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Is It Love or Is It Addiction?
With more than 250,000 copies in print, Is It Love or Is It Addiction? has helped countless people find their way from the trials and confusions of addictive love to the fulfillment of whole and healthy relationships. In this second edition, psychotherapist Brenda Schaeffer draws on new developments in her practice, as well as a decade of feedback, to expand her original insights and advice. The result is a fresh perspective on intimacy and an invaluable practical guide to making relationships work. Brenda Schaeffer conducts workshops on addictive relationships. She is the author of Loving Me, Loving You.
193 pages, Paperback
First published April 30, 1989
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
August 7, 2015
Problems arise from the fear that originates in a violation of trust. Such violations make it difficult to be vulnerable to love again. In the wake of such violations we become guarded. The result is relationships that have more drama than intimacy.
Love is doing everything with a joyful heart and without trying to escape our pain.
what constitutes an addiction has more to do with how the object of addiction impacts a person's life than it does with the quantity of that object consumed or experienced.
we will define addiction as a habit that has gone unconscious; a compulsive ritual that is no longer a choice; a psychological or physical attachment to the object, often characterized by withdrawal, or intensity of symptoms, when the object is removed.
A key element of the unhealthy aspect of the relationship is how we feel when that person disapproves of us, disagrees with us, moves away from us, or threatens us.
Sometimes, we are not aware of what we need because we have learned to shut off the sensations and feelings of discomfort that identify our needs. Sometimes we feel discomfort, but fail to figure out what we need. Sometimes we feel and reason, but wait in a state of discomfort and fail to take action.
We must learn how to accept our relationships' limitations and not attempt to control them, for the need to control others is one of the greatest offenses of addictive love.
When men talk together, they reinforce that tradition. Men comment on whether my new date is "hot" and attractive. They rarely ask what her goals in life are and what she does for a living.
To deny oneself growth is personal abuse. Such denial often results in emotional or physical illness after stress builds up to a certain level. The reason for this is that we each have a certain amount of energy to be expressed in feelings, thoughts, and actions. Energy has to go somewhere. When it is suppressed or blocked, one of two things eventually happens. The energy will either be directed inward, in which case we will get sick physically or mentally, or it will explode outward and we will strike out at others.
Eric Berne's definition of intimacy as a "profound exchange of thoughts, feelings and actions in the here and now," expands our understanding of intimacy to potentially include all life experiences.
In addictive love real intimacy is almost nonexistent. That is because in true intimacy we are vulnerable and open to hurt and disappointment, as well as ecstasy.
But true caring about someone means, "I care about what you feel; I'm here to lend support although I do not have the power to make your pain go away or to help you feel complete in yourself."
Projection means shifting blame onto another, or perceiving a quality or characteristic in someone else that one denies or does not wish to claim in oneself.
When love is without power, we take care of others at our own expense. When power is without love, we hurt, injure, and abuse others ultimately at our own expense.
I had given the child a choice, and Heidi was startled. She had no cause for disappointment or a temper tantrum, because it was her choice. And she chose: she ran to pick up the toys herself, then returned for the one thing I had time for reading the story. Getting her to think and choose affirmed her personal power.
He later learned that his personal power did not come at another's expense. Our personal power comes from within; there is no need to win control over another. With self-confidence, we let go of the need for power and control.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. KAHLIL GIBRAN, The Prophet
"Boredom between two people . . . doesn't come from being together physically. It comes from being apart mentally and spiritually." - Richard Bach
In order to entrust ourselves to another, four qualities must be present: reliability, openness, acceptance, and congruence.
True love means being free to ask and to receive, as well as being willing to accept no for an answer at times. It can't be stressed enough that the ability to be honestto say "no" when one means nois essential in a relationship. In fact, one's "yes" cannot be trusted until one has also demonstrated the ability to say no.
she had made a common mistake: she thought if she asked in the right way, she'd get what she wanted. Although we often get what we want when we ask in a direct fashion, it is important to ask the right person at the right time, and even then accept that the person might not be in a position to help.
Healthy love is willing to let go, not of a partner, but the expectations. To be accepted by others, we should have an attitude of acceptance ourselves.
successful relationships are those in which people accept their limits and those of others.
"Now that I know I can survive pain and loss and I know the joys of openness, I choose to live openly and take risks with others. If my openness is too much by another's standards, so be itI will let go and know there are many others who desire to share my openness. I cannot be other than who I am. We all have the right to prefer one person over another and to economize our time spent with others. It's okay for someone to not want to be with me and choose another. I have many others I can be intimate with!"
The partners say, "I care what you feel and I'm here for you," but not, "Let me feel your pain for you."
Love is doing everything with a joyful heart and without trying to escape our pain.
what constitutes an addiction has more to do with how the object of addiction impacts a person's life than it does with the quantity of that object consumed or experienced.
we will define addiction as a habit that has gone unconscious; a compulsive ritual that is no longer a choice; a psychological or physical attachment to the object, often characterized by withdrawal, or intensity of symptoms, when the object is removed.
A key element of the unhealthy aspect of the relationship is how we feel when that person disapproves of us, disagrees with us, moves away from us, or threatens us.
Sometimes, we are not aware of what we need because we have learned to shut off the sensations and feelings of discomfort that identify our needs. Sometimes we feel discomfort, but fail to figure out what we need. Sometimes we feel and reason, but wait in a state of discomfort and fail to take action.
We must learn how to accept our relationships' limitations and not attempt to control them, for the need to control others is one of the greatest offenses of addictive love.
When men talk together, they reinforce that tradition. Men comment on whether my new date is "hot" and attractive. They rarely ask what her goals in life are and what she does for a living.
To deny oneself growth is personal abuse. Such denial often results in emotional or physical illness after stress builds up to a certain level. The reason for this is that we each have a certain amount of energy to be expressed in feelings, thoughts, and actions. Energy has to go somewhere. When it is suppressed or blocked, one of two things eventually happens. The energy will either be directed inward, in which case we will get sick physically or mentally, or it will explode outward and we will strike out at others.
Eric Berne's definition of intimacy as a "profound exchange of thoughts, feelings and actions in the here and now," expands our understanding of intimacy to potentially include all life experiences.
In addictive love real intimacy is almost nonexistent. That is because in true intimacy we are vulnerable and open to hurt and disappointment, as well as ecstasy.
But true caring about someone means, "I care about what you feel; I'm here to lend support although I do not have the power to make your pain go away or to help you feel complete in yourself."
Projection means shifting blame onto another, or perceiving a quality or characteristic in someone else that one denies or does not wish to claim in oneself.
When love is without power, we take care of others at our own expense. When power is without love, we hurt, injure, and abuse others ultimately at our own expense.
I had given the child a choice, and Heidi was startled. She had no cause for disappointment or a temper tantrum, because it was her choice. And she chose: she ran to pick up the toys herself, then returned for the one thing I had time for reading the story. Getting her to think and choose affirmed her personal power.
He later learned that his personal power did not come at another's expense. Our personal power comes from within; there is no need to win control over another. With self-confidence, we let go of the need for power and control.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. KAHLIL GIBRAN, The Prophet
"Boredom between two people . . . doesn't come from being together physically. It comes from being apart mentally and spiritually." - Richard Bach
In order to entrust ourselves to another, four qualities must be present: reliability, openness, acceptance, and congruence.
True love means being free to ask and to receive, as well as being willing to accept no for an answer at times. It can't be stressed enough that the ability to be honestto say "no" when one means nois essential in a relationship. In fact, one's "yes" cannot be trusted until one has also demonstrated the ability to say no.
she had made a common mistake: she thought if she asked in the right way, she'd get what she wanted. Although we often get what we want when we ask in a direct fashion, it is important to ask the right person at the right time, and even then accept that the person might not be in a position to help.
Healthy love is willing to let go, not of a partner, but the expectations. To be accepted by others, we should have an attitude of acceptance ourselves.
successful relationships are those in which people accept their limits and those of others.
"Now that I know I can survive pain and loss and I know the joys of openness, I choose to live openly and take risks with others. If my openness is too much by another's standards, so be itI will let go and know there are many others who desire to share my openness. I cannot be other than who I am. We all have the right to prefer one person over another and to economize our time spent with others. It's okay for someone to not want to be with me and choose another. I have many others I can be intimate with!"
The partners say, "I care what you feel and I'm here for you," but not, "Let me feel your pain for you."
August 18, 2017
I think the title of the book is a bit too dramatic. It's a good book about relationships and unhealthy relationships. While this book focuses on couples, a lot of advice applies to friendships and family. At least in my case. Sometimes it was hard to read, but that just means it was working on me.
January 31, 2013
Whew! This is good. And scary. Wish I'd read this when I was 19 and in college. Since I'm now 32 and married for 10 years it's a little harder to take in but still extremely important. Stuff I needed to hear. Lots of work ahead but yes, knowledge is power! The truth shall set us free.
April 26, 2025
Gollllyyyyy this book hit hard.
February 2, 2018
En sevdigim iki yazar Erich Fromm ve Victor Frankl'dan alıntılarla döşenmiş sevgiye, ilişlilere, sağlıklı bir şekilde sevmeye ve aşk-romantizm ve seks bağımlılığına ve çözümlerine dair dolu dolu enfes bir kitap. Psikoloji alanından olsun olmasın herkes rahatlıkla okuyabilir, terimlere boğmamış. Terim kullandığı zaman da açıklamalarıyla okuyucuya sunmuş.
October 29, 2007
This book tells you the difference between true love and addicted love. True love has healthy tendencies and both partners allow themselves be vunerable to each other. Addicted love is more like a drug, where you NEED it. It's that negative comsuming feeling you get when you're in an unhealthy relationship yet, you can't get enough of it even though it is unhealthy.
February 19, 2019
Changed my life. Wish I had read this when I was 21.
August 11, 2015
Excellent book about what healthy love vs. unhealthy love looks like. The first few chapters are a little complicated but the rest is great. She has some wonderful exercises in the last section. Good for anyone who tends to pick the wrong partners, especially if this is a pattern.
July 30, 2017
Breathtaking relationship study. You think you love a person, but no, you're an addict. Jealousy, longing, hidden anxiety and fear to lose someone - just a few clues you're ill, seriously ill. A chance to examine your personal life, if you have guts. Or live miserably, as before. Your choice.
April 1, 2010
Kind of a crazy title, but it does a good job. My favorite idea is that people have favorite bad feelings - we can be addicted to feelings of rage, or sadness, or fear.
November 20, 2014
Hack analyst contributes nothing to poorly-defined field.
June 20, 2016
shocking..but liberating
February 1, 2022
I listened to the book published in 2021.
January 9, 2025
I am wondering if it would be an exaggeration to say that this book hit home in quite a literal sense. The last chapter offers exercises for 'self-therapy' and the author does recommend professional help if doing them ourselves appears difficult. Even though I haven't gone through the exercises yet, I am convinced after reading the other nine chapters that this is by far the best book I have read that has told me that there is hope towards change. That one need not pity oneself forever and be doomed to their circumstances, that the power lies within themselves to let go of addictive behaviours.
I found that the situations described in this book apply not only to 'love' relationships but also to friendships and familial relationships both of which I have experienced are taken for granted and people often don't even realise are troubled. Which is what makes this book for everyone irrespective of whether or not they think they might be in such a situation. It can be a difficult book to read for people who are beginning to think, "What's wrong with me?" but for people who have already made peace with the fact that indeed "there's a lot wrong with me" and already found out the 'why', it's a pretty straightforward read and will feel like hope.
For somebody who has sought answers forever, making sense of what's 'belonging', what does 'love' really mean, what is the purpose of life, whether letting go is in fact only a euphemism for failure, this book has clearly thrown the answers at my face.
I found that the situations described in this book apply not only to 'love' relationships but also to friendships and familial relationships both of which I have experienced are taken for granted and people often don't even realise are troubled. Which is what makes this book for everyone irrespective of whether or not they think they might be in such a situation. It can be a difficult book to read for people who are beginning to think, "What's wrong with me?" but for people who have already made peace with the fact that indeed "there's a lot wrong with me" and already found out the 'why', it's a pretty straightforward read and will feel like hope.
For somebody who has sought answers forever, making sense of what's 'belonging', what does 'love' really mean, what is the purpose of life, whether letting go is in fact only a euphemism for failure, this book has clearly thrown the answers at my face.
February 20, 2025
I found this book to be very informative. Schaeffer not only discusses the concept of love addiction, but also romance addiction and sex addiction. Unlike a lot of other books on the same topic, I think this book does a great job at illustrating not only what an unhealthy relationship looks like, but also what a healthy one should entail. After all, what's the point of telling someone who is completely clueless that they're doing it wrong if you won't guide them in the right direction or demonstrate how to do it more effectively?
She closes out the book by providing practical steps in working towards healthy relationships. She emphasises the most important relationship which is the relationship with the self, which some may find cliche and will probably disappoint those who are looking for a quick fix. BUt of course there is no quick fix when it comes to self improvement and progression.
She closes out the book by providing practical steps in working towards healthy relationships. She emphasises the most important relationship which is the relationship with the self, which some may find cliche and will probably disappoint those who are looking for a quick fix. BUt of course there is no quick fix when it comes to self improvement and progression.
June 2, 2024
Knyga parašyta labai chaotišku stiliumi. Sakyčiau masinis įvairiausių teorijų kratinys, kurios tarpusavy menkai susietos, viskas gvildenama labai paviršium.
January 4, 2018
Good book .
This book tells you difference between love & addiction .. and also tells you true love & addiction love .
Finally a nice book for good relationship
This book tells you difference between love & addiction .. and also tells you true love & addiction love .
Finally a nice book for good relationship
April 29, 2017
Is It Addiction Or Is It Primal Panic?
The author uses the addiction paradigm & readers are encouraged to define themselves as addicts.A drive for re-connection and reassurance can appear to bystanders to be crazy & it may well resemble addiction however it is not necessarily due to any 'addictive tendencies' in the woman.What she feels is not love but nor is it an addiction,it is an obsessive attachment.
Certain chemicals and hormones get produced in attachment relationships & upon a termination of an attachment relationship other chemicals flood the nervous system which induce anxiety affecting & altering a person's thinking patterns. When an individual perceives a threat to trust, safety, and belonging, their system of attachment gets activated and triggered and they perceive being separated from a loved one as a life threatening danger.If they fail to get adequate reassurance, the body produces excessive hormones that increase anxiety-which is known as primal panic. Once an individual is overly saturated with anxiety and primal panic, they become preoccupied with "how can I connect emotionally,how can I get back together with my loved one?"
If someone is living with an unresolved (un-integrated) attachment injury trauma, their physiological capacity to come back into equilibrium is usually delayed. Someone with a history of secure attachment is able to return to an equilibrium relatively quickly. The addictive obsessive type behaviours of chasing, obsessive texting, begging, or stalking are not always a result of disordered thinking or a character defect due to an addictive process,they are often the result of suffering and subsequently living with an early years attachment trauma that has unfortunately left the person with an overactive unregulated nervous system.The abandoned or rejected person is most often in a state of severe emotional pain/trauma.This helpless infant state they have become so identified with is below their conscious level of awareness.The person is in a state of regression...having blocked out the adult logical part of their personality they are feeling and thinking as if they are an actual child.
Often in these situations there is a buried underlying grief that is going unacknowledged.The ex-partner is nothing more than a placeholder (or object) that the person is projecting onto. They project onto the ex-partner their history of unmet need,unrequited love and unresolved childhood grief of being ignored, neglected, abandoned and betrayed.The person is psychologically confused,they believe the constant stream of intrusive thoughts and feelings about the ex-partner are about that ex-partner but there is a lot more going on than longing for an ex-partner. Identifying yourself as an addict is not that helpful because it means you have to buy into disease theory - it will make you feel powerless.
The author uses the addiction paradigm & readers are encouraged to define themselves as addicts.A drive for re-connection and reassurance can appear to bystanders to be crazy & it may well resemble addiction however it is not necessarily due to any 'addictive tendencies' in the woman.What she feels is not love but nor is it an addiction,it is an obsessive attachment.
Certain chemicals and hormones get produced in attachment relationships & upon a termination of an attachment relationship other chemicals flood the nervous system which induce anxiety affecting & altering a person's thinking patterns. When an individual perceives a threat to trust, safety, and belonging, their system of attachment gets activated and triggered and they perceive being separated from a loved one as a life threatening danger.If they fail to get adequate reassurance, the body produces excessive hormones that increase anxiety-which is known as primal panic. Once an individual is overly saturated with anxiety and primal panic, they become preoccupied with "how can I connect emotionally,how can I get back together with my loved one?"
If someone is living with an unresolved (un-integrated) attachment injury trauma, their physiological capacity to come back into equilibrium is usually delayed. Someone with a history of secure attachment is able to return to an equilibrium relatively quickly. The addictive obsessive type behaviours of chasing, obsessive texting, begging, or stalking are not always a result of disordered thinking or a character defect due to an addictive process,they are often the result of suffering and subsequently living with an early years attachment trauma that has unfortunately left the person with an overactive unregulated nervous system.The abandoned or rejected person is most often in a state of severe emotional pain/trauma.This helpless infant state they have become so identified with is below their conscious level of awareness.The person is in a state of regression...having blocked out the adult logical part of their personality they are feeling and thinking as if they are an actual child.
Often in these situations there is a buried underlying grief that is going unacknowledged.The ex-partner is nothing more than a placeholder (or object) that the person is projecting onto. They project onto the ex-partner their history of unmet need,unrequited love and unresolved childhood grief of being ignored, neglected, abandoned and betrayed.The person is psychologically confused,they believe the constant stream of intrusive thoughts and feelings about the ex-partner are about that ex-partner but there is a lot more going on than longing for an ex-partner. Identifying yourself as an addict is not that helpful because it means you have to buy into disease theory - it will make you feel powerless.
July 30, 2017
It has been so long since i have read a book that amazed me as much as this book did!
In the first chapters, it has been explained the role of biology, culture, family, and technology in love relationship, and how these roles affect our attitude about sex,love and romance..
What's really interesting in this part is the impact of technology since the cyber love relationship became highly charged and addictive. Also, how our childhood life affects our understanding and behavior about love.
In the next chapters it has been defined love, romance and sex addiction and what are the signs of each one.
In simple words, love, romance and sex addition led to unhealthy relationship which is what is called addictive love.
it has been explained why we suffer and get depressed among the relationship, why we face difficulties in moving on after breaking up and how our illusion and romantic expectation can destroy us.
In last chapters where's the way out from addictive/unhealthy relationship by explaining the healthy belonging.
This book is one of the books that everyone must read!
In the first chapters, it has been explained the role of biology, culture, family, and technology in love relationship, and how these roles affect our attitude about sex,love and romance..
What's really interesting in this part is the impact of technology since the cyber love relationship became highly charged and addictive. Also, how our childhood life affects our understanding and behavior about love.
In the next chapters it has been defined love, romance and sex addiction and what are the signs of each one.
In simple words, love, romance and sex addition led to unhealthy relationship which is what is called addictive love.
it has been explained why we suffer and get depressed among the relationship, why we face difficulties in moving on after breaking up and how our illusion and romantic expectation can destroy us.
In last chapters where's the way out from addictive/unhealthy relationship by explaining the healthy belonging.
This book is one of the books that everyone must read!
April 30, 2017
I must say that I was expecting a bit more from this book after reading reviews of people that book changed or had a huge impact on their lives. The point of the book is that it all comes from the childhood - there is no magical switch which converts the person to the adult. So a lot of people are living with problems they developed as children unless they start to question themselves and understand who they really are in order to defy their inner demons and insecurities. That's where everybody should start.
Love is not about committing to a single person, it is all about committing to the process of being with someone and becoming the best of yourself.
Love is not about committing to a single person, it is all about committing to the process of being with someone and becoming the best of yourself.
August 15, 2021
Seniai beskaičiau taip prastai ir chaotiškai parašytą “psichologinę” knygą. Kažkoks nesuprantamas įvairiausių teorijų, pseudoteorijų ir coelhiškų idėjų kratinys. Ir net nesuprantu, ar čia autorės negebėjimas aiškiai reikšti mintis žodžiais (kaip priešingybę tokiam negebėjimui galėčiau įvardinti “Pykčio šokį”), ar iš tikro jokios gilesnės idėjos po tuo žodžių kratiniu ir nėra…
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March 8, 2023I'm not sure if I should be more ashamed about this. But it was helpful in the way that someone slapping you across the face and crying, 'Snap out of it!' like in Hollywood films is helpful (in those films). Not so much the diagrams.
October 10, 2013
Good...
It' s include Sad but true stories.Especially between child and their parents, husband and wife stories..This should be required reading for high school and child preparation classes...
Thank you Mrs. Brenda Schaeffer
It' s include Sad but true stories.Especially between child and their parents, husband and wife stories..This should be required reading for high school and child preparation classes...
Thank you Mrs. Brenda Schaeffer
May 7, 2014
This book totally opened my eyes to things i personally do/ have done. With the understanding of behaviour patterns this book has helped me identify I'm now equipped to change those behaviours that were not positive. Thanks for a great and insightful read!!
April 14, 2013
Excellent look at the qualities of addictive love and insight into the core beliefs that drive love addiction.
May 15, 2013
الكتاب أكتر من رائع
أفضل جزء هم اخر ٣٠ صفحة تحديداً
عجبتني جدا جملة في اخر كام صفحة من الكتاب:
He who has a why to live can bear any how. Friedrich Nietzche :)
So true :))
أفضل جزء هم اخر ٣٠ صفحة تحديداً
عجبتني جدا جملة في اخر كام صفحة من الكتاب:
He who has a why to live can bear any how. Friedrich Nietzche :)
So true :))
February 7, 2017
Knyga, padėjusi man asmeniškai.
(Platesnė apžvalga - vasario mėnesį, http://danieliusg.lt)
(Platesnė apžvalga - vasario mėnesį, http://danieliusg.lt)
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January 19, 2020Knyga skirta visiems, kurie nori išmokto pamilti save ir kitus brandžiai ir išsivaduoti iš emocines priklausomybės ir kartais net iš artimo smurto rato.
December 15, 2024
My favourite book about this topic is Women who love too much by Robin Norwood because it touched me deeply after a hurtful breakup and made me notice the roots of "why" I was "loving" too much.
In Is it love or is it addiction the topic is addressed in a similar way, with other people's experiences but what was different in this book is the orientation to pass form addictive love to mature love and exercises at the end to practice alone or with the partner.
Good book but I think I read it after I had worked on my addictive love behaviour through other titles and therapy, and the book didn't touch me as it could have done when I was living it. Good thing I noticed is that I have worked hard on this and I feel more identified with the story of the couple who learned to be more independent rather on the ones that were still living the addictive love.
In Is it love or is it addiction the topic is addressed in a similar way, with other people's experiences but what was different in this book is the orientation to pass form addictive love to mature love and exercises at the end to practice alone or with the partner.
Good book but I think I read it after I had worked on my addictive love behaviour through other titles and therapy, and the book didn't touch me as it could have done when I was living it. Good thing I noticed is that I have worked hard on this and I feel more identified with the story of the couple who learned to be more independent rather on the ones that were still living the addictive love.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews