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Communicate Your Feelings (without starting a fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner
This book spoke to many of the communication barriers my partner and I have experienced. -Amazon Customer Review
I have never been good with understanding feelings, let alone communicating them, but this book provides a groundwork for both of those processes! -Amazon Customer Review
There’s no way around it—if you’re in a relationship, both you and your partner are going to experience challenging feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and anxiety. The question is, when these feelings come up, will there be stressful fighting and isolation or deepening connection and growth?
For most of us, the ways we learned to handle our feelings were dysfunctional, defensive, and, ultimately, deadly to intimacy. You may even discover that you and your partner have been voicing your feelings in toxic, critical ways—or not voicing them at all—without even realizing it. Instead of experiencing your relationship as a domestic battlefield or never-ending voyage of loneliness, what if it were an attachment of mutual emotional safety and connection?
Fortunately, the ability to communicate lovingly and effectively isn’t inherent—it’s a skill that can be learned. Use these simple, immediately-applicable communication techniques as your building blocks to a happier, stronger relationship…
I have never been good with understanding feelings, let alone communicating them, but this book provides a groundwork for both of those processes! -Amazon Customer Review
There’s no way around it—if you’re in a relationship, both you and your partner are going to experience challenging feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and anxiety. The question is, when these feelings come up, will there be stressful fighting and isolation or deepening connection and growth?
For most of us, the ways we learned to handle our feelings were dysfunctional, defensive, and, ultimately, deadly to intimacy. You may even discover that you and your partner have been voicing your feelings in toxic, critical ways—or not voicing them at all—without even realizing it. Instead of experiencing your relationship as a domestic battlefield or never-ending voyage of loneliness, what if it were an attachment of mutual emotional safety and connection?
Fortunately, the ability to communicate lovingly and effectively isn’t inherent—it’s a skill that can be learned. Use these simple, immediately-applicable communication techniques as your building blocks to a happier, stronger relationship…
125 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 24, 2021
1655 people are currently reading
1187 people want to read
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December 22, 2024
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO:
- Make a Big Ask by using the phrase, “Would you be willing?”
- most people don’t realize they’re upset about the tone you used while being just fine with your actual request.
- When you “should” on yourself, you’re criticizing yourself. When you should on your partner, it’s a criticism in disguise.
- You’ll be surprised at your partner’s willingness to meet your requests when they are made gently and respectfully.
- The challenge is to continue being happy after you’ve experienced unpleasant feelings associated with your partner.
- Acknowledging that your and your partner’s preferences are simply that—“preferences”—sets the tone for a team approach and a useful discussion.
2. EFFECTIVE CONVERSATION:
- Your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation.
- What you need to know is it’s okay to feel angry and frustrated. You’re allowed to feel that way. What’s not okay is to express those feelings in the form of name-calling and insults.
- “You don’t have to agree with my reasons for feeling angry, but I do need you to acknowledge that it’s the way I’m feeling right now.”
3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR “YOUR” FEELINGS:
- When your feelings of anger are overwhelming, own them. After all, they’re YOUR feelings. Take responsibility for your feelings.
- If you need a break, take it. Since you’re the one taking a break from the conversation, it’s your responsibility to seek your partner out to finish the discussion later.
- Communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. (*)
- If your partner tries squelching or minimizing your feelings, say, “These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable to both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”
4. IT’S CHALLENGING:
- Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you.
- You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it.
- Failing to give this difference the consideration it deserves leads to communication chaos in relationships.
- You cannot “feel betrayed”, but you can “feel sad and angry” about being betrayed (or perceiving that you were betrayed).
- “I’m open to discussing both of our perspectives so we can come to a mutual understanding. What I’m not open to is you telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”
5. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: UNRESOLVED FEELINGS THAT GET TRIGGERED
- By insisting on saying “made” or “makes me feel”, I was eliminating any possibility of emotional stability from my life.
- Understanding that I was basing my emotional well-being upon other people treating me just how I wanted—after all, they made me feel things—brought me to a fork in the road.
- When you tell your partner they “made you” feel something, what you really mean is, “What you just did or said reminded me of an unresolved emotional wound, and it’s extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable for me.”
- Emotional stability is only possible when you take responsibility for your feelings.
6. APOLOGIES:
- If someone says, “I’m sorry I made you feel upset,” don’t accept that apology. (*)
- Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel.
- Even if they did intend to get you angry, saying they “made you” angry confirms to them they can pull your emotional strings whenever they want.
- Saying someone “makes you” feel something is also a verbal attack on that person. It’s okay to hold them responsible for their words or actions, but not for YOUR feelings.(*)
7. ACCOUNTABILITY:
- How you handle your mistakes is crucial. Handle them well, and trust and intimacy can be better than ever. But if you gloss over your mistakes and expect your partner to just get over them, trust slowly erodes and intimacy fades into oblivion.
- Don’t expect your partner to move on until you’ve openly taken responsibility and acknowledged—to your partner—that you understand the wrongness and harmfulness of your actions. (*)
- If they can’t see and acknowledge their actions, I’m not going to trust that person or engage in a relationship with them beyond the superficial, if at all. (*)
- Evidence of trustworthiness can be as simple as acknowledging wrongdoing.
- You can’t expect closeness and connection to automatically happen if you’re ignoring difficult discussions. (*)
- Closeness and connection are on the other side of the hard discussions. Go through the hard discussions, then experience intimacy.
- “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Stating you were wrong is vital when it comes to re-establishing trust. (*)
- An apology alone won’t fix a relationship. However, without an apology, there’s no hope for ever fixing a relationship. (**)
- The argument isn’t over until apologies have been made and fault has been admitted where appropriate. (*)
- Do not apologize to “keep the peace,” as this trains the other person to continue acting destructively and then relying on you to take the blame for their behavior.
- Do apologize when you’ve said or done something hurtful.
- Save your apologies for when you’ve done something wrong or hurtful and stop apologizing for simply existing.
- The way to apologize is by saying “I’m sorry.”
8. MY ROLE IN PARTNER’S EMOTIONS:
- DO: all you have to do is put your hand on your partner’s back and sit there.
- Grieving, i.e., crying, is our natural, built-in mechanism for moving beyond the losses we experience.
- Grieving successfully requires feeling the sadness of the actual loss, not feeling sad for yourself due to self-pity.
- SAY: Put your hand on their back and say, “It’s great you’re letting this out.”
- Underlying messages are what’s implied in a message, not what’s directly stated.
- SAY: “You can be upset and angry with me for as long as you want,” works because it acknowledges and validates their right to feel as they do. Once they know you aren’t trying to take away their right to feel as they do, they’ll be more willing to process their feelings and work with you toward a resolution.
- When your partner isn’t defending their right to be mad and upset, they can get curious about the situation, ask some important questions, and work through the issue. (*)
9. BOUNDARIES: REMOVE YOURSELF:
- “Request” is not a boundary.
- A boundary is always something you control.
- Boundaries are not threats, demands, or requests.
- Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about deciding what you are and aren’t willing to accept.
- Implement your action—an action YOU control.
- Choose your boundaries slowly with much wisdom, counsel, and consideration. But act swiftly in implementing them once your boundary line is dishonored. (*)
- The feeling of guilt is why people don’t follow through on boundaries.
- We train people how to treat us. (*)
- Boundaries allow you to calmly and confidently remove yourself without yelling, name-calling, kicking, screaming, or spewing insults.
- A person’s feelings are not your responsibility.
- The way THEY feel about YOU removing yourself is not your responsibility.
- Hold them responsible for their words and actions, not for how you feel about their words and actions. (*)
- What nobody told them when first starting out was that all relationships evolve. Either you flow with the evolution and work through the transformational growth process, or you fight the evolution and grow apart.(*)
- You’re open to the growth areas your partner brings up, and you expect your partner to be open to discussing the growth areas you bring up.
- Take time to examine your role in creating unpleasant, painful situations.
- Many of us were raised to never deal with emotions, so addressing them in an adult relationship is uncomfortable.
- Holding yourself and your partner mutually accountable ensures both people are responsible for their words and actions.
- ANALOGY: When sailing a boat, you’re headed in a generally correct direction, but you have to continuously adjust the course. The wind and water will constantly take the boat slightly off course, and the sailor makes adjustments again and again throughout the voyage.
10. SATISFACTION:
- The difference between healthy and unhealthy communication is that while unhealthy communication seeks to avoid or deflect issues, healthy communication seeks to squarely face, address, and work through them.
- Adult relationships require directly discussing and working through issues. You’ll be much happier when you forget how things “should” be and begin addressing things as they are.
- Relationship satisfaction comes from being with someone willing to talk and work through challenging issues as they arise.
- satisfaction is discovered within the very process of communicating.
1. WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO:
- Make a Big Ask by using the phrase, “Would you be willing?”
- most people don’t realize they’re upset about the tone you used while being just fine with your actual request.
- When you “should” on yourself, you’re criticizing yourself. When you should on your partner, it’s a criticism in disguise.
- You’ll be surprised at your partner’s willingness to meet your requests when they are made gently and respectfully.
- The challenge is to continue being happy after you’ve experienced unpleasant feelings associated with your partner.
- Acknowledging that your and your partner’s preferences are simply that—“preferences”—sets the tone for a team approach and a useful discussion.
2. EFFECTIVE CONVERSATION:
- Your goal isn’t to “win,” it’s to engage in an effective conversation.
- What you need to know is it’s okay to feel angry and frustrated. You’re allowed to feel that way. What’s not okay is to express those feelings in the form of name-calling and insults.
- “You don’t have to agree with my reasons for feeling angry, but I do need you to acknowledge that it’s the way I’m feeling right now.”
3. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR “YOUR” FEELINGS:
- When your feelings of anger are overwhelming, own them. After all, they’re YOUR feelings. Take responsibility for your feelings.
- If you need a break, take it. Since you’re the one taking a break from the conversation, it’s your responsibility to seek your partner out to finish the discussion later.
- Communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. (*)
- If your partner tries squelching or minimizing your feelings, say, “These are my feelings, and they’re not up for debate. What I am willing to do is have a discussion about both of our perspectives and try to come to a resolution that is agreeable to both of us. What I’m not willing to do is sit here and have you tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”
4. IT’S CHALLENGING:
- Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you.
- You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it.
- Failing to give this difference the consideration it deserves leads to communication chaos in relationships.
- You cannot “feel betrayed”, but you can “feel sad and angry” about being betrayed (or perceiving that you were betrayed).
- “I’m open to discussing both of our perspectives so we can come to a mutual understanding. What I’m not open to is you telling me how I should or shouldn’t feel.”
5. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: UNRESOLVED FEELINGS THAT GET TRIGGERED
- By insisting on saying “made” or “makes me feel”, I was eliminating any possibility of emotional stability from my life.
- Understanding that I was basing my emotional well-being upon other people treating me just how I wanted—after all, they made me feel things—brought me to a fork in the road.
- When you tell your partner they “made you” feel something, what you really mean is, “What you just did or said reminded me of an unresolved emotional wound, and it’s extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable for me.”
- Emotional stability is only possible when you take responsibility for your feelings.
6. APOLOGIES:
- If someone says, “I’m sorry I made you feel upset,” don’t accept that apology. (*)
- Accept an apology when someone takes responsibility for their actions, not for how they “made” you feel.
- Even if they did intend to get you angry, saying they “made you” angry confirms to them they can pull your emotional strings whenever they want.
- Saying someone “makes you” feel something is also a verbal attack on that person. It’s okay to hold them responsible for their words or actions, but not for YOUR feelings.(*)
7. ACCOUNTABILITY:
- How you handle your mistakes is crucial. Handle them well, and trust and intimacy can be better than ever. But if you gloss over your mistakes and expect your partner to just get over them, trust slowly erodes and intimacy fades into oblivion.
- Don’t expect your partner to move on until you’ve openly taken responsibility and acknowledged—to your partner—that you understand the wrongness and harmfulness of your actions. (*)
- If they can’t see and acknowledge their actions, I’m not going to trust that person or engage in a relationship with them beyond the superficial, if at all. (*)
- Evidence of trustworthiness can be as simple as acknowledging wrongdoing.
- You can’t expect closeness and connection to automatically happen if you’re ignoring difficult discussions. (*)
- Closeness and connection are on the other side of the hard discussions. Go through the hard discussions, then experience intimacy.
- “I was wrong, and I’m sorry.” Stating you were wrong is vital when it comes to re-establishing trust. (*)
- An apology alone won’t fix a relationship. However, without an apology, there’s no hope for ever fixing a relationship. (**)
- The argument isn’t over until apologies have been made and fault has been admitted where appropriate. (*)
- Do not apologize to “keep the peace,” as this trains the other person to continue acting destructively and then relying on you to take the blame for their behavior.
- Do apologize when you’ve said or done something hurtful.
- Save your apologies for when you’ve done something wrong or hurtful and stop apologizing for simply existing.
- The way to apologize is by saying “I’m sorry.”
8. MY ROLE IN PARTNER’S EMOTIONS:
- DO: all you have to do is put your hand on your partner’s back and sit there.
- Grieving, i.e., crying, is our natural, built-in mechanism for moving beyond the losses we experience.
- Grieving successfully requires feeling the sadness of the actual loss, not feeling sad for yourself due to self-pity.
- SAY: Put your hand on their back and say, “It’s great you’re letting this out.”
- Underlying messages are what’s implied in a message, not what’s directly stated.
- SAY: “You can be upset and angry with me for as long as you want,” works because it acknowledges and validates their right to feel as they do. Once they know you aren’t trying to take away their right to feel as they do, they’ll be more willing to process their feelings and work with you toward a resolution.
- When your partner isn’t defending their right to be mad and upset, they can get curious about the situation, ask some important questions, and work through the issue. (*)
9. BOUNDARIES: REMOVE YOURSELF:
- “Request” is not a boundary.
- A boundary is always something you control.
- Boundaries are not threats, demands, or requests.
- Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person. They’re about deciding what you are and aren’t willing to accept.
- Implement your action—an action YOU control.
- Choose your boundaries slowly with much wisdom, counsel, and consideration. But act swiftly in implementing them once your boundary line is dishonored. (*)
- The feeling of guilt is why people don’t follow through on boundaries.
- We train people how to treat us. (*)
- Boundaries allow you to calmly and confidently remove yourself without yelling, name-calling, kicking, screaming, or spewing insults.
- A person’s feelings are not your responsibility.
- The way THEY feel about YOU removing yourself is not your responsibility.
- Hold them responsible for their words and actions, not for how you feel about their words and actions. (*)
- What nobody told them when first starting out was that all relationships evolve. Either you flow with the evolution and work through the transformational growth process, or you fight the evolution and grow apart.(*)
- You’re open to the growth areas your partner brings up, and you expect your partner to be open to discussing the growth areas you bring up.
- Take time to examine your role in creating unpleasant, painful situations.
- Many of us were raised to never deal with emotions, so addressing them in an adult relationship is uncomfortable.
- Holding yourself and your partner mutually accountable ensures both people are responsible for their words and actions.
- ANALOGY: When sailing a boat, you’re headed in a generally correct direction, but you have to continuously adjust the course. The wind and water will constantly take the boat slightly off course, and the sailor makes adjustments again and again throughout the voyage.
10. SATISFACTION:
- The difference between healthy and unhealthy communication is that while unhealthy communication seeks to avoid or deflect issues, healthy communication seeks to squarely face, address, and work through them.
- Adult relationships require directly discussing and working through issues. You’ll be much happier when you forget how things “should” be and begin addressing things as they are.
- Relationship satisfaction comes from being with someone willing to talk and work through challenging issues as they arise.
- satisfaction is discovered within the very process of communicating.
November 17, 2022
This book very well could save your relationship
I will have to admit I bought this book hoping to.learn a little about communicating with my wife. I tend to put off the hard discussions hoping they will fix themselves. New Flash!!! That only makes this vs worse. Knowing the right way to express yourself and not be in the offensive will go a long ways. This might be the most important book besides the Bible I have read in a long time!
I will have to admit I bought this book hoping to.learn a little about communicating with my wife. I tend to put off the hard discussions hoping they will fix themselves. New Flash!!! That only makes this vs worse. Knowing the right way to express yourself and not be in the offensive will go a long ways. This might be the most important book besides the Bible I have read in a long time!
July 20, 2022
essential reading!
Clearly and with good examples explains critical distinction between thinking and feeling, vital to good communication. Highly recommend to anyone that wants mature adult relationships.
Clearly and with good examples explains critical distinction between thinking and feeling, vital to good communication. Highly recommend to anyone that wants mature adult relationships.
August 18, 2025
So good! I absolutely loved how short and to the point it was. Self help books can be so long winded and so large that they become daunting to read. Not this one. It’s a gem. And it’s not only for your romantic relationship! It has amazing advice that can be applied to ANY relationship. Here are some of my notes from the book:
•Communication Technique #1:
Using “When”
Dialogue for when you need change:
When you ______, I feel _____. Would you be willing to
____.
* You must watch your tone of voice as you use this dialogue. Be sincere and genuine, especially when you make a request.
•Keep it simple: “I feel _____.” NOT, “You make me feel ______.” Don’t use “You” statements. Use “I” statements.
Technique #2:
“Avoid Should”
•The word “should” is criticism is disguise. When you “should” yourself, you are criticizing yourself. When you “should” your partner or anyone else, you are criticizing them because you are indicating that something is wrong with the way they are behaving. Instead of “should,” use, “I would like.”
•Example:
“I should be a more patient mother.”
“I shouldn’t be tired.”
“This shouldn’t be aggravating me so much.”
Change these to:
“I would like to be a more patient mother.”
“I’d like to be less tired.”
“I’d like to not let things aggravate me so much.”
technique #3:
State your feelings.
Example: “I feel angry.” Simple as that. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t resort to name calling, insults, or sarcasm. Don’t pretend. State forwardly how you are really feeling so resentment doesn’t build.
Technique #4:
If you find it challenging to bring up how you are feeling, start with, “I want to say something, but this is challenging for me.” Then communication opens up.
“You may not have realized that communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. It’s not your partner’s job to bring that out of you, but it is their job to not judge or shame you when you do it. I can’t tell you the number of people who hold the belief that when they find the “right”person, that person will instinctively tend to their feelings and thoughts, relieving them of having to communicate them. Such a partner may exist in movies and novels, but I’ve yet to see a healthy, happy relationship when both partners weren’t taking responsibility for their own communication.”
* Saying nothing at all, and avoiding communication is toxic.
* Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you.
* Don’t allow your partner to invalidate your feelings.
* Communicating your feelings as your responsibility, not your partner’s. Likewise, it’s your partner’s responsibility to communicate their feelings, not yours.
* You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it.
Technique #5:
Thoughts vs. feelings
Try not to confuse thoughts versus feelings. Thoughts or something you think in the form of words or images and a feeling as a psychological sensation in your body, such as fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration, shame, and embarrassment. So saying something like I don’t feel like you care about me is not a correct statement. The correct statement would be, “I think you don’t care about me, and I feel sad about that.”
Try this formula:
“I think _____, and I feel ____ about that.”
(You can also use “when you do this, I think X and I feel Y about that.”
Example:
“When you text on your phone while I’m talking to you, I think you don’t care about what I have to say, and I feel sad about that.”
*Note: rejected and betrayed are not feelings.
Technique #6:
Understand that people don’t MAKE you feel things, and likewise I don’t make people feel things. Take ownership of how you feel and let others take ownership too.
Never say, “I’m sorry I made you feel ____.” You don’t make people feel a certain way.
Instead, say sorry for your actions if they merit an apology.
Example:
“I’m sorry I got impatient and spoke sharply.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t give your ideas the credence they deserved.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t respond kindly.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t support you.”
Take responsibility for what you did, not how they felt.
Technique # 7:
Be willing to say, “I was wrong.” This builds trust again in the relationship.
•Realize that forgiveness and trust or not synonymous. You can forgive someone without trusting them again.
“ without acknowledging it wrong, it’s not realistic to expect your partner to trust you again. Remember, trust is not the same as forgiveness.”
Technique #8:
Don’t say, “I apologize.” Say, “I’m sorry.”
•Do not apologize if something is not your fault. Don’t take the blame to keep the peace. Own when it’s yours to own, but taking fault for someone else enables them.
Stop apologizing for simply existing. Only say you’re sorry when you have truly done something that merits an apology.
Technique #9:
Let people cry. Just put your hand on their back and tell them it’s great they’re letting this out. Just offer support and let them know you are there with no judgement.
Technique #10:
Let them be upset with you. (I feel like this one would especially be helpful with children.) Tell them they can be upset with you for as long as they want.
Don’t just get over it. The same issue will keep cropping up.
Technique #11:
Set boundaries. A boundary is something YOU can control.
Hold to what you have said you’ll do. You may feel guilty at first, but you must follow through or else the other person will think you just made a request or threat. If you tell your child, “You need to stop arguing with your brother or we’re going back home,” then you need to follow through if they keep arguing. Don’t make a boundary you aren’t willing to follow through on.
Technique #12:
Don’t look at comments to improve as criticism. Look at them as ways to grow together in your relationship. Don’t be defensive!
“When you become defensive about your areas of growth, you’ve doomed your relationship to a slow and agonizing death.”
“If your partner has areas they want you to grow in, I encourage you to be open to those areas. If you don’t like the way they bring it up, address the fact that you didn’t like the way they brought it up, but don’t discount the issue they were trying to address.” Keep tone and message separate.
Technique #13:
Don’t blame but hold people accountable. It is never just one person’s fault.
You’ll be much happier when you forget how things “should” be and address things as they are.
•Communication Technique #1:
Using “When”
Dialogue for when you need change:
When you ______, I feel _____. Would you be willing to
____.
* You must watch your tone of voice as you use this dialogue. Be sincere and genuine, especially when you make a request.
•Keep it simple: “I feel _____.” NOT, “You make me feel ______.” Don’t use “You” statements. Use “I” statements.
Technique #2:
“Avoid Should”
•The word “should” is criticism is disguise. When you “should” yourself, you are criticizing yourself. When you “should” your partner or anyone else, you are criticizing them because you are indicating that something is wrong with the way they are behaving. Instead of “should,” use, “I would like.”
•Example:
“I should be a more patient mother.”
“I shouldn’t be tired.”
“This shouldn’t be aggravating me so much.”
Change these to:
“I would like to be a more patient mother.”
“I’d like to be less tired.”
“I’d like to not let things aggravate me so much.”
technique #3:
State your feelings.
Example: “I feel angry.” Simple as that. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t resort to name calling, insults, or sarcasm. Don’t pretend. State forwardly how you are really feeling so resentment doesn’t build.
Technique #4:
If you find it challenging to bring up how you are feeling, start with, “I want to say something, but this is challenging for me.” Then communication opens up.
“You may not have realized that communicating your feelings and concerns is your responsibility. It’s not your partner’s job to bring that out of you, but it is their job to not judge or shame you when you do it. I can’t tell you the number of people who hold the belief that when they find the “right”person, that person will instinctively tend to their feelings and thoughts, relieving them of having to communicate them. Such a partner may exist in movies and novels, but I’ve yet to see a healthy, happy relationship when both partners weren’t taking responsibility for their own communication.”
* Saying nothing at all, and avoiding communication is toxic.
* Let your partner know you want to communicate your feelings, but it’s challenging for you.
* Don’t allow your partner to invalidate your feelings.
* Communicating your feelings as your responsibility, not your partner’s. Likewise, it’s your partner’s responsibility to communicate their feelings, not yours.
* You have a lot to say, you’re just not verbalizing it.
Technique #5:
Thoughts vs. feelings
Try not to confuse thoughts versus feelings. Thoughts or something you think in the form of words or images and a feeling as a psychological sensation in your body, such as fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration, shame, and embarrassment. So saying something like I don’t feel like you care about me is not a correct statement. The correct statement would be, “I think you don’t care about me, and I feel sad about that.”
Try this formula:
“I think _____, and I feel ____ about that.”
(You can also use “when you do this, I think X and I feel Y about that.”
Example:
“When you text on your phone while I’m talking to you, I think you don’t care about what I have to say, and I feel sad about that.”
*Note: rejected and betrayed are not feelings.
Technique #6:
Understand that people don’t MAKE you feel things, and likewise I don’t make people feel things. Take ownership of how you feel and let others take ownership too.
Never say, “I’m sorry I made you feel ____.” You don’t make people feel a certain way.
Instead, say sorry for your actions if they merit an apology.
Example:
“I’m sorry I got impatient and spoke sharply.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t give your ideas the credence they deserved.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t respond kindly.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t support you.”
Take responsibility for what you did, not how they felt.
Technique # 7:
Be willing to say, “I was wrong.” This builds trust again in the relationship.
•Realize that forgiveness and trust or not synonymous. You can forgive someone without trusting them again.
“ without acknowledging it wrong, it’s not realistic to expect your partner to trust you again. Remember, trust is not the same as forgiveness.”
Technique #8:
Don’t say, “I apologize.” Say, “I’m sorry.”
•Do not apologize if something is not your fault. Don’t take the blame to keep the peace. Own when it’s yours to own, but taking fault for someone else enables them.
Stop apologizing for simply existing. Only say you’re sorry when you have truly done something that merits an apology.
Technique #9:
Let people cry. Just put your hand on their back and tell them it’s great they’re letting this out. Just offer support and let them know you are there with no judgement.
Technique #10:
Let them be upset with you. (I feel like this one would especially be helpful with children.) Tell them they can be upset with you for as long as they want.
Don’t just get over it. The same issue will keep cropping up.
Technique #11:
Set boundaries. A boundary is something YOU can control.
Hold to what you have said you’ll do. You may feel guilty at first, but you must follow through or else the other person will think you just made a request or threat. If you tell your child, “You need to stop arguing with your brother or we’re going back home,” then you need to follow through if they keep arguing. Don’t make a boundary you aren’t willing to follow through on.
Technique #12:
Don’t look at comments to improve as criticism. Look at them as ways to grow together in your relationship. Don’t be defensive!
“When you become defensive about your areas of growth, you’ve doomed your relationship to a slow and agonizing death.”
“If your partner has areas they want you to grow in, I encourage you to be open to those areas. If you don’t like the way they bring it up, address the fact that you didn’t like the way they brought it up, but don’t discount the issue they were trying to address.” Keep tone and message separate.
Technique #13:
Don’t blame but hold people accountable. It is never just one person’s fault.
You’ll be much happier when you forget how things “should” be and address things as they are.
February 23, 2022
Accessible and helpful techniques
We all need communication skills to have successful relationships. These skills are not something most of us are taught. When you realize this, to think we or our partner "should" be good at something that requires skill that we haven't learned or practiced seems absurd. This book helps people accept what hasn't been working in their communication and gives real and accessible techniques to practice. I'm looking forward to implementing them in my, I mean, our marriage.
We all need communication skills to have successful relationships. These skills are not something most of us are taught. When you realize this, to think we or our partner "should" be good at something that requires skill that we haven't learned or practiced seems absurd. This book helps people accept what hasn't been working in their communication and gives real and accessible techniques to practice. I'm looking forward to implementing them in my, I mean, our marriage.
June 8, 2023
Very accessible and helpful! Covers a LOT in a short amount of time so some areas could use maybe a smidge more depth but it does what it came to do. I was happily surprised that right off the bat I was able to identify some things I can be working on in myself that I previously wasn’t aware of, and I also feel better prepared for future conversations! Because the moral of the story is that conversations NEED to happen- that’s something I haven’t always been fantastic with, but now I know it and can work on it!
April 23, 2025
wow, this book goes much deeper than what to say (and not say) to your partner. I found an insightful takeaway on every page. It is empowering to pause, understand what is a thought, and what is the associated feeling. Coupled with acknowledgement, acceptance, and healing from emotional abandonment trauma, this book has given me a treasure trove of communication tools that will allow for deeper and clearer communication with my next romantic partner. highly recommend
October 16, 2023
This was a great, quick read! This book is not just for marriage/romantic relationships.
So many tips and real life examples that can be used when communicating in all types of relationships. Mother/child, friendship, co-workers, etc.
Also, goes over trauma related issues from childhood that can play a part in your communication skills as an adult. 👍🏼
So many tips and real life examples that can be used when communicating in all types of relationships. Mother/child, friendship, co-workers, etc.
Also, goes over trauma related issues from childhood that can play a part in your communication skills as an adult. 👍🏼
August 12, 2023
Quick read with stone really good suggestions for how to improve your communication so it is received well. Little nuggets here and there helped resource the value of communication and help remind me that it's never too late to improve myself or my relationships.
May 19, 2024
Honestly a life changing book that needs to be read by anyone and everyone. Communication is hard when tasked with a difficult conversation with a partner and this book really helps you work through it.
January 2, 2025
Quick to the point. Full of practical information. He provides so many examples of how we fail at communication and then Provides the correct way to communicate. There is not a dry moment in this book, if you’re looking for improvement in your communication or improvement in your life overall this will keep your attention. Some books I’ve read like this take along time to explain an idea you almost loose track of the idea they are trying to explain and then Theres a squirrel.
This book is a staple in my self development/relationship improvement goals and will be a reference I return to often.
This book is a staple in my self development/relationship improvement goals and will be a reference I return to often.
July 3, 2025
This is a quick, well-thought out book, written with examples about communicating through conflict.
October 16, 2022
I have always had observed the way people communicate with each other. I have had a curious interest in this topic specifically. I wondered how did the successful partners stay together, while in other cases they couldn’t work things out between them. I came to the conclusion by my own and personal direct observation of conversations between my own parents and relatives that the success and failure of relationships depends heavily on : Successful Communication. I know very well that my parents love each other, but there were times they weren’t able to get along and I heard most of their arguments and analysed it. It was exactly the type of toxic style described in the book. This book proved me right. This book has also provided me with the healthier way to communicate with other people in a productive and fruitful way in order to maintain the relationship and not ruin it to the point of absolute destruction. I am happy that I have read this and I am also glad that the author humbly and kindly shared his real life insights with the world. I would totally recommend this book to my reader friends. If you feel like you’re stuck in a phase in your relationship that requires acquiring affective communication skills then this is the book for you. I rated it a 5 stars without second thought.
July 6, 2023
Highly recommend
It has lots of ideas ,situations, different topics on real life ppl. It tells you how to say things to ppl in words that is not going to cause a agreement in words that not going to hurt ur partners feelings or anyone else. It's what choosing the right words to get ur points across. Talking thing out on how u feel not letting it get sweeped under the rug. Getting things out in the opening were u both could be happier. And working on communication and not seeing the issue but ending.
I saw alot of this in me that I need to do for myself in my marriage and things I saw what my husband needs to work on too. We're both not perfect but we can do this for our personal self and make our lives happier. Iv sent a friend of mine some of things through this book and she said communication is a big one between us. I would highly recommend to everyone to read this. I'm diffently looking for more good books from this author that I can read for myself and share to others.
Thank you for writing and publishing this book.
It has lots of ideas ,situations, different topics on real life ppl. It tells you how to say things to ppl in words that is not going to cause a agreement in words that not going to hurt ur partners feelings or anyone else. It's what choosing the right words to get ur points across. Talking thing out on how u feel not letting it get sweeped under the rug. Getting things out in the opening were u both could be happier. And working on communication and not seeing the issue but ending.
I saw alot of this in me that I need to do for myself in my marriage and things I saw what my husband needs to work on too. We're both not perfect but we can do this for our personal self and make our lives happier. Iv sent a friend of mine some of things through this book and she said communication is a big one between us. I would highly recommend to everyone to read this. I'm diffently looking for more good books from this author that I can read for myself and share to others.
Thank you for writing and publishing this book.
September 9, 2024
I’m amazed at the way this author explains…
… so many topics that - even as a student of psychology with years of study - I had never been able to explain for othersz’ understanding, such as why others are never the creator of your feelings, and the exact mechanism that causes a relationship to wither and die without healthy communication! If you wish to really learn and understand the concepts of healthy communication with your partner, and you only commit to reading one book on the subject, I highly recommend that you choose to invest in this one! I have no doubt it will serve you, your partner, and your relationship, regardless of how difficult things have become. If you’re tired of repeating the same arguments and fighting over every little thing constantly, you’ve discovered what you need to repair the gap and restore harmony in your lives! Don’t let another day pass miserably between you! Just try it - even using just one section will change your life for the better!
… so many topics that - even as a student of psychology with years of study - I had never been able to explain for othersz’ understanding, such as why others are never the creator of your feelings, and the exact mechanism that causes a relationship to wither and die without healthy communication! If you wish to really learn and understand the concepts of healthy communication with your partner, and you only commit to reading one book on the subject, I highly recommend that you choose to invest in this one! I have no doubt it will serve you, your partner, and your relationship, regardless of how difficult things have become. If you’re tired of repeating the same arguments and fighting over every little thing constantly, you’ve discovered what you need to repair the gap and restore harmony in your lives! Don’t let another day pass miserably between you! Just try it - even using just one section will change your life for the better!
October 2, 2024
This book offers practical and insightful advice on how to communicate more effectively in relationships. The emphasis on understanding how to avoid escalation and foster trust is particularly valuable for couples who struggle with misunderstandings and arguments. The techniques shared are actionable, focusing on clear communication and emotional clarity, which helps both partners feel heard and respected.
What I appreciated most is how the book breaks down the process of handling sensitive emotions, turning potential arguments into constructive conversations. It moves away from common communication pitfalls, like bottling up feelings or explosive reactions, and encourages a calm, measured approach.
Overall, it's a fantastic resource for anyone looking to improve their relationship and build a stronger, healthier connection with their partner. If you want fewer arguments and more progress, this book is definitely worth reading.
What I appreciated most is how the book breaks down the process of handling sensitive emotions, turning potential arguments into constructive conversations. It moves away from common communication pitfalls, like bottling up feelings or explosive reactions, and encourages a calm, measured approach.
Overall, it's a fantastic resource for anyone looking to improve their relationship and build a stronger, healthier connection with their partner. If you want fewer arguments and more progress, this book is definitely worth reading.
December 6, 2022
Nic, thank you 🙏. IMO, this book deserves more recognition.
This book was a game changer for my partner and I. If you’re stuck in old patterns of communication that often lead to fights or feeling misunderstood and are ready to learn a better way of relationship built on respect and trust, read this.
Nic Saluppa did an amazing job of simplifying, adding humor and sharing personal stories. He is succinct and to the point. We really needed this and it was a quick read for both my partner and I. I’m planning to reread this book at least 4x a year, since much of this can be forgotten in your day to day.
My partner even put together a google doc of points in his book that we needed reminders about and plan to keep it on our fridge. All in all, the book brought us closer together and have recommended it to coworkers and friends ❤️
This book was a game changer for my partner and I. If you’re stuck in old patterns of communication that often lead to fights or feeling misunderstood and are ready to learn a better way of relationship built on respect and trust, read this.
Nic Saluppa did an amazing job of simplifying, adding humor and sharing personal stories. He is succinct and to the point. We really needed this and it was a quick read for both my partner and I. I’m planning to reread this book at least 4x a year, since much of this can be forgotten in your day to day.
My partner even put together a google doc of points in his book that we needed reminders about and plan to keep it on our fridge. All in all, the book brought us closer together and have recommended it to coworkers and friends ❤️
May 1, 2025
Nic Saluppo's book, "Communicate Your Feelings Without Starting a Fight" is a fairly short book to read. It is broken down into four parts.
The majority of the information in this book, not all the information, (see what I did there... no absolute statements) is common sense but easily forgotten when situations become heated. Saluppo however, does well explaining how to phrase difficult responses during arguments, how to break down what each individual says into what they actually want to communicate, how to have both sides' feelings listened to and respected. He mentions what healthy boundaries look like and how to keep them without allowing guilt, and breaks down what SHOULD be tolerated and what SHOULDN'T be tolerated.
I really recommend this book, it is short and my family and I read it together and discussed many things this book brought to our attention.
-Happy Reading!
The majority of the information in this book, not all the information, (see what I did there... no absolute statements) is common sense but easily forgotten when situations become heated. Saluppo however, does well explaining how to phrase difficult responses during arguments, how to break down what each individual says into what they actually want to communicate, how to have both sides' feelings listened to and respected. He mentions what healthy boundaries look like and how to keep them without allowing guilt, and breaks down what SHOULD be tolerated and what SHOULDN'T be tolerated.
I really recommend this book, it is short and my family and I read it together and discussed many things this book brought to our attention.
-Happy Reading!
February 5, 2025
This book focuses on expressing emotions openly and honestly. It provides simple techniques to improve communication and strengthen relationships. The writing is easy to understand, making it a quick read for anyone looking to improve their relationship.
However, I feel that the advice given in this book may not work for everyone. Communication styles differ from person to person, and what works for one might not be suitable for another. While some tips are helpful, others feel too general and lack depth.
Overall, Communicate Your Feelings is a decent self-help book for beginners who struggle with expressing emotions. But if you're looking for a more in-depth guide, this might not be the perfect choice.
However, I feel that the advice given in this book may not work for everyone. Communication styles differ from person to person, and what works for one might not be suitable for another. While some tips are helpful, others feel too general and lack depth.
Overall, Communicate Your Feelings is a decent self-help book for beginners who struggle with expressing emotions. But if you're looking for a more in-depth guide, this might not be the perfect choice.
October 23, 2024
If you’ve ever tried to open up about your feelings and ended up in an argument, this book is the guide you need. This book breaks down how to express emotions without the conversation blowing up. Saluppo’s writing feels like a casual chat, full of relatable examples and straightforward advice.
The first key takeaway is learning to avoid words that trigger defensiveness. Saluppa shows how small changes in wording can make a huge difference in how your partner reacts. It’s not just about what you say but how you say it, and the book is packed with examples of simple tweaks that help avoid unnecessary conflict.
Another game-changer is the way author helps you clarify your thoughts and feelings. Most of us jumble the two together, leading to confusion when we try to express ourselves. He teaches you how to separate them, making your communication clearer and more effective.
He also tackles how to own up when you’ve made a mistake. Instead of brushing it off, he encourages facing it head-on, which helps rebuild trust and clears up any lingering grudges. This section is especially useful for anyone who struggles with conflict resolution.
Lastly, the book teaches you how to respond to your partner’s emotions without feeling like you need to "fix" everything. By simply acknowledging their feelings and being present, you’ll create a deeper bond without the pressure to solve all their problems.
Overall, it’s an easy read with tons of practical advice to make communication in relationships smoother and more fulfilling.
The first key takeaway is learning to avoid words that trigger defensiveness. Saluppa shows how small changes in wording can make a huge difference in how your partner reacts. It’s not just about what you say but how you say it, and the book is packed with examples of simple tweaks that help avoid unnecessary conflict.
Another game-changer is the way author helps you clarify your thoughts and feelings. Most of us jumble the two together, leading to confusion when we try to express ourselves. He teaches you how to separate them, making your communication clearer and more effective.
He also tackles how to own up when you’ve made a mistake. Instead of brushing it off, he encourages facing it head-on, which helps rebuild trust and clears up any lingering grudges. This section is especially useful for anyone who struggles with conflict resolution.
Lastly, the book teaches you how to respond to your partner’s emotions without feeling like you need to "fix" everything. By simply acknowledging their feelings and being present, you’ll create a deeper bond without the pressure to solve all their problems.
Overall, it’s an easy read with tons of practical advice to make communication in relationships smoother and more fulfilling.
October 2, 2023
Must read
I needed this a long time ago. I am in a new relationship now. So far we have been talking about things. And working with each other to make our relationship work. I read this book and I was surprised that what the book was saying, my new love was all ready to talking about. I do wish I could have talked to my ex husband about figuring things out. It makes a world of difference when you both want to help each other out. Not it being just one sided. I love this book. Thank you so much for this book
I hope others find it helpful as well as I had
I needed this a long time ago. I am in a new relationship now. So far we have been talking about things. And working with each other to make our relationship work. I read this book and I was surprised that what the book was saying, my new love was all ready to talking about. I do wish I could have talked to my ex husband about figuring things out. It makes a world of difference when you both want to help each other out. Not it being just one sided. I love this book. Thank you so much for this book
I hope others find it helpful as well as I had
August 8, 2025
I bought this cause it had good reviews but I was disappointed. I really struggled to finish it.
Felt like a friend was trying to give you advice; very basic without depth and not very professional writing. No references/citations to add to the credibility of his advice.
His own credentials aren’t clear. It says he’s a psychotherapist on the back of the book but it only lists a Masters of Arts as his credentials.
Asked for reviews at the end of the book which felt forced and awkward for a self help hook.
Felt like a friend was trying to give you advice; very basic without depth and not very professional writing. No references/citations to add to the credibility of his advice.
His own credentials aren’t clear. It says he’s a psychotherapist on the back of the book but it only lists a Masters of Arts as his credentials.
Asked for reviews at the end of the book which felt forced and awkward for a self help hook.
August 30, 2024
I came in expecting to learn some simple tips and got thought-provoking relationship and life advice. While this book was not what I expected or even wanted, there are some good ideas. It's just way more information than is necessary to be useful. I liked the easy tips on wording, but I don't agree with all the reasons behind them. Self-ownership is brought up a lot and unless you're already familiar with the concept, you may find it confusing and hard to wrap your brain around. Also, I don't think the author should be passing off what is essentially life advice as "communication techniques" when they are really just his opinions based on his experiences and not necessarily universal truths for everyone in relationships. I don't recommend this read if all you want is quick tangible tips.
June 5, 2025
Well written. Easy to understand and follow
The author clearly explains things in this book in a sometimes humorous way. Written in plain English, opposed to scientifically, I found the points in the book easy to grasp and hold onto. Not only that, the information is extremely helpful and pertains to not only intimate partnerships but other relationships with people. Its worth the read for everyone! I will be suggesting this book to family and friends.
The author clearly explains things in this book in a sometimes humorous way. Written in plain English, opposed to scientifically, I found the points in the book easy to grasp and hold onto. Not only that, the information is extremely helpful and pertains to not only intimate partnerships but other relationships with people. Its worth the read for everyone! I will be suggesting this book to family and friends.
February 12, 2023
Definitely worth a read and even something to reference back to because there’s just so much good info that enables healthy communication between you and your partner. I’ve already recommended this book to several friends. It’s already helped me in bettering my communication with my partner as well!
March 13, 2023
step by step and crystal clear help
If you are a practical person, this is the book you need. Everything well explained in a simple way with examples and easy to digest. It really opened my mind and the way to perceive communications issues. God bless this autor 🙌🏼
Happy I got this!
If you are a practical person, this is the book you need. Everything well explained in a simple way with examples and easy to digest. It really opened my mind and the way to perceive communications issues. God bless this autor 🙌🏼
Happy I got this!
March 25, 2023
wow everyone needs this
Everyone needs this book. I started reading this on my kindle unlimited and it was so simple yet so profound I asked my husband if he would read it. He doesn’t prefer ebooks so I ordered him a physical copy. Since starting reading we have both noticed our arguments end much faster than before. Plan on rereading this one!
Everyone needs this book. I started reading this on my kindle unlimited and it was so simple yet so profound I asked my husband if he would read it. He doesn’t prefer ebooks so I ordered him a physical copy. Since starting reading we have both noticed our arguments end much faster than before. Plan on rereading this one!
April 6, 2023
It's a good short book on advice for better communication with a romantic partner. If you've read stuff like this before, it doesn't have a ton of new ideas, but overall I like the perspective and what it chooses to focus it's advice on. Great book for anyone looking for information on communication, whether they are new to it or looking for a refresher.
May 4, 2023
This book is a 15/10 recommendation. Great for anyone who wants to learn how to properly communicate as we are not born knowing , nor do a lot of our parents and relatives know the proper tools. Great for a marriage, or any relationship with genuinely anyone in your life. Gives legitimate examples that are very relatable.
June 22, 2023
Eye-Opening
This book is a quick and easy read, bur most importantly really eye-opening for anyone who is open to learning about effective communication and maintaining a solid fulfilling relationship. I already started applying some of the principles to switch my perspective and I can see the difference. Looking forward to reading other books from this author.
This book is a quick and easy read, bur most importantly really eye-opening for anyone who is open to learning about effective communication and maintaining a solid fulfilling relationship. I already started applying some of the principles to switch my perspective and I can see the difference. Looking forward to reading other books from this author.
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