Behind the Tapestry: My Discovery of God's Grace Amidst Chronic Pain and Loss

by M. Rose Peluso

"Behind the Tapestry" is a 3-time award-winning memoir which tells the compelling true story from behind Catholic Convent walls, of one woman’s struggles to “make peace” with a mysterious chronic illness and the loss of her religious vocation. It just received an Honorable Mention Award in the Christian Non-Fiction category of the Readers' Favorite 2024 International Book Awards Competition.

Maryanne was a 29-year-old graphic designer working towards a lifelong desire to someday move to Hollywood and become an Academy Award winning art director. But an unexpected invitation to a Catholic prayer meeting would forever change Maryanne’s life showing her desires she didn’t know she possessed.

After being abruptly fired from her job and spending a lot of time in prayer, Maryanne embarked on a journey to discover God’s will for her life. This quest eventually led her to the Catholic Convent and the realization that all she’s ever really wanted was to devote herself to Jesus.

Entering Religious Life was all that Maryanne thought about for more than a year but there was a problem. She found herself plagued by a mysterious condition that caused widespread, chronic pain. However, in spite of this pain, Maryanne joined a group of Franciscan Sisters in 1999.

Her life in the Convent was filled with many questions, struggles, challenges and a whole lot of physical pain. Then when already strained relationships with her superiors became even more fractured with the lines of communication practically severed, Sister Maryanne was forced to make a heart-wrenching decision. One that would not only impact her life but the lives of those around her. Should she remain in the Convent and go on to take final vows or leave her Religious Life behind and take care of herself instead?

346 pages, Paperback

Published January 29, 2021

Reviews

[Vida Sik · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you suffer from chronic pain, then you are familiar with the intense desire for an end to your agony. And you might have offered up many prayers for relief. If you can relate, then Maryanne’s story will inspire and give you hope.

When her career as a graphic artist came to an unexpected end, she sought God’s will for her life. She loves God very much and reasoned she’d serve him best by entering religious life as a sister in a convent. Around the same time, she first started experiencing debilitating pain that medical experts could not explain or diagnose. Many years later, she learned that the “thorn in her flesh” was incurable.

When you have a chronic condition, sympathy from others eventually dries up. The expectation is that you must “get on with it” in your role as a functioning member of society. This was what Maryanne experienced. So she leaned on God, the only one who could change her situation. This led to countless hours spend in prayer as she searched for answers.

What I love about this memoir is the author’s vulnerability as her journey of pain led to yet another crossroad. She owns up to her mistakes, even as she highlights the crushing impact the dwindling emotional support from her community had on her. Her persistence in prayer is admirable, and her struggle to find God’s will is relatable. There are many lessons you can learn from Maryanne's life.

Each chapter starts with a Bible verse that relates to what follows. The writing is easy to read–in fact, it’s a page-turner. I lost a few hours of sleep as I read into the wee hours of the night to learn how she resolved her situation. It is very gripping.

This true story will appeal to sufferers of chronic pain or any other chronic condition. It will benefit those who’d like to learn how to persevere in prayer. Approach it with an open mind and heart. You’re bound to find hope and encouragement from this book.

(This review was published on Reedsy/Discovery: https://reedsy.com/discovery/book/beh...)

[Katie Keller-Nieman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Open. Honest. Relatable.

Behind the Tapestry offers a fascinating look into two worlds many of us know little about: chronic pain and life in a convent. The author is open, honest and incredibly relatable.

The book is very well written. It reads like a novel, drawing you deeper into Maryann's life, adding detail and building a connection stronger with each page.

Her experience with pain as well as the relationship turmoil between her and the other sisters had me completely invested. I laughed. I cried. And I learned to look inside myself as Maryann learned to do the same. Her writing is so sincere it's impossible to not feel like you've just made a new friend.

It's refreshing to read a memoir of someone so willing to be as open about their faults and personal growth as they are about those of others. Many of her experiences with the other sisters are so familiar that you forget the conceptions you once held of religious life and find clear similarities in your own life.

The author's willingness to delve deep into her choices and mistakes calls the reader to look deep inside themselves and their own choices, to weigh them out, finding value in our faults as well as our good decisions.

Five stars!

[Bookzeera · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not much of a religious person, but I'd very much recommend this book... especially to those who are losing their bond with God and are looking for ways to rekindle it. My deeply religious auntie loved it... and made me love it. After reading the book, I saw why.
It shows us that a relationship with God is much more reliable and long-lasting than a relationship with a human being. Human beings are fickle and change all the time, but God: He is always the same, loving, caring, forgiving, and as Maryanne says, having a close relationship with him is worth all the suffering.
It's an awesome read.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you watched and liked the Sister Act, BEHIND THE TAPESTRY is a memoir, offering the opposite of the light-hearted comedy about all-nice nuns. It is a chance to peek behind the facade of the real modern Catholic Church in the United States.
It's a bit clumsy in places, and very personal - an honest record of personal growth and pain - physical and mental within the church.
Not an easy read, but I highly recommend this book if the church is the subject you might be interested to know more about.

[Lester Fisher · Rating 4 out of 5]

M contacted me on GoodReads, saying “Hi, Lester. I would like to ‘connect’ via Goodreads and be ‘friends’. That would be great. Us Christian writers have to stick together, right?” I accepted and we have communicated for some time. I have read her book “Behind the Tapestry” and am willing to review it. But I must clarify three things. 1) Although I was a Franciscan seminarian for 6.5 years, I did not become a priest. 2) My memoir reflects my movement away from the Catholic faith to a rational agnosticism. 3) I have very fond memories of my time with the Franciscan.
Having said that, my view of M’s convent life is almost incredulous. M’s writing style is quite engaging. I particularly enjoyed her Italian dialogue of one sister (the religious order originates in Italy). She very effectively presents discussions between the nuns, which sometime could become quite heated. Her descriptive imagery makes it easy to imagine the structure and environment of her sequence of convents.

Where I am doubtful is with respect to the interpersonal relationships of the other nuns. I believe M’s description of her interaction with the other nuns, but I have trouble believing that there is so much pettiness in convent life. I saw nothing like this in the Franciscans, in either student or faculty. In the confessional, I once complained about a student I did not understand. The dean of discipline, Fr. Claude, said “you don’t have to like him, you have to love him.” M frequently relates that the mother superior encouraged more Christian interchanges among her charges.

Which brings me to the heart of the story, the physical infirmity that M. suffered and how that impacted all her relationships with the community. She was quite capable of downplaying the pain in her professional interactions with the parishes as teacher for handicapped students. She also pursued her Master’s Degree and completed it very shortly after she left the Order. So, there was no question of her competence. The existence of her book proves that. However, the severity of her pain, and the extensive medical attention that she required was a source of irritation to some, if not all, the sisters. Some of her superiors never believed how infirmed she was, and others came slowly to an understanding of the level of her pain. In fact, as the reader, I probably had the same feeling as they had. She seems to dwell so constantly on her pain and disability throughout the book. Although it was difficult to read, I suppose it reinforced the understanding of the situation. It was not until near the end of the book that her medical team finally discovered what exactly was causing her pain. They tried many treatments which had marginal effect. Finally, they realized that the conditions were, in fact, incurable. Eventually, after she left the convent, she found a pain management clinic that was able to provide some relief from her intense pain.

Throughout all of this M had an intensive personal relationship with Christ. This was difficult for me, because in my life, I have seen how misguided people can be believing that they know what God wants for them. I give her credit that she never was quite sure what He wanted of her, but it has not affected her faith, and in her correspondence with me, it is obvious that she is still very devout.
The takeaway for me is the old trope “walk a mile in my shoes”. We humans, no matter how well intentioned, can seldom understand other people’s suffering unless we have been there.

[S. Daisy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the nonfiction memoir about a woman who, despite her mysterious untreatable chronic pain, felt as through God was calling her to become a nun and jumped to answer the call. Her journey was harder than most, and her struggle to complete the tasks expected of her was great, but her faith propelled her onward. Although nobody else at the monastery understood what she was going through, she knew that God did, and that was what mattered most.

I thought that this book was well written and very interesting, looking behind the tapestry into a way of life not commonly understood by most people. Although the author suffered with a great deal of pain and emotional unbalance, she struggled through it to accomplish what she thought she was being called to do.

There was one thing I did not like about this book. Spoiler: Although her problem with pain was mostly worked through by the end of her book, I found that her emotional unbalance almost seemed to get worse throughout the story. She wrote very bluntly and honesty, but in her honesty, she showed a bad side to herself that never quite seemed to get repaired. I think that for a book about working through problems for God, it would have been nice to see some of her other problems beyond the physical pain addressed. However, she seemed more likely to dismiss them as non-problems.

I understand that this is only a minor gripe with the book, however, and still give it a hearty four stars. It is one of the best books I've read, perhaps even THE best book, about monastic life or nuns in general, and was a very raw and down-to-earth peek into their lives.

[Jan Ezelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Taking a glimpse at “Behind the Tapestry,”I learned the experience of the author, M. Rose Peluso, whose diary-like memoir took me behind the walls of the novitiate.

During her ‘desert day’ moment, she expressed, not only her heart’s griefs for the lives loss during 9-11 in 2001, but shared her struggles with trying to obtain a successful ‘religious life’ afterwards, and the ‘habit’ she so desired—along with the many years of physical pains—and a few moments of strife / misunderstandings among the convent’s associates—she’d endured along the way.

I give a 5-star to “Behind the Tapestry” due to the fact that it revealed what a real heart’s devotion to God, and serving Him meant. I’m a non-Catholic Christian (who also loves/serve the LORD Jesus Christ), yet I admire M. Rose Peluso’s sacred motivation, which somewhat reminded me of St. Paul’s determination in the race. M. Rose Peluso’s prize? Something far different than she’d ever expected—for His Glory.
-- J Ezelle

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a protestant the world behind the convent walls was always something of a mystery to me. I learned so much more about the sense of calling these sister experience in their lives and how difficult it can be to fulfill their vows under the best circumstances.

But Maryanne was far from the best circumstances. She suffered through an intense chronic illness that took years to find a diagnosis. Though some sisters were supportive of her struggle, most refused to have empathy for her struggles and only added to her challenge to stay with her calling to "religious vocation."

What struck me the most was Maryanne's consistent dependence on God through prayer when she had no one else to turn to. But how long did God really expect her to live under these conditions? That was the challenge she had to figure out one painful day at a time.

Some stories could have been shortened. Perhaps, certain stories could have been chosen to illustrate the themes she wanted to highlight. It did seem like the book was longer than it needed to be.

But on the whole, I was blessed by reading this memoir. I learned a lot, and more importantly, I had the opportunity to reflect on my own journey with chronic illness and how God's calling bears on my life.

[Claire O'Sullivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's difficult to discuss with someone what debilitating chronic pain is when they've never experienced it. Seeking God, seeking to serve, and seeking answers. This is a book that captures the hearts of those who have and live with chronic pain throughout the author's seasons, and hopefully opens the eyes of those who believe folks are playing or malignering. There are many blessed souls out there who need to relish lives without pain but to pray for strength when it comes upon them. Pain is a universal feeling (with many nuances), and throughout the book, though she weaves the consternation, the doctor visits, and frustrations in, she does it skillfully enough it sounds more like a novel. There is nothing sadder than crying out to God and putting on that front that we have to, to help those we do serve, or have to bow out for that day. I loved the stories about the convent and even the difficulties, because we are all still flawed, being sanctified moment by moment. Open, honest, raw about her life, the author allows others to understand that one can still live fruitfully and faithfully no matter. I had opened up some time ago to her about my pain x 43 yrs with debilitating migraines, and her book was a catharsis. I too, found relief, but 43 years is a long stretch for us lifers.

[Thomas Mockoviak · Rating 4 out of 5]

Let me preface this review by stating that M. Rose Peluso and I have several things in common. We are both practicing Catholics, we both are published authors, and we both have membership in the Body of Christ Prayer Group in our backgrounds. Our membership in the prayer group covered different time periods, so we had not actually met until recently, when I attended a book fair in which she was among the featured authors.

The format of “Behind the Tapestry” was not exactly what I had expected. It is written more akin to a diary or journal, but that actually makes this a more personal and interesting read. Each chapter begins with a verse from Scripture, which sets the tone for that chapter. I used the same approach with the biography that I wrote about Christina Grimmie.

M. Rose goes into great detail about her chronic pain issues throughout the book. She explains how her fellow religious were sympathetic at first, but many grew weary over time hearing Ms. Peluso’s “moans and groans.” I must admit that at times I found myself becoming like the nuns – tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. But it got me to thinking about those who suffer from chronic illness and pain and how often their pleas for help and understanding fall on deaf ears.

One of the things the book unexpectedly did is to remind the reader that expectations placed on the reactions of the nuns by outsiders is oftentimes unrealistic. Ms. Peluso makes it very clear in this book that nuns are human, after all, and very often their patience and understanding is tested to the breaking point.

Although there is no cure for her ailment, I was happy to find out that she discovered a pain management center that has been able to help her manage her pain issues and give her some normalcy in her daily routines. For those that are experiencing chronic pain in their lives, this book provides them with the hope that with the proper treatments and therapies, their conditions can be improved. It also serves as a reminder that God opts to work His miracles at times through modern medicine, and how important it is to hold onto that faith that God does care about our health. For those who aren’t suffering from chronic pain but may know someone who is, this book will provide them with tools to help them care for them.

[M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

BOOK REVIEW
Reviewed by K.C. Finn for Readers' Favorite

Behind the Tapestry: My Discovery of God's Grace Amidst Chronic Pain and Loss is a work of non-fiction in the biography, spiritual writing, and inspirational subgenres. It is best suited to the general adult reading audience. Penned by author M Rose Peluso, this tender narrative memoir unfolds a poignant true story from behind convent walls, detailing Maryanne's struggles with chronic illness and her thwarted dream of becoming a Catholic nun. Initially a graphic designer with aspirations of Hollywood glory, Maryanne's life takes an unexpected turn after attending a Catholic prayer meeting, igniting a fervent desire to serve the Lord in religious life. The narrative raises poignant questions about life choices and the complex interplay between faith, calling, and personal well-being.

Author M Rose Peluso offers a powerfully crafted work that conveys the intricate journey into the depths of one woman's spiritual and physical trials. The book provides a gripping account of Maryanne's challenges within the convent due to her chronic pain, offering a candid glimpse into a heartfelt world of struggle that is told with tenderness, but also confidence, and a guiding warmth that inspires readers to keep the faith with her that things will work out all right in the end. The book is well-structured to give a good balance of emotion versus psychology, delving into the complexities of discernment, sacrifice, and the resilience required to navigate a path that intertwines devotion, personal dreams, and the unrelenting reality of chronic pain. As it builds to its impactful conclusion, Maryanne's story becomes an inspiring testament to the discovery of God's grace amidst profound challenges. Overall, I would not hesitate to recommend Behind the Tapestry to readers seeking accomplished memoirs on faith and endurance everywhere.

[Michelle Romano · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a phenomenal memoir about an extraordinary woman. This author finds her purpose following the tragedy of 9/11, when at the age of thirty-two, she is called to dedicate her life to Jesus. As she navigates this transition from the secular to religious world, she also suffers from an undiagnosed condition that paralyzes her with daily chronic pain. This anguish increases with stress that comes from learning about religious life, getting along with the Sisters, enrolling in a Masters Program, and teaching children. On top of that, she meets various medical specialists and tries different treatment regimes and surgeries just to be disappointed when they fail her. But she continues to be faithful to her vocation, even though she is in agonizing pain. And, at the forefront of all of this is her everlasting relationship with Jesus, whom she talks to daily. Soon, this author finds herself at a crossroads and turns to Jesus in a cry for help. Miraculously, He answers, and something changes which blesses her with unforeseen gifts.

I chose this memoir because my favorite aunt was also called to follow Jesus. There are so many uncanny similarities between my aunt and this author and me and this author. This author is a Saint for living through challenges and enduring horrific pain. Even though this story pulled at my heartstrings, there were also bursts of humor, that made me laugh aloud. I felt as though this author was sitting next to me telling me her story. She is a gifted writer, and her narrative is captivating and raw. She reminds us that we are on earth for a very short time while Jesus prepares us for our journey into Heaven.