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What White Parents Should Know about Transracial Adoption: An Adoptee's Perspective on Its History, Nuances, and Practices
The White Fragility for transracial adoption--practical tools for nurturing identity, unlearning white saviorism, and fixing the mistakes you don't even know you're making.
If you're the white parent of a transracially or internationally adopted child, you may have been told that if you try your best and work your hardest, good intentions and a whole lot of love will be enough to give your child the security, attachment, and nurturing family life they need to thrive.
The only problem? It's not true. What White Parents Need to Know About Transracial Adoption breaks down the dynamics that frequently fly under the radar of the whitewashed, happily-ever-after adoption stories we hear so often.
Written by Melissa Guida-Richards--a transracial, transnational, and late-discovery adoptee--this book unpacks the mistakes you don't even know you're making and gives you the real-life tools to be the best parent you can be, to the child you love more than anything.
From original research, personal stories, and interviews with parents and adoptees, you'll learn:
• What parents wish they'd known before they adopted--and what kids wish their adoptive parents had done differently
• What white privilege, white saviorism, and toxic positivity are...and how they show up, even when you don't mean it
• How your child might feel and experience the world differently than you
• All about microaggressions, labeling, and implicit bias
• How to help your child connect with their cultural heritage through language, food, music, and clothing
• The 5 stages of grief for adoptive parents
• How to start tough conversations, work with defensiveness, and process guilt
If you're the white parent of a transracially or internationally adopted child, you may have been told that if you try your best and work your hardest, good intentions and a whole lot of love will be enough to give your child the security, attachment, and nurturing family life they need to thrive.
The only problem? It's not true. What White Parents Need to Know About Transracial Adoption breaks down the dynamics that frequently fly under the radar of the whitewashed, happily-ever-after adoption stories we hear so often.
Written by Melissa Guida-Richards--a transracial, transnational, and late-discovery adoptee--this book unpacks the mistakes you don't even know you're making and gives you the real-life tools to be the best parent you can be, to the child you love more than anything.
From original research, personal stories, and interviews with parents and adoptees, you'll learn:
• What parents wish they'd known before they adopted--and what kids wish their adoptive parents had done differently
• What white privilege, white saviorism, and toxic positivity are...and how they show up, even when you don't mean it
• How your child might feel and experience the world differently than you
• All about microaggressions, labeling, and implicit bias
• How to help your child connect with their cultural heritage through language, food, music, and clothing
• The 5 stages of grief for adoptive parents
• How to start tough conversations, work with defensiveness, and process guilt
256 pages, Paperback
First published October 5, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
October 24, 2022
A little while back I read American Baby: A Mother, a Child, and the Shadow History of Adoption which opened my eyes to the problematic history of adoption, but also gave the impression that such practices had been eliminated with increased accessibility to abortion. In response to my review of that book I got a comment which shocked me and is largely why I picked up this book when I saw it at the library. I had hoped to get a better understanding of why the commenter would feel the way they did, and I did learn a little about the trauma of adoption for the adoptee even with well meaning and loving parents. I just wished there was a little more as this often felt a little too open and vague. To be fair though this did educate me on many aspects of transracial adoption that I had not considered, and there are further references at the end that I may pursue in the future.
December 26, 2022
There are so many problems with this book. What’s jumping out right now is the total immaturity and lack of professionalism from the author. Her tone is steeped in the bitterness of her personal negative experience of being lied to about her origins. I’d appreciate if she had written a book about her own story and then wrapped it up with thoughts on adoption. But she is attempting to pass this as a professional work based on research, which it is not. Don’t let the citations fool you- she is presenting a single point of view, which (no surprises based on the title) is highly critical of transracial adoption. She cites informal twitter surveys of 50 people that she personally conducted. And quotes from Facebook pages from people spouting their opinions.
I can push through the *extremely* informal and faddish social terminology, the hundred times she uses the incomplete phrase “do the work” without saying what that means, and the assertions about white people (who cannot help their race) needing to come to terms with the “ethical dilemmas” that come with their individual existence. But what made me finally write down some of these thoughts is her insistence that adoption isn’t better, it’s different (p100).
Author: say what you mean. Do you mean adoption isn’t better than a child having been able to stay with her birth family to begin with? Or do you mean adoption isn’t better than a child growing up in the foster care system? Adoption isn’t better, just different- than what? “Adoption isn’t better than non-adoption” isn’t enough because what that looks like differs vastly from person to person.
Additionally, her intolerance of socio-political positions different from her own, and her venomous contempt for Christian people, church groups, and organizations, gives many passages a hateful tone that she could have excised by focusing on facts instead of her feelings.
This book needed serious editing, or for the author to have waited 20 years to write it.
Best material was Chapter 6- Search and Reunion.
I can push through the *extremely* informal and faddish social terminology, the hundred times she uses the incomplete phrase “do the work” without saying what that means, and the assertions about white people (who cannot help their race) needing to come to terms with the “ethical dilemmas” that come with their individual existence. But what made me finally write down some of these thoughts is her insistence that adoption isn’t better, it’s different (p100).
Author: say what you mean. Do you mean adoption isn’t better than a child having been able to stay with her birth family to begin with? Or do you mean adoption isn’t better than a child growing up in the foster care system? Adoption isn’t better, just different- than what? “Adoption isn’t better than non-adoption” isn’t enough because what that looks like differs vastly from person to person.
Additionally, her intolerance of socio-political positions different from her own, and her venomous contempt for Christian people, church groups, and organizations, gives many passages a hateful tone that she could have excised by focusing on facts instead of her feelings.
This book needed serious editing, or for the author to have waited 20 years to write it.
Best material was Chapter 6- Search and Reunion.
February 1, 2022
I can’t even begin to describe how impactful this book is on my life as an adoptive mom and will sequentially be on my son’s life. Know better, do better. I will recommend this book and gift this book to anyone I hear even thinking of adopting.
January 23, 2025
A few highlights :
“Another unique complication for transracial adoptees is that we experience an umbrella of white privilege when we are with our white adoptive family that protects us, but the second we are out on our own and do not have our adoptive families around to vouch for us, we lose that protection; at this point, we must be prepared for the social implications of being a BIPOC. If we are raised in homes that promote colorblindness, we can be left vulnerable and unprepared for the reality of our position in a country built on systemic racism.”
“The theory of cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort that individuals feel when faced with conflicting beliefs, behaviors, or attitudes. When applied to the adoption industry and the way adoptive parents react when faced with the nuances and sometimes ethical issues of the process, we can see how the need to reduce dissonance can pressure them to avoid certain hard truths like the trauma in adoption. 4 Cognitive dissonance refers to the discomfort we feel as a result of holding two beliefs, attitudes, or conflicting values.”
“The fact that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide is not discussed." Social media falsely portrays adoption as a simple solution to global societal issues when, in reality, adoption is a Band-Aid for what happens when we fail to support those of us in need.”
“Many programs tend to push the pro-adoption narrative because they see it as the best option for the child and adoptive couple, but it is often not supportive of the expectant mother. When we fail to support women in need, women who don't really want to choose adoption, we are just helping a crooked system that supports the privileged.”
All of ch 9 was great - “Activities, Resources, and More
“Another unique complication for transracial adoptees is that we experience an umbrella of white privilege when we are with our white adoptive family that protects us, but the second we are out on our own and do not have our adoptive families around to vouch for us, we lose that protection; at this point, we must be prepared for the social implications of being a BIPOC. If we are raised in homes that promote colorblindness, we can be left vulnerable and unprepared for the reality of our position in a country built on systemic racism.”
“The theory of cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort that individuals feel when faced with conflicting beliefs, behaviors, or attitudes. When applied to the adoption industry and the way adoptive parents react when faced with the nuances and sometimes ethical issues of the process, we can see how the need to reduce dissonance can pressure them to avoid certain hard truths like the trauma in adoption. 4 Cognitive dissonance refers to the discomfort we feel as a result of holding two beliefs, attitudes, or conflicting values.”
“The fact that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide is not discussed." Social media falsely portrays adoption as a simple solution to global societal issues when, in reality, adoption is a Band-Aid for what happens when we fail to support those of us in need.”
“Many programs tend to push the pro-adoption narrative because they see it as the best option for the child and adoptive couple, but it is often not supportive of the expectant mother. When we fail to support women in need, women who don't really want to choose adoption, we are just helping a crooked system that supports the privileged.”
All of ch 9 was great - “Activities, Resources, and More
October 23, 2022
There were pieces, like chapter 3, that had good research and I was able to formulate my own opinion.
There seem to be contradicting statistics as well. Give some information a chapter and you will read something that goes against the authors experience or another statistic.
Ok.I understand that it is the authors perceptive but states seem to be manipulated which is never ok, in my opinion .
I can’t say don’t read it because I think it is beneficial to have your view pushed a little, if you have already decided to read it. But if you have not, this is not a book I recommend to shape your view of transracial adoption.
February 17, 2022
Absolutely essential! Aside from her lived experience as a transracial adoptee, Melissa Guida-Richards’ writing is incredibly clear, straightforward, and well cited. Her work is really a gift for adoptive families.
May 1, 2023
I borrowed this from the library and am going to buy my own copy - great resource.
March 27, 2022
A very interesting read and a take on adoption different than the one we are probably used to. The author does not shy away from difficult subjects, but sometimes it felt like that is all she could talk about. It was a bit tiring at times. I do have to say I learned a lot that I didn't know, sometimes even some very harsh truths. I didn't realized the kind of trafficking that went on for international adoptions for example. I enjoyed the part about helping older adoptees navigate adoption and the fact that no matter how "good" of a parent one is, the child will eventually struggle with certain questions. As a person considering adoption I hope to learn more about the subject and this book is a good start.
December 11, 2023
As an adoption competent therapist and transracial adoptees myself, I appreciated hearing a different side of adoption that is not often discussed. Of course, as the author mentioned, this is not every adoptees’ experience of adoption. However, as seen in my own work, it is many adoptees’ lived experiences. Unfortunately, many adoptees do not have a space to talk about these complicated thoughts, feelings, and experiences, because they are worried about being “ungrateful” or hurting loved ones. We cannot deny that loss is at the heart of every adoption, so we must validate the stories of adoptees who are navigating this emotional wound in various stages of their life.
November 15, 2021
Well written and organized - a must read for those considering adoption of any child. I appreciated the reminder - especially about how you adopt a child and also their culture, history, first family… I also appreciate the parts she provided about how adoptees feel about certain issues and language used. Very helpful! I took photos of the last part - resources to help, etc.
February 4, 2022
This book should be required reading for any white adoptive parent raising children of color. Ideally, before you adopt, but still totally applicable at anytime in your process. (I'm a white adoptive parent eleven years post-adoption.) An alternate title for this book could be: How Not to Be a Terrible and Damaging Adoptive Parent (Regardless of Race). Highly recommend. Audible narration was great, but will need to buy a hard copy of the book for all the practical suggestions, lists of questions for reflection and resources.
August 18, 2025
This book makes an extremely compelling case for adoptive parents engaging with their children’s birth culture and ethnic identity, including learning any languages that are most commonly spoken among people who share their ethnic background.
I see negative reviews of this book being pretty defensive about racial and religious identity. For the racial defensiveness, I think White Fragility is an important read.
For the religious stuff, I could see a lot of people I know being really offended if anyone told them to stop saying God called them to adoption.
I understand the reaction. I know people who feel called to adoption. But I think it’s really important to NEVER talk about adoption as an exclusively positive thing. There is always grief and loss involved, always. And adoptive parents saying God called them to adopt can really minimize/occlude the traumatic experiences of adoptees and show a lot of ignorance about the violence done to families by adoption systems.
Anyway, glad a fellow adoptive mom asked me to read this with her and would be happy to talk with anyone else about it!
I see negative reviews of this book being pretty defensive about racial and religious identity. For the racial defensiveness, I think White Fragility is an important read.
For the religious stuff, I could see a lot of people I know being really offended if anyone told them to stop saying God called them to adoption.
I understand the reaction. I know people who feel called to adoption. But I think it’s really important to NEVER talk about adoption as an exclusively positive thing. There is always grief and loss involved, always. And adoptive parents saying God called them to adopt can really minimize/occlude the traumatic experiences of adoptees and show a lot of ignorance about the violence done to families by adoption systems.
Anyway, glad a fellow adoptive mom asked me to read this with her and would be happy to talk with anyone else about it!
September 9, 2022
This book has value; I'd be lying if I said I knew everything here beforehand. It starts off quite antagonistic, like she thinks she's going to be offensive, but she's actually quite gentle in her follow through.
I have more specific thoughts and critiques that I think I'll save for my therapist. Suffice it to say that my own experience with identity is complex too.
I was trying to think about the white adoptive parents I know who adopted outside of their cultural or ethnic heritage, and whether they would find this book helpful. I think they would, though it shouldn't (and if they have a half decent agency, wouldn't) be the only book they read on this subject.
I have more specific thoughts and critiques that I think I'll save for my therapist. Suffice it to say that my own experience with identity is complex too.
I was trying to think about the white adoptive parents I know who adopted outside of their cultural or ethnic heritage, and whether they would find this book helpful. I think they would, though it shouldn't (and if they have a half decent agency, wouldn't) be the only book they read on this subject.
April 17, 2024
Okay. There's are a handful of things I learned about that were helpful. But overall I feel like concrete steps to help people prepare for transracial adoption were lacking. This may have been better as two books; one as a memoir explaining the difficulty of her own adoption experience, and one as an informative, more researched book.
The Q&A session at the end was enlightening.
The Q&A session at the end was enlightening.
August 13, 2025
Started this on the Eurostar back from Belgium. Eh I didn’t love this. The author was incredibly biased and it felt like she trauma dumped her way through most of the book. It did get a bit better at the end when she started actually giving advice.
June 14, 2022
Useful information, though the writing is not great.
June 20, 2025
Absolutely fantastic. A must-read for all! It offers insight into the other side of adoption. Truly mind bending in some ways. It will challenge the narrative that society has fed us and really have you thinking about things differently. This is a must-read regardless of any involvement with the child welfare system.
March 18, 2022
It's one I'll have to recommend.
April 17, 2022
Alla borde läsa denna. Men särskilt adoptivföräldrar förstås
March 10, 2022
A must-read book for any white folks considering transracial adoption (and/or already parenting in a transracial adoption). Certainly not an easy read with many confronting parts but absolutely worthwhile.
I wish that a book like this existed more focused on the Canadian context, and, as an adoptee myself, I'd love to read more about the experience of adoptees adopting. Overall, highly recommend.
I wish that a book like this existed more focused on the Canadian context, and, as an adoptee myself, I'd love to read more about the experience of adoptees adopting. Overall, highly recommend.
June 13, 2023
This made me more emotional than I thought I would be. A good read for those considering, going through adoption or as an adoptee yourself.
March 6, 2022
Thank you so much for writing this book, Melissa.
July 3, 2022
I skimmed this book and decided not to read it in full. It mostly covers things that I already know, have read about, and have thought through in detail. Also, less of the book is devoted specifically to transracial adoptees' experiences than I expected. A lot of this is just critique of the adoption industry in general, and the author sometimes takes an antagonistic tone without nuance or curiosity about why some people hold very different views than she does.
She also tends to share a monolithic perspective from the other adoptees she quotes. For example, when she is writing about how offensive and problematic she thinks adoption fundraisers are, she shares multiple quotes from other adoptees agreeing with her, but she doesn't include any counterpoint perspectives. The overall message is, "It's icky, it's like buying a child, and you shouldn't adopt if you can't afford to." That's a valid opinion, but others have valid opinions in favor of a community helping a family overcome financial obstacles to adopt. Part of why people do adoption fundraisers is because the adoption system is so broken, and it's possible to critique the system without believing that the parents are buying a child, or that adoption is only for wealthy people.
My goal here isn't to argue this specific point, but to push back against the author sharing quotes that support her position without opening the floor to adoptees who might have different views. Maybe no one did offer a different view, but in that case, I would question how broadly she talked to adult adoptees, and if the Facebook groups she asked questions in had enough diversity of thought to represent a broader range of opinions.
This book is a good primer for people who want to understand why and how adoption can be exploitative, what they can do to improve adoptees' experiences, and how they can change their language, assumptions, and behavior to prevent harm. However, if someone has already been engaging with adoption-related issues for years, most of this will be familiar to them, and the book is sometimes very one-sided, including adoptee voices that agree with the author without representing the variety of things adult adoptees think, feel, and believe about adoption and their own experiences.
She also tends to share a monolithic perspective from the other adoptees she quotes. For example, when she is writing about how offensive and problematic she thinks adoption fundraisers are, she shares multiple quotes from other adoptees agreeing with her, but she doesn't include any counterpoint perspectives. The overall message is, "It's icky, it's like buying a child, and you shouldn't adopt if you can't afford to." That's a valid opinion, but others have valid opinions in favor of a community helping a family overcome financial obstacles to adopt. Part of why people do adoption fundraisers is because the adoption system is so broken, and it's possible to critique the system without believing that the parents are buying a child, or that adoption is only for wealthy people.
My goal here isn't to argue this specific point, but to push back against the author sharing quotes that support her position without opening the floor to adoptees who might have different views. Maybe no one did offer a different view, but in that case, I would question how broadly she talked to adult adoptees, and if the Facebook groups she asked questions in had enough diversity of thought to represent a broader range of opinions.
This book is a good primer for people who want to understand why and how adoption can be exploitative, what they can do to improve adoptees' experiences, and how they can change their language, assumptions, and behavior to prevent harm. However, if someone has already been engaging with adoption-related issues for years, most of this will be familiar to them, and the book is sometimes very one-sided, including adoptee voices that agree with the author without representing the variety of things adult adoptees think, feel, and believe about adoption and their own experiences.
October 30, 2021
Wonderful read that is filled with personal stories, questions for reflection, examples, and a large resource library that I plan to utilize when continuing my education on adoption. What was one of the most powerful things was how Melissa wove her story throughout all of the chapters, as it shows a “real life” that encapsulates not only a story but the thoughts and feelings that came with these experiences. For those who doubt her voice, Melissa also holds a wealth of knowledge, and the more factual chapters include many references from studies, books, news articles, and more. I found the book to be a perfect length to recommend while also including the hard questions and thoughts that are more likely to be present in books twice its size.
The only section I struggled with is the section on terminology and word choices in adoption. I don’t blame Melissa for this, however, as it really is a preference thing. I just struggle with word choice as someone who is extremely anxious about screwing up.
My favorite section was actually the last two pages, with the adoptive parent promise and the bill of rights for transracial adoptees. I love Angela Tucker’s adoptee bill of rights too, and I think both are so valuable for children who have been adopted.
Thank you, Melissa, for your work. This is definitely a book I will be recommending to families personally and professionally.
The only section I struggled with is the section on terminology and word choices in adoption. I don’t blame Melissa for this, however, as it really is a preference thing. I just struggle with word choice as someone who is extremely anxious about screwing up.
My favorite section was actually the last two pages, with the adoptive parent promise and the bill of rights for transracial adoptees. I love Angela Tucker’s adoptee bill of rights too, and I think both are so valuable for children who have been adopted.
Thank you, Melissa, for your work. This is definitely a book I will be recommending to families personally and professionally.
November 25, 2021
Honest and informative. It was emotionally taxing to read but I am grateful for it. It broadened my understanding and empathy. It also deepened my appreciation for our adoption agency that taught us a lot of this before our adoption. I highly recommend someone read this book before they select their adoption agency so they can choose one that is as informative, challenging, and empathetic as this book.
August 29, 2023
This book would likely be best for those just starting to think about adoption. I have followed the author and other adult adoptees on social media for a while, so I was already familiar with many of the themes in the book. I do believe these perspectives are important, but if you’ve been learning from adoptees already, I don’t know that this book will offer too much new information.
July 7, 2023
A valuable read for prospective adoptive parents, particularly white parents considering transracial adoption. With this book, Melissa Guida-Richards offers a rich perspective gained from both meticulous research and her own lived experience as an adoptee.
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March 20, 2026This contains a lot of information that is very important to consider before diving into a potential adoption journey. However, this is far more of a memoir than a book of tools and reflections like I expected. I had lots of conflicting feelings about this too. The author shares her journey with so much vulnerability and conviction, but also, understandably, through a lense of immense trauma. I understand why she would view adoption so negatively, and my heart breaks for her. It truly sounds like her adoptive parents made several life-altering mistakes (though it sounds like their hearts may have had very misguided, good intentions as well). I felt like I learned so much about how certain choices can impact an adoptee. Several chapters presented more depth about additional topics that other books about adoption that I have read have not fully explored. I loved the organized list of resources at the end and the exploration of reunification as well.
However, at many moments, this felt so condemning and resolute to me that I felt unempowered about my desire to hopefully become an adoptive mother. There were a couple points where the author focuses so heavily on the evils of adoption that I felt myself feeling so defeated and even horrified that people like us could be lumped into the same group as human traffickers. It felt like the complex reasons for wanting to adopt, the amount of research that many of us do when wanting to make ethical choices, and the decisions that hopeful parents make along this journey are far more nuanced than the author allows space for.
I'm not quite sure I agree with how polarizing the author viewed other topics to be as well- especially the notion that all adoption agencies are primarily businesses rather than community tools to help heal those who seek it. When we were choosing an agency to work with, I was inspired by how many are founded by adoptees or adoptive parents (with a majority of staff sometimes too!) and how big of hearts they have for ethically making a difference. Also, I completely agree that more resources need to be poured into families so that they don't even need to consider adoption. In an ideal world, everyone who found themselves pregnant would be equipped to be a parent and would have all the resources and support they need to parent their child. However, it feels like an oversimplification to state that adoption is *never* better for the child. There are so many complicated and nuanced situations, and as everyone seems to universally agree, every single adoption is different. If we are to believe that every single adoption is not better for a child, I fear that this idea could create a disservice to some children who would be in unsafe or abusive situations, had they not been adopted.
I certainly want to recognize the fact that I am still learning and I do not have first-hand knowledge about what it is like to be an adoptee. At the same time, I wish this felt more empowering and explored more concrete ways that adoptive parents can educate themselves and do better. We heard plenty about what the author's parents did wrong, but focusing more on the research of how things could have been handled better would have been wonderful. As someone who spent time with this book because I want to do better with a child someday, I would have loved a deeper dive into concrete ways to do so. However, maybe this needs to be viewed as more of a memoir and a look at the dark history of adoption, rather than primarily an educational resource.
However, at many moments, this felt so condemning and resolute to me that I felt unempowered about my desire to hopefully become an adoptive mother. There were a couple points where the author focuses so heavily on the evils of adoption that I felt myself feeling so defeated and even horrified that people like us could be lumped into the same group as human traffickers. It felt like the complex reasons for wanting to adopt, the amount of research that many of us do when wanting to make ethical choices, and the decisions that hopeful parents make along this journey are far more nuanced than the author allows space for.
I'm not quite sure I agree with how polarizing the author viewed other topics to be as well- especially the notion that all adoption agencies are primarily businesses rather than community tools to help heal those who seek it. When we were choosing an agency to work with, I was inspired by how many are founded by adoptees or adoptive parents (with a majority of staff sometimes too!) and how big of hearts they have for ethically making a difference. Also, I completely agree that more resources need to be poured into families so that they don't even need to consider adoption. In an ideal world, everyone who found themselves pregnant would be equipped to be a parent and would have all the resources and support they need to parent their child. However, it feels like an oversimplification to state that adoption is *never* better for the child. There are so many complicated and nuanced situations, and as everyone seems to universally agree, every single adoption is different. If we are to believe that every single adoption is not better for a child, I fear that this idea could create a disservice to some children who would be in unsafe or abusive situations, had they not been adopted.
I certainly want to recognize the fact that I am still learning and I do not have first-hand knowledge about what it is like to be an adoptee. At the same time, I wish this felt more empowering and explored more concrete ways that adoptive parents can educate themselves and do better. We heard plenty about what the author's parents did wrong, but focusing more on the research of how things could have been handled better would have been wonderful. As someone who spent time with this book because I want to do better with a child someday, I would have loved a deeper dive into concrete ways to do so. However, maybe this needs to be viewed as more of a memoir and a look at the dark history of adoption, rather than primarily an educational resource.
June 28, 2026
This book most definitely is in my top 3 books about adoption. (Along with You Should Be Grateful and some other book that surely exists, but I can't currently remember...) The author is an adoptee who tells her own story and also offers lots of history on adoption and the impacts of racism on the life of a transracial adoptee.
I have added a lot of quotes here. And I think (obviously) it's worthwhile to read them. But to summarize - Adoption has been idealized (mainly by white Christian Americans) as a fairytale. Who doesn't want to save a baby? The reality of adoption is significantly more complex and an unwillingness to sit with uncomfortable issues, of which an adoptive parents might find themselves to be at least partially complicit, harms the child that has been brought into their family, especially with transracial adoptees. Unwillingness to ask hard questions, challenge the norms and engage in necessary work keeps the wheels of a harmful system spinning, hurting the very children we think are being helped.
So many parts to quote:
"The idea that the system is imperfect is one that goes against the very core belief that many adoptive parents hold dear." pg 5
"Adoption, like many things in life, is nuanced. By viewing the impacts of adoption as black and white, I was doing the entire adoption industry a disservice. I learned that it is in the shades of gray that we can find the beauty of some things as well as the parts that need work."
"When we view adoption as this holy act that is the only way to save children, we minimize the focus on systemic racism in the adoption industry - which continues to fuel the need for families to adopt children, particularly children of color - instead of raising funds to create systems to help support women and families in their time of need. If adoption was purely about helping a child in need, why would we not create more programs to support vulnerable populations and expectant women in need?" pg 21
"The traditional thought process is that racism involves overt acts of hate against BIPOC, but the truth is that racism often appears in more nuanced ways. In addition, research has shown that white Americans struggle to accept the more nuanced divisions of racism due to its possible implication in their involvement." pg 39
"The theory of cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort that individuals feel when faced with conflicting beliefs, behaviors, or attitudes. When applied to the adoption industry and the way adoptive parents react when faced with the nuances and sometimes ethical issues of the process, we can see how the need to reduce dissonance can pressure them to avoid certain hard truths like the trauma in adoption." pg 69
"The weight of toxic positivity surrounds the adoption community and often paints the picture of a happily-ever-after story when adoption is much more than that. The trauma that occurs when children are separated from birth families is long lasting and not portrayed in the these heavily filtered Instagram pictures and caption...Social media falsely portrays adoption as a simple solution to global societal issues when, in reality, adoption is a Band-Aid for what happens when we fail to support those of us in need." pg 105
"If, the majority of the time, you refuse to consume media that depicts the nuances of adoption and simply absorb positive stories, you are not ready to adopt transracially. You are not ready to face the challenges that will arise. You are not ready to give a transracial adoptee all that they need."
I have added a lot of quotes here. And I think (obviously) it's worthwhile to read them. But to summarize - Adoption has been idealized (mainly by white Christian Americans) as a fairytale. Who doesn't want to save a baby? The reality of adoption is significantly more complex and an unwillingness to sit with uncomfortable issues, of which an adoptive parents might find themselves to be at least partially complicit, harms the child that has been brought into their family, especially with transracial adoptees. Unwillingness to ask hard questions, challenge the norms and engage in necessary work keeps the wheels of a harmful system spinning, hurting the very children we think are being helped.
So many parts to quote:
"The idea that the system is imperfect is one that goes against the very core belief that many adoptive parents hold dear." pg 5
"Adoption, like many things in life, is nuanced. By viewing the impacts of adoption as black and white, I was doing the entire adoption industry a disservice. I learned that it is in the shades of gray that we can find the beauty of some things as well as the parts that need work."
"When we view adoption as this holy act that is the only way to save children, we minimize the focus on systemic racism in the adoption industry - which continues to fuel the need for families to adopt children, particularly children of color - instead of raising funds to create systems to help support women and families in their time of need. If adoption was purely about helping a child in need, why would we not create more programs to support vulnerable populations and expectant women in need?" pg 21
"The traditional thought process is that racism involves overt acts of hate against BIPOC, but the truth is that racism often appears in more nuanced ways. In addition, research has shown that white Americans struggle to accept the more nuanced divisions of racism due to its possible implication in their involvement." pg 39
"The theory of cognitive dissonance refers to the psychological discomfort that individuals feel when faced with conflicting beliefs, behaviors, or attitudes. When applied to the adoption industry and the way adoptive parents react when faced with the nuances and sometimes ethical issues of the process, we can see how the need to reduce dissonance can pressure them to avoid certain hard truths like the trauma in adoption." pg 69
"The weight of toxic positivity surrounds the adoption community and often paints the picture of a happily-ever-after story when adoption is much more than that. The trauma that occurs when children are separated from birth families is long lasting and not portrayed in the these heavily filtered Instagram pictures and caption...Social media falsely portrays adoption as a simple solution to global societal issues when, in reality, adoption is a Band-Aid for what happens when we fail to support those of us in need." pg 105
"If, the majority of the time, you refuse to consume media that depicts the nuances of adoption and simply absorb positive stories, you are not ready to adopt transracially. You are not ready to face the challenges that will arise. You are not ready to give a transracial adoptee all that they need."
August 3, 2024
Adoption/fostering is yet another matter that I read about compulsively despite (because of?) its having no relevance to my own life. What White Parents Should Know about Transracial Adoption was written by someone who does have skin* in the game - Melissa Guida-Richards is an adoptee from Columbia who has made a career of discussing and writing about transracial adoptions, especially trans-national ones. I’ll try to summarize her strong opinions on the subject in my own words, hers being unnecessarily repetitive, occasionally ungrammatical and sometimes unintelligible.**
Adoption agencies are capitalistic businesses the purpose of which is profitability in a free-market dynamic that focuses on supply and demand.
If white Americans actually wanted to help non-white children they would use their financial and social resources to keep those kids’ birth families intact.
“Colorblind” parents who sincerely dismiss their adoptee’s race do them a disservice by their failure to prepare them for life in a racially-prejudiced society.
Children are under no obligation to love/prefer/care about their adoptive parents; their “home” is a distant land which they may never have seen.
Guida-Richards makes no secret of her criticism of transracial adoption as harmful to the adoptees. Other books I’ve read recently disapprove of adoptions in general because of the pain they cause the parents, both birth and adoptive. These books share the same weakness, of course, not in their anti-adoption arguments but in their failure to suggest any workable alternative. As long as people can engage freely in irresponsible intercourse (i.e. sexual activity which is not accompanied by the willingness and ability to accept full responsibility for any consequent conception) there will be unwanted children, some of whom will be seriously neglected or abandoned outright. But this book has an additional omission that’s all its own: transracial families are increasingly common, but the vast majority are not the result of well-intentioned white families’ deliberately, if naively, having adopted mixed race children, but rather a of a natural biological parent’s keeping/raising the product of his/her (often temporary) relationship with a person of a race different from his/her own. Education on raising transracial children in a bigoted world should start there. Despite these failures What White Parents Should Know… is a thought-provoking book. I would recommend it had it been better-written.
*readers should appreciate these witticisms while they remain available; when Houghton-Mifflin or Akashic gets around to making me a six-figure offer there will be a paywall
** One such new requirement is liability insurance for anyone in a foreign country looking to adopt who would be in contact with the children.
** access to birth control and sex education were very limited
** the injustices that face poor women of color and poor white women
**the discomfort they and adoptive parents feel of their belief
Adoption agencies are capitalistic businesses the purpose of which is profitability in a free-market dynamic that focuses on supply and demand.
If white Americans actually wanted to help non-white children they would use their financial and social resources to keep those kids’ birth families intact.
“Colorblind” parents who sincerely dismiss their adoptee’s race do them a disservice by their failure to prepare them for life in a racially-prejudiced society.
Children are under no obligation to love/prefer/care about their adoptive parents; their “home” is a distant land which they may never have seen.
Guida-Richards makes no secret of her criticism of transracial adoption as harmful to the adoptees. Other books I’ve read recently disapprove of adoptions in general because of the pain they cause the parents, both birth and adoptive. These books share the same weakness, of course, not in their anti-adoption arguments but in their failure to suggest any workable alternative. As long as people can engage freely in irresponsible intercourse (i.e. sexual activity which is not accompanied by the willingness and ability to accept full responsibility for any consequent conception) there will be unwanted children, some of whom will be seriously neglected or abandoned outright. But this book has an additional omission that’s all its own: transracial families are increasingly common, but the vast majority are not the result of well-intentioned white families’ deliberately, if naively, having adopted mixed race children, but rather a of a natural biological parent’s keeping/raising the product of his/her (often temporary) relationship with a person of a race different from his/her own. Education on raising transracial children in a bigoted world should start there. Despite these failures What White Parents Should Know… is a thought-provoking book. I would recommend it had it been better-written.
*readers should appreciate these witticisms while they remain available; when Houghton-Mifflin or Akashic gets around to making me a six-figure offer there will be a paywall
** One such new requirement is liability insurance for anyone in a foreign country looking to adopt who would be in contact with the children.
** access to birth control and sex education were very limited
** the injustices that face poor women of color and poor white women
**the discomfort they and adoptive parents feel of their belief
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