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Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict
'I've seen many parents and adult children grappling with these issues, and this is exactly the book they have all been waiting for.' - Lori GottliebHas your adult child cut off contact with you? How can you heal the pain and start to build a bridge back to them?Labelled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for alienation are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his forty years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.
278 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 2, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 168 reviews
April 5, 2021
If you picked up this book, you are likely an estranged parent/in-law, an adult child who is estranged from their parent(s)/in-law(s), or someone in the support system of one of the aforementioned parties. When reading this book, you may need to remind yourself on more than one occasion that Dr. Coleman's intended audience here is the estranged parent/in-law. Remembering this may ward off some frustration.
Dr. Coleman tries to place the estranged parent into the historical and cultural context of the child that may have contributed to the estrangement. He mentions things such as the sense of individualism that is revered in the US, a child's therapist who either pathologizes the parent (ie the narcissist) or somehow guides the child into believing there were serious issues in their upbringing and how they relate to their parents. He devotes a chapter to the spouse of their child and how that individual either wants the estrangement or empowers the child who may have already wanted one. Coleman has another chapter discussing differences in religious, political and identity-based values. Woefully absent from the contributing causes of estrangement however is abuse. Unfortunately, what little he does write of the issue seems to indicate that the new generation has a more broad understanding of abuse, or may otherwise be quick to use that term to describe a parent's behavior. I don't believe he is malicious here but is rather attempting to get the parent to understand the child's POV. However, this does a huge disservice to adult children who did indeed estrange because of abuse. While generational differences exist between parents and their children, that is not to say that the children are wrong in their assessment of their parents/in-laws behavior. Also, while the narcissistic parent/in-law trope may be popular, what does that do for children who truly do have parents/in-laws with some type of pathology?
What Coleman does well is steer parents/in-laws towards finding the "kernal of truth" in the grievances their children raise. This requires parents to develop the muscle of empathy and self-reflection, to do the work of reconciliation. He also correctly identifies that while it may seem unfair, the brunt of the work must be done by the parent, since the parent-child dynamic is obviously difference from that of a peer. Coleman encourages parents to write a letter of amends, speaking to the truths raised by the adult child. The letter should not contain any justification, condemnation, or reasoning on how the estrangement has hurt them. The sole purpose should be to speak to the heart of the child and being humble to hearing more from the child, if the child is willing to meet with them. Some parents who criticize the book do so because they feel like they are coddling their child. To them I ask "Do you care more about being right or about having a relationship with your child again?"
Coleman also has a chapter on the grandparent/grandchild relationship and how estrangement may be harmful to the grandchild. However, the reasons that he lists can be remedied by having someone else assume that role. This is where the concept of a "Chosen family" may come into play, or the importance of being involved in a community so a child has their village. Due to this simple remedy, his assertion falls flat. He also has an unfortunate section pertaining to grandparents rights and suing the adult child (or surviving spouse) to obtain visitation rights. While the grandparents have a high burden of proof that the estrangement is bad for the grandchild, the process of pursuing the lawsuit in the first place not only ensures that your relationship with the grandchild's parent is over, but will likely cause more harm to the grandchild in the process (kids are remarkable perceptive). I'm shocked that Coleman would even mention this in his book and I hope no grandparent is foolish enough to pursue this except in the rarest of instances.
He ends the book with some encouragement to estranged parents on how they can practice self-compassion and how to navigate difficult social situations. I think he reaches too far in his attempt to empathize and connect with the estranged parent, especially when he writes of estrangement on page 260, "...[being out of contact] allows them time to calm the fuck down about whatever it is they're so upset about, to become more self-reflective about the ways they may be overreacting or blaming us." But what about the many valid reasons for an estrangement, whether it is temporary or permanent? Coleman does little to address those. In fact, he writes on page 262, "And even if you made monstrously terrible decisions with your children, nothing makes you deserving of a life without them in it." Even if the parent was abusive? Strong pass Dr. Coleman. The issue is not that it is just offensive to abuse survivors, it is also misleading to the parent and doesn't speak to the fact that some behaviors do have consequences. Where is the accountability?
Overall, estrangement is a tricky terrain to navigate without a one-size-fits-all approach to resolution (if applicable.) I believe Dr. Coleman offers one approach that may be helpful and applicable to many, but not all, situations. I urge parents/in-laws who are on the receiving end of estrangement to choose the love of their child over the love of themselves and their way. This, I believe, is part of the calling of parenthood and is why it should not be entered lightly.
Dr. Coleman tries to place the estranged parent into the historical and cultural context of the child that may have contributed to the estrangement. He mentions things such as the sense of individualism that is revered in the US, a child's therapist who either pathologizes the parent (ie the narcissist) or somehow guides the child into believing there were serious issues in their upbringing and how they relate to their parents. He devotes a chapter to the spouse of their child and how that individual either wants the estrangement or empowers the child who may have already wanted one. Coleman has another chapter discussing differences in religious, political and identity-based values. Woefully absent from the contributing causes of estrangement however is abuse. Unfortunately, what little he does write of the issue seems to indicate that the new generation has a more broad understanding of abuse, or may otherwise be quick to use that term to describe a parent's behavior. I don't believe he is malicious here but is rather attempting to get the parent to understand the child's POV. However, this does a huge disservice to adult children who did indeed estrange because of abuse. While generational differences exist between parents and their children, that is not to say that the children are wrong in their assessment of their parents/in-laws behavior. Also, while the narcissistic parent/in-law trope may be popular, what does that do for children who truly do have parents/in-laws with some type of pathology?
What Coleman does well is steer parents/in-laws towards finding the "kernal of truth" in the grievances their children raise. This requires parents to develop the muscle of empathy and self-reflection, to do the work of reconciliation. He also correctly identifies that while it may seem unfair, the brunt of the work must be done by the parent, since the parent-child dynamic is obviously difference from that of a peer. Coleman encourages parents to write a letter of amends, speaking to the truths raised by the adult child. The letter should not contain any justification, condemnation, or reasoning on how the estrangement has hurt them. The sole purpose should be to speak to the heart of the child and being humble to hearing more from the child, if the child is willing to meet with them. Some parents who criticize the book do so because they feel like they are coddling their child. To them I ask "Do you care more about being right or about having a relationship with your child again?"
Coleman also has a chapter on the grandparent/grandchild relationship and how estrangement may be harmful to the grandchild. However, the reasons that he lists can be remedied by having someone else assume that role. This is where the concept of a "Chosen family" may come into play, or the importance of being involved in a community so a child has their village. Due to this simple remedy, his assertion falls flat. He also has an unfortunate section pertaining to grandparents rights and suing the adult child (or surviving spouse) to obtain visitation rights. While the grandparents have a high burden of proof that the estrangement is bad for the grandchild, the process of pursuing the lawsuit in the first place not only ensures that your relationship with the grandchild's parent is over, but will likely cause more harm to the grandchild in the process (kids are remarkable perceptive). I'm shocked that Coleman would even mention this in his book and I hope no grandparent is foolish enough to pursue this except in the rarest of instances.
He ends the book with some encouragement to estranged parents on how they can practice self-compassion and how to navigate difficult social situations. I think he reaches too far in his attempt to empathize and connect with the estranged parent, especially when he writes of estrangement on page 260, "...[being out of contact] allows them time to calm the fuck down about whatever it is they're so upset about, to become more self-reflective about the ways they may be overreacting or blaming us." But what about the many valid reasons for an estrangement, whether it is temporary or permanent? Coleman does little to address those. In fact, he writes on page 262, "And even if you made monstrously terrible decisions with your children, nothing makes you deserving of a life without them in it." Even if the parent was abusive? Strong pass Dr. Coleman. The issue is not that it is just offensive to abuse survivors, it is also misleading to the parent and doesn't speak to the fact that some behaviors do have consequences. Where is the accountability?
Overall, estrangement is a tricky terrain to navigate without a one-size-fits-all approach to resolution (if applicable.) I believe Dr. Coleman offers one approach that may be helpful and applicable to many, but not all, situations. I urge parents/in-laws who are on the receiving end of estrangement to choose the love of their child over the love of themselves and their way. This, I believe, is part of the calling of parenthood and is why it should not be entered lightly.
June 3, 2021
tw: sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abuse
I've been happily estranged from my physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive mother for over 11 years. I've helped other adult children of abusive parents estrange. This book obviously isn't for me, I was curious what messages Coleman writes for estranged parents.
I've read as much of this book as I'm going to. Several chapters don't apply to me (grandparents, divorce, addiction) so I skipped them.
Although Coleman does say several important things (e.g. empathize with your adult children, listen to what they say even if it hurts or you disagree, threatening to cut your adult child out of your will doesn't incentivize them to reconcile with you, some parents are just plain dangerous to their adult children, etc) for every one helpful sentence there are several paragraphs undoing it. Coleman doesn't seem aware that parents who molest, beat, burn, starve, and otherwise violently harm their children would be reading his book - at least I hope he isn't aware, as I was chilled by the bit at the end about how such abuse doesn't justify estrangement. If my mother reads this book, she isn't going to get the message "you sexually and physically abused your own child, you're lucky estrangement is all you got" but instead will be told that she wasn't REALLY abusive and it's all in my head because I'm a Millennial. A huge red flag early on was when Coleman quoted Tara Westover from her memoir "Educated" but neglected to mention both the extreme abuse of her childhood and also that Westover has been estranged for years. That kind of unrealistically positive cherry-picking runs throughout the book.
I was impressed by the section on parents who are estranged from their LGBTQIA children. He actually listened to transgender and nonbinary people and he explains these more recent concepts of gender very well! If someone is estranged from their straight/cis parent(s) because of transphobia/homophobia, I recommend only that section of this book. Coleman finally crossed a low bar, and that's the only reason why I'm giving this 2 stars instead of 1
I wish that more estranged parents would read Issendai's "Down The Rabbit Hole" to better understand their situation. http://www.issendai.com/psychology/es...
I've been happily estranged from my physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive mother for over 11 years. I've helped other adult children of abusive parents estrange. This book obviously isn't for me, I was curious what messages Coleman writes for estranged parents.
I've read as much of this book as I'm going to. Several chapters don't apply to me (grandparents, divorce, addiction) so I skipped them.
Although Coleman does say several important things (e.g. empathize with your adult children, listen to what they say even if it hurts or you disagree, threatening to cut your adult child out of your will doesn't incentivize them to reconcile with you, some parents are just plain dangerous to their adult children, etc) for every one helpful sentence there are several paragraphs undoing it. Coleman doesn't seem aware that parents who molest, beat, burn, starve, and otherwise violently harm their children would be reading his book - at least I hope he isn't aware, as I was chilled by the bit at the end about how such abuse doesn't justify estrangement. If my mother reads this book, she isn't going to get the message "you sexually and physically abused your own child, you're lucky estrangement is all you got" but instead will be told that she wasn't REALLY abusive and it's all in my head because I'm a Millennial. A huge red flag early on was when Coleman quoted Tara Westover from her memoir "Educated" but neglected to mention both the extreme abuse of her childhood and also that Westover has been estranged for years. That kind of unrealistically positive cherry-picking runs throughout the book.
I was impressed by the section on parents who are estranged from their LGBTQIA children. He actually listened to transgender and nonbinary people and he explains these more recent concepts of gender very well! If someone is estranged from their straight/cis parent(s) because of transphobia/homophobia, I recommend only that section of this book. Coleman finally crossed a low bar, and that's the only reason why I'm giving this 2 stars instead of 1
I wish that more estranged parents would read Issendai's "Down The Rabbit Hole" to better understand their situation. http://www.issendai.com/psychology/es...
October 17, 2021
Attempted this book and quickly realized this man is an apologist for selfish, abusive parents who feel entitled to their children just because they birthed them. There is no accountability for estranged parents whose children have cut off contact because they continue to purposefully disregard their boundaries and violate their trust. Rather, because the author is himself an estranged parent, it is written from a lens of self-pity and victimhood. Parents who purposefully hurt and continue to hurt their children should not have a place in their lives. Not every adult child who breaks contact with their parent is misguided, we are just more aware of what constitutes abuse and will not allow it, regardless of the “lack of social, economic, and paychological support” the parent had. There’s no excuse for abuse. Every man is the captain of his own ship.
July 21, 2022
On page 5, Coleman writes, "The first time my daughter referred to her stepfather as her other daddy, I almost smacked her across the face." Ugh. Gross. That should have been the clear red flag to stop reading. But like a fool, I kept going. And all I found was more nonsense from this goof. I had to keep reminding myself that Coleman is speaking to a very, very specific audience: Middle and upper class parents of estranged adult children who want to be coddled in their denial and would seek out a self-help book and/or employ Coleman's services in the future. This is not really for adult children. This definitely isn't written for trauma survivors. And based on the exorbitant number of pages about whether to write your adult child out of the will (along with sample letters), this is also clearly not for the poor or working class. Gag me with a spoon. I have graciously given two stars in appreciation of coverage around estrangement in circumstances where gender and sexual identity are disrespected and/or rejected, though again, that page count is less than the space dedicated to wills.
January 8, 2022
I was really excited and interested to read this book. As an adult child who has taken breaks from my parents and one of my sisters, I had a personal connection to the issue. I also have a BF who has been cut off by her 4 daughters. I feel so much empathy for my friend, while at the same time knowing for myself that too much contact with my own family is detrimental to me. Would this book help me make forward progress with my parents? Would it also help me help and understand my friend?
Dr. Coleman's suggestions to parents who have been estranged by their adult children indicate, in many places, an ability to see what might have gone wrong with the relationship with the child. He shows how divorce, other therapists and society/culture can have a direct influence on the increase in this phenomenon. It makes me feel better for my friend, who I think has born the brunt of being cut off by her daughters for these reasons. He has a lot of empathy and sound advice (although maybe not the advice an estranged parent wants to hear), for those parents. He sees them as the underdog, in the weaker power position, since they want a relationship with their kids more than the kids want the relationship with them.
He does not offer as much for adult children. At times, I feel like he is highly critical of them, seeing them as living in a culture where individualism and personal happiness is more important than family ties. He does not acknowledge what I have come to see with myself and my own children at how starved most of us are for our parents' approval. And how painful and traumatic it can be when that approval and love are withheld. I have read many stories of how children long for an abusive parent to love them - I'm not sure Dr. Coleman is as effective in standing in the adult child's shoes, having felt my own longing for my parents' approval and seen my kids' longing for their father's approval, the latter despite severe sexual abuse to them.
In the last paragraph of the book, Dr. Coleman writes "And even if you made monstrously terrible decisions with your children nothing makes you deserving of a life without them in it." This philosophy is implied in many places throughout the book. I wish I had understood that before I started reading, as I completely disagree with that premise. Anyone who can have sex can be a parent. It doesn't make them a good one. From my perspective with my own children, cutting off ties from an abusive parent who continues to deny what he did, only further serves to hurt and wound. His acts were monstrous - and I do think without regret and a desire to make things right - he does not deserve to have them in his life. Each case of estrangement is different and I don't think he effectively captured that there are many legitimate reasons adult children separate from their families and that it truly might be the best thing for them.
Dr. Coleman's suggestions to parents who have been estranged by their adult children indicate, in many places, an ability to see what might have gone wrong with the relationship with the child. He shows how divorce, other therapists and society/culture can have a direct influence on the increase in this phenomenon. It makes me feel better for my friend, who I think has born the brunt of being cut off by her daughters for these reasons. He has a lot of empathy and sound advice (although maybe not the advice an estranged parent wants to hear), for those parents. He sees them as the underdog, in the weaker power position, since they want a relationship with their kids more than the kids want the relationship with them.
He does not offer as much for adult children. At times, I feel like he is highly critical of them, seeing them as living in a culture where individualism and personal happiness is more important than family ties. He does not acknowledge what I have come to see with myself and my own children at how starved most of us are for our parents' approval. And how painful and traumatic it can be when that approval and love are withheld. I have read many stories of how children long for an abusive parent to love them - I'm not sure Dr. Coleman is as effective in standing in the adult child's shoes, having felt my own longing for my parents' approval and seen my kids' longing for their father's approval, the latter despite severe sexual abuse to them.
In the last paragraph of the book, Dr. Coleman writes "And even if you made monstrously terrible decisions with your children nothing makes you deserving of a life without them in it." This philosophy is implied in many places throughout the book. I wish I had understood that before I started reading, as I completely disagree with that premise. Anyone who can have sex can be a parent. It doesn't make them a good one. From my perspective with my own children, cutting off ties from an abusive parent who continues to deny what he did, only further serves to hurt and wound. His acts were monstrous - and I do think without regret and a desire to make things right - he does not deserve to have them in his life. Each case of estrangement is different and I don't think he effectively captured that there are many legitimate reasons adult children separate from their families and that it truly might be the best thing for them.
November 4, 2020
Family estrangement--more common than not.
Sound and illuminating advice for very tricky family situations involving estrangement and broken relationships. No guarantees of reconciliation, but sound suggestions that might give clarity and ways forward towards understanding. Well worth a thorough investigation.
A Rodale ARC via NetGalley
(Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.)
Sound and illuminating advice for very tricky family situations involving estrangement and broken relationships. No guarantees of reconciliation, but sound suggestions that might give clarity and ways forward towards understanding. Well worth a thorough investigation.
A Rodale ARC via NetGalley
(Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.)
October 19, 2021
Whenever I hear about estranged parents, my first thought is to automatically blame the parents and not the child, which is a tunnel vision I was never even quite aware of.
This book shows another side. It was written for the parents whose children estranged them, and therefore it looks more kindly towards the parents than the children. It was very clearly not written for me - I don't even have kids yet, and I love my parents way too much to ever estrange myself from them - but it was a fascinating read nonetheless. Coleman delves deeply into various reasons for estrangement and in all of them, he's pretty kind towards the parents while still recommending them some very solid steps to heal the conflict. There's even a chapter dedicated to LGBTQ+-related reasons for estrangement.
The only question I have about this book is, while Coleman talks at length about his own mistake and the way he got estranged from his daughter, it's never explained how she allowed him back into her life (which has happened, as he states in the book). That bit might've been good to know too, and give him a bit more credibility in his advice. But I digress; Coleman probably has good reasons for not sharing that.
I'd recommend this book to every estranged parent, and perhaps, in my work as a child psychologist, I'll run into a few. Who knows!
This book shows another side. It was written for the parents whose children estranged them, and therefore it looks more kindly towards the parents than the children. It was very clearly not written for me - I don't even have kids yet, and I love my parents way too much to ever estrange myself from them - but it was a fascinating read nonetheless. Coleman delves deeply into various reasons for estrangement and in all of them, he's pretty kind towards the parents while still recommending them some very solid steps to heal the conflict. There's even a chapter dedicated to LGBTQ+-related reasons for estrangement.
The only question I have about this book is, while Coleman talks at length about his own mistake and the way he got estranged from his daughter, it's never explained how she allowed him back into her life (which has happened, as he states in the book). That bit might've been good to know too, and give him a bit more credibility in his advice. But I digress; Coleman probably has good reasons for not sharing that.
I'd recommend this book to every estranged parent, and perhaps, in my work as a child psychologist, I'll run into a few. Who knows!
January 3, 2022
Helpful observations that I hope will help me understand my adult childrens' perspectives, and to navigate/build more successful relationships with them and their spouses. I found the discussions on differences of parenting today vs. the era of my own upbringing ( we got so much less parental attention) to be so obvious but also so enlightening. The question remains: which leads to more/ less dysfunction? Did us being so involved, and wanting our kids to have more, actually have a positive effect on our kids psyche ?
I skimmed over some chapters but found others so engaging that I read this book in a day.
I skimmed over some chapters but found others so engaging that I read this book in a day.
November 18, 2023
I picked up this even though l don't have any estrangement in family but simply l wanted to learn about psychology behind it and l must say it was very well written. There are different types of estrangement covered not just parents/ children but for example: siblings, grandchildren etc. Different causes for estrangement and l think it offers some good understanding of all party involved and ways of reconciliation.
March 19, 2021
Helpful, informed and compassionate, Dr. Josh Coleman has made a career out of helping estranged family members heal--whether they are able to reconcile with their estranged family or not.
I have learned through this book and Coleman's many online workshops that I am far from alone in having been cut off, possibly forever, from my granddaughter.Changing family and parenting norms, coupled with a new empowerment strain of therapy that encourages patients to cut "toxic" and personality-disordered people from their lives, have led to a huge surge in family estrangement.
If you are a parent cut off from your adult children or young grandchildren, Coleman forecasts that the only way to possibly heal the rift is for you to write an abject, groveling, apologetic letter of amends. This sometimes opens a door but not always, so the doctor's subsequent advice is to move on, practice radical acceptance, and build a happy life without your kids or grandkids. Although this can sound impossible when one is caught up in trying to right a wrong, I wish I had gotten this advice sooner. Because I've already written the abject amends and been ignored for two years, I have already reached the radical acceptance stage. I imagine this must be harder for parents who don't want to give up hope-- though Coleman suggests that the more able you are to build your own happy independent life, the more likely your children are to invite you back into their lives. Either way, he makes clear, building a good life for yourself is possible.
I am also listening to seminars Coleman leads on the book contents and that one of his associates is leading on working with your emotions. Both Josh and the associate, Barbra Drizin, have been estranged from their adult children and are now reunited with them, but they are clear that can't be the outcome for everyone. In the language Coleman uses in the book and the seminars, he says things that might anger adult children about how entitled and demanding they are, but in the end his message is that we (the estranged parents) have to listen to our adult children if they are setting limits for our relationship with them, calling us narcissists, telling us we have no boundaries, etc. His message, if adopted, will help more families heal -- and will help more individuals have fulfilling lives, even if their adult kids never come around.
My only issue with the book is that he doesn't say clearly enough how challenging it is to win grandparent visitation in court. Though he definitely says this should only be an absolute last resort, that it will be expensive and bloody and probably permanently damage your relationship with your adult child, I feel he should spell out more clearly the very strict parameters grandparents have to meet to even be heard in court. (Your child has to be dead, you have to have had a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild, the child has to have lived with you for the previous year, and you have to prove the child is being harmed by being cut off from you--not just that it would be good for the child to see you but that actual harm is coming to the child who isn't seeing you.)
I have learned through this book and Coleman's many online workshops that I am far from alone in having been cut off, possibly forever, from my granddaughter.Changing family and parenting norms, coupled with a new empowerment strain of therapy that encourages patients to cut "toxic" and personality-disordered people from their lives, have led to a huge surge in family estrangement.
If you are a parent cut off from your adult children or young grandchildren, Coleman forecasts that the only way to possibly heal the rift is for you to write an abject, groveling, apologetic letter of amends. This sometimes opens a door but not always, so the doctor's subsequent advice is to move on, practice radical acceptance, and build a happy life without your kids or grandkids. Although this can sound impossible when one is caught up in trying to right a wrong, I wish I had gotten this advice sooner. Because I've already written the abject amends and been ignored for two years, I have already reached the radical acceptance stage. I imagine this must be harder for parents who don't want to give up hope-- though Coleman suggests that the more able you are to build your own happy independent life, the more likely your children are to invite you back into their lives. Either way, he makes clear, building a good life for yourself is possible.
I am also listening to seminars Coleman leads on the book contents and that one of his associates is leading on working with your emotions. Both Josh and the associate, Barbra Drizin, have been estranged from their adult children and are now reunited with them, but they are clear that can't be the outcome for everyone. In the language Coleman uses in the book and the seminars, he says things that might anger adult children about how entitled and demanding they are, but in the end his message is that we (the estranged parents) have to listen to our adult children if they are setting limits for our relationship with them, calling us narcissists, telling us we have no boundaries, etc. His message, if adopted, will help more families heal -- and will help more individuals have fulfilling lives, even if their adult kids never come around.
My only issue with the book is that he doesn't say clearly enough how challenging it is to win grandparent visitation in court. Though he definitely says this should only be an absolute last resort, that it will be expensive and bloody and probably permanently damage your relationship with your adult child, I feel he should spell out more clearly the very strict parameters grandparents have to meet to even be heard in court. (Your child has to be dead, you have to have had a pre-existing relationship with the grandchild, the child has to have lived with you for the previous year, and you have to prove the child is being harmed by being cut off from you--not just that it would be good for the child to see you but that actual harm is coming to the child who isn't seeing you.)
April 19, 2023
I found this book to be so helpful and informative as a parent of adult children in today’s culture. It explains how your adult child might be thinking and how to possibly repair a damaged relationship using language that doesn’t come naturally to us, from a different generation. This is not being manipulative; it’s just helping the older generation see where the younger one is coming from, what they’re thinking, how the culture is influencing them, etc. and helps parents be more empathetic to what their adult children are experiencing. The author himself is empathetic to this discord, having experienced fractions in his own family life too. I like when authors have been there! He speaks from real life experience and from what he’s seen in his many years in practice as a psychologist. Here’s a particular quote I liked from the afterword that concludes the book well:
“We need a different conversation in our society, one where not only parents are expected to be empathetic to the harm they did to their children, but where adult children are asked to be empathetic to the harm that they are doing to the parent by cutting them out of their lives.”
This book gives you tools to begin the conversation that will (hopefully) lead to healing. Also, it shows you ways to still find peace if that healing is not forthcoming. Highly recommended for parents of adult children today.
“We need a different conversation in our society, one where not only parents are expected to be empathetic to the harm they did to their children, but where adult children are asked to be empathetic to the harm that they are doing to the parent by cutting them out of their lives.”
This book gives you tools to begin the conversation that will (hopefully) lead to healing. Also, it shows you ways to still find peace if that healing is not forthcoming. Highly recommended for parents of adult children today.
April 27, 2022
Would be a helpful resource to anyone in this gut-wrenching situation. Although I am not part of the target audience, I read it because I want to know how better to have conversations with someone who is on either side of an estrangement situation. It's heartbreaking.
Coleman doesn't lay the blame on either side. He looks at various complicated issues with nuance and understanding. I believe the work he is doing to help people in estranged relationships is really important and only becoming more relevant.
He writes how the family dynamic of today is fundamentally different from that a generation or two ago, and it has come with a lot of expectations and assumptions including a greater expectation of closeness between family members, more pressure to spend more time with your children, less time to do so with more work opportunities (for women), less tolerance of physical or emotional abuse/trauma of any kind, a growing expectation of taking care of oneself and attending to one's own happiness as the greatest goal in life, and more.
He counsels from an empathetic perspective since he went through a period of estrangement with his own daughter. He knows the pain he is talking about because he has experienced it.
Coleman doesn't lay the blame on either side. He looks at various complicated issues with nuance and understanding. I believe the work he is doing to help people in estranged relationships is really important and only becoming more relevant.
He writes how the family dynamic of today is fundamentally different from that a generation or two ago, and it has come with a lot of expectations and assumptions including a greater expectation of closeness between family members, more pressure to spend more time with your children, less time to do so with more work opportunities (for women), less tolerance of physical or emotional abuse/trauma of any kind, a growing expectation of taking care of oneself and attending to one's own happiness as the greatest goal in life, and more.
He counsels from an empathetic perspective since he went through a period of estrangement with his own daughter. He knows the pain he is talking about because he has experienced it.
October 6, 2021
A sympathetic, but pretty objective look at and explanations for the sad, but apparently newly prevalent phenomenon of estrangement of parents and adult children. One take away: the contribution of the individualism movement that is so rampant in (and unique to) the US to this type of estrangement. Something to think about for sure.
June 30, 2022
"If your child actually dies, everyone will feel sorry for you. If your child stops talking to you, everyone will judge you. At least that's what it feels like. That perception will make your ability to properly grieve and take care of yourself far more complicated and difficult... self-compassion is everything." p. 253
If you've ever been estranged from anyone in your life, most especially a child you can understand the heartbreak, confusion, and other emotions that occur. While there are no "one-size fits all" solutions to this type of family problem, this book has many insights that can help parents come to terms with, and find the right type of mindset to begin the healing process.
The first part of the book helps a parent to understand the myriad of reasons for estrangement. The next part of the book deals with how to reconcile with your child. The last part of the book helps heal the pain of estrangement.
It took me 6 months to read and digest this book, because each chapter, and each subheading within the chapters needed reflection. Some chapters didn't relate to my situation, but others left me more depressed and/or angry than before reading them. As Dr. Coleman observes, "One of the biggest obstacles to your ongoing serenity is the idea that being a good mother means continuing to blame yourself and to feel guilty for whatever mistakes you made, or to blame yourself for whatever mistakes your child thinks you made." p. 254
I found this to be helpful in the long run. As Dr. Coleman states, "the path out of hell is through the misery of accepting where you are right now. Right now, you're reading this because you're desperate, you're angry, you're guilt-ridden, worried, ashamed, scared, and scarred. These are powerful messages from your mind: There's something here you should be attending to and not judging." P. 250
Self-awareness, radical acceptance. and self-compassion are the ways to heal in a situation that may be, for now, out of your control...that is if there is no contact or willingness to reconcile on the part of your child. Then, life must go on. Pain is there, but suffering daily need not be. "While the pain of estrangement is enormous, the biggest obstacle isn't the absence of your child; it's the guilt, shame, and inclination to punish yourself. It's your belief that not only could you have done better but that you should have done better." p. 256
Some other insights that ring true, for anyone who is a parent:
"Parenting is a neverending series of small mournings..."p. 112
"Real parenting is a minefield of mistakes. No one gets out without making tons of them." p. 211
Hopefully, you will never experience this heartbreak. If you do see an estrangement looming, seek family therapy with your child! (As Dr. Coleman wholeheartedly recommends.) If this is not possible, then this book is a good start.
If you've ever been estranged from anyone in your life, most especially a child you can understand the heartbreak, confusion, and other emotions that occur. While there are no "one-size fits all" solutions to this type of family problem, this book has many insights that can help parents come to terms with, and find the right type of mindset to begin the healing process.
The first part of the book helps a parent to understand the myriad of reasons for estrangement. The next part of the book deals with how to reconcile with your child. The last part of the book helps heal the pain of estrangement.
It took me 6 months to read and digest this book, because each chapter, and each subheading within the chapters needed reflection. Some chapters didn't relate to my situation, but others left me more depressed and/or angry than before reading them. As Dr. Coleman observes, "One of the biggest obstacles to your ongoing serenity is the idea that being a good mother means continuing to blame yourself and to feel guilty for whatever mistakes you made, or to blame yourself for whatever mistakes your child thinks you made." p. 254
I found this to be helpful in the long run. As Dr. Coleman states, "the path out of hell is through the misery of accepting where you are right now. Right now, you're reading this because you're desperate, you're angry, you're guilt-ridden, worried, ashamed, scared, and scarred. These are powerful messages from your mind: There's something here you should be attending to and not judging." P. 250
Self-awareness, radical acceptance. and self-compassion are the ways to heal in a situation that may be, for now, out of your control...that is if there is no contact or willingness to reconcile on the part of your child. Then, life must go on. Pain is there, but suffering daily need not be. "While the pain of estrangement is enormous, the biggest obstacle isn't the absence of your child; it's the guilt, shame, and inclination to punish yourself. It's your belief that not only could you have done better but that you should have done better." p. 256
Some other insights that ring true, for anyone who is a parent:
"Parenting is a neverending series of small mournings..."p. 112
"Real parenting is a minefield of mistakes. No one gets out without making tons of them." p. 211
Hopefully, you will never experience this heartbreak. If you do see an estrangement looming, seek family therapy with your child! (As Dr. Coleman wholeheartedly recommends.) If this is not possible, then this book is a good start.
August 13, 2024
“And even if you made monstrously terrible decisions with your children, nothing makes you deserving of a life without them.” Read that quote from the book a few more times. It captures what is the bias for the whole book. Is that a statement you agree with? Your answer will determine whether you like this book or not.
There was something vaguely unsatisfying about this book, though I can’t pinpoint exactly what. It is definitely geared towards the estranged parent and that they don’t deserve estrangement. I agree with that to the extent we are talking about past behavior. Less so if it is still ongoing. While he says it is not about the extremely abusive parent, he also gives the impression that there are very, very few who fit in that category. See first line of this review.
I do agree that there is a growing tendency culturally towards even more individualism and to walk away from unpleasant or unsatisfying relationships, even with family, rather than putting in any effort. It is also unfortunate that some therapists have taken up encouraging estrangement. Giving advice is generally not the job of a good therapist. There are certainly many instances where estrangement is an excessive response by a child.
Perhaps what nagged at me was his advice on writing letters to make amends and admitting to mistakes even if you don’t think you made any. It seems disingenuous. He does make the point that parents do need to see the POV of their children and take responsibility for their own behavior in writing the letters, but it still seems off.
There is some good advice and insight into the explanation for and process of estrangement so the book is worth a read. However, it is not all encompassing so don’t be surprised if your specific situation is not covered.
There was something vaguely unsatisfying about this book, though I can’t pinpoint exactly what. It is definitely geared towards the estranged parent and that they don’t deserve estrangement. I agree with that to the extent we are talking about past behavior. Less so if it is still ongoing. While he says it is not about the extremely abusive parent, he also gives the impression that there are very, very few who fit in that category. See first line of this review.
I do agree that there is a growing tendency culturally towards even more individualism and to walk away from unpleasant or unsatisfying relationships, even with family, rather than putting in any effort. It is also unfortunate that some therapists have taken up encouraging estrangement. Giving advice is generally not the job of a good therapist. There are certainly many instances where estrangement is an excessive response by a child.
Perhaps what nagged at me was his advice on writing letters to make amends and admitting to mistakes even if you don’t think you made any. It seems disingenuous. He does make the point that parents do need to see the POV of their children and take responsibility for their own behavior in writing the letters, but it still seems off.
There is some good advice and insight into the explanation for and process of estrangement so the book is worth a read. However, it is not all encompassing so don’t be surprised if your specific situation is not covered.
February 1, 2022
The subtitle of this book, "why adult children cut ties & how to heal the conflict," explains what it is about. It offers reasonable explanations and practical ideas for reconciling. Most of all though, it explains the seismic shift in American culture that allows adult children nowadays to reject their parents for their own happiness, something previous generations wouldn't have dreamed of doing. If today's rejected parents keep operating out of their own generation's point of view, they will not get their adult children back. This was eye opening! It isn't fair, but it's Reality. We need to empathize with the adult child's perspective if we are to make progress toward reconciliation. Many good insights here, including understanding the parents' perspective and how to deal with the pain of Estrangement.
February 10, 2024
Overall, it was translating what younger generations are saying so older generations can hear it without feeling shame. The message is: yep, the younger generations are selfish and up their ass, but there is nothing you can do to make them understand you invested in them. Just give them what they want and move on. There are some chapters that help with letter writing and what a real apology is. That's what gives it the 2 star.
There is no talk of family systems theory, no generational traum discussion... that is what made me want to give it 1 star
There is no talk of family systems theory, no generational traum discussion... that is what made me want to give it 1 star
May 1, 2025
Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman, PhD (2020)
vii+300-page Kindle Ebook
Genre: Nonfiction, Self-Help, Parenting, Sociology, Psychology
Featuring: Alienation, Parent and Adult child, Interpersonal Conflict, Conflict Management, Adult Children, Contents, Author's Note - Names Change and Multiple Families, Introduction, Joint Custody, Can I Save the Relationship with My Estranged Child?, Finding Reconciliation, Teaching Parents A New Language, The Many Pathways to Estrangement - A Parent’s Divorce at Any Age, A Difficult Daughter-in-Law or Son-in-Law, Mental Illness or Addictions in the Child, Their Therapist, Feeling Too Close to the Parent, Disagreements About Choices, Values, and Lifestyles; A Societal Shift - It’s Because You Abused Me and Now I Need to Focus On Myself, Identities Around Suffering; Lose Your Parent, Find Yourself; How to "Break Up" With a Narcissist Parent, Changing the Meaning of Conflict, Individualism, Meritocracy in the Family, Soulmate Parenting, Married, Divorced, Estranged, New Wives/New Lives, Mothers and Stepmothers, Daughters and Stepdaughters; Courts, Lawyers, and Judges; Dealing with Mental Illness and Addiction, Mental Illness, Class & Parenting; Does My Child Have A Personality Disorder, Why Is Ot Just Up To The Parents To Fix It?, Asymmetrical Balances of Power, Misdiagnosing The Parent, Psychotherapy and the Curated Childhood: “My Therapist Says You’re a Narcissist”, Flashpoints: Gender Identity, Sexuality, Religion, Politics, and Personality Clashes; Sons-in-Law, Daughters-in-Law, and the Cult of One; The Troubled Gatekeeper, When Your Child’s Spouse is Against You, Common Mistakes Made With Sin-in-Laws or Daughters-in-Laws, Are Sons More Vulnerable to Estrangement After Marriage?, When Siblings Don’t Want to Be Reconciled and the Parents Do, But Why Cut Off Everyone?, When Siblings Estrange: The Impact on Their Lives and Those Around Them, The Rules of Money and Estrangement: Should I Cut My Child Out of My Will?, An Abusive Child, Why Should My Estranged Child Get as Much as My Non-Estranged Children Who Have Been Nice or Helpful to Me?, I Don’t Want My Daughter-in-Law Getting a Dime After I’m Gone!, Why Do My Kids Only Call Me When They Want Something?, Say Yes or No Without a Guilt Trip, Abandoned Grandparents and the Weaponizing of Grandchildren, Strategies For Change, What if My Parenting Was Normal but I’m Being Treated Like a Criminal in Regard to My Grandchildren?, Should I Sue to See My Grandchildren, Coping Strategies, Interventions, and Your New Normal Chapter; Why Are Letters of Amends Often Helpful in Reconciliation?, The Five Most Common Beliefs That Interfere With Making Amends, The Five Most Common Mistakes In Writing Letters of Amends, Sample Letters, Coping With Holidays, Birthdays, and Weddings; What Should You Say To Others When They Ask About Your Children or Grandchildren, What If the Child Wants Contact with One Parent and Not the Other?, My Estranged Child Is Back: Now What Do I Do?, How Do I Stop Walking on Eggshells?, Steps in Early Reconciliation, The Adult Child’s Perspective: New Rules for Parent–Adult Child Reconciliation, Estrangement and the Pursuit of Happiness, Five Most Common Mistakes of Estranged Parents, Ten New Rules for Parent–Adult Child Relations, How Do I Heal the Pain of Estrangement?, Six Common Myths of Estranged Parents, Forgiveness, Parenting at a Distance, Scripts, Afterword, Notes, Acknowledgments
Rating as a movie: R for profanity and adult situations
Books and Authors mentioned: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along by Joshua Coleman, Affliction by Russell Banks, Educated by Tara Westover, The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children by Alison Gopnik, Pentimento: A Book of Portraits by Lillian Hellman, The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam, On Kindness by Adam Phillips and Barbara Taylor, Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life by Robert N. Bellah, Richard Madsen, and William M. Sullivan; Scholarly articles for Modernity and Self-Identity: Self and Society in the Late Modern Age by Anthony Giddens, For Better Or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered by E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, Lost Children Archive by Valeria Luiselli, Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City by Matthew Desmond, Mark Twain, Cold Intimacies: The Making of Emotional Capitalism by Eva Illouz, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision; Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity by Andrew Solomon, The Book of Woe: The DSM and the Unmaking of Psychiatry by Gary Greenberg, Trans Kids: Being Gendered in the Twenty-First Century by Tey Meadow, My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, The Silver Cord by Sidney Howard, “The Art of Losing My Daughter” by Melanie Gause Harris, Siblings: Brothers and Sisters in American History by C. Dallett Hemphill, The Country of 'Giant Babies': A Domestic Psychologist Examining the Chinese National Character by Wu Zhihong, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, Reading With Patrick: A Teacher, a Student and the Life-Changing Power of Books by Michelle Kuo, The End of American Childhood: A History of Parenting from Life on the Frontier to the Managed Child by Paula S. Fass, Invisible Grandparenting: Leave A Legacy of Love Whether You Can Be There Or Not by Pat Hanson? It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett, The Happiness Curve: Why Life Gets Better After Midlife by Jonathan Rauch, The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today by Andrew J. Cherlin, America the Anxious: Why Our Search for Happiness Is Driving Us Crazy and How to Find It for Real by Ruth Whippman, The Problem with Everything by Meghan Daum
Memorable Quotes: Sad, scared, and pissed off. I assume you picked up this book because those words describe how you feel right now. Sad you haven’t had any contact with your adult child or grandchild, scared you don’t know if you’ll ever see them again, and pissed off because you don’t deserve to be treated this way by your own child, especially one to whom you’ve been so devoted. Or maybe you picked up this book because you’re reeling from the fact that your child wants nothing to do with you and you have no idea why. Or maybe you know that you made some pretty big mistakes but assumed that the conflict was resolvable: “We’ll get over it like we always do, no need to panic,” to “What does he mean, he needs to take a break from our relationship?” to “Wait, how was I not invited to her wedding or the birth of my grandchild?!”
They have listened carefully to their children’s dreams so that they could provision them with the safest, securest path to a happy and successful life. They have lived on a steady diet of worry, guilt, fear, sleep deprivation, and caffeine in order to become the absolute-best-parent-they-could-possibly-be—a goal that has been at the center of their consciousness since before their child was born. Which doesn’t mean that they were free from making mistakes. And to make matters worse, experts keep changing what’s considered ideal parenting every three or four years, so it’s hard to know which kind of mistake they might have made: small and predictable with little smiley faces around the edges? Medium and potentially forgivable with a “Keep Trying” sticker affixed to them? Or large and relationship-ending with a yellow and black hazmat warning?
Ten New Rules for Parent–Adult Child Relations RULE #1: Your adult child has more power than you to set the terms of your relationship because they’re more willing to walk away. Basic game theory: she who cares less has more power. RULE # 2: Your relationship with your adult child needs to occur in an environment of creating happiness and personal growth, not an environment of obligation, emotional debt, or duty. RULE # 3: You are not the only authority on how well you performed as a parent. Your adult child gets to have their own narrative and opinions about the past. RULE #4: Use of guilt trips or criticism will never get you what you want from your adult child, especially if you’re estranged. RULE #5: Learning to communicate in a way that is egalitarian, psychological, and self-aware is essential to a good relationship with your adult child. RULE #6: You were the parent when you were raising your child and you’re the parent until they die. You brought your child into this world. That means that if your child is unable to take the high road, you still have to if reconciliation is your goal. RULE #7: A large financial and emotional investment in your child does not entitle you to more contact or affection than that which is wanted by them, however unjust that may seem. RULE #8: Criticizing your child’s spouse, romantic partner, or therapist greatly increases your risk of estrangement. RULE #9: Criticizing your child’s sexuality or gender identity greatly increases your risk of estrangement. RULE #10: Just because you had a bad childhood and did a better job than your parents doesn’t mean that your adult child has to accept all of the ways that they felt hurt by you.
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟👨👩👧👦💔
My thoughts: 🔖Page 30 of 307 Chapter 2: The Many Pathways to Estrangement - This is equally interesting and dull. I think the information is good just repetitive.
🔖77 Chapter 4: Dealing with Mental Illness and Addiction - Okay this is pretty good, but also sad, especially about the therapist causing this epidemic.
🔖147 Chapter 8: When Siblings Estrange: The Impact on Their Lives and Those Around Them - Wow, this book had a lot of helpful information. The bottom line of the reconciliation process is to tell your adult children what they want to hear and then just find a middle ground after reconciliation. I just think that's ridiculous. You pretty much want these parents to lie to their adult children, give in to their delusions if there are any, ask for forgiveness, and then subtly insert their side of things over time after reconciling. The adult kids are just going to say they're being fake, but okay.
🔖209 Chapter 11: Coping Strategies, Interventions, and Your New Normal - OK this book is kind of awesome although I don't think 90% of people are gon to be willing to bend over backwards to this degree. Some of the conflicts are interesting you have 1 where 2 sisters are arguing and what is extra from the mother and the other sister who lives with the mother and takes care of her once her estranged sister to pay her for taking care of their mother. I mean that's crazy and then the author doesn't want parents to cut their estranged children out of their will even if it's been for the rest of their lives. I thoroughly enjoyed the why my children only contact me when they need something portion of Chapter 10 so much that I read it with my mother and shared it with my budgeting group. The example dialogues were very realistic and relatable. I'm interested to see if my mom uses one of the responses in the future.
This book was fantastic! I think that the problem that a lot of people are going to have with this book is that you are going to have to bend over backward, according to the author. He tells you to repeatedly apologize for any actions your children think you may have done to call the estrangement even if there's a strange myth most likely has nothing to do with you. It is also very odd to me that there is a large number of dedicated parents who get cut off compared to abusive parents, All of that helicoptering and catering leads to children feeling the need to cut you off just so they can get assert independence and prove they can survive on their own. Ultimately your children may be cutting you off because mental growth and nothing to do with your actual relationship but whether it is imaginary real or all about them you're going to have to spend the rest of your life begging them to let you be a part of their life no matter how small it is without sharing sharing the hurt you feel by their actions. Your child never had to say they're sorry but you're expected to say it over and over again. I think that is the problem people are going to have with this book. Not to mention only half of the relationships he's worth with get reconciled. One of the number 1 reasons why children don't reconcile with their parents is because they find them insincere, But the method that this book suggests is for you to apologize whether you did it or not and not bring up your old grievances is insincere! It's pretty much fake it until your friends again and maybe 1-5 years from now you can drop a little nugget here and there about your side of the table. And the best part is you get to spend the rest of your life tip-toeing so you don't get cut off again. In the last 40 years due to child-centered parenting and families the power has shifted it from the parents to the children. In teaching your children they can do and become whatever they want and if their happiness is most important you have opened the door for you to be Only there to cater to their happiness or get cast aside if you don't spark joy. He also spoke of other familial relationships especially how siblings are as quick to forgive as parents. I think this book is great overall it offered a lot of insight however you might want to be cautious of the books listed because are of them were only mentioned because they are problematic although most of them were mentioned in a positive light. I was actually greatly surprised that therapists and self-help books were to blame for this huge shift in culture and a lot of these estrangements. I definitely see it because according to Facebook users apparently 90% of Americans are narcissists. I am greatly surprised that therapists are also on that train when they counsel young adults, Even more so how they can diagnose someone they have not evaluated or met completely through the eyes of one person. This is very enlightening especially especially since it's very common for parents who put their children in therapy when they begin to have problems. I think if you are counseling someone in your immediate response is everybody in their life that makes them unhappy as a narcissist you are not trying to help that person grow you're just catering to their delusion and I don't think that's what real therapists should be doing, however, I also learned from this book that in the past that is exactly what some have always done, and there was even a mental illness for enslaved people who ran away. I think one of the most frustrating and disappointing things readers are going to find about this book is there is no prevention for estrangement because it's not about you and your behavior, it is simply about the person who is doing the estranging and in some cases it is considered a passage to adulthood.
Recommend to others: Yes! I think this is a great book for everybody to read. I don't think it's a book specifically for families who are going through an estrangement which this day and age happens to pretty much everybody anytime a day, especially with social media. I think it is a great book to read if you are not a parent and plan on having children if you have small children, teens, adults, or no children with no plans to have children but you are part of a family.
vii+300-page Kindle Ebook
Genre: Nonfiction, Self-Help, Parenting, Sociology, Psychology
Featuring: Alienation, Parent and Adult child, Interpersonal Conflict, Conflict Management, Adult Children, Contents, Author's Note - Names Change and Multiple Families, Introduction, Joint Custody, Can I Save the Relationship with My Estranged Child?, Finding Reconciliation, Teaching Parents A New Language, The Many Pathways to Estrangement - A Parent’s Divorce at Any Age, A Difficult Daughter-in-Law or Son-in-Law, Mental Illness or Addictions in the Child, Their Therapist, Feeling Too Close to the Parent, Disagreements About Choices, Values, and Lifestyles; A Societal Shift - It’s Because You Abused Me and Now I Need to Focus On Myself, Identities Around Suffering; Lose Your Parent, Find Yourself; How to "Break Up" With a Narcissist Parent, Changing the Meaning of Conflict, Individualism, Meritocracy in the Family, Soulmate Parenting, Married, Divorced, Estranged, New Wives/New Lives, Mothers and Stepmothers, Daughters and Stepdaughters; Courts, Lawyers, and Judges; Dealing with Mental Illness and Addiction, Mental Illness, Class & Parenting; Does My Child Have A Personality Disorder, Why Is Ot Just Up To The Parents To Fix It?, Asymmetrical Balances of Power, Misdiagnosing The Parent, Psychotherapy and the Curated Childhood: “My Therapist Says You’re a Narcissist”, Flashpoints: Gender Identity, Sexuality, Religion, Politics, and Personality Clashes; Sons-in-Law, Daughters-in-Law, and the Cult of One; The Troubled Gatekeeper, When Your Child’s Spouse is Against You, Common Mistakes Made With Sin-in-Laws or Daughters-in-Laws, Are Sons More Vulnerable to Estrangement After Marriage?, When Siblings Don’t Want to Be Reconciled and the Parents Do, But Why Cut Off Everyone?, When Siblings Estrange: The Impact on Their Lives and Those Around Them, The Rules of Money and Estrangement: Should I Cut My Child Out of My Will?, An Abusive Child, Why Should My Estranged Child Get as Much as My Non-Estranged Children Who Have Been Nice or Helpful to Me?, I Don’t Want My Daughter-in-Law Getting a Dime After I’m Gone!, Why Do My Kids Only Call Me When They Want Something?, Say Yes or No Without a Guilt Trip, Abandoned Grandparents and the Weaponizing of Grandchildren, Strategies For Change, What if My Parenting Was Normal but I’m Being Treated Like a Criminal in Regard to My Grandchildren?, Should I Sue to See My Grandchildren, Coping Strategies, Interventions, and Your New Normal Chapter; Why Are Letters of Amends Often Helpful in Reconciliation?, The Five Most Common Beliefs That Interfere With Making Amends, The Five Most Common Mistakes In Writing Letters of Amends, Sample Letters, Coping With Holidays, Birthdays, and Weddings; What Should You Say To Others When They Ask About Your Children or Grandchildren, What If the Child Wants Contact with One Parent and Not the Other?, My Estranged Child Is Back: Now What Do I Do?, How Do I Stop Walking on Eggshells?, Steps in Early Reconciliation, The Adult Child’s Perspective: New Rules for Parent–Adult Child Reconciliation, Estrangement and the Pursuit of Happiness, Five Most Common Mistakes of Estranged Parents, Ten New Rules for Parent–Adult Child Relations, How Do I Heal the Pain of Estrangement?, Six Common Myths of Estranged Parents, Forgiveness, Parenting at a Distance, Scripts, Afterword, Notes, Acknowledgments
Rating as a movie: R for profanity and adult situations
Books and Authors mentioned: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along by Joshua Coleman, Affliction by Russell Banks, Educated by Tara Westover, The Gardener and the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children by Alison Gopnik, Pentimento: A Book of Portraits by Lillian Hellman, The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam, On Kindness by Adam Phillips and Barbara Taylor, Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life by Robert N. Bellah, Richard Madsen, and William M. Sullivan; Scholarly articles for Modernity and Self-Identity: Self and Society in the Late Modern Age by Anthony Giddens, For Better Or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered by E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly, Lost Children Archive by Valeria Luiselli, Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City by Matthew Desmond, Mark Twain, Cold Intimacies: The Making of Emotional Capitalism by Eva Illouz, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision; Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity by Andrew Solomon, The Book of Woe: The DSM and the Unmaking of Psychiatry by Gary Greenberg, Trans Kids: Being Gendered in the Twenty-First Century by Tey Meadow, My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, The Silver Cord by Sidney Howard, “The Art of Losing My Daughter” by Melanie Gause Harris, Siblings: Brothers and Sisters in American History by C. Dallett Hemphill, The Country of 'Giant Babies': A Domestic Psychologist Examining the Chinese National Character by Wu Zhihong, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, Reading With Patrick: A Teacher, a Student and the Life-Changing Power of Books by Michelle Kuo, The End of American Childhood: A History of Parenting from Life on the Frontier to the Managed Child by Paula S. Fass, Invisible Grandparenting: Leave A Legacy of Love Whether You Can Be There Or Not by Pat Hanson? It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine, How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett, The Happiness Curve: Why Life Gets Better After Midlife by Jonathan Rauch, The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today by Andrew J. Cherlin, America the Anxious: Why Our Search for Happiness Is Driving Us Crazy and How to Find It for Real by Ruth Whippman, The Problem with Everything by Meghan Daum
Memorable Quotes: Sad, scared, and pissed off. I assume you picked up this book because those words describe how you feel right now. Sad you haven’t had any contact with your adult child or grandchild, scared you don’t know if you’ll ever see them again, and pissed off because you don’t deserve to be treated this way by your own child, especially one to whom you’ve been so devoted. Or maybe you picked up this book because you’re reeling from the fact that your child wants nothing to do with you and you have no idea why. Or maybe you know that you made some pretty big mistakes but assumed that the conflict was resolvable: “We’ll get over it like we always do, no need to panic,” to “What does he mean, he needs to take a break from our relationship?” to “Wait, how was I not invited to her wedding or the birth of my grandchild?!”
They have listened carefully to their children’s dreams so that they could provision them with the safest, securest path to a happy and successful life. They have lived on a steady diet of worry, guilt, fear, sleep deprivation, and caffeine in order to become the absolute-best-parent-they-could-possibly-be—a goal that has been at the center of their consciousness since before their child was born. Which doesn’t mean that they were free from making mistakes. And to make matters worse, experts keep changing what’s considered ideal parenting every three or four years, so it’s hard to know which kind of mistake they might have made: small and predictable with little smiley faces around the edges? Medium and potentially forgivable with a “Keep Trying” sticker affixed to them? Or large and relationship-ending with a yellow and black hazmat warning?
Ten New Rules for Parent–Adult Child Relations RULE #1: Your adult child has more power than you to set the terms of your relationship because they’re more willing to walk away. Basic game theory: she who cares less has more power. RULE # 2: Your relationship with your adult child needs to occur in an environment of creating happiness and personal growth, not an environment of obligation, emotional debt, or duty. RULE # 3: You are not the only authority on how well you performed as a parent. Your adult child gets to have their own narrative and opinions about the past. RULE #4: Use of guilt trips or criticism will never get you what you want from your adult child, especially if you’re estranged. RULE #5: Learning to communicate in a way that is egalitarian, psychological, and self-aware is essential to a good relationship with your adult child. RULE #6: You were the parent when you were raising your child and you’re the parent until they die. You brought your child into this world. That means that if your child is unable to take the high road, you still have to if reconciliation is your goal. RULE #7: A large financial and emotional investment in your child does not entitle you to more contact or affection than that which is wanted by them, however unjust that may seem. RULE #8: Criticizing your child’s spouse, romantic partner, or therapist greatly increases your risk of estrangement. RULE #9: Criticizing your child’s sexuality or gender identity greatly increases your risk of estrangement. RULE #10: Just because you had a bad childhood and did a better job than your parents doesn’t mean that your adult child has to accept all of the ways that they felt hurt by you.
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟👨👩👧👦💔
My thoughts: 🔖Page 30 of 307 Chapter 2: The Many Pathways to Estrangement - This is equally interesting and dull. I think the information is good just repetitive.
🔖77 Chapter 4: Dealing with Mental Illness and Addiction - Okay this is pretty good, but also sad, especially about the therapist causing this epidemic.
🔖147 Chapter 8: When Siblings Estrange: The Impact on Their Lives and Those Around Them - Wow, this book had a lot of helpful information. The bottom line of the reconciliation process is to tell your adult children what they want to hear and then just find a middle ground after reconciliation. I just think that's ridiculous. You pretty much want these parents to lie to their adult children, give in to their delusions if there are any, ask for forgiveness, and then subtly insert their side of things over time after reconciling. The adult kids are just going to say they're being fake, but okay.
🔖209 Chapter 11: Coping Strategies, Interventions, and Your New Normal - OK this book is kind of awesome although I don't think 90% of people are gon to be willing to bend over backwards to this degree. Some of the conflicts are interesting you have 1 where 2 sisters are arguing and what is extra from the mother and the other sister who lives with the mother and takes care of her once her estranged sister to pay her for taking care of their mother. I mean that's crazy and then the author doesn't want parents to cut their estranged children out of their will even if it's been for the rest of their lives. I thoroughly enjoyed the why my children only contact me when they need something portion of Chapter 10 so much that I read it with my mother and shared it with my budgeting group. The example dialogues were very realistic and relatable. I'm interested to see if my mom uses one of the responses in the future.
This book was fantastic! I think that the problem that a lot of people are going to have with this book is that you are going to have to bend over backward, according to the author. He tells you to repeatedly apologize for any actions your children think you may have done to call the estrangement even if there's a strange myth most likely has nothing to do with you. It is also very odd to me that there is a large number of dedicated parents who get cut off compared to abusive parents, All of that helicoptering and catering leads to children feeling the need to cut you off just so they can get assert independence and prove they can survive on their own. Ultimately your children may be cutting you off because mental growth and nothing to do with your actual relationship but whether it is imaginary real or all about them you're going to have to spend the rest of your life begging them to let you be a part of their life no matter how small it is without sharing sharing the hurt you feel by their actions. Your child never had to say they're sorry but you're expected to say it over and over again. I think that is the problem people are going to have with this book. Not to mention only half of the relationships he's worth with get reconciled. One of the number 1 reasons why children don't reconcile with their parents is because they find them insincere, But the method that this book suggests is for you to apologize whether you did it or not and not bring up your old grievances is insincere! It's pretty much fake it until your friends again and maybe 1-5 years from now you can drop a little nugget here and there about your side of the table. And the best part is you get to spend the rest of your life tip-toeing so you don't get cut off again. In the last 40 years due to child-centered parenting and families the power has shifted it from the parents to the children. In teaching your children they can do and become whatever they want and if their happiness is most important you have opened the door for you to be Only there to cater to their happiness or get cast aside if you don't spark joy. He also spoke of other familial relationships especially how siblings are as quick to forgive as parents. I think this book is great overall it offered a lot of insight however you might want to be cautious of the books listed because are of them were only mentioned because they are problematic although most of them were mentioned in a positive light. I was actually greatly surprised that therapists and self-help books were to blame for this huge shift in culture and a lot of these estrangements. I definitely see it because according to Facebook users apparently 90% of Americans are narcissists. I am greatly surprised that therapists are also on that train when they counsel young adults, Even more so how they can diagnose someone they have not evaluated or met completely through the eyes of one person. This is very enlightening especially especially since it's very common for parents who put their children in therapy when they begin to have problems. I think if you are counseling someone in your immediate response is everybody in their life that makes them unhappy as a narcissist you are not trying to help that person grow you're just catering to their delusion and I don't think that's what real therapists should be doing, however, I also learned from this book that in the past that is exactly what some have always done, and there was even a mental illness for enslaved people who ran away. I think one of the most frustrating and disappointing things readers are going to find about this book is there is no prevention for estrangement because it's not about you and your behavior, it is simply about the person who is doing the estranging and in some cases it is considered a passage to adulthood.
Recommend to others: Yes! I think this is a great book for everybody to read. I don't think it's a book specifically for families who are going through an estrangement which this day and age happens to pretty much everybody anytime a day, especially with social media. I think it is a great book to read if you are not a parent and plan on having children if you have small children, teens, adults, or no children with no plans to have children but you are part of a family.
September 29, 2020
RULES OF ESTRANGEMENT: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.
BY: JOSHUA COLEMAN
One of the most devastating and heartbreaking ordeals that a parent will ever have to face except the death of a child or children is dealing with the pain and suffering when your Adult Child decides to cut off all contact with his/her parent(s). Joshua Coleman who is the author of this book could also be summed up as an expert in estrangement in families. He has had first hand experience because his eldest child who is a daughter had at one time cut all ties with him. He also cites numerous composites of both estranged parents and also the estrange adult child's viewpoints. First off I am amazed at how often this happens in today's day and age versus when I was growing up. Parent's of estranged adult children have to take 100 percent responsibility for causing the estrangement if they ever hope to reconcile with their adult child. They may not agree with the reasons that the estranged adult child gives for reasons of the cut off. But if they hope to end the estrangement the parents must come from a place of empathy and try to view the estranged adult child's perspective. This is done by attempting to draft an apology letter to the estranged adult child. What struck me about this book's powerful message is that as a parent most try their best to be the best parent that they can be by not repeating the same mistakes that the parent experienced growing up by their own parent. Parent's generally try to give their children all of the advantages that they themselves were not given and still that doesn't guarantee that your adult child won't accuse you of hurting them or for their reasons from cutting off their parents.
The list of reasons for adult children cutting off their parents either one or both is much too exhaustive to go into in a single review. Divorce can be a contributing factor where one parent tries to alienate the adult child from the other parent. Getting angry or defensive or blaming the adult child in any way can be a recipe for disaster. Joshua Coleman suggests that if an estranged parent has any hopes of reconciliation with their adult child whom has chosen to cut ties the parent or parents must take the high road. There is also sibling estrangement which occurs if one of the adult child perceives that a particular sibling was the favorite child or has been given more materialistic opportunities. He suggests that sibling estrangement does not cause the same degrees of pain and suffering in each other as it does to a parent. Some parent's cited their estranged adult child's girlfriend, fiancee and later daughter or son in law is the reason for parent estrangement. He urges estranged parents never to put down or criticize the daughter or son in law no matter what as this will lead to their estranged adult child to side against the parents with their spouse. I found that the subject was given a broad assessment as to the multitude of reason's that this rising epidemic occurs. This was not a topic that made for easy reading but it does offer steps, myths and ways of carrying on a joyful and peaceful life if reconciliation doesn't happen. Joshua Coleman does seem to have a high success rate if he can successfully email or urge the estranged adult child to enter therapy with the estranged parents and the estranged adult child if both are able to enter family therapy.
Publication Date: March 2, 2021
Thank you to Net Galley, Joshua Coleman and Rodale Inc./Harmony publishing for generously providing me with my ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own.
#RulesOfEstrangement #JoshuaColeman #RodaleIncHarmonyPublishing #NetGalley
BY: JOSHUA COLEMAN
One of the most devastating and heartbreaking ordeals that a parent will ever have to face except the death of a child or children is dealing with the pain and suffering when your Adult Child decides to cut off all contact with his/her parent(s). Joshua Coleman who is the author of this book could also be summed up as an expert in estrangement in families. He has had first hand experience because his eldest child who is a daughter had at one time cut all ties with him. He also cites numerous composites of both estranged parents and also the estrange adult child's viewpoints. First off I am amazed at how often this happens in today's day and age versus when I was growing up. Parent's of estranged adult children have to take 100 percent responsibility for causing the estrangement if they ever hope to reconcile with their adult child. They may not agree with the reasons that the estranged adult child gives for reasons of the cut off. But if they hope to end the estrangement the parents must come from a place of empathy and try to view the estranged adult child's perspective. This is done by attempting to draft an apology letter to the estranged adult child. What struck me about this book's powerful message is that as a parent most try their best to be the best parent that they can be by not repeating the same mistakes that the parent experienced growing up by their own parent. Parent's generally try to give their children all of the advantages that they themselves were not given and still that doesn't guarantee that your adult child won't accuse you of hurting them or for their reasons from cutting off their parents.
The list of reasons for adult children cutting off their parents either one or both is much too exhaustive to go into in a single review. Divorce can be a contributing factor where one parent tries to alienate the adult child from the other parent. Getting angry or defensive or blaming the adult child in any way can be a recipe for disaster. Joshua Coleman suggests that if an estranged parent has any hopes of reconciliation with their adult child whom has chosen to cut ties the parent or parents must take the high road. There is also sibling estrangement which occurs if one of the adult child perceives that a particular sibling was the favorite child or has been given more materialistic opportunities. He suggests that sibling estrangement does not cause the same degrees of pain and suffering in each other as it does to a parent. Some parent's cited their estranged adult child's girlfriend, fiancee and later daughter or son in law is the reason for parent estrangement. He urges estranged parents never to put down or criticize the daughter or son in law no matter what as this will lead to their estranged adult child to side against the parents with their spouse. I found that the subject was given a broad assessment as to the multitude of reason's that this rising epidemic occurs. This was not a topic that made for easy reading but it does offer steps, myths and ways of carrying on a joyful and peaceful life if reconciliation doesn't happen. Joshua Coleman does seem to have a high success rate if he can successfully email or urge the estranged adult child to enter therapy with the estranged parents and the estranged adult child if both are able to enter family therapy.
Publication Date: March 2, 2021
Thank you to Net Galley, Joshua Coleman and Rodale Inc./Harmony publishing for generously providing me with my ARC in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own.
#RulesOfEstrangement #JoshuaColeman #RodaleIncHarmonyPublishing #NetGalley
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November 30, 2023I read over half of this but then decided not to spend time on the rest. I think Coleman has some good points; parents who truly want to reconcile with their children deserve a chance, even if they have been hurtful. Parents are human beings and should not be vilified for making mistakes. We all need a chance to make amends and be forgiven. I also agree that therapists should not be allowed to diagnose people they have not even met, as the therapists of adult children often do in regard to their clients' parents.
However, there are some areas where he has blind spots or missing information. There is nothing about the role of epigenetics, which can influence children and grandchildren through their ancestor's trauma. There is a statement that hurtful parental behavior is caused by "terrible and random" factors. The factors might be terrible, but they are not random. I firmly believe that we will eventually learn much more about what causes people to behave towards each other in seemingly irrational hurtful ways, such as child abuse, and that the causes are both physiological and spiritual. This demands more investigation.
There's a lot about how society has changed, which is interesting, but sometimes Coleman wants to have it both ways. For instance, he suggests that the definition of abuse has changed over recent decades and that people have become overly willing to label things as "abuse" which used to be considered normal. But he also points out how certain behaviors like resisting slavery or women wanting a career were once pathologized. Could it be that the heightened sensitivity to abuse is actually valid, that we are sensing behaviors that have always been abusive even though they fell below the threshold of "normality"? Of course, this can go too far, but I do not think that claims of abuse should ever be discounted, even if they need to be tempered by seeing the other side as well.
What does need to happen is to consider overall societal and environmental factors, not just pin the blame on individuals. That is the unfortunate tendency that can sometimes be behind estrangement from parents and the parent-blaming of psychotherapy.
Parents should not be blamed for everything, but nor should they be given a free pass to hurt children. I think that Coleman is a bit cavalier about this, based on his own experience as an estranged parent. It is now coming to light how deeply damaged children are by divorce, for example, and although that does not mean going back to the days of forcibly constraining couples to stay together, we do need to take much more seriously the effects on the next generation when we thoughtlessly follow our desires. If a child hurt by divorce or other parental actions hurts the parents back through estrangement, isn't that only logical? I think that more needs to be done than just saying "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." But that might necessitate a whole reconstruction of society, which is not the purview of this book.
However, there are some areas where he has blind spots or missing information. There is nothing about the role of epigenetics, which can influence children and grandchildren through their ancestor's trauma. There is a statement that hurtful parental behavior is caused by "terrible and random" factors. The factors might be terrible, but they are not random. I firmly believe that we will eventually learn much more about what causes people to behave towards each other in seemingly irrational hurtful ways, such as child abuse, and that the causes are both physiological and spiritual. This demands more investigation.
There's a lot about how society has changed, which is interesting, but sometimes Coleman wants to have it both ways. For instance, he suggests that the definition of abuse has changed over recent decades and that people have become overly willing to label things as "abuse" which used to be considered normal. But he also points out how certain behaviors like resisting slavery or women wanting a career were once pathologized. Could it be that the heightened sensitivity to abuse is actually valid, that we are sensing behaviors that have always been abusive even though they fell below the threshold of "normality"? Of course, this can go too far, but I do not think that claims of abuse should ever be discounted, even if they need to be tempered by seeing the other side as well.
What does need to happen is to consider overall societal and environmental factors, not just pin the blame on individuals. That is the unfortunate tendency that can sometimes be behind estrangement from parents and the parent-blaming of psychotherapy.
Parents should not be blamed for everything, but nor should they be given a free pass to hurt children. I think that Coleman is a bit cavalier about this, based on his own experience as an estranged parent. It is now coming to light how deeply damaged children are by divorce, for example, and although that does not mean going back to the days of forcibly constraining couples to stay together, we do need to take much more seriously the effects on the next generation when we thoughtlessly follow our desires. If a child hurt by divorce or other parental actions hurts the parents back through estrangement, isn't that only logical? I think that more needs to be done than just saying "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." But that might necessitate a whole reconstruction of society, which is not the purview of this book.
January 15, 2022
This book explained why parents are more likely to be estranged from their children today than in the past. It gave advice to parents on how to reconnect with their adult children. The writing was clear and interesting. It put the personal situation of estrangement in a societal and historic context. For example, he explains that "the exchange rate on parental investment and involvement has weakened over the past half century. Parents, for better or worse, can no longer demand contact as a return on time and money spent."(pg 17) Parenting has changed. He says "a close parent-child relationship requires quite a bit more psychological health from both parents and child than it did in prior generations where there was less aspiration for a close lifelong friendship and where the rules of engagement weren't predicated on such a psychologically intensive framework." (page 18). Society has shifted from an expectation of family loyalty to an expectation of individual fulfillment. The safety net has frayed which has lessened the security of parents as they raise children. And parents are positioned as being an all-important part of how children develop- without an understanding of other factors such as economic class and cultural factors.
He gave good advice to parents on how they can reconnect with their children and told absorbing stories from his practice to illustrate his points. He talked about specific factors such as divorce, mental illness, in-laws, blended families, and addiction. He gave strategies for reconciliation.
A chapter covers money. How do you give it or not give it to your children? What do you say if you refuse? He shares his thoughts on wills- especially if the parents don't want to give their money to estranged children. There is an excellent chapter on grandparents- who often end up cut off from their grandchildren when parents are estranged from their children.
At the end, he calls for "a different conversation in our society, one where not only parents are asked to empathetic to the harm that they did to children, but where adult children are asked to be empathetic to the harm they are doing to the parents by cutting them out of their lives."(pg. 169-70).
I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced estrangement or who has friends who are estranged. And for professionals who work with families.
He gave good advice to parents on how they can reconnect with their children and told absorbing stories from his practice to illustrate his points. He talked about specific factors such as divorce, mental illness, in-laws, blended families, and addiction. He gave strategies for reconciliation.
A chapter covers money. How do you give it or not give it to your children? What do you say if you refuse? He shares his thoughts on wills- especially if the parents don't want to give their money to estranged children. There is an excellent chapter on grandparents- who often end up cut off from their grandchildren when parents are estranged from their children.
At the end, he calls for "a different conversation in our society, one where not only parents are asked to empathetic to the harm that they did to children, but where adult children are asked to be empathetic to the harm they are doing to the parents by cutting them out of their lives."(pg. 169-70).
I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced estrangement or who has friends who are estranged. And for professionals who work with families.
May 13, 2023
I came into this book expecting some disagreements in terms of therapeutic approach, but surprisingly I think the core issue with this book is its historical framework based on nostalgia for the postwar consensus and a simultaneous lamentation of the decline of non-family social institutions, the rise of individualism, and increasing reliance on the family -- and also, confusingly, the decline of a sense of family loyalty. There are relevant and insightful things to be found in this book on its more narrow topic of interest but I think the framework really elides the role of the family in psychic constitution and that an adult child being "unstable" may not be unrelated to the family dynamic itself. I'll stick with my Freud, thank you.
May 16, 2021
Drawing not only on his experience as a therapist, but as a parent who suffered a painful estrangement by his child, Coleman provides a sensitive and insightful overview of some of the many ways in which family members can throw up walls against each other, the reasons why they do so, and the ways-- few of them easy, some of them very challenging-- in which parents can reach out to heal a breach. His survey of many common conflicts didn't happen to cover the one that I, personally, was looking for help with, but even so, I found his intelligent compassion and humility cast a revealing light on the problems that try families' souls.
August 19, 2023
This was a tough read, but incredibly helpful and impactful. I would recommend it to anyone who has gone through or is going through the pain of no contact with a family member, no matter what your role is. The author really knows his stuff, both academically and experientially,, and speaks with both insight and empathy for parent, child, and sibling.
The reader of the audio book isn't fantastic, but the content is totally worth it.
The reader of the audio book isn't fantastic, but the content is totally worth it.
July 20, 2024
I hated this book so much. Some incredibly bad takes (especially about queerness, mental illness, and evil therapists telling clients their parents are narcissists). It gave me things to think about, mostly in a way I despised and disagreed with, but sometimes because they were hard truths to hear/ relevant to my situation. Has definitely made me think about reconciliation and parent child relationships in a different way, which is useful, but my god this book sucks
April 5, 2021
I found this book more relevant to my experience than “When Parents Hurt.” There is no more painful experience than estrangement of a child, other than perhaps the death of a child. The author walks through different scenarios and possible strategies to reconcile as well as strategies for living with and accepting the estrangement. Thought-provoking.
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September 21, 2023Really interesting parent focused perspective on how to reconcile estranged relationships. Gave me a lot to think about.
December 17, 2025
A super-duper book about this super new issue, if I could call it something...as, it really got me by surprise. I knew this so-called estrangement deal, when one of my cousins was-at that time-in no contact with his mother, my aunt. Funny is, I never thought much of it but I sure felt it was kind of unusual. It is highly unusual (to me) for son or a daughter to just "all of a sudden", make that kind of decision about cutting off all contact with a father, mother, or both.
This book does cover all possible scenarios--I think--as it makes sense, like in the case of a parent who will never accept (or doesn't want to) a son or a daughter who is homosexual, gay or trans. I was able to gather my own two cents as to what my kids are doing and why we, both of us, were cut off by our son. And also, why does our daughter act kind of weird when it comes to how she treats her mom, the few times she visits her?
I can definitely say this is a very unusual generation of kids, by the way they think. I can see how our own way of educating them is or may be, causing these unique results.
One thing is for sure--and I would love to know when this trend started. I do not think this option-about cutting off all communication with a parent, was ever an option before….and somehow, now it is.
And it sure seems like it's growing. It is not just in USA, this is a global phenomenon. I now belong to a group in FB and we have cases from all over the world. I would love to get the stats and start working on the numbers to see where and how quickly this new “dilemma” is growing.
This book does cover all possible scenarios--I think--as it makes sense, like in the case of a parent who will never accept (or doesn't want to) a son or a daughter who is homosexual, gay or trans. I was able to gather my own two cents as to what my kids are doing and why we, both of us, were cut off by our son. And also, why does our daughter act kind of weird when it comes to how she treats her mom, the few times she visits her?
I can definitely say this is a very unusual generation of kids, by the way they think. I can see how our own way of educating them is or may be, causing these unique results.
One thing is for sure--and I would love to know when this trend started. I do not think this option-about cutting off all communication with a parent, was ever an option before….and somehow, now it is.
And it sure seems like it's growing. It is not just in USA, this is a global phenomenon. I now belong to a group in FB and we have cases from all over the world. I would love to get the stats and start working on the numbers to see where and how quickly this new “dilemma” is growing.
November 18, 2023
This was overall a good book with sound advice for parents wishing to reconnect with kids who have cut them off. However, I think the main thing I took away from this is that the older generations are mystified and bewildered by their children, and that even when they try to reconcile they often still don't really understand what their kids want. Perhaps the problem is that many parents never really view their children as an adults, even when they have been out of the house for years. At one point Coleman recommends parents recall when their children were toddlers and indulge their angry adult children in the same way. If that's how you view your adult children, my guess is you will soon get cut off again.
November 26, 2024
I’m always interested in popular psychology and the role that [social] media plays in relationships and behavior. I read this book because the rise of relationship estrangements is very troubling to me. Coleman’s writing style was very gentle and I can see how this book would be a helpful resource to those dealing with this problem.
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