*Thank you to the author, publisher, and netgalley for a free arc in return for an honest review*
I went into this expecting a quick guide on perfumes, scents and tips for my newfound love of smells- but I won something far more profound and heart-warming that made me laugh or brought me to tears at near every turn.
Spoilers and quotes inbound, because I truly cannot express what this book made me feel without them.
"All women who love perfume learn to embrace the facets of their identity that are for better and for worse characterised as witchy." About 4 years ago now, on the dawn of my journey down a spiritual path I started to take a specialised interest in scents. Gone was the child-like curled nose at peppercorns and spice on a woman, and the teen-riddles insecurities about smelling like anything other than fresh linen. I realised very quickly that being confident in both ones dress, beliefs and aroma were all something unknown to my peers. I was the outsider, who wore black and burnt incense. And somewhere along the way being unapologetic about taking up space with my body and layers of perfume, I realised people tended to categorise it all together, regardless of meaning. Strange. Eccentric. Witch. Something within me reading this stuck me so soundly, and I was surprised about how my interest in scents also aligned with the time I stopped fitting into what others expected from me.
Mere pages later, I was thrust further back in time, 6 years ago at the height of my teen-drama and right into a mindset and person I have long outgrown. "Already by age fifteen, I was a profoundly wounded person- cut down by poverty, by the failures of my parents [...] by a world that wants to take everything from a girl, by social isolation and the consequence-laden oppression of my fledging queerness. The things that steadied me were banned books, punk rock, [...] and the unnerving conviction that someday my giftedness would set me free. My pen mouth was a knife edge, my attitude oozed out from every pore. And on top of this all, I swam in a cloud of Warm Vanilla sugar." // "It centred, warmed and comforted me so that I could focus on staying alive." // "It lingered in a room long after I departed, catching everyone in my wide blast radius. It announced me. It was persistent" // It was my business card, my trademark."" // "the irony seems clear: during all my youthful perseverance, Warm Vanilla Sugar was an anchor to humanity I could not otherwise afford to show." ...
I didn't expect to cry, didn't even realise what was making me feel so emotional and restless about memories of my own struggling adolescence until I looked up to my windowsill and saw the bottle of vanilla body mist. I had been fond of it in my youth, dousing it on morning noon and night. Always a bottle with me, so much so it lingered even after a shower. I had bought a bottle recently, after growing out of it some years ago because I had seen it sitting on a shelf, harkening to some bygone era. Tears sliding down my face and turning my kindle's screen into a swimming pool, I realised that was my Warm Vanilla Sugar.
I felt watched, emotional, and called out. My childhood and adolescence was not a happy one. No memories escaped without some dark cloud or lingering wound that tears anew every time it is uncovered. I didn't expect to have such a profound experience, one I didn't even realise it until I read it, summed up so blatantly.
For everything I was in my youth, unattractive, unhappy, queer, desperate for a life raft in the unending tsunami that was and is my life, I saw myself in Volpert. I don't know if she meant to connect with the reader, how she could have known. But I cried so hard I had to put my kindle down. I cried for the grief I felt everyday in that time, and for the safety blanket that basic vanilla perfume had been. Tears ran for who I was, and who I have become. I didn't realise that perfume has such a place in my heart and life. Didn't know it was still so deeply rooted in the sparse memories I have. I wish I could say thank you, envelop the author into a bear hug I wish I could have given my child-self and ask her for scent recommendations. I have never felt so seen by someone I have never met, and who was never met me before either.
Although I didn't cry again, I cherished the time it took me to finish the book. Closer to the end I stumbled across another gem, which stuck a chord within me so deep I had to stand up, cross my room and spray myself with the knock-off pomegranate noir and baccarat rouge perfumes I bought on my own, new-born quest into scent, "To hunt for a grail fragrance is to go on a spiritual expedition in search of an enigmatic object of healing that may be more mythical than real."
What this line made me feel, I may not ever be able to describe, just like the two sampler replications also evoke within me.
Perhaps I don't know why I am searching so hard for something I cannot perceive- but I know what it will be when I find it. Something that embodies me, and everything I wish to be, everything I fear and may become.
Perfume is more than just an accessory, it holds great meaning of memory and personal accomplishment. I like to think I am something more than that girl who wore vanilla body mist like battle armour, but even if I am not- I'm simply grateful that my collection holds a greater selection now.
This book hit me where I didn't know I hurt, but I'm grateful for it, and the introspection it has given.