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10 Rules For Talking: An Expert's Guide to Mastering Difficult Conversations
Psychologist Tim Harkness has noticed sometimes it seems everyone is shouting, but nobody is listening. Surely we don't need to learn how to talk? And yet, in an age of Brexit and Trump, where social media provides a platform for instantaneous, unfettered opinion, doesn't it feel that we've lost our ability to move discussions forward? 10 Rules for Talking is a timely guide to help you talk to people who don't share your opinion. Harkness focuses on difficult conversations - the complex, emotional and recurring discussions that persistently affect our personal and professional lives. The ten rules will teach you to remember most people are good and worthy of respect (Rule 3), why it is important to keep a conversation safe (Rule 5) and how to truly listen (Rule 9). Learn how to persuade, respond and - most importantly - keep the conversation progressing. Welcome to a new way of talking.
320 pages, Hardcover
Published June 25, 2020
23 people are currently reading
111 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
November 7, 2020
I have to confess I was a little apprehensive about picking this title up. Listicle books can be a little hit and miss, especially a topic as nebulous as 'difficult conversations'.
Nonetheless I found this book intensely helpful, almost immediately putting some of its advice into practice at work.
The personal anecdotes and examples seem a little odd at first, but the book quickly establishes itself as both down to earth and academic, and provides advice ranging from personal, professional and political relationships and is a must read IMO.
Nonetheless I found this book intensely helpful, almost immediately putting some of its advice into practice at work.
The personal anecdotes and examples seem a little odd at first, but the book quickly establishes itself as both down to earth and academic, and provides advice ranging from personal, professional and political relationships and is a must read IMO.
December 23, 2020
I don’t think that I would necessarily recommend this to a friend, unless they were already interested in this type of material. Like a lot of other such similar content I’ve read/watched over lockdown, it can be hard to follow when every rule breaks down into another 7 sub rules, which then break down further, without a coherent narrative drawing it all together.
The ten rules themselves are:
1. Agree what you are talking for
2. Accept that agreement takes still and effort
3. remember most people are good, competent and worthy of respect
4. Talk fast and slow
5. Keep the conversation safe (“Four particularly damaging behaviours in a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.”)
6. Use resilience (but note that “It is easier to be resilient about one challenge when other challenges like financial stress or systematic disadvantage have not left you close to your emotional limit. It is also easier to be resilient when social, financial and reputation allows safety nets have already lowered the costs of risk and failure.” and “we obtain a sense of meaning from belonging to something larger or more important than ourselves.”)
7. Use rigour (beware of human behaviour being explained as originating from a particular part of the brain or from a behavioural practice amongst our distant ancestors. “They could be true. They could be false. It is just that there is no way to tell.” as science depends on observation and “theories about how the brain and its component regions influence complex daily behaviours cannot be observed or measured and so lack verifiability and rigor.”)
8. Use complexity
9. Listen (“But Lawrence’s answers are quite short, and he forgets what he was going to say, which sometimes happens when we don’t feel listened to.”)
10. Reach out (probably the best section in the book is his discussion of the experience of a white South African feeling Mandela reaches out to them.)
The ten rules themselves are:
1. Agree what you are talking for
2. Accept that agreement takes still and effort
3. remember most people are good, competent and worthy of respect
4. Talk fast and slow
5. Keep the conversation safe (“Four particularly damaging behaviours in a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.”)
6. Use resilience (but note that “It is easier to be resilient about one challenge when other challenges like financial stress or systematic disadvantage have not left you close to your emotional limit. It is also easier to be resilient when social, financial and reputation allows safety nets have already lowered the costs of risk and failure.” and “we obtain a sense of meaning from belonging to something larger or more important than ourselves.”)
7. Use rigour (beware of human behaviour being explained as originating from a particular part of the brain or from a behavioural practice amongst our distant ancestors. “They could be true. They could be false. It is just that there is no way to tell.” as science depends on observation and “theories about how the brain and its component regions influence complex daily behaviours cannot be observed or measured and so lack verifiability and rigor.”)
8. Use complexity
9. Listen (“But Lawrence’s answers are quite short, and he forgets what he was going to say, which sometimes happens when we don’t feel listened to.”)
10. Reach out (probably the best section in the book is his discussion of the experience of a white South African feeling Mandela reaches out to them.)
November 25, 2020
Another guide on how to ensure discussions bear fruit with talking about the same issues on the same wavelength.
August 20, 2020
I received a free copy of this book in return for an honest review.
*************
This is a really excellent book about how to think and behave differently during conversations. It goes far deeper than a superficial 'how to talk' approach. Instead, it brings together research, anecdotes, the author's experiences, philosophy and cultural references to explain that how we think and process our world impacts how we speak.
I liked that the book went beyond the superficial as I find it's much easier to change if I understand the why and the how, rather than dealing only on the surface. The author has done a fantastic job at bringing together multiple resources to make a really robust argument about how we can process things differently.
It's quite a dense book that deserves to be re-read. So many theories and concepts are explored that it's really a deep dive into the human psyche, and conversational output, rather than one idea that is explored in various iterations throughout, like some self-improvement guides.
I would have liked more from the design - for example, illustrations that help to visually explain ideas, templates to use after reading, ways of designing the book to more clearly signpost chapters etc. I've removed one star for this element.
I would absolutely recommend this book for anyone who wants to explore what drives our conversations and how we can become better talkers. It's definitely not just for those who feel they encounter problems regularly or who have roles that expose them to difficult conversations - the book is far more widely applicable. I've already used a couple of the recommendations and have also used this book to understand fleeting conversations that nonetheless left me dissatisfied or disappointed to understand why.
*************
This is a really excellent book about how to think and behave differently during conversations. It goes far deeper than a superficial 'how to talk' approach. Instead, it brings together research, anecdotes, the author's experiences, philosophy and cultural references to explain that how we think and process our world impacts how we speak.
I liked that the book went beyond the superficial as I find it's much easier to change if I understand the why and the how, rather than dealing only on the surface. The author has done a fantastic job at bringing together multiple resources to make a really robust argument about how we can process things differently.
It's quite a dense book that deserves to be re-read. So many theories and concepts are explored that it's really a deep dive into the human psyche, and conversational output, rather than one idea that is explored in various iterations throughout, like some self-improvement guides.
I would have liked more from the design - for example, illustrations that help to visually explain ideas, templates to use after reading, ways of designing the book to more clearly signpost chapters etc. I've removed one star for this element.
I would absolutely recommend this book for anyone who wants to explore what drives our conversations and how we can become better talkers. It's definitely not just for those who feel they encounter problems regularly or who have roles that expose them to difficult conversations - the book is far more widely applicable. I've already used a couple of the recommendations and have also used this book to understand fleeting conversations that nonetheless left me dissatisfied or disappointed to understand why.
March 11, 2023
I think this book is a little bit scattered to be up there with the really 'great' books in this genre (pop psychology / self-help?). Some chapters pack in too many concepts, and a lot of those concepts end up having multiple sub-concepts, so it can be difficult to take everything away without studying it almost. I found myself sometimes having to remind myself mid-chapter what the current chapter was about.
However, there a number of great little takeaways in this book, and the writing style is very readable. Tim illustrates a number of the points with anecdotes (which are often a little uncomfortable to read, particularly when relating to race and apartheid in Tim's native South Africa), which add a personal touch. I wonder if this book might be best read by dipping in for a chapter from time to time.
Overall, glad I read it.
However, there a number of great little takeaways in this book, and the writing style is very readable. Tim illustrates a number of the points with anecdotes (which are often a little uncomfortable to read, particularly when relating to race and apartheid in Tim's native South Africa), which add a personal touch. I wonder if this book might be best read by dipping in for a chapter from time to time.
Overall, glad I read it.
September 7, 2022
Woke propaganda diluted with obvious 2x2 thinking bias "discoveries". A typical neo-marxist writing masked as one about thinking-talking models and biases which slowly but surely by the end 4'th chapter turns into a typical neo-racist/anti-west agitprop. Maybe because the author himself falls under the strict scientific category which he defines as "tall white man" as oppose to ... short and black, I guess.
July 3, 2023
I am at a loss why the book has this low a grade. A lot of useful advice for having difficult conversations and interactions with. It takes a lot of practice, but change is hard. Thanks Tim, cheers :)
July 29, 2021
finished about 40% of it, didn't really find anything noteworthy.
August 28, 2025
DNF, not for me
May 29, 2022
Interesting excerpts to ponder about:
- Talking should be a competition, but it should be a competition between ideas, not protagonists.
- A lot of difficult conversations are predictions requiring consensus.
- The first step to resolving intractable conflicts is complicate to simplify... Only when you have understood as many of the inputs to the system as possible is it time to simplify.
- Peter Coleman says that societies operate in promotion, protection or punishment mode. These modes are powerful influences on human behaviors and can operate more strongly than innate characteristics. When an act of protection is seen as illegitimate, it is easy for the other party to construe this as a violation and thus be deserving of legitimate punishment.
- Examples of biases:
-> Fundamental attribution error: She was trying to upset me
-> Simplification: She doesn't respect me
-> Extreme thinking: She is always like this
-> Putting words into someone's mouth: So you're saying I'm bad
- Emotions can only be accurate if you have the right emotion in the right amount... This is the objective of teasing, to deliver a negative stimulus in a tolerable quantity.
- The meaningfulness of manifesting identity can help explain why some people are motivated to behave in ways that are cruel or antisocial. Once an identity has been conferred, even if this is a negative identity, there is a private reward for confirming it.
- Talking should be a competition, but it should be a competition between ideas, not protagonists.
- A lot of difficult conversations are predictions requiring consensus.
- The first step to resolving intractable conflicts is complicate to simplify... Only when you have understood as many of the inputs to the system as possible is it time to simplify.
- Peter Coleman says that societies operate in promotion, protection or punishment mode. These modes are powerful influences on human behaviors and can operate more strongly than innate characteristics. When an act of protection is seen as illegitimate, it is easy for the other party to construe this as a violation and thus be deserving of legitimate punishment.
- Examples of biases:
-> Fundamental attribution error: She was trying to upset me
-> Simplification: She doesn't respect me
-> Extreme thinking: She is always like this
-> Putting words into someone's mouth: So you're saying I'm bad
- Emotions can only be accurate if you have the right emotion in the right amount... This is the objective of teasing, to deliver a negative stimulus in a tolerable quantity.
- The meaningfulness of manifesting identity can help explain why some people are motivated to behave in ways that are cruel or antisocial. Once an identity has been conferred, even if this is a negative identity, there is a private reward for confirming it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 7, 2021
I was quite excited when I purchased this book because I'm currently working on my public speaking skills but when I started reading this, it wasn't what I was expecting. Unfortunately, this book is not for me.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews