Jurassichrist

by Michael Allen Rose

It’s time for Jesus to attempt his second coming, but linear time progression doesn’t apply to extra-spatial deities, so he ends up coming “again” long before the first time – the Jurassic period. Once he arrives, expecting to see a bunch of human beings who’ve been waiting for him for two millennial seasons, he is surprised to find himself in a weird civilization full of thunder lizards.

Jesus goes into Predator mode, arming himself to the teeth and slaughtering them wholesale, trying to find someone who’s capable of nailing him to a cross so he can get back home, however, dinosaurs don’t have thumbs. What they do have is the “hum,” a magical frequency capable of shaping the world. They have mythical metals. They have a sensible social contract. They have a bizarre, but seemingly decent civilization going.

Mammals however, are the most disgusting, rotten, violent things imaginable, and they seem to be evolving into something worse with the help of a little cosmic power. Something has been providing them with products that shouldn’t be invented for another billion years or so, from the as-seen-on-tv catalog, and they’re taking full advantage of it. Who is behind this forced evolution, and what could they stand to gain? Is heaven full of heroes, or gibbering lunatics?

It’s up to J.C. to set things right and stop the apocalypse and figure out whether the universe really should be run by a bunch of insane deities, or whether it’s better to wipe out heaven and let them sort it all out themselves! Action, adventure, insanity and good ol’ fashioned heresy!

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Fantasy, Unfinished, Horror

294 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2021

About the author

Michael Allen Rose is an award-winning writer, musician, editor and performance artist based in Chicago, Illinois. His stories have appeared in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, Heavy Feather Review, and Tales From The Crust among other periodicals. He has published several books including Jurassichrist (Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing) which won the 2021 Wonderland Award for best bizarro novel, and The Last 5 Minutes of the Human Race, winner of best collection in bizarro fiction 2022. He is the host of the annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown at Bizarro Con in Oregon. Michael also releases industrial music under the name Flood Damage. He lives with an awesome cat named Dr. Light, and enjoys good tea. You can find more at www.michaelallenrose.com

Reviews

[Seb · Rating 5 out of 5]

Update 2024:

Still an instant favorite. It has it all: irreverence, cleverness, humor, bizarreness, wit,... I cannot ask for more!

My signed copy sits proudly on my shelf ❤️

=================================

Well well well... Jurassichrist left a good impression on me!

It was much more complex and deep than I had thought at first and I'm more than happy about it! I hadn't grasped all the ins and outs of this book and mostly I missed the theological part. I thought it'd be only incidental but it's not. Without some minimal notions of the Bible, you're probably going to miss a lot of the content.

Hopefully, I went to Christian school (yeah, I know...), so I had more than notions, and that is one reason why I had so much fun reading Jurassichrist. Looking for references/rewrites of the Bible was probably the most fascinating thing I did while reading. I even took notes, which I never never do when reading fiction ^^

The metaphysical reflections were a second element that was also interesting. At first I thought it'd be the main point of the book but I was wrong.

I like to scratch my head while reading a book, question my understanding and be challenged so Jurassichrist just hit my mark!

And wrapping it all up in such a funny story with the dinosaurs, the hateful mammals, the Jesus-powers, etc. was just the finishing touch Jurassichrist needed to be one of my favorite reads of the year :-)

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Few things are more fun than a high concept executed with precision. And few writers are better at that than the always-entertaining Michael Allen Rose. At its core, Jurrasichrist is an action/adventure story heavy on satire (of both secular and religious targets alike) and lots of hilarious asides. This book goes deeper and gets weirder than I imagined when I first picked it up. A fun ride from start to finish.

[Matthew Clarke · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great read. I was expecting a tale of Jesus trying to survive among a dinosaur filled world, but what I ended up getting was a whole lot more.

[Theo · Rating 5 out of 5]

dude...

[nemo ☠️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

genuinely better than most literary fiction "satires" out there tbh. the trick to writing a cutting satire on society isn't to write about university students quoting nietzsche and crying into wineglasses, it's to write about jesus christ accidentally time-travelling to the jurassic era and meeting a bunch of dinosaurs

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

There's really not a lot to say about this other then Jesus, Dinosaurs, smelly mammals, time travel, blood, and insanity. If any of those interest you, here's the book for you.

[Steve Rice]

Weirdest book I’ve ever read.

[Jennifer Henshaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommended by my husband because it reminded him of Christopher Moore's books.

[Jeremy Simpson · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much more than Jesus in the Mesozoic era.

Hot damn, what a book.

[Cameron Little · Rating 4 out of 5]

A couple things that happen near the end were kinda frustrating and felt hamfisted into the story. But, this is a book called Jurassichrist so I cannot be too upset. It was fun!

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is really hard to write a review of this book that doesn't contain spoilers or give away key ideas. It's the novelty of these ideas and the surprising audacity of the author to present them that creates much of the effect of the book. I am going to be careful not to diminish that by giving anything essential away.

The opening premise of the book is that Jesus (referred to almost entirely as J.C.) is headed back to Earth for his long awaited Second Coming. It's time. But as he travels through space he hits a time warp of sorts and arrives 65 million years in the past, just before the extinction event. So yes, he encounters dinosaurs. Think about it. Jesus. Dinosaurs. What can you possibly do with that? Convert dinosaurs?

Michael Allen Rose comes up with an ingenious answer. But it's not enough and he can't sustain it. By the middle of the book, the world he created, the characters, and situation are starting to get too ridiculous, improbable, so much so that it becomes tedious, downright silly if I may dare say so. Rose must have realized this on some level too, because then the plot takes on a weird, and I mean weird in a weird fiction sort of way, shift, a transition that I am so grateful for. J.C. now has to go up against the mother of all antagonists for the last half of an exciting overall read (minus that second quarter).

And that's all I can say without spoiling things. This book won awards. If you are religious but can put that aside for a while to enjoy a harmless work of fiction, you can enjoy this. If you're not religious, nothing in this book should make you uncomfortable. It's a fun, original, romp through time and omnipotence.

[Mario E. Fuente Cid · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very funny story. I want to read something lighter, nothing dense, something that makes me smile, and I got that with this book. I heard this book was written under the "bizarro fiction" genre, and yes, it is. Regardless, if you have read, for example, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, this book won't take you by surprise. It is not a long book, even though it has 280 pages. Once I started reading it, I couldn't stop till finish it. The language and composition are very well constructed, and everything fits perfectly to keep a smooth reading experience.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why was this exactly what I needed right now? How was this so silly yet so deep? I did not expect to get so invested in the plot.

[Bryham Fabian]

If you've never been curious to imagine the Messiah in a Jurassic Park style Jurassic Age, playing a subway game of Dungeons of Dragons, conspiring against his father Yahweh, tentacle monster version, allied with a civilization of intelligent dinosaurs, or if you've never imagined Jesus traveling back in time to infect Herod the Great with a holy heavenly spit and cut off Hitler's testicle... then this story is not for you LOL. I got a kick out of it. For all its implausibility, it manages to feel funny and epic at times.

[Nikolas Robinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

It all starts when Jesus Christ botches his second coming most spectacularly in Michael Allen Rose's new book, Jurassichrist.
It's time, the designated hour and day has reached us. J.C. leaps into the stream of spacetime to arrive just when humanity needs his return, full of confidence and righteousness. He does not stick the landing. Instead of arriving two millennia after his departure, he arrives on Earth a few hundred million years before he'd been born. Time is tricky like that. He can't really be blamed, though, can he? We're all guilty of being attracted to shiny things...he did see a bright blue pulsing light and he aimed for it.
Muddy, disoriented, and chagrined, J.C. finds himself in the age of thunder lizards, unsure how he's supposed to get crucified for a return trip home and a fresh start. Utilizing his knowledge of 1980s action movies and his divine power to materialize firearms, Jesus doesn't sit idly by to become dinosaur chow. Soon enough, he's covered in as much blood as mud as he cautiously approaches the source of the blue light that shouldn't exist in this place and time.
He's soon forced to face the fact that what he thought he knew about dinosaurs is entirely wrong. More disturbing than that, the mammals (barely more than rodents) appear to be addicted to "As Seen On TV" trinkets, and they're evolving quite alarmingly in response.
That's when things get weird.
This book is packed with so many absurdities and so much drama it's almost too much to describe. It's a mystery that leads J.C. through various planes of existence and points in time. It's an adventure story, complete with dungeons and traps. It's a story of friendship emerging under the strangest of circumstances. It's Band of Brothers, but with dinosaurs...and saviors...and time travel...
Ok...so it's not really Band of Brothers at all.
What it is, is fantastic and hilarious, sacrilegious and utter lunacy...it's a must-read.

[Zachary Ashford · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is great. It's literally tonnes of fun, and while you might expect it to be goofy, it's really not. It's got some mad subtext, and it's written with some serious prose. That said, Jesus has a machine gun and there are dinosaurs, but don't let that limit the appeal of this (if you're me, it only broadens it). It's got tonnes to say about things, and it's smart. A great book that takes fun into the literary realm.

[Susan Snyder · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in one day because I couldn't put it down, and I couldn't stop smiling. This book is a well-written voyage into lunacy! Time travel, sacrilege, dinosaurs! What more could a reader ask for?

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the premise. I thought it was great how the frequent traveling through time and space, and environments of various deities are explained in a way that’s got enough explanation to be easy to follow, but isn’t over-explained. The whole thing feels super unique. The main reptilian characters and the way they live, the main conflict and the shape and stance the antagonist takes. The whole story was interesting, engaging and very, very funny. I love the weird little humorous details and how they complement the gravity of the overall situation, and laughed out loud many times. Jesus was. a. character!

[Emily Schaefer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t believe it works. I loved this book. If you’re looking for a fun romp through space and time, read it. Go in with zero expectations and enjoy the ride 🦖 🤘

[J. Perezurita · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most fun I've had reading a book, full stop, ever. The weirdness is impeccable in its delivery. An earnest piece of craft; thoughtful and genuine. What a ride!

[Gareth Davies · Rating 4 out of 5]

If poking fun at religion isn't your thing, please move along.

I expected the bizarre and was not disappointed. I was hoping for an engaging and irreverent story and I certainly got that! The style reminded me of early Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy books, and that is a favorable comparison.

The second coming of Jesus Christ hits an early snag when J.C. is unexpectedly deposited in the golden age of the dinosaurs. His quest to figure out what went wrong ping pongs him to heaven and back, as his suspicions build that something isn't quite right with the timeline. It's difficult to say more without spoilers, but it's well worth the relatively short read!

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hell yeah! This book is amazing! It has action, time travel, humor, talking animals, cultural references, and a great story. What more could you ask for? I’d like a sequel 😉

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG! Excellent writing. Irreverent with a point. Funny. thoughtful. I'm going to look for this author's other work now.

[Paul Mastrodonato · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jesus Christ and talking dinosaurs that also know telepathy. Quick read and very funny

[Damian Serbu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rose delivers a super funny romp as Jesus returns for the second coming but misses the mark in the timeline. Part horror/fantasy, I was also laughing the whole time. This is ultra-creative and wickedly humorous. There's a social commentary that weaves into the tale as well, in a pretty powerful way.

[Anthony · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely bonkers but entertaining, the author has one hell of an imagination. It feels like going down the rabbit hole!

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jurassichrist was a gateway novel into bizarro fiction for me, a subgenre I am still learning to appreciate. In a parody of Judeo-Christian beliefs, JC travels back to the Jurassic period due to a critical error by his team. Unable to engage in his usual crucifixion in order to return home, he at first goes after the dinosaurs Rambo-style, then discovers that the dinosaurs have an enlightened model society while the mammals (the ancestors of humanity) are base, consumeristic, hedonistic, and filthy. The book reimagines God as a self-gratifying and egocentric monster (reminiscent of the Flying Spaghetti Monster; I wonder if that was intentional?), and the satire holds some resemblance to Jonathan Swift’s satire as in “A Modest Proposal” or “Gulliver’s Travels.” I even saw a slight resemblance to Dante’s Inferno, although bizarro is decidedly not allegory, but it leans heavily toward social criticism.
The book takes on capitalism, consumerism, and the dominance of Christianity, all with a light-hearted tone reminiscent of Douglas Adams. Various learns of the day are peppered throughout, such as unusual words and a guest appearance by a friendly tardigrade. While the humor is not overwhelming, the author gets in a good joke or observation now and then that had me laughing out loud.
Often humorous or hilarious, occasionally insightful or even educational, and I found the story’s exposition amusing and original in places if a bit hand wavey. I particularly enjoyed the multiverse SNAFU that sent JC back to the wrong time for his crucifixion, JC’s recovery across many geological eras after his accidental incineration by volcano, and his meeting with a friendly tardigrade. The creature reaffirms JC’s belief in the worthiness of existence, leading JC to bless the tardigrade with ongoing survival above all creatures, and the same tardigrade later encounters JC in space for a touching reunion.
Although often the exposition consists of two words, “Jesus magic,” it's fitting for bizarro to avoid delving too deeply into technicalities, and the parody hit the heights when JC developed a hilarious cross-shaped and crucifixion-powered transportation device to save humanity from a reality dominated by As Seen on TV products and other cheesy cultural schlock.
On a craft level, the book is accessible and uncomplicated, featuring a straightforward arc and a deceptively simple style that belies its deeper social and cultural critique.
JC goes from comedic figure to unlikely hero of dinos and humans alike, with God remaining an egocentric and self-serving monster, resulting in a final confrontation that might have pleased Friedrich Nietzsche.
While Jurassichrist fits within transgressive literature and might offend fundamentalists of various types, I found its criticism relatively mild and apt. Unlike some bizarro works, it avoids extreme gore or explicit sexual content. Any gore or violence was softened by being presented in the superlative, and thus, was obviously not meant to be taken seriously. That said, as someone new to the subgenre, my basis for comparison is limited. Overall, I found Jurassichrist to be an insightful and accessible entry into bizarro fiction that might shock fundamentalist Christians with its subversion of Judeo-Christian beliefs but steers clear of pushing boundaries in terms of sex and violence.

[Maria Cardenas · Rating 5 out of 5]

I randomly discovered this author at a convention and picked up this title because Jesus + Dinosaurs has to equal a win, right? I was legitimately not expecting to have found my favorite book of the year. I laughed, I cried, I cheered. And never once was I bored reading this. It still sits on my shelf where I open it up every once in a while and cheer myself up with its passages. The author is amazing and he even signed my copy :)

[Jim Andrew Clark]

DNF at about 80%. I really tried to like this because the premise is right up my alley, but something about it just isn't working for me. The humor wasn't landing and the story didn't compel me to continue. I'm taking a break from it and will probably try this one again some other time.

[Daniel Villarreal · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have now decided that Tardigrades are my new best friends.