The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

by Susan Piver

A revised and expanded edition of the classic relationship book that has helped thousands of couples shape a shared vision for their lives together.

With this simple-yet-profound relationship tool, Susan Piver shows couples at any stage of their relationships--whether they are considering engagement, have been married for decades, or just want to deepen their connection--how they can forge and strengthen lasting, intimate bonds. Focusing on key areas such as home, money, work, community, and family, The Hard Questions contains 100 thought-provoking questions for couples to ask each other,


   • What will our home look like?
   • What are our professional goals?
   • How do you feel about sharing our life on social media?
   • Will we try to have children, and if so, when?

The Hard Questions provides couples with guidance and support for having the kind of conversations that will lead them to a deeper understanding of each other and a happy, healthy, and prosperous future together.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Marriage, Reference, Personal Development, Love

128 pages, Paperback

First published January 28, 2000

About the author

Susan Piver is the New York Times bestselling author of many books, including the award-winning "How Not to Be Afraid of Your Own Life", "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart", "Start Here Now: An Open-Hearted Guide to the Path and Practice of Meditation", and "The Four Noble Truths of Love: Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships".

Piver has been a practicing Buddhist since 1993 and graduated from a Buddhist seminary in 2004. She is an internationally acclaimed meditation teacher, known for her ability to translate ancient practices into modern life. Her work has been featured on the Oprah show, TODAY, CNN, and in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal and others.

In 2013, she launched the Open Heart Project, the largest virtual mindfulness community in the world with 20,000 members.

Reviews

[Barrie · Rating 2 out of 5]

So we probably read this about 4 years too late. This book is clearly for a couple in the very beginning stages of relationshiphood. We pretty much had asked each other about 95% of the questions already in there over the course of our relationship before even talking about marriage, so there really wasn't much for us to discuss. I guess if you haven't asked each other about money, sex, values, the future, work, kids and religion before you even got engaged - then you might want to ask yourselves why you would even consider marrying that person in the first place. And if a book is prompting you to ask more than half of those questions for the first time, then the lack of communication would make me worry that you and your soon-to-be will never communicate properly. I think this book, if anything, while not quite suited for us - just made us realize that we're in a good place to start a marriage together.

[Colette! · Rating 2 out of 5]

My fiancé and I skimmed through this yesterday. There were points where we stopped and had a meaningful response to a question that maybe wouldn't have been asked otherwise, mainly 'cause we're not into point blank quizzing out of the blue, but mostly we just made fun of couples who got this far in the game and haven't yet asked the big guns. (We are, in fact, horrible people and we probably deserve each other.)

[Cynthia Armistead · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is excellent for couples who are considering moving in together or just starting to think about combining their lives. It has lots of thought-provoking questions that are good to consider and discuss.

[Pia Bröker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great for inspiration for questions to ask in any committed relationship. Regardless if marriage is the goal or not and even if the relationship is not romantic at all.

[Alexandria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some fun and some hard questions to ask your partner. Knew most answers though. Good connection building

[E · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thoughtful, gentle, encouraging, and loving. This is the perfect exercise to go through with your partner.

[Tristanti Tri Wahyuni · Rating 3 out of 5]

Perkara jodoh dan pernikahan memang menjadi bahasan yang paling sering mengudara di dalam hidup saya belakangan ini. Namun demikian, tidak ada maksud baper ataupun caper ketika buku ini sampai ke tangan saya. Saya menemukannya pun tanpa sengaja saat jalan-jalan ke pameran. Ketika kemudian saya memungutnya dan menjadikannya salah satu buku belanjaan waktu itu, niat saya cuma satu, saya mau belajar. Hehehe

Buku ini tipis saja. Namun, tak cukup sedikit waktu untuk saya selesai membacanya. Sebab meskipun tipis, membaca buku ini rasanya berat sekali bagi saya. Selain berat di perasaan (tentu saja, haha), di dalam buku ini saya juga menemukan bahasan-bahasan baru yang sangat jauh dari jangkauan pengetahuan saya. Kemudian saya sadari bahwa dalam hal ini, ilmu saya masih jauh dari kata memadai.

Dengan buku ini, saya seolah diberi tahu bahwa sejatinya menikah itu bukan semata perkara bersatunya dua hati yang saling mencintai. Menikah adalah tentang kompromi. Kompromi atas ego masing-masing. Kompromi seperti apa kehidupan yang ingin dijalani bersama pasangan nanti.

“… bukan kurangnya cinta yang menyebabkan suatu hubungan gagal, tapi ketidaksukaan pada kehidupan yang dibentuk bersama.”

— hlm. 10

Dari buku ini pula, ada satu hal yang saya pelajari, adalah tak bijak tergesa ke pelaminan hanya untuk membungkam pertanyaan “kapan”. Sebab setelah menikah, ada banyak hal yang perlu kita kompromikan sepanjang kehidupan.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'd give this book 3 1/2 stars, actually. Perhaps 4 down the line when I have a chance to actually use the questions as jumping-off points for discussion with my boyfriend.

I liked the introduction and how thorough it was. I liked that it's a tiny book and didn't take long to read. I liked that the author introduces each chapter and then gives the questions, allowing plenty of room for discussion because she explains that the book is intended to be used over a period of days or months and not in one sitting.

It seems to be similar to a book my friend N. recommended to me, except that one had something like 1001 questions in it. Obviously 10 times the number of questions to answer probably covers more ground and more thoroughly, but perhaps the benefit of The Hard Questions is that you're more likely to discuss them all? At any rate, I love the idea of discussing important questions with your partner in a safe environment with the goal of understanding and evaluating underlying assumptions, beliefs, values, and goals.

[Maren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I kinda wish I'd read this book prior to my marriage 6 years ago... It would have saved me a LOT of strife, money, heartache, and woe. Now that I feel like I'm in a healthy place in my life, I can move onto that next in my life, with a boyfriend I feel 100% confident that I can build an amazing life with.

Super quick read. I finished it in an hour and a half... one morning at the gym for 30 min on the bike, and two mornings on the train for 30 min each. ALL books should be this easy to read.

[Yoonmee · Rating 4 out of 5]

For a short, little book, it's filled with some pretty good questions couples need to be asking one another before they tie the knot. Heck, they should probably discuss these things before they get engaged. Many of the questions seemed a little bit silly b/c my boyfriend and I had already discussed that type of stuff in detail, but it's still good to have questions like that laid out there and put on the table.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. Most of the stuff in the book I had already discussed with my husband but it got more of an in-depth discussion going. So, my advise would be to expect to spend a meals-time together and agree to openly discuss the subjects honestly. You also need complete privacy for one-on-one time with no interuptions.

[Jon Callard · Rating 2 out of 5]

The writing is so bad that this is really hard to read at times. I found myself reading the same passage several times trying to decipher what the author was trying to say. Having said that, this is a great exercise for people to go through before marriage. Especially if you and your fiancé don't communicate very well. If you do communicate effectively, the questions aren't very hard at all.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

never ones to do things in the normal sequence, we're going through this book after the wedding. it's been helpful in provoking some pretty interesting conversations so far. it seems to be just as helpful to have afterwards as it would have been before (saying i do).

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ironically, I just bought this book again, thinking I'd never seen it before, only to learn I had actually read this in the past. I thought it might be a sign so I'm putting it back on the 'to-read' list. :)

[S · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I used this book when we were engaged. Now, 7 years later, we are still thankful to have given this a read. The minister of the church we were attending at the time was so impressed with this book he has since been using it for his premarital counseling sessions.

[Kari June · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was great for laying out the important things to consider when deciding to move forward with someone and the best questions to answer honestly to help you know how to grow together. Loved it, and don't skip the intro it's what got me to buy it.

[Hoan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good and def. important if you are at that stage and need to know if you and your "potential spouse" are ready to tie the knot.

[Laurelyn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Many interesting questions.

Not really a "read". More of a "stay awake all night contemplation" thing... Don't use for bed time reading or discussions because you won't get any sleep!

[Lynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've learned that Jamie's suggestions (i.e., this book) are good ones, and that even though I think about a lot of these things, there are some questions I hadn't asked or thought to ask outright.

[Dawna Pearce · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I needed to know about 25 years ago... at least I know now. Sometimes one just doesn't know how to ask some things either.

[Diah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yes, all the questions should be answered before say "I do" for itu :)

[Jonathan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was assigned as pre wedding homework. It had some interesting parts though it was mostly common sense questions.

[Julie Kwiat · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been thinking lately about the hard questions that need to be asked when a couple make the decision to move in together or start a serious journey together. Honestly this has been on my mind due to the fact that I've recently gotten into a new relationship I feel will turn serious soon. I stumbled across this book on a recommendation page through audible and I thought what is the harm in hearing what tough questions should be asked coming from an author who has clearly had experience. Some of the questions that were in this book got me thinking along the line and topic of finances and money, others made me consider spiritual beliefs and life in the future, where to live, how will you take care of your parents at old age, or what will happen in a real serious medical emergency. This book was important to read but not ALL questions I'd consider asking my spouse.

[Lindsey Mazur · Rating 3 out of 5]

Casually combing through all the lingering unread books on my shelf... this one is a great lil resource for self-reflection, and even though it's intended to be answered alongside a serious partner, I found a lot of the questions helpful jumping off points to simply ask myself as an individual. Do I want kids eventually? What do I want my home to look like? What is my five year plan? What role does a long-term partner serve in my life? I loved being able to reflect on some of these questions, especially as I enter a new decade. Handy dandy. 3.5 stars, rounded down, because like, it's just a book of questions lol

[Kiley · Rating 4 out of 5]

While not all questions will be applicable to everyone, this is a very comprehensive list of questions that lead to many insightful and eye-opening conversations with your partner. Such a great way to learn more about the person you love most (although it seems like you should definitely know the answers to most or should have already had these conversations prior to even getting engaged, in my opinion). It’s definitely a good way to cover all your bases and make sure there are no lingering hang ups or dealbreakers.

[Jackie Mellin]

I’ll hold off on formally reviewing until Patrick and I go through the questions together as a couple. This is a presumptuous gift from my mother as we are not yet engaged lol but I look forward to some deeper conversations that I know we should have that the questions will deliver.

I really liked the foreword, on how love affairs and relationships are not the same. Love affairs thrive in being surprised, while relationships grow by being known. Moving from a love affair to a partnership is a necessary step which is not glamorized but beautiful and worthwhile.

[Yamato · Rating 3 out of 5]

Filled with many thought provoking questions.
My wife and I have discussed many of the topics, but there are others that we should discuss.

It is very important to be very open to each other’s opinions. There is nothing that can not be solved.

Hope to bring some of these questions up during our date nights to discuss our futures together!!

[Partof Shan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is just reading material I have got from a friend with whom we are doing a “interview/researching” project together recently. (Read in Chinese.)
I read it fast because I am not at the place to answer many questions yet. But the questions give me a dry structure of the “whole picture” of marriage. It is interesting to know. (shrug)

[Shirin A.]

I'm not entirely sure why I decided to read this book as I have no plans of saying "I do" anytime soon (or ever really!), but what I can tell you is that if you are planning to get married or are simply in a relationship, it would seem to me highly beneficial to sit with your partner and go through these questions.

[Emily · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some great ideas of questions for you and your partner to discuss, but I felt like the whole book could've been shorter and the introduction to each group of questions wasn't really necessary.