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Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
Writing from firsthand experience, Allison Bottke identifies the lies that kept her, and ultimately her son, in bondage--and how she overcame them. Additional real-life stories from other parents appear throughout the text. A tough-love guide to coping with dysfunctional adult children, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will empower families by offering hope and healing through S.A.N.I.T.Y.--a six-step program to help parents regain control in their homes and in their lives. S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money A = Assemble a Support Group N = Nip Excuses in the Bud I = Implement Rules/Boundaries T = Trust Your Instincts Y = Yield Everything to God
1 pages, Audio CD
First published February 1, 2008
434 people are currently reading
490 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
March 18, 2014
I loved this book. It gave me new tools to use with my adult children. And peace with the decisions I make with them also. Three years after reading this book I still reflect on what I read in her book. Allison used her circumstances and her life choices to show us that as parents it is ok to let our Adult Children go and we can learn how to live our own lives. God is enough! He is capable to change the hearts of our children because he loves them more than we do.
August 30, 2016
Boundaries can be hard to set with anyone. And for those who are followers of Jesus it can also seem “un-Christian”. However setting boundaries in life is important. (See previous boundaries post.) It feels like we’re restricting others. However, when we set boundaries, we also allow the other person to live and grow within their own space. But, if we fail to set boundaries, we let others behave badly and we are prone to resentments. That’s not a recipe for serenity!
How does this work when the boundary is with your adult child?
Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife,” but sometimes the children don’t leave. They might even be taking advantage of their parents generosity. Signs that you may need to set boundaries with your adult child include doing their laundry, paying for their gasoline as they borrow your car, allowing them to live at home without a financial or service agreement (aka rent and chores).
In Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, Allison Bottke powerfully describes how subtly we begin to enable our children by “helping” them. The process of setting boundaries with adult children is difficult. At times it seems harsh. The road is filled with temptations to revert back to giving financial handouts and falling back into patterns of being an enabling parent (Page 11).
Author Allison Bottke helps you find serenity as you regain your SANITY in her book Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is INSANE! If you want something different in your relationship with your adult child, then something needs to change. The serenity prayer asks God for serenity to “accept the things we cannot change (name of your adult child), change the things we can (your name), and wisdom to know the difference”.
And to be honest, I think the problems we’re seeing in our society with adult children not taking responsibility for their own lives are going to continue for a long time. Our society seems to be experiencing an epidemic of dysfunctional adult children. I see it everywhere.
We cannot change another person. We can only change ourselves and how we will respond to the good and bad behavior of our loved ones, who continue to cause us to live in daily pain. (Page 24)
If you are ready and willing to change, take a look at Bottke’s quick start guide to setting those boundaries:
S.A.N.I.T.Y. for Setting Boundaries
S – Stop enabling and stop the flow of money! Enabling may be useful when you are helping someone grow. Enabling that is harmful seeks to solve someone’s problem or “help” (with the best intentions, and often without being asked), to the point of not allowing them to take responsibility for their life and the changes that are needed. Stopping the flow of money is simple — just STOP giving them money! If they make it, they spend it. If you make it, and they spend it, you have made a very comfortable bed no one wants to get up from.
A – Assemble a support group. Setting boundaries is not easy, especially when the person is someone you love dearly. Sometimes all we need is permission to do what we know in our hearts is best. Find people who will support you and not co-sign your enabling behavior. Look for someone who will challenge you, give you wisdom and guidance, and offer you their strength and hope.
N – Nip excuses in the bud. An excuse is “a reason or explanation that defends or justifies a fault or offense”. Reasons don’t change behavior. Behavior changes behavior. Learn to identify an excuse when you hear it, and then call it out for what it is.
I – Implement rules and limits. Consider what your boundaries are, what you are comfortable allowing, and what is non-negotiable. Write it down. Get specific. Next, communicate clearly what the rule or boundary is as well as the consequence of not honoring the rule or boundary. This allows your child to make a choice. Having a choice is freedom. Once you have clearly established your limits, implement and maintain them.
T- Trust your instincts. Setting boundaries in relationships is not like solving a mathematical equation. You will need wisdom and guidance. Ask God to give you a right thought or action. Listen, and then move forward with what you believe is best. You know that voice inside that tells you something isn’t right? That same voice can also tell you what is right. Take the risk and trust it. God’s got your back.
Y – Yield everything to God. It is an act of surrender and acceptance to turn your child over to God. God knows what your child needs in order to realize things need to change in his or her life. He knows how to help them change, if they are willing. Yielding your child to God allows them the opportunity to open themselves to real change. Get out of God’s way and let him work. Pause, and surrender your child to him (over and over again).
We must address four needs on our journey to establishing healthy boundaries with our adult children: The need to overcome the often paralyzing fear of consequences The need to accept that there will be consequences and be willing to live with them The need to prepare for possible consequences—positive and negative The need to focus on the consequences pertaining to our lives, not just the lives of our adult children (Page 172).
For more information about setting boundaries with your adult child check out Bottke’s book Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
How does this work when the boundary is with your adult child?
Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife,” but sometimes the children don’t leave. They might even be taking advantage of their parents generosity. Signs that you may need to set boundaries with your adult child include doing their laundry, paying for their gasoline as they borrow your car, allowing them to live at home without a financial or service agreement (aka rent and chores).
In Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, Allison Bottke powerfully describes how subtly we begin to enable our children by “helping” them. The process of setting boundaries with adult children is difficult. At times it seems harsh. The road is filled with temptations to revert back to giving financial handouts and falling back into patterns of being an enabling parent (Page 11).
Author Allison Bottke helps you find serenity as you regain your SANITY in her book Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is INSANE! If you want something different in your relationship with your adult child, then something needs to change. The serenity prayer asks God for serenity to “accept the things we cannot change (name of your adult child), change the things we can (your name), and wisdom to know the difference”.
And to be honest, I think the problems we’re seeing in our society with adult children not taking responsibility for their own lives are going to continue for a long time. Our society seems to be experiencing an epidemic of dysfunctional adult children. I see it everywhere.
We cannot change another person. We can only change ourselves and how we will respond to the good and bad behavior of our loved ones, who continue to cause us to live in daily pain. (Page 24)
If you are ready and willing to change, take a look at Bottke’s quick start guide to setting those boundaries:
S.A.N.I.T.Y. for Setting Boundaries
S – Stop enabling and stop the flow of money! Enabling may be useful when you are helping someone grow. Enabling that is harmful seeks to solve someone’s problem or “help” (with the best intentions, and often without being asked), to the point of not allowing them to take responsibility for their life and the changes that are needed. Stopping the flow of money is simple — just STOP giving them money! If they make it, they spend it. If you make it, and they spend it, you have made a very comfortable bed no one wants to get up from.
A – Assemble a support group. Setting boundaries is not easy, especially when the person is someone you love dearly. Sometimes all we need is permission to do what we know in our hearts is best. Find people who will support you and not co-sign your enabling behavior. Look for someone who will challenge you, give you wisdom and guidance, and offer you their strength and hope.
N – Nip excuses in the bud. An excuse is “a reason or explanation that defends or justifies a fault or offense”. Reasons don’t change behavior. Behavior changes behavior. Learn to identify an excuse when you hear it, and then call it out for what it is.
I – Implement rules and limits. Consider what your boundaries are, what you are comfortable allowing, and what is non-negotiable. Write it down. Get specific. Next, communicate clearly what the rule or boundary is as well as the consequence of not honoring the rule or boundary. This allows your child to make a choice. Having a choice is freedom. Once you have clearly established your limits, implement and maintain them.
T- Trust your instincts. Setting boundaries in relationships is not like solving a mathematical equation. You will need wisdom and guidance. Ask God to give you a right thought or action. Listen, and then move forward with what you believe is best. You know that voice inside that tells you something isn’t right? That same voice can also tell you what is right. Take the risk and trust it. God’s got your back.
Y – Yield everything to God. It is an act of surrender and acceptance to turn your child over to God. God knows what your child needs in order to realize things need to change in his or her life. He knows how to help them change, if they are willing. Yielding your child to God allows them the opportunity to open themselves to real change. Get out of God’s way and let him work. Pause, and surrender your child to him (over and over again).
We must address four needs on our journey to establishing healthy boundaries with our adult children: The need to overcome the often paralyzing fear of consequences The need to accept that there will be consequences and be willing to live with them The need to prepare for possible consequences—positive and negative The need to focus on the consequences pertaining to our lives, not just the lives of our adult children (Page 172).
For more information about setting boundaries with your adult child check out Bottke’s book Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents
January 5, 2021
Although problems with my adult children are not as severe as the ones mentioned by Allison (drug addiction, prison stints, etc.), I really appreciated her advice and wisdom in helping me to stop coddling my loved ones too much. And to stop my overwhelming guilt when they make wrong choices.
One example of her clear advice: "Keep your heart open and wallet closed."
If you are discouraged, Allison will be your cheerleader. A very, very helpful book.
One example of her clear advice: "Keep your heart open and wallet closed."
If you are discouraged, Allison will be your cheerleader. A very, very helpful book.
September 5, 2023
Highly recommend by several people to give insight into circumstances. Although we don’t have adult children, very very insightful. Good to forward thinking how we can parent in the future differently too.
November 6, 2019
It’s not that I found this book bad, it just wasn’t what I was needing or expecting based on the sample I read. I had to pick this book up twice to finish it. This book is heavily focused on addiction issues and religious beliefs. I fully believe in Let Go and Let God, and I have faith and beliefs that tie in with some more traditional religious guidelines. This was just heavily heavily focused on topics that were not suited for me. I had a really hard time getting through this one.
January 7, 2019
Insightful, wise & challenging words on appropriate relationships with our adult children.
December 13, 2018
This book was harsh. The writer lays a lot of blame on the parents for enabling adult children. There is very little mention of genetics and mental illness, which even her own son clearly had. The writer is a born-again Christian so there was a lot of scripture quoting and advice to rely on God, obviously her way of coping with problems that are way beyond what the average person is capable of handling. I could relate to many of the frightening scenarios/stories she talked about, and there were some great tips throughout the book. I have already had a couple of opportunities to try out her strategies. Looking forward to seeing if they work. It is freeing to release the guilt and the fear as a mother, as I watch my son spiral out of control.
October 30, 2022
This book has truly changed my life. Finally, I have an understanding of why I have repeatedly rescued and enabled my adult child. But more importantly, this book gave me specific action steps to stop the negative and vicious cycle leaving room for love and forgiveness along the way. I no longer feel hopeless and helpless now that I have the knowledge and insight on how to begin taking care of myself and allowing my son to take responsibility for himself. I feel empowered for the first time
June 30, 2018
I liked the book it was very informative, practical and had lots of personal stories plus story's from other people. I was thrilled that I did not need this book because I had already set boundaries with my boys and I kept them. It was freeing to know that I had gone through the experience with out any big mistakes.
February 6, 2024
This was a good book! I highly recommended to all parents of adult children. After reading this book I realized that I enabled my adult children even when they were little kids. There’s a difference in enabling and helping. I now know where I went wrong, I’ve forgiven myself, let go and letting God handle the rest.
February 13, 2018
This is a book for parents who are overwhelmed with the problems that their adult children have and want their parents to fix. She tells you how to guide your child without allowing them to bankrupt or drag you into their messes.
March 22, 2022
Excellent help for parents
I SAW how I have been enabling or trying to control things and this book helped me to learn how to let go.
Scripture references and other materials as well. Very well done.
I SAW how I have been enabling or trying to control things and this book helped me to learn how to let go.
Scripture references and other materials as well. Very well done.
April 3, 2022
Wow! Do you know any enabling parents? If so, this is a must read! Not only does the author explain the manipulate/enable cycle well, but she gives the reader step by step actions to end the cycle and become free of your adult children's consequences.
A must read for parents.
A must read for parents.
January 4, 2024
This book is a huge hug.
This helped me understand a lot of things that my family has been going through. I'm so glad she wrote this book. Also glad to be gaining back my Sanity!
This book is highly recommended.
This helped me understand a lot of things that my family has been going through. I'm so glad she wrote this book. Also glad to be gaining back my Sanity!
This book is highly recommended.
August 31, 2017
This book was written for me. Devoured every page. I highly recommend!
August 19, 2018
Great content, but overly repetitive.
November 6, 2018
Has some great thoughts for parents in setting boundaries
January 5, 2019
This is an excellent book for anyone needing guidance in a spiritual way in setting boundaries with adult children.
December 1, 2019
It did not entirely relate to me but over all it was a book worth reading.
February 5, 2020
Fantastic book!
April 30, 2020
Too much "god" and AA stuff in this book for me!
May 30, 2020
Excellent support. You wont be disappointed with this book.
November 12, 2020
A must read if boundaries are an issue for you. Less biblical than Cloud and Townsend but more so than Whitfield's Boundries in Relationships
March 13, 2022
This is an excellent resource book for parents. I look forward to reading I lay my Isaac Down which is a book referenced numerous times in this book. This book offers hope to all parents.
November 17, 2022
Practical and helpful suggestions!
December 25, 2022
Very hard to read. Very thought provoking.
December 12, 2023
This book had some good advice. It was written with religious perspective but never seemed preachy
November 5, 2024
Wonderful read
This book has helped me tremendously. I am struggling with enabling. You know by her words, she knows your pain. She gets it. She understands. Wonderful advice
This book has helped me tremendously. I am struggling with enabling. You know by her words, she knows your pain. She gets it. She understands. Wonderful advice
March 8, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews