I hear you: Talking and listening to people with Alzheimer's

by Jane L. Mahakian, Alyson Kuhn

Talking and listening to people with Alzheimer's makes many of us uncomfortable. We may be inclined to contradict, to tune out, to become impatient. This knowledgeable guide will increase your confidence and show you many ways to connect kindly with someone with dementia. The same practical points apply whether you're interacting with a family member, a patient, a client, a colleague, or even someone you know more casually. You can promote purposeful living and preserve independence, even in brief encounters or visits. The more of us who become fluent in talking and listening to people with dementia, the less socially isolated and at risk this still-growing group will be.

As neurologist William Shankle observes in the book's foreword, "From a scientific perspective, the final frontier is not space, as Star Trek proclaimed, but rather the understanding of behavior .... Dr. Jane Mahakian's direct experience, knowledge, and wisdom in finding solutions to these difficult problems is akin to that of an artist applying their creativity to express a new way of seeing the world."

At the heart of "I hear you" are vignettes that will give you a glimpse into the realm of forgetfulness. You may find yourself nodding or smiling as you read them, or you may be touched or surprised.

Gerontologist Jane L. Mahakian has specialized for more than 30 years in managing the care of people with forgetfulness, primarily Alzheimer's and other dementias. Writer Alyson Kuhn sought Dr. Jane's guidance when she needed to move her mother, who lived gracefully with dementia for more than ten years, to a memory care community. Alyson's detailed email exchanges and many phone calls with Dr. Jane over several years formed the basis for their "I hear you" writing partnership.

180 pages, Paperback

Published February 16, 2021

Reviews

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Even though you will not beat dementia, you can enrich a person with dementia’s moment-living life and find new ways to connect with them. For people with dementia, as for all of us, feeling acknowledged and valued (rather than feeling ignored or alone), can make a world of difference,” write Jane Mahakian and Alyson Kuhn. Hoping to find better strategies to communicate with Dad, I started this helpful and concise book after reading a positive review in a newsletter. I liked how the authors recommend ways to enter a person with dementia’s reality of living in the moment instead of expecting them to enter our reality and to focus on what they can do, not what they cannot. Knowing that readers are more likely to connect with stories, the authors include vignettes sharing how caregivers positively addressed different situations. I learned to not correct people with dementia, create routines, look for ways they can contribute and reminisce about the past. The authors encourage readers to treat people with dementia with dignity and respect, play to people’s strengths, thank and complement people with dementia to reinforce their sense of self-worth, and to be flexible. I hope no one reading this review will ever have someone they love develop dementia. If you do, I strongly recommend this book.

[Eroca Brawne · Rating 5 out of 5]

When one of my loved ones began showing signs of dementia—such as repeating themselves, struggling with short-term memory, losing language skills, and becoming easily confused—I was initially filled with a sense of dread and helplessness. Having never encountered dementia up close, my first reaction was one of fear, and I was unsure of how to cope with what seemed like an overwhelming situation. However, after reading this book, I gained a much clearer understanding of the condition. In particular, the sections detailing Alyson Kuhn’s interactions with her mother, and how she skillfully redirects conversations, were eye-opening. It helped me realize that people with dementia are not at fault for their symptoms and may not even fully comprehend what is happening to them. This insight was comforting and shifted my perspective. The book also offered practical strategies for coping with the changes, showing me that there is still much I can do to support my loved one and adjust to this new reality. I now feel better equipped to handle the challenges ahead, and I’m certain that other family members would also benefit from reading it to help them understand and navigate this journey more effectively.

[Johnny Milgram · Rating 5 out of 5]

AN ABSORBING PAGE-TURNER, "I HEAR YOU" COULD BE AN ENVIABLE TED-TALK ON CARE-GIVING AND DEMENTIA
The goal of the co-authors is to empower caregivers with skills to achieve breakthroughs in communicating with their dementia patients. Simple yet innovative conversational techniques are advanced that affectionately establish bonds of trust and cooperation. The authors suggest that caregivers set aside their conditioned responses to behavior because in the mental household that is not fully functioning, time may no longer be linear and reason and logic no longer persuasive.

The book is a manual or how-to guide through human relations of the everyday sort--conversations about going out to eat, bathing, and relocating that may raise fears and apprehensions. What makes the book a particularly compelling read are the eleven vignettes that convey real life experiences, some of which are shared by co-author Alyson Kuhn who was a vital participant in her mother's care.

[Hans C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hear you: Talking and listening to people with Alzheimer's is one of the best resources for working with and caring for individuals with Alzheimer's and other dementias. I work and serve in a senior living community and have grown in my understanding as how to listen to individuals with mild to severe dementia and Alzheimer's. This book is a hands on approach designed for care givers and family members to best understand and utilize practical "tools" in caring and loving those who suffer this difficult disease. The authors, Jane L. Mahakian and Alyson Kuhn, are exceptional in their ability to explain in practical terms how to care and understand the day to day situations in care giving. It is empowering to have tools to manage care giving and to remain hopeful in the process. I highly recommend the book.

[David Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A truly wonderful book. Several elders in my family have suffered from dementia and Alzheimer's, and it can be distressing, difficult, and heartbreaking. This kind and uplifting book is a jewel, and is enormously helpful and encouraging. The information and the style of presentation are compassionate and clear, and in my experience the book is unique in this field: it is a book designed to be hands-on helpful rather than an abstract or theoretical treatise. The authors have done a first-rate job and I highly recommend it to anyone who is caring for a loved one or interacting with anyone with dementia.

[Gail · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a professional, and as a daughter of a mother with dementia, I found this book to be practical, validating, factual, and compassionate. Useful insights for how to guide, and cope with, the communication challenges that arise in relationships with people with changing brains. I got insight into why some of my mom’s new behaviors may be occurring, and felt supported as a caregiver. I can also apply these ideas to my elderly clients and their families.

[Lee Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have a 91 year old relative who does not have dementia, but has some forgetfulness. This book has completely inspired me to slightly adjust my approach with my person… in a way that will make her life so much more joyful, and I will of course greatly benefit from her joy. This book is a treasure.

[Audrey Kuhn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a painful topic and I found this book to be very empowering. How can you make the most of your time with the person suffering from dementia and “meet them where they are.” More of a practical guide to shift your thinking and advocate for your loved one. Highly recommend

[Wm Denny Baldwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful!