Burning my Roti: Breaking Barriers as a Queer Indian Woman

by Sharan Dhaliwal

Part memoir, part guide, Burning My Roti is essential reading for a new generation of South Asian women.

With chapters covering sexual and cultural identity, body hair, colourism and mental health, and a particular focus on the suffocating beauty standards South Asian women are expected to adhere to, Sharan Dhaliwal speaks openly about her journey towards loving herself, offering advice, support and comfort to people that are encountering the same issues.

This provocative book celebrates the strides South Asian women have made, whilst also providing powerful advice through personal stories by Sharan and other South Asian women from all over the world.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, Memoir, LGBT, Feminism, Essays, Race

208 pages, Hardcover

Published February 22, 2022

Reviews

[Mica Amy Phelan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A few of the reviews I have read start with 'this book wasn't meant for me'.

I am white, so it is understandable of me to say this book also wasn't meant for me. But in a way it also is. A PoC queer woman has taken the time to share her experiences and traumas around whiteness with the world. It will strike a cord with other queer South Asian women, I would imagine, and is meant to create a space for people to feel comfortable and heard.

But it would be wrong of me not to use this chance to learn from someone's experience that is so different from mine. To not read about how I can hold myself accountable, how Whiteness inflicts violence and what I can do to make sure thay as a white individual I show empathy and help minimise that violence as much as possible.

Yes, this book wasn't meant for me. It doesn't speak to my experiences. But it is my duty as a white individual to read it, to learn and educate myself. And this book is amazing for that. Because its honest, eye opening for someone who doesn't share these lived experiences, and often fucking hilarious.

And if that's not a good enough reason to read it, then the physical book itself is beautiful. Its the most beautiful book I own.

[Devika · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am probably not the ideal reader for this book (despite being queer and Indian!) because I read and write about Indian history and literature for a living which means a lot of the information in this book I am already acquainted with. There were some factual errors (for example, the caste system doesn’t date from the Mughal period, it is 2000 years old) and some complex points about the queer community in India, or the history of yoga etc. that I thought could’ve done with more research/detail. I also wish the editor had gone through the text with a fine tooth comb for grammatical errors!

I was most moved by the personal experiences Dhaliwal writes about, and I wish the book was more entirely about those experiences because that’s what makes it an excellent read (alongside the stunning illustrations). The conversation about body hair, body image, and eating disorders are so sorely needed in the South Asian community, and I related so much to the trauma this book talks about.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this book and hope it leads to a larger movement of desi queer women recording their experiences.

[Amy Peterson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'll start by saying this book was not written for me. This book in the hands of a queer South Asian person will probably feel like lightning a bottle.

Visually, this book is stunning. The design and illustrations were amazing.

Contest wise, there were parts I really enjoyed. The chapter on body hair really spoke to my soul (coarse dark haired girls unite!). The interviews were enlightening and introduced me to new creatives to follow.

On the whole though, the concept felt a little wandering and loose. It felt uncooked in parts and would have benefitted from a heavier edit. That's not to say the ideas aren't worthwhile exploring. I just felt my focus fading with the ambling stream of consciousness.

Glad it exists though and I hope a lot of people find value in what is shared.

[Henna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel seen

[Katie Mercer · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book is definitely unique! it reads and is written like a zine for the coolest people - i had to read it in small chunks but loved to hear about Sharan’s nuances and the gorgeous illustrations and visuals<3

[Janah Rehman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved this book, as a bisexual mixed race Pakistani this book was everything I wish I could have read as a teenager. It was so refreshing to finally hear the voices of queer south Asians.

[Praniya · Rating 1 out of 5]

Book Club Pick!

As a lover of essays about identity and how an underbelly of institutions shape us, this book ought to have been a perfect fit for me. Being South Asian myself, I was excited to read a book that examined Indian queerness too, an intersectional topic that I haven't read much about.

But I was really disappointed by this book. The writing felt sloppy and unfocused. It bounced along topics without much depth or direction - at times I left confused when one section began or ended. I also don’t think I gain much insight into the many topics that were covered due to the shallow research into the history or background. Which to be fair, the intention of the book is not to be a text book but the personal essays were also very self-conscious and self-referential. This also made it less raw and impactful.

The book's highlights were the interviews that offered insights into others' experiences within the community and the stunning illustrations.

Overall, while the book explored many interesting and important topics, the poor quality of writing made it difficult to fully appreciate.

[Jaaie Varshney · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book was a healing experience

[Rach · Rating 5 out of 5]

This type of storytelling is so important!!

Sharan touches on the caste system, skin lightening creams, colonialism, body hair, feminism, LGBTQ+ issues, colorism, and so many more hugely topical things in ways that I have never read of before. I didn’t know just how much colorism is a problem in other countries including India, where industries like Bollywood encourage women to lighten their faces for the more prestigious roles and how darker women get the roles of impoverished people or less desirable characters.

And not to mention hugely important LGBTQ+ representation. 🌈 Dating and marriage is a very culturally ingrained thing for the author and her sharing her experiences from her community and family was relatable and hopefully just as relatable to people of color that also experience trying to deviate from the norm and what they were raised to look for in a relationship.

This book is SO informative and serious when it needs to be and SO funny in the more light-hearted parts. I really resonated with the Author’s voice and wit.

Also a very beautifully designed book itself!

[Purnesh Tripathi · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author touches very sensitive subjects quite beautifully in the beginning of the book but as the book carries on, it quickly deteriorates into being a tale of misandry.

I wanted desperately for it to not be that, but it seemed like every single man out there, hates women, looks at them as an object and it all needs to burn in hell.

Something else that I couldn't appreciate is the author constantly taking positions of authority in subjects that they had very little knowledge of, like the Farmers protests in India, the current situation on various political and economic affairs etc.

This is a loss for everyone, as it had the potential of being an objective voice to do many people worldwide. Instead, it often read like British propagandists' mouthpiece, especially in Chapters concerning the actual country.

[Navu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Despite being a queer Indian, I don’t think this was the book for me. Obviously things were relatable but… idk.

The writing was very disjointed to the point where sometimes I was thinking, “Where did this come from?” It was also quite repetitive which ig is to be expected if you were reading a memoir of sorts but that’s not what this book is. It feels like a mix between memoirs and essays. I’m sure people who like this writing style would enjoy it, but unfortunately that is not me.

[Bookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

I remember adding this to my "to read list" as soon as I heard it, and this was before I knew what the title was. Nothing about it is necessarily funny but I thought I would enjoy this. Part memoir, part manifesto, part guide, part social commentary, author Dhaliwal looks at issues that are particularly meaningful to South Asian women. Everything ranging from cultural expectations to colorism to hair issues to racism and everything in between.

I didn't know anything about the author and didn't know much about the book but that's basically it. There are interviews, Dhaliwal's thoughts, information and history about the topics she's discussing, etc. It's wide-ranging while also not sticking to any one genre.

Have to agree with the negative reviews. The book does feel disjointed, as if is not quite sure what it was going to be. I had thought it would be more of a traditional memoir, but as mentioned, it's actually much greater than that. This may or may not work for the reader but I would say for me it didn't.

There's definitely an audience out here for this but this wasn't the right fit for me. For the right person, though, this would probably make for an excellent book to have on their shelves for research or otherwise.

Borrowed from the library and that was best for me.

[Mudia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Brief pit stop in Britain, but make it a child of immigrants. It's always significant when someone comes out (hehe) and tells the world their story, and I think a South Asian baby queer could feel so seen by this. I think it's also a valuable resource for anyone who's not familiar with the culture and would like an accessible conversation surrounding the colonial spread of homophobia and how it affects us today.

However, I didn't have much to learn, being who I am. I much preferred her shocking anecdotes over the essay-like statistics. It was all over the place sometimes when we switched from colourism to dating to body hair, but I guess a crossover like this is inherently chaotic.
I also wished I'd been hired as a proofreader because the grammatical errors were glaringly obvious.

I did cackle with the Priyanka Chopra call-out of "are you done venting", though.

[Caley]

I really enjoyed this book; it was interesting, informative, and thought provoking
I highly recommend this book!

I tend not to give star ratings for non fiction (unless it's a definite 5/1), especially non fiction where it's someone's real life experiences

[Amala · Rating 4 out of 5]

i usually never read memoirs but i felt so targeted by this book and in the best way! healed parts of me that didn’t know they needed healing tbh. the sections on body image and identity esp spoke to me. narrative lost strength towards the end but overall so good and i just felt so seen. thanks alec!!!

[Anya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Queerness goes beyond sexuality - it is thinking critically about the world, being anti-capitalist, caring about others, taking accountability, dismantling systems of oppression, not conforming to colonial standards, resistance, solidarity with marginalized groups etc. This book felt queer as hell.

[Marieke Navin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading

[anisha · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is gorgeous and well designed

[Marieli · Rating 3 out of 5]

More a 3,5 🌟 the book gives great insight in the life of the author, racism, sexism and Queerness. It just wasn't my style of writing.

[Nisha Patel · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a brown girl who grew up in Middlesex and only acknowledged their queerness last year at the age of 29, I really needed to read this book. I find it so hard to be seen and this book made me feel that so I am always thankful for books like these.

I do wish there was more detail in areas and I couldn’t get past the amount of grammatical errors, hence 3 starts.

[rad · Rating 2 out of 5]

flew through this book mainly bc as the author said at the end, they haven’t written anything that hasn’t been written about for decades already, and i can appreciate the intersections of british, indian, and queer. it’s def a good book for an indian person starting out their learning/unlearning.

it is interesting to think about how some girls are denied the ability to remove their body/facial hair and others are forced. i was denied until i took matters into my own hands.. i shaved my legs for the first time just to end up wearing pants 😂 but either way the messaging growing up was always clear that hairy = undesirable and that beauty = pain. also reflecting more about “revenge bodies/glow up” post break up… its just so… silly? looking back? like the way that’s packaged and marketed to women is really crazy. harmful messaging no doubt. liked the bit about curiosity after a certain age being shameful/disrespectful. definitely relatable. don’t get me started on women being viewed as servants to husband and incubators. learning to cook so i can take care of my hypothetical children and husband. what the freak.. all too real.

while i found many aspects of this relatable, i think ive personally read enough stories, fiction and nonfiction, about these topics. i also wasn’t reading it like omf YESSS. i was just like ya… agree. i’m thinking abt who the target audience is for this and if it’s me…. i don’t think so even though i share many identities w the author. the book is pretty, though it had some spelling errors. it makes me think though do we need a pretty book to talk about unpretty things? i feel like some statements were pinned into the discussion in a tacky way, the way greys anatomy tries to be progressive, but whole time the audience is already painfully aware, so the impact isn’t really made. some stuff definitely wasn’t as cohesive and it felt a little disorganized. i suppose that’s life and how we make sense of things. the font was difficult to read and the format in general was distracting. it’s giving cursive “went over syllabus” written in sparkly gel pen. sorry if that’s harsh, but i’m just not a fan of “quirky” books. would the content alone make it a good book or does it need the pretty pages/fluff to make it worth buying ? 🧐

[Mallika · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF (Did Not Finish): I wanted to like this book because the topic resonates with me. However, the writing style is very bad, sloppy, and unfocused. It was like reading the transcription of a poorly produced podcast.

Cool topic. Bad execution.

[Sarneet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Decent and a quick read!

I think at the beginning I found the book to be a bit all over the place in terms of the writing style which made it less enjoyable to read but I eventually got used to it. Definitely more of a casual style discussion on racism than I’m used to reading as I’m used to reading more research-based analyses at this point. I was a bit confused on the main point of the book until the end, when it started to make sense why Sharan wrote what she did and the way she did - to blatantly showcase her individual experience with racial, gender and sexuality based trauma. As someone who pretty much first hand related to all her stories (seems like universal brown diaspora women experiences), it was jarring to read at first and made me uncomfortable but I see the value in laying these stories out. I appreciate her honesty in dissecting her feelings and experiences (which I feel as well but talking about them can often feel laden with shame hence my discomfort).

I’d recommend this book for anyone looking for more insight into individual experiences, as most books on racism, sexuality or gender focus on population basis and don’t really highlight what a person’s lived trauma is. But this book goes into her specific traumas and experiences, which only POC know about as they experience it themselves. Very validating to read as a POC too as I never see these stories shared (e.g. hair trauma, hating one’s facial features, microaggressions).

Some quotes I liked:
- We’re told to love ourselves first, but self-love and radicalization can be violent when women of color have to love themselves, despite themselves.
- Whiteness isn’t only white people, but from people of all cultures (whiteness and proximity to whiteness as a system)
- On self care - when you become selfish and it’s about feeling good about yourself, being rested with eye masks and massages - if that’s where your care ends and you never move into collective care, you’re causing harm to others.
- On white appropriation of yoga - the harm that is caused is that not only has the practice been taken from us, but we are now not even allowed to be experts, influencers or teach knowledge in the practice itself because the space is occupied by white bodied people. it’s cultural extraction and cultural exploitation.
- On dating white people - my ability to love isn’t the same as my ability to hate. I hate white systems. I have loved white people. I hate the pain whiteness has and continues to inflict. I love the intimacy a white person has previously given me. You may see them as contradictions, and that’s cool, because in many ways they are. Athe point I’m making is the ability to love and the ability to hate are two different things. They come from two different places inside you. But I will put more of my energy in fighting the systems that cause white supremacy than I will the people that inhabit it. And with that I allow space for love.
- White people and fetishization - the cannibal nature of her fetishization is not an exaggeration. There’s a need to devour the culture, the people, the art. They consume it.
- On not speaking up when racism happens - No one should feel they have a priority of comfort.

Books and Movies recommended by the author (for my reference)
- why I’m no longer talking to white people about race by Reno Eddo Lodge
- Brit(ish): on race, identity, and belonging by Afua Hirsch
- What white people can do next: from allyship to coalition by Emma Dabiri
- The wretched of the Earth by Frantz Fanon
- Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo
- The good immigrant by Nikesh Shukla
- It’s not about the Burqa by Mairiam Khan
- The clapback: your guide to calling out racist stereotypes by Elijah Lawal
- Insurgent Empire: anticolonialism, and the making of British dissent: anticolonial resistance, and British dissent by Priyamavada Gopal
- Gangor (Bengali film; 2010)

[Emmaby Barton Grace · Rating 3 out of 5]

i was so excited for this one - especially because of how absolutely gorgeous the illustrations are! but unfortunately it fell short for me. which, to be fair, i think was partly because i was expecting a much more nuanced and critical analysis of the topics mentioned - instead it (including the interviews - which also had so much potential!) was more stream of consciousness, often uncritical/basic feminism 101, memoir/reflection that fell short of providing new ideas - or - where new ideas were excitedly presented - going beyond a very surface level description of them. and then at other times - especially in the first chapter - i had no clue what she was trying to get at half the time - it felt like her (and the person from the white pube interview especially) were writing in ways to try and make themselves sound smart without really saying anything???

i feel like this book had so much potential - especially because like i said, it does raise some important/new ideas - but just fell completely flat in delivering them in a meaningful way unfortunately. there were also quite a few typos/things that should’ve been picked up in editing.

with that being said, i am a white women so perhaps it will resonate a lot more on the memoir side of things with other women/nb people like the author?

some concepts raised that i found really interesting (which makes the lack of expansion/critical thought on them all the more disappointing!!):
- rethinking connotations of migration - often not a choice/a positive to seek this ‘better’ life but full of trauma and heartbreak and not wanting to leave your own country etc.
- whiteness and colonisation of self love movement
- redefining self-love to be about caring for others
- cultural appropriation of yoga
- caste system - links to colorism and jobs (and how british perpetuated this system to their own advantage)

[Stephen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is a pretty good draft of stories and research that could be woven into an interesting, provocative and insightful collection of essays with the right guidance and editor. I find it fascinating the book’s end lists its purpose as “listing out trauma for people to understand why whiteness is violent,” while the title describes the book as “breaking barriers as a queer Indian woman.” The two things certainly are NOT mutually exclusive but the latter certainly put me in a mindset to read a different book than what the latter states. That brings me to my biggest issue, ultimately I found myself constantly wondering WHO the author’s intended audience was, and I still don’t really know. If we take Dhaliwal’s end sentence, this book is written for people who need to be taught that whiteness is violent - yet, I can’t imagine the people who picked up this book needed to given that lesson? Dhaliwal is most successful here when she tells her stories, giving us insight into the trauma that shaped her life and its decisions and, unfortunately, much less successful when she tries to draw connections to larger themes and narratives. None of what she’s written is incorrect but her ability to take an anecdote and place it within the contexts she wants to educate about falls a little short and leaves us with ~200 pages of blogs, out of which maybe 30% is makes an interesting and cognizable case about why whiteness at large is violent.

[Amman Kayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm very in the middle about this book.

Firstly, physically, this book is gorgeous. Not just the cover alone, but every page and artwork was gorgeous - the design is honestly beautiful.

I really appreciated Sharan's personal accounts, with experiences like hair growth, insecurities with your nose, whiteness and her journey to understand her sexuality. I adored every anecdote and story where she was just telling us about her experiences, but I do think they were my favourite part of the book and the rest I didn't love. It did feel like reading a magazine, so I am planning on looking into Burnt Roti further, if the magazines are like this book - you can pick and choose which stories you are most interested in and identify with. This book was a great introduction to Sharan's work.

I think sometimes it felt a bit too zoomer for me, which is such an odd criticism - I think at times it felt quite informal and lacked professionalism - which is why I would equate it to more of a magazine/blog, rather than a book.

But it is important and I do feel grateful to have a voice like Sharan's.

[Trushali · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an incredible book.

This book so exactly what a young working 90’s born Brit- Asian woman needed. It’s perfect book to provide reassurance in understanding that you’re not an individual but part of a collective.

I couldn’t recommend this highly enough as a starting point for anyone looking to understand the experiences of a PoC growing up and living the UK.

The personal narrative and relatable stories, followed by the straight up honesty makes this book absolutely crucial for a white or PoC to gain further knowledge on every type of aggression experienced, from body hair frustrations to white ideals and the male gaze.

I’ll be honest, I cried due to how relatable Burning My Roti is for me on a personal level. From the title alone, I knew this book would be the remedy I needed.

BMR has provided me the base to start my research into learning more about each chapter. For an easy read, this book provides a stepping stone into deeper conversations about each chapter.

Thank you, Sharan.

[Carina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an excellent read, although I have been in a total book rut, so it took me quite a while to finish it, 3 weeks in fact. The topics covered were excellent, and it is probably one of the first few books where I have felt seen, and her identity as a queer South Asian spoke directly to me. Dhaliwal's nuance was so relevant to issues I face in my daily life, and I appreciated her take on many things. However, I think my one issue with the book was that it felt unpolished, despite the ornate details. There were many typos, enough that my reading experience was jarring, and some of the information about pre-colonial castes in India, as well as Fair and Lovely's lack of relevance to the Black Lives Matter movement felt unclear, and was confusing to follow. This didn't deter my overall enjoyment of Sharan's take on things, although sometimes it did feel like the book was (at times) more directed at white people than myself, even though I really felt seen by the content matter.

[Alicia Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5.

Burning my Roti is a nonfiction book written by Sharan Dhaliwal, who describes the struggles of being a queer woman of color. Not quite a memoir, Dhaliwal breaks down the intersectionality of her identity and advocates for fighting against homophobia, racism, and sexism.

Although I appreciate the cause of the book and adored the illustrations, the actual execution itself was lackluster and scattered. Dhaliwal sections off the book into sections of herself that were bullied or rejected by mainstream society, but these meandered around and were frequently interrupted by interviews with other activists which didn't add much in my opinion.

I had picked it up from the library for its beautiful cover and I kind of regret doing so.

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an incredible book written by an inspirational lady.
It deals with so many issues that are faced by people across the globe on a daily basis as well as a personal look at Sharan herself growing up as a young South Asian girl in the UK.
The bullying she went through as a child will resonate with many as will her coming to terms with the fact she is bisexual, often difficult enough but with the added pressure of cultural expectations it adds another dimension to all she has dealt with. And out of all this has come a force to be reckoned with! She is inspirational, an activist and fighter for justice that you would want on your side!
A great book, everyone should read it! And whilst you’re at it check out her magazine Burnt Roti too!