Four Eyes: A Memoir of a Millennial Caregiver

by Alisha Bashaw

Can Alisha find balance between self-sacrifice and individuation, or will she watch herself slowly fade away in the process? Eight months into graduate school in a new city, Alisha’s mom suffered a heart attack on her dad’s 60th birthday, rerouting her entire life and demanding that she catapult into full adulthood. Four A Memoir of a Millennial Caregiver chronicles the story of Alisha’s struggle to find meaning in the seemingly pointless repeated defeats of her parents’ chronic illnesses that orphaned her in her early 30s. Assuming a caregiving role for her parents in addition to pursuing her own developing life path, Alisha struggles through old maps of thinking where guilt and shame reigned until others were pleased, and she was utterly exhausted. Her witty journey to make sense of it all takes her straight into battle with the crippling grief and powerful darkness that threaten to take over entirely. And to win, she must let go of all she once knew, and follow the unknown into the world of organ donation, deep resiliency, and answerless faith. Sometimes the answer is "I don’t know."

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

340 pages, Paperback

Published October 5, 2021

Reviews

[Mike Keren · Rating 5 out of 5]

(warning, this review has spoilers)I had the opportunity to read an ARC of this book and I must say I feel honored to have done so. Bashaw has written a caregiving memoir that gets you right (as my Yiddish grandparents would say) right in the kishkes. It's gut-wrenching. As a young woman just entering adulthood, Bashaw goes off to graduate school to study counseling. Her studies are interrupted when her mother has a heart attack. What should have been just a heart attack, however, goes on to become an out of control spiral of degenerating health, life-threatening setbacks for her mom and growing stress for her, her dad and her brother struggling to give their mother care. Through it all, Bashaw continues her studies; her student peers and professors serving as a source of strength and nourishment. When the stress finally gets to one of them, it is her father who is felled by a heart attack.
Bashaw examines her family dynamics with honesty. Highlights the secrets regarding their health that the parents had kept form the children. Because of the secrets, the siblings are less prepared for these health crises than they may have been if their parents had been open with them earlier. Of course, had they been open earlier, the parents may have taken better care of themselves and not suffered these consequences.
Ultimately Bashaw must say goodbye to both of her parents (and a beloved dog, Sniff) way too soon in her young life. Her descriptions of grief coupled with the lessons she took form her studies bring the book to a satisfying close. I highly recommend this book. I know that I struggled to put it down each evening to go to sleep.

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

So many feels. I’m going to circle back to this review.

[Amanda McNary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Purely AMAZING and a must read! Alisha’s use of imagery keeps you sucked in throughout the whole book. The honesty and the heartbreak are felt and understood. This book hit me different than any other book has before. Being in the same grad school cohort does not mean you have the same experience. Alisha, you have to be one of the strongest people I know. Sending all of my love…ALWAYS.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since I know Alisha personally since she was a young friend of my daughter’s, I had a vested interest in the story of her and her parents. I met the parents on several occasions. I could see Alisha and her struggles on every page.