how are brain is working at work. It is just refreshing that many, many women (& men) are feeling overwhelmed but there are things that can be done about it. We can overhaul the way we are currently doing things to make room for quality use of our very precious time. Being clear about what our passions are and what differences we want to make on our planet make great first steps!
March 31, 2025
A blend between Fair Play and your favorite women’s leadership book. I appreciated the personal account of a couple with imbalance in domestic responsibilities who consciously worked to resolve that tension and ultimately, stay together.
A few notes:
* if you want something that’s never been done before you’ll have to do something that’s never been done before
* “Imaginary delegation” - mentally assigning a task to a partner without voicing it to them
* “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
* My only hope is expect less of me and more of him
* The breadwinner theory (that the higher earner does less house work) does not play out for women
* Burnout may have more to do with the quality of our tasks than the quantity
* “Tell me about a time when you experienced me at my best”
* The law of comparative advantage — just because you’re better at doing something, doesn’t mean it’s the best use of your time
* Reevaluate your todo list based on your life’s purpose — what is your greatest and best use
* Same sex couples are better at negotiating home management using criteria like skills, talents, and interest (rather than falling to gender defaults)
* Sometimes women are coconspiatord in prioritizing their husband’s career over their own
* “only people who truly believe in us can demand a lot and motivate us to deliver”
* Women are most effective when they are physically fit, well networked, visible, and well rested
* Go to exercise
* Go to lunch
* Go to events
* Go to sleep
* Studies have found no significant difference in closeness, intelligence, social skills etc between children raised by working and non-working mothers
* “We do not need role reversal, we need a new model of partnership”
* If you want to ignite real change you have to meet people where they are
* The women in the workforce revolution has stagnated because of the lack of a parallel revolution at home
A few notes:
* if you want something that’s never been done before you’ll have to do something that’s never been done before
* “Imaginary delegation” - mentally assigning a task to a partner without voicing it to them
* “Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
* My only hope is expect less of me and more of him
* The breadwinner theory (that the higher earner does less house work) does not play out for women
* Burnout may have more to do with the quality of our tasks than the quantity
* “Tell me about a time when you experienced me at my best”
* The law of comparative advantage — just because you’re better at doing something, doesn’t mean it’s the best use of your time
* Reevaluate your todo list based on your life’s purpose — what is your greatest and best use
* Same sex couples are better at negotiating home management using criteria like skills, talents, and interest (rather than falling to gender defaults)
* Sometimes women are coconspiatord in prioritizing their husband’s career over their own
* “only people who truly believe in us can demand a lot and motivate us to deliver”
* Women are most effective when they are physically fit, well networked, visible, and well rested
* Go to exercise
* Go to lunch
* Go to events
* Go to sleep
* Studies have found no significant difference in closeness, intelligence, social skills etc between children raised by working and non-working mothers
* “We do not need role reversal, we need a new model of partnership”
* If you want to ignite real change you have to meet people where they are
* The women in the workforce revolution has stagnated because of the lack of a parallel revolution at home
February 17, 2017
Thnaks Tiffany, what i loved most about this book is that "she never gives up", throughout her journey there are examples when she's faced with challenge, she looks for solutions. I also loved the part where she consults her books (very similar to what i do).
This book has a powerful message, how a woman can want it all, try to have it all but in order to achieve "have it all" - she should (or could) learn to build a little supportive community around her. Writing is very simple, and at times you feel like her life is played in front of you.
She offers some really practical advise, and project management approach to household chores ( I am sure this isn't the first and is not going to be the last).
I am also impressed by her ability to excel in her chosen career within 5 years...while raising 2 kids - that's really a big achievement.
I would have liked to read about how she got into 'Yoga', and what other things she does to enhance her spiritual practice.
Thanks Netgalley for this book.
This book has a powerful message, how a woman can want it all, try to have it all but in order to achieve "have it all" - she should (or could) learn to build a little supportive community around her. Writing is very simple, and at times you feel like her life is played in front of you.
She offers some really practical advise, and project management approach to household chores ( I am sure this isn't the first and is not going to be the last).
I am also impressed by her ability to excel in her chosen career within 5 years...while raising 2 kids - that's really a big achievement.
I would have liked to read about how she got into 'Yoga', and what other things she does to enhance her spiritual practice.
Thanks Netgalley for this book.
February 18, 2017
I received this book as part of a Goodreads giveaway, thanks to Goodreads and Flatiron Booms for my copy. I feel this book is a must read for young women just starting down the path of life, work, marriage, and motherhood. I think it can really give you insight to the whole work/life balance by having that "all-in" partner in your life sooner, rather than later. Through the story of the author's life you can gain real insight on not following the path she was on till she "Dropped the Ball" or if you are already on that path, then how to change it for good.
March 8, 2020
The first half was a bit repetitive, but the second half was thought provoking with some good ideas. Not enough consideration for single Moms or those with less than ideal partners. Still, a good gift for career women becoming first time Moms.
Favorite chapter: Happiness Motivates Everyone
March 26, 2017
I think Drop the Ball will be really helpful to you if you are in Dufu's shoes -- married, children, intense job. If you are not in her shoes, you may appreciate some of Dufu's perspective, but I don't think this is a must-read.
My book club had a really interesting conversation about how women are socialized to do it all, and how deciding not to do it all (to drop the ball) is an active decision, an affirmative opting-out. I think that's worth exploring no matter what your position in life is -- like are you a naturally Type A perfectionist, or is that just how you were socialized and really, you could be perfectly happy letting go of some of your to do list? How do you decide what you're happy to let go of, and what stays on the list? To what extent is it the nagging voice of your mother/Martha Stewart/playground moms making you feel that you have to do or be someone, when actually that doesn't truly matter or align with your priorities? That kind of introspection is always helpful, I think.
But yeah, if you aren't in Dufu's shoes, juggling marriage/kids/jobs, this book is actually a little isolating.
My book club had a really interesting conversation about how women are socialized to do it all, and how deciding not to do it all (to drop the ball) is an active decision, an affirmative opting-out. I think that's worth exploring no matter what your position in life is -- like are you a naturally Type A perfectionist, or is that just how you were socialized and really, you could be perfectly happy letting go of some of your to do list? How do you decide what you're happy to let go of, and what stays on the list? To what extent is it the nagging voice of your mother/Martha Stewart/playground moms making you feel that you have to do or be someone, when actually that doesn't truly matter or align with your priorities? That kind of introspection is always helpful, I think.
But yeah, if you aren't in Dufu's shoes, juggling marriage/kids/jobs, this book is actually a little isolating.
October 15, 2018
Got this from the library but will probably buy. I've honestly read every time management and parenting book for working moms out there, but this one really hit home! Probably because the woman who wrote it made me cringe repeatedly recognizing my own bad behavior in her anecdotes: yelling at husband for not eating leftovers in the order in which they'd expire? Check. Leaving multi-page lists for husband to take care of child while I'm traveling for work that includes such helpful tips as "don't forget to feed them breakfast, lunch and dinner?" Check. Insisting on homemade lunches, handmade classroom valentines, custom birthday party themes? Refold the laundry and rewash the dishes after someone else does them? Check check check. In a word, this book was CONVICTING, and helped me realize how I was sabotaging my own "equal" partnership! It's all well and good to "split up" tasks at home, but if you micromanage and never truly let go and let the other person OWN half the household management, you'll always be stuck doing more -- even as your work responsibilities deepen and your career grows. I realized in reading this that I had let some tasks go, but then insisted on checking that they'd been done to MY liking, and my standards are unrealistically high (plus this is just a jerky way to be). This, Dufu argues, is one way women unintentionally exert control over stuff at home and then complain that their partners aren't pulling their weight. Of course we are tired! We are too busy setting our partners up to fail instead of just trusting that they can be equal adults and parents and then letting GO. Everyone has something unique to contribute; by welcoming a diversity of ideas to solutions, we grow more creative and streamlined at home and at work. She also argues for focusing on the things you do better than anyone else, or what nobody else can do. When we each focus on the areas where we work best, and on the things that ONLY we can do instead of someone else, our priorities are in the right place and we can grow. Finally, her insistence that women get enough sleep and find a way to get exercise has really hit home for me. I'd been really kidding myself that I could thrive without getting enough sleep or making time for fitness, so I'm already rectifying those areas thanks to this book. Definitely could write more; this book is worth the read.
May 3, 2019
I am afraid in this case the author guides you to how to train your husband and teach him how to be a good partner, i can not explain how annoyed i was with this book and all the SOP on how to train your husband so you can be successful. The author started the journey with explaining common challenges we all might face in our working evironment and how to overcome some of them, but at some point she only focused her energy on training her partner, i kept reading hoping for a twist, but nothing happened therefore i had to quit reading! i am happy that i was able to easily jump into another book.
February 10, 2017
Some parts were very helpful but other parts were unimportant or quite obvious. You don't like how your husband doesn't do as much around the house as you even though you both work? It's a simple answer, talk to your husband about it. Don't try to push a feminist agenda because you don't know how to talk human to human.
January 6, 2017
I received this book as part of a Goodreads giveaway from the publisher. I loved this book because the information and tips Tiffany shares are practical AND include her personal experience. There were several times where she could have just been repeating my own thoughts about the challenges women face balancing home and career worlds and wanting to be perfect in both. She clearly articulated what I've felt and shared how she found ways to make that challenge work in her world as she and her husband have navigated 2 successful careers and a healthy family life. I loved the last few chapters where she highlighted how gender equality benefits all of us and isn't just a "women's issue." I have a feeling I'll be revisiting this several times. Thank you, Tiffany for sharing what you've learned and sharing your struggles so transparently!
August 2, 2018
This book is written from the perspective of a working woman who is married and has 2 kids. She writes from this perspective while citing research and examples of working women with different family structures. However, I think this book will probably resonate most with women in a similar family structure to the author. My husband and I already share housework in a way that breaks many gender norms, which is a big theme of the book; the author talks a lot about "dropping the ball" (thus, the title) and allowing your partner to pick it up. While I feel like I had already figured some of that out (i.e. my husband is at home during the day and is able to take the kids to/from school, cook dinner, and much more) this gave me some insight into both of us sharing a better balance, and showing appreciation for each other. Having a better work-life balance is very important to me right now and this book helped me think about ways that is possible. I don't have to do it all (and honestly, I never have) to ensure my kids, husband and self are taken care of and the most important things get done.
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