We Need to Talk About Love

by Laura Mucha

As featured on Sunday Brunch and Woman's Hour

'A really interesting proper analysis of the ins and outs of love. A kind of marvellous feat.' Richard Curtis

Poets, philosophers and artists have been trying to explain romantic love for centuries, but it remains one of the most complex and intimidating terrains to navigate. Most people are afraid to be open and honest about their relationships – until now.

For We Need to Talk Above Love , Laura Mucha has interviewed hundreds of strangers, from the ages of 8 to 95 in more than 40 countries, asking them to share their most personal stories, feelings and insights about love. These intimate and illuminating conversations raised important questions, such

- How does your upbringing influence your relationships?
- Does love at first sight exist? Should you 'just know'?
- What should you look for in a partner?
- Is monogamy natural?
- Why do people cheat?
- How do you know when it's time to walk away?

Drawing on psychology, philosophy, anthropology and statistics, We Need to Talk About Love combines evidence, theory and everyday experience and is the perfect read for anyone who is curious about how we think, feel and behave when it comes to love.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Philosophy

368 pages, Paperback

Published June 11, 2020

Reviews

[Surya · Rating 4 out of 5]

For many years the author of this book Laura had gone around the world speaking to numerous people about love and relationships. This book has a lot of raw data and statistics that sometimes it doesn't feel like you are reading a book on love. The book has many stories, many inferences, and learnings from those stories. It was a nice read!

I had a few eye-opening inferences from the book that made me think and be different. I also felt a lot re-assured. Nice book!

As someone who tries to write, I appreciate the hard work that has gone into this book. But as a reader, I wish the book had gone through another few rounds of edits. An edited version of this book would have been even more impactful. IMO, this book is not yet ready for wider audience.

[Molly Coughlan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard the author talking on Oenone’s Adulting podcast and found the topic/perspective so interesting I wanted to know more. This book is quite heavy in that it will ignite a lot of self reflection, but is a must for anyone steering through a break up or simply wanting to learn more about themselves in relationship. Very thought-provoking on why people cheat or don’t, and the importance of secure attachments. Loved it!

[Fem (Little Miss Booksniffer) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finished this just after Valentine's Day, which was not intentional, but fun nonetheless! It was a very refreshing take on love, showing all the realistic sides of relationships. From lust and attraction to the deeper connections you make through longer relationships, from first dates to break-ups and losing a partner, to some darker dives into jealousy, cheating, and abuse. Interviewing people from all walks of life, it gave a multi-sided view that is often lacking in the superficial Valentine's message.

I especially enjoyed the chapter(s) on non-monogamy - I've long thought life would be so much easier if we weren't so rigid about pairing up monogamously till death do us part. That being said, I'm not sure if polyamory would work for me personally, but I definitely think you can (romantically) love multiple people at once, and/or during your lifetime, and we should be more honest and accepting about this. In the same way, I've much changed my opinion on cheating during the last few years. It's awful, and I don't want to downplay it at all, but it's still something that happens a lot, and I often think we should communicate better and be more honest about our attractions to others. The additional 'thrill' and trouble of cheating - covering up your tracks and lying to your partner, which I feel is where a lot of the harm comes from for both parties - would be removed in this way, maybe removing a big part of the urge entirely. However I'm no expert, and I don't want to sound like an apologist for cheaters; I just feel like it's more in our nature than we dare to admit, and we have to work our way around it more openly than we do now.

Anyway, this book just made me ponder about all this, and this is just a small example of how much food for thought it gives. All these deeper insights actually make me appreciate love much more than the simplified Valentine's message! It can go wrong or end up badly in so many ways, and yet it's probably one of the best, most profound feelings life has to offer, whether it be romantic or platonic. This book shows that perfectly.

[🌶 peppersocks 🧦 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reflections and lessons learned:
“...material things come secondary, it is the love that is important...”

A book that I hadn’t expected to be so comprehensive on the entirety of human connection and condition from so many perspectives. Excitement, joy, deep connections and loss, all together on an optimistic and understanding platform, all as a reminder that we’re rarely alone in situations, and that not all interactions are healthy. Any relationship requires energy and effort at the very least. No one ever said it was easy not to poison the crop when it requires attention and love

[Nina (ninjasbooks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love books that are both educational and interesting. The author has done thorough research and the interview supplement the science brilliantly. Absolutely recommend this book!

[Bridget · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish this book had existed when I was in my 20s and embarking on my first marriage! An eye-opener into our behaviour and attachments at every age without ever being prescriptive. A careful combination of real life interviews in settings across the world with statistics and the author’s reflections on this complex subject. I read this on Audible and really enjoyed Laura Mucha’s voice though I miss not having being able to earmark some key passages in the book. It’s relevant to those starting out on dating as much as to those who’ve lived a long term relationship or more and are still figuring things out in their 60s or coming to terms with loss in all its forms.

[Athene · Rating 5 out of 5]

I discovered Laura Mucha's We Need to Talk About Love through Ella Mills' podcast (The Deliciously Ella Podcast). While not always an easy read (some parts might make you feel uncomfortable), it definitely is a book absolutely everyone should read. Very insightful, full of facts, but also heartwarming and quite funny, We Need to Talk About Love not only teaches us a lot about love and relationships, but about human beings in general. Must read !

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the footnotes incredibly frustrating - there are a lot of them, and many are lengthy, which makes me think the book could’ve been edited better, in order to flesh out the main text more. Footnotes in this way are so distracting. However, I highly recommend the book. It’s well-written and balanced, with very interesting ideas shared.

[Natasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was pleasantly surprised by this book. It tackles love and attachment in an accessible way, keeping a good balance between research data and personal accounts. It's easy to read and interesting throughout. One thing I found lacking for a 5 star review was the amount of time dedicated to cheating and some of the conclusions in those chapters.

[Anneli Bale · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love hearing about psychological experiments which was most of the content of this book and so i found that very interesting. I was reading this while i fell in love and it made me fall in love harder.

[Firuza Karimova · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whilst I appreciated all the research and data based approach, it became rather sad and boring by the end of it. Therefore, 4 stars

[Queenie Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and the comprehensive way that it combined research, statistics and theories in psychology, philosophy, anthropology with interviews on the many facets of love. The latter supplemented the statistics and theories brilliantly by providing in-depth, personal examples. Overall, a really insightful and interesting read but I did find the overload of footnotes quite distracting.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful reminder of indispensable attachment theory (first check out Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller), interspersed with hard-won relationship wisdom via anecdotes from many couples the author interviewed. Recommended.

[Bjorn Martensson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book will be interesting and useful for almost anyone in (or interested in) a romantic relationship. It is based on hundreds of interviews, but also correlated to research. Lot's of thought provoking content.

[✵ Kas · Rating 3 out of 5]

A non-fic that does what it says on the tin. 3 stars is probably just a reflection of my anxious avoid state.

[Pawel Grzybek · Rating 5 out of 5]

What should you look for in a partner? Why do people cheat? How do you know when it’s a good or right time to split with a partner? Does love at first sight exist? Is it love at all or just lust? These and a lot of other questions arrived after a relationship crisis that I went through a not such a long time ago. I decided to dig to find answers for some of these questions and get to know myself a tad better. After quick reconnaissance, I found “We Need to Talk About Love” by Laura Mucha that looked like a great publication to help in fulfilling my curiosity.

Based on psychological facts, statistics and interviews with hundreds of people from 40 countries, Laura analyse inconvenient subjects like dating, cheating, sex and other aspects of relationships, including marriage. It’s full of great story telling and the whole piece is well-written and narrated. Upfront, honest and truthful. I really recommend this book to everyone who wants to boost some self-awareness and potentially improve the quality of a relationship.

https://pawelgrzybek.com/book-review-...

[Tali Vaisbart · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some very interesting research and concepts on attachment theory, relationships, grief, conflicts and more.

Worth a read

[Otto Russell · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

I like book. I like love.
I am not convinced by this love book.

[Ben Burke · Rating 4 out of 5]

an insightful analysis, learned a lot reading this book

[Dubsy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Talks about attachment styles - good read and introduction to the concept if you're looking to learn about your own.

[Satvik Srivastava · Rating 4 out of 5]

The original title of this book was "Love Factually" and quite suitable for what the book has to offer. A good number of studies have been included by the author to make a point while still maintaining the readability. It gives you a rational perspective about something really irrational like love while breaking several misconceptions.

The only thing I didn't quite like is that it becomes repetitive esp. the part where different people are quoted.