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But You Seemed So Happy: A Marriage, in Pieces and Bits
In this tender, funny, and sharp companion to her acclaimed memoir-in-essays Amateur Hour, Kimberly Harrington explores and confronts expectations, marriage, failure, a sort-of-divorce and the ways love, loss, and longing shape a life.
Six weeks after she and her husband announced their divorce, Kimberly Harrington began writing a book she thought would be about divorce, heavy on the dark humor. After all, she and her future ex had chosen to still live together in the same house with their kids as they slowly transitioned from being a married couple to single people (someday) living separately.
Over the course of two years of what was supposed to be a temporary period of transition, Harrington sifted through her past—how she formed her ideas about relationships, sex, marriage, divorce—and dug back into the history of her marriage—how they met, what it felt like to be in love, how she and her husband had changed over time, the impact having children had on their relationship, and what they still owed one another.
But You Seemed So Happy is a time capsule of sorts. It’s about getting older and repeatedly dying on the hill of being wiser, only to discover you were never actually all that dumb to begin with. It’s an honest, intimate biography of a marriage, from its heady, idealistic, and easy beginnings to its slowly coming apart to its evolution into something completely unexpected. As she probes what it means when everyone assumes you’re happy as long as you’re still married, Harrington skewers engagement photos, small-town busybodies, Gen X idiosyncrasies, and the casual way we make life-altering decisions when we’re young. Ultimately, this moving and funny memoir in essays is a vulnerable and irreverent act of forgiveness—of ourselves, our partners, and the relationships that have run their course but will always hold permanent meaning in our lives.
Six weeks after she and her husband announced their divorce, Kimberly Harrington began writing a book she thought would be about divorce, heavy on the dark humor. After all, she and her future ex had chosen to still live together in the same house with their kids as they slowly transitioned from being a married couple to single people (someday) living separately.
Over the course of two years of what was supposed to be a temporary period of transition, Harrington sifted through her past—how she formed her ideas about relationships, sex, marriage, divorce—and dug back into the history of her marriage—how they met, what it felt like to be in love, how she and her husband had changed over time, the impact having children had on their relationship, and what they still owed one another.
But You Seemed So Happy is a time capsule of sorts. It’s about getting older and repeatedly dying on the hill of being wiser, only to discover you were never actually all that dumb to begin with. It’s an honest, intimate biography of a marriage, from its heady, idealistic, and easy beginnings to its slowly coming apart to its evolution into something completely unexpected. As she probes what it means when everyone assumes you’re happy as long as you’re still married, Harrington skewers engagement photos, small-town busybodies, Gen X idiosyncrasies, and the casual way we make life-altering decisions when we’re young. Ultimately, this moving and funny memoir in essays is a vulnerable and irreverent act of forgiveness—of ourselves, our partners, and the relationships that have run their course but will always hold permanent meaning in our lives.
304 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 5, 2021
178 people are currently reading
5589 people want to read
About the author
Kimberly Harrington
8 books146 followersKimberly Harrington is the author of BUT YOU SEEMED SO HAPPY and AMATEUR HOUR. Her work is also included in the collections MERCILESS AND UNPREDICTABLE: A McSWEENEY'S GUIDE TO PARENTING and KEEP SCROLLING TILL YOU FEEL SOMETHING: TWENTY-ONE YEARS OF HUMOR FROM McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY. She’s a columnist and regular contributor to McSweeney’s and her writing has also appeared in The New Yorker, the New York Times, and The Cut.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 258 reviews
January 24, 2021
Please, allow me to go first.
December 8, 2021
The Gen X'er in me inherently balks at writers who try to be funny. It's pathetic how concerned you are with being witty. But I academically understand that humor is a skill and that almost no one is funny without trying at least a little, so I admit that my disgust is mostly poorly-disguised jealousy. Still, it pains me when people work too hard for a chuckle, and Harrington is working her ass off in this book.
She's shooting for the "email from that hilarious college friend you rarely see but always look forward to hearing from" tone, and she mostly achieves it: I genuinely did like reading this book because her style--though clearly edited for maximum laffs--is smooth and warm, once you acquiesce to its "open mic night" tone. Impressively, she never portrays herself as a saint and there's little self-aggrandizing in this book, which is refreshing for the memoir-lite genre. She's a human being who does and thinks crappy things sometimes, and I like her more for admitting that. If you can overlook the repetitive repetition (yup, I did it), which she sometimes intentionally employs to belabor main points and sometimes instinctually employs to emphasize stale "insights," this is a solid read.
But the overall subject matter is confusing and unsatisfying. Her whole point is that people enter into marriage without clearly understanding their motives or expectations, that divorce isn't "failure," and that it's not always major cracks that break a marriage but rather numerous tiny fissures. Yet she never paints a detailed picture of why her marriage ultimately fell apart. She hints about substance misuse, career misalignment, lack of communication (that ol' chestnut), and frustration with an imbalanced emotional labor load, but... like... welcome to all relationships? The way she described them, those issues didn't seem nearly large enough to tank a 20-year marriage. I realize that she has an intentionally light touch when talking about this stuff in order to avoid spilling gory details (she has two teenagers, after all) and placing too much blame on her husband. But without placing some blame and spilling some gore, she doesn't convince me that her marriage was all that bad. She never fully describes how she and her husband related to each other -- what they talked or fought about, how they confronted adversity, the specific ways they failed each other. She mostly reminisces about her 45-year journey of personal growth, with her marriage serving as a sub-plot alongside her self-reflection. This is less a book about marriage and more a female empowerment missive with a twist of relationship insights.
Further--I cannot stress this point enough--she isn't actually divorced. In fact, she still lives with her husband and children in a big ol' house that he lovingly refurbished for her during the pandemic. The family eats dinners together. They all hang out. She and her husband are "good friends" who still occasionally have sex. Except now they have different bedrooms, separate bank accounts and don't feel obligated to include the other in their after-work social plans. And they're not "in love," though they do "love each other."
Honestly, this sounds like an amazing marriage.
I'm confused why she and her husband consider themselves divorced, and why Harrington felt the need to announce their break-up to the entire world. She seems confused, as well. There is an immense amount of defensive posturing: "Hey, man, there are no rules in life! I'm living my truth, and I don't care if you people don't understand the enlightened, special arrangement that works for me and my family!" Except she does seem to care. Immensely. Even though she knows (and says) she shouldn't. She seems very conflicted throughout this entire book, as if she truly can't decide if Modern Woman Deserves It All and Shouldn't Accept Less Than The Best, or if she's realizing in real time that her expectations of marriage were simply way too high and she needs to check herself.
Frankly, it feels like she wanted to write an autobiography, but her editor knew that market is saturated, so Harrington created a pseudo-divorce as a hook to get the publishing green light... but then had second thoughts as she was writing it. In 5 years when she and her husband are still legally married and enjoying their current arrangement, she might wish she hadn't taken the advance and promised her editor a book about divorce when she wasn't actually prepared to be divorced.
This was a fine read, but it's not a book about marriage, and certainly not a book about divorce.
She's shooting for the "email from that hilarious college friend you rarely see but always look forward to hearing from" tone, and she mostly achieves it: I genuinely did like reading this book because her style--though clearly edited for maximum laffs--is smooth and warm, once you acquiesce to its "open mic night" tone. Impressively, she never portrays herself as a saint and there's little self-aggrandizing in this book, which is refreshing for the memoir-lite genre. She's a human being who does and thinks crappy things sometimes, and I like her more for admitting that. If you can overlook the repetitive repetition (yup, I did it), which she sometimes intentionally employs to belabor main points and sometimes instinctually employs to emphasize stale "insights," this is a solid read.
But the overall subject matter is confusing and unsatisfying. Her whole point is that people enter into marriage without clearly understanding their motives or expectations, that divorce isn't "failure," and that it's not always major cracks that break a marriage but rather numerous tiny fissures. Yet she never paints a detailed picture of why her marriage ultimately fell apart. She hints about substance misuse, career misalignment, lack of communication (that ol' chestnut), and frustration with an imbalanced emotional labor load, but... like... welcome to all relationships? The way she described them, those issues didn't seem nearly large enough to tank a 20-year marriage. I realize that she has an intentionally light touch when talking about this stuff in order to avoid spilling gory details (she has two teenagers, after all) and placing too much blame on her husband. But without placing some blame and spilling some gore, she doesn't convince me that her marriage was all that bad. She never fully describes how she and her husband related to each other -- what they talked or fought about, how they confronted adversity, the specific ways they failed each other. She mostly reminisces about her 45-year journey of personal growth, with her marriage serving as a sub-plot alongside her self-reflection. This is less a book about marriage and more a female empowerment missive with a twist of relationship insights.
Further--I cannot stress this point enough--she isn't actually divorced. In fact, she still lives with her husband and children in a big ol' house that he lovingly refurbished for her during the pandemic. The family eats dinners together. They all hang out. She and her husband are "good friends" who still occasionally have sex. Except now they have different bedrooms, separate bank accounts and don't feel obligated to include the other in their after-work social plans. And they're not "in love," though they do "love each other."
Honestly, this sounds like an amazing marriage.
I'm confused why she and her husband consider themselves divorced, and why Harrington felt the need to announce their break-up to the entire world. She seems confused, as well. There is an immense amount of defensive posturing: "Hey, man, there are no rules in life! I'm living my truth, and I don't care if you people don't understand the enlightened, special arrangement that works for me and my family!" Except she does seem to care. Immensely. Even though she knows (and says) she shouldn't. She seems very conflicted throughout this entire book, as if she truly can't decide if Modern Woman Deserves It All and Shouldn't Accept Less Than The Best, or if she's realizing in real time that her expectations of marriage were simply way too high and she needs to check herself.
Frankly, it feels like she wanted to write an autobiography, but her editor knew that market is saturated, so Harrington created a pseudo-divorce as a hook to get the publishing green light... but then had second thoughts as she was writing it. In 5 years when she and her husband are still legally married and enjoying their current arrangement, she might wish she hadn't taken the advance and promised her editor a book about divorce when she wasn't actually prepared to be divorced.
This was a fine read, but it's not a book about marriage, and certainly not a book about divorce.
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November 7, 2021Memoirs are an invitation to step inside someone else's brain, and as such, your reading experience is determined almost entirely by how simpatico you find that brain. Unfortunately, the answer in this case is: not at all.
But You Seemed So Happy is a raw and honest journey through the deterioration of a marriage. It's so raw and honest that it made me despise Kimberly Harrington. I despised her as a young woman angling for a proposal from her boyfriend (just talk about it like two reasonable adults, no?). I despised her years later as she neglected her dogs and then brought home a new one against her partner Jon's adamant objection. And I despised her toward the end of the book, throwing an elaborate 20th year anniversary party (knowing divorce was imminent) instead of putting the money toward Jon's much-needed snow tires. I hated her gnawing hunger to be loved, without seeming particularly loving herself, and the degree to which she internalized the gender roles that made her so unhappy - yet seem not-entirely-examined even at the end of the book. It's self-deprecating, some of it is meant to be satirical, and yet, I came away from this essay collection with no respect for her.
Literally nothing resonates with me about anecdotes like this:
(Seriously? There is so much floral diversity in the Santa Monica hills - 12 vegetation communities ranging from salt marsh to valley oak savannah. I'd love to go botanizing there, no dude needed.)
Or this:
Harrington comes across as the drama llama at the office whom you occasionally get stuck talking to in the breakroom because your toast is taking too long. She thinks and talks about things that hold very little interest for me: alcohol (nope), children (absolutely not), dating apps (why bother), sex (meh), what her friends think of her relationship (who the fuck cares?). It takes her a three page email to announce her separation to friends. The insecurity and simultaneous self-centeredness reach almost pathological levels. It bothers me how often Harrington uses the royal 'we' to describe her experiences and emotions when she really just means "I."
The essays that are supposed to be satire actually made me kind of angry.
Look, I married a functional and autonomous adult, so we share management of the cat (although maybe she manages us; it's hard to say with cats) and cooking and other joint things, and we do the tasks that only concern one of us independently. This is a way better arrangement than simmering in resentment for years.
Jesus. Are we still living in the 50s?
I'm writing this on the cusp of my 12th anniversary, a relationship that is definitely imperfect and has gone through significant ups and downs, yet is based in friendship, shared intellectual curiosity, similar temperaments, and a willingness to negotiate things within the shared part of our lives without regard to societal mores and gendered expectations. Maybe the best thing about reading this one is that it made me more grateful for my relationship and how little it has been shaped by caring what other people think.
There are occasional glimmers of insight amidst abundant navel-gazing, but mostly I finished But You Seemed So Happy for the dubious pleasure of angry-reading. It's not Harrington's fault that I'm aberrant, so I'm going to do her the courtesy of leaving this one unrated, but it does make me sad that many women might find her relatable.
But You Seemed So Happy is a raw and honest journey through the deterioration of a marriage. It's so raw and honest that it made me despise Kimberly Harrington. I despised her as a young woman angling for a proposal from her boyfriend (just talk about it like two reasonable adults, no?). I despised her years later as she neglected her dogs and then brought home a new one against her partner Jon's adamant objection. And I despised her toward the end of the book, throwing an elaborate 20th year anniversary party (knowing divorce was imminent) instead of putting the money toward Jon's much-needed snow tires. I hated her gnawing hunger to be loved, without seeming particularly loving herself, and the degree to which she internalized the gender roles that made her so unhappy - yet seem not-entirely-examined even at the end of the book. It's self-deprecating, some of it is meant to be satirical, and yet, I came away from this essay collection with no respect for her.
Literally nothing resonates with me about anecdotes like this:
I remember one blind date where I was forced to go hiking in the Santa Monica hills [...] I was a regular smoker back then and lived the life of a vampire, rarely venturing out into the oppressively optimistic California sun. But I did it. And I hated it. I hated that dude and I hated myself even more. But I was willing to do just about anything to have a shot at being loved.
(Seriously? There is so much floral diversity in the Santa Monica hills - 12 vegetation communities ranging from salt marsh to valley oak savannah. I'd love to go botanizing there, no dude needed.)
Or this:
When I got married and had children I thought I was done searching for happiness. I had it all right here, right in front of me. I thought it would be a permanent state of being. I thought I was done feeling unsettled.
Harrington comes across as the drama llama at the office whom you occasionally get stuck talking to in the breakroom because your toast is taking too long. She thinks and talks about things that hold very little interest for me: alcohol (nope), children (absolutely not), dating apps (why bother), sex (meh), what her friends think of her relationship (who the fuck cares?). It takes her a three page email to announce her separation to friends. The insecurity and simultaneous self-centeredness reach almost pathological levels. It bothers me how often Harrington uses the royal 'we' to describe her experiences and emotions when she really just means "I."
The essays that are supposed to be satire actually made me kind of angry.
Statements like 'to have and to hold' somehow came to encompass emotional support, financial support, spiritual support, laundry support, management of the household to a degree I had not fully appreciated, including regular selection and upgrading of linens, the selection and purchasing of all gifts for every occasion for every human being you have had any sort of meaningful contact with since we met, social calendar management, meal preparation management, pet management, vacation management, medical and dental appointment management, retirement funds management, and automobile management.
Look, I married a functional and autonomous adult, so we share management of the cat (although maybe she manages us; it's hard to say with cats) and cooking and other joint things, and we do the tasks that only concern one of us independently. This is a way better arrangement than simmering in resentment for years.
He continued to make most of the meals, a shift in labor that happened after I tearfully exploded for what felt like the hundredth time, trying to explain that the person who had the palate of a five-year-old, hated cooking, and would never learn how because there were other things I wanted to do with my life, was not the person who should be cooking for our children. Especially given he was an excellent cook.
Jesus. Are we still living in the 50s?
I'm writing this on the cusp of my 12th anniversary, a relationship that is definitely imperfect and has gone through significant ups and downs, yet is based in friendship, shared intellectual curiosity, similar temperaments, and a willingness to negotiate things within the shared part of our lives without regard to societal mores and gendered expectations. Maybe the best thing about reading this one is that it made me more grateful for my relationship and how little it has been shaped by caring what other people think.
There are occasional glimmers of insight amidst abundant navel-gazing, but mostly I finished But You Seemed So Happy for the dubious pleasure of angry-reading. It's not Harrington's fault that I'm aberrant, so I'm going to do her the courtesy of leaving this one unrated, but it does make me sad that many women might find her relatable.
January 21, 2022
As someone who has taken my own hard look at my marriage, I picked this book up in anticipation of a witty, transparent depiction of marriage. I loved the prologue and could not have agreed more with Harrington’s views on conscious uncoupling and having the strength to find what is best for ourselves and for our families.
Harrington is funny, brutally honest, and doesn’t take herself seriously (which is something I appreciate in a memoir). However, her brutal honestly often devolved into cruelty, and I gradually came to like her less and less. At times she was clever and self deprecating, and at other moments she was judgmental and exhaustingly self centered. The therapist in me also cringed at the levels of cynicism to which she conceptualizes her life and relationships. Harrington ended her marriage out of intense displeasure with her life. And she seems to assume everyone is just as secretly displeased and miserable as she was. She frames love and marriage as a scam we’re all to naive to notice. However, she and her husband (still not actually divorced after 2 years) are in a bizarre limbo of living together as usual. They share finances, he cooks for her, they fill each other in our their romantic lives (and experience jealousy), have sex etc. She believes their arrangement is “Marriage with the good and none of the bad.” I’ll leave it at that.
Much of the epilogue is her changing her tune due to the impact covid had on her reevaluating what’s important to her. It seems she started writing a book on divorce when she was going through a crisis and then had revelations that maybe she had been unfair in her judgments and blinded by her own wounds. She took shots at therapy throughout the book, but then she eventually made the kind of discoveries that you tend to make in therapy. Annoyed. I feel annoyed by this book, if you couldn’t tell.
Harrington is funny, brutally honest, and doesn’t take herself seriously (which is something I appreciate in a memoir). However, her brutal honestly often devolved into cruelty, and I gradually came to like her less and less. At times she was clever and self deprecating, and at other moments she was judgmental and exhaustingly self centered. The therapist in me also cringed at the levels of cynicism to which she conceptualizes her life and relationships. Harrington ended her marriage out of intense displeasure with her life. And she seems to assume everyone is just as secretly displeased and miserable as she was. She frames love and marriage as a scam we’re all to naive to notice. However, she and her husband (still not actually divorced after 2 years) are in a bizarre limbo of living together as usual. They share finances, he cooks for her, they fill each other in our their romantic lives (and experience jealousy), have sex etc. She believes their arrangement is “Marriage with the good and none of the bad.” I’ll leave it at that.
Much of the epilogue is her changing her tune due to the impact covid had on her reevaluating what’s important to her. It seems she started writing a book on divorce when she was going through a crisis and then had revelations that maybe she had been unfair in her judgments and blinded by her own wounds. She took shots at therapy throughout the book, but then she eventually made the kind of discoveries that you tend to make in therapy. Annoyed. I feel annoyed by this book, if you couldn’t tell.
July 5, 2021
Kimberly Harrington is back with another honest, tender, and often hilarious book on the end of a modern marriage. No matter your relationship status, But You Seemed So Happy begs the question– what are we all doing here? I laughed, I cried, I found myself in the pages over and over again.
December 28, 2021
An honest and unflinching look at marriage and some of the ridiculous expectations we set for it, the societal pressures that form those expectations, and how that affects a relationship. Insightful and funny.
September 29, 2021
But You Seemed So Happy is a memoir in the form of essays about every aspect of marriage and divorce. After Kimberly and her husband decide to get a divorce they make the decision to live in the same home together but as single people. Kimberly Harrington reflects on how the couple lived together but separately, and how they raised their children together as a united family.
I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to long-term relationships. I've been with the same person the majority of my life (married for 16 years) and even though we are still together, I still found this book very relatable. I feel like this book would be relatable to anyone that's ever been in a long-term relationship(married or not).
But You Seemed So Happy is one of the most honest nonfiction books about relationships that I've ever read. Not only does this book uncover the raw truths of marriage/relationships but it is absolutely hilarious! Filled with dark satire, I found myself laughing out loud at several points.
I loved reading about Kimberly and her family's journey. I enjoyed reading how they made something positive out of a negative situation. I would highly recommend this book for anyone looking for a nonfiction story that's highly relateable(no matter what season your relationship is in). I look forward to reading anything that Kimberly Harrington writes in the future.
A massive thanks to Harper Perennial for the gifted copy!
I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to long-term relationships. I've been with the same person the majority of my life (married for 16 years) and even though we are still together, I still found this book very relatable. I feel like this book would be relatable to anyone that's ever been in a long-term relationship(married or not).
But You Seemed So Happy is one of the most honest nonfiction books about relationships that I've ever read. Not only does this book uncover the raw truths of marriage/relationships but it is absolutely hilarious! Filled with dark satire, I found myself laughing out loud at several points.
I loved reading about Kimberly and her family's journey. I enjoyed reading how they made something positive out of a negative situation. I would highly recommend this book for anyone looking for a nonfiction story that's highly relateable(no matter what season your relationship is in). I look forward to reading anything that Kimberly Harrington writes in the future.
A massive thanks to Harper Perennial for the gifted copy!
October 20, 2021
As a 31 year old man that has never been married (nor is typically interested in memoirs/biographies), I have no idea how I stumbled upon Harrington’s work. Yet here I am, and I’m glad to have been directed here by whatever mysterious algorithm Goodreads has that thought I should broaden the scope of what I typically read.
Harrington is so transparent in her processing that at times reading this felt voyeuristic; as though I was reading something that was far too intimate for an audience to behold. This vulnerability she displays is rare and refreshing, and her writing style feels like one friend speaking to another. The result is an honest investigation of personal loss, all while looking for hope and reason among the pieces.
January 21, 2022
The only reason this gets 2 stars instead of 1 is because she made me laugh a couple of times. I would not enjoy this woman in real life. I have a hard time empathizing with a woman who isn’t happy with a nice man.
December 29, 2021
Smart, funny, warts-and-all, a good read. And while it was diverting to live in the world of their unusual un-coupling, at the end of this memoir I couldn’t help but think that the book deadline arrived before the true end of the story. That the book would have been the better for a pump of the brakes to let the denouement of the author’s real life give this memoir the ending that matches the incisive brilliance of the rest of the story.
December 13, 2021
Alright, friends, let’s buckle up on this review.
I would give it 3.5 if I could.
I loved the essays. It covered a lot of ground in a very easy to digest way.
The author grapples with her own unlikeableness, not in a way that I think she’s unlikeable, but in a very relatable way. She doesn’t approach this as holier than thou. It’s almost clinical. It adds to the work.
The writing is good. I love McSweeney’s.
I guess, though, I have questions…
She seems to live a really idyllic life in Vermont with a husband who seems to really love her.
I understand children are hard and ambitions are hard to navigate and being in the driver’s seat with a man can really suck, truly.
But as someone who has had her heart walked out on, stomped on, and stabbed, the gentle way he refurbished their house, stayed with her, fucked her two years after their separation, and agreed to all of her terms? Just hard for me to say “walk away from this.”
For both of them. She’s had a big safety net that most of us couldn’t dream of (that she also created and deserved, I’m not trying to pile on).
We do deserve happiness. We do deserve promise. We do deserve passion. I think she does a great job of making us all sit with that.
I just think it’s kind of easier to do when you still have familiar support.
Important book. Recommend. Well-written. My opinion could be wrong. A gorgeous book, too. I laughed. I cried. It’s good!
I would give it 3.5 if I could.
I loved the essays. It covered a lot of ground in a very easy to digest way.
The author grapples with her own unlikeableness, not in a way that I think she’s unlikeable, but in a very relatable way. She doesn’t approach this as holier than thou. It’s almost clinical. It adds to the work.
The writing is good. I love McSweeney’s.
I guess, though, I have questions…
She seems to live a really idyllic life in Vermont with a husband who seems to really love her.
I understand children are hard and ambitions are hard to navigate and being in the driver’s seat with a man can really suck, truly.
But as someone who has had her heart walked out on, stomped on, and stabbed, the gentle way he refurbished their house, stayed with her, fucked her two years after their separation, and agreed to all of her terms? Just hard for me to say “walk away from this.”
For both of them. She’s had a big safety net that most of us couldn’t dream of (that she also created and deserved, I’m not trying to pile on).
We do deserve happiness. We do deserve promise. We do deserve passion. I think she does a great job of making us all sit with that.
I just think it’s kind of easier to do when you still have familiar support.
Important book. Recommend. Well-written. My opinion could be wrong. A gorgeous book, too. I laughed. I cried. It’s good!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 10, 2021
Here I am, 26, married—— relating to this so much more than is comfortable. I especially appreciated the dedication. An insightful read filled with empathy and compassion that is lacking in discourse about divorce.
December 30, 2021
As an unhinged twenty-seven year old gay woman who has never been married and will never have kids, I have no idea why I was drawn to this book in the first place but I loved every second of it!
February 13, 2022
In her second collection of essays as a memoir, Kimberly Harrington gives us a unique and intimate look at the dissolution of her marriage during quarantine. She creates unflinching, humbling, and hilarious writings on what it was like to try and split up with someone you have lived with for over 20 years while being forced to share the same house.
Having been through a divorce, I could not imagine living under the same roof. This book was so sharp and witty, showing a funny frustration. I loved one part where the author skewers “well-meaning” people who never say the right thing. It was so scathing but accurate. The author wrote about one of her responses: "This is amazing. What are the odds? Here I was struggling for years navigating the disintegration of one of the most foundational and, dare I say, private relationships of my life, a relationship, in fact, that has lasted almost the entirety of my adulthood, which is an interesting contrast to my relationship with you, a person whom I have spoken with twice. How I had never thought to consult you, peripheral nobody, for advice is beyond me. Thank goodness you are such a warrior for the sanctity of marriage that you stepped boldly over the line of polite discourse to insert yourself into this intimate, intimate area of my life. You are certainly brave and a person who is not reading my social cues right now. Again, I am overcome with gratitude. Thanks."
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/kim...
Having been through a divorce, I could not imagine living under the same roof. This book was so sharp and witty, showing a funny frustration. I loved one part where the author skewers “well-meaning” people who never say the right thing. It was so scathing but accurate. The author wrote about one of her responses: "This is amazing. What are the odds? Here I was struggling for years navigating the disintegration of one of the most foundational and, dare I say, private relationships of my life, a relationship, in fact, that has lasted almost the entirety of my adulthood, which is an interesting contrast to my relationship with you, a person whom I have spoken with twice. How I had never thought to consult you, peripheral nobody, for advice is beyond me. Thank goodness you are such a warrior for the sanctity of marriage that you stepped boldly over the line of polite discourse to insert yourself into this intimate, intimate area of my life. You are certainly brave and a person who is not reading my social cues right now. Again, I am overcome with gratitude. Thanks."
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at: https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/kim...
May 2, 2023
But You Seemed So Happy: A Marriage, in Pieces and Bits is a collection of essays revolving around the author's (impending/ongoing?) divorce. A divorce that is not propelled by anger, a singular incident, or any viciousness, but rather from a marriage that has slowly burnt out. Because I have an eidetic memory isolated to romantic comedies, this brings to mind the scene in "Life As We Know It" where sexy doctor (Josh Lucas) says, "If my wife and I fought like that... we'd still be married."
I feel like a heartless, awful person to rate such a personal collection lowly. As this is a deeply personal reflection. Harrington not only allows us glimpses into the dissolution of her marriage but also how she came to consider love, in the first place, and how she's learned to move on afterward... often in humorous ways. And, in some essays, it really, really worked. The essays, "Life is Better on Weed" and "How to Punch Your Kids in the Face" were 5-stars, and Harrington really knows how to use the word "well" to make you laugh. But, a lot else of the collection just didn't work for me.
This may be due, in part, to me most certainly not being the target demographic. But, I more likely think it's because I just didn't connect with Harrington's style. Many times, rather than feeling witty, I thought the humor felt forced and/or the overarching sense of self-importance felt like the main takeaway. There were several instances in which Harrington admitted that her younger self "knew" she'd one day be famous and that her friends often felt they were the smartest people in the room... and it started making a lot of sense why those statements were repeated.
Plus, although I think(?) Harrington mentioned in the prologue that she recognizes marriage didn’t work for her but may for others (maybe this was inferred on my end?), yet by the end, she throws so much shade at marriage, as an institution and those in it, that this collection is less about divorce and more about her anger about getting married in the first place.
I feel like a heartless, awful person to rate such a personal collection lowly. As this is a deeply personal reflection. Harrington not only allows us glimpses into the dissolution of her marriage but also how she came to consider love, in the first place, and how she's learned to move on afterward... often in humorous ways. And, in some essays, it really, really worked. The essays, "Life is Better on Weed" and "How to Punch Your Kids in the Face" were 5-stars, and Harrington really knows how to use the word "well" to make you laugh. But, a lot else of the collection just didn't work for me.
This may be due, in part, to me most certainly not being the target demographic. But, I more likely think it's because I just didn't connect with Harrington's style. Many times, rather than feeling witty, I thought the humor felt forced and/or the overarching sense of self-importance felt like the main takeaway. There were several instances in which Harrington admitted that her younger self "knew" she'd one day be famous and that her friends often felt they were the smartest people in the room... and it started making a lot of sense why those statements were repeated.
Plus, although I think(?) Harrington mentioned in the prologue that she recognizes marriage didn’t work for her but may for others (maybe this was inferred on my end?), yet by the end, she throws so much shade at marriage, as an institution and those in it, that this collection is less about divorce and more about her anger about getting married in the first place.
February 23, 2022
Let me start by saying that this book is not necessarily a literary masterpiece, but that’s also not what I was looking for. I was intrigued to read a book about marriage and divorce after having gone through both myself a little over a decade ago. While I do not agree with the author on all of her stances regarding the institution of marriage, relationships, or even some of her thoughts on dating, this book was at times for me laugh out loud funny, so intuitive I thought “oh you too have been there”, bittersweet and agonizing at other times. In other words, it was real.
I didn’t go through my divorce at the same age as the author. It was not necessarily amicable, and it took us many years to decide how to parent the children together, many years where I mostly parented on my own, with the much-needed help of my parents and extended family, and even with help from friends. The relationship with my ex husband/father of my children has changed many times through the years. We are now friends, we now share custody. It is not always friendly even to this day. There is still bittersweet resentment hiding underneath the edges at times, a reminder of the sweet stench of decay…
I really enjoyed that the author did not couch everything in devastating terms. I love that she talked about the beauty that was once her relationship. We don’t all get married to end up divorced for sure. Also though, divorce is labeled as such a failure and I thought some of her ideas while not 100% my beliefs were enlightening and refreshing. I laughed out loud and read my now and wonderful husband, lines from her about dating as an adult, using matchmaking apps, feeling the need to be with another person. Funny, but also so, so true in many ways. At age 28 I was even more the “divorce witch” -friends with husbands weren’t always available anymore, where I was warned by the Christian institution I worked for at the time not to date publicly as I was at a very “available” age and didn’t want to send the wrong message to my high school students, etc, etc. because an available woman is SCARY.
Overall I really, really enjoyed this book and flew through it.
I didn’t go through my divorce at the same age as the author. It was not necessarily amicable, and it took us many years to decide how to parent the children together, many years where I mostly parented on my own, with the much-needed help of my parents and extended family, and even with help from friends. The relationship with my ex husband/father of my children has changed many times through the years. We are now friends, we now share custody. It is not always friendly even to this day. There is still bittersweet resentment hiding underneath the edges at times, a reminder of the sweet stench of decay…
I really enjoyed that the author did not couch everything in devastating terms. I love that she talked about the beauty that was once her relationship. We don’t all get married to end up divorced for sure. Also though, divorce is labeled as such a failure and I thought some of her ideas while not 100% my beliefs were enlightening and refreshing. I laughed out loud and read my now and wonderful husband, lines from her about dating as an adult, using matchmaking apps, feeling the need to be with another person. Funny, but also so, so true in many ways. At age 28 I was even more the “divorce witch” -friends with husbands weren’t always available anymore, where I was warned by the Christian institution I worked for at the time not to date publicly as I was at a very “available” age and didn’t want to send the wrong message to my high school students, etc, etc. because an available woman is SCARY.
Overall I really, really enjoyed this book and flew through it.
Read
December 30, 2022not gonna rate memoirs or autobiographies unless it is a five-star read cause these are people's lives here, but this one wasn't my fave. I think this is a case of me not being the intended audience. There were bits that I really enjoyed and I think needed to be said - I love Harrington's shamelessness - but there were also parts that turned me off.
November 9, 2022
I am unsettled. It was an interesting read, but I feel like we are missing something here. But it might be that I would leave out parts of my story too if I was to share it.
April 13, 2022
I thought this was a therapist led discussion but it was the authors personal account about when she got divorced. Almost like her diary
January 30, 2022
In "But You Seemed So Happy," writer Kimberly Harrington explores the voluntary dissolution of her marriage with dark humor and brutal honesty. On the balance, though, the book tends more toward the latter, making for an uneven, unhappy read.
As Harrington admits in the introduction, this book about her divorce didn't have a great inciting incident. There wasn't infidelity or scandal; thankfully, there's no abuse or deep betrayal. Instead, the slow fadeout of her marriage falls into the classic category of "irreconcilable differences," and she spends these pages trying to examine just how they got to that point.
The memoir walks us through the romance-adjacent portions of Harrington's life: her parents' divorce, her high school longing, a move to Portland, meeting her husband, getting married, moving into a dilapidated farmhouse and having kids. From there, it becomes a slow, steady fizzle, a marriage drained of its love like a soda going flat.
As a life path, it feels common enough. And while the author is adept at expressing her frustration--with her marriage, with her husband, with the patriarchy--it doesn't seem like she fully lands the larger point she's trying to make. On the whole, Harrington is skeptical about marriage. She argues, fairly, that there shouldn't be anything shameful or embarrassing about a several-decade relationship coming to an end. She even has a chapter, "Things People Say When You Get Divorced That They Really Should Say When You Get Engaged." But despite her best efforts to avoid off coming off as "the divorce witch," her tone feels more personally aggrieved than anything. She sounds bitter.
Part of the issue is that we're getting a one-sided account of the relationship. Her husband is only present in her telling; he has his own perspective on all of this, one we only get glimpses of when he refers to her as "high strung" in a text she snoops on or takes issue with Harrington entering a Tinder flirtation during their separation without telling him. On the whole, though, he comes off as a good guy, decent and honest. Harrington gives him full credit for these positive traits, but the reader spends a lot of the book wondering where the problem is exactly.
Part of the challenge is that Harrington poses as a no-holds-barred truthteller, but she doesn't seem to put herself under the same microscope that she applies to her husband and society. As she admits at one point, a point of contention for her husband is that she has "different rules" for herself. The book supports that. Harrington often comes off as aggressive and self-absorbed, too caught up in what others think. It seems she felt the need to write a book-length memoir about why she was justified in getting a divorce instead of just getting one. (Spoiler: at the end, the couple is separated but still married and living in the same house.)
Harrington certainly raises some thoughtful points, about her marriage and everyones', and the bitter humor can be entertaining. But she's better at expressing her frustration than diagnosing what's going on. When she looks back at the past, her tone can be nostalgic and sweet, but when she writes about wanting to put a fist through a wall because of her husband's chewing, it just feels rant-y.
On the deepest level, "But You Seemed So Happy" feels like a lament about how she was supposed to be a special, cynical, smart young thing and instead has to go through the same dumb aging and disappointments and making a living that everyone else does. Unfortunately (and granted, this is a dude saying this), it happens to the best of us.
Quotes
"I thought I didn't care what he did and I would be happy for him when he moved on, because I was now an Evolved Person. Instead, I was shocked at how flashy and visceral my jealousy was. He could move on after I moved on! I'd be happy for him after I was happy with myself first!"
As Harrington admits in the introduction, this book about her divorce didn't have a great inciting incident. There wasn't infidelity or scandal; thankfully, there's no abuse or deep betrayal. Instead, the slow fadeout of her marriage falls into the classic category of "irreconcilable differences," and she spends these pages trying to examine just how they got to that point.
The memoir walks us through the romance-adjacent portions of Harrington's life: her parents' divorce, her high school longing, a move to Portland, meeting her husband, getting married, moving into a dilapidated farmhouse and having kids. From there, it becomes a slow, steady fizzle, a marriage drained of its love like a soda going flat.
As a life path, it feels common enough. And while the author is adept at expressing her frustration--with her marriage, with her husband, with the patriarchy--it doesn't seem like she fully lands the larger point she's trying to make. On the whole, Harrington is skeptical about marriage. She argues, fairly, that there shouldn't be anything shameful or embarrassing about a several-decade relationship coming to an end. She even has a chapter, "Things People Say When You Get Divorced That They Really Should Say When You Get Engaged." But despite her best efforts to avoid off coming off as "the divorce witch," her tone feels more personally aggrieved than anything. She sounds bitter.
Part of the issue is that we're getting a one-sided account of the relationship. Her husband is only present in her telling; he has his own perspective on all of this, one we only get glimpses of when he refers to her as "high strung" in a text she snoops on or takes issue with Harrington entering a Tinder flirtation during their separation without telling him. On the whole, though, he comes off as a good guy, decent and honest. Harrington gives him full credit for these positive traits, but the reader spends a lot of the book wondering where the problem is exactly.
Part of the challenge is that Harrington poses as a no-holds-barred truthteller, but she doesn't seem to put herself under the same microscope that she applies to her husband and society. As she admits at one point, a point of contention for her husband is that she has "different rules" for herself. The book supports that. Harrington often comes off as aggressive and self-absorbed, too caught up in what others think. It seems she felt the need to write a book-length memoir about why she was justified in getting a divorce instead of just getting one. (Spoiler: at the end, the couple is separated but still married and living in the same house.)
Harrington certainly raises some thoughtful points, about her marriage and everyones', and the bitter humor can be entertaining. But she's better at expressing her frustration than diagnosing what's going on. When she looks back at the past, her tone can be nostalgic and sweet, but when she writes about wanting to put a fist through a wall because of her husband's chewing, it just feels rant-y.
On the deepest level, "But You Seemed So Happy" feels like a lament about how she was supposed to be a special, cynical, smart young thing and instead has to go through the same dumb aging and disappointments and making a living that everyone else does. Unfortunately (and granted, this is a dude saying this), it happens to the best of us.
Quotes
"I thought I didn't care what he did and I would be happy for him when he moved on, because I was now an Evolved Person. Instead, I was shocked at how flashy and visceral my jealousy was. He could move on after I moved on! I'd be happy for him after I was happy with myself first!"
October 11, 2021
I received this book in a Goodreads giveaway. As everyone else has said, this is a very honest view of the author’s divorce and marriage/divorce in general. I’ve been through divorce twice myself. I’ve had many of the same thoughts about my own marriages, the second one especially. Sometimes I felt bad for her husband as he seemed blindsided but then I thought maybe he was aware of their issues but chose to ignore things.
I will admit, I was a little angry with the author when she spoke about how she left the care of her first two dogs to her husband. I am an animal lover and I adopted my animals knowing I was accepting responsibility for them just as I would take care of my children. I have dealt with sick and elderly pets while taking care of infant twins and never even thought about shoving off their care to my husband. I felt she was a bit selfish in doing that.
That being said, I think this is a good read and people may find this book helpful if they are going through some of the same things in their life.
I will admit, I was a little angry with the author when she spoke about how she left the care of her first two dogs to her husband. I am an animal lover and I adopted my animals knowing I was accepting responsibility for them just as I would take care of my children. I have dealt with sick and elderly pets while taking care of infant twins and never even thought about shoving off their care to my husband. I felt she was a bit selfish in doing that.
That being said, I think this is a good read and people may find this book helpful if they are going through some of the same things in their life.
April 4, 2022
3.5 rounded up!
Divorced or not, I think each reader can find something to take away from this book. Is it perfect? No, but that’s exactly what Harrington was going for. I appreciated her honest take on her life and acknowledging how her divorce would differ from others.
It was a good read filled with dry humor (my favorite) and an open reflection on her experiences. She also taps into marriage in general, what society expects of married couples, and what transpired after getting a divorce. Somewhere in the middle the message got a little fuzzy, but the ending pulled it back on track.
When a relationship is no longer salvageable, there is truly no easy solution or conclusion written within a marriage manual. To reiterate from earlier in my review, I really appreciated the attempt at honest reflection since divorce still seems like such a taboo topic.
Content warnings: miscarriage, animal death, divorce
Divorced or not, I think each reader can find something to take away from this book. Is it perfect? No, but that’s exactly what Harrington was going for. I appreciated her honest take on her life and acknowledging how her divorce would differ from others.
It was a good read filled with dry humor (my favorite) and an open reflection on her experiences. She also taps into marriage in general, what society expects of married couples, and what transpired after getting a divorce. Somewhere in the middle the message got a little fuzzy, but the ending pulled it back on track.
When a relationship is no longer salvageable, there is truly no easy solution or conclusion written within a marriage manual. To reiterate from earlier in my review, I really appreciated the attempt at honest reflection since divorce still seems like such a taboo topic.
Content warnings: miscarriage, animal death, divorce
January 6, 2022
Compulsively readable (to me) essays about romance, expectations, marriage, separation, divorce, and estrangement. Kimberly Harrington's parents were young when they got married and had her fairly quickly. Harrington felt that her parents either didn't want her or cooled on the notion of parenting early in her life. And that not-wantedness or not-wanted-enoughness has stuck with her throughout her life so far. Despite all her accomplishments and successes and good qualities, she has felt unappreciated.
My friend who is a divorce lawyer (sorry, I mean a family law attorney) tells me that she works with her clients when they are not at their best—when they are at a low point in their lives. Harrington wrote this book during a two-year period when she was separated but not divorced. So that low point seems to taint many of her recollections going back to childhood.
Harrington's first book was about motherhood, and the second one is about separation and preparing for divorce. I wonder if the third one will be about life after divorce.
Be warned: The author relies heavily on rhetorical questions. One essay is nothing but rhetorical questions.
My friend who is a divorce lawyer (sorry, I mean a family law attorney) tells me that she works with her clients when they are not at their best—when they are at a low point in their lives. Harrington wrote this book during a two-year period when she was separated but not divorced. So that low point seems to taint many of her recollections going back to childhood.
Harrington's first book was about motherhood, and the second one is about separation and preparing for divorce. I wonder if the third one will be about life after divorce.
Be warned: The author relies heavily on rhetorical questions. One essay is nothing but rhetorical questions.
September 24, 2023
Kimberly Harrington's brutally honest and self-deprecating essays/memoir about the slow-motion ending of her 20-year marriage was funny, insightful, and at times sad.
It's a story without villains and victims, where nearly everything lies in a gray zone - like life. Because of this, and the fact that she is a woman critiquing marriage and monogamy, it is a polarizing book for many people... especially for "happily" married women in particular, judging by the 1 and 2-star reviews.
It's not a book for a general audience. You're either in a place in your life where this speaks to you, or you're not. I thought it was phenomenal.
It's a story without villains and victims, where nearly everything lies in a gray zone - like life. Because of this, and the fact that she is a woman critiquing marriage and monogamy, it is a polarizing book for many people... especially for "happily" married women in particular, judging by the 1 and 2-star reviews.
It's not a book for a general audience. You're either in a place in your life where this speaks to you, or you're not. I thought it was phenomenal.
October 17, 2021
You don’t need to be married or divorced to relate to her story. It somehow made me laugh and bawl my eyes out just in the span of a few pages. Such a beautiful book
dnf
April 18, 2024dnf @ pg. 174
This is insufferable and I refuse to torture myself like this.
This is insufferable and I refuse to torture myself like this.
November 4, 2021
I loved this book. Whenever I read Harrington’s writing (books or essays or Twitter updates), I wish I knew her personally. She seems like someone I’d like to be friends with.
Even if you've never been married, or if you're married but have never contemplated divorce, there is value to be found in this book. Some people, like Harrington, are such good writers that it’s easy to relate to them because of the way they describe their lives.
I also like how she structured the book: short essays, long essays, some humorous, some serious.
Sometimes I want books to be shorter so I can be done with them; I wished this one was longer.
Even if you've never been married, or if you're married but have never contemplated divorce, there is value to be found in this book. Some people, like Harrington, are such good writers that it’s easy to relate to them because of the way they describe their lives.
I also like how she structured the book: short essays, long essays, some humorous, some serious.
Sometimes I want books to be shorter so I can be done with them; I wished this one was longer.
October 31, 2021
I wish I could buy this book for every woman who is thinking about getting a divorce or has already gotten one, and maybe also for anyone who knows anyone who is divorced.
November 28, 2021
Just finished this book.
Well, wow.
It was funny, sad, smart, heartbreaking and hopeful.
It was REAL.
I couldn’t put it down and anxiously waited to see what would unfold next.
Struggling in a marriage that has lost its affection and appreciation is difficult. Waiting to be loved is much more important than being in a loveless marriage.
Seriously, this book haunts me. I keep thinking about all that was shared and the words were perfect. Lent it to a friend who’s going through a break from her husband. No money to live in separate homes so they’re nesting. She was excited about the book and loved it.
The author deserved that 20th anniversary party, and deserves to have someone completely in love with her.
Thanks for writing the book and sharing so much!
Well, wow.
It was funny, sad, smart, heartbreaking and hopeful.
It was REAL.
I couldn’t put it down and anxiously waited to see what would unfold next.
Struggling in a marriage that has lost its affection and appreciation is difficult. Waiting to be loved is much more important than being in a loveless marriage.
Seriously, this book haunts me. I keep thinking about all that was shared and the words were perfect. Lent it to a friend who’s going through a break from her husband. No money to live in separate homes so they’re nesting. She was excited about the book and loved it.
The author deserved that 20th anniversary party, and deserves to have someone completely in love with her.
Thanks for writing the book and sharing so much!
October 26, 2021
If I go could give this 10 stars, I would. I laughed and cried through this book and it was so relatable, in hundreds of ways.
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