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440 pages, Paperback
First published August 26, 2021
The same goes for the schools he applies to. His father hopes he'll be offered a scholarship, Landon wants to go to NYC to become a writer.
And then, one day, he sees a shirtless guy cleaning graffiti off a wall at school, and he can't stop thinking about him. It throws everything he thought he knew about himself, out of the window.
It confuses him. Why can't he stop thinking about the guy? Why is he suddenly curious to find out how it would feel to touch a guy, to kiss him while he has the best and sweetest girlfriend he could wish for?
I loved the genuine highschool vibe this story has. The confused teenager we all can relate to. The real life worries, the teenage conversations and behavior - like a messy room, where clothes are lingering that make the room smell.
I also loved how the mystery surrounding Caleb was done. Just like Landon, we as a reader, are given bits and pieces of information to form a picture. Caleb's life has been all but an easy ride. I felt for him, wanted to make things better for him. Not that he truly needed that - he was well capable of taking care of himself and the only family member he cares about, Parker, but still...at times I really wanted to hug him.
"I loved kissing you," I said before turning around. Caleb's hand was on the doorknob but hadn't pulled it open. He just stood there with his back to me. "I've never felt happier kissing anyone in my life. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like, but I know that when I'm with you, I finally feel free."
While Landon's confusion consumes him, we also feel the longing for Caleb, and at the same time his fear for hurting Lauren, his girlfriend, which leaves him making decisions that are not for his best interest, but very understandable.
His grief for his mother, his sadness was palpable. It made me tear up when he was in his dad's room and looking at her picture, remembering and missing her. A very emotional, touching scene! It made me feel all the emotions.
The secondary characters are really interesting; all of them are just as dimensional as Landon and Caleb. Genuine, real life teenagers, with typical teenager thoughts and problems.
One of them is Steven, a guy who Landon used to be friends with. I felt for him, the way he was bullied for being gay. And still he tried to be himself, brave enough to not hide who he was.
"Look at you. We're very different, Landon," Steven said with a small chuckle. "You're a jock, you blend in with the crowd. I'm a fem boy who practically sweats glitter, it's obvious. No one suspects you because you have a deep voice and the clothes you wear are normal."
There is so much more to this story than Landon finding out his sexuality. Trigger warnings should be read and taken seriously. There's bullying, use of drugs, (internalized) homophobia, loss of a parent, mention of suicide, domestic violence. All of that brings so many layers to this story that it makes it a lot more than just a young adult, coming of age novel. It perfectly unravels the complications that is the teenagers world.
"What do you want me to say?"
"You tell me," he said flatly.
I closed my eyes, sitting there thinking. All I could see behind my eyelids was Caleb's face. I felt a collection of butterflies fill my stomach and took a deep breath.
"I'm..." I hesitated. "...gay," I whispered.
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"...I'm gay," I said a little louder with my eyes still closed.
"I couldn't hear you, speak up, please."
"I'm gay," I said, with a raised voice. I could feel the butterflies building as they pushed their way up to my chest.
"One more time for the people in the back!"
The butterflies forced their way to my throat, and I squeezed my eyes and let them escape. "I'M GAY!" I screamed toward the roof of the car, releasing the butterflies into the air with my words of affirmation. My chest felt like I lifted an anvil off of it.
It's hard to believe this is a debut novel. The writing is so good. Flawless. And the dialogues are perfect (and I'm a sucker for those). I think everyone should read this book, though I can also understand that not everyone wants to be reminded of one of the most complicated periods in human life - the misunderstandings, the insecurity's, the confusion about who you are and who you want to be, where you want to go with your life. The search for answers to questions that are not always so easy to answer. In the end the basics for who you turn out to become, for which course your life will take, is set in those complicated teenage years, and I think the author did an extremely good job to make you, as a reader, relive and relate again.
This book is not perfect, hence the 4,5 stars. I had a bit of an issue with the things that happened after the prom. I got that Dan was changing. I also think I understood where he was coming from. His internalized homophobia was like this growing tumor that he could not overcome. Assuming it was his internalized homophobia, because even though the author points in that direction, we never really get Dan's confirmation. But I think it's quite a long way from bullying by calling names and punching, to what Dan did in the end. But that might be me.
I highly recommend this book and truly feel like you are missing out on something beautiful if you let this one pass.
I kindly received an ARC and this is my honest, unbiased review