The Ugly Cry: How I Became a Person

by Danielle Henderson

"A sharp, hilarious memoir about a nontraditional upbringing and growing up Black in a predominantly white community"--

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Biography Memoir, Biography, Book Club, Race

304 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 8, 2021

About the author

Danielle Henderson is a TV writer (Maniac, Dare Me, Harper House), retired freelance writer, and a former editor for Rookie. She cohosts the film podcast I Saw What You Did, and a book based on her popular website, Feminist Ryan Gosling, was released by Running Press in August 2012. She has been published by The New York Times, The Guardian, AFAR magazine, BuzzFeed, and The Cut, among others. She likes to watch old episodes of Doctor Who when she is on deadline, one of her tattoos is based on the movie Rocky, and she will never stop using the Oxford comma. Danielle reluctantly lives in Los Angeles.

Reviews

[Jenna ❤ ❀ ❤ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know who came up with the idea that grandmas are sweet old ladies, doling out cookies and kisses, warm laps and bedtime stories.

But whoever came up with the stereotype hadn't met either of my grandmas, nor had they met Danielle Henderson's. Sweet old lady baking cookies and cuddling up the grandkids?



Yeh, that's more like it.

Danielle was mostly raised by her foul-mouthed, horror-movie-watchng, no-nonsense grandmother. The Ugly Cry is the story of her childhood, which is anything but ideal.

As horrific as things sometimes were, Ms. Henderson does not stew in self-pity. Instead, she tells her story with acerbic wit. It's not a funny story - it's heartbreaking at times - but the way she tells it had me smiling and even laughing at times.

I found this memoir unputdownable. I feel like I know Danielle Henderson, that we were sitting down together with a cup of coffee, as she regaled me with the story of her early years.

If you enjoy memoirs or reading about unconventional childhoods, you do not want to miss this book.

[Jenny Lawson · Rating 5 out of 5]

So, so painfully good, y'all.

[Virginia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came to this book because I know a few people who were raised by their grandparents and wanted something that would bring light to the situation in a funny way. This book gave me that as well as so much more.

I would describe this book as heartbreakingly funny. Danielle Henderson is raw and open about her childhood, describing scenes of abuse in one house with scenes of humor in her next living situation. She starts her story at the beginning, talking about how her mother ran away from home on a wild romance but came back with a son and another baby on the way. She then moves into her early childhood, poking fun at the world in the 80s and the excessive freedom she was given as she grew up in an era when child safety wasn't as much of a concern. The story turns dark though when her mom falls in love with a man who turns out to be wildly abusive. After a horrifying event, Danielle finds her and her brother left on their grandma's doorstep with no where else to go. This is where the humor comes back as we see the generational clashes between Danielle and her grandmother, who clearly loves her grandkids but refuses to coddle them.

This memoir runs the gamut of emotions, but each scene is on purpose. Without understanding what she comes from, how can we see where she goes next? Danielle's relationship with her grandmother is the best part of the book, showing how tough love and a wide generation gap aren't really obstacles as much as features that define a pretty decent life. Danielle shows that no one is perfect, least of all herself, and that honesty will make you fall more in love with her family. Her storytelling is top notch and her humor is laugh-out-loud good.

I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to read stories about dysfunctional families and coming of age tales.

**Read thanks to an ARC from Viking**

[Elizabeth George]

I loved this book. It's a memoir that easily could have turned into a wallow in poor-little-me. But instead it's a frank look at a childhood lived with a grandmother who might possibly be the worst role model a child could ever have: a short-tempered, foul-mouthed, drinking, smoking harridan whose daughter abandoned two of her children--the author being one of them--in order to take up life with an abusive drug-taking loser. Go figure. But this grandmother loves her children to the end of the earth and somehow they know it. As a result, the memoir is hilarious at times, disheartening at times, maddening at times, but always, always entertaining. It's a delight.

[Kristin Ogburn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received an advance copy of this memoir in a Goodreads giveaway - to be published June 8th. I read it in one sitting as it was SO good. The author describes a tumultuous childhood living with her mom and abusive boyfriend and then at age 10, with her grandparents until she left for college (her spitfire but loving grandmother reminded me of J.D. Vance's grandmother in Hillbilly Elegy). The author's childhood is heartbreaking but she finds humor throughout. Also, I love that she always had a library book in hand as her escape.

In an interview, the author answered the question, What do you hope readers will take away from your book? "The great capacity we have to survive. The boulders of joy we can find among the pebbles of pain. I want readers to feel that their families are an origin story, not an endpoint."

[Brenda Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book - emotional rollercoaster. Amazing writing. One of the best memoirs I have read. Ever.
As a survivor of child abuse including sexual abuse, oh this book hit all the feels. Reading saved me as well - books, thirst for knowledge and good grades in school as a means to freedom.
This book is a love letter - not only to her younger self but to her grandmother. Breathtakingly gorgeous and emotional.
Danielle recounts her first 18 years as a forty something adult. Her mother's return to her mother's house with Danielle's older brother, pregnant belly.
Danielle's life consisted of her grandmother's house for the first few years, until her mother moved them into an apartment. Later she begins dating Luke - the man of violence and abuse.
Until finally at the age of 10, Danielle is dumped at her grandmother's; a temporary solution that became long term, granting Danielle the love, stability and safety she desperately needed.
The love, laughter, sadness, abuse.
The harsh honesty of this book.
One of the best books I've read.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

really solid and readable memoir, would have liked a bit more follow through and closure on what actually ended up happening in danielle's life as well as the rest of her family rather than having it end abruptly when she reaches college.

[Nnenna | notesbynnenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

This book wasn’t really on my radar, but I picked up this coming-of-age memoir because it was the July Literary League pick and I thought it was very good. I listened to it on audio over the course of two days and for me, it worked really well as an audiobook.

It’s narrated by the author and she’s telling the story of her difficult childhood while infusing a lot of humor into her writing. As you can imagine, that humor comes through so brightly in the audiobook and I felt like her personality really shone. She writes about her family, including her relationships with her brother, mother, and grandmother, about being poor and on welfare, and about what it was like growing up in the 70s and 80s.

I really enjoyed her voice, both her narration and her writing. She definitely went through some trauma as a child, which she writes about openly and honestly. I don’t think it would have been easy; in fact, I think it would have taken a lot of healing as an adult for her to be able to write this book. I didn’t know who she was before picking this up, and it made me want to learn more about her and find out what she’s up to now. And I hope she writes a second memoir because I want to know what her life was like after she left for college and how she became a TV writer!

CW: domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse, suicidal ideation, depression

[Laura • lauralovestoread · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s always hard to review a memoir, but if I could, I would give even more stars for The Ugly Cry. It was so raw and heartfelt, and I loved every minute of it.

Danielle brought humor through sharing her childhood pain, and as I finished reading, I had tears, and could feel the love she had for her grandmother.

*many thanks to the publisher for the gifted copy

[Kerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

WHEW. Loved this book. All the blurbs are like “heartbreaking AND hilarious” and it is. A beautiful and totally unexpected story of a granddaughter/grandma relationship.

[Cher 'N Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars = Good and worthwhile but something held it back from being great.

Children were not to be seen or heard and were definitely not to complain about any injuries sustained during the fifteen hours a day we were roaming the streets. The 1980s were a decade of neglect, and I haven’t felt freedom or terror like it since.

I probably would have enjoyed this memoir more if I had not recently finished the powerful one by Viola Davis. This one paled in comparison, but the author’s special relationship with her badass grandmother made it worth finishing and was the only source of humor I found in a book everyone else calls hilarious.

Otherwise, there wasn’t much to make it stand out from dozens of other memoirs where the authors shared similar circumstances when they were young. Not a bad read, just one that I feel like I have already read several times with no unique distinctions.

The rush of adrenaline I used to get when someone told me I could stay up past my bedtime has since been replaced with the wave of euphoria I feel whenever I realize I can go to sleep before 9:00 p.m.
-------------------------------------------
First Sentences: I’ve never seen my grandmother bake a cookie, wear a shawl, give good advice, or hug a child unprompted. I have, however, heard her curse so intensely I swear she was making some of them up on the spot, watched her obsess over horror movies with an academic intensity, and listened to her frequent lectures about the reasons every woman should not only carry a knife at all times but also fully be prepared to use it: “A man wants to put his hands on you? Carry a little secret knife. Cut his throat. Ask questions later.”

Favorite Quote: Grandma had been encouraging me to castrate men since I was old enough to know what dicks even were.

[Kim Gausepohl · Rating 3 out of 5]

A snapshot of 70s-90s culture (Action Park!) and a portrait of a family. I was disappointed by the “and then…” structure, the lack of introspection and reflection, and the sudden epiphanies at the end of some chapters.

[amma.keep.reading · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story was unputdownable. A love story from a granddaughter to her very memorable grandmother.

[Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best memoirs I’ve ever listened to. Simultaneously hilarious and devastating, the story of Danielle’s childhood is one of a kind. I laughed out loud constantly at the interactions she had with her Grandma. And I cried when Dani spoke her truth and confided in her Grandma about the trauma she endured as a child at the hands of her mom’s boyfriend. I’m in awe. What a treasure this book is.

[Nursebookie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you @prhaudio for the audiobook!

Such an amazing memoir!

[Maddie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm finding it a little hard to gather my thoughts on this book... In short, I liked The Ugly Cry, but not as much as expected. I found it hard to connect with the author and did not become particularly invested in her story, which I think was mainly due to the writing style. The constant switches between the more light-hearted/'humourous' moments and the descriptions of trauma felt unbalanced. There were a lot of dramatic closing statements at the end of chapters which felt abrupt and awkward. I also think that sometimes too much detail was placed on less engaging moments, whereas others were rushed. That said, I genuinely enjoyed the book at times. Her grandma was a real character and I liked reading about her. It was interesting to see Danielle's perception of her change as she got older. I also appreciated the honest descriptions of her childhood struggles (it was frustrating to read about her mother, who was a terrible parent). Overall, I think The Ugly Cry is decent but not super memorable.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

Henderson’s grandmother was the highlight of this book. She was vividly and hilariously remembered, and in the later chapters I enjoyed that the author matured and grew to understand her grandmother as a more complex human. I was also in awe of how she chose to write about her experiences of childhood abuse, something it’s taken her decades to face and grapple with.

However, something felt missing to me overall in this memoir… perhaps it’s because I hadn’t heard of Henderson before reading this? It was odd to me that she spoke about being a fashion designer the entire book, then all of a sudden mentioned she’s a TV writer, with no explanation of that transition. I hope that what was missing is that her best is yet to come :)

[Chrisie August · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author is my age, we grew up during the same time period, same music, same foods, same news…. But our lives were so vastly different. Kudos to Danielle Henderson for putting herself out there, and driving on despite the shit she was dealt in life.

[Raven · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I’ve never seen my grandmother bake a cookie, wear a shawl, give good advice, or hug a child unprompted. I have however, heard her curse so intensely I swear she was making some of them up on the spot, watched her obsess over horror movies with an academic intensity, and listened to her frequent lectures about the reasons every woman should not only carry a knife at all times but also fully be prepared to use it.”

Not too long ago, a friend introduced me to a podcast called “I Saw What You Did” (thank you, Kirstie!). It has been a favorite of mine ever since, and it is co-hosted by Danielle Henderson and Millie DeChirico. I think it is during the inaugural episode that Henderson introduces listeners to her grandmother and her grandmother’s catchphrase “Carry a knife. Cut his throat.” So before I knew of this book, I was already enamored of Danielle and her grandmother. But the paragraph that I’ve shared above really resonated with me because it reminds me so much of my own maternal grandmother. My grandmother, Hazel, was a firecracker. She was equal parts made-from-scratch peanut butter cookies, Hallmark films, annotated bedside bibles, radical kindness and Crown Royal, Doral full-flavor 100’s, obscure curse words, and a fearless willingness to both start and finish any fight. In the acknowledgement section of The Ugly Cry, Henderson calls her grandmother the love of her life, and I hadn’t thought of it that way, but my grandmother is similarly one of the many loves of my life too. This memoir is so particularly beautiful because Henderson gives language to many experiences that I hadn’t yet found words for yet.

I admire the way that Henderson writes about her family, particularly her mother and grandmother. She is able to both revere them and hold them accountable for their mistakes. These two short pieces about her mother struck me: “When Mom did my hair, she always gave me cornrows or tight braids. Watching her shake her hair around shaped my idea of freedom—there were no barrettes, no rubber bands, no bobby pins.” and also, “Mom was always getting it half right—she came to my rescue when I needed it but still found a way to blame me for needing to be rescued in the first place.” Henderson so effortlessly finds her way to the point that we are not carbon copies of the people who raise us, but much of who we turn out to be is the result of their efforts, their mistakes, and their presence/absence in our lives.

Most of all, I admire the way that Henderson regards the future as a concept of infinite possibility and freedom rather: “Warwick was almost behind me, but more importantly, everything that kept me rooted in place for so long was starting to become irrelevant. I didn’t spend the summer partying and bemoaning the inevitable loss of friendship; I breathed into the possibility of who I could become more and more every day, knowing that my friends would be part of my heart forever.” and “Everything, right then, was perfect. The future was a sparkling road with countless exit ramps, a choose-your-own-adventure book come to life.” I’m too sleepy to write a good and coherent review, but this book is wonderful. In the same way that the people who raise us shape us, I think the same is true for the literature that we read. If that is true then this is one of those instances in which The Ugly Cry is the chisel and I am the clay. Fingers crossed that Henderson’s emotional honesty, riotous sense of humor, and whole-hearted embrace of the future rub off on me.

[Paisley Princess · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Ugly Dry

Danielle Henderson’s life was nothing pretty: her father left the family before she was born, her self-absorbed mother cared more about keeping her man than she did protecting her kids, and she was raised by a woman who at best was all tough love, and at worst cruel and uncaring. At its core, “The Ugly Cry” is all of this, but it’s not enough to keep your interest.

They say that one can be a great writer, but that doesn’t mean one can write a story well. For Henderson, this appears to be the case. The book lacks a pull that drags the reader into Henderson’s story, into how she felt, and the empathy needed to connect to her. The Ugly Cry is written, and it’s told, but it’s not moving. What’s more perplexing is we read a lot about Henderson’s struggles, but her story doesn’t elaborate much on the family dynamics of her mother or her grandmother. Had there been more focus on this, we might understand why Grandma was at times loving, and other times too harsh on her kids and grandkids. We may even understand why Henderson’s mother’s indifference to her kids and why they weren’t a priority in her life.

Also lacking is what we don’t know: We know what happens to grandma, and we see snippets of how Henderson fates, but we really don’t know what became of her. What became of her mother and her abusive partner? Did she ever reconcile with her? What about her brother? Those gaps make for an incomplete picture of Henderson’s story.

The Ugly Cry left lots to be desired in terms of content and prose.

[Jillian Doherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this- to laugh and cry, to feel such raw emotions, and then emerge from them anew!

Danielle's keenly sharp tones allows her narrative feel like a page-turning novel. From her strength and determination, her loss of one family member to find love in another, her ability to stand up to society and its malignant views on race and creativity are all so empowering, as they are heart-wrenching.

And then there's her wonderful grandma! (selfishly she reminds me of my own fierce and fiery matriarch, who's maiden name was also Henderson :). But wow, what a women and a pivotal figure!

June 2021 can't come quick enough, totally worth preordering now.

Galley borrowed from the publisher.

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

Want to hear about my hometown from someone with the exact opposite experience that I had there? It’s always fascinating to me that a town that felt like a welcoming safe haven to me, when I moved there in high school, was a place that many people wanted to escape. In Henderson’s case, there are several influential factors in that feeling, beyond the town itself, but it’s still interesting to hear about her experiences in the same local spots where I’ve spent time.

The Ugly Cry is emotional in many moments but makes you chuckle in others; Henderson’s humor about the stressors she encountered lightens the somber parts of the book to make it a quick and engrossing read.

[Kristen M. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This young Black girl saved herself earlier than thought possible by going to the public library and reading to escape her situation. She was raised by her ball-busting grandmother and quiet grandfather after being abandoned with her brother by her mother and her mother's lousy abusive boyfriend.

I had never heard of sleep paralysis connected to sexual abuse before I read this book. The book is the author's story from early childhood up to her freshman college year. I want to know more about Grandma's decline and what happened with the author's relationship with her mother.

This book is a feminist celebration of the proud, principled, fiercely protective grandmothers who show up for their grandchildren when their mothers and fathers cannot or will not care for them. Danielle was not only saved by her firebrand grandmother, but was also taught to save herself. I loved it.

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

for every kid where "home" was not a safe space, i think we all wished we all had a shit talking hardass grandmom that would hop in a taxi like Dani's. heartbreaking and true. i could not put it down.

[Colleen Oakes · Rating 4 out of 5]

It made me laugh, and I truly fell in love with Henderson's grandmother. While I couldn't quite trace an overarching theme to the essays as I have with other memoirs, I was content for this one to just make me laugh, feel and cry in the right ways. Henderson fully possesses her dry wit - sharp as a knife and just as fast (see: every interaction with her brother) and I loved reading about this very flawed, very loving and very funny family.

[Tessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written!! Funny but I found myself crying at multiple points.

[Rebecca Newland · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an engaging story. Previously, I knew very little about Danielle Henderson. Her insights into her own growth and family connections through childhood and adolescence were fascinating. I listened over two short days!

[Danielle Kaitlin (daniallreads) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Memoirs are interesting creatures. They're not generally a genre I seek out to read but my book club has picked them every few months and they tend to surprise me in the best way!

Danielle Henderson's memoir was tough for me to get through. I advise anyone on the fence about picking this one up be aware of triggers. It was really hard for me to continue forward after reading about her experience with domestic violence from a family member.

I was very close to "dnf"-ing. I am so happy that I didn't! The unique love story is what made me push through. I adored the relationship dynamic and arc between Danielle and her grandmother. It was a very beautiful experience reading about Danielle becoming the strong woman that she is today through not only her tragic experiences but more importantly the love she receives from her grandmother.

Her personal voice reflects intimately through her writing. It feels like you're reading an entry from her childhood journal. The way she drops in moments of humor while sharing stories from her life makes all the painful experiences easier to consume. Her accounts of growing up and the memories she's shared from her childhood bring the reader nostalgia especially for the 80's babies.

A big theme throughout Henderson's novel is family & the hardships we experience together. Danielle experiences tough love even on the day that she was born. My favorite story that she tells is about the day her mother brought her home from the hospital. Her older brother was feeling extremely jealous. The actions that he takes and the way Henderson tells this story is just one example of how her humor really translates through her writing. She lightens her toughest days with moments of hilarity.

When closed the back cover, I felt like I wanted more. The ending feels very abrupt and Danielle's acknowledgement section where she thanks her family members left me with more questions.

I am so glad that I finished this! There is a lot to love about this book. The nostalgic memories from the 80's, living in a world where you're always different, Danielle's humorous voice but most importantly the love story between granddaughter and grandmother.

[Cindy (leavemetomybooks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review TK - need to stop crying first. GodDAMN this was good. Danielle is so smart and hilarious and shares her story with such honesty — and I love her Grandma.

[Jenna · Rating 3 out of 5]

well written memoir. some humor. her grandma was quite the character.
Many kids are being raised by their grandparents so I thought it was a very relatable story.
The narrative moves along at a good pace with short chapters and concise writing. The writer doesn't overdo the descriptions by bogging the reader in detail.
And while I don't watch the shows she writes for nor was I familiar with her other work, I see the "tv writer" shining through in her narrative.


Negative-I realize this was a memoir about her childhood being raised by her grandparents and her relationship with her grandmother. But I would have liked more about the closure she had with her mom, any relationship with her half-siblings and what happened after she revealed her "big secret" to her grandma.

quotes:
"Henderson women have--and I believe this is the clinical term--absolutely enormous tits. My mom's tits were always inching out of the top of her bra like a glass of water about to spill. Balanced on her tiny frame, they looked like a burden. One look at her and I'd decided that boobs were bad news, and I wanted nothing to do with them."


"No one gave a s*** about sunscreen; we rubbed ourselves down with baby oil like f****ing idiots and crisped ourselves on bath towels like strips of bacon. For most people, summer wasn't in full swing until the straps of your bathing suit left grill marks on your shoulders, or you could peel long strips of blistered skin from your back like a sheet of loose-leaf paper."

"It was advertised as a water park full of family fun and excitement but was, in reality, a demented, slap-dash horror show built by a conglomerate of Scooby-Doo villains, where every ride could end your life.
....Cory worked there for a summer, but he refuses to talk about it to this day, like a soldier who returned from the war with PTSD."