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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
This prescriptive book shows emotionally abused people how to find help and help themselves; it also shows emotionally abusive people how to stop abusing.
Audio CD
First published September 9, 2002
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1333 people want to read
About the author
Beverly Engel
46 books227 followersBeverly Engel has been a psychotherapist for thirty years, specializing in the areas of abuse recovery, relationships, women’s issues and sexuality. She is also the best-selling author of 20 self-help books, many of which have been featured on national television and radio programs (Oprah, CNN, Ricki Lake, Starting Over) as well as national print media (O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Psychology Today, The Washington Post, The LA Times, and The Chicago Tribune to name a few).
She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).
She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 76 reviews
February 29, 2008
As opposed to The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, this book was fair, even and dedicated to working toward a solution. It explored in depth (or rather, encouraged the reader to explore in depth) the root causes of abuse. It explored the reasons why people become abusive, and why people become targets of abuse. The reasons are remarkably similar.
This book encouraged introspection, rather than blaming. By the most broad definitions, everybody is abusive at some point in their life to some degree. When you recognize that certain behaviors are abusive--or shall we say, they cross a boundary?--you start to see it everywhere. A lot of people cross boundaries with good intentions and with very light hearts. It's understandable and easy to forgive. (Others do so maliciously to control others--and I find that behavior sickening and demeaning.)
This book accentuated the fact that "abuse" is a term which describes an entire continuum of behaviors, from mildly annoying to severely damaging. From that point of view, I found it very uncomfortable because it made me a tad paranoid about myself and other people. A friend would make a sarcastic joke and I would think, "That was abusive" instead of "Good old so-and-so." Or I would snap in frustration at my kids and think, "Was that just discipline? Or was that verbal abuse? Or both? Or neither--maybe just me feeling frustrated and taking it out on them?!?!" I guess that is the point of self help books--to make us think about our lives and relationships in another light, with the goal of using that information to improve things?
I think that this book could be an interesting read for anybody, not just people who have a history of dishing out or accepting emotional abuse. It has a lot of interesting things to think about.
The book starts with some broad defining chapters, then moves on to discuss the root of abuse. It talks about how our world is defined so much in our childhood that trauma in our youth can take years to overcome. Today at my twins' annual checkup, our pediatrician said that this year will be a defining year for the two of them. Many people think of how "normal" life is (for better or worse, I might add) according to how life was when they were about three years old. This makes sense.
The book then has chapters that are checklists for both "how to stop being abused" and "how to stop abusing." It assumes that people want to change for the better and are capable of doing so. This is a big improvement from The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
I easily give this book an A for its coverage of the subject matter and I recommend it as interesting reading to people who are interested in human psychology, interpersonal communication, or those who recognize that something in their past or current relationships is uncomfortable to them. I learned a lot and I think I made some positive changes in my attitude toward others as a result of this book.
P.S. Thanks to my friend "Q" for the book recommendation. It was fun to talk about it with you!
This book encouraged introspection, rather than blaming. By the most broad definitions, everybody is abusive at some point in their life to some degree. When you recognize that certain behaviors are abusive--or shall we say, they cross a boundary?--you start to see it everywhere. A lot of people cross boundaries with good intentions and with very light hearts. It's understandable and easy to forgive. (Others do so maliciously to control others--and I find that behavior sickening and demeaning.)
This book accentuated the fact that "abuse" is a term which describes an entire continuum of behaviors, from mildly annoying to severely damaging. From that point of view, I found it very uncomfortable because it made me a tad paranoid about myself and other people. A friend would make a sarcastic joke and I would think, "That was abusive" instead of "Good old so-and-so." Or I would snap in frustration at my kids and think, "Was that just discipline? Or was that verbal abuse? Or both? Or neither--maybe just me feeling frustrated and taking it out on them?!?!" I guess that is the point of self help books--to make us think about our lives and relationships in another light, with the goal of using that information to improve things?
I think that this book could be an interesting read for anybody, not just people who have a history of dishing out or accepting emotional abuse. It has a lot of interesting things to think about.
The book starts with some broad defining chapters, then moves on to discuss the root of abuse. It talks about how our world is defined so much in our childhood that trauma in our youth can take years to overcome. Today at my twins' annual checkup, our pediatrician said that this year will be a defining year for the two of them. Many people think of how "normal" life is (for better or worse, I might add) according to how life was when they were about three years old. This makes sense.
The book then has chapters that are checklists for both "how to stop being abused" and "how to stop abusing." It assumes that people want to change for the better and are capable of doing so. This is a big improvement from The Verbally Abusive Relationship.
I easily give this book an A for its coverage of the subject matter and I recommend it as interesting reading to people who are interested in human psychology, interpersonal communication, or those who recognize that something in their past or current relationships is uncomfortable to them. I learned a lot and I think I made some positive changes in my attitude toward others as a result of this book.
P.S. Thanks to my friend "Q" for the book recommendation. It was fun to talk about it with you!
October 19, 2022
EDIT: I finally found non-abusive, insightful and nuanced books on the topic as it relates to my experiences: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
With that I am able to give this book the score I really feel it deserves.
Original review
The most balanced, informative, and reasonable book on the subject I've found so far. Sadly that does not say much. It contains an abundance of quite problematic quotes such as this one:
"The information and exercises in this section will underscore the fact that an abusive childhood lies at the core of your current situation. While some of you may be more resistant to understanding this truth than others, try to be as open as you can to the possibility."
She talks about how you as the reader needs to "be open to the possibility" so that you can understand "the fact" and "this truth". The fact and the truth that she knows your reality better than you do. For every single reader without qualification. This in a book that talks about just how emotionally abusive it is to try to define someone else's reality for them. How it is literally crazy-making.
Or how about this doozy? "The simple truth is you would not be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you didn't have a prior history of abuse or neglect."
This book badly needs for the many formulations similar to the two above to be completely eliminated and replaced with non-abusive, non-delusional, statements such as "If X is true for you, then odds are very high that Y is the case for you. Please give serious consideration to the possibility that this may be the case for you.".
And to add insult to injury the book follows up with "proofs" that are very similar to horoscope logic. It goes something like this: List the general characteristics of your current abuser. Compare them to the parents in your family of origin. Are they similar to either or both parents if you squint and equate similar characteristics? If yes than you have probably found your original abuser. Are they perhaps not at all similar? Wow, then you are sure to have found your original abuser since this is an even more sure sign!
The abundance of blatant boundary violations, over generalization, and "logic" such as the example above should mean an instant 1 star score. The only reason it stays at 3 stars is that it is, sadly, the best book I've found on the subject so far. The others I've found seem like cartoonish good vs evil stories with boundary violations that make the ones in this one seem like nothing, and logic that makes this book seem like the height of scientific discourse.
With that I am able to give this book the score I really feel it deserves.
Original review
The most balanced, informative, and reasonable book on the subject I've found so far. Sadly that does not say much. It contains an abundance of quite problematic quotes such as this one:
"The information and exercises in this section will underscore the fact that an abusive childhood lies at the core of your current situation. While some of you may be more resistant to understanding this truth than others, try to be as open as you can to the possibility."
She talks about how you as the reader needs to "be open to the possibility" so that you can understand "the fact" and "this truth". The fact and the truth that she knows your reality better than you do. For every single reader without qualification. This in a book that talks about just how emotionally abusive it is to try to define someone else's reality for them. How it is literally crazy-making.
Or how about this doozy? "The simple truth is you would not be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you didn't have a prior history of abuse or neglect."
This book badly needs for the many formulations similar to the two above to be completely eliminated and replaced with non-abusive, non-delusional, statements such as "If X is true for you, then odds are very high that Y is the case for you. Please give serious consideration to the possibility that this may be the case for you.".
And to add insult to injury the book follows up with "proofs" that are very similar to horoscope logic. It goes something like this: List the general characteristics of your current abuser. Compare them to the parents in your family of origin. Are they similar to either or both parents if you squint and equate similar characteristics? If yes than you have probably found your original abuser. Are they perhaps not at all similar? Wow, then you are sure to have found your original abuser since this is an even more sure sign!
The abundance of blatant boundary violations, over generalization, and "logic" such as the example above should mean an instant 1 star score. The only reason it stays at 3 stars is that it is, sadly, the best book I've found on the subject so far. The others I've found seem like cartoonish good vs evil stories with boundary violations that make the ones in this one seem like nothing, and logic that makes this book seem like the height of scientific discourse.
October 11, 2011
I had hoped that by reading this book to gain a little more clarity on everything that has happened. While it helped reinforce what an abusive relationship looked like, it wasn't as proficient at helping figure out what they next steps were except for a few cases with specific qualifications. This book would probably be most useful for intimate relationships rather than any other kind of abusive dynamic.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship takes a look at both the abuser and the victim. It offers techniques and help for both on improving the relationship. Each chapter is set into two parts, one for the victim figuring out if they are being abused, and the other for the abuser figuring out if they are abusing someone. The first part deals with actually putting a label on the abuse. The next tries to show why someone might abuse/allow themselves to be abused. Next is how to prevent the abuse from happening on both sides. The last part is where to go from here after reading this book.
I found the book very helpful in the first part when it outlines whether or not you are in an abusive relationship or not or if you are abusing something. The checklists are easy to follow and spell out why something is or isn't abuse. It was the next part that I had some trouble with. The author insists that abusers/victims all have some original abuser in the past and you have to come to terms with that abuse before healing this abuse. The problem with that is, what about those people who didn't have abusive childhoods but still find themselves victims of abuse? There are no other alternatives in this book so those in this situation find themselves floundering trying to figure out why they “let” themselves be abused. And that is another problem, no one purposely seeks out an abusive relationship but this author seems to think they do. Often abusers are on their best behavior for the first few weeks, months, years and then escalate when major life changes like buying a house or marriage come into the picture.
Stopping the Abuse is also a very dangerous part as it suggests confronting your abuser head on with this knowledge. This can be both physically and mentally endangering as often times abusers don't care or want to admit their behavior and will take out their anger at the accusal on the victim. This chapter may be more helpful for abusers looking to improve themselves rather than victims looking to stop the abuse. This part does have a nice section on personality disorders though and identifying if the abuser or victim may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Not the best book since it seems to blame the victim for entering the relationship and then advises several unsafe things for them to do. May be good as an identifier for an abusive relationship but not as a cure all. It also has some handy resources for books, websites, etc. in the back although some of the websites are no longer in service.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Copyright 2002
255 pages
Review by M. Reynard 2011
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship takes a look at both the abuser and the victim. It offers techniques and help for both on improving the relationship. Each chapter is set into two parts, one for the victim figuring out if they are being abused, and the other for the abuser figuring out if they are abusing someone. The first part deals with actually putting a label on the abuse. The next tries to show why someone might abuse/allow themselves to be abused. Next is how to prevent the abuse from happening on both sides. The last part is where to go from here after reading this book.
I found the book very helpful in the first part when it outlines whether or not you are in an abusive relationship or not or if you are abusing something. The checklists are easy to follow and spell out why something is or isn't abuse. It was the next part that I had some trouble with. The author insists that abusers/victims all have some original abuser in the past and you have to come to terms with that abuse before healing this abuse. The problem with that is, what about those people who didn't have abusive childhoods but still find themselves victims of abuse? There are no other alternatives in this book so those in this situation find themselves floundering trying to figure out why they “let” themselves be abused. And that is another problem, no one purposely seeks out an abusive relationship but this author seems to think they do. Often abusers are on their best behavior for the first few weeks, months, years and then escalate when major life changes like buying a house or marriage come into the picture.
Stopping the Abuse is also a very dangerous part as it suggests confronting your abuser head on with this knowledge. This can be both physically and mentally endangering as often times abusers don't care or want to admit their behavior and will take out their anger at the accusal on the victim. This chapter may be more helpful for abusers looking to improve themselves rather than victims looking to stop the abuse. This part does have a nice section on personality disorders though and identifying if the abuser or victim may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Not the best book since it seems to blame the victim for entering the relationship and then advises several unsafe things for them to do. May be good as an identifier for an abusive relationship but not as a cure all. It also has some handy resources for books, websites, etc. in the back although some of the websites are no longer in service.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Copyright 2002
255 pages
Review by M. Reynard 2011
May 22, 2016
Emotional abusers use only three weapons: fear, obligation and guilt (so watch for those three critical red flags). These abusers are lazy; they will quickly want to affect how you perceive yourself so you will also partly be doing their work for them. It’s like getting to be your own prison guard, only without the free health insurance. When these people deliberately try to ruin your life in a sustained way, that is called Malevolent Abuse. They all have one big shining thing that defines them; they are ALWAYS the “victim” and they won’t be shy about lying about who is causing them their pain. Think Dick Cheney – He is ALWAYS the victim. Note that someone is always keeping his idea of a perfect world from happening and NEVER that he might simply be projecting like a common sociopath by actually keeping our perfect world from happening. The poor baby! ☺
Most of us have found ourselves at some point as a victim of emotional blackmail, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse, and so it’s a lot more fun to turn the tables instead and for us to identify all the kinds of emotionally abusing people and show what to do with them as Beverly Engel does in this great book.
Most of us have found ourselves at some point as a victim of emotional blackmail, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse, and so it’s a lot more fun to turn the tables instead and for us to identify all the kinds of emotionally abusing people and show what to do with them as Beverly Engel does in this great book.
January 7, 2020
This Book is a great support to understand the relationship between victimes and who are abusing them. It's more complexe, relevant than the bunch of Books read in this field which compared abuser=vampire🙃 it's really not the case, and WE Can feel that is the autor's experience like mine. There are few interesting tests to understand our situation, moreover our childhood and our present. I get rid of the word "subconcious" (dont like the Karl Jung's psychology 🤔) but de should recognize his rôle or moreover some pieces of great scientifical experience...for short: be careful, you Can feel Bad or with a stone in a stomach while you'll read this Book. It's my first personal Bad experience in this way.😬bit everyone is different and different life) experience. In this field I really recommand it (the part dealing with bipolar disorder was longer for me but I am not concern).
September 7, 2013
This is the first book I read when I began to suspect my former relationship might have been abusive. It immediately confirmed my fears, but also gave me lots of hope moving forward. It offered a ton of insight on being a child of an abusive parent, and how I was more vulnerable to abuse even though I thought I would never let anyone treat me that way. Engel also offers advice for abusers--she really presents both sides well, and does not cast this evil light on abusers. It certainly helped me realize abusers aren't always intentionally abusive or abusive in a malicious way--which makes it easier to forgive them for their behavior. I appreciate her warnings and advice about how to be aware that you might switch roles from victim to abuser, kind of as a way to prevent yourself from being a victim again. This is certainly a concern of mine, but the book presents lots of exercises that help along the healing process as either a victim of abuse or an abuser.
May 19, 2021
"For the abusive partner, I will present information on how you can prevent future abuse by changing certain behaviors and how to choose a partner who is your equal..."
While the information provided in this book was helpful, it would have been better if it had been split into 2 distinct parts: one for the abuser and another one for the abused, rather than mixing all of the information together. As someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I don't particularly want to hear that the reason for that is that I wasn't my ex partners equal.
While the information provided in this book was helpful, it would have been better if it had been split into 2 distinct parts: one for the abuser and another one for the abused, rather than mixing all of the information together. As someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I don't particularly want to hear that the reason for that is that I wasn't my ex partners equal.
June 1, 2022
I don't think this book should be in print. Its advice is dated and dangerous. Our knowledge of domestic and family violence has come a long way since 2002 yet this has been reprinted as recently as 2021.
The fundamental problem with the book is that it does not define abuse in relation to power. Its definition is subjective and gives no guidance to the discussions that follow.
But there are some other very concerning patterns. For instance, there is a steady pattern of treating abuse as being caused by the abuser and the victim. There is also an illness model of narcissism that just doesn't take it seriously.
The author claims to be a recovered/ing abuser, but clearly has not experienced serious abuse. The result is a book that lacks nuance and sensitivity that is essential to this topic. Honestly, I don't think this book would have made it to the editor's desk in the first place had the publisher not been American which is well behind other countries in dealing with domestic and family violence. There are many good books on this topic. I hope readers will find one of them and leave this one to gather dust. Unless you're a therapist/professional or well along on your road of healing. In which case you may be able to benefit from some of the insights without being harmed by the problems.
The fundamental problem with the book is that it does not define abuse in relation to power. Its definition is subjective and gives no guidance to the discussions that follow.
But there are some other very concerning patterns. For instance, there is a steady pattern of treating abuse as being caused by the abuser and the victim. There is also an illness model of narcissism that just doesn't take it seriously.
The author claims to be a recovered/ing abuser, but clearly has not experienced serious abuse. The result is a book that lacks nuance and sensitivity that is essential to this topic. Honestly, I don't think this book would have made it to the editor's desk in the first place had the publisher not been American which is well behind other countries in dealing with domestic and family violence. There are many good books on this topic. I hope readers will find one of them and leave this one to gather dust. Unless you're a therapist/professional or well along on your road of healing. In which case you may be able to benefit from some of the insights without being harmed by the problems.
October 1, 2020
Honestly some of the advice in this book frightened me. Some of the talking points for confronting your abuser are quite pointed and provocative to the point I would be afraid if them pushing the abuser over into violence. Certainly not something to be done with anyone with a history of being emotionally and physically abusive...
August 3, 2022
The orthodoxy when it comes to domestic abuse, including emotional abuse, is that it's mostly perpetrated by men and against women. Well: it's rubbish. Women are as likely to engage in coercive, controlling behaviours as men are, and this book perfectly reckons with it.
Beverly Engels, of course, outlines what emotional abuse is; why abusers behave the way they do; why their victims 'put up' with it; and how can such toxic interpersonal dynamics can be handled. More to the point: Beverly Engels, also, is a woman who -to her own recognition- was an emotional abuser herself, having been abused by yet another woman -her mother. Such insight might not sounds like much; yet, in a climate whereas abuse is being understood as being mostly the product of men (Lundy Bancroft's best sellers, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, being symptomatic of such mumbo jumbo having gone mainstream...) it's a view, going against the grain, which is more than helpful and enlightening! This book, then, doesn't adopt a counter-productive and useless gendered approach.
Having said that, one has to be clear as to what type of couples might benefit: those where the abuser is not aware of being abusive, but is loving and open enough to be able to admit to their own failing. This, again, may concern a lot of 'controlling' women, not aware that their behaviours are, indeed, abusive...
Victim, abuser, or both, this book surely contains insights to help you out!
Beverly Engels, of course, outlines what emotional abuse is; why abusers behave the way they do; why their victims 'put up' with it; and how can such toxic interpersonal dynamics can be handled. More to the point: Beverly Engels, also, is a woman who -to her own recognition- was an emotional abuser herself, having been abused by yet another woman -her mother. Such insight might not sounds like much; yet, in a climate whereas abuse is being understood as being mostly the product of men (Lundy Bancroft's best sellers, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, being symptomatic of such mumbo jumbo having gone mainstream...) it's a view, going against the grain, which is more than helpful and enlightening! This book, then, doesn't adopt a counter-productive and useless gendered approach.
Having said that, one has to be clear as to what type of couples might benefit: those where the abuser is not aware of being abusive, but is loving and open enough to be able to admit to their own failing. This, again, may concern a lot of 'controlling' women, not aware that their behaviours are, indeed, abusive...
Victim, abuser, or both, this book surely contains insights to help you out!
December 18, 2014
According to therapist Engel (Partners in Recovery), "even the most loving person" is capable of emotional abuse that is, "any non-physical behavior designed to control, intimidate, subjugate, demean, punish, or isolate." In a reasoned, sensible tone, she encourages readers to become responsible for their behavior and for changing it. Identified are ten "patterns of abuse" (verbal assault, character assassination, etc), different kinds of abusive relationships, action steps for cessation, and suggestions for recovery. Using dense writing and cogent examples, Engel clearly shows how this type of abuse, either intentional or unconscious, leads to low self-esteem and misery for one or both partners. A difficult and draining yet important read for those who suspect that their relationship has entered abusive territory, this book is highly recommended. For books on remedying less severe marital stresses, try Howard Markman and others' hokey but well-intentioned Fighting for Your Marriage.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
Find reviews of books for men at Books for Dudes, Books for Dudes, the online reader's advisory column for men from Library Journal. Copyright Library Journal.
September 12, 2016
So the person that has Emotionally Abused my wife makes it hard for me to read this. Seeing I had to face what I've done. We have been married for 19 years, we have been together for 22 years and we are looking at getting divorced. We are looking at the end of our relationship. I'm trying to correct my ways of interacting with her. I'm trying to get treatment. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if she's going to just walk away one day. I hope one day to show her I can and have changed. Thank you to Beverly Engel for something me how I can do it.
March 2, 2017
I've been able to reference this book in my psychology and nursing classes now. It's a fantastic read.
October 18, 2021
Offers a lot of material for reflection. Unfortunately, does not adopt a cultural, systemic approach, and leaves the conversation in the realm of the private, personal. In other words, if something is wrong or needs to be fixed, it can be located somewhere in yourself, your partner, or your parents. This misses the bigger contexts and ongoing inequalities between genders. Without this analysis, emotional abuse in men v women takes on merely a biological difference, rather than how power operates in societies and enables or protects abuse, and or shames and silences "victims".
October 17, 2021
This really is great. You have to stick with it because sometimes it’s too painful to read. It’s great information for those who have been abused, who have abused and for those who know someone who has been abused. There are good exercises in the book. It is also presented in a loving way. There is hope given to those who abuse. There is hope given to those who have been abused. It isn’t overly critical to the point where it’s just too hard to read because it offers no hope. There is hope; if you choose to stay or if you choose to leave. Probably one of the most non biased books I’ve read on abuse thus far
November 6, 2023
Ok, all my toxic books are starting to blur together now, and I'm struggling to tell them apart to write different reviews on them!
This one is very good for tackling some of the underlying attitudes and thoughts that drive abuse - however I do have a brief caution as there is a lot about recovering from abuse and "fixing" a relationship which is often an impossibility if the abuser doesn't do the correct work.
This one is very good for tackling some of the underlying attitudes and thoughts that drive abuse - however I do have a brief caution as there is a lot about recovering from abuse and "fixing" a relationship which is often an impossibility if the abuser doesn't do the correct work.
November 19, 2022
Excellent to provide some understanding and really do self work. Downside is focused on the negative and a truly emotionally abusive person cannot handle this book.
March 14, 2013
This book has the some of the best systematic approach to addressing how one may have developed inconsistent boundaries and negative messages from an incomplete upbringing. The author's compassion and empathy for people whether they're "survivors" or "abusers" is refreshing. She recognizes that people are only able to cause great pain because they've experienced pain.
I would recommend reading through the book with an open mind regardless of whether you're approaching it as someone who feels abused, is the abuser or just curious about what makes those kinds of interactions. We all can be emotionally abusive when pressed just right, and Engel's matter-of-fact and nurturing explanations really guides you to gain understanding and responsibility for things you hadn't considered before.
She uses questionnaires, lists and example interactions to guide you through various concepts and action steps for building your own sense of self-esteem, self-awareness, and boundaries. She also breaks down some helpful descriptions for Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or tendencies) and has approaches for recognizing those traits in yourself, in someone else and what either person can do about it to enact change.
Overall, it's a great book for learning about how to navigate expressing yourself in areas you feel vulnerable, whether you're in an emotionally abusive relationship or not. As a bonus, it teaches you how to notice, prevent, and manage potentially abusive behavior in yourself and others, too.
Warning note -- this book should be primarily used for those who find themselves in frustrating and confusing situations, not one where you are in physical danger or turned irrevocably toxic. If you read the chapter on whether you should leave or not, they emphasize that physical abuse is a sign to end the relationship and seek counseling. The book is geared more towards understanding the abuser rather than bolstering the "survivors" self-esteem into leaving a dangerous situation. It takes a good sober look at all the factors involved in a relationship becoming abusive, so it may have more discussion over why the "survivor" could be seeking out relationships such as these than some people are comfortable dealing with in their recovery stages.
I would recommend reading through the book with an open mind regardless of whether you're approaching it as someone who feels abused, is the abuser or just curious about what makes those kinds of interactions. We all can be emotionally abusive when pressed just right, and Engel's matter-of-fact and nurturing explanations really guides you to gain understanding and responsibility for things you hadn't considered before.
She uses questionnaires, lists and example interactions to guide you through various concepts and action steps for building your own sense of self-esteem, self-awareness, and boundaries. She also breaks down some helpful descriptions for Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or tendencies) and has approaches for recognizing those traits in yourself, in someone else and what either person can do about it to enact change.
Overall, it's a great book for learning about how to navigate expressing yourself in areas you feel vulnerable, whether you're in an emotionally abusive relationship or not. As a bonus, it teaches you how to notice, prevent, and manage potentially abusive behavior in yourself and others, too.
Warning note -- this book should be primarily used for those who find themselves in frustrating and confusing situations, not one where you are in physical danger or turned irrevocably toxic. If you read the chapter on whether you should leave or not, they emphasize that physical abuse is a sign to end the relationship and seek counseling. The book is geared more towards understanding the abuser rather than bolstering the "survivors" self-esteem into leaving a dangerous situation. It takes a good sober look at all the factors involved in a relationship becoming abusive, so it may have more discussion over why the "survivor" could be seeking out relationships such as these than some people are comfortable dealing with in their recovery stages.
December 22, 2017
I began this book with the hope of learning strategies to deal with my former husband who quite clearly is an emotional abuser. I was already aware that he had suffered emotional, verbal and some physical abuse in his childhood. I found it enlightening that I have also started to use some emotionally abusive attitudes. Particularly in the two past relationships I had after my divorce, I chose partners I felt were beneath me quite possibly so that I would feel in control of the relationship. As I would like to begin a new relationship with someone that I do admire, I would like to control these tendencies that I have developed. I also do not under any circumstances want to use this behavior with my son. That was also another reason I wanted to learn about coping with emotional abuse, because it is clear my son is already a victim of his father’s pattern.
Ms. Engel then goes on to describe patterns of verbal abuse with examples from her practice. I noticed that I was physically stressed reading this chapter as I recognized most of the patterns from my own experience; particularly the part about sexual harassment. My former husband demanded sexual acts and practices from me that I found humiliating, to the point that I wept with shame when he decided to divorce me. I thought that my acts were so disgusting that no other person could ever possibly want to be with me.
The following chapter discussed different types of emotional abuse. I was particularly enlightened by her identifying a “set-up” tactic where one partner creates situation to upset the other. Now that my former husband no longer lives with me, this is the predominant manner that he devises against me. He refuses to take my phone calls and does not respond when I leave urgent messages concerning our son. He does not respond when I call to speak to our son during his visitation. On more than one occasion I have left rather ominous messages, though the one I can think of off the top of my head is “I guess I will show up at every orthopedic practice in Arlington Heights since you are refusing to give me the doctor’s name.” I am glad to identify this, now I can make attempts not to play my former husband’s demeaning games. I do however find that this book is increasing my disrespect and loathing for my former husband. While I am aware that he is a product of his own upbringing, to learn of these tactics and behaviors show me the true depths and lengths my former husband is willing to engage in his attempt to continue to control me. I am truly worried for my son.
In order to understand why the reader keeps repeating patterns, Ms. Engel provides exercises which analyze abuse history in childhood. I listed my mother, father and my brother Andy as abusers, but in order to establish a primary or original abuser, the author asks you to compare characteristics. I used my former husband as the comparison as it is my current engagements with him that sought me to seek out this book. I was very surprised that the person my former husbands shares the most commonalities with is my brother! Ms. Engel explains people have a tendency to seek out people like their original abuser in order to re-work the relationship with a more positive outcome, though the outcome is more often than not, a re-hashing of the same type of abuse. After reflection, my brother as my original abuser makes sense. It is no secret that I am drawn to “Peter Pan” personalities; people who are fun playmates but who are irresponsible. It is clear to me now that I seem to want to re-capture the innocence of childhood. My beloved confidante using me as a sexual object was for me, the ultimate betrayal. It does explain why I allow myself to be used for sex so easily. I seem to believe that sexual degradation is normal and to be expected.
The next chapter begins with strategies to stop the abuse. The tactic I particularly liked was identifying boundaries. It is quite empowering to outline behaviors you will no longer tolerate. Knowing that chronic abusers will challenge boundaries, Ms. Engel suggests firmly stating, “You have the right to your point of view, but I’m going to stand by what I said. I don’t like to be treated this way.” I felt so strongly about this positive statement that I am trying to commit it to memory to use with my former husband.
Ms. Engel acknowledges the abuser as a victim of abuse themselves. While I have been guilty of some abusive behaviors, it is clear to me I that I am so afraid of becoming like my mother, that I prefer to be the recipient of abuse. However, the exercises for abusers did engage my empathy. I know my former husband’s past, he too clearly was abused, and he just made different choices than me. Neither one of us had any knowledge of a healthier way to be.
The chapter for couples really requires both parties to participate. That will never be the situation with my former husband. Divorce is truly worse than death, because unlike death which is an ending, with divorce with children, there will never be an end. Marriage with children truly is until death do you part. The advice of walking away from a partner’s blowup is good advice. I will no longer passively take Tim’s abuse.
Next, Ms. Engel discusses personality disorders. My former husband has often been referred to as a Narcissist, but I learned he has many of the symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder as well. Whether he suffers from one or both of these disorders the behaviors he constantly displays makes him extremely difficult to handle. I have found this book enlightening; however it seems to be geared towards couples who wish to stay together. Applying some of her suggestions will beneficial, but I want to create more space and boundaries, not intimacy.
I decided to skip the chapters on living with people with personality disorders and the chapter on deciding to stay. Instead I proceeded to learning how not to continue this in the future, as that was a goal of mine. I particularly liked the exercise that gets you to think about what behaviors you will no longer tolerate. Ms. Engel also advises not jumping into relationships too quickly and to take them very slow so that you can better determine whether or not the personality you are seeing on a date is merely a front for the abuser underneath. It certainly helps one feel empowered.
The final chapter reminds both victim and abuser of the secret needs not being met. She suggests discovering what is missing and providing these things for yourself, rather than trying to find them in someone else.
Ms. Engel then goes on to describe patterns of verbal abuse with examples from her practice. I noticed that I was physically stressed reading this chapter as I recognized most of the patterns from my own experience; particularly the part about sexual harassment. My former husband demanded sexual acts and practices from me that I found humiliating, to the point that I wept with shame when he decided to divorce me. I thought that my acts were so disgusting that no other person could ever possibly want to be with me.
The following chapter discussed different types of emotional abuse. I was particularly enlightened by her identifying a “set-up” tactic where one partner creates situation to upset the other. Now that my former husband no longer lives with me, this is the predominant manner that he devises against me. He refuses to take my phone calls and does not respond when I leave urgent messages concerning our son. He does not respond when I call to speak to our son during his visitation. On more than one occasion I have left rather ominous messages, though the one I can think of off the top of my head is “I guess I will show up at every orthopedic practice in Arlington Heights since you are refusing to give me the doctor’s name.” I am glad to identify this, now I can make attempts not to play my former husband’s demeaning games. I do however find that this book is increasing my disrespect and loathing for my former husband. While I am aware that he is a product of his own upbringing, to learn of these tactics and behaviors show me the true depths and lengths my former husband is willing to engage in his attempt to continue to control me. I am truly worried for my son.
In order to understand why the reader keeps repeating patterns, Ms. Engel provides exercises which analyze abuse history in childhood. I listed my mother, father and my brother Andy as abusers, but in order to establish a primary or original abuser, the author asks you to compare characteristics. I used my former husband as the comparison as it is my current engagements with him that sought me to seek out this book. I was very surprised that the person my former husbands shares the most commonalities with is my brother! Ms. Engel explains people have a tendency to seek out people like their original abuser in order to re-work the relationship with a more positive outcome, though the outcome is more often than not, a re-hashing of the same type of abuse. After reflection, my brother as my original abuser makes sense. It is no secret that I am drawn to “Peter Pan” personalities; people who are fun playmates but who are irresponsible. It is clear to me now that I seem to want to re-capture the innocence of childhood. My beloved confidante using me as a sexual object was for me, the ultimate betrayal. It does explain why I allow myself to be used for sex so easily. I seem to believe that sexual degradation is normal and to be expected.
The next chapter begins with strategies to stop the abuse. The tactic I particularly liked was identifying boundaries. It is quite empowering to outline behaviors you will no longer tolerate. Knowing that chronic abusers will challenge boundaries, Ms. Engel suggests firmly stating, “You have the right to your point of view, but I’m going to stand by what I said. I don’t like to be treated this way.” I felt so strongly about this positive statement that I am trying to commit it to memory to use with my former husband.
Ms. Engel acknowledges the abuser as a victim of abuse themselves. While I have been guilty of some abusive behaviors, it is clear to me I that I am so afraid of becoming like my mother, that I prefer to be the recipient of abuse. However, the exercises for abusers did engage my empathy. I know my former husband’s past, he too clearly was abused, and he just made different choices than me. Neither one of us had any knowledge of a healthier way to be.
The chapter for couples really requires both parties to participate. That will never be the situation with my former husband. Divorce is truly worse than death, because unlike death which is an ending, with divorce with children, there will never be an end. Marriage with children truly is until death do you part. The advice of walking away from a partner’s blowup is good advice. I will no longer passively take Tim’s abuse.
Next, Ms. Engel discusses personality disorders. My former husband has often been referred to as a Narcissist, but I learned he has many of the symptoms associated with Borderline Personality Disorder as well. Whether he suffers from one or both of these disorders the behaviors he constantly displays makes him extremely difficult to handle. I have found this book enlightening; however it seems to be geared towards couples who wish to stay together. Applying some of her suggestions will beneficial, but I want to create more space and boundaries, not intimacy.
I decided to skip the chapters on living with people with personality disorders and the chapter on deciding to stay. Instead I proceeded to learning how not to continue this in the future, as that was a goal of mine. I particularly liked the exercise that gets you to think about what behaviors you will no longer tolerate. Ms. Engel also advises not jumping into relationships too quickly and to take them very slow so that you can better determine whether or not the personality you are seeing on a date is merely a front for the abuser underneath. It certainly helps one feel empowered.
The final chapter reminds both victim and abuser of the secret needs not being met. She suggests discovering what is missing and providing these things for yourself, rather than trying to find them in someone else.
February 7, 2024
1.5 stars, rounded up. I found that I related to the information contained in the last two chapters of the book, and was frustrated—and at times annoyed—by the rest. I agree with previous reviewers on several points. First, there is a very strong victim-blaming vibe. Second, it makes sense that Engel identifies as someone who has been emotionally abusive in the past, because there is a lot of apologetic language and excusing around abuse. While I can accept that shame plays a part in abusive behavior, I tend to agree with the academically accepted roots of abuse being a desire to control. Finally, I highly disagree that being a victim of abuse ALWAYS stems from shame. Anyone who has been raised (and continues to associate) within a strong religious community and culture will tell you that it’s not shame that keeps you in the abusive relationship. It’s a deeply-held belief that if something is wrong in your relationship, you can save it, and maybe even your partner, if you are willing to sacrifice (be more Christ-like, be more patient, pray more) for the future of your family. At the end of the day, an abuser may feel “seen” and encouraged after reading Engel’s book, but a victim is likely to feel blamed.
August 20, 2024
This was a tough read. I’m sensitive to those who have endured childhood abuse and to read about the various ways it affects us into adulthood is heartbreaking. I was unfamiliar with borderline personality disorder prior to this book and find it to be a heartbreaking condition. This book covers information for both the abuser and the abused. Sadly, I don’t think most people realize they are abusive but this book showed me how to have empathy for them as I previously viewed them as psychological monsters who intended to maliciously harm. I am currently writing a novel about a survivor of emotional abuse and now find myself wondering if I will be able to complete it due to the heavy nature of this book and how real my character feels to me now. As someone who works in a school, I find it heartbreaking to realize some of my students will end up in these situations and unhealthy relationships. I think this is a must read and the author handles this tough subject matter brilliantly. It covers narcissistic personality disorder as well but this book was written before gaslighting and narcissism entered mainstream. This self help would benefit friends and family of abuse victims as well and even those who have left the relationship but still need healing.
March 10, 2016
So many times when I read books about emotionally abusive relationships the author paints the abuser as a monster. While people who abuse do hurt and scar their victims irreparably, I loved that this book gave hope and outlined treatments for people who abuse and want to stop.
I read this book as a therapist, even though it is intended to be read by a person who is abused or has been emotionally abusive. I found this book easy to read, insightful, and full of step-by-step guides on how to start your journey toward a more assertive, more fulfilling life without abuse.
This book was good for me to read, too, because although we think of only parent-child and romantic relationship being abusive, I was reminded that even friendships and work relationships can become abusive. It reminded me that I can take charge and set boundaries with people who (whether they intend to or not) are hurtful or bully.
A wonderful book, well worth the price. 5 stars!
I read this book as a therapist, even though it is intended to be read by a person who is abused or has been emotionally abusive. I found this book easy to read, insightful, and full of step-by-step guides on how to start your journey toward a more assertive, more fulfilling life without abuse.
This book was good for me to read, too, because although we think of only parent-child and romantic relationship being abusive, I was reminded that even friendships and work relationships can become abusive. It reminded me that I can take charge and set boundaries with people who (whether they intend to or not) are hurtful or bully.
A wonderful book, well worth the price. 5 stars!
September 8, 2015
This was an occasionally difficult book to read, but it was also informative and approachable, making it very easy to agree with and accept. Sometimes, it got a bit too obvious and explained things a little too verbosely, but it was overall excellent. I hope to add it to my personal collection soon.
June 5, 2016
Full of helpful information for any relationship. I think emotional abuse is a lot more common than we think and can be difficult to identify unless you know what to look for. This book is an excellent resource.
February 1, 2017
I personally loved this book and I think everybody should read it. Yes, even those of you that aren't in a relationship. In this book Engel provides many ways to hope with a past abusive relationship, or even abuse you suffered from as a child.
September 17, 2007
when it draws you down.. u find strength with this book. methodically helpful.
March 15, 2024
This book was named by family therapist jerry Wise who has been a source of information and reading recommendations on dysfunctional behaviours in families. I became aware of Wise after a therapist friend recommended I look into Murray Bowen's Bowen Theory of family systems. The author, Beverly Engel, is a therapist and author of a number of non-fiction books on topics of abuse, relationships, women's issues and sexuality.
This book has a number of merits. I particularly note the ambitious scope of the book, which aims to help people both to stop being abused and to stop abusing. It is striking to read an author who is both a therapist and someone who, through her studies, has self-identified as having narcissistic traits and as having worked to ensure she neither abuses nor tolerates abuse.
Engel's material is well organised into sections, identifying how to identify and understand emotional abuse, how to stop the abuse and how to continue to recover over time. You could say it covers all the ground. Reading through her material I found some interesting insights that prompted exploration for me, such as why people criticise, and how patterns transfer from one generation to the next. Her insights into why people abuse were particularly helpful to me, recognising that people do not set out to abuse and exploring the origins of abuse.
It has become rather fashionable to say or imply that someone who abuses is a "baddy" and someone who is abused is somehow the "goody". Engel avoids this distinction and handles questions of responsibility with great care. She names that some abuse stems from having a personality disorder, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, exploring each of these conditions in turn. In doing so, she identifies that the person with the disorder is also suffering, whilst still recognising that they are responsible for their own behaviour. She also names that the person being abused is in no way responsible for the abuse they are suffering. At the same time, she identifies where our responsibilities lie if we are being abused; in setting boundaries, in deciding whether to stay in a relationship and for our own recovery and further development.
Occasionally, I found myself out of synch with Engel's thinking. I would be curious to read her book The Power of Apology to get under the skin of her approach; her brief mentions here raised unanswered questions for me. And at one point, her invitation to parents not to use physical punishment with their children made me wonder if she tolerates other forms of punishment. These concerns, together with a sense that the book, by its end, was becoming a bit repetitive, made me give a four rather than a five rating.
Engel's book focuses on couples, but has wider application; the points she makes mostly apply in wider relationships with friends, family and even colleagues.
This book has a number of merits. I particularly note the ambitious scope of the book, which aims to help people both to stop being abused and to stop abusing. It is striking to read an author who is both a therapist and someone who, through her studies, has self-identified as having narcissistic traits and as having worked to ensure she neither abuses nor tolerates abuse.
Engel's material is well organised into sections, identifying how to identify and understand emotional abuse, how to stop the abuse and how to continue to recover over time. You could say it covers all the ground. Reading through her material I found some interesting insights that prompted exploration for me, such as why people criticise, and how patterns transfer from one generation to the next. Her insights into why people abuse were particularly helpful to me, recognising that people do not set out to abuse and exploring the origins of abuse.
It has become rather fashionable to say or imply that someone who abuses is a "baddy" and someone who is abused is somehow the "goody". Engel avoids this distinction and handles questions of responsibility with great care. She names that some abuse stems from having a personality disorder, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, exploring each of these conditions in turn. In doing so, she identifies that the person with the disorder is also suffering, whilst still recognising that they are responsible for their own behaviour. She also names that the person being abused is in no way responsible for the abuse they are suffering. At the same time, she identifies where our responsibilities lie if we are being abused; in setting boundaries, in deciding whether to stay in a relationship and for our own recovery and further development.
Occasionally, I found myself out of synch with Engel's thinking. I would be curious to read her book The Power of Apology to get under the skin of her approach; her brief mentions here raised unanswered questions for me. And at one point, her invitation to parents not to use physical punishment with their children made me wonder if she tolerates other forms of punishment. These concerns, together with a sense that the book, by its end, was becoming a bit repetitive, made me give a four rather than a five rating.
Engel's book focuses on couples, but has wider application; the points she makes mostly apply in wider relationships with friends, family and even colleagues.
August 21, 2021
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship : How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel is a refreshing take on understanding toxic relationships. The book is categorized into 3 sections- Identifying & understanding Emotional Abuse (EA), Part 2 talks about Stopping the Abuse & Part 3 covers the future steps.
📍Book has a plethora of questionnaires/exercises for self-reflection that helps you face the hard truth. 🤔
📍I could see the warmth & sensitivity of Beverly in her writing. She is not biased and doesn’t chastise the abuser rather she is compassionate and encourages both the partners to explore & be non-judgemental of the abuser.😌
📍She does not assume that the abuser is always a male and interchangeably uses ‘he’ and ‘she’ to normalize that even men can be victims of EA.🙋♂️ It can be confusing and break the flow for some. So watch out for that.
📍I found most of the examples to be focused on Heterosexual couples. It could have been more inclusive.👬🌈
📍Though she accentuates various kinds of abuse that set the stage for being an abuser or abused, I resist the urge to concur that everyone involved in this tango has an abusive history. It may be true for many, but not for all.🤷♀️
📍She would not leave you hanging but rather would help you figure out an action plan i.e. whether to stay or leave the relationship. ✅
📍The best part of the book is that she recommends movies that depict the topic she is discussing at the end of each chapter. I made an entirely new list for my weekend! Would you like to have a sneak peek? 🧐
📍Overall, a great book to help you better understand your relationship, gain a better understanding of what kind of relationship is right for you and learn how to exit a toxic partnership.👏👏
📍She also covers two personality disorders that contribute to a significant number of reported emotional abuse cases- Borderline PD & Narcissistic PD. 🙌
📍I liked how her definition of EA covers a wide range of behaviors, not just manipulation as it is portrayed typically.📃
📍She also covers topics like co-dependency, anger, self-esteem & self-care which is a bonus.🙆♀️
📍Book has a plethora of questionnaires/exercises for self-reflection that helps you face the hard truth. 🤔
📍I could see the warmth & sensitivity of Beverly in her writing. She is not biased and doesn’t chastise the abuser rather she is compassionate and encourages both the partners to explore & be non-judgemental of the abuser.😌
📍She does not assume that the abuser is always a male and interchangeably uses ‘he’ and ‘she’ to normalize that even men can be victims of EA.🙋♂️ It can be confusing and break the flow for some. So watch out for that.
📍I found most of the examples to be focused on Heterosexual couples. It could have been more inclusive.👬🌈
📍Though she accentuates various kinds of abuse that set the stage for being an abuser or abused, I resist the urge to concur that everyone involved in this tango has an abusive history. It may be true for many, but not for all.🤷♀️
📍She would not leave you hanging but rather would help you figure out an action plan i.e. whether to stay or leave the relationship. ✅
📍The best part of the book is that she recommends movies that depict the topic she is discussing at the end of each chapter. I made an entirely new list for my weekend! Would you like to have a sneak peek? 🧐
📍Overall, a great book to help you better understand your relationship, gain a better understanding of what kind of relationship is right for you and learn how to exit a toxic partnership.👏👏
📍She also covers two personality disorders that contribute to a significant number of reported emotional abuse cases- Borderline PD & Narcissistic PD. 🙌
📍I liked how her definition of EA covers a wide range of behaviors, not just manipulation as it is portrayed typically.📃
📍She also covers topics like co-dependency, anger, self-esteem & self-care which is a bonus.🙆♀️
November 8, 2024
I did find a lot of the journaling prompts here to be useful, though it relies pretty completely on the same parental blame that I read in most attachment theory or other post-psychoanalytic paradigm self-help books. As someone who for sure was affected as a child by the death of one parent from a surprise bout of terminal cancer, I have a really hard time with the “abandonment” framework, because it relies on identifying emotions (blame, anger) which I simply must conclude (after nearly two decades of talk therapy) I just do not feel. But, trusting that I know what I know about myself and how I feel, and taking the line of inquiry presented with a grain of salt, it’s full of good jumping-off points for inquiry. I was also bending the rules a bit because I actually don’t tend to get into emotionally abusive committed romantic relationships, at least not for very long, but there are regularly emotionally abusive elements to many of my other intimately committed relationships. I found identifying “my type” (the qualities of the kind of person with whom I tend to become emotionally enmeshed in a way that can become abusive) to be very helpful, as well as inquiring about the way the “not-abandonment” may have lead me to feel about myself.
May 16, 2018
I can have close healthy relationships as an emotionally stable and mature person myself and with another emotionally stable and mature adult. I was pretty near giving up before picking up his book.
I now aware that every serious relationship I've ever been a part of was emotionally abusive.
I'm also aware that I began practicing emotionally abusive habits myself as well.
Now I have pretty much every tool I need to choose healthy people, act/relate in a healthy way myself, recognize the warning signs when I'm first beginning to know someone, recognize and do my personal work (which is part of what will allow me to see those early warning signs, not engage, work through and eliminate those abusive habits and tactics I have developed myself and see emotionally abusive relating as a part of my past, no longer current or future relational life).
I now aware that every serious relationship I've ever been a part of was emotionally abusive.
I'm also aware that I began practicing emotionally abusive habits myself as well.
Now I have pretty much every tool I need to choose healthy people, act/relate in a healthy way myself, recognize the warning signs when I'm first beginning to know someone, recognize and do my personal work (which is part of what will allow me to see those early warning signs, not engage, work through and eliminate those abusive habits and tactics I have developed myself and see emotionally abusive relating as a part of my past, no longer current or future relational life).
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