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Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids
Discipline is an essential part of raising happy and successful kids, but as more and more parents are discovering, conventional approaches often don't work, and can even lead to more frustration, resentment, power struggles, and shame. Enter Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a popular parenting expert who believes there's a better way. Citing the latest research in child development, psychology and neuroscience, Gentle Discipline debunks common myths about punishments, rewards, the naughty chair, and more, and presents practical, connection-based techniques that really work--and that bring parents and kids closer together instead of driving them apart. Topics include: Setting-and enforcing-boundaries and limits with compassion and respect Focusing on connection and positivity instead of negative consequences Working with teachers and other caregivers Breaking the cycle of shaming and blaming Filled with ideas to try today, Gentle Discipline helps parents of toddlers as well as school-age kids embrace a new, more enlightened way to help kids listen, learn, and grow.
1 pages, Audio CD
First published January 1, 2017
770 people are currently reading
3575 people want to read
About the author
Sarah Ockwell-Smith
84 books229 followersBorn in Bedfordshire, England in 1976, Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a mother of four school aged children, three boys and one girl.
After graduating with an honors degree in Psychology, specialising in child development, she embarked on a five year career in Pharmaceutical Research and Development, working with clinical trial data, until she became pregnant with her first child in 2001. After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.
Sarah now works as a parenting author, writer and coach. With a particular interest in child sleep.
After graduating with an honors degree in Psychology, specialising in child development, she embarked on a five year career in Pharmaceutical Research and Development, working with clinical trial data, until she became pregnant with her first child in 2001. After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.
Sarah now works as a parenting author, writer and coach. With a particular interest in child sleep.
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June 29, 2017
This book is so hard in line with everything I've read, feel and am. I'm not usually one for parenting books, but reading this has fundamentally changed my relationship with my son in a positive way that is really healthy and happy for both of us. I really liked the way you wrote this book, Sarah!
Some bits I liked:
pg. 11 If you have told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.
pg. 14 Children would probably prefer that they didn't misbehave just as much as parents do...the secret to emotional intelligence is knowing that all emotions are OK; it is how we manage them that matters
pg. 23 Screens have no place in your child's bedroom, or even in the hour or two leading to bedtime.
pg. 24 In fact, their behaviour shows what a great job the parents are doing, by making their child feel secure and supported enough to be able to show their true emotions (when children act well at school and 'bad' at home).
pg. 27 All behaviour is communication.
pg. 31 One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to nurture - and repair, when necessary - the bond you have with your child.
pg. 32 Play is not a waste of time or something to be done when 'the important stuff' is complete. It is the important stuff.
pg. 44 By praising an innate ability you may accidentally push your child into a more fixed mindset. To foster a growth mindset you should only praise either something that can be changed or your child's effort.
pg. 55 So, for their brains to develop to their full potential, children need an environment of support, a variety of enriching experiences and love.
pg. 56 The very last section of the brain to mature, during the teenage years and early twenties, is the prefrontal cortex, which controls judgement, impulse control and emotion regulation. Until this section of the brain is well connected, it is reasonable to expect the child, or indeed teenager, to lack judgement and self-control.
pg. 62 We should not expect a child to share until they have reached school age...Any punishment displays a lack of empathy from the adult's perspective and often a lack of understanding of normal child development.
pg. 63 And...teenagers' brains have the engine of a sports car, but the brakes of a mini. (my notes: be empathic, they learn it from you, empathetic behaviour is understanding what the child can do)
pg. 75 research that looked at the behaviour of 160,000 children suggests that physical punishment increases aggression, antisocial behaviour, cognitive difficulties and mental-health problems. It is also found that children who were smacked or spanked were most likely to defy their parents.
pg. 77 No real learning takes place when children are disciplined using rewards; the child is simply complying because they want what is on offer.
pg. 79 Distraction can be one of the most damaging discipline tools if used too often. It prevents children from feeling, expressing and therefore, managing emotions and, most importantly, it does not teach them anything useful for the future.
pg. 83 'I love your cat. It looks so happy!' - example of what to say, don't use 'well done', be specific.
Praising a child simply for achievement on the other hand develops a fixed mindset
'You got an excellent score on that piece of work. What do you think you did really well this time?' (good way of phrasing this)
SPORTS CAST MY CHILD'S ACTIONS - ASK QUESTIONS
Pg. 84 'You're so handsome', 'You're so clever' and 'my gorgeous girl' can all have potentially negative effects.
Pg. 85 GOOD EXAMPLE: 'I watched you pick up all of the toys and put them in the toy box; it's lovely and tidy in here now, isn't it? That will give us much more room to play a game together later.' This type of praise makes he child feel recognised and validated.
pg. 93 Once they are three years old, however, natural consequences can be used to help them to learn, but only in situations where the risk is age-appropriate and safe. Withholding food from children is not an appropriate natural consequence - it is punishment.
pg. 98 you are your child's main teacher; never underestimate your own importance and the effect you can have on your child over and above any teacher.
pg. 113 It (when a child is violent) often happens when a child feels vulnerable, anxious or out of control. They don't mean to be violent - they simply cannot control their reactions.
pg. 114 Children need our attention as much as they need air to breathe.
THE BIG MESSAGE: -WHY is the child behaving this way? Has something triggered the behaviour? Is it developmentally normal?
-HOW is the child feeling? Are they acting this way because they are feeling bad?
-WHAT do you hope to teach the child when you discipline them?
pg. 117 Calmly and firmly tell your child that their behaviour is not acceptable. SAY 'I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THAT'
pg 121 'STOP - I WON'T LET YOU BITE.' 'I WILL NOT LET YOU KICK/HIT'. 'I WILL NOT LET YOU KICK/PUNCH THAT'.
Pg. 124 'Stop! Hold on to that please.' By telling them what you want them to do, rather than shouting, 'No, don't throw', you are making it far more likely that they will listen and respond because you are focusing on the positive, rather that a vague or negative instruction...'You can't throw the ornament, but we can go outside and throw your ball if you want?'
Pg. 126 Giving him as much attention as possible when he is calm is the way forward here.
Pg. 127 'Stop. I won't let you hit your sister'.
Pg. 128 It's okay (children) have big feelings and it's OK that (they) express them.
Pg. 130 'I won't let you hit - it hurts' (You can't BLANK but you can BLANK, I won't let you BLANK)
-connect and when they are stressed, it's fight or flight.
(Pg. 132 Each minute that I sulked, however, I would silently beg for my parents to come and see if I was OK)
Pg. 133 Sulking really doesn't feel good for the sulker.
Pg. 136 Conventional wisdom says to ignore them while they sulk or pay no attention to them when they whine. This is outdated advice, however, and is the worst thing you can do. Ignoring a child who is whining or sulking because they feel disconnected highlights the face that you are not listening to them and increases their perceived lack of control over their life. (My notes - sulking/whining equals need attention)
pg. 137(My notes - listen to your child) Connection almost always comes at the top of my list of recommendations for helping with undesirable behaviours. Listening intently to what your child is saying or asking of you really helps to make them feel validated. (my notes - give them autonomy when you can)
pg. 140-1 If children become too 'full up' with uncomfortable feelings, they may explode or become grumpy, irritable and whiny.
pg 143 'What is your child trying to tell you?' - My notes: give children choice and control - so much isn't their choice and control
pg 147 - graph about effective positive commands - walk please, hands by your side, gentle hands, stay with me and hold my hand, kind hands, food on the plate, quiet voice, still and calm, draw on the paper and hold the ball still in your hand, please.
pg. 154 explain how sleep heals the body and the mind and helps them to have energy for the next day, as well as an explanation of what happens when they don't get enough sleep. (my notes - explain so they understand explain explain explain)
pg. 157 what do you want your child to learn from your discipline?
pg. 158 most school-age children aren't particularly organised due to an immature frontal cortex.
pg. 160 Limit screen time - children have a lack of impulse control. (my notes always ask the why is the behaviour there, how does the child feel)
my notes pg 170 don't dismiss feelings ACCEPT FEELINGS
Pg. 171 Agreeing with you almost means admitting that they themselves were wrong and that's something that they - like many of us - find difficult.
Pg. 172 It is also a good idea to talk with them about how it's OK to be wrong - everybody is sometimes, even you.
(My notes - alea iacta est - the die is cast/future is predetermined)
Pg. 174 Are they using rudeness and backchat as a protection mechanism for some big, uncomfortable feelings that they don't want to experience?
Pg. 177-8 REMEMBER YOU ARE MODELLING ALL OF THE TIME
Pg. 178 However, children often work hard to keep it all together at school and then finally let everything out when they get home.
Pg. 180 Empathy and listening, reconnection with you (without her sister around) and giving her more control should generate a big change in her behaviour...Understanding that these behaviours are developmentally normal can go a long way towards reducing these feelings. Uncovering the underlying emotions and working with them using gentle discipline methods may not stop the behaviour completely but, in time, you should notice a significant reduction.
Pg. 184 (My notes, don't compare :( ) If you want to protect the sibling relationship, steer well clear of comparing your children, particularly in their presence. (my notes - be label free)
Pg. 187 First and foremost, ensure that each child gets as much individual attention from you as possible. You cannot move on to anything else until this is addressed...a child who seeks attention is a child who needs attention.
My notes: The message again and again - children are held to standards - adults don't hold themselves to!
Pg. 200 Empathy, as we learned right at the beginning of this book, is one of the last social skills to develop in children.
Pg. 222 why is your child struggling with self-esteem? How are they feeling? And what do you want to achieve in terms of changing their thoughts and beliefs through gentle-discipline methods?
Pg. 230 Say things like: tying my shoelaces is tricky, but I'm learning how to do it. Right now, I don't do well in sports, but I know if I practise hard, I will get much better. I struggle with making friends at the moment, but I'm working on being more confident and introducing myself to others and asking them to play. I'm really struggling with my maths homework, but I'm not going to give up. I know if I really concentrate and ask for help, I can do it. Climbing isn't something I'm good at right now, but I bet the other children weren't good to start with. I can get better at it, just as they did.
Pg. 231 Affirmations for little ones: each day, in every way, I am becoming more confident. I accept myself just as I am; I am more than enough. I can do anything I want to do so long as I believe that I can. I am me; it is good to be me. I trust that I can achieve whatever I want. My confidence is growing every day.
Pg. 238 (I've said this) And, as children get older, it doesn't get easier - it just changes.
Pg. 241 Make sure you let them know how much you value their concern though and thank them for their thoughtfulness (what to do when you get 'helpful' advice)
My notes - use I statements when you want to communicate, I.e. not you're a blank, but I feel blank when you...
Pg. 251 It's not my child's job to help me grow.
Pg. 252 Telling myself that he is not giving me a hard time, but he is having a hard time, sometimes helps
My notes - there is a reason for unhappy behaviour!
Pg. 258 Why is the child behaving this way? Has something triggered their behaviour? Is it developmentally normal? How is the child feeling? Are they acting this way because they are feeling bad? What do you hope to teach the child when you discipline them?
Some bits I liked:
pg. 11 If you have told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.
pg. 14 Children would probably prefer that they didn't misbehave just as much as parents do...the secret to emotional intelligence is knowing that all emotions are OK; it is how we manage them that matters
pg. 23 Screens have no place in your child's bedroom, or even in the hour or two leading to bedtime.
pg. 24 In fact, their behaviour shows what a great job the parents are doing, by making their child feel secure and supported enough to be able to show their true emotions (when children act well at school and 'bad' at home).
pg. 27 All behaviour is communication.
pg. 31 One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to nurture - and repair, when necessary - the bond you have with your child.
pg. 32 Play is not a waste of time or something to be done when 'the important stuff' is complete. It is the important stuff.
pg. 44 By praising an innate ability you may accidentally push your child into a more fixed mindset. To foster a growth mindset you should only praise either something that can be changed or your child's effort.
pg. 55 So, for their brains to develop to their full potential, children need an environment of support, a variety of enriching experiences and love.
pg. 56 The very last section of the brain to mature, during the teenage years and early twenties, is the prefrontal cortex, which controls judgement, impulse control and emotion regulation. Until this section of the brain is well connected, it is reasonable to expect the child, or indeed teenager, to lack judgement and self-control.
pg. 62 We should not expect a child to share until they have reached school age...Any punishment displays a lack of empathy from the adult's perspective and often a lack of understanding of normal child development.
pg. 63 And...teenagers' brains have the engine of a sports car, but the brakes of a mini. (my notes: be empathic, they learn it from you, empathetic behaviour is understanding what the child can do)
pg. 75 research that looked at the behaviour of 160,000 children suggests that physical punishment increases aggression, antisocial behaviour, cognitive difficulties and mental-health problems. It is also found that children who were smacked or spanked were most likely to defy their parents.
pg. 77 No real learning takes place when children are disciplined using rewards; the child is simply complying because they want what is on offer.
pg. 79 Distraction can be one of the most damaging discipline tools if used too often. It prevents children from feeling, expressing and therefore, managing emotions and, most importantly, it does not teach them anything useful for the future.
pg. 83 'I love your cat. It looks so happy!' - example of what to say, don't use 'well done', be specific.
Praising a child simply for achievement on the other hand develops a fixed mindset
'You got an excellent score on that piece of work. What do you think you did really well this time?' (good way of phrasing this)
SPORTS CAST MY CHILD'S ACTIONS - ASK QUESTIONS
Pg. 84 'You're so handsome', 'You're so clever' and 'my gorgeous girl' can all have potentially negative effects.
Pg. 85 GOOD EXAMPLE: 'I watched you pick up all of the toys and put them in the toy box; it's lovely and tidy in here now, isn't it? That will give us much more room to play a game together later.' This type of praise makes he child feel recognised and validated.
pg. 93 Once they are three years old, however, natural consequences can be used to help them to learn, but only in situations where the risk is age-appropriate and safe. Withholding food from children is not an appropriate natural consequence - it is punishment.
pg. 98 you are your child's main teacher; never underestimate your own importance and the effect you can have on your child over and above any teacher.
pg. 113 It (when a child is violent) often happens when a child feels vulnerable, anxious or out of control. They don't mean to be violent - they simply cannot control their reactions.
pg. 114 Children need our attention as much as they need air to breathe.
THE BIG MESSAGE: -WHY is the child behaving this way? Has something triggered the behaviour? Is it developmentally normal?
-HOW is the child feeling? Are they acting this way because they are feeling bad?
-WHAT do you hope to teach the child when you discipline them?
pg. 117 Calmly and firmly tell your child that their behaviour is not acceptable. SAY 'I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THAT'
pg 121 'STOP - I WON'T LET YOU BITE.' 'I WILL NOT LET YOU KICK/HIT'. 'I WILL NOT LET YOU KICK/PUNCH THAT'.
Pg. 124 'Stop! Hold on to that please.' By telling them what you want them to do, rather than shouting, 'No, don't throw', you are making it far more likely that they will listen and respond because you are focusing on the positive, rather that a vague or negative instruction...'You can't throw the ornament, but we can go outside and throw your ball if you want?'
Pg. 126 Giving him as much attention as possible when he is calm is the way forward here.
Pg. 127 'Stop. I won't let you hit your sister'.
Pg. 128 It's okay (children) have big feelings and it's OK that (they) express them.
Pg. 130 'I won't let you hit - it hurts' (You can't BLANK but you can BLANK, I won't let you BLANK)
-connect and when they are stressed, it's fight or flight.
(Pg. 132 Each minute that I sulked, however, I would silently beg for my parents to come and see if I was OK)
Pg. 133 Sulking really doesn't feel good for the sulker.
Pg. 136 Conventional wisdom says to ignore them while they sulk or pay no attention to them when they whine. This is outdated advice, however, and is the worst thing you can do. Ignoring a child who is whining or sulking because they feel disconnected highlights the face that you are not listening to them and increases their perceived lack of control over their life. (My notes - sulking/whining equals need attention)
pg. 137(My notes - listen to your child) Connection almost always comes at the top of my list of recommendations for helping with undesirable behaviours. Listening intently to what your child is saying or asking of you really helps to make them feel validated. (my notes - give them autonomy when you can)
pg. 140-1 If children become too 'full up' with uncomfortable feelings, they may explode or become grumpy, irritable and whiny.
pg 143 'What is your child trying to tell you?' - My notes: give children choice and control - so much isn't their choice and control
pg 147 - graph about effective positive commands - walk please, hands by your side, gentle hands, stay with me and hold my hand, kind hands, food on the plate, quiet voice, still and calm, draw on the paper and hold the ball still in your hand, please.
pg. 154 explain how sleep heals the body and the mind and helps them to have energy for the next day, as well as an explanation of what happens when they don't get enough sleep. (my notes - explain so they understand explain explain explain)
pg. 157 what do you want your child to learn from your discipline?
pg. 158 most school-age children aren't particularly organised due to an immature frontal cortex.
pg. 160 Limit screen time - children have a lack of impulse control. (my notes always ask the why is the behaviour there, how does the child feel)
my notes pg 170 don't dismiss feelings ACCEPT FEELINGS
Pg. 171 Agreeing with you almost means admitting that they themselves were wrong and that's something that they - like many of us - find difficult.
Pg. 172 It is also a good idea to talk with them about how it's OK to be wrong - everybody is sometimes, even you.
(My notes - alea iacta est - the die is cast/future is predetermined)
Pg. 174 Are they using rudeness and backchat as a protection mechanism for some big, uncomfortable feelings that they don't want to experience?
Pg. 177-8 REMEMBER YOU ARE MODELLING ALL OF THE TIME
Pg. 178 However, children often work hard to keep it all together at school and then finally let everything out when they get home.
Pg. 180 Empathy and listening, reconnection with you (without her sister around) and giving her more control should generate a big change in her behaviour...Understanding that these behaviours are developmentally normal can go a long way towards reducing these feelings. Uncovering the underlying emotions and working with them using gentle discipline methods may not stop the behaviour completely but, in time, you should notice a significant reduction.
Pg. 184 (My notes, don't compare :( ) If you want to protect the sibling relationship, steer well clear of comparing your children, particularly in their presence. (my notes - be label free)
Pg. 187 First and foremost, ensure that each child gets as much individual attention from you as possible. You cannot move on to anything else until this is addressed...a child who seeks attention is a child who needs attention.
My notes: The message again and again - children are held to standards - adults don't hold themselves to!
Pg. 200 Empathy, as we learned right at the beginning of this book, is one of the last social skills to develop in children.
Pg. 222 why is your child struggling with self-esteem? How are they feeling? And what do you want to achieve in terms of changing their thoughts and beliefs through gentle-discipline methods?
Pg. 230 Say things like: tying my shoelaces is tricky, but I'm learning how to do it. Right now, I don't do well in sports, but I know if I practise hard, I will get much better. I struggle with making friends at the moment, but I'm working on being more confident and introducing myself to others and asking them to play. I'm really struggling with my maths homework, but I'm not going to give up. I know if I really concentrate and ask for help, I can do it. Climbing isn't something I'm good at right now, but I bet the other children weren't good to start with. I can get better at it, just as they did.
Pg. 231 Affirmations for little ones: each day, in every way, I am becoming more confident. I accept myself just as I am; I am more than enough. I can do anything I want to do so long as I believe that I can. I am me; it is good to be me. I trust that I can achieve whatever I want. My confidence is growing every day.
Pg. 238 (I've said this) And, as children get older, it doesn't get easier - it just changes.
Pg. 241 Make sure you let them know how much you value their concern though and thank them for their thoughtfulness (what to do when you get 'helpful' advice)
My notes - use I statements when you want to communicate, I.e. not you're a blank, but I feel blank when you...
Pg. 251 It's not my child's job to help me grow.
Pg. 252 Telling myself that he is not giving me a hard time, but he is having a hard time, sometimes helps
My notes - there is a reason for unhappy behaviour!
Pg. 258 Why is the child behaving this way? Has something triggered their behaviour? Is it developmentally normal? How is the child feeling? Are they acting this way because they are feeling bad? What do you hope to teach the child when you discipline them?
January 13, 2018
I came across this on audiobook and decided I would read it on my commute because, let's face it, every parent can benefit from new ideas on child discipline. The book is a mixed bag. She has a lot to say about how a child's mind works, and I don't doubt her knowledge on this subject. She also has some useful ideas on how to respond to children. But like so many childhood discipline books, when it comes to examples of specific disciplinary actions in specific scenarios, she takes the easy route of setting up these simple, strawman behaviors then shows how easy it is to address them. On the hard issues, she falls back to explaining why the child is behaving that way and too often avoids offering tangible suggestions on how to address the behavior real-time. Ultimately, I appreciated her insights on child psychology, but I didn't find much value in using this as a framework for raising children.
January 19, 2025
Gentle parenting has been in the culture a lot recently, with mostly negative or gently critical coverage. And whenever someone posts such an article or reel to a mom group, there are two kinds of women who go up and down the threads telling everyone they don't know what gentle parenting really is.
The first type claims that gentle parenting just means not spanking your kids or using negative language and coercive methods.
The second type claims that gentle parenting is only the methods espoused in this book, and therefore if you don't even know who Sarah Ockwell-Smith is, you shouldn't be writing anything about gentle parenting.
It is the second type of mom who got me to read this book.
For the record, I have read a vast spectrum of parenting books, many of which fall under “respectful parenting” or “gentle parenting.” And like many of the discouraged millennials writing critical articles, I have my problems with the method. My problems mostly stem from seeing the results in my older children. That said, I was very impressed by this book. Based on mom type 2, I expected it to be quite wacky. It was not. On the whole it's a good book.
So why are people complaining?
it is often weird
it is too vague
it frequently topples into permissive parenting
Let's address these one at a time.
It is weird. All parenting methods are weird. If someone is writing a parenting book, they have unusual ideas about childrearing (if their ideas were common they wouldn't have much to write). I have seen books that ranted against babyswearing and tummy time. So this is hardly a unique issue. That said, it is also true. Just take a look at the table on page 123. The premise is that instead of telling your child what not to do, you should tell them what to do. This is a good premise, but some of the suggestions don't pass the sniff test. For example, “gentle hands, please.” What exactly are you telling them to do – hit their sibling gently? The truth is, you just want them to stop hitting. So just say it. This is a frivolous example, but it comes up frequently in reels about gentle parenting. It is silly and it is also absolutely in the gentle parenting manual. Personally, I find the complaint silly in itself. If you don't like a chapter in the book, skip it. You're not being graded.
It is too vague. The overarching premise of gentle parenting is that if you maintain a solid relationship with your child, they will generally want to obey you and work with you and your goals for them. Maybe not at this exact minute, but in general, they are less likely to rebel as teens and adults. This is probably true, and if you take one thing away from this book, that's a good one.
But what happens when you have multiple children and their needs and desires conflict? There isn't really an answer to that. Gentle parenting suggests you help children work through it themselves, but this capability really only kicks in over the age of 6 or 7, even older for some kids when they're overwrought. Instead of an actual compromise, you end up with one kid repeatedly giving in just to get it over with. That's a common frustration and gripe you will see: “gentle parenting only works if you have one kid.” This isn't true; it can work with more children. But the effort and the time commitment to circling back to hash out every goddamn thing goes up exponentially. And at some point your kids get sick of discussing everything and just refuse... Sorry, getting a little personal here.
It frequently topples into permissive parenting. Let's get one thing straight: every single parenting book ever written begins by assuring you that the method in the book you're holding is authoritative. Every. Single. One. If we accept them all at their word, we could say Love and Logic hugs the authoritarian end of the spectrum, and we cannot deny that Gentle Parenting hugs the permissive end of the spectrum. Alfie Kohn arguably tips over the line into permissiveness. “Gentle Discipline” is literally Alfie Kohn's “Unconditional Parenting” rewritten with more practical examples and with the reinclusion of logical consequences. That segment on logical consequences is probably the thing that saves it from permissiveness.
Permissive parenting is characterized as “low demand, high responsiveness.” This describes gentle parenting quite well. I will give an example from the book, page 70. Her daughter is supposed to clean her room, after which they will go out to lunch together. Daughter fails to clean her room in time to go out for lunch. Ockwell-Smith helps the daughter clean, and then cooks lunch to order at home.
Now, I would argue that this is a low-demand high-responsiveness reaction. My child would very much prefer that I help him clean and then perform as short order cook over the alternative. He would consider himself well-rewarded for his sloth. Whereas I have failed to teach my child to power through difficult tasks. Moreover, I have punished myself with cleaning his room and custom cooking with associated cleanup. This feels very low demand on the child and very highly responsive on my part.
I would argue that an authoritative approach to this situation is to let the child feel upset about their lost outing. Afterward, you can help him figure out why the task was so difficult, and how he can work through it better next time, while being sympathetic. Ideally, the next attempt would require little more than supervision on your part. Then you can offer him another chance to earn the lunch out. I would not save him from his predicament and cook lunch too.
Let me give another example where Gentle Parenting is accidentally “low demand, high-responsiveness.” Hop to page 95 where we are dealing with a child who is hitting. This is the three-step plan:
Say “I can't allow you to hit” while preventing them from hitting.
Sit with them while they emote in a non-violent way. Be supportive. Let them get it all out.
When they calm down, discuss other ways to react and how to deal with their anger.
Following this three-step plan is how I wound up with an 8yo who kicked me in the shins when mildly annoyed. This is actually why millennials are writing annoyed articles about gentle parenting – because our kids are behaving in ways we cannot fathom. Here's why:
The phrase “I can't let you hit me” makes it clear that the onus is on me to prevent him from hitting me, not on him to behave properly.
The primary thing is that he gets to vent his emotion as much as he'd like. The emotions are most important here, and addressing the violence can wait.
Once all this has subsided and he's calm, he has lost interest in the incident. He will nod and say whatever he needs to so you stop talking about it, but nothing is really registering because he doesn't care. Why should he?
This is highly responsive to the emotional needs of the child, and in spite of a little powwow after, very low-demand on them to moderate their behavior. It cannot be. Unfortunately, humans learn best through pain, and there is no pain for the child related to kicking their parent.
I dealt with my kicking 8yo by doing “gentle parenting” according to the first woman in the opening paragraph. I did not wallop my kid, but I did not mince words and I did not gaf about his ongoing frustrated feelings. I got in his face and loudly told him that there is no universe in which it is okay to kick the people who take care of you and love you more than anyone else, and if he did that again he was going straight to time out.
This is not gentle parenting according to Ockwell-Smith for two reasons. Firstly, I am demanding respect. On page 55 she says that demanding respect with discipline backfires. This is false; there is a type of respect that is earned, and there is a type of respect that is demanded. Did my child respect me less after I refused to be his punching bag? You decide.
The second reason is that I used punitive time-outs. On page 41 Ockwell-Smith states that time-outs are counter-productive because kids just sit there bored and lonely until they can leave. They don't learn from it. Personally, I think she's missing the point. Bored and lonely is the point. I tell my kids that if they cannot behave in a pro-social manner then they cannot be around people. They need to leave, and they can come back when they're ready to behave properly to others. I don't really care where they do their time out – sometimes I send them to run laps, sometimes I suggest they go read in their room. The point is that at the moment they are unfit for society so they leave it.
Okay, I've been pretty down on Gentle Parenting, but the truth is, I mostly like the broad principles. My husband read this book over my shoulder and he said “From reading this I gather we practice gentle parenting.” Well, at least in our more permissive moments. When we want to get something straight quickly, we revert to “1-2-3 Magic.” But the entire genre of gentle/respectful parenting, whichever book you read, has several solid principles:
working with your kids on the joint project of turning them into functional humans is going to be more effective than treating them disrespectfully and wondering why they rebel.
Probably half the problems with kids can be solved by giving them attention. Kids crave your attention and they will get it any way they can. If you preemptively give them attention in predictable slots, they will calm tf down. This is actually the “one little trick” that sucked us into gentle parenting in the first place. It's magic.
Trying to understand the root of your child's behavior, and treating that, will be more effective than bullying or bribing.
As with any parenting book, you need to keep your shaker of salt on-hand when you read it. Some of it is nuts, and some is great. If you can pick the wheat from the chaff, then go ahead and read this book, iIt'll give you food for thought. In general, I thought Ockwell-Smith did a good job taking Alfie Kohn's ideas and making them pragmatic (to the extent that they can possibly be pragmatic). But if you're going to be the type of crazy lady who divorces her husband for saying “good job” and “don't hit your sister” too often, then stay away from this book. Read “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” or “1-2-3 Magic.”
The first type claims that gentle parenting just means not spanking your kids or using negative language and coercive methods.
The second type claims that gentle parenting is only the methods espoused in this book, and therefore if you don't even know who Sarah Ockwell-Smith is, you shouldn't be writing anything about gentle parenting.
It is the second type of mom who got me to read this book.
For the record, I have read a vast spectrum of parenting books, many of which fall under “respectful parenting” or “gentle parenting.” And like many of the discouraged millennials writing critical articles, I have my problems with the method. My problems mostly stem from seeing the results in my older children. That said, I was very impressed by this book. Based on mom type 2, I expected it to be quite wacky. It was not. On the whole it's a good book.
So why are people complaining?
it is often weird
it is too vague
it frequently topples into permissive parenting
Let's address these one at a time.
It is weird. All parenting methods are weird. If someone is writing a parenting book, they have unusual ideas about childrearing (if their ideas were common they wouldn't have much to write). I have seen books that ranted against babyswearing and tummy time. So this is hardly a unique issue. That said, it is also true. Just take a look at the table on page 123. The premise is that instead of telling your child what not to do, you should tell them what to do. This is a good premise, but some of the suggestions don't pass the sniff test. For example, “gentle hands, please.” What exactly are you telling them to do – hit their sibling gently? The truth is, you just want them to stop hitting. So just say it. This is a frivolous example, but it comes up frequently in reels about gentle parenting. It is silly and it is also absolutely in the gentle parenting manual. Personally, I find the complaint silly in itself. If you don't like a chapter in the book, skip it. You're not being graded.
It is too vague. The overarching premise of gentle parenting is that if you maintain a solid relationship with your child, they will generally want to obey you and work with you and your goals for them. Maybe not at this exact minute, but in general, they are less likely to rebel as teens and adults. This is probably true, and if you take one thing away from this book, that's a good one.
But what happens when you have multiple children and their needs and desires conflict? There isn't really an answer to that. Gentle parenting suggests you help children work through it themselves, but this capability really only kicks in over the age of 6 or 7, even older for some kids when they're overwrought. Instead of an actual compromise, you end up with one kid repeatedly giving in just to get it over with. That's a common frustration and gripe you will see: “gentle parenting only works if you have one kid.” This isn't true; it can work with more children. But the effort and the time commitment to circling back to hash out every goddamn thing goes up exponentially. And at some point your kids get sick of discussing everything and just refuse... Sorry, getting a little personal here.
It frequently topples into permissive parenting. Let's get one thing straight: every single parenting book ever written begins by assuring you that the method in the book you're holding is authoritative. Every. Single. One. If we accept them all at their word, we could say Love and Logic hugs the authoritarian end of the spectrum, and we cannot deny that Gentle Parenting hugs the permissive end of the spectrum. Alfie Kohn arguably tips over the line into permissiveness. “Gentle Discipline” is literally Alfie Kohn's “Unconditional Parenting” rewritten with more practical examples and with the reinclusion of logical consequences. That segment on logical consequences is probably the thing that saves it from permissiveness.
Permissive parenting is characterized as “low demand, high responsiveness.” This describes gentle parenting quite well. I will give an example from the book, page 70. Her daughter is supposed to clean her room, after which they will go out to lunch together. Daughter fails to clean her room in time to go out for lunch. Ockwell-Smith helps the daughter clean, and then cooks lunch to order at home.
Now, I would argue that this is a low-demand high-responsiveness reaction. My child would very much prefer that I help him clean and then perform as short order cook over the alternative. He would consider himself well-rewarded for his sloth. Whereas I have failed to teach my child to power through difficult tasks. Moreover, I have punished myself with cleaning his room and custom cooking with associated cleanup. This feels very low demand on the child and very highly responsive on my part.
I would argue that an authoritative approach to this situation is to let the child feel upset about their lost outing. Afterward, you can help him figure out why the task was so difficult, and how he can work through it better next time, while being sympathetic. Ideally, the next attempt would require little more than supervision on your part. Then you can offer him another chance to earn the lunch out. I would not save him from his predicament and cook lunch too.
Let me give another example where Gentle Parenting is accidentally “low demand, high-responsiveness.” Hop to page 95 where we are dealing with a child who is hitting. This is the three-step plan:
Say “I can't allow you to hit” while preventing them from hitting.
Sit with them while they emote in a non-violent way. Be supportive. Let them get it all out.
When they calm down, discuss other ways to react and how to deal with their anger.
Following this three-step plan is how I wound up with an 8yo who kicked me in the shins when mildly annoyed. This is actually why millennials are writing annoyed articles about gentle parenting – because our kids are behaving in ways we cannot fathom. Here's why:
The phrase “I can't let you hit me” makes it clear that the onus is on me to prevent him from hitting me, not on him to behave properly.
The primary thing is that he gets to vent his emotion as much as he'd like. The emotions are most important here, and addressing the violence can wait.
Once all this has subsided and he's calm, he has lost interest in the incident. He will nod and say whatever he needs to so you stop talking about it, but nothing is really registering because he doesn't care. Why should he?
This is highly responsive to the emotional needs of the child, and in spite of a little powwow after, very low-demand on them to moderate their behavior. It cannot be. Unfortunately, humans learn best through pain, and there is no pain for the child related to kicking their parent.
I dealt with my kicking 8yo by doing “gentle parenting” according to the first woman in the opening paragraph. I did not wallop my kid, but I did not mince words and I did not gaf about his ongoing frustrated feelings. I got in his face and loudly told him that there is no universe in which it is okay to kick the people who take care of you and love you more than anyone else, and if he did that again he was going straight to time out.
This is not gentle parenting according to Ockwell-Smith for two reasons. Firstly, I am demanding respect. On page 55 she says that demanding respect with discipline backfires. This is false; there is a type of respect that is earned, and there is a type of respect that is demanded. Did my child respect me less after I refused to be his punching bag? You decide.
The second reason is that I used punitive time-outs. On page 41 Ockwell-Smith states that time-outs are counter-productive because kids just sit there bored and lonely until they can leave. They don't learn from it. Personally, I think she's missing the point. Bored and lonely is the point. I tell my kids that if they cannot behave in a pro-social manner then they cannot be around people. They need to leave, and they can come back when they're ready to behave properly to others. I don't really care where they do their time out – sometimes I send them to run laps, sometimes I suggest they go read in their room. The point is that at the moment they are unfit for society so they leave it.
Okay, I've been pretty down on Gentle Parenting, but the truth is, I mostly like the broad principles. My husband read this book over my shoulder and he said “From reading this I gather we practice gentle parenting.” Well, at least in our more permissive moments. When we want to get something straight quickly, we revert to “1-2-3 Magic.” But the entire genre of gentle/respectful parenting, whichever book you read, has several solid principles:
working with your kids on the joint project of turning them into functional humans is going to be more effective than treating them disrespectfully and wondering why they rebel.
Probably half the problems with kids can be solved by giving them attention. Kids crave your attention and they will get it any way they can. If you preemptively give them attention in predictable slots, they will calm tf down. This is actually the “one little trick” that sucked us into gentle parenting in the first place. It's magic.
Trying to understand the root of your child's behavior, and treating that, will be more effective than bullying or bribing.
As with any parenting book, you need to keep your shaker of salt on-hand when you read it. Some of it is nuts, and some is great. If you can pick the wheat from the chaff, then go ahead and read this book, iIt'll give you food for thought. In general, I thought Ockwell-Smith did a good job taking Alfie Kohn's ideas and making them pragmatic (to the extent that they can possibly be pragmatic). But if you're going to be the type of crazy lady who divorces her husband for saying “good job” and “don't hit your sister” too often, then stay away from this book. Read “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” or “1-2-3 Magic.”
October 5, 2022
While I don't necessarily adhere to a non-punitive method of discipline, I found this book incredibly helpful for explaining the different phases of child development and how to effectively communicate with children in each phase. I also have seen incredible results using the methods prescribed in this book with my toddler as well as other gentle parenting techniques. I first read this book a couple of years ago for the first time and it was a lifesaver in a season of life when I felt like I was hitting a brick wall with my toddler! The more I've incorporated gentle parenting and discipline into our household, the less I feel the need to use traditional parenting methods.
February 27, 2022
It's hard to write a review of this book. The concepts are not ground breaking nor do they differ much from each other. Essentially the advice is to carve more time to build a stronger relationship. I appreciate the approach but the information fell short.
August 29, 2023
I've enjoyed listening to gentle discipline via audiobook.
She has such a soft English voice and I feel like nanny McPhee has come to help me. Haha 😆
Not some magic parenting book but good ways to think of ways to discipline/be empathetic/ talk through things with your child and being understanding of what they are developmentally capable of. Also talks about having multiple children a lot and how to handle them with a baby and such
She has such a soft English voice and I feel like nanny McPhee has come to help me. Haha 😆
Not some magic parenting book but good ways to think of ways to discipline/be empathetic/ talk through things with your child and being understanding of what they are developmentally capable of. Also talks about having multiple children a lot and how to handle them with a baby and such
May 22, 2018
We all have blind spots. And for me, I take pride in parenting well, so this is a blind spot. This book gave me inspiration and a few new approaches that has helped me sharpen parenting skills. It is gentle in telling me this... And I would rename this book more to be "Mindful Discipline". I knew it was a blind spot of mine because I was surprised how much I got out of it. And likely, if you open yourself up to the idea that there may be better ways, you will too.
March 31, 2025
I thought I went into this book with an open mind, if only because it has been a rough couple of weeks in this house and I wanted actual discipline solutions that don’t involve raising my voice. Maybe I was less open than I thought because I wasn’t very far in before I started getting annoyed by the author’s suggestions.
I don’t know what she thinks the alternative to her style of parenting is, but I have to imagine she thinks it’s to punish for every small infraction because all she offers in these pages is the initial gentle approach. “Don’t spank your kids or put them in timeout for this offense. Instead, have a conversation about why this behavior is happening.”
Okay. And if the behavior doesn’t change, what then?Anyone can be a gentle parent as long as their kids are listening, but this book offers no suggestions as to how to enforce cooperation in the moment. She talks a lot about how this approach will pay off in the long run, but in the meantime am I just supposed to let my children walk all over me for the sake of being gentle with them?
The inconsistencies in her approach also confused me. She speaks of the importance of not rewarding or bribing kids for their cooperation, but mentioned more than once that she will ask a child to clean their room so they can go to lunch together. Is that not a form of bribery? She is anti-timeout, claiming it doesn’t work because kids don’t have the capacity to think about their life decisions or something and will only learn that they can rejoin the family after they calm down. (I’m not sure what the rest of you are expecting when you put a toddler in timeout, but that is literally the goal for me?) But then in her chapter about parental responses, she shares the wisdom of many parents who essentially put themselves in timeout when they feel their response is going to be less than gentle (literally using the word “timeout”). So timeout is good for adults and bad for kids, why?
I try to parent as gently as possible. I take my kids’ emotions into consideration. I give them broad boundaries and say “yes” as often as possible. But there are certain behaviors I will not tolerate—behaviors I don’t want my children to believe are acceptable.
My toddler is allowed to have big feelings, but she doesn’t need to be allowed to shriek in my face and go full tantrum because she’s mad I said “no” this time. Had this book offered peaceful solutions for meltdowns, I would have eaten that up. Instead, it offers blanket solutions to issues, essentially assuming your initial gentle response will be well received. Spoilers: it won’t be. If it was, you wouldn’t be reading this book in the first place.
I don’t know what she thinks the alternative to her style of parenting is, but I have to imagine she thinks it’s to punish for every small infraction because all she offers in these pages is the initial gentle approach. “Don’t spank your kids or put them in timeout for this offense. Instead, have a conversation about why this behavior is happening.”
Okay. And if the behavior doesn’t change, what then?Anyone can be a gentle parent as long as their kids are listening, but this book offers no suggestions as to how to enforce cooperation in the moment. She talks a lot about how this approach will pay off in the long run, but in the meantime am I just supposed to let my children walk all over me for the sake of being gentle with them?
The inconsistencies in her approach also confused me. She speaks of the importance of not rewarding or bribing kids for their cooperation, but mentioned more than once that she will ask a child to clean their room so they can go to lunch together. Is that not a form of bribery? She is anti-timeout, claiming it doesn’t work because kids don’t have the capacity to think about their life decisions or something and will only learn that they can rejoin the family after they calm down. (I’m not sure what the rest of you are expecting when you put a toddler in timeout, but that is literally the goal for me?) But then in her chapter about parental responses, she shares the wisdom of many parents who essentially put themselves in timeout when they feel their response is going to be less than gentle (literally using the word “timeout”). So timeout is good for adults and bad for kids, why?
I try to parent as gently as possible. I take my kids’ emotions into consideration. I give them broad boundaries and say “yes” as often as possible. But there are certain behaviors I will not tolerate—behaviors I don’t want my children to believe are acceptable.
My toddler is allowed to have big feelings, but she doesn’t need to be allowed to shriek in my face and go full tantrum because she’s mad I said “no” this time. Had this book offered peaceful solutions for meltdowns, I would have eaten that up. Instead, it offers blanket solutions to issues, essentially assuming your initial gentle response will be well received. Spoilers: it won’t be. If it was, you wouldn’t be reading this book in the first place.
January 13, 2021
I feel like parenting books are either a hit or miss, you either like it or you don't. In my personal opinion this book is a hit, it aligns with the type of parenting I'd like to implement with my daughter and future children. Now I realize that this isn't everyone's cup of tea, and that is fine. I just know that I want to raise my children differently then the way my brother and I we're raised. One of the reasons I really love this book, is the use of "gentle discipline" can be used on person of any age. A grown adult can use these methods/techniques with their own grown up relationships, whether it be with their parents, spouse, friends, siblings. To be honest, the parenting style that the author is explaining is simple and just makes sense. Most people want to be treated in a mindful way, they want to be understood, respected, treated kindly and equally, etc. This, in a nutshell, is what the author goes on to explain throughout her novel. I do recommend this book to parents or parents-to-be, even if you choose not to go this route it is still great knowledge to have. I also recommend this book to anyone who is interested in it. If I am being completely honest, it's just a good refresher on how to be a decent human being.
December 14, 2022
Although I don’t agree with every little detail of this book, it has a lot of great information, tips AND my favorite thing is that she really explains the science of children’s development and how that plays a part in how they react/engage with you. My husband has a lot more open mindedness to this book and the idea of gentle discipline with Ockwell-Smith’s addition of these scientific explanations.
This is an overnight change for anyone, but I will say, my son (and husband) have been rather difficult as of late and just by implementing a couple of very small things and concentrating on doing more of the things I already do that Ockwell-Smith talks about in this book, I’ve seen some behavioral improvements for my whole family (myself included). Being a good human is hard and remembering that that’s all children are- humans that are having a hard time or having to deal with the repercussions of our hard times- really puts a lot of thjngs into perspective and makes me more patient to do better for myself, my husband, and our son.
This is an overnight change for anyone, but I will say, my son (and husband) have been rather difficult as of late and just by implementing a couple of very small things and concentrating on doing more of the things I already do that Ockwell-Smith talks about in this book, I’ve seen some behavioral improvements for my whole family (myself included). Being a good human is hard and remembering that that’s all children are- humans that are having a hard time or having to deal with the repercussions of our hard times- really puts a lot of thjngs into perspective and makes me more patient to do better for myself, my husband, and our son.
October 14, 2019
I do not agree with a lot of this book. That being said, I thought there were very helpful tips in how to emotionally connect with your children in and through discipline. I also thought her 3 step plan towards providing effective discipline was helpful. Much of this book should be already accomplished by parents walking with Jesus in the midst of their parenting. Obviously this book was never intended to be a Christian approach to parenting. However, Christians can gain from some of the tools mentioned in this book.
2 stars because it misses the real aim of parenting and has faulty starting points for parenting. It primarily aims at correcting the environment so that children can thrive.
2 stars because it misses the real aim of parenting and has faulty starting points for parenting. It primarily aims at correcting the environment so that children can thrive.
January 7, 2022
Listened to the book over a long period of time, I would listen to it again in a while. Good advice, fits my temperament and parenting style. Few items I remember: give options, set limits, give autonomy, no rewards and punishments, time one on one with each child…
May 10, 2022
The most helpful parenting book I’ve ever read!
June 27, 2025
this book works in a few ways. it provides insight to why we want to parent gently. it provides daily reminders. it provides practical suggestions. and it provides specific resources. the middle section is broken up by Parenting "issues" such as disobeying, back talk, and lying. I highly recommend for parents of all age children.
May 13, 2022
I found a lot of helpful information in this book. My only complaint is the school chapter. I don't feel like the school chapter is all that applicable with what I, as a parent, could do to effect change in a larger system. What could have improved this section is explaining how to work around a school's rigid system of rewards and punishments.
I found chapters dealing with cursing, anti-social behavior, and working with parental demons most relevant and helpful.
I found chapters dealing with cursing, anti-social behavior, and working with parental demons most relevant and helpful.
December 13, 2023
Real--or gentle-discipline is all about teaching and learning, with the parent and child assuming either role. It is sad that there is a need to invent a new terminology- gentle discipline- to describe what should be just discipline, but so many people in society today are confused about its real meaning."
"And the key to effective always discipline is to work with the root cause of the behavior rather than asserting control, which covers up the problem and solves nothing. Because, remember, there is always a reason behind your child's behavior."
"If you have told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner."
"Children watch us more than they listen to us."
"Very last section of the brain to mature, during the teenage years and early twenties, is the prefrontal cortex, which controls judgment, impulse control, and emotion regulation. Until this section of the brain is well connected, it is reasonable to expect the child, or indeed teenager, to lack judgment and self-control."
"Let's go back to the acronym SPACE, which helps us to be good teachers and discipline both fairly and effectively:
Stay calm
Proper expectations
Affinity with your child
Connect and contain emotions
Explain and set a good example. "
"I also recommended taking the advice of my good friend PETER whenever you struggle with your feelings and need help responding to your child in the moment:
P = Pause: don't react immediately.
E = Empathize: try to understand how your child is, or was, feeling and their point of view.
T = Think: think about different ways you could respond and the learning that would happen as a result.
E = Exhale: take a deep breath, breathe out, relax your shoulders, and picture your anger leaving your body.
R= Respond: now is the time to respond to your child, not before.
Gentle discipline, in my opinion is the most effective way to grow happy, confident,independent, polite, cooperative, and successful children."
"I breathe deeply and remind myself who out of the pair of us doesn't yet have the skills to manage big emotions, and then I center myself and be his center."
"You need do only three things: respect, understand, and guide. Respect and understand your child's feelings and point of view, as well as their current capabilities.."
"Discipline should always be mindful. Too many parents discipline because it is expected and they are conscious of other people's opinions or of onlookers. But as a teacher to your child, you are the only one who should decide when and how to discipline. Always remember this: the idea of being a good teacher is vital. You are the best and most influential role model your child will ever have."
"No parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. Those mistakes are valuable too- they are how we learn to be better teachers. When you put into practice what you have learned in this book you will make mistakes just as I do, and that's OK. Aiming for 70/30 is a more realistic goal than 100 percent perfection. Keeping a growth mind-set and a belief that you can discipline your child both effectively and gently even on your darkest parenting day are also so important."
Ironically, many of the things that we find so difficult to handle in our children--behaviors deemed "naughty" and undesirable by society-are rooted in traits that they need to be good learners and reach their full potential. Let's look at the list again and see how some of these traits can be viewed in a different light. Motivated, ambitious, determined, and tenacious: a child with these qualities could
also be called "stubborn."
Focused: this can translate into a child who "doesn't listen" (if you ask them to do something when they are engaged in another activity).
Resilient: a child who "doesn't learn from punishment."
Brave: a brave child might be considered "disrespectful."
Eager to learn: a child who touches everything
Inquisitive: can be thought of as constantly asking annoying questions.
A free thinker: a child who "back talks" or asks, "why should I?"
"Having an affinity with someone means that you have an essential connection and an understanding of each other. It is this understanding, this empathy, that will aid you in disciplining your child gently. Hold on to it, whatever your child has done. Remind yourself of how much you love him, and try to view his actions from his perspective. Ask yourself why he did what he did. And how is he feeling right now? This will not only help you to understand his actions but also to solve the problem and discipline appropriately, as well as to stay calm."
"The secret to emotional intelligence is knowing that all emotions are OK; it's how we manage them that matters. Until your child learns how to manage her emotions, it is your role to externally manage them, while leading her in the direction of self-control. To contain your child's feelings, you must connect with her."
"There is a misconception in our society that children learn best by being punished and shamed. The reality couldn't be further from the truth. If you want kids to behave better, you have you have to make them feel better."
"Kids do not learn to be respectful in an environment in which they are disrespected."
"Anger in itself isn't a problem; it's how we express it that matters. You need to really stress this point to your daughter. It's OK that she has big feelings, and it's OK that she expresses them."
"Remember that even if what they are whining about may seem trivial to you, it is still really important in their world, so don't
be tempted to belittle their wishes or concerns. As the author Catherine M. Wallace said:
'Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.'"
"In fact, we often expect behavior from our kids that we are not fully capable of ourselves."
"Specific:
Many parents will say "Well done! if a child shows them a painting that they have just completed. But what does this mean? At best, it is confusing for the child. What is it
they have done well? Used nice colors? Painted neatly? Made a realistic picture? "Well done" is meaningless, pointless, and
dismissive. It doesn't help children to learn, as it fails to tell them what it is they have done that they should be proud of."
"The child is not able to change their looks or their innate intelligence, so praising them for qualities that are totally out of their control undermines them. What happens when they grow up and become unhappy with their looks, yet that is something you have praised them for constantly during their childhood. What happens when they struggle at school after you have been calling them clever for so long?"
"Most parents have done it at one time or another. But please: If you are spanking, stop. If you are screaming, yelling, or lecturing, stop. If you are using threats or warnings, stop. All of these methods are disrespectful and encourage doubt shame, guilt, and/or rebellion now and in the future."
"Poor Communication:
If your child doesn't listen to you there is a chance that you are not communicating effectively. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is telling their child what they don't want them to do, rather than what they do want them to do: "Stop running," "Don't touch that,'" "Stop hurting the dog,'" "Don't eat that." There are two problems with this approach, the first being that children are far more likely to hear the second half of the command -"running," "touch that," "hurting the dog," and "eat that"-than the "Stop" or "Don't." Second, and perhaps more important, is that when you give your child a negative command, you don't tell them what you want them to do instead. Knowing that children of almost all ages have poor logical reasoning skills, we should always tell them what we want them to do. To you, the logical outcome of not running is to walk instead. You have reasoned that the appropriate response should be to slow down and that walking is a slow way of moving. To a child with a less developed frontal cortex, this is not so obvious. If you don't want them to run, what should they do? Should they skip? Jump? Hop? Crawl? Fly? Stand still? And what about "Don't touch that"? There are two problems for the child here: their lack of impulse control and, again, the absence of logical reasoning skills."
"One- one on-one time with each time child is a salve like no with other."
"And the key to effective always discipline is to work with the root cause of the behavior rather than asserting control, which covers up the problem and solves nothing. Because, remember, there is always a reason behind your child's behavior."
"If you have told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner."
"Children watch us more than they listen to us."
"Very last section of the brain to mature, during the teenage years and early twenties, is the prefrontal cortex, which controls judgment, impulse control, and emotion regulation. Until this section of the brain is well connected, it is reasonable to expect the child, or indeed teenager, to lack judgment and self-control."
"Let's go back to the acronym SPACE, which helps us to be good teachers and discipline both fairly and effectively:
Stay calm
Proper expectations
Affinity with your child
Connect and contain emotions
Explain and set a good example. "
"I also recommended taking the advice of my good friend PETER whenever you struggle with your feelings and need help responding to your child in the moment:
P = Pause: don't react immediately.
E = Empathize: try to understand how your child is, or was, feeling and their point of view.
T = Think: think about different ways you could respond and the learning that would happen as a result.
E = Exhale: take a deep breath, breathe out, relax your shoulders, and picture your anger leaving your body.
R= Respond: now is the time to respond to your child, not before.
Gentle discipline, in my opinion is the most effective way to grow happy, confident,independent, polite, cooperative, and successful children."
"I breathe deeply and remind myself who out of the pair of us doesn't yet have the skills to manage big emotions, and then I center myself and be his center."
"You need do only three things: respect, understand, and guide. Respect and understand your child's feelings and point of view, as well as their current capabilities.."
"Discipline should always be mindful. Too many parents discipline because it is expected and they are conscious of other people's opinions or of onlookers. But as a teacher to your child, you are the only one who should decide when and how to discipline. Always remember this: the idea of being a good teacher is vital. You are the best and most influential role model your child will ever have."
"No parent is perfect and we all make mistakes. Those mistakes are valuable too- they are how we learn to be better teachers. When you put into practice what you have learned in this book you will make mistakes just as I do, and that's OK. Aiming for 70/30 is a more realistic goal than 100 percent perfection. Keeping a growth mind-set and a belief that you can discipline your child both effectively and gently even on your darkest parenting day are also so important."
Ironically, many of the things that we find so difficult to handle in our children--behaviors deemed "naughty" and undesirable by society-are rooted in traits that they need to be good learners and reach their full potential. Let's look at the list again and see how some of these traits can be viewed in a different light. Motivated, ambitious, determined, and tenacious: a child with these qualities could
also be called "stubborn."
Focused: this can translate into a child who "doesn't listen" (if you ask them to do something when they are engaged in another activity).
Resilient: a child who "doesn't learn from punishment."
Brave: a brave child might be considered "disrespectful."
Eager to learn: a child who touches everything
Inquisitive: can be thought of as constantly asking annoying questions.
A free thinker: a child who "back talks" or asks, "why should I?"
"Having an affinity with someone means that you have an essential connection and an understanding of each other. It is this understanding, this empathy, that will aid you in disciplining your child gently. Hold on to it, whatever your child has done. Remind yourself of how much you love him, and try to view his actions from his perspective. Ask yourself why he did what he did. And how is he feeling right now? This will not only help you to understand his actions but also to solve the problem and discipline appropriately, as well as to stay calm."
"The secret to emotional intelligence is knowing that all emotions are OK; it's how we manage them that matters. Until your child learns how to manage her emotions, it is your role to externally manage them, while leading her in the direction of self-control. To contain your child's feelings, you must connect with her."
"There is a misconception in our society that children learn best by being punished and shamed. The reality couldn't be further from the truth. If you want kids to behave better, you have you have to make them feel better."
"Kids do not learn to be respectful in an environment in which they are disrespected."
"Anger in itself isn't a problem; it's how we express it that matters. You need to really stress this point to your daughter. It's OK that she has big feelings, and it's OK that she expresses them."
"Remember that even if what they are whining about may seem trivial to you, it is still really important in their world, so don't
be tempted to belittle their wishes or concerns. As the author Catherine M. Wallace said:
'Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.'"
"In fact, we often expect behavior from our kids that we are not fully capable of ourselves."
"Specific:
Many parents will say "Well done! if a child shows them a painting that they have just completed. But what does this mean? At best, it is confusing for the child. What is it
they have done well? Used nice colors? Painted neatly? Made a realistic picture? "Well done" is meaningless, pointless, and
dismissive. It doesn't help children to learn, as it fails to tell them what it is they have done that they should be proud of."
"The child is not able to change their looks or their innate intelligence, so praising them for qualities that are totally out of their control undermines them. What happens when they grow up and become unhappy with their looks, yet that is something you have praised them for constantly during their childhood. What happens when they struggle at school after you have been calling them clever for so long?"
"Most parents have done it at one time or another. But please: If you are spanking, stop. If you are screaming, yelling, or lecturing, stop. If you are using threats or warnings, stop. All of these methods are disrespectful and encourage doubt shame, guilt, and/or rebellion now and in the future."
"Poor Communication:
If your child doesn't listen to you there is a chance that you are not communicating effectively. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is telling their child what they don't want them to do, rather than what they do want them to do: "Stop running," "Don't touch that,'" "Stop hurting the dog,'" "Don't eat that." There are two problems with this approach, the first being that children are far more likely to hear the second half of the command -"running," "touch that," "hurting the dog," and "eat that"-than the "Stop" or "Don't." Second, and perhaps more important, is that when you give your child a negative command, you don't tell them what you want them to do instead. Knowing that children of almost all ages have poor logical reasoning skills, we should always tell them what we want them to do. To you, the logical outcome of not running is to walk instead. You have reasoned that the appropriate response should be to slow down and that walking is a slow way of moving. To a child with a less developed frontal cortex, this is not so obvious. If you don't want them to run, what should they do? Should they skip? Jump? Hop? Crawl? Fly? Stand still? And what about "Don't touch that"? There are two problems for the child here: their lack of impulse control and, again, the absence of logical reasoning skills."
"One- one on-one time with each time child is a salve like no with other."
November 26, 2022
Easy to read. Information is presented logically and clearly with specific examples. It is hard to follow the guidance to read the first few chapters before the chapter on the problem you are currently facing but worth it, as it puts you in the right mindset.
Some aspects I don't think I agree with (e.g. eating) but it has definitely broadened my mind to why my children behave the way they do and how I can try to be more understanding. Wish me luck!
Some aspects I don't think I agree with (e.g. eating) but it has definitely broadened my mind to why my children behave the way they do and how I can try to be more understanding. Wish me luck!
April 13, 2018
Gentle Discipline is the practice of compassionately teaching children to manage their difficult emotions in order to live happier, better-behaved lives. It focuses on connecting with children who are experiencing behavior problems, giving them the attention and safety they need, and eschews punishment, reward, and other conventional disciplinary techniques. In this book, Ockwell-Smith discusses why other techniques are inferior and presents gentle solutions to several common discipline problems.
The good: The book is easy to read and doesn't feel condescending; the techniques discussed are fairly universal.
The bad: Although the book is called Gentle Discipline, it doesn't really contain a coherent definition of the philosophy. Additionally, the chapters have a tendency to wander, and the author treats all discipline issues - and, to a great extent, children of all ages - as if they are equivalent.
The verdict: The book oversells its case. It devotes too many pages to explaining why common discipline methods are inappropriate, and too few to explaining how Gentle Discipline differs from them and why it may be superior. Although it does acknowledge the fact that parents may sometimes need to use other discipline methods, it fails to explain how this might be done with a gentle mindset and generally lacks concrete, realistic suggestions.
The good: The book is easy to read and doesn't feel condescending; the techniques discussed are fairly universal.
The bad: Although the book is called Gentle Discipline, it doesn't really contain a coherent definition of the philosophy. Additionally, the chapters have a tendency to wander, and the author treats all discipline issues - and, to a great extent, children of all ages - as if they are equivalent.
The verdict: The book oversells its case. It devotes too many pages to explaining why common discipline methods are inappropriate, and too few to explaining how Gentle Discipline differs from them and why it may be superior. Although it does acknowledge the fact that parents may sometimes need to use other discipline methods, it fails to explain how this might be done with a gentle mindset and generally lacks concrete, realistic suggestions.
May 7, 2018
I approached this book with a fair amount of skepticism. Parenting is not all warm hugs and everyone gets a medal, but I've been looking for additional tools and thoughts and decided to give it a try. Surprisingly, I was hooked nearly right away with the author's very clear explanation of the definitions and origins of the word "discipline." As it's not going to spoil any plots, I'll simply say that discipline <> punishment. Some of what the author shares seems so glaringly obvious, but sadly, at least for me, it's what I needed to hear and was framed in such a way that it just made sense. Don't let the title fool you. This book is not about hugs, unrelenting praise, and unearned rewards. This book is about teaching responsibility and raising children that grow into adulthood as humans we want to be around. There are no quick fixes, but there are clear explanations as to when and why and how teach your children, especially in those hard moments where they (and you) need it most. There are lots of parenting books out there and lots of opinions to match. If you're looking for a way to get through to your kids and gain some sanity, I'd recommend giving this book a read.
May 27, 2022
I don’t regret reading it, and I did learn some things. However it felt like there was a lot of unnecessary tangents, a lot of weird opinions that weren’t fact based.
She started the book off very well using evidence based research, slowly started saying some off stuff, while also not considering different cultures, family issues,& financial means which came across tone deaf.
However if you’ve never researched gentle discipline and want to incorporate it into your own parenting i would say it’s still worth a read.
She started the book off very well using evidence based research, slowly started saying some off stuff, while also not considering different cultures, family issues,& financial means which came across tone deaf.
However if you’ve never researched gentle discipline and want to incorporate it into your own parenting i would say it’s still worth a read.
February 8, 2018
I felt like the premise was basically if you have your crap together, so will your kids. And I understand that is true. But I need to see how I can be a great parent in spite of my weaknesses. I don't need additional feelings of inadequacy to be heaped upon me just because I'm human.
August 2, 2018
I was hoping for more how to vs research.
August 11, 2019
It was so patronizing and judgy. Did not finish.
February 14, 2023
I was so pleased with this author's ability to turn my vague parental goals and philosophies into actionable plans. I'm making my husband read it, too!
November 17, 2022
I loved the way Sarah put her words that I felt being hugged by her as a parent.
August 8, 2022
Pseudoscientific nonsense: a manifesto for harm
January 29, 2023
4.5 stars (rounding up to 5)
📖In this book, parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith offers an alternative form of discipline to the conventional version of ineffective punishments and rewards. She explores popular ways of discipling children and why they often don’t work.
Ockwell-Smith breaks down three parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritative with its child centered, highly responsive approach is gentle discipline. It includes age appropriate expectations, realistic boundaries, respectful enforcement, and empathy based communication.
The first few chapters explore child development so a parent can be informed of what their child is actually capable of at any given age. Often in modern discipline methods, children are punished for things that aren’t yet developmentally appropriate and punished in ways that they’re not capable of understanding – especially at school.
At the end of each chapter are common questions that parents have written to her followed by a breakdown response of advice, ideas, and methods to try at home.
💭I listened to this book on audio since it was available through hoopla with my library. I would like to purchase a physical copy to reread and reference.
Some of my takeaways were the importance of being informed of child development stages so you’re not expecting more from your child than they can actually do. I appreciated the concept that there should be consequences but they should be logical relating to the inappropriate behavior.
She also makes it clear that you don’t have to be perfect. All parents will lose their cool at some point. Apologizing when that happens is actually a great way of modeling behavior for your kids. She strives for a 70/30 rule – at least 70% of the time successfully gently disciplining.
Ockwell-Smith’s overall message is just to be empathic to your kid and treat them as you’d want to be treated. I found her approach is supportive, understanding, encouraging and full of hope.
📖In this book, parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith offers an alternative form of discipline to the conventional version of ineffective punishments and rewards. She explores popular ways of discipling children and why they often don’t work.
Ockwell-Smith breaks down three parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive. Authoritative with its child centered, highly responsive approach is gentle discipline. It includes age appropriate expectations, realistic boundaries, respectful enforcement, and empathy based communication.
The first few chapters explore child development so a parent can be informed of what their child is actually capable of at any given age. Often in modern discipline methods, children are punished for things that aren’t yet developmentally appropriate and punished in ways that they’re not capable of understanding – especially at school.
At the end of each chapter are common questions that parents have written to her followed by a breakdown response of advice, ideas, and methods to try at home.
💭I listened to this book on audio since it was available through hoopla with my library. I would like to purchase a physical copy to reread and reference.
Some of my takeaways were the importance of being informed of child development stages so you’re not expecting more from your child than they can actually do. I appreciated the concept that there should be consequences but they should be logical relating to the inappropriate behavior.
She also makes it clear that you don’t have to be perfect. All parents will lose their cool at some point. Apologizing when that happens is actually a great way of modeling behavior for your kids. She strives for a 70/30 rule – at least 70% of the time successfully gently disciplining.
Ockwell-Smith’s overall message is just to be empathic to your kid and treat them as you’d want to be treated. I found her approach is supportive, understanding, encouraging and full of hope.
March 17, 2023
Here is a 2000-word SEO-optimized Vietnamese review of the book "Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids" by Sarah Ockwell-Smith:
"Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids" là cuốn sách mới nhất của Sarah Ockwell-Smith, một chuyên gia về nuôi dạy trẻ em. Trong cuốn sách này, Ockwell-Smith chia sẻ những phương pháp nuôi dạy trẻ em tự nhiên, kiên định nhưng dịu dàng thay vì sử dụng hình phạt truyền thống. Bằng cách tăng cường kết nối cảm xúc với trẻ, cha mẹ có thể hướng dẫn trẻ phát triển kỹ năng xã hội và học hỏi mà không phải dọa nạt hay lên án chúng.
Cuốn sách được chia thành bốn phần: Tại sao cần một phương pháp nuôi dạy trẻ em dịu dàng, Xây dựng kết nối cảm xúc, Phát triển tự chủvà Giải quyết hành vi. Trong mỗi phần, Ockwell-Smith giải thích khái niệm và ý tưởng cơ bản của phương pháp nuôi dạy dịu dàng, và cung cấp chi tiết nhiều bài tập và lời khuyên thực tiễn để áp dụng với trẻ em ở nhiều lứa tuổi khác nhau.
Điểm mạnh của cuốn sách là Ockwell-Smith có cách diễn đạt rõ ràng, logic và dễ hiểu. Thay vì chỉ đưa ra lý thuyết khô khan, cô ấy kết hợp nhiều ví dụ và chuyện kể thực tế từ kinh nghiệm nuôi dạy của chính mình để minh họa cho từng phương pháp và lời khuyên. Ngoài ra, Ockwell-Smith cũng thảo luận về những sai lầm phổ biến mà cha mẹ có thể mắc phải khi nuôi dạy trẻ và cách tránh và khắc phục chúng.
Nói chung, "Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids" là một cuốn sách hữu ích về nuôi dạy trẻ em. Với phong cách viết chân thực, dễ hiểu và những lời khuyên thực tiễn dựa trên bằng chứng, cuốn sách sẽ giúp cha mẹ hiểu hơn về tâm lý phát triển của trẻ và cách nuôi dạy trẻ một cách nhẹ nhàng và hiệu quả.
Mình mua sách gốc cuốn này tại Bookee, bạn cần mua thì có thể tham khảo ở đây: https://bookee.store/gentle-disciplin...
"Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids" là cuốn sách mới nhất của Sarah Ockwell-Smith, một chuyên gia về nuôi dạy trẻ em. Trong cuốn sách này, Ockwell-Smith chia sẻ những phương pháp nuôi dạy trẻ em tự nhiên, kiên định nhưng dịu dàng thay vì sử dụng hình phạt truyền thống. Bằng cách tăng cường kết nối cảm xúc với trẻ, cha mẹ có thể hướng dẫn trẻ phát triển kỹ năng xã hội và học hỏi mà không phải dọa nạt hay lên án chúng.
Cuốn sách được chia thành bốn phần: Tại sao cần một phương pháp nuôi dạy trẻ em dịu dàng, Xây dựng kết nối cảm xúc, Phát triển tự chủvà Giải quyết hành vi. Trong mỗi phần, Ockwell-Smith giải thích khái niệm và ý tưởng cơ bản của phương pháp nuôi dạy dịu dàng, và cung cấp chi tiết nhiều bài tập và lời khuyên thực tiễn để áp dụng với trẻ em ở nhiều lứa tuổi khác nhau.
Điểm mạnh của cuốn sách là Ockwell-Smith có cách diễn đạt rõ ràng, logic và dễ hiểu. Thay vì chỉ đưa ra lý thuyết khô khan, cô ấy kết hợp nhiều ví dụ và chuyện kể thực tế từ kinh nghiệm nuôi dạy của chính mình để minh họa cho từng phương pháp và lời khuyên. Ngoài ra, Ockwell-Smith cũng thảo luận về những sai lầm phổ biến mà cha mẹ có thể mắc phải khi nuôi dạy trẻ và cách tránh và khắc phục chúng.
Nói chung, "Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids" là một cuốn sách hữu ích về nuôi dạy trẻ em. Với phong cách viết chân thực, dễ hiểu và những lời khuyên thực tiễn dựa trên bằng chứng, cuốn sách sẽ giúp cha mẹ hiểu hơn về tâm lý phát triển của trẻ và cách nuôi dạy trẻ một cách nhẹ nhàng và hiệu quả.
Mình mua sách gốc cuốn này tại Bookee, bạn cần mua thì có thể tham khảo ở đây: https://bookee.store/gentle-disciplin...
November 3, 2020
If you’re looking for a quick fix, this is NOT the book for you. A fact which the author states many times throughout.
I picked up this book when my son turned one and was becoming more and more mobile, and therefore more likely to get into situations that required discipline. I believe that as the years go on, this book will become more and more relevant. But I did find a lot of the specific situations were not applicable to my situation as my son is so young. I wager I will reborrow this book multiple times though!
The most helpful parts to me were the first few chapters focusing on child development and the ‘why’ behind their actions. It helped me to develop a more compassionate stance when my son ‘misbehaves’, thinking about whether there was real malicious intent or in fact he is needing something from me instead. Or in my case, is it just a normal developmental stage for my one year old that shouldn’t need punishing at all! Kids need to be kids!
I love the philosophy behind this approach to discipline, but time will tell as to how affective it truly is as many of the strategies in this book relate to preventative measures leading to long term changes. I have already found myself adjusting the expectations I place on my young toddler and focusing more on why he does what he does and how he must be feeling.
Tantrums have definitely not stopped, but my reactions have changed, knowing that they are a normal (and inevitable) part of toddlerhood and indeed life. I am less afraid to let him express his emotions and more open to guiding him through them rather than punishing straight away.
Lastly, I appreciate the way in which Sarah supports parents through the journey of gentle discipline. She states that it’s alright to not get it right 100% of the time and that we should cut ourselves some slack. She is confident in her teachings but not preachy.
I picked up this book when my son turned one and was becoming more and more mobile, and therefore more likely to get into situations that required discipline. I believe that as the years go on, this book will become more and more relevant. But I did find a lot of the specific situations were not applicable to my situation as my son is so young. I wager I will reborrow this book multiple times though!
The most helpful parts to me were the first few chapters focusing on child development and the ‘why’ behind their actions. It helped me to develop a more compassionate stance when my son ‘misbehaves’, thinking about whether there was real malicious intent or in fact he is needing something from me instead. Or in my case, is it just a normal developmental stage for my one year old that shouldn’t need punishing at all! Kids need to be kids!
I love the philosophy behind this approach to discipline, but time will tell as to how affective it truly is as many of the strategies in this book relate to preventative measures leading to long term changes. I have already found myself adjusting the expectations I place on my young toddler and focusing more on why he does what he does and how he must be feeling.
Tantrums have definitely not stopped, but my reactions have changed, knowing that they are a normal (and inevitable) part of toddlerhood and indeed life. I am less afraid to let him express his emotions and more open to guiding him through them rather than punishing straight away.
Lastly, I appreciate the way in which Sarah supports parents through the journey of gentle discipline. She states that it’s alright to not get it right 100% of the time and that we should cut ourselves some slack. She is confident in her teachings but not preachy.
January 18, 2024
This book was ok. This author had a lot to say how the child's mind works. Although I am not discrediting her knowledge, I feel some of her thoughts were personally influenced.
I am not saying I did not enjoy her book. I did read from start to finish. I did relate and reflect on some of her suggestions and explanations.
But the whole thing is how you word thing in consequence, not punishment consequence. But, in one section of the book, I can not let go. She preaches no time outs that is damaging your child's brain. No taking items away that is damaging your child's emotional state.
But then.... when it came to video games and electronics, all that is tossed aside. She realizes this and then tries to justify why this is the only case.
I'm a little confused. That sounds like it is a personal twist in her own ways. This one spot of the book got me to think was the rest of her personal preferences or scientific.
It is probably both, and that is ok. But, the way she came off was the world has consequences all wrong and we a damaging our children psychological and emotional.
I did take something ls away from this book. I did look at some things I was doing and thought I could do in another way. This book did have me reflect on myself more. I have put some things she had said into play. They have worked.
But, I will continue to use time out. Not those words, but take space to reflect on our actions. Then, take time to discuss our actions. They will also take space of objects to reflect on actions.
I... my opinion... I don't think time out or taking objects are bad. I think it's how we approach them.
I am not saying I did not enjoy her book. I did read from start to finish. I did relate and reflect on some of her suggestions and explanations.
But the whole thing is how you word thing in consequence, not punishment consequence. But, in one section of the book, I can not let go. She preaches no time outs that is damaging your child's brain. No taking items away that is damaging your child's emotional state.
But then.... when it came to video games and electronics, all that is tossed aside. She realizes this and then tries to justify why this is the only case.
I'm a little confused. That sounds like it is a personal twist in her own ways. This one spot of the book got me to think was the rest of her personal preferences or scientific.
It is probably both, and that is ok. But, the way she came off was the world has consequences all wrong and we a damaging our children psychological and emotional.
I did take something ls away from this book. I did look at some things I was doing and thought I could do in another way. This book did have me reflect on myself more. I have put some things she had said into play. They have worked.
But, I will continue to use time out. Not those words, but take space to reflect on our actions. Then, take time to discuss our actions. They will also take space of objects to reflect on actions.
I... my opinion... I don't think time out or taking objects are bad. I think it's how we approach them.
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