The Autism Relationships Handbook: How to Thrive in Friendships, Dating, and Love

by Joe Biel, Faith G. Harper (Contributor)

Ever since he came out as autistic, people have been contacting Joe to share their stories and ask questions. The most common question by far: how do I find a romantic partner?

Dr. Faith G. Harper, author of 'Unf*ck Your Brain' and 'Unf*ck Your Intimacy' joins autistic publisher and author Joe Biel to offer hard-won guidance on a wide range of topics about friendships, dating, and romance and answer a ton of questions. What do you want out of a relationship? What is the difference between flirting and harassment? How do you have a fun date and get to know someone when eye contact and prolonged conversation aren't your strengths? How do you change a casual acquaintance into friendship or dating? How do you express your needs and make sure you're hearing your partner when they express theirs? How do you maintain a healthy, happy long-term relationship?

Autistic readers will find valuable answers and perspectives in this book, whether you're just getting ready to jump into dating, seeking to forge closer friendships, or looking to improve your existing partnership or marriage.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Mental Health, Audiobook

148 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 23, 2021

About the author

Joe Biel is a writer, activist, journalist, filmmaker, and publisher. He is the founder and co-owner of Microcosm Publishing and co-founder of the Portland Zine Symposium. He often tours the U.S. with his books and films. He has been featured in the Utne Reader, Portland Mercury, Oregonian, Broken Pencil, Readymade, and Bicycle Times.

Reviews

[Max · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'm not even sure where to begin, but this book is just not good...at all. I would not recommend it to anyone and certainly not my patients.

One of my biggest concerns was the failure of the authors to call unconsensual sexual encounters "sexual assault."For instance, whenever encounters suggestive of "sexual assault" were being discussed (the word itself was not used), the authors mentioned that such actions could be hurtful to someone else, but they never went any further than that. That was really disappointing. They didn't discuss the legality or what to do in the case of a sexual assault (seek medical care, file police report, seek counseling, etc).

Additionally, the authors recommended that in the case of stalking, "if you don't have someone to scare away stalkers, the best thing you can do is keep your distance, cover your tracks, watch your back, and wait for them to find a different target." They did not mention going to the police which would have been a likely safer decision than the aforementioned suggestions.

Since the book had so many other very literal recommendations easily spelled out, I would have expected the same for these two very important issues. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

[Jacob Clabby · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got this to try and understand myself better, and help my neurotypical partner understand too. I found nothing helpful in it. I caught a few chapters in, and all it really said is that autistic people are superior to others, that I shouldn't try to adapt, and that others should just accept us exactly as we are right now.

I don't think a lot of people see it, but this was incredibly toxic and damaging to hear. No, it's not great being autistic. It really sucks sometimes. And while it's great having a community that understands what I'm trying to say in a conversation, It doesn't help me in the slightest to just expect others to change for me. It's just the blunt reality of it; If we want the world to be accessible to us, then we have to build ourselves a wheelchair, and then install ramps everywhere we want to go. We have to do almost all the emotional labor. We have to do the work ourselves. I don't need validation, I need fucking help.

All I want is a book that's going to help me learn tools and strategies for getting by, something I can use, and some better ways of communicating with my partner about what's going on so that she gets it. I just want to stop feeling like I'm on the verge of drowning.

The last thing I need is some ableist pseudo-ally of a book telling me to just be okay with it.

[b (tobias forge's version)]

I know that the snarky tone is not for everyone, but is very much for me, a tired and frequently confused autistic person attempting to be more social and who must sometimes interact with allistic people in the process. I made a lot of notes, laughed multiple times, and wished that I'd had this book years ago for other, ill-fated attempts at building my social circle that mostly resulted in relationships that either fizzled out because I didn't know how to maintain them or that ended after a lot of toxicity. My only criticism is that there are a lot of plugs for one of the authors' other books, which makes sense because this book is too brief an overview to go into too much detail about any one topic, but after awhile it starts to feel like a ploy to sell more books.

[James · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don’t want to leave a low rating for a book that could potentially help people, but as someone with autism and with my wife who is also autistic, we both felt a strong cognitive dissonance with this book.

Our first concern is the issue of oversimplification. I feel the book espouses an us-versus-them mentality that can be stifling.

My second concern is one of preferences. The writing style is too conversational for my preference and may miss the opportunity to go into depth at times.

I see potential to do good with this book, but for me it’s a miss. Perhaps this book was not intended for me.

[are we there yet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Can be helpful, sometimes strange, with too many plugs for co-author's book.

The anecdote with the Black man and the white woman was really weird, and with no disclaimer whatsoever about the author's awareness of this country's treatment of Black men (note: this book was published in 2021), just seemed out of touch. Just... not a good look when you and your co-author are both white.

[Alex Gruenenfelder · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been slowly making my way through the accompanying Autistic Relationships Workbook for a long time, so I decided to pick up the short Handbook and surprised myself by making it through within a few hours. As a person with autism, I want to improve the relationships in my life, especially in making romance and intimacy less confusing and stressful. With its claims that autistic people have 400% more resting brain activity, feel things much more intensely, and are often unable to understand nuance in language, the authors accurately believe that autistic people may need their own guide to interaction.

This book is very woke, and I have no other way to describe it. I found myself frustrated by terms like "allistic disability" and "neurophobia," since it negates many of the points of the essential nature of belonging in a world in which you are the neurodiverse minority. Similarly, calls for "equity" over "equality" in household chores feel like a demand on a neurotypical partner. Telling you not to stalk people, not to date minors if you're an adult or date family members in general is an example of how frustratingly basic this book can seem. Often though, I found myself made uncomfortable or unsettled simply by the discomfort of working through the problems inherent in autistic relationships. Unpacking the problems that you have had in relationships and those that you brought to them is very uncomfortable, but it's necessary, and this book provides an approachable avenue for people on the spectrum to do just that.

The book has a particular focus on the importance of "authentic communication," finding ways to facilitate it and do so openly. I personally find it difficult to code-switch and not overshare with everyone I am close to, so this is another lesson that I took from the book, largely from its overall less useful section on familial relationships. Certain pieces of advice really connected to me about behavior I hadn't fully processed, such as, "Scorekeeping isn't how relationships work." It also emphasizes the importance of setting and enforcing boundaries, no matter how minor they may seem to the other person.

We cannot force relationships to happen: as the authors write, "someone is empirically not perfect for us if they don't feel about us the way that we feel about them." I have spent a lot of my life trying to manage my social connections like puzzles to be solved, when the reality is that we can only communicate authentically and try our best if things are meant to be. This is a book about learning to find what you personally value and what your own needs are, rather than what others push onto you, and then going forth with that in mind. Although it is often overly detailed and breaks things down to basics that may seem overly minor, I recommend this very light read to autistic people and those who love them.

[Shannon Billingsley · Rating 4 out of 5]

First: I am not autistic but chose to preview this book as a potential gift for my older brother (who is on the spectrum). It was a thorough instructional book on both romantic relationships and ordinary friendships. The frequent references to the LGBTQ community were incredibly appreciated, though not necessary for my situation. One warning: it contains some language and references to specific sexual acts (it is a relationship book after all). The most recent addition includes a chapter about family relationships. While I appreciate the attempt, it is tailored to the author’s individual situation, which was unfortunately incredibly negative. So be warned, it does not encourage any positive views of immediate family relationships. There were only a couple of red flags for me, one being the minimum age gap it recommends when dating (seemed a bit too large of a gap). It also could use slightly stronger language when talking about the concept of consent. Not getting consent is not only going to make someone uncomfortable but is also a crime with traumatic effects.

Many of the negative reviews sight it as either being too simplistic or too complicated. I’m (not) sorry but that is stupid. There is a reason we call it the spectrum. You are never going to find something perfectly tailored to your situation unless you write it yourself. Overall, it was a thorough but brief informational handbook on how to have safe and healthy relationships with open communication.

[Hannah Garden]

Blew my mind. My mind is blown. Absolutely love this book’s mission and philosophy and I feel better suited to meet the world for having read it, which is I think the ultimate gift of a book/art. Miraculous.

[Erin Huttula · Rating 3 out of 5]

Recommended to me (non-autistic) for insight into perspectives of my loved ones, who are on the spectrum. I thought it had some helpful information, but I believe that it would be better presented as a memoir due to the amount of anecdotal evidence and first person information. Additionally, there seemed to be a lot of focus on allistics as the more “disabled” group. If this is helpful for the primary audience, that is good, but from my perspective it seems counterproductive and almost placing autistic individuals in a position of coddling allistic emotions.

[Roux Stellarsphyr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maybe not the book I needed or most identified with, but five stars regardless for its encouraging tone, wonderful breakdowns, and nonjudgement of diversity from our neurology to our identities and relationship styles.

[stacy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wanted to drop this book so bad… It’s such a title bait book. Most of the information/advice is the same as that for neurotypical relationship. In addition to that, so much of the book was “want more information? go read ____” and usually it’s “Unfuck You Brain” (aka, go read my other books). What is the point of reading this book??

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this pretty well. Mostly because reading about someone's experience of being autistic in relationships was enlightening. I feel like I lean toward that way of being, and it was comforting to read about other people who live in those modes having successful relationships and how they do it. Recently I've accepted that one of my love languages is the list. If you're on my lists, that because I love you and I want to remember to do things for you. It's a weird love language and that's okay. Neurodivergence doesn't mean you suck, it just means you do things differently.

[Joshua · Rating 1 out of 5]

Incredibly wrong and intellectually dishonest. makes patently false claims like autistics are 40% faster at processing and most autistics suffer from depression and anxiety.
the first claim is ridiculous as their is a spectrum of cognitive abilities.
the depression/anxiety claim is absurd. most PEOPLE will experience depression and anxiety. most autistics AND most people will not meet criteria for a depressive or anxiety disorder.
for shame on these authors.
just more crap from Faith "I sell excuses and quick fixes" Harper.
Stay away.
Read something by Baron Cohen

[Priyanshi Mathur · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolute revelation. Never in a million years did I think it would reveal to me so much about myself. Every single random pattern of my life, from friendships to romatic relationships to work stressors, is linked to my AuDHD and I’m now able to connect all the dots. This book has been written very honestly by someone who is autistic themselves and with expert perspective by a specialist therapist - so helps with both pattern identification and solution. The advice is truly valuable to comprehend the considerations for living life while being on the spectrum. Highly recommended for ND folks.

[goatmilksoda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Snarky, insightful, and super helpful! This is the first book about autism I've read that didn't feel like it was talking around autistic people (to caregivers and teachers) and was instead talking to us. I felt like it did keep referencing like 1-2 other books though and it kind of felt like a promotion for those instead of its own standalone thing at times. But the information was really great and helpful!

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written with a very supportive perspective, this short book provides autistic people with advice and explanations for building and maintaining different kinds of relationships. I read it because I don't know very much about autism and I thought the book would help me better understand and better communicate with autistic people. Since the book wasn't written for me, I'm not sure I achieved those goals, but it was interesting to hear about the experiences of the autistic author.

[Charity]

I listened to this while doing yard work. There are things I'd like to revisit and write down. Most of the relationship/life advise is good advise for anyone and the literal approach makes it very straightforward (love it). Definitely a more adult read: F-words and discussing sex.

[Ren Ness · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I would have had this book as a young adult

Very informative and straight forward. Easily understandable. It covered all the basics and more. I am looking forward to passing this along to other Autistic women in my family.

[Drew]

This book was written for autistic audiences, but I (a neurotypical person) still gained a lot of insight.

[Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly helpful guide for navigating relationships, both romantic and platonic! A must read for anyone with autism or who loves someone with it.

[Myron · Rating 5 out of 5]

really great way to be safe in my life

Loved the book. Working through trauma and building my own family is going to be much more effective with this information.

[Elizabeth]

This book is largely aimed at people who are a different kind of autistic than I am.  (People who struggle to recognize emotions in others and in themselves, who struggle with executive function, etc.)  I have low-key self-diagnosed from Internet osmosis, but the diagnostic criteria this book lays out (pp. 11-15) like anti-diagnose me.

Also, it's generally just sort of "how to relationship," with stuff about how certain autistic attributes interact with that, but not as much as I was hoping/expecting.  It reminded me of Queerly Autistic: The Ultimate Guide For LGBTQIA+ Teens on the Spectrum in that way (that book feels like a YA intro to queer topics, with some autism intersectionalities sprinkled in).

This also feels largely aimed at cis-ish autistic men (unsurprising since Joe gets read as male, and I suspect Fath's autistic clients are largely men -- since autism is underdiagnosed in people not read as men, etc.) who are relatively heterosexual and allosexual?  (Again, I assume this is due to the authors' lived experience.)

Like, "Since women are frequently sexually harassed by allistic men, if you are interested in a woman, you have to perform a little bit of extra care to show that you have genuine interest in this person, and not just for her appearance" (p. 96).  Uh, why did an editor not catch this?  Why are we presuming that the reader is a man?

Also, what the actual fuck is up with the opening to the "Sex" section on page 126 that is basically, "It's fine if don't want sex -- but sex is critical to relational bonding, so you need to do it sometimes, at least."  Like, this is not necessarily true (not even if your partner is allosexual!), and also it feels really dismissive of consent.

Sex is a big part of most people's lives and romantic relationships. But maybe you don't even want that, and that's okay too. Still, most people will expect that, so even then it's good to at least understand it and sometimes it can be pleasuring to pleasure someone you love. At least on occasion. It's not the foundation of a long term partnership, but it is that super-important spray insulation foam that fills in all the cracks and gaps, keeping the foundation airtight. Sex is generally an instrumental part of connection and communication between partners.

This paragraph starts out pretty okay, but WTAF is this "spray insulation foam" thing?  Physical touch is a huge part of the connection between me and my partner, and we both enjoy sex with each other a lot, but I would not say that sex in particular is "instrumental" to connection in our relationship.  I suspect this paragraph is maybe unintentionally conflating "sex" with "physical touch/intimacy" generally, but idk...

[Stephanie · Rating 1 out of 5]

1⭐️ This book was neither what I expected nor needed when I picked it up. I was looking for a resource for my late diagnosed patients trying to untangle difficulties in marriages and friendships, and/or perhaps establish new relationships. (As much as I dislike the “Level” nomenclature, I think it’s useful here as shorthand to communicate…) This book is clearly aimed toward a Level 2 audience, with pronounced concrete thinking. Especially an early adult just beginning their foray into the realm of relationships. I do not think this will be beneficial for a Level 1 adult autistic who has masked their way through relationships, and is now hitting roadblocks due to burnout, etc. The book is painfully directive e.g., stand X distance, do say this, don’t say this; the problem is that the directions are not comprehensive. For example, when being stalked you’re meant to set clear boundaries (okay), find a big friend to intimidate your stalker (hmm), and “watch your back” (WTF?!). Apparently, calling the police doesn’t make the list.

So, what we have here is a collab between a “self-made autistic publisher and filmmaker” and a FORMER licensed professional counselor, now “coach” (read: no more following those pesky ethical regulations inherent in answering to a licensing board), whose primary contribution to the book seems to be plugging her other books rather than actually editing the content. Not that her credentials as a certified yoga teacher, meditation teacher, applied clinical nutritionist, sexologist, or degree in counselor education and supervision in any way qualify her as a content expert. I would have appreciated Mr. Biel’s contribution more had he opted to provide a memoir style narrative of his personal experiences, rather than presenting himself as an expert based on the foundation of his life experience, standing behind the name of someone only slightly less unqualified to claim expertise.

Needless to say, I don’t recommend it, even to its target audience.

[Jordyn G · Rating 2 out of 5]

If I'm being honest, I did not completely finish this book. I tried to give it a chance, but I couldn't continue. What the authors of this book do really well is their description of autistic experience in a format that is understandable and relatable to the reader (or even to those who are trying to get more understanding of the autistic experience). I also appreciated the clear explanations of the science behind things like trauma for example and how that can influence a relationship. However, what this book lacks is giving advice that center's the autistic experience and works for the neurodivergent mind. I have been in therapy for almost a decade but am very newly diagnosed as autistic & have ADHD. I am also pursuing a degree in Sociology. Given those experiences, I have heard the advice within this book a thousand times. I admit that I may have bias because if someone does not come from the background that I have, this information could be very new as well as beneficial. The advice is not the issue. It's more so that Autism always is displayed as an afterthought / secondhand to this vital information. Instead of talking about the importance of sex and consent, talk about how some autistic people feel uncomfortable feeling aroused. Talk about how overstimulation can play a role during sex and how to have sex more comfortably. Instead of talking about how tumultuous family relationships can be, talk about the effects ableism from a parent can have. Talk about how to disclose your diagnosis to a family member. Instead of talking about general relationship "rules", talk about the difficulties that can come up in a relationship with an allistic and autistic person. I was really looking forward to reading this book and I admire the authors for taking the time to write this as well as their attempt to tackle this much need subject. However, I'm disappointed and let down that there is not more to this book than what is given.

[Sam Bledsoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actually one of the better books I've read about Neurodivergent relationships. While I don't know how it fits with other books about Autism, what I think sets it apart from other books about relationships is how it recognizes that not all relationships are romantic ones and it acknowledges that people who are reading the book aren't actually married or have romantic partners, and might find themselves struggling to build friendships and find love. Of course, it's from an Autism stand point, and the more I read about Autism the more I realize that I just have ADHD. There are a ton of overlapping elements between the disorders though there's just some differences in how things like hyper fixation play out between the two. This book has given me a lot of insight into autism, I think, and there's some stuff suggested here that I think is helpful for anyone who doesn't have autism but has an autistic partner. I've got little gripes here and there, like the author spends times talking about things building friendships but doesn't point out that there's a lot of people on dating apps that might be looking for just friendship. There's a lot of surface level stuff here that might not be useful for people who have been dating for a while. I have seen some reviews mentioning things like "why do people need to be told not to SA?" How the author talks about Heuristics is strange, but he does acknowledge that a lot of this stuff isn't necessarily intuitive to non-autistics, and things like movies and changing expectations in culture does make it necessary to spell things out like "negging isn't a good strategy", "it's not ok to stalk people" and "if the other person says no but doesn't mean no, it's not on you to figure that out. Move on to some more clear with their intentions." Overall, not a bad 5 hours spent listening to the audiobook.

[Ashleigh Vaughn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this book because I want to better understand the experiences with people on the autism spectrum. I appreciate the eye-opening realizations this book afforded me and am glad there are experiences like these being shared and spoken about openly. I did struggle a bit throughout sometimes at the tone, but recognizing that I am not the primary audience of this book and could be ableist at that moment, continued listening and really enjoyed the book. As someone who is neurodiverse, I empathize with existing in a world not set up for my brain to truly succeed in. I appreciated the opportunity to see areas where some of the societal "norms" in place are extremely obtuse and will do a better job at not participating. I can't confidently recommend this to someone who is on the spectrum or believes themself to be, but from the lens of having relationships with individuals who are on the spectrum, it was helpful.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seems to be relatively comprehensive. It has good information. And it’s also clear and specific and detailed. That’s nice.

I just wasn’t a fan of how it’s structured. There are a lot of stories interspersed which makes going through the book a bit of a task.

I’ll admit I was surprised that it’s been recently published and still referenced the five love languages - even though it acknowledges that it’s seen as problematic-.

I don’t know if there are any other books that are better than this one. There may not be. It’s a good informative read; I just wasn’t impressed.

[Lily Wolf · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting little book. Don't expect too much out of it, but as an autistic adult, there are some interesting tidbits of information that I found helpful. Since it's written by someone who is autistic, the language is straightforward and doesn't beat around the bush, which may be a turn off to some allistics but is very helpful for neurodiverse people. This isn't the holy grail of relationship handbooks or living as an autistic person, but I don't regret reading it.

[Tempest · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not enough why. It would say not to do something but not explain why it wasnt social acceptable. It ended up being more confusing for me than helpful.

A LOT of emphasis on abuse and trauma. Which can be helpful but its probably about half of the book.

The book could have been
shortened had they not promoted the other books and repeated so much information.

[KJ Sutton · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m not autistic but my autistic friend lent this to me and this book provided some cool insight esp since I’ve struggled w friendships my whole life idk how it’s so easy for everyone I need a freakin roadmap lol