What do you think?
Rate this book
Black American Refugee: Escaping the Narcissism of the American Dream
Named "most anticipated" book of February by Marie Claire, Essence, and A.V. Club
"…extraordinary and representative." —NPR
"Drayton explores the ramifications of racism that span generations, global white supremacy, and the pitfalls of American culture." —Shondaland
After following her mother to the US at a young age to pursue economic opportunities, one woman must come to terms with the ways in which systematic racism and resultant trauma keep the American Dream inaccessible to Black people.
In the early '90s, young Tiffanie Drayton and her siblings left Trinidad and Tobago to join their mother in New Jersey, where she'd been making her way as a domestic worker, eager to give her children a shot at the American Dream. At first, life in the US was idyllic. But chasing good school districts with affordable housing left Tiffanie and her family constantly uprooted--moving from Texas to Florida then back to New Jersey. As Tiffanie came of age in the suburbs, she began to ask questions about the binary Black and white American world. Why were the Black neighborhoods she lived in crime-ridden, and the multicultural ones safe? Why were there so few Black students in advanced classes at school, if there were any advanced classes at all? Why was it so hard for Black families to achieve stability? Why were Black girls treated as something other than worthy?
Ultimately, exhausted by the pursuit of a "better life" in America, twenty-year old Tiffanie returns to Tobago. She is suddenly able to enjoy the simple freedom of being Black without fear, and imagines a different future for her own children. But then COVID-19 and widely publicized instances of police brutality bring America front and center again. This time, as an outsider supported by a new community, Tiffanie grieves and rages for Black Americans in a way she couldn't when she was one.
An expansion of her New York Times piece of the same name, Black American Refugee examines in depth the intersection of her personal experiences and the broader culture and historical ramifications of American racism and global white supremacy. Through thoughtful introspection and candidness, Tiffanie unravels the complex workings of the people in her life, including herself, centering Black womanhood, and illuminating the toll a lifetime of racism can take. Must Black people search beyond the shores of the "land of the free" to realize emancipation? Or will the voices that propel America's new reckoning welcome all dreamers and dreams to this land?
"…extraordinary and representative." —NPR
"Drayton explores the ramifications of racism that span generations, global white supremacy, and the pitfalls of American culture." —Shondaland
After following her mother to the US at a young age to pursue economic opportunities, one woman must come to terms with the ways in which systematic racism and resultant trauma keep the American Dream inaccessible to Black people.
In the early '90s, young Tiffanie Drayton and her siblings left Trinidad and Tobago to join their mother in New Jersey, where she'd been making her way as a domestic worker, eager to give her children a shot at the American Dream. At first, life in the US was idyllic. But chasing good school districts with affordable housing left Tiffanie and her family constantly uprooted--moving from Texas to Florida then back to New Jersey. As Tiffanie came of age in the suburbs, she began to ask questions about the binary Black and white American world. Why were the Black neighborhoods she lived in crime-ridden, and the multicultural ones safe? Why were there so few Black students in advanced classes at school, if there were any advanced classes at all? Why was it so hard for Black families to achieve stability? Why were Black girls treated as something other than worthy?
Ultimately, exhausted by the pursuit of a "better life" in America, twenty-year old Tiffanie returns to Tobago. She is suddenly able to enjoy the simple freedom of being Black without fear, and imagines a different future for her own children. But then COVID-19 and widely publicized instances of police brutality bring America front and center again. This time, as an outsider supported by a new community, Tiffanie grieves and rages for Black Americans in a way she couldn't when she was one.
An expansion of her New York Times piece of the same name, Black American Refugee examines in depth the intersection of her personal experiences and the broader culture and historical ramifications of American racism and global white supremacy. Through thoughtful introspection and candidness, Tiffanie unravels the complex workings of the people in her life, including herself, centering Black womanhood, and illuminating the toll a lifetime of racism can take. Must Black people search beyond the shores of the "land of the free" to realize emancipation? Or will the voices that propel America's new reckoning welcome all dreamers and dreams to this land?
304 pages, Hardcover
First published February 15, 2022
35 people are currently reading
4058 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
March 21, 2022
I question the legitimacy of the positive reviews posted about this book because if Anybody has truly read this memoir they would realize that Ms Drayton is a hypocrite and an inherently mean spirited person.
She says that White America looks down on Black people, treating us as inferior YET on page 258 of her own book, in her own words she expresses with utter disgust the way she feels about Haiti.
Her children's father is from the island of Haiti and in this particular Chapter Ms Drayton goes on to compare her homeland of Trinidad to Haiti. This is the way she speaks about the nation on that page:
"Haiti was a poor, disenfranchised country that was predominantly Black, so everything associated with it was less than, and I knew that fact would always give me the upper hand whenever I felt backed into a corner. I played that hand frequently, pointing out the many ways that association with my background conferred me power and privilege. And even though I often spoke of raising our children to be multilingual, in support of his belief that they should speak English, Creole and French, I really saw no value in his native tongue."
"We should visit Haiti one day," Gabriel suggested while he pushed the stroller through our neighborhood.
"I guess," I responded, unenthused by the prospect of being surrounded by poverty.
"In the past, those feelings of superiority and deep-seated pity for Gabriel and his native land had fueled much of my desire to "save" him. Though I had pure intentions when I invited Gabriel to partake in my life and enjoy the privileges I had discovered by venturing back to my homeland, I was also quietly asking him to disavow his own upbringing, country and culture."
On the same page Ms Drayton calls her mother-in-law a "Bitch" and describes her Haitian cooking as "nasty". She also says "I ridiculed and imitated her disgusting accent while retelling the details of her warning to her son."
What kind of human being is Ms Drayton to say these things so boldly in a memoir? Does she think that her position as an "oppressed Black woman" entitles her and gives her the privilege to speak so nastily about Haiti, a country that she believes is beneath her? In very much the same way that White racist America looks down on Black people, disregarding our culture and seeing us as inferior Ms Drayton has done the same to Haitians. How dare she say that there is "no value" in people's language, that their food is "nasty" and that the Haitian accent is disgusting?
Who edited this book? Did no one at Penguin Random House/Viking see a problem with these statements? Do they sanction her statements?
In an earlier part of the book Ms Drayton also comes off as a classist snob when she retells the story of her first prenatal doctor's visit. There she encounters two non-white expectant mothers and goes on to describe their appearance in a way to suggest that they were poor, ghetto girls. She immediately puts herself on a pedestal to say that she is better than them because she doesn't have to sacrifice a day's wage in order to visit the doctor unlike her counterparts.
Ms Drayton paints a picture of America as being racist however, she never directly experiences the racism she references. She was not an actual victim. Her entire perspective of being a "refugee" is proven untrue by the fact that she never once experiences first hand the oppression that she so vividly speaks about.
She admits throughout the latter chapters that her ex financially supported her during her pregnancy when she didn't have the zeal to get up and write, he held down a full time job while pursuing his Master's degree, cooked, cleaned, took care of the children, walked with her hand-in-hand throughout the neighborhood and gave her flowers every Friday. When his standard of love and attention dropped and he cheated on her, she branded him a narcissistic abuser.
Ms Drayton recounts two incidents of abuse where Mr Gabriel once squeezed her wrists tightly and another where he ripped a shirt off her back. She claims that years after she still experiences "phantom" pains from these incidents. While these incidents were surely traumatic for Ms Drayton it pales in comparison to the severe incidents of violence that other women around the world face at the hands of real abusers. Mr Gabriel might hold the title of verbal abuser for the times he called her a gold-digger or accused her of infidelity but I'm not sold on branding this man a narcissistic abuser as she claims he is. She did not produce any hard evidence in her 300 page memoir to cement her claims.
While the book is well-written and produces a lot of statistics about systemic racism in America Ms Drayton is simply using trigger words to sell. She is not a first hand victim. I call fraud on this one and expect that she will be cancelled IF people actually purchase this book and realize the kind of person she is.
She says that White America looks down on Black people, treating us as inferior YET on page 258 of her own book, in her own words she expresses with utter disgust the way she feels about Haiti.
Her children's father is from the island of Haiti and in this particular Chapter Ms Drayton goes on to compare her homeland of Trinidad to Haiti. This is the way she speaks about the nation on that page:
"Haiti was a poor, disenfranchised country that was predominantly Black, so everything associated with it was less than, and I knew that fact would always give me the upper hand whenever I felt backed into a corner. I played that hand frequently, pointing out the many ways that association with my background conferred me power and privilege. And even though I often spoke of raising our children to be multilingual, in support of his belief that they should speak English, Creole and French, I really saw no value in his native tongue."
"We should visit Haiti one day," Gabriel suggested while he pushed the stroller through our neighborhood.
"I guess," I responded, unenthused by the prospect of being surrounded by poverty.
"In the past, those feelings of superiority and deep-seated pity for Gabriel and his native land had fueled much of my desire to "save" him. Though I had pure intentions when I invited Gabriel to partake in my life and enjoy the privileges I had discovered by venturing back to my homeland, I was also quietly asking him to disavow his own upbringing, country and culture."
On the same page Ms Drayton calls her mother-in-law a "Bitch" and describes her Haitian cooking as "nasty". She also says "I ridiculed and imitated her disgusting accent while retelling the details of her warning to her son."
What kind of human being is Ms Drayton to say these things so boldly in a memoir? Does she think that her position as an "oppressed Black woman" entitles her and gives her the privilege to speak so nastily about Haiti, a country that she believes is beneath her? In very much the same way that White racist America looks down on Black people, disregarding our culture and seeing us as inferior Ms Drayton has done the same to Haitians. How dare she say that there is "no value" in people's language, that their food is "nasty" and that the Haitian accent is disgusting?
Who edited this book? Did no one at Penguin Random House/Viking see a problem with these statements? Do they sanction her statements?
In an earlier part of the book Ms Drayton also comes off as a classist snob when she retells the story of her first prenatal doctor's visit. There she encounters two non-white expectant mothers and goes on to describe their appearance in a way to suggest that they were poor, ghetto girls. She immediately puts herself on a pedestal to say that she is better than them because she doesn't have to sacrifice a day's wage in order to visit the doctor unlike her counterparts.
Ms Drayton paints a picture of America as being racist however, she never directly experiences the racism she references. She was not an actual victim. Her entire perspective of being a "refugee" is proven untrue by the fact that she never once experiences first hand the oppression that she so vividly speaks about.
She admits throughout the latter chapters that her ex financially supported her during her pregnancy when she didn't have the zeal to get up and write, he held down a full time job while pursuing his Master's degree, cooked, cleaned, took care of the children, walked with her hand-in-hand throughout the neighborhood and gave her flowers every Friday. When his standard of love and attention dropped and he cheated on her, she branded him a narcissistic abuser.
Ms Drayton recounts two incidents of abuse where Mr Gabriel once squeezed her wrists tightly and another where he ripped a shirt off her back. She claims that years after she still experiences "phantom" pains from these incidents. While these incidents were surely traumatic for Ms Drayton it pales in comparison to the severe incidents of violence that other women around the world face at the hands of real abusers. Mr Gabriel might hold the title of verbal abuser for the times he called her a gold-digger or accused her of infidelity but I'm not sold on branding this man a narcissistic abuser as she claims he is. She did not produce any hard evidence in her 300 page memoir to cement her claims.
While the book is well-written and produces a lot of statistics about systemic racism in America Ms Drayton is simply using trigger words to sell. She is not a first hand victim. I call fraud on this one and expect that she will be cancelled IF people actually purchase this book and realize the kind of person she is.
March 26, 2022
This was a harrowing read. Drayton's experience of being black in the US didn't show me anything unexpected because I've been paying attention to, you know, *waves around to the general state of things*, even though I wish it had offered some glimmer of hope. I'm glad she was able to go somewhere where she can feel safe, but it felt like reading a Shakespearian tragedy. Character is fate, but so is race.
I am also an immigrant, but I'm white and European, which means I have an entirely different perspective on what that's like.
The US is not a country, it's a business. An actual dystopia by any metric. Getting a green card is something that will cost you upwards of $4000 without paying for a lawyer (add another $3000 to that if you want one), just in case you'd like to know why so many people are in the US illegally.
The absolute fabrication that is the "American Dream" is constructed upon the altar of capitalism, which has as its one and only purpose to keep people unhappy and dissatisfied, regardless of how many of the "right" things they own. The sad truth about it is that even though everybody is miserable, not being white means you will never, ever, be accepted into the US upper middle class. You will always be other, lesser, and if you're lucky (and I say that with bitterness) you'll be seen as the exception to the rule. An individual POC's financial success will never translate to white people changing their minds about anybody else. And that's how the system is meant to work, because it hinges on a hierarchy existing, so every single person is able to position themselves above someone else. If you're white and dirt-poor, don't worry! You can always look down on anybody who isn't white! And that's how you get Trump voters who will fight ardently against their own interests for the sake of feeling superior to anybody else at all.
Unfortunately for everybody on the planet, the US is very, very good at propaganda. But they've only recently perfected it, let's not forget the British and Spanish colonisers, as well as the French, Portuguese and Dutch, who went around telling people who were doing wonderfully that actually, what they needed was capitalism and to dress and look and behave like Europeans, even though they were not in Europe, their needs and cultures were different, and didn't need "civilising". And that's without even opening the can of worms that is chattel slavery as it started, the continued commodification of POC bodies, the criminal legal system as a business model and so on and so forth.
The stupidest part of the concept of US whiteness is that it's a void. It's an absence. An absence of anything that sets you apart, of anything even remotely interesting or distinctive. Whiteness in the US is the Borg, which is why the "big cultural fights" between states come down to... pizza formats and hot dog toppings. That's the extent of how different you're allowed to be from anybody else, even as a white person. And people will think you're a monster if you enjoy both NY style pizza AND Chicago style pizza. This is devastating regardless of what your cultural ties were (assimilation for immigrants meant never learning to speak anything other than English, and the loss of that diversity is catastrophic), but being white means you're at least part of the oppressor group, which has many more advantages than if you're not. So the same white people whose grandparents lost so much in coming to this country expect other immigrants to strip themselves of their cultures too, and will enforce this with violence if necessary.
An interesting novel that deals with the individual consequences of "leftover colonialism" in Tahiti is No More Gas. Descended from American immigrants, the Tuttles intermarried with Tahitians for three generations, but they're still trying to hold on to that status, forgetting how to provide for themselves in the process in favour of having cash to spend. Did the author have that in mind when he wrote it? I'm sure he did not, since he was white and died in 1951, so he was probably trying to be racist and make it seem like they were lazy and irresponsible, but what I got out of it is that every remnant of "whiteness" they were trying to cling to was damaging. This is what Drayton is talking about.
Something that makes me particularly sad is Drayton's love for the Harry Potter books. The entire series revolves around people being inherently "good" or "evil" regardless of what they do (fat-shaming is ok if you're one of the good guys!), a hierarchy of races with inalienable characteristics, like the greedy ones who control the money or the ones that enjoy being enslaved and definitely don't need saving, thank you very much, and above all, the preservation of the original system of government, in which individuals can triumph and have nice respectable jobs like politicians and police officers. The Dark Lord is defeated, so everything can go back to the way it was, nothing else to do! I would also like to point out that Harry Potter is rich and at no point, ever, does he try to financially help his best friend. I guess so he doesn't hurt his pride? Well played. Thanks for coming to my TED talk, I'm not even close to done but I'm going to assume you have other things to do.
I am also an immigrant, but I'm white and European, which means I have an entirely different perspective on what that's like.
The US is not a country, it's a business. An actual dystopia by any metric. Getting a green card is something that will cost you upwards of $4000 without paying for a lawyer (add another $3000 to that if you want one), just in case you'd like to know why so many people are in the US illegally.
The absolute fabrication that is the "American Dream" is constructed upon the altar of capitalism, which has as its one and only purpose to keep people unhappy and dissatisfied, regardless of how many of the "right" things they own. The sad truth about it is that even though everybody is miserable, not being white means you will never, ever, be accepted into the US upper middle class. You will always be other, lesser, and if you're lucky (and I say that with bitterness) you'll be seen as the exception to the rule. An individual POC's financial success will never translate to white people changing their minds about anybody else. And that's how the system is meant to work, because it hinges on a hierarchy existing, so every single person is able to position themselves above someone else. If you're white and dirt-poor, don't worry! You can always look down on anybody who isn't white! And that's how you get Trump voters who will fight ardently against their own interests for the sake of feeling superior to anybody else at all.
Unfortunately for everybody on the planet, the US is very, very good at propaganda. But they've only recently perfected it, let's not forget the British and Spanish colonisers, as well as the French, Portuguese and Dutch, who went around telling people who were doing wonderfully that actually, what they needed was capitalism and to dress and look and behave like Europeans, even though they were not in Europe, their needs and cultures were different, and didn't need "civilising". And that's without even opening the can of worms that is chattel slavery as it started, the continued commodification of POC bodies, the criminal legal system as a business model and so on and so forth.
The stupidest part of the concept of US whiteness is that it's a void. It's an absence. An absence of anything that sets you apart, of anything even remotely interesting or distinctive. Whiteness in the US is the Borg, which is why the "big cultural fights" between states come down to... pizza formats and hot dog toppings. That's the extent of how different you're allowed to be from anybody else, even as a white person. And people will think you're a monster if you enjoy both NY style pizza AND Chicago style pizza. This is devastating regardless of what your cultural ties were (assimilation for immigrants meant never learning to speak anything other than English, and the loss of that diversity is catastrophic), but being white means you're at least part of the oppressor group, which has many more advantages than if you're not. So the same white people whose grandparents lost so much in coming to this country expect other immigrants to strip themselves of their cultures too, and will enforce this with violence if necessary.
An interesting novel that deals with the individual consequences of "leftover colonialism" in Tahiti is No More Gas. Descended from American immigrants, the Tuttles intermarried with Tahitians for three generations, but they're still trying to hold on to that status, forgetting how to provide for themselves in the process in favour of having cash to spend. Did the author have that in mind when he wrote it? I'm sure he did not, since he was white and died in 1951, so he was probably trying to be racist and make it seem like they were lazy and irresponsible, but what I got out of it is that every remnant of "whiteness" they were trying to cling to was damaging. This is what Drayton is talking about.
Something that makes me particularly sad is Drayton's love for the Harry Potter books. The entire series revolves around people being inherently "good" or "evil" regardless of what they do (fat-shaming is ok if you're one of the good guys!), a hierarchy of races with inalienable characteristics, like the greedy ones who control the money or the ones that enjoy being enslaved and definitely don't need saving, thank you very much, and above all, the preservation of the original system of government, in which individuals can triumph and have nice respectable jobs like politicians and police officers. The Dark Lord is defeated, so everything can go back to the way it was, nothing else to do! I would also like to point out that Harry Potter is rich and at no point, ever, does he try to financially help his best friend. I guess so he doesn't hurt his pride? Well played. Thanks for coming to my TED talk, I'm not even close to done but I'm going to assume you have other things to do.
August 19, 2022
This is her autobiography. She’s dark-skinned, born in Trinidad, moves to New Jersey just before she starts elementary school. Her family then moves to Texas, next to Florida, and later she lives in New York. The longer she’s in the U.S., the more unwelcome she sees that people of color are. Taking us on her journey of self-discovery and realization, she ultimately finds she’s better off back in Trinidad. So are her children and her mother, where they all live now. Apologies to what can only amount to an oversimplification of the insights she shares as she steps us through just how insidious prejudice is, how profoundly it can harm the spirit.
February 24, 2022
“In America, my black life was narrowly defined in a way that colored it gray, dark, and dingy. Rife with grit, hardship, and constant disappointment. Upon my return to Trinidad, my black life became one enveloped by the greens and blues of the ocean, mocha, caramel, and mahogany faces, and the rainbow of pinks, oranges, teals and yellows of glittering carnival costumes”
This is probably one of the best books I’ve read this year.. its beautifully written, thought provoking, informative, and honest.
There are a lot of layers to Drayton’s story.
On a personal level, I have to say this book hit me hard. As someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse, I understand how this can deeply traumatize an individual and her explanation of how the black community has faced this really made an impact on me. Many people experience this abuse under different circumstances and I greatly appreciate the author sharing her experience.
If narcissistic abuse becomes part of a culture, imagine how that would affect the rules of society and how much harder it would be to save the victims of the abuse. Ahem, “white America”?
The “Karens”, “Kevins”, and racists of the world express traits of NPD. It is especially obvious in our society where people of color are still being oppressed.
I also appreciate Drayton sharing the experience of coming to America as a young child, an immigrant, and as a black woman. She shares important life events and memories that truly paint the picture of what it is like for immigrants, children of immigrants, and black women in a racist society. She ties in information on the history of racism in America throughout her story.
Great book and would recommend!
This is probably one of the best books I’ve read this year.. its beautifully written, thought provoking, informative, and honest.
There are a lot of layers to Drayton’s story.
On a personal level, I have to say this book hit me hard. As someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse, I understand how this can deeply traumatize an individual and her explanation of how the black community has faced this really made an impact on me. Many people experience this abuse under different circumstances and I greatly appreciate the author sharing her experience.
If narcissistic abuse becomes part of a culture, imagine how that would affect the rules of society and how much harder it would be to save the victims of the abuse. Ahem, “white America”?
The “Karens”, “Kevins”, and racists of the world express traits of NPD. It is especially obvious in our society where people of color are still being oppressed.
I also appreciate Drayton sharing the experience of coming to America as a young child, an immigrant, and as a black woman. She shares important life events and memories that truly paint the picture of what it is like for immigrants, children of immigrants, and black women in a racist society. She ties in information on the history of racism in America throughout her story.
Great book and would recommend!
January 25, 2022
Beautiful and insightful. A must read.
February 27, 2022
Thank you to Viking and GoodReads Giveaways for this advanced reader’s copy of Black American Refugee: Escaping the Narcism of the American Dream, which I received in exchange for a fair and honest review.
Tiffanie Drayton’s memoir begins with a friend asking her how she was able to predict the insurrection on January 6, 2021, and her answer is that she had a partner who was a narcissist. Her book then uses the pattern of an abusive relationship of a narcissist to describe her time in the United States.
The book takes us from her early schooling in New Jersey through fleeing the systemic racism in the United States and taking her children back to Trinidad and Tobago. The book details her mother’s struggles to find a safe, affordable home in a neighborhood with a good school. With the belief that education will set her children up to succeed economically, she chases after the home that will prepare them, but never catches it. As a young woman, Tiffanie tries to make her own life in the United States, finding herself similarly roadblocked, facing both overt and covert racism in a multitude of forms.
As a mother, it would be near impossible for your heart not to ache for young Tiffanie sexualized when she was still a child, read the slurs hurled at her online, and tell of the pain of watching her mother work herself through endless night shifts.
Drayton’s analogy of viewing the United States as an abusive narcissist shows the promises made of “if only you work hard enough” is an impossible mirage, as impossible as making a Narcissist treat you the way you deserve. A cycle of empty promises manufactured to make you just stay on the merry-go-round.
Drayton’s prose is a pleasure to read and her story is compelling, though painful. This book is supremely depressing—how do we fight systemic racism? How do we make our country safe for all? How do we take down towering white supremacy when calling someone a racist has become a crime in and of itself?
Hearing the stories is a start, I hope. Difficult does not mean impossible or that we need to give up. We can make USA keep its promises.
Tiffanie Drayton’s memoir begins with a friend asking her how she was able to predict the insurrection on January 6, 2021, and her answer is that she had a partner who was a narcissist. Her book then uses the pattern of an abusive relationship of a narcissist to describe her time in the United States.
The book takes us from her early schooling in New Jersey through fleeing the systemic racism in the United States and taking her children back to Trinidad and Tobago. The book details her mother’s struggles to find a safe, affordable home in a neighborhood with a good school. With the belief that education will set her children up to succeed economically, she chases after the home that will prepare them, but never catches it. As a young woman, Tiffanie tries to make her own life in the United States, finding herself similarly roadblocked, facing both overt and covert racism in a multitude of forms.
As a mother, it would be near impossible for your heart not to ache for young Tiffanie sexualized when she was still a child, read the slurs hurled at her online, and tell of the pain of watching her mother work herself through endless night shifts.
Drayton’s analogy of viewing the United States as an abusive narcissist shows the promises made of “if only you work hard enough” is an impossible mirage, as impossible as making a Narcissist treat you the way you deserve. A cycle of empty promises manufactured to make you just stay on the merry-go-round.
Drayton’s prose is a pleasure to read and her story is compelling, though painful. This book is supremely depressing—how do we fight systemic racism? How do we make our country safe for all? How do we take down towering white supremacy when calling someone a racist has become a crime in and of itself?
Hearing the stories is a start, I hope. Difficult does not mean impossible or that we need to give up. We can make USA keep its promises.
January 25, 2022
Powerful story. Beautifully written. A must read!
June 16, 2022
As an African-American woman of Caribbean descent, I found this book to be lacking in objectivity and authenticity. She makes her low self-esteem and poor decisions to be the fault of an entire country. Really? It was Millennial-leaning, entitled nonsense. Referring to herself as an "exile" or a "refugee" is a slap in the face to those people who have ACTUALLY lived the exile/refugee experience. Ms. Drayton would not have the fortitude or the resourcefulness to deal with REAL RACIAL ATROCITIES experienced by Black Americans and other Black immigrants during segregation/Jim Crow. This review would be too long to speak of her own misguided perception of her "magic Blackness" in comparison to the other Black people that she so rudely and superficially dismissed. By the time she and her family arrived here in the 1990s, all of the "heavy-lifting," and sacrifices were already made by those Black people from the AFRICAN DIASPORA who came here before her. Essentially, THEIR hard work, blood, sweat, tears in the face of repeated daily abuse made it possible for her to whine about her perceived mistreatment by America based on her skin color without ever experiencing any real racism. SMH...
March 20, 2022
I found this memoir to be very interesting. Tiffanie details her life growing up between the suburban, urban, various states, and shifts of socioeconomic class. I really enjoyed her takes on America as an narcissistic abuser, and the contrasts she drew from her abusive ex to the way systemic racism hurts blacks people in the US. My one issue with this book is that Trinidad & Tobago are painted as this promise land but we aren’t told in great detail why. As much as this is a memoir, Tiffani didn’t illustrate much of what her life in Tobago looks like now. I left with the impression that her life there is a fairytale, she lives in an utopia and very few images of what it’s actually like—-besides being less violent and racist than the United States.
May 8, 2022
I read this book with an open mind. While facts are facts and they demonstrate the myriad of issues within America, less we forget that the country was founded on genocide of Indigenous People, the flip side is the positive attributes.
That said, Any immigrant of color is going to experience B***s***. I learned from an early age you have to live around that and not internalize the everyday crap that surrounds you or you will get sucked into a very deep hole that is easy to feed. As humans we also tend to set our own traps and limitations on ourselves, which only get fed into based on what we experience outside of ourselves. We have to be careful who we let in to our world and what we let feed our souls
I found Ms. Drayton's writing is insightful as to who she is but TnT is no Utopia, and like any Island-Nation it is not without issues. Capitalism in the Islands is second to Nepotism with colorism right behind and Money talks. I know first hand, you can love your Island roots but opportunity at home can be limited as well...both sides force you to give up something to exist and there is no Utopia
That said, Any immigrant of color is going to experience B***s***. I learned from an early age you have to live around that and not internalize the everyday crap that surrounds you or you will get sucked into a very deep hole that is easy to feed. As humans we also tend to set our own traps and limitations on ourselves, which only get fed into based on what we experience outside of ourselves. We have to be careful who we let in to our world and what we let feed our souls
I found Ms. Drayton's writing is insightful as to who she is but TnT is no Utopia, and like any Island-Nation it is not without issues. Capitalism in the Islands is second to Nepotism with colorism right behind and Money talks. I know first hand, you can love your Island roots but opportunity at home can be limited as well...both sides force you to give up something to exist and there is no Utopia
March 28, 2022
It’s fine but there wasn’t enough in it for me.
I liked some of the anecdotes.
I liked the historical expositions.
I like that the author attempts to cover racism, sexism, and poverty.
But there just wasn’t enough.
She says things like, “It lurks behind every promise of love from a Black man” and nothing else. And you wonder if you miss something but it’s a solitary statement, hanging out there.
She wrote “my Black peers ostracized me for my enjoyment of complete, complex sentences” but she never mentions it anywhere else.
The autor definitely has an idealistic view of Trinidad and Tabago.
She went to one Carnival week and then she wants to live there instead of describing it with some nuance, according to the author, it’s a place without crime, or prejudice, or racism, or poverty.
She goes through history way too fast and skips a lot of importance and complicated moments.
She also went over the Haiti Revolution but skipped anything that didn’t support her argument.
You got to Wikipedia and you see Trinidad has had some problems too. The book doesn’t talk at all about slavery in Trinidad or it’s legacy there.
That was strange to me.
As an immigrant myself, I have seen people glorify and idealize their native country.
Oh, and yeah, she repeated that a lot that hip hop music that makes her hips roll.
That was one of her reasons for living in Trinidad: there’s no prejudice and they have carnival.
Her sister Niki and her brother are sill in America, though, right?
Also, we didn’t really get to know much about her ex boyfriend. Does he visit them in Trinidad?
Edit:
It was just strange. From Wikipedia, I learned thst Trinidad has a large Indian population. But you wouldn’t know it from this book.
I also thought it was strange that the author didn’t talk about the topic of colorism.
I liked some of the anecdotes.
I liked the historical expositions.
I like that the author attempts to cover racism, sexism, and poverty.
But there just wasn’t enough.
She says things like, “It lurks behind every promise of love from a Black man” and nothing else. And you wonder if you miss something but it’s a solitary statement, hanging out there.
She wrote “my Black peers ostracized me for my enjoyment of complete, complex sentences” but she never mentions it anywhere else.
The autor definitely has an idealistic view of Trinidad and Tabago.
She went to one Carnival week and then she wants to live there instead of describing it with some nuance, according to the author, it’s a place without crime, or prejudice, or racism, or poverty.
She goes through history way too fast and skips a lot of importance and complicated moments.
She also went over the Haiti Revolution but skipped anything that didn’t support her argument.
You got to Wikipedia and you see Trinidad has had some problems too. The book doesn’t talk at all about slavery in Trinidad or it’s legacy there.
That was strange to me.
As an immigrant myself, I have seen people glorify and idealize their native country.
Oh, and yeah, she repeated that a lot that hip hop music that makes her hips roll.
That was one of her reasons for living in Trinidad: there’s no prejudice and they have carnival.
Her sister Niki and her brother are sill in America, though, right?
Also, we didn’t really get to know much about her ex boyfriend. Does he visit them in Trinidad?
Edit:
It was just strange. From Wikipedia, I learned thst Trinidad has a large Indian population. But you wouldn’t know it from this book.
I also thought it was strange that the author didn’t talk about the topic of colorism.
July 17, 2022
3.75 stars
February 9, 2022
Very timely and insightful. Beautifully written. A must read!
September 21, 2022
This book is about how a woman comes to terms with how systematic racism and resultant trauma that keeps the American Dream away from Black people. The author starts by leaving Trinidad and Tobago to join her mother working in New Jersey. As the author grows up in America as a Black girl, she starts to wonder why Blacks seem to lack opportunities in school, neighborhoods, and communities. It's not until she returns to Trinidad that she begins to wonder if Black people will have to leave America to realize emancipation from white supremacy and racism.
This is such a unique memoir. The author uses her life story to discuss modern American racism. The book is not only well-written, but it is very informative because she uses a lot of personal details. Not only did she talk about her story as a Black woman in America, but she also talked about her own escape from a narcissistic relationship. It's so interesting how she interwove those two narratives together comparing America with a narcissistic abuser.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
This is such a unique memoir. The author uses her life story to discuss modern American racism. The book is not only well-written, but it is very informative because she uses a lot of personal details. Not only did she talk about her story as a Black woman in America, but she also talked about her own escape from a narcissistic relationship. It's so interesting how she interwove those two narratives together comparing America with a narcissistic abuser.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
June 12, 2022
Tiffanie Drayton’s memoir of her life in America told through the metaphor (sort-of) of an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Despite this, I found her memoir hopeful, optimistic, & at times very funny. Really paints a picture of being a black girl growing up in New Jersey, Houston, & Orlando during the 90s & early 2000s. Gives negative reviews of where she lived in Houston, her hoity-toity private school in Orlando, living in 2010s New Jersey, & America. Gives positive marks to Trinidad, Tobago, growing up in 90s New Jersey, & having a friend who’ll use their yearlong pass to Universal Orlando to get you and 4 other friends in for free. Part of her optimism is discovering that there’s more places to live in world than white America, which the Covid years especially vindicated.
June 11, 2022
A very angry and fearful account of why the author left the USA to live in Trinidad and Tobago several years ago. She was able because her mother was a citizen there. She left before 2016 and Trump as president and feels much safer there. I also feel that if I could, I’d leave for Canada. USA isn’t a thriving country anymore.
May 20, 2022
I to had to approach this book with an open mind especially since the title makes it seem like America is horrible. The author starts off by describing the horrible move to the States and how she went through so much growing up and that basically the times she returned home to Trinidad and Tobago were salvation. Drayton harps on the violence and racism of those with dark, brown or yellow skin in America, the systematic racism that affects the way of life. Failing to indicate that in her native country the same is going on, or failing to indicate the issues surrounding Indigenous people in America. But the biggest issue for me was the way she spoke of her children's father and his family and culture. "Haiti was a poor, disenfranchised country that was predominantly Black, so everything associated with it was less than, and I knew that fact would always give me the upper hand whenever I felt backed into a corner. I played that hand frequently, pointing out the many ways that association with my background conferred me power and privilege." Wow, "or I really saw no value in his native tongue."
She wanted him to basically disavow his culture. That's something. She was doing to him the same thing she left America for. Well-written book and spoke of a lot of the current issues. However, it comes off hypocritical and exaggerated.
She wanted him to basically disavow his culture. That's something. She was doing to him the same thing she left America for. Well-written book and spoke of a lot of the current issues. However, it comes off hypocritical and exaggerated.
April 29, 2022
Riveting! Tiffanie Drayton has a unique storytelling voice that kept me glued to the book even as the subject matter broke me.
Highly recommended.
Highly recommended.
January 2, 2023
Everyone should read this book.
August 28, 2022
Excellent analogy of US culture as a narcissistic, abusive relationship when it comes to Black Americans. All the stages are there, from love-bombing to jealous rages to promising to change and never delivering, to life-threatening incidents. Eye opening.
August 24, 2022
Easy reading. Good insights into US culture.
August 22, 2022
Much of the author's frustration with America and its struggle with racism is relatable. I found her American experience, from a Black woman's perspective, to be both interesting and heartbreaking at times. Additionally, this book has sparked my interest in someday visiting Trinidad and Tobago (T&T).
July 5, 2022
Drayton's opening premise of comparing the US to a narcissistic abuser was intriguing and brought me to this book. Unfortunately, it quickly devolved into a typical story of selfish Millennial entitlement, where the author makes countless bad choices while deflecting any accountability. She sort of addresses and explains this in the epilogue, but too little too late.
January 14, 2022
Profoundly insightful and engaging read.
August 1, 2022
Brilliant, honest, and heartfelt memoir. Drayton wants to love America, but America is a fickle lover. One which, in fact, has many of the hallmark characteristics of an abusive relationship. Drawing this parallel illuminates patterns that Black Americans and immigrants from all over must contend with, and hammers home how the daily micro-aggressions amount to death by a thousand papercuts. Seeing our national culture through the eyes of an outsider looking in (or trying to get in, or trying to fit in), especially though such rich and colorful writing as Drayton graces us with, will impact you in new and fresh ways and draw you into wanting more.
March 17, 2022
I'm not usually into memoirs, but this was such a good read. The author, Tiffanie Drayton does a great job at telling her story and explaining the traumas the Black Woman experience in America. She also goes into detail about important events in history that shaped and continue to shape the lives of Black Americans. This is truly an exceptional read!
July 9, 2022
This is a must read for anyone that wants to understand the experience of a Black refugee in America’s racist system. I am so honored to have read your story Tiffanie and hope that your story inspires change. Thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to share it with us.
August 26, 2022
A gripping story that is both personal and universal. Essential reading for white Americans (myself included) who genuinely want to understand institutional racism and its impact. A beautifully written testament to the power and resilience of a Black woman and her family.
July 18, 2024
I appreciate the honesty in which the author shared her truth about her life and her view of the world. There were times when she admitted to feeling superior to other students and admitted to joining the rich kids in making fun of their uniforms or their situations. And she later reminded us of it when she herself was the subject of the same type of mockery. In another example, she was in the waiting room of the clinic and felt herself superior to the situation and the women there, only to later find herself needing the government’s welfare and WIC to have and care for her own child. This book was about her growth and what it took for her to find her own happiness amongst the racism covert and overt that she experienced and how it affected her as well as what she learned along her journey. She admitted to wanting the white life only to find solace and returning home to her Trinidad. It is not easy to write a memoir where you show your thoughts, both positive and negative and share them with the world knowing you could easily be judged, or taken out of context. But she did, and in finishing the book, one would see where her life did come full circle forcing her to face her own prejudices and weaknesses as and seek counseling in order to grow and move on.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 23, 2022
I really wanted to like this book. I do appreciate the author’s perspective, and I think it’s important. I do appreciate her honesty in sharing her own biases, but I’m not actually sure she fully recognizes the depth of her hurtful opinions about and on Black Americans and refugee communities. The context provided by the statistics and studies she summarized about systemic racism are important but felt like afterthoughts, disconnected from the author’s story or journey.
I felt physically ill reading about her disdain for Haitian culture. I wanted to stop reading when she described her fear of becoming fat like the pregnant woman she spoke to at her doctor’s waiting room. The lack of empathy was painful, and I don’t really think the author reconciles that. If the point is that empathy is a privilege I didn’t see that either. The author’s ongoing sense of entitlement and desire to separate herself from other immigrant and Black people was hard to read, though I acknowledge it’s an important and valid consequence of systemic racism. I just also wanted way more resolution of the author’s short sightedness than we got here.
I felt physically ill reading about her disdain for Haitian culture. I wanted to stop reading when she described her fear of becoming fat like the pregnant woman she spoke to at her doctor’s waiting room. The lack of empathy was painful, and I don’t really think the author reconciles that. If the point is that empathy is a privilege I didn’t see that either. The author’s ongoing sense of entitlement and desire to separate herself from other immigrant and Black people was hard to read, though I acknowledge it’s an important and valid consequence of systemic racism. I just also wanted way more resolution of the author’s short sightedness than we got here.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews