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336 pages, Hardcover
First published December 7, 2021
We connect, and the Catherine wheel is set alight, blazing. The two of us run to the farthest edge of the yard, cheeks pulsing with heat and excitement. The wheel turns, a whirling dervish cast ing its hypnotic spell, and I’m there, in the happy scene I’ve been chasing. I am eight, held high on my father’s shoulders. The fireworks display burned so brightly and boomed so loudly, the sound momentarily drowning out my internal hissing and cackling, which I hadn’t known had been a constant until that moment.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Behind my lids a kaleidoscope of various shades and patterns of darkness play out. The creatures stir and rouse themselves, a kinetic force of nature, a flock programmed to fly thousands of miles, even in inclement weather, even if they might be flying to their death. My eyes open just as my mouth does. This shouldn’t happen, not while I’m sober, and not in front of this angry, wretched boy. It’s all I can do to witness the stream of abuse I hurl at the world, the boy, who turns and observes me in a detached manner, as if he’s watching a play, and maybe he is, and I’m entirely taken over by the character I’m playing