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The Feeling of Falling in Love
Just days before spring break, Neil Kearney is set to fly across the country with his childhood friend (and current friend-with-benefits) Josh, to attend his brother's wedding―until Josh tells Neil that he's in love with him and Neil doesn't return the sentiment. With Josh still attending the wedding, Neil needs to find a new date to bring along.
And, almost against his will, roommate Wyatt is drafted. At first, Wyatt (correctly) thinks Neil is acting like a jerk. But when they get to LA, Wyatt sees a little more of where it's coming from. Slowly, Neil and Wyatt begin to understand one another… and maybe, just maybe, fall in love for the first time…
And, almost against his will, roommate Wyatt is drafted. At first, Wyatt (correctly) thinks Neil is acting like a jerk. But when they get to LA, Wyatt sees a little more of where it's coming from. Slowly, Neil and Wyatt begin to understand one another… and maybe, just maybe, fall in love for the first time…
Unknown Binding
First published August 16, 2022
190 people are currently reading
19431 people want to read
About the author
Mason Deaver
14 books3,423 followersMason Deaver is a bestselling and award-winning author of young adult and adult romance novels. Their books have been awarded stars from Bookpage and Booklist, nominated for the Goodreads Choice Awards, and won the Pink News Best Young Adult Book Award.
Their first novel, I Wish You All the Best, named one of Cosmopolitan's 100 Best YA Books was made into a film directed by Tommy Dorfman. It premiered at the SXSW film festival in 2024 to rave reviews.
They currently live in San Francisco.
Their first novel, I Wish You All the Best, named one of Cosmopolitan's 100 Best YA Books was made into a film directed by Tommy Dorfman. It premiered at the SXSW film festival in 2024 to rave reviews.
They currently live in San Francisco.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,227 reviews
March 11, 2022
Since advanced copies seem to be making their way out into the world, I figured now would be a good time to share the content warnings for The Feeling of Falling in Love
Content Warnings
Content Warnings
October 1, 2022
Consider me officially a Mason Deaver stan! They did it again! They made me fall in love with another story, drew me in with their captivating writing, and touched my heart in so many ways.
Neil is a rich and spoiled jerk, an a*shole, whatever you want to call him. He’s also trans, and even though his mom has helped him during his transition, he has been hurt and neglected by his parents and family. The moment I read the first sentences, I cringed. Alternately, my eyes grew bigger and my brows furrowed, and I thought, is this guy for real? But let me just love flawed characters!
Wyatt, on the other hand, Neil’s gender questioning roommate, aka his fake boyfriend, is such a sweet cinnamon roll! Singing songs to Neil, awww! And cute cinnamon rolls are my weakness!
Even though I cringed at first, I quickly started scrolling frantically through my ereader and gobbled up the words faster and faster because I wanted more, more, more. I even had to slow down myself at times because I didn’t want the book to end so soon. The Feeling of Falling in Love is a story about a boy who’s been through a lot and slowly realizes that it’s okay to let people in and live and fall in love despite the hurt it might cause in the future. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, and after finishing it, I sat in my garden in the sun, watched the cherry tree blossom, listened to the buzzing bees, and smiled. Smiled because whatever happens to Neil and Wyatt in the future, they live …
Actual rating 4.5 stars.
Thanks to Scholastic, who provided me with this beautiful ARC in exchange for an honest review!
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Neil is a rich and spoiled jerk, an a*shole, whatever you want to call him. He’s also trans, and even though his mom has helped him during his transition, he has been hurt and neglected by his parents and family. The moment I read the first sentences, I cringed. Alternately, my eyes grew bigger and my brows furrowed, and I thought, is this guy for real? But let me just love flawed characters!
Wyatt, on the other hand, Neil’s gender questioning roommate, aka his fake boyfriend, is such a sweet cinnamon roll! Singing songs to Neil, awww! And cute cinnamon rolls are my weakness!
Even though I cringed at first, I quickly started scrolling frantically through my ereader and gobbled up the words faster and faster because I wanted more, more, more. I even had to slow down myself at times because I didn’t want the book to end so soon. The Feeling of Falling in Love is a story about a boy who’s been through a lot and slowly realizes that it’s okay to let people in and live and fall in love despite the hurt it might cause in the future. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, and after finishing it, I sat in my garden in the sun, watched the cherry tree blossom, listened to the buzzing bees, and smiled. Smiled because whatever happens to Neil and Wyatt in the future, they live …
Actual rating 4.5 stars.
Thanks to Scholastic, who provided me with this beautiful ARC in exchange for an honest review!
Follow me on Instagram
August 22, 2022
As a 16 year old trans kid this book was so good, and joyful and comforting to read about other queer 16 year olds. I enjoyed it all, I have quite literally been looking forward to this book since the day it was announced. I wish you all the best by Mason Deaver means so much to me and I just needed this book. I will Admit Neil did get on my nerves a lot but he made up for it, and Wyatt my sweet sweet child how I love them. The pool scene made me tear up and the instant support Neil was able to show Wyatt made my heart ache THEY ARE SO <3!!! But yes i cried multiple times 100% recommend I love books about queer and trans joy, please read this.
January 16, 2023
rich boy discovers empathy
August 15, 2024
The MC in this book is an insufferable knob head for the first 45% of this book and completely scarred the rest of the story because I couldn’t let go of my hatred??? Why he gotta be so rude?
He was awful to his friends and people who supported him through his transition, because why???
Sure, Neil has his 'redemption arc', and everything was feeling okay…. NEK MINNUT…. 3rd act break up, well fuck me sideways. I cannot. 💀
The only redeeming factor of this whole book, is Wyatt. He is a squishy cinnamon roll who lets Neil treat him like ABSOLUTE shit for LITERALLY no reason other than Neil is confused because he’s feeling emotion for the first time and doesn’t know what to do… so naturally, treat everyone around you like shit 😇
2⭐️ may be harsh, but I have books I like rated 3 ⭐️ that I actually quite liked.
He was awful to his friends and people who supported him through his transition, because why???
Sure, Neil has his 'redemption arc', and everything was feeling okay…. NEK MINNUT…. 3rd act break up, well fuck me sideways. I cannot. 💀
The only redeeming factor of this whole book, is Wyatt. He is a squishy cinnamon roll who lets Neil treat him like ABSOLUTE shit for LITERALLY no reason other than Neil is confused because he’s feeling emotion for the first time and doesn’t know what to do… so naturally, treat everyone around you like shit 😇
2⭐️ may be harsh, but I have books I like rated 3 ⭐️ that I actually quite liked.
January 1, 2025
@ neil: babe its trashcan not trashcannot!!!
September 3, 2022
If my sibling left my wedding to chase after someone they had dated for less than a week, I would never speak to them again. That’s not romance, that is delusional.
August 19, 2022
i wish you all the best was already so dear to me that going into this book i didn’t know what to expect, but let me tell you:
i have NEVER EVER EVER read something with that much enthusiasm (i had to pause my audiobook right before work and it WAS PAINFUL)
i care for Neil and Wyatt so deeply, and the thing is that they are the first YA characters that i could truly identify as for multiples reasons!!!
Neil’s character was so well crafted and really represented what a teenager IS, it is so often that ya characters are « perfect » that it felt really good seeing his raw emotions and feelings! when you’re a teen, you are allowed to be flawed, angry and clumsy! it’s okay to take time to grow and heal from a childhood that wasnt always easy!
i’m now 20, nb-trans (yup i’m very much struggling with that at the moment but don’t feel like talking about it on social media for now sorry), i also grew up in a loving but (extremely) modest household, and i just KNOW that there are a lot of other folks that are just like me and will be extremely touched by this story and be happy to be represented.
this rom-com format is AWESOME and there was just enough of drama, spice and fluff for my liking, it truly was the perfect mix! i would also like to say that the writing was VERY VERY good!! It was smooth and very pleasant!
and a big +, is that i read it at the best time possible, it just felt like a bowl of fresh air <3
with that being said…. thank you so much Mason Deaver, you’ve done it again… THANK YOU.
(I can’t wait until we receive it at the bookshop so that i can put a little note on it and recommend it to my clients!!!!)
i have NEVER EVER EVER read something with that much enthusiasm (i had to pause my audiobook right before work and it WAS PAINFUL)
i care for Neil and Wyatt so deeply, and the thing is that they are the first YA characters that i could truly identify as for multiples reasons!!!
Neil’s character was so well crafted and really represented what a teenager IS, it is so often that ya characters are « perfect » that it felt really good seeing his raw emotions and feelings! when you’re a teen, you are allowed to be flawed, angry and clumsy! it’s okay to take time to grow and heal from a childhood that wasnt always easy!
i’m now 20, nb-trans (yup i’m very much struggling with that at the moment but don’t feel like talking about it on social media for now sorry), i also grew up in a loving but (extremely) modest household, and i just KNOW that there are a lot of other folks that are just like me and will be extremely touched by this story and be happy to be represented.
this rom-com format is AWESOME and there was just enough of drama, spice and fluff for my liking, it truly was the perfect mix! i would also like to say that the writing was VERY VERY good!! It was smooth and very pleasant!
and a big +, is that i read it at the best time possible, it just felt like a bowl of fresh air <3
with that being said…. thank you so much Mason Deaver, you’ve done it again… THANK YOU.
(I can’t wait until we receive it at the bookshop so that i can put a little note on it and recommend it to my clients!!!!)
August 18, 2022
Okay look, in theory this book should be really good. I loved that the romance was T4T and that the main character is a gay trans boy and I usually love queer romcoms and most of the tropes that come with them. I was down for the fake dating at a wedding and enemies to lovers. I initially rated this book three stars, but after giving it a lot of thought, I think I need to change my rating to two stars.
As the character Neil, who is a trans boy, starts to get into his experiences as a transmasc individual, I felt like it missed an element of the transmasc experience. While I don't like the terms AMAB or AFAB, I don't think non transmasc people should write about the transmasc struggles, especially when getting into the medical side of it. I hope this review doesn't come across as aggressive or rude, I have a lot of genuine respect for Mason Deaver and genuinely don't think they would ever go out of their way to harm transmasc individuals. But I do hope to bring to light how writing YA trans characters needs to be given care especially if you're going to talk about the medical side of it.
For one, the main character is sixteen and is on hormones, specifically using t patches. This is fine, in fact it shows that the author did some research. But the main character also had top surgery. He is already fully recovered and refers to himself having gotten the surgery well in the past. The main character refers to himself in the past, sometimes fourteen, as already starting his transition. I know it's easier to write a trans character as already having gone through those changes so you don't have to write as much transphobia they face, but this is actually a harmful idea spread about transmasc people. Many people think we get surgeries way too young or start hormones way too young when in reality you can start Hormones at sixteen at the youngest and before you are usually put on hormone blockers. Neil's transition sounds extremely rushed and it doesn't help how the mom is described to be pushing him into it.
Now I know Neil is trans. But there is a stigma around transmasc teens being forced into hasty and unsafe transitions too early in life by their parents, or worse there is an idea of cis kids being forced to transition by their parents. I myself have had to deal with one parent worrying that just because another parent is supportive of me that I was being forced into it. I've also had to explain to strangers that I wasn't forced to transition by anyone I know. This is why I feel Neil isn't a poorly written trans character, rather a carelessly written one. Neil's mom is described as having taking him to the doctor without asking what he wanted, getting all these changed without really talking to him. She then goes on to use him to show she's an ally while not actually showing that care to Neil. This is exactly what transphobes think happens to transmasc children. It would not be the end of the world to write Neil wearing a binder or saying he just started testosterone and was previously on hormone blockers. That small change would have made it so much more friendly toward transmasc people. While he is incredibly rich and could probably afford these changes, it still doesn't explain how he had top surgery or excuse that the way the mom's attitude toward transition is written very carelessly. Or better yet, it could have been written as a college novel and that would have resolved at least a big handful of those problems.
Even regardless of the medical stuff, anything else regarding transmasc dysphoria was also very uncomfortable to read. Being a transmasc individual, it felt somewhat distant and textbook rather than how most transmasc people I know would describe their dysphoria. It feels like if someone looked up a list of things transmasc people find dysphoric and copied and pasted without offering any nuance or personal experiences with it. Now I'm not saying that's what they did, but it felt very distant. If you're not transmasc and you want to write transmasc characters, that's fine. But leave writing about the struggle to those with actual experience in it or do extensive research for a few brief moments. I won't say this book is bad or to cancel anyone at all, in fact I think Mason Deaver is a very talented writer and very much needed in trans spaces and in the book industry. However we are all limited in our experiences and that is okay. I simply wish there was better care taken with the transmasc characters in this book.
Regarding the actual romance, I got the impression everything was forced. A third act breakup felt forced or just an indication they weren't meant to be together. The main character seemed very aromantic the entire time, the attraction was all physical and any romantic interest came completely left field. The entire book takes place over the course of a week. We don't see the wedding, which the book was supposedly building up to the entire time. Wyatt's dreams and promises of a music career are just dropped because the main character wanted to break up without any explanation. Nothing was brought up about this and the readers are just expected to go along with this.
At best this book is unrealistic and careless. At worst, it's a harmful depiction of transmasculine representation and toxic relationships. I don't think Deaver would ever intentionally harm trans men, but with their large audience they need to do more research before writing about a transmasc experience.
As the character Neil, who is a trans boy, starts to get into his experiences as a transmasc individual, I felt like it missed an element of the transmasc experience. While I don't like the terms AMAB or AFAB, I don't think non transmasc people should write about the transmasc struggles, especially when getting into the medical side of it. I hope this review doesn't come across as aggressive or rude, I have a lot of genuine respect for Mason Deaver and genuinely don't think they would ever go out of their way to harm transmasc individuals. But I do hope to bring to light how writing YA trans characters needs to be given care especially if you're going to talk about the medical side of it.
For one, the main character is sixteen and is on hormones, specifically using t patches. This is fine, in fact it shows that the author did some research. But the main character also had top surgery. He is already fully recovered and refers to himself having gotten the surgery well in the past. The main character refers to himself in the past, sometimes fourteen, as already starting his transition. I know it's easier to write a trans character as already having gone through those changes so you don't have to write as much transphobia they face, but this is actually a harmful idea spread about transmasc people. Many people think we get surgeries way too young or start hormones way too young when in reality you can start Hormones at sixteen at the youngest and before you are usually put on hormone blockers. Neil's transition sounds extremely rushed and it doesn't help how the mom is described to be pushing him into it.
Now I know Neil is trans. But there is a stigma around transmasc teens being forced into hasty and unsafe transitions too early in life by their parents, or worse there is an idea of cis kids being forced to transition by their parents. I myself have had to deal with one parent worrying that just because another parent is supportive of me that I was being forced into it. I've also had to explain to strangers that I wasn't forced to transition by anyone I know. This is why I feel Neil isn't a poorly written trans character, rather a carelessly written one. Neil's mom is described as having taking him to the doctor without asking what he wanted, getting all these changed without really talking to him. She then goes on to use him to show she's an ally while not actually showing that care to Neil. This is exactly what transphobes think happens to transmasc children. It would not be the end of the world to write Neil wearing a binder or saying he just started testosterone and was previously on hormone blockers. That small change would have made it so much more friendly toward transmasc people. While he is incredibly rich and could probably afford these changes, it still doesn't explain how he had top surgery or excuse that the way the mom's attitude toward transition is written very carelessly. Or better yet, it could have been written as a college novel and that would have resolved at least a big handful of those problems.
Even regardless of the medical stuff, anything else regarding transmasc dysphoria was also very uncomfortable to read. Being a transmasc individual, it felt somewhat distant and textbook rather than how most transmasc people I know would describe their dysphoria. It feels like if someone looked up a list of things transmasc people find dysphoric and copied and pasted without offering any nuance or personal experiences with it. Now I'm not saying that's what they did, but it felt very distant. If you're not transmasc and you want to write transmasc characters, that's fine. But leave writing about the struggle to those with actual experience in it or do extensive research for a few brief moments. I won't say this book is bad or to cancel anyone at all, in fact I think Mason Deaver is a very talented writer and very much needed in trans spaces and in the book industry. However we are all limited in our experiences and that is okay. I simply wish there was better care taken with the transmasc characters in this book.
Regarding the actual romance, I got the impression everything was forced. A third act breakup felt forced or just an indication they weren't meant to be together. The main character seemed very aromantic the entire time, the attraction was all physical and any romantic interest came completely left field. The entire book takes place over the course of a week. We don't see the wedding, which the book was supposedly building up to the entire time. Wyatt's dreams and promises of a music career are just dropped because the main character wanted to break up without any explanation. Nothing was brought up about this and the readers are just expected to go along with this.
At best this book is unrealistic and careless. At worst, it's a harmful depiction of transmasculine representation and toxic relationships. I don't think Deaver would ever intentionally harm trans men, but with their large audience they need to do more research before writing about a transmasc experience.
August 30, 2023
bland book version of oops i did it again OR
what happens when you write a book just to show off to your friends how well you know one direction’s discography and how it convinced you that it’s possible to fall in love in one week
what happens when you write a book just to show off to your friends how well you know one direction’s discography and how it convinced you that it’s possible to fall in love in one week
September 2, 2022
Content warnings are listed at the end of my review!
Fanfic tropes, pop culture references, and queer characters is not an instant recipe for success and just like the cover implies, its dumpster fire of a presentation makes The Feeling of Falling in Love a case study in garbage books. If you want a trivial, stereotyped, self-pitying, creates-all-of-his-own-issues narrator with no broader message or story told besides a forced, unbelievable, and unlikable romance plot- that's precisely what you'll be getting! It reads like Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any live action sitcom on Nickelodeon or Disney if it was full of forced vulgarity and nauseating innuendos. Even other one star reviews I've left, I can argue there's something, even if it's a stretch, giving the book even a morsel of reading value, but I come away empty handed and bewildered by this one.
"A week ago, I couldn't stand his ass. He was annoying, uptight, always sticking his nose in my business. And now..."
"You're in love with him?"
A quick gist since I’m so excited to be done reading it that I’d like to soon forget it. Neil is sent to a boarding high school on the east coast, away from his rich and emotionally stunted family on the west coast. He’s attending with his family friend and best friend Josh (His brother is best friends with Neil’s brother, and his mom is best friends with Neil’s mom? How convenient and realistic!), who Neil initiates a friends with benefits no strings attached situation with. Josh ends up developing feelings and Neil is furious, deciding the only thing he can do is get with someone after berating Josh to make sure he moves on. The person he decides is the only valid option is his roommate who he has been incessantly bullying for a year, Wyatt, bribing Wyatt into pretending to be in a relationship for the sake of apparently proving something to a heartbroken Josh. Neil brings Wyatt to his brother’s wedding in California as a date since Josh will be there, and Neil, after absolutely loathing every single thing about Wyatt, magically begins to fall in love. It only gets worse from there!
The only reason to keep reading is spite against the main character Neil, an apathetic, insulting, classist, entitled, indecisive, manipulative, and abusive character. Deaver tries overwhelmingly hard to excuse this through the sympathy the reader is somehow supposed to feel by the author repeatedly pushing down your throat how distant, controlling, and stuck up his transphobic family is (Yes there’s a forced family redemption arc, no I’m not joking). Sure, that sucks, but it doesn't justify any of his actions or his total lack of accountability. His transness, the only noteworthy thing about him besides his attitude and money, and it's depicted in such an obviously uneducated, I'm talking stereotypes and surface level top google search result reliant manner, that I feel mocked. As someone who's living the life and surrounded by the lives that Neil is trying to fictionally mirror- this is inauthentic, uncreative, insensitive, thoughtless, and a downright bad reading experience. Genuinely, every time Neil brings up gender, transitioning, before he came out, transphobia, dysphoria, and even general body talk it's as if the author is just assuming what's the most profoundly Trans Boy™ thing possible to say through effortless lackluster guesses. A highlights reel:
"He looks so much like Dad.
And I... well, pre-testosterone, I looked a lot like Mom. But then my shoulders got broader, my jaw filled out, an I started growing facial hair, no matter how sparse it looks. So now I don't look like her either.
If only 23andMe had some kind of service to wipe the rest of her DNA out of my gene pool."
"I don't really know why, maybe because I like my scars. I like showing them off... at least to myself." Then one paragraph later we get, "These parts of myself that I'm expected to hate so much, that are so ugly to other people whose opinions of my body shouldn't matter." Importantly, it’s implied Neil has been recovered for a substantial amount of time, as someone who’s had top surgery, by description we’re probably looking at 6+ months to years. Neil is 16, and was on blockers and is on HRT. For him to have top surgery at 15 or younger, since we aren’t given a concrete date, is practically unheard of.
"You're being such a dick."
"Can't be what you don't have."
"Yeah, I mean... it was only ever supposed to be stress relief. Plus, my T shots make me pretty horny." The book continues to go back and forth claiming he’s either currently using patches or injections.
"I do, however, steal one of his hoodies-from some brand called Goodfellow- because it's chilly in our room and I didn't pack any. Imagine that, a trans boy not packing the most essential item in all of our wardrobes."
These last two are of an entirely different league. Knowing how transphobic zealots like to accuse us of transitioning to seek attention or out of pressure from Big Pharma to capitalize off of our bodies… adding these little quips without any elaboration or explanation out of the blue, it’s just downright transphobic:
"It's funny to think that coming out did give me the attention I so desperately craved from Mom."
"When I came out to you, you didn't seem to care at all. You just threw me into programs and surgery without doing your research, without bothering to learn about trans people." This combined with the knowledge that Neil was 15 or younger with top surgery… who genuinely let this get published?
Back to the “romance”, the power dynamic is not good, as this is just the same tired power dynamic that plagues heterosexual media. Controlling, rich/breadwinner, assertive, powerful Neil versus selfless, low income/financially reliant, kindhearted, isolated Wyatt who needs to be patient and try to understand the misunderstood Neil. Don't worry, if you too found it atrocious, starting on page 132 everything gets a hard reset through one teary-eyed rant from Wyatt about how emotionally damaging everything Neil does has been, and somehow Neil suddenly acts like a human being- though he too seems confused by his 180 in behavior. Within the course of days, Neil goes from vehement disgust and annoyance with Wyatt to unquenchable infatuation, with no gradual transition, but an instantaneous switch that develops at light speed. But if that too shocked you- don’t worry reader, as Neil goes right back to normal for the climax of the story! There’s nothing to make the reader actually buy into the romance, it’s as if Deaver filled out an elementary school plot diagram worksheet for the basic framework of ideas, threw in 50 In-N-Out references, and called it a book.
Summary:
Readability: ★☆☆☆☆, I have never been inclined to click one star so fast, I had to fight the urge to click it prior to finishing. This was the reading equivalent of being stuck on a plane with someone kicking the back of your seat, it’s a temporary inconvenience, but while it’s happening it feels like torture. All of the characters are paper cutouts, there’s no substance aside from identity and pop culture references, what even is the difference between Josh and Wyatt? I can’t name a single hobby Neil has! The plot feels like bullet points and you’re just supposed to suffice without anything properly building up or elaborating anything (Please see all of the “coincidental” appearances of characters that show up for conflict/resolution. Don’t get me started on the pre-wedding back to back apology marathon Neil goes on. That’s some of the laziest writing I’ve ever seen). You’d get more consistent and intriguing information from a friend on the spot verbally infodumping about an OCs story idea than this book that allegedly has 5 years of work put into it.
Additionally, in books for teen audiences or with 16 year old main characters we usually get a very abridged, vague, and “fade to black” approach for any kind of intimate scenes. This… did not do so. It wasn’t full blown erotica, but there’s significantly more details than I would ever expect, and it was very uncomfortable to read.
Entertainment: ★☆☆☆☆, I don’t know how I finished this. I’ve read books with absolutely unbearable and evil main characters, their horrible behavior is used as an important plot point and overarching message. Neil is just anguishing to read, does nothing but terrorize those around him, and just still gets what he wants after a blunt “you did bad” talk and a self-hatred internal monologue. There’s no true accountability, there’s no lesson, there’s no consideration put into this book besides “Wouldn’t this be a cool idea?”
Audience: Don’t read it. I’ll refer you to any of my other previous 1 star books before this one. You can read it for a laugh if you’re a masochist, but really it just reeks of rainbow capitalism despite being from a trans author. I don’t know how you even accomplish this much of a train wreck without actively setting out to.
Content Warnings: abusive parent, abusive relationship, alcoholism, bullying, bribery, breakup, death, divorce, fatphobia, graphic classism, guilt tripping, hangover, heartbreak, heavy misgendering, homophobia, implied deadnaming, kissing, lesbophobia, manipulation, misogyny, police, rejection, sexual encounters, skipping meals, suicidal thoughts, transphobia, trespassing, tsa patdown, underage drinking, vomit, vulgarity
Fanfic tropes, pop culture references, and queer characters is not an instant recipe for success and just like the cover implies, its dumpster fire of a presentation makes The Feeling of Falling in Love a case study in garbage books. If you want a trivial, stereotyped, self-pitying, creates-all-of-his-own-issues narrator with no broader message or story told besides a forced, unbelievable, and unlikable romance plot- that's precisely what you'll be getting! It reads like Diary of a Wimpy Kid or any live action sitcom on Nickelodeon or Disney if it was full of forced vulgarity and nauseating innuendos. Even other one star reviews I've left, I can argue there's something, even if it's a stretch, giving the book even a morsel of reading value, but I come away empty handed and bewildered by this one.
"A week ago, I couldn't stand his ass. He was annoying, uptight, always sticking his nose in my business. And now..."
"You're in love with him?"
A quick gist since I’m so excited to be done reading it that I’d like to soon forget it. Neil is sent to a boarding high school on the east coast, away from his rich and emotionally stunted family on the west coast. He’s attending with his family friend and best friend Josh (His brother is best friends with Neil’s brother, and his mom is best friends with Neil’s mom? How convenient and realistic!), who Neil initiates a friends with benefits no strings attached situation with. Josh ends up developing feelings and Neil is furious, deciding the only thing he can do is get with someone after berating Josh to make sure he moves on. The person he decides is the only valid option is his roommate who he has been incessantly bullying for a year, Wyatt, bribing Wyatt into pretending to be in a relationship for the sake of apparently proving something to a heartbroken Josh. Neil brings Wyatt to his brother’s wedding in California as a date since Josh will be there, and Neil, after absolutely loathing every single thing about Wyatt, magically begins to fall in love. It only gets worse from there!
The only reason to keep reading is spite against the main character Neil, an apathetic, insulting, classist, entitled, indecisive, manipulative, and abusive character. Deaver tries overwhelmingly hard to excuse this through the sympathy the reader is somehow supposed to feel by the author repeatedly pushing down your throat how distant, controlling, and stuck up his transphobic family is (Yes there’s a forced family redemption arc, no I’m not joking). Sure, that sucks, but it doesn't justify any of his actions or his total lack of accountability. His transness, the only noteworthy thing about him besides his attitude and money, and it's depicted in such an obviously uneducated, I'm talking stereotypes and surface level top google search result reliant manner, that I feel mocked. As someone who's living the life and surrounded by the lives that Neil is trying to fictionally mirror- this is inauthentic, uncreative, insensitive, thoughtless, and a downright bad reading experience. Genuinely, every time Neil brings up gender, transitioning, before he came out, transphobia, dysphoria, and even general body talk it's as if the author is just assuming what's the most profoundly Trans Boy™ thing possible to say through effortless lackluster guesses. A highlights reel:
"He looks so much like Dad.
And I... well, pre-testosterone, I looked a lot like Mom. But then my shoulders got broader, my jaw filled out, an I started growing facial hair, no matter how sparse it looks. So now I don't look like her either.
If only 23andMe had some kind of service to wipe the rest of her DNA out of my gene pool."
"I don't really know why, maybe because I like my scars. I like showing them off... at least to myself." Then one paragraph later we get, "These parts of myself that I'm expected to hate so much, that are so ugly to other people whose opinions of my body shouldn't matter." Importantly, it’s implied Neil has been recovered for a substantial amount of time, as someone who’s had top surgery, by description we’re probably looking at 6+ months to years. Neil is 16, and was on blockers and is on HRT. For him to have top surgery at 15 or younger, since we aren’t given a concrete date, is practically unheard of.
"You're being such a dick."
"Can't be what you don't have."
"Yeah, I mean... it was only ever supposed to be stress relief. Plus, my T shots make me pretty horny." The book continues to go back and forth claiming he’s either currently using patches or injections.
"I do, however, steal one of his hoodies-from some brand called Goodfellow- because it's chilly in our room and I didn't pack any. Imagine that, a trans boy not packing the most essential item in all of our wardrobes."
These last two are of an entirely different league. Knowing how transphobic zealots like to accuse us of transitioning to seek attention or out of pressure from Big Pharma to capitalize off of our bodies… adding these little quips without any elaboration or explanation out of the blue, it’s just downright transphobic:
"It's funny to think that coming out did give me the attention I so desperately craved from Mom."
"When I came out to you, you didn't seem to care at all. You just threw me into programs and surgery without doing your research, without bothering to learn about trans people." This combined with the knowledge that Neil was 15 or younger with top surgery… who genuinely let this get published?
Back to the “romance”, the power dynamic is not good, as this is just the same tired power dynamic that plagues heterosexual media. Controlling, rich/breadwinner, assertive, powerful Neil versus selfless, low income/financially reliant, kindhearted, isolated Wyatt who needs to be patient and try to understand the misunderstood Neil. Don't worry, if you too found it atrocious, starting on page 132 everything gets a hard reset through one teary-eyed rant from Wyatt about how emotionally damaging everything Neil does has been, and somehow Neil suddenly acts like a human being- though he too seems confused by his 180 in behavior. Within the course of days, Neil goes from vehement disgust and annoyance with Wyatt to unquenchable infatuation, with no gradual transition, but an instantaneous switch that develops at light speed. But if that too shocked you- don’t worry reader, as Neil goes right back to normal for the climax of the story! There’s nothing to make the reader actually buy into the romance, it’s as if Deaver filled out an elementary school plot diagram worksheet for the basic framework of ideas, threw in 50 In-N-Out references, and called it a book.
Summary:
Readability: ★☆☆☆☆, I have never been inclined to click one star so fast, I had to fight the urge to click it prior to finishing. This was the reading equivalent of being stuck on a plane with someone kicking the back of your seat, it’s a temporary inconvenience, but while it’s happening it feels like torture. All of the characters are paper cutouts, there’s no substance aside from identity and pop culture references, what even is the difference between Josh and Wyatt? I can’t name a single hobby Neil has! The plot feels like bullet points and you’re just supposed to suffice without anything properly building up or elaborating anything (Please see all of the “coincidental” appearances of characters that show up for conflict/resolution. Don’t get me started on the pre-wedding back to back apology marathon Neil goes on. That’s some of the laziest writing I’ve ever seen). You’d get more consistent and intriguing information from a friend on the spot verbally infodumping about an OCs story idea than this book that allegedly has 5 years of work put into it.
Additionally, in books for teen audiences or with 16 year old main characters we usually get a very abridged, vague, and “fade to black” approach for any kind of intimate scenes. This… did not do so. It wasn’t full blown erotica, but there’s significantly more details than I would ever expect, and it was very uncomfortable to read.
Entertainment: ★☆☆☆☆, I don’t know how I finished this. I’ve read books with absolutely unbearable and evil main characters, their horrible behavior is used as an important plot point and overarching message. Neil is just anguishing to read, does nothing but terrorize those around him, and just still gets what he wants after a blunt “you did bad” talk and a self-hatred internal monologue. There’s no true accountability, there’s no lesson, there’s no consideration put into this book besides “Wouldn’t this be a cool idea?”
Audience: Don’t read it. I’ll refer you to any of my other previous 1 star books before this one. You can read it for a laugh if you’re a masochist, but really it just reeks of rainbow capitalism despite being from a trans author. I don’t know how you even accomplish this much of a train wreck without actively setting out to.
Content Warnings: abusive parent, abusive relationship, alcoholism, bullying, bribery, breakup, death, divorce, fatphobia, graphic classism, guilt tripping, hangover, heartbreak, heavy misgendering, homophobia, implied deadnaming, kissing, lesbophobia, manipulation, misogyny, police, rejection, sexual encounters, skipping meals, suicidal thoughts, transphobia, trespassing, tsa patdown, underage drinking, vomit, vulgarity
February 6, 2023
4.25 stars. i cried 😭
January 14, 2024
4.5
easy and fun to read. neil was a bit too annoying from time to time, but overall, i liked every single thing.
wyatt is literally the best boy ever, and no other fictional boy could ever compare to him. HE LITERALLY LIKES DAY6 OMFG.
it was a bit repetitive, especially the narration, but it’s tolerable. the romance 10/10
i love trans people 🫶🏼
easy and fun to read. neil was a bit too annoying from time to time, but overall, i liked every single thing.
wyatt is literally the best boy ever, and no other fictional boy could ever compare to him. HE LITERALLY LIKES DAY6 OMFG.
it was a bit repetitive, especially the narration, but it’s tolerable. the romance 10/10
i love trans people 🫶🏼
dnf
September 27, 2022[DNF 60%]
i feel like ranting abt this book..
i feel like ranting abt this book..
January 26, 2025
Reread 01/2025
4,25 stars.
A wonderful ya story about friendship, first love, family, feeling safe and accepted.
The story is told in single pov, first person present tense. It's Neil's pov. He's a 16 year old trans boy, he is optionated, mean and not very likeable at first (for quite a long time, actually). Obviously there's more to him, and I'm in awe how the author slowly unpacked his complex character, an showed us where his defense mechanism was rooted in. Mason Deaver is a fantastic author.
I loved being in Neil's head.
Ps I hated Neil's family SO MUCH I wanted to yell at them constantly.
Pps I don't know who wrote the blurb for this book, but "perfect for fans of White Red and Royal Blue"?? No, no, no. I loved both books, for very different reasons, but the only thing both books have in common is that the MCs are queer, not one other thing. Not the overall vibe, not the writing style, not the main topics, not the plot, not the MCs' characters, not the conflict.
Do not go into this book expecting it to be in any way similar to Red White and Royal Blue, please.
Maybe that's why the ratings for this book aren't higher. Obviously people are disappointed when they expect one thing and get another. What a strange decision to compare these two books.
-------------
Read 01/2025
4,25 stars.
This is a perfect example of why I love queer YA books.
Messy characters full of contradictions, trying to make sense of themselves, their bodies, their feelings.
Mason Deaver is an awesome writer. At nearly 50 I'm maybe (definitely) not their target reader, but I appreciate and love that books like this exist.
Growing up is hard. I cannot immagine how hard it is to go through adolescence and question your gender and/or sexuality.
Books like this can help feel queer teens seen I hope. And they can get whoever else reads them to understand that we never know what someone else is struggling with, and that we need to show them the much needed respect to let them find out on their own and know best who they are, supporting them
I wish there would have been books like this 40 years ago, my generation would have needed them (or was it just the libraries I had access to, that didn't have them?).
I loved Neil. He was mean, vulnerable and firm in his believes how his life was and would unfold. He had been (and still was) treated not just poorly but at times in a disrespectful and humiliating way by his family, espescially his grandparents. Many things were discussed between him and his family and friends until the end of the book, but the way his mother held her ground until the end as to why she never stood up for him was shameful. I guess the author wanted to show us that even parents who mean well overall can be cruel? She didn't even tell him she'd try to to better.
Wyatt came from a totally different background, but had his own issues to sort through. I loved how both clicked and felt at ease with each other after spending time together.
Obviously there's no hea in sight for 16 year old MCs, but I felt happy they both had found someone worth holding onto who cared for them.
I liked this a lot, but I still love Wish You All The Best much more.
tldr: everybody go read more queer YA books!!
4,25 stars.
A wonderful ya story about friendship, first love, family, feeling safe and accepted.
The story is told in single pov, first person present tense. It's Neil's pov. He's a 16 year old trans boy, he is optionated, mean and not very likeable at first (for quite a long time, actually). Obviously there's more to him, and I'm in awe how the author slowly unpacked his complex character, an showed us where his defense mechanism was rooted in. Mason Deaver is a fantastic author.
I loved being in Neil's head.
Ps I hated Neil's family SO MUCH I wanted to yell at them constantly.
Pps I don't know who wrote the blurb for this book, but "perfect for fans of White Red and Royal Blue"?? No, no, no. I loved both books, for very different reasons, but the only thing both books have in common is that the MCs are queer, not one other thing. Not the overall vibe, not the writing style, not the main topics, not the plot, not the MCs' characters, not the conflict.
Do not go into this book expecting it to be in any way similar to Red White and Royal Blue, please.
Maybe that's why the ratings for this book aren't higher. Obviously people are disappointed when they expect one thing and get another. What a strange decision to compare these two books.
-------------
Read 01/2025
4,25 stars.
This is a perfect example of why I love queer YA books.
Messy characters full of contradictions, trying to make sense of themselves, their bodies, their feelings.
Mason Deaver is an awesome writer. At nearly 50 I'm maybe (definitely) not their target reader, but I appreciate and love that books like this exist.
Growing up is hard. I cannot immagine how hard it is to go through adolescence and question your gender and/or sexuality.
Books like this can help feel queer teens seen I hope. And they can get whoever else reads them to understand that we never know what someone else is struggling with, and that we need to show them the much needed respect to let them find out on their own and know best who they are, supporting them
I wish there would have been books like this 40 years ago, my generation would have needed them (or was it just the libraries I had access to, that didn't have them?).
I loved Neil. He was mean, vulnerable and firm in his believes how his life was and would unfold. He had been (and still was) treated not just poorly but at times in a disrespectful and humiliating way by his family, espescially his grandparents. Many things were discussed between him and his family and friends until the end of the book, but the way his mother held her ground until the end as to why she never stood up for him was shameful. I guess the author wanted to show us that even parents who mean well overall can be cruel? She didn't even tell him she'd try to to better.
Wyatt came from a totally different background, but had his own issues to sort through. I loved how both clicked and felt at ease with each other after spending time together.
Obviously there's no hea in sight for 16 year old MCs, but I felt happy they both had found someone worth holding onto who cared for them.
I liked this a lot, but I still love Wish You All The Best much more.
tldr: everybody go read more queer YA books!!
August 22, 2024
Wyatt was great, but I didn’t really like Neil.
Secondarily, I never believe in a love story that takes place over 5 days. “I love you”s should never be exchanged in less than a week.
And also, wasn’t a fan of that half-assed patch-up job between Neil and his mom. Sometimes parents just aren’t good at being parents.
Secondarily, I never believe in a love story that takes place over 5 days. “I love you”s should never be exchanged in less than a week.
And also, wasn’t a fan of that half-assed patch-up job between Neil and his mom. Sometimes parents just aren’t good at being parents.
March 23, 2023
would have eaten this up if i was 14
Read
December 12, 2025edit 12/11/25: reread for my children’s lit essay!
i can’t believe i’m actually gonna meet the author of this magnificent book next week this book was amazing it was spectacular i adored it
i can’t believe i’m actually gonna meet the author of this magnificent book next week this book was amazing it was spectacular i adored it
October 6, 2022
DNF 60-% I cannot take any more of this. The mc is insufferable and i simply don’t care to continue.
November 24, 2024
felt nothing but visceral anger reading this but it gets extra points for the Stray Kids name drop.
August 2, 2022
"I don’t deserve anything but loneliness because all I do is hurt people. It’s what I’m good at. I learned from the best."
Fake dating has been so overdone and I’m kind of tired of it. It's everywhere you look in books. There was just something different about this book. The tagline of love ruining your life had me intrigued. Plus that cover is one of my favorites of the year. Who doesn't love a good dumpster fire?
This didn't start off in the best light and it certainly wasn't an instant love like I imagined it would be. It did take some time and after I got over the fact that there was more to Neil than just his money and his shit attitude, I really started to get into the story. Wyatt is the savior here and wait until you get a load of that sweetness.
Neil and Wyatt together will really melt your heart. Those two made for some hilarious and tender moments. They even touched this stone face's heart and made me feel the love. It was really sweet. Prepare yourself for the sweetest ending. It was everything a 90's girl could have wished for.
The Feeling of Falling in Love was really good. Heartfelt, emotional, and funny with a lot of positivity within. It was a well-done and thought-out book. Mason really makes your feelings come to the surface as you were reading. It was great. You're going to want to grab your tissues with this one.
Fake dating has been so overdone and I’m kind of tired of it. It's everywhere you look in books. There was just something different about this book. The tagline of love ruining your life had me intrigued. Plus that cover is one of my favorites of the year. Who doesn't love a good dumpster fire?
This didn't start off in the best light and it certainly wasn't an instant love like I imagined it would be. It did take some time and after I got over the fact that there was more to Neil than just his money and his shit attitude, I really started to get into the story. Wyatt is the savior here and wait until you get a load of that sweetness.
Neil and Wyatt together will really melt your heart. Those two made for some hilarious and tender moments. They even touched this stone face's heart and made me feel the love. It was really sweet. Prepare yourself for the sweetest ending. It was everything a 90's girl could have wished for.
The Feeling of Falling in Love was really good. Heartfelt, emotional, and funny with a lot of positivity within. It was a well-done and thought-out book. Mason really makes your feelings come to the surface as you were reading. It was great. You're going to want to grab your tissues with this one.
August 29, 2022
we all know i hate romances but this was cuteeee
November 13, 2022
4.5
this lost half a star because of the harry styles mentions
this lost half a star because of the harry styles mentions
August 26, 2022
4.5 ⭐️
HONESTLY, THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WAS AMAZING. I knew it was going to be great when I first started because he gave such a bratty rich kid from Beverly Hills vibes. But the more I read, the more I really got to understand him and why he acts the way he does and his character development popped off. Idk what else to say besides that it was beautiful. this book is beautiful.
I’m convinced that Mason Deaver’s grocery list is also beautifully written.
HONESTLY, THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WAS AMAZING. I knew it was going to be great when I first started because he gave such a bratty rich kid from Beverly Hills vibes. But the more I read, the more I really got to understand him and why he acts the way he does and his character development popped off. Idk what else to say besides that it was beautiful. this book is beautiful.
I’m convinced that Mason Deaver’s grocery list is also beautifully written.
June 24, 2025
1.25 ⭐️
Rzadko kiedy żałuję, że przeczytałem jakąś książkę - nawet, gdy była dość słaba. Każdą lekturę traktuję jako swoiste doświadczenie literackie, a w bardziej skrajnych przypadkach - jako punkt, który w końcu mogę odhaczyć z listy.
Jak jednak wiadomo, od każdej reguły znajdą się wyjątki. Ta książka to jeden z nich.
Po przeczytaniu „Tak właśnie wygląda miłość” poczułem się ogłupiony. Nie dlatego, że czegoś nie zrozumiałem. Ta historia zwyczajnie nie wniosła do mojego życia żadnej wartości; wręcz odczułem, jakby mój mózg skurczył się o kilkaset komórek.
Największym problemem tej książki był jej główny bohater. Absolutnie tragiczny. Pod żadnym kątem nie dał się lubić (nawet gdy teraz to piszę to aż się we mnie gotuje). Złote, bananowe dziecko, które - gdyby nauczyło się komunikacji, albo chociaż nie było kompletnym pajacem - nie doprowadziłoby do tej absurdalnej sytuacji, która tworzy całą fabułę.
Nie wierzę w ani jedną rzecz, która się tu wydarzyła. No, może z wyjątkiem tego, że jabłko niedaleko pada od jabłoni i Neil był równie fatalny, jak jego rodzice. W każdym razie, nie przekonuje mnie, że osoba tak nieprzystępna emocjonalnie, okrutna i niedojrzała zakochała się w tydzień? W osobie, wobec której przez ostatni rok była wredna i zawistna? Moja ulubiona sytuacja - UWAGA MINI SPOILER - po tym, jak Neil dowiedział się, że jego „miłość” posprzątała podłogę w pokoju, on specjalnie naniósł błoto. No nie wierzę XD Dramat
Współczuję każdej postaci, która miała do czynienia z głównym bohaterem. Wysłałbym ich wszystkich na terapię, a zwłaszcza moje ulubione bananowe dziecko. W sumie to jestem w stanie wymienić jedną rzecz, w której był dobry - w byciu beznadziejną postacią, bo chyba właśnie zajął 1 miejsce w moim rankingu najbardziej nielubianych bohaterów. Nie przesadzam w tym momencie.
Po przemyśleniach doszedłem do wniosku, że ta książka była tak fatalna, że szkoda mi się dalej produkować. Autentycznie żałuję, że ją przeczytałem, a teraz na nowo odnajduję w sobie frustrację 😡 A też wiem, że jestem łagodną osobą i gdybym mógł coś dobrego powiedzieć o tej książce, to bym dawno to zrobił.
Łaskawe 0.25⭐️ za to, że lubię styl osoby autorskiej i przynajmniej byłem w stanie to szybko przeczytać
Od serca nie polecam
Rzadko kiedy żałuję, że przeczytałem jakąś książkę - nawet, gdy była dość słaba. Każdą lekturę traktuję jako swoiste doświadczenie literackie, a w bardziej skrajnych przypadkach - jako punkt, który w końcu mogę odhaczyć z listy.
Jak jednak wiadomo, od każdej reguły znajdą się wyjątki. Ta książka to jeden z nich.
Po przeczytaniu „Tak właśnie wygląda miłość” poczułem się ogłupiony. Nie dlatego, że czegoś nie zrozumiałem. Ta historia zwyczajnie nie wniosła do mojego życia żadnej wartości; wręcz odczułem, jakby mój mózg skurczył się o kilkaset komórek.
Największym problemem tej książki był jej główny bohater. Absolutnie tragiczny. Pod żadnym kątem nie dał się lubić (nawet gdy teraz to piszę to aż się we mnie gotuje). Złote, bananowe dziecko, które - gdyby nauczyło się komunikacji, albo chociaż nie było kompletnym pajacem - nie doprowadziłoby do tej absurdalnej sytuacji, która tworzy całą fabułę.
Nie wierzę w ani jedną rzecz, która się tu wydarzyła. No, może z wyjątkiem tego, że jabłko niedaleko pada od jabłoni i Neil był równie fatalny, jak jego rodzice. W każdym razie, nie przekonuje mnie, że osoba tak nieprzystępna emocjonalnie, okrutna i niedojrzała zakochała się w tydzień? W osobie, wobec której przez ostatni rok była wredna i zawistna? Moja ulubiona sytuacja - UWAGA MINI SPOILER - po tym, jak Neil dowiedział się, że jego „miłość” posprzątała podłogę w pokoju, on specjalnie naniósł błoto. No nie wierzę XD Dramat
Współczuję każdej postaci, która miała do czynienia z głównym bohaterem. Wysłałbym ich wszystkich na terapię, a zwłaszcza moje ulubione bananowe dziecko. W sumie to jestem w stanie wymienić jedną rzecz, w której był dobry - w byciu beznadziejną postacią, bo chyba właśnie zajął 1 miejsce w moim rankingu najbardziej nielubianych bohaterów. Nie przesadzam w tym momencie.
Po przemyśleniach doszedłem do wniosku, że ta książka była tak fatalna, że szkoda mi się dalej produkować. Autentycznie żałuję, że ją przeczytałem, a teraz na nowo odnajduję w sobie frustrację 😡 A też wiem, że jestem łagodną osobą i gdybym mógł coś dobrego powiedzieć o tej książce, to bym dawno to zrobił.
Łaskawe 0.25⭐️ za to, że lubię styl osoby autorskiej i przynajmniej byłem w stanie to szybko przeczytać
Od serca nie polecam
August 16, 2022
DNFed. Just can't. I was expecting too much I guess.
January 2, 2023
YOU KEEP USING THE WORD "LOVE"; I DON'T THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS
Mason Deaver’s The Feeling of Falling in Love is one-half authentically messy teen romance and one-half deeply upsetting justification and/or rug-sweeping of parental neglect. The two halves combine to create a weird book that I enjoyed but was simultaneously deeply disturbed by. The end result was a mostly positive experience, but my thoughts on this novel are…mixed.
THE TEENAGE LOVE STORY HALF
Firstly, I very much appreciate that Mason Deaver went there with their main character, Neil. From the word “go,” Neil’s personality announces itself with trumpets blazing—and it’s a crappy personality. Neil is classist, judgmental, self-centered, and rude. He is so absorbed in his own (very real) traumas that he neither recognizes nor cares that he uses others as emotional punching bags. He is emotionally constipated, pathologically avoidant of authentic human connection, and drowning in self-loathing. Basically, he’s a peach!
Yet I found Neil’s abrasive assholery to be refreshingly realistic. It was nice to see a chaotic, unlikable shitstain of a kid get to grow and love and try to be better. We are, all of, us, chaotic and unlikable shitstains at least 25% of the time, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Neil is such a horridly human character, who makes big mistakes and whose flaws are not small. Deaver is perhaps too forgiving and protective of Neil, but they do not write around the fact that Neil is…difficult.
Of course, the issue with writing an unlikable shitstain as your romantic lead is that you have to really sell the redemption arc and subsequent grovel. The Feeling of Falling in Love makes a valiant attempt, but doesn’t quite stick the landing.
The book begins with Neil deciding that he has to “prove” to his former friend-with-benefits, Josh, that Neil never had feelings for him; so Neil decided to fake date his low-income academic scholarship roommate in order to “force” Josh to move on. (There’s already so much for Neil unpack with his therapist, and this is only the first few pages.) Fake dating is a classic and reliable romance trope, and Neil’s blatant “the lady doth protest too much” motivations aside, the premise is strong.
Unfortunately, fake dating works best when Party A has not relentlessly bullied Party B for the past year. Prior to the beginning of The Feeling of Falling in Love, Neil subjected his roommate Wyatt to unprovoked mockery and disrespect for the entirety of their relationship. Some of Neil’s behaviors have verged into outright abuse, such as when he purposefully tracked dirt into their dorm room after Wyatt had just swept the floor. It absolutely makes sense why Neil, who cannot even recognize the existence of other people’s feelings, much less empathize with them, would turn to the most convenient person to enact his manipulative and controlling plot against Josh. It makes less sense why Wyatt would agree, or why it would turn out that Wyatt has secretly had feelings for Neil all along. (Something for Wyatt to unpack in therapy, I guess.)
This is not a relationship I want to happen, honestly. But I think that with some careful writing and deep emotional growth on Neil’s part, there could have been a very believable romantic arc. The fact that the book is narrated only in first person from Neil’s perspective is a limiting factor, as is the fact that the entire story unfolds in just 10 days. There simply isn’t the space, narratively or chronologically, for the text to believably demonstrate that Neil has (a) understood the gravity of his actions and (b) has taken steps toward accountability for his emotional hang-ups. Love is a system of behaviors, not a feeling, and not a declaration that absolves you of past mistakes.
But, honestly, whatever. These kids are 16! Their brains are incapable of things in the long-term. They’re looking for an attractive buddy to watch movies and have awkward dorm room sex. I am elderly, and my priorities are different. I cannot and do not fault teenagers for being teenagers. Taken for what it is, The Feeling of Falling in Love is a romance that hits the rights spots and leaves a (mostly) satisfying aftertaste when it’s done.
THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY BULLSHIT HALF
The insta-lovey made-for-Hollywood feel-good love story is what it is. I accept it. However, I am deeply concerned—nay, aghast and appalled—by the hand-wavy, rug-sweepy manner in which Deaver “resolves” Neil’s conflict with his mother, which is the origin and driving force between most of his questionable romantic choices.
Any story that involves an emotionally neglected trans kid apologizing to their neglectful, transphobe-enabling parent for “hurting their feelings” when they expressed their pain in a “mean” way can go straight to jail. Parent/child relationships are not the venue for “well I guess we both share equal blame in this” both-sides-ism rhetoric. Fuck off with that.
To recap: Neil’s mother is a control-freak millionaire who avoids conflict for the sake of “maintaining appearances” and who throws money at her son as if that substitutes for love, affection, and emotional attunement. When Neil came out to her as trans, his mom tossed him into counseling and found doctors to provide him with hormone replacement therapy and gender-affirming surgery. She did not take an active part in his transition or provide him with any personal support; meanwhile, she campaigns on social media about how important it is to protect trans kids, etc., because that aids her own public image. [Side note: I highly doubt that doctors would give top surgery to a 14-year-old who had only recently socially transitioned and begun psychotherapy. The fact of Neil’s surgery is (a) unrealistic, (b) unnecessary to the plot, and (b) serves mostly to affirm transphobic GOP talking points. But I digress!]
Then, when a confused and attention-starved Neil starts acting out and engaging in risky behaviors, Neil’s adult brother and his mom decide to ship him off to a boarding school on the other side of the country (thus severing him from the therapeutic providers he absolutely needed). Not once does Neil’s mother check on him, ask about his emotions, or give any indication that she cares for him.
Additionally, and worst of all, Neil’s mother forces him to spend vast quantities of time with transphobic relatives who deadname him and who just suck in general. His mom never intercedes on his behalf or stands up for her son, instead becoming angry at Neil for not pretending that their family is perfect and wonderful.
tl;dr: this lady is a fucking terrible parent
As is to be expected, Neil can only repress his emotions and comply with his mom’s soulless perfectionism for so long. The emotional climax of the novel occurs when Neil explodes and lets his mother know how much pain she has caused him. This was a wonderful, cathartic scene, and a reality check that this woman definitely had coming. Here was where Neil got to be authentic and vulnerable and real.
Yet Deaver utterly ruined it.
Immediately after Neil tells his mother off, he is visited by various individuals who spout the familiar bullshit: but she’s your mom! and you really hurt her feelings! and you don’t know everything she’s done for you! and she’s tried her best! Blah blah blah. So then Neil ends up apologizing to his mom, because you know, she really does love him and he shouldn’t have spoken to her that way.
Absolutely fucking not. Hell no.
Neil’s mother was not trying her best. And even if she had been, it’s irrelevant. Regardless of his mom’s intentions, Neil’s experiences are valid and his pain his real. It is never ever ever EVER a child’s job to excuse or justify a parent’s actions when those actions resulted in serious harm. Particularly in situations when no true accountability is taken, nor a desire for change manifested. Although his mom “apologized” to him, it was a shitty apology, and she did NOT promise to start intervening when transphobic relatives deadname Neil. Ma’am, protecting your child from cruelty while they are in the (alleged) safety of their own home is the bare fucking minimum you can do as a parent. And you refused to do even that much.
I don’t know Mason Deaver, I don’t know their background, nor do I know how they intended the family dynamics in this book to be perceived. I do know that too many trans kids come from families like Neil’s. I know that emotionally neglected children never stop yearning to be seen and loved for their authentic selves; I know that there is a ravenous hunger that only unconditional love from a caregiver can satisfy. I know that while it is easy to fantasize about “fixing” a dysfunctional family system, true healing is a long and difficult process. For these reasons, I believe that The Feeling of Falling in Love does a disservice to its vulnerable teenage audience, both in the way it brushes aside the severity of emotional neglect, and also in the way the text fails to truly hold Neil’s mother accountable.
All kids—but trans kids especially—deserve so much more than the empty platitude of “your neglectful, transphobic parent means well; they were trying their best.”
Love is a system of behaviors, not a feeling, and not a declaration that absolves you of past mistakes.
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Mason Deaver’s The Feeling of Falling in Love is one-half authentically messy teen romance and one-half deeply upsetting justification and/or rug-sweeping of parental neglect. The two halves combine to create a weird book that I enjoyed but was simultaneously deeply disturbed by. The end result was a mostly positive experience, but my thoughts on this novel are…mixed.
THE TEENAGE LOVE STORY HALF
Firstly, I very much appreciate that Mason Deaver went there with their main character, Neil. From the word “go,” Neil’s personality announces itself with trumpets blazing—and it’s a crappy personality. Neil is classist, judgmental, self-centered, and rude. He is so absorbed in his own (very real) traumas that he neither recognizes nor cares that he uses others as emotional punching bags. He is emotionally constipated, pathologically avoidant of authentic human connection, and drowning in self-loathing. Basically, he’s a peach!
Yet I found Neil’s abrasive assholery to be refreshingly realistic. It was nice to see a chaotic, unlikable shitstain of a kid get to grow and love and try to be better. We are, all of, us, chaotic and unlikable shitstains at least 25% of the time, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Neil is such a horridly human character, who makes big mistakes and whose flaws are not small. Deaver is perhaps too forgiving and protective of Neil, but they do not write around the fact that Neil is…difficult.
Of course, the issue with writing an unlikable shitstain as your romantic lead is that you have to really sell the redemption arc and subsequent grovel. The Feeling of Falling in Love makes a valiant attempt, but doesn’t quite stick the landing.
The book begins with Neil deciding that he has to “prove” to his former friend-with-benefits, Josh, that Neil never had feelings for him; so Neil decided to fake date his low-income academic scholarship roommate in order to “force” Josh to move on. (There’s already so much for Neil unpack with his therapist, and this is only the first few pages.) Fake dating is a classic and reliable romance trope, and Neil’s blatant “the lady doth protest too much” motivations aside, the premise is strong.
Unfortunately, fake dating works best when Party A has not relentlessly bullied Party B for the past year. Prior to the beginning of The Feeling of Falling in Love, Neil subjected his roommate Wyatt to unprovoked mockery and disrespect for the entirety of their relationship. Some of Neil’s behaviors have verged into outright abuse, such as when he purposefully tracked dirt into their dorm room after Wyatt had just swept the floor. It absolutely makes sense why Neil, who cannot even recognize the existence of other people’s feelings, much less empathize with them, would turn to the most convenient person to enact his manipulative and controlling plot against Josh. It makes less sense why Wyatt would agree, or why it would turn out that Wyatt has secretly had feelings for Neil all along. (Something for Wyatt to unpack in therapy, I guess.)
This is not a relationship I want to happen, honestly. But I think that with some careful writing and deep emotional growth on Neil’s part, there could have been a very believable romantic arc. The fact that the book is narrated only in first person from Neil’s perspective is a limiting factor, as is the fact that the entire story unfolds in just 10 days. There simply isn’t the space, narratively or chronologically, for the text to believably demonstrate that Neil has (a) understood the gravity of his actions and (b) has taken steps toward accountability for his emotional hang-ups. Love is a system of behaviors, not a feeling, and not a declaration that absolves you of past mistakes.
But, honestly, whatever. These kids are 16! Their brains are incapable of things in the long-term. They’re looking for an attractive buddy to watch movies and have awkward dorm room sex. I am elderly, and my priorities are different. I cannot and do not fault teenagers for being teenagers. Taken for what it is, The Feeling of Falling in Love is a romance that hits the rights spots and leaves a (mostly) satisfying aftertaste when it’s done.
THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY BULLSHIT HALF
The insta-lovey made-for-Hollywood feel-good love story is what it is. I accept it. However, I am deeply concerned—nay, aghast and appalled—by the hand-wavy, rug-sweepy manner in which Deaver “resolves” Neil’s conflict with his mother, which is the origin and driving force between most of his questionable romantic choices.
Any story that involves an emotionally neglected trans kid apologizing to their neglectful, transphobe-enabling parent for “hurting their feelings” when they expressed their pain in a “mean” way can go straight to jail. Parent/child relationships are not the venue for “well I guess we both share equal blame in this” both-sides-ism rhetoric. Fuck off with that.
To recap: Neil’s mother is a control-freak millionaire who avoids conflict for the sake of “maintaining appearances” and who throws money at her son as if that substitutes for love, affection, and emotional attunement. When Neil came out to her as trans, his mom tossed him into counseling and found doctors to provide him with hormone replacement therapy and gender-affirming surgery. She did not take an active part in his transition or provide him with any personal support; meanwhile, she campaigns on social media about how important it is to protect trans kids, etc., because that aids her own public image. [Side note: I highly doubt that doctors would give top surgery to a 14-year-old who had only recently socially transitioned and begun psychotherapy. The fact of Neil’s surgery is (a) unrealistic, (b) unnecessary to the plot, and (b) serves mostly to affirm transphobic GOP talking points. But I digress!]
Then, when a confused and attention-starved Neil starts acting out and engaging in risky behaviors, Neil’s adult brother and his mom decide to ship him off to a boarding school on the other side of the country (thus severing him from the therapeutic providers he absolutely needed). Not once does Neil’s mother check on him, ask about his emotions, or give any indication that she cares for him.
Additionally, and worst of all, Neil’s mother forces him to spend vast quantities of time with transphobic relatives who deadname him and who just suck in general. His mom never intercedes on his behalf or stands up for her son, instead becoming angry at Neil for not pretending that their family is perfect and wonderful.
tl;dr: this lady is a fucking terrible parent
As is to be expected, Neil can only repress his emotions and comply with his mom’s soulless perfectionism for so long. The emotional climax of the novel occurs when Neil explodes and lets his mother know how much pain she has caused him. This was a wonderful, cathartic scene, and a reality check that this woman definitely had coming. Here was where Neil got to be authentic and vulnerable and real.
Yet Deaver utterly ruined it.
Immediately after Neil tells his mother off, he is visited by various individuals who spout the familiar bullshit: but she’s your mom! and you really hurt her feelings! and you don’t know everything she’s done for you! and she’s tried her best! Blah blah blah. So then Neil ends up apologizing to his mom, because you know, she really does love him and he shouldn’t have spoken to her that way.
Absolutely fucking not. Hell no.
Neil’s mother was not trying her best. And even if she had been, it’s irrelevant. Regardless of his mom’s intentions, Neil’s experiences are valid and his pain his real. It is never ever ever EVER a child’s job to excuse or justify a parent’s actions when those actions resulted in serious harm. Particularly in situations when no true accountability is taken, nor a desire for change manifested. Although his mom “apologized” to him, it was a shitty apology, and she did NOT promise to start intervening when transphobic relatives deadname Neil. Ma’am, protecting your child from cruelty while they are in the (alleged) safety of their own home is the bare fucking minimum you can do as a parent. And you refused to do even that much.
I don’t know Mason Deaver, I don’t know their background, nor do I know how they intended the family dynamics in this book to be perceived. I do know that too many trans kids come from families like Neil’s. I know that emotionally neglected children never stop yearning to be seen and loved for their authentic selves; I know that there is a ravenous hunger that only unconditional love from a caregiver can satisfy. I know that while it is easy to fantasize about “fixing” a dysfunctional family system, true healing is a long and difficult process. For these reasons, I believe that The Feeling of Falling in Love does a disservice to its vulnerable teenage audience, both in the way it brushes aside the severity of emotional neglect, and also in the way the text fails to truly hold Neil’s mother accountable.
All kids—but trans kids especially—deserve so much more than the empty platitude of “your neglectful, transphobic parent means well; they were trying their best.”
Love is a system of behaviors, not a feeling, and not a declaration that absolves you of past mistakes.
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October 7, 2022
when neil’s friend-with-benefits admits he’s in love with him, neil shuts him down. like, all the way down. “i-don’t-like-you-i-have-feelings-for-someone-else” down. except…neil doesn’t actually have feelings for anybody else, so he panics and says he has feelings for his roommate. now, he’s in a fake relationship with his roommate, whom he hardly even knows, and the two of them are attending a wedding together in california over spring break.
ahhh this book made me tear up at the end😭 this romance was so sweet. this is one of the few books i’ve read where the mc (not the li) is the one who has to win the other back and i love how neil did it. neil wasn’t the most likable character at times because of his entitlement but i still loved him and he had great character growth🫶 i also loved wyatt so much!!
ahhh this book made me tear up at the end😭 this romance was so sweet. this is one of the few books i’ve read where the mc (not the li) is the one who has to win the other back and i love how neil did it. neil wasn’t the most likable character at times because of his entitlement but i still loved him and he had great character growth🫶 i also loved wyatt so much!!
August 4, 2022
Thank you to Push/Scholastic for an eARC in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are my own.
4.5/5
Loved this so much!! I want more T4T romance books please.
The Feeling of Falling in Love follows Neil Kearney. When his friends with benefits confesses feelings for him, Neil panics. He can't return Josh's feelings and he needs a way out of this situation. Neil ropes his roommate, Wyatt, into being his fake boyfriend for his brother's wedding and to convince Josh that Neil is madly in love with Wyatt.
Neil is a bit of an unlikeable character. He's very rich, and doesn't deal well with other peoples' feelings. However, I still liked him even when he was a brat. He has a tough shell because of how he was raised and the constant transphobia and homophobia he's dealt with. On the inside though, he's a clueless softie.
I loved seeing Neil and Wyatt really get to know each other. The way their relationship developed was so cute and heartwarming. Neil does some stupid stuff, but by the end he was learning to do better and I have hopes he'll continue to be better.
I think my only complaint is there were no queer girls (specifically around Neil's age) in this. Wyatt has two moms, but besides them all the queer characters were men/boys or nonbinary people.
Rep: white gay trans male MC, white queer nonbinary-questioning side character with two moms, white cis gay male side character, white gay trans male side character, Korean bisexual cis male side character, Black bi cis male side character, Black questioning side character, various white cishet side characters.
CWs: Transphobia/transmisia, misgendering, deadnaming, classism, homophobia/homomisia, underage and legal alcohol consumption, neglectful parenting. Moderate: medical content, dysphoria, sexual content, death of parent, grief. Minor: HP reference.
CWs from the author: https://www.masondeaverwrites.com/con...
4.5/5
Loved this so much!! I want more T4T romance books please.
The Feeling of Falling in Love follows Neil Kearney. When his friends with benefits confesses feelings for him, Neil panics. He can't return Josh's feelings and he needs a way out of this situation. Neil ropes his roommate, Wyatt, into being his fake boyfriend for his brother's wedding and to convince Josh that Neil is madly in love with Wyatt.
Neil is a bit of an unlikeable character. He's very rich, and doesn't deal well with other peoples' feelings. However, I still liked him even when he was a brat. He has a tough shell because of how he was raised and the constant transphobia and homophobia he's dealt with. On the inside though, he's a clueless softie.
I loved seeing Neil and Wyatt really get to know each other. The way their relationship developed was so cute and heartwarming. Neil does some stupid stuff, but by the end he was learning to do better and I have hopes he'll continue to be better.
I think my only complaint is there were no queer girls (specifically around Neil's age) in this. Wyatt has two moms, but besides them all the queer characters were men/boys or nonbinary people.
Rep: white gay trans male MC, white queer nonbinary-questioning side character with two moms, white cis gay male side character, white gay trans male side character, Korean bisexual cis male side character, Black bi cis male side character, Black questioning side character, various white cishet side characters.
CWs: Transphobia/transmisia, misgendering, deadnaming, classism, homophobia/homomisia, underage and legal alcohol consumption, neglectful parenting. Moderate: medical content, dysphoria, sexual content, death of parent, grief. Minor: HP reference.
CWs from the author: https://www.masondeaverwrites.com/con...
December 3, 2021
First of all, I would like to thank Mason Deaver personally for allowing me to read their book, I cannot thank them enough and I am forever grateful.
That being said, I'm also cursing their name because no relationship that I will ever have will ever come close to the magic that is Neil and Wyatt.
Also, just a quick reminder that this is NOT an MLM book, (slight spoiler ahead but) Wyatt does go by he/him pronouns throughout most of the book but there is a very well written conversation about gender identity in the later chapter and how Wyatt deals with this before switching to they/them pronouns.
There are also some very big trigger warnings like (blatant) transphobia and underage drinking.
But this book is (in my opinion) one of the best semi-enemies to lovers grumpy sunshine fake dating books I've ever read.
Neil is very prickly and takes some getting used to but once you get to know him, you'll want to protect them at all costs, especially given everything he's been through.
It can get a bit frustrating because what he's supposed to learn/get out of certain situations is so painfully obviously yet he just doesn't do the thing, but that's what makes it worth it in the end when inevitably he has to look back on these moments and finally realises how he was wrong and learns and grows and realises that Wyatt (my sweet lovable baby who I will do anything to protect) is not someone who he can just push away like he'd done with most people.
But you can see that Neil learns and grows in small ways throughout the book and releases some of his pent up anger and trauma.
I honestly don't know if there are really any proper words to describe how much I loved this book, it's definitely something you need to experience for yourself.
That being said, I'm also cursing their name because no relationship that I will ever have will ever come close to the magic that is Neil and Wyatt.
Also, just a quick reminder that this is NOT an MLM book, (slight spoiler ahead but) Wyatt does go by he/him pronouns throughout most of the book but there is a very well written conversation about gender identity in the later chapter and how Wyatt deals with this before switching to they/them pronouns.
There are also some very big trigger warnings like (blatant) transphobia and underage drinking.
But this book is (in my opinion) one of the best semi-enemies to lovers grumpy sunshine fake dating books I've ever read.
Neil is very prickly and takes some getting used to but once you get to know him, you'll want to protect them at all costs, especially given everything he's been through.
It can get a bit frustrating because what he's supposed to learn/get out of certain situations is so painfully obviously yet he just doesn't do the thing, but that's what makes it worth it in the end when inevitably he has to look back on these moments and finally realises how he was wrong and learns and grows and realises that Wyatt (my sweet lovable baby who I will do anything to protect) is not someone who he can just push away like he'd done with most people.
But you can see that Neil learns and grows in small ways throughout the book and releases some of his pent up anger and trauma.
I honestly don't know if there are really any proper words to describe how much I loved this book, it's definitely something you need to experience for yourself.
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