Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex

by Deborah M. Roffman

How young is too young to talk with children about sex and reproduction? Are we clear as adults about the meaning of the words "sex" and "sexuality," or "gender" and "sexual orientation"? Do we know what we want our children to think and value about sexuality, and how to combat unhealthy cultural influences?With a rare directness and clarity about these profoundly important issues, nationally recognized sexuality educator Deborah Roffman challenges and teaches readers to develop a blueprint for opening the lines of communication with children of all ages. Raising sexually healthy children requires that we master what Roffman identifies as five core parenting skills: we must affirm our children's emerging sexuality; provide accurate sexual information; demonstrate the connection between values and action; set safe and healthy limits; and provide constant and effective anticipatory guidance. Powerfully instructive on how to talk in ways that will be meaningful to kids, Sex and Sensibility will help parents confidently interpret and comfortably respond to virtually any question a child might pose or any situation that arises.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

352 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 2000

Reviews

[Allena · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for parents! I have already used tools in the book to help in my discussions with my children and feel so much better about my abilities to foster a stronger relationship with my children when it comes to talking about sex.

[Ana · Rating 4 out of 5]

i loved this book. there is so much good stuff here, helping parents to not only get in on the sex conversation, but to rightfully drive it. roffman's very sobering and insightful point is that our kids are already being pulled into the conversation, from a very young age, by the media: just stand at the grocery checkout with your 3 year old whose staring at the woman's navel on Cosmo, together with the caption "Is he good in bed?" -- or turn on the radio for about 30 seconds and notice what kind of vocabulary is being broadcast to your 6 year old, who already knows all the lyrics but has no idea about the innuendos s/he's singing at the top of his/her lungs. it is a parents' right and privilege (not the media's) to start, develop & shape this conversation with their own children.

i especially loved that Roffman talks in terms not really of sex education, but sexuality education -- which is a lifelong process, beginning from the earliest ages with the correct naming of parts (no more pee pee or wee wee, hinting that true names for real parts should be embarrassing or made cute). so much more complex than just sex, sexuality encompasses not just what we do but who we are, how we identify with our sexual selves, and how this develops appropriately at various stages from childhood to adulthood. roffman makes good sense, and helps empower parents normalize/deconstruct the very broad and rich topic of sexuality away from giggling, jittery, eyebrow raising tones -- and towards a mature, open dialogue that can be tweaked appropriately for childrens' developmental stages with the goal of raising informed, aware, empowered, sexually healthy people who know not just what "sex" is, but who eventually understand sexual identity & roles, the overall notion of intimacy, and more. great read. highly recommended for all parents.

[Larry Bassett · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex
Deborah M. Roffman

A book for adults and parents who need to know how to talk to children at various ages about sexuality: what is it, how do we teach it now, how should we teach it, why isn’t it the way it should be, how to get us from our current place to the place we should be

Here are the chapter headings of the book.

1. Starting over: we can’t get there from here
2. Age appropriateness: too much, too little, or just right?
3. What is sex, really?
4. Values: becoming your child’s cultural interpreter
5. Sexuality: more who we are than what we do
6. Genders: girls aren’t from venus, boys aren’t from mars
7. Partnership: families and schools working together
8. Sexual health: five universal needs along the way
9. Affirmation: seeing and hearing children the way they are
10. Information giving: empowering children through knowledge
11. Values clarification: highlighting “right” thinking
12. Limit setting: keeping our children safe and healthy
13. Anticipatory guidance: making ourselves dispensable
14. Sexual orientation: why and how it’s everyone’s business

[Emily Loomis Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for all parents. It. Is. Excellent.

It's also long and heavy. The kind of book where I can't read much in one day without my head exploding.

It is an older book, published 20 years ago, but the concepts have not changed at all and if anything, the material is even more relevant today.

[Jonna Higgins-Freese · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, this was fabulous. Thoughtful and helpful and should be required reading for all parents. The author sets a great context in which "sexuality" includes a whole range of human behavior and experience -- from gender and justice to pleasure and physical health. She made me feel much more comfortable that there's no such thing as too much information, as long as you listen to what the child is really asking and discern what information is developmentally appropriate, and as long as you frame this as a lifelong conversation to which you will return over and over rather than a single "talk."

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was a really well written and thorough book that helps parents, and other adults, teach and navigate children and youth about sexual health and well-being. I love the analogy she used about the way in which we prepare young people to drive safely vs the way we prepare (or substantially under prepare) youth to understand normal development and how to make healthy real world choices regarding their sexuality. I was disappointed there wasn't a final conclusive chapter to bring all the pieces together. The ending felt abrupt.

[Margaret Hutton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Roffman presents a very thoughtful and nearly academic case for why and how we need to be cultural guides for our kids starting now (and earlier), emphasizing how important it is to determine what our own values are so we can pass them on to our kids. Sounds obvious, but I think it's the reason I want to mostly avoid the topic. As she says, everyone else is telling your child what to think about sex--their friends and every form of media you can imagine. Your child needs to know what YOU think.

[Kelly]

Met Debbie on Tuesday. She did a quick 2.5 day residency at the school where I teach. She did separate programs/workshops for faculty/staff, caregivers of K-5th graders, caregivers of 6th-8th graders, caregivers of 9th-12th graders, and our counseling/health education departments. I was really impressed by and enthusiastic about her holistic approach to child development and sexuality education. Looking forward to reading this (and perhaps her second book as well). - 1/27/11

[Alexa · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those direction changing books for a parent to read. Got me thinking about ways to be more authentic with my 9 year old in discussions about sex - its not about "the big talk" its about a larger framework and keeping the doors open.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

She's a wonderful speaker--if you don't have an opportunity to hear her speak in person, this book does a really good job of representing her thoughts and ideas. Really a thoughtful approach to educating our kids about sexuality and sex.

[M · Rating 2 out of 5]

Might be good for those would squirm at the thought of explaining to their child "just what exactly is a 'nocturnal emission', Mom?"

[Liz]

Didn't bother to read past the first few pages -