Co-Regulation Handbook: Creating Competent, Authentic Roles for Kids with Social Learning Differences, So We All Stay Positively Connected Through the Ups and Downs of Learning

by Linda K. Murphy

Do you know a child who struggles to get started with things or who resists trying something new? Maybe they argue or have trouble joining other kids in conversation and play. Do you hear yourself prompting your child again and again? Do you feel frustrated or stuck, and long for a better way - a more positive way - to engage your child while guiding them toward independence? This book was written for parents, caregivers, professionals and more - to guide you on how to move away from prompting and prodding kids - and toward authentic connections and competent roles. You'll learn how to create a positive learning environment for everyone, and feel empowered as you thoughtfully expand roles and responsibilities."In this book, Ms. Murphy explains co-regulation as a way of being with, doing together, and teaching children with learning challenges. Instead of the adult directing and prompting the child through endless steps of an activity, a common method that can quickly become frustrating for all involved, with a co-regulation approach, the adult sets up activities such that the child has a specific role, one in which they are competent, and through this role the child, from the start, successfully participates in the whole, meaningful activity, and--and perhaps most importantly--participates in harmony together with the adult. More learning comes through creating alterations to the child’s role (e.g., swapping roles), or adding complexity to the role or to the activity itself. In this way adults expand children’s competence through meaningful participation and from a place of harmonious interaction. Activities included as examples are as disparate as cooking, playing games, and playdates. As in her Declarative Language Handbook, Ms. Murphy presents complex material with clarity and compelling, illustrative examples. This book will be invaluable for parents as well as teachers, and therapists across disciplines."Karen Levine, Ph.D., PsychologistLecturer on Psychiatry , Harvard Medical School"When Declarative Language Handbook came out I recommended the book to my Facebook and YouTube followers, many of whom shared with me how grateful they were for recommending the book to them. I will be doing the same with Co-Regulation Handbook. The brilliance of Linda's writing is her ability to make concepts practical and she provides clear and concise directions regarding how to implement strategies. Linda's voice fills a tremendous need in the ADHD world, which for decades has ignored the incredibly important role language plays in building skills. Like Declarative Language Handbook, I consider this book a necessity for parents of kids with ADHD."Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP (ADHD Dude)"This book is a beautifully written guide on how to form a deep, meaningful and impactful partnership with your child. This is important for any child, but when your child experiences the world differently this partnership is invaluable. I have watched my son (and myself!) grow in so many ways since we started practicing co-regulation, and I feel so much more equipped to help him navigate a world that can be confusing and scary to him. In this book Linda will walk you through the process of learning about co-regulation in an easy to read and fun way. This book is a MUST READ, the knowledge in these pages will help transform the child’s experience and set the stage to learn and grow together in a positive and meaningful way."Charlie's Mom"Relationship is the key to unlocking true reciprocal communication, intrinsic motivation, and a strong sense of self. Linda Murphy's companion books, Declarative Language Handbook and Co-regulation Handbook, are clear, concise and communicate core principles of person-centered care I find foundational in my work.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Education

149 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 25, 2021

Reviews

[Megan Bevers · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent quick read on partnering with your child to allow for more personal responsibility in a way that isn't overwhelming. The author always does a great job of providing examples and role plays.

[Grace Buck · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful as a first year SLP! I wish it covered more of co-regulation as a whole but what was in here is incredibly useful

[Jillian · Rating 3 out of 5]

So, this book is great, BUT...

I read Linda Murphy's other book, The Declarative Language Handbook, and definitely gave it 5 stars and highly recommended it across the board. It was practical, easy to understand, and evidence-based.

This book is also practical and easy to understand... I won't say it's not evidence-based, but I will say that it confuses the entire concept of what emotional regulation is. I am assuming that it was done intentionally and not that the author doesn't understand the concept, because having read their previous works, I would imagine they do.

I'm making an assumption here, but my guess is that Linda Murphy was trying to outline practical opportunities in everyday life where parents could engage in emotional co-regulation in easy, low-stakes situations. And there she did a fantastic job.

The part that is missing is an actual definition of emotional co-regulation and how it is intertwined into the scenarios and examples provided. Emotional co-regulation is supporting children as they regain emotional composure, as well as teaching them skills that will help them stay balanced and regulated more easily in the future.

This book gave great examples of engaging with our children, connecting with them, and building relationship and cooperation through our everyday life--I just didn't read a whole lot of information about actual co-regulation.

[Eshaneh · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author means well and has the intention to bring about co-regulation. I think that the RDI methods could help with that some of the time, and are definitely better than ABA. The problem is that co-regulation is not just about roles. There are several factors that weren’t addressed in this book that are crucial for co-regulation to happen, especially with neurodivergent people: 1) an awareness of and willingness to attune to where the person is at in terms of arousal regulation, 2) an understanding of the importance of autonomy, including self-regulating behaviors such as stimming, 3) a willingness to reach out and be there fully for the neurodivergent person in whatever ways are most appropriate in the moment. In some cases, this will mean giving the individual space. In some cases it might mean supporting the individual through sensory supports, a calm presence, and being with the person in ways that can downshift high tension and high energy, 4) engaging in back and forth circles, when appropriate, playful and joyful. Playfulness and joy are co-regulating too. I am a psychological theorist specializing in psychophysiology. I am also a neurodivergent parent of a high support needs neurodivergent child. I wanted to like this book because the author has such an authentic tone. There’s just too much missing from the RDI method for me to endorse it for co-regulation.

[RLV · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well. I picked up this book thinking it would be about emotional co-regulation, but that’s not really what it’s about. Linda Murphy uses a much broader definition — more about shared attention, shared mental focus, and interaction rhythm. She’s essentially describing relational coordination, which is a powerful framework… just not what I was expecting. 😅

That said, I ended up really loving the approach. I like that compliance isn’t the goal — development is. It’s about building skills through partnership with your child instead of trying to control them through commands and never ending prompts. That shift in mindset feels both respectful and practical. I’m pretty sure it’ll work well with my kids and I can’t wait to give it a go!

Only thing worth mentioning - I should have read her declarative language handbook first. It’s referenced a lot in this second book and I had no idea what it was about 🙃 that’ll be my next read!

[silentzia · Rating 3 out of 5]

To me its a good, quick read- it coulve been quicker or just take the form of a chart instead of a whole book. Talks about engagement with a child and being present with a child as a parent, the benefits of spending time together doing chores together, how to scaffold but thats about it. Co- regulation process aside from what mentioned above , is not mentioned.

[KayCee Weeks · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love how simple and helpful this handbook is. I'm not on declarative language. As an early childhood educator and as a Mother to a very sensitive child these are handbooks are practical and helpful in so many ways.

[Bern · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book I'll need to re-read regularly.

[Catherine Mackenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing in so many ways. Clever that it’s a small book to keep in my bag and reference when needed.

[Jordyne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I never knew about co-regulation and self-regulation! Explains so much!! (Although we deal with it so much that I yearn for the days when R-E-G-U-L-A-T-E was just a Warren G and Nate Dogg song...

[Tarah Awai · Rating 3 out of 5]

Co-regulation is so much more than what is presented in this book.

[Emily Weber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was expecting more info on emotional co-regulation. Still a good reminder of Ross Greene’s idea that “kids do well when they can”

[Ashley Jensen]

Abandoned at 50% because I haven't learned anything new. This is definitely a great intro to co-regulation though.

[Suzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Linda K. Murphy talks about how we can use co regulation and use declarative language to help your child become more independent as they get older collaboration for daily tasks.

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

A third reread of this book! I’ve read many books about co-regulation. However Linda’s writes in everyday language has more practical applications than the others ! Highly recommend it and Declarative Language”