Out of Love

by Hazel Hayes

Out of Love begins at the end. A couple call it quits after nearly five years, and while holding a box of her ex-boyfriend's belongings, the young woman wonders: How could they have spent so long together? When did they fall out of love? Were there good times before the bad? These are the questions we obsess over when a relationship ends, even when obsessing can do no good. But instead of moving forward through the emotional fallout of a break-up, Out of Love moves backward in time, weaving together an already unraveled tapestry, from tragic ending to magical first kiss. Each chapter jumps further into the past, mining their history for the days and details that might help us understand love; how it happens and why it sometimes falls apart.

Readers of Normal People; Goodbye, Vitamin; and One Day will adore this bittersweet romance, a sparkling debut that you won't want to miss.

Genres: Romance, Fiction, Contemporary, Adult, Mental Health, Audiobook, LGBT

416 pages, Paperback

First published June 11, 2020

About the author

Hazel Hayes (born 21 January 1985) is an Irish YouTube filmmaker, author, and presenter. She is known for her interview series, Tipsy Talk, on her YouTube channel (formerly ChewingSand) as well as her series and short films. Her debut novel, Out Of Love, was published in 2020.

Hayes was born and raised in Donaghmede, a suburb of north Dublin. She has an older sister and two older brothers. She graduated from Dublin City University in 2007, where she served as deputy president of the Student Union, with a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism. She then took classes at the Irish Writers' Centre.

Hayes began her career working for Google and then YouTube as a manager before becoming a YouTuber herself.

Hayes began her interview series, Tipsy Talk in 2013 in which she interviews popular creators and later celebrities whilst intaking alcohol. She is also known for her short films and web series. Her 2014 short film, Dementia, was nominated for and won a work shop competition with Guillermo del Toro. Later, in 2017, she directed Fullscreen series Prank Me starring Corey Fogelmanis. The series earned her an Excellence in Storytelling award at the 2017 Buffer Festival. Other works includes her vlogs Time of the Month, web series Unnecessary Otter, pilot Hot Mess, and short films Super Brainy Zombies and Septem.

She has since directed dodie's music video for her song "Human" in 2018 and later 'I Kissed Someone (It Wasn't You)' and Anna Akana's 2019 "Disappointment" music video.

In November 2018, Hayes announced her debut novel, Out of Love, a romance novel she would publish through Unbound. It was announced on its release date in June 2020 that Rabbit Track Pictures had picked up the rights to the novel, with Hayes writing and Kitty Kaletsky overseeing the film adaption.

Hayes began hosting Prime Video Club alongside Munya Chawawa for Amazon Prime Video in April 2020, a series discussing various series and films on the platform.

Reviews

[Mia]

so basically, this is written by hazel hayes, an irish woman i would die for, and it’s blurbed by aisling bea, an irish woman i would die for

[Dodes Clork · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book will utterly shatter you
starting at the end and getting to know and understand these two characters more as they move back in time is a guaranteed way to leave you bawling at the final chapter; full of hope and excitement for a relationship you’ve already read to be doomed.

[Nilufer Ozmekik · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow! What a creative way of reviewing the anatomy of broken/ toxic relationship by moving backwards: witnessing the breakup and going back with time jumps to learn why things didn’t work out: it made me feel like reading dramatic/ romantic version of Memento! The movie also starts with its ending and you move backwards step by step to find out what was the real reason behind things got out of control!

I didn’t watch YouTube videos of the author till I read the book but I realized she’s doing quiet brilliant job. I enjoyed her sense of humor, smart comments, her naturalness and I highly recommend you to check them out.

And I have to admit this book is such a great start with this interesting concept which made me push request button harder after reading the blurb. I’m sold at first sight.

But... yes my unpopular but comments are about to come:

Even though I liked this unique concept, there are some problematic things bothered me to enjoy the full ride.

I liked to start my pros because I always like to concentrate on good things in books : I know how hard the creation process and criticizing things without thinking further is easier.

So the idea and execution between time jumps and focusing on mental health, family dynamics, relationships were great choices to form an inspirational and thought provoking story.

But here are my cons:
Unfortunately I tried too hard to connect with the protagonist who shall not be named and Theo was typical horrible person who never ever earned my sympathy. He can be quiet easily punchable douchebag.

Reading about toxic relationships is always enlightening experience but i always like to read the characters I truly care about. If I could care any of them, reading of their self discovery and painful journey could help me to empathize with them. So the characterization part of the book failed me!

The subject choice and creative plot line intrigued me. So I’m still looking forward to read future works of the author ( actually watching videos and putting a face on the creator and her Irish heritage are also the factors made me more interested) !

So this time I’m giving three solid, it’s okay read but it could be better, getting rid of toxic relationships and toxic people as I’m listening Britney’s Toxic song stars!

Special thanks to NetGalley and PENGUIN GROUP Dutton for sharing this digital reviewer copy with me in exchange my honest opinions.

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book, but it also hurt me and broke my heart which is incredibly rude. We follow our unnamed female protagonist as she is parting from her long-term, live-in boyfriend. The book then goes in reverse, recounting events until we get to the end of the book and the day she meets Theo

Because this love story starts at the end, at the breakdown of a relationship, the pacing and drive of the story is unlike anything I've read before. I wanted to keep reading to find out what led to this inevitable break up and where their issues originated from. Because of that, it was pretty heavy emotionally. We're seeing the deterioration of a relationship, two people losing each other and falling out of love, and it actually made me feel pretty emotional at times

This book is completely driven by the protagonist. We get to know her and her priorities alongside understanding why her relationship with Theo ended. This book has important discussions on mental health and therapy, as our protagonist suffers from depression and anxiety

Something I couldn't relate to but loved, and felt viscerally, was the protagonist's love of her home country and Irish culture. I could feel the pain she felt towards moving away from Ireland and her family. And more than this story being a love story told in reverse, it's also a story of family, loss, self-discovery, and friendship (we all deserve a Maya in our lives)

I'd recommend this book is you enjoyed Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, The Other Half of Augusta Hope and The Flatshare. I wouldn't directly compare it to any of them, but I felt like the vibe was all of them mixed together

TW: mentions of suicide, emotional and sexual abuse, and drug abuse/alcoholism, grief

Be warned, this book uses many swear words, especially the C- and F-bombs. I don't mind swearing, but just know that in case it bothers you

*This book was sent to me by the publisher in exchange for an honest review*

[Samantha · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really excited to read this book and would like to preface by saying that Hazel is an absolute gem. There are also some really lovely lines and moments in the book but I feel as though there is a good reason why we don’t tell stories in reverse- it just doesn’t work. The book doesn’t go anywhere, the first chapter is the break up and the last chapter is how they met. As such, the rest of the book just confirms the things we already know from the offset (and don’t particularly need to have explained).

It’s a frustrating read, not only because we already know everything that’s ever going to happen but because I spent the first few pages of each chapter trying to figure out where I was in the timeline of the relationship. By the time I’d figured out how many weeks/months/years before the previous chapter we were, I hadn’t actually read the page in front of me.

The most successful chapters were the ones where the protagonist was recounting events to another character through flashbacks (because we are tied to a more definite sense of time or place) but there are only three of those (the opening chapter, the chapter with Maya after Paris and the therapy session). I can’t help but think the rest of the book would have been better if it had been carried out in the same format, the protagonist still moving forward in time but using flashbacks to shed light on her past.

There’s no doubt that the book has lovely moments of sentiment but the structure is awkward and I can’t see myself picking it up again.

[Jasmine · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the About the Author section, it says Hazel Hayes made the switch from horror to romance because there is “nothing more horrific than love.” That perfectly encapsulates this emotional novel.

This story traces a couple’s relationship backwards from its heart-wrenching end to its bright and hopeful beginning. The unnamed protagonist is expecting her ex, Theo, to pick up the remainder of his possessions while she contemplates how their once love-filled romance came to this cold and tragic split. She can pinpoint the exact moments when her partner fell in and out of love with her.

There are conversations on mental health, including depression, anxiety, panic attacks, trauma, and ptsd. There are also discussions on race, sexuality and what it was like for our left-leaning character to date someone whose family has conservative views.

I loved the main character’s mom, she would literally drop everything at a moment’s notice and fly on a plane to support her daughter in any way that she could. And the MC’s friend, Maya, everyone needs a friend like her.

This definitely broke my cold black heart and then jaggedly stitched it back together. I look forward to more from the author and will gobble up anything else that Hazel Hayes chooses to write.

CW: suicide ideation and non-descriptive sexual assault.

Thank you to Penguin Group Dutton for the ARC provided via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Tianna✸loves books✸ · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn’t like the concept of reverse storytelling.
The main lead’s boyfriend was a douchebag. He has broken up with her. The first chapter basically tells the whole story.
The whole book is about how they came to the point of break. It’s pretty obvious. The reverse going was confusing. Also we hate the guy so why would we like to know how she met him.
This book was sad and depressing. There’s no outcome. We know what’s gonna happen. My attention span is already very low. If the book doesn’t have any mystery or spice then I’m out of it.
I skim read it.
Though I must say that the author’s writing wasn’t bad. I might read her other books.

[konstantina · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Do you always deflect difficult emotions with humour?"

It's not everyday that i get to finally find and read a book that it's gonna end up being one of my all time favorite reads. I finished it hours ago and i still don't think that i can put into words how much i connected with the heroine and how i found myself not wanting to keep reading cause i simply didn't want this to end. Hazel Hayes is a total genius for making this book start with the ending of the relatioship and finishing it with the day our characters met. From the very first few pages i was already so invested in the heroine's story and i was so emotional with everything going on i felt like i already read the book. The whole backwards plot makes you want to continue the book because in one way or another you just have to know what went wrong with them why did they end up the way they did. Out of love may sound like a romance, well, a sad romance between two people that were toxic for each other, but it's so much more. It's a character study, focusing more on our heroine. Our character deals with anxiety and depression and in the end she is brave enough to go see a therapist in hopes of “fixing” herself. Dealing with anxiety myself, I sometimes felt like this book was talking about me instead of the characters, and that's probably why her story felt so real to me. She had to deal with her abusive father and  on top of that she was then sexually abused by her ex boyfriend. The fact that she lived like that and still woke up everyday and go on with her life makes her so damn brave in my eyes. I'm not saying she was perfect, if anything she had flaws and she was aware of them. She was just trying to get better, like we all do at all times. The author not giving our heroine a name made me connect with her on another level i felt like i was living her life i was going though so many emotions i felt the need to put down the book and just take a breath.

Now let's talk about her and Theo's relationship. DAMN just damn i mean was Theo an asshole ? yup, some of his action just can't be justified. For example, how he thought that he can control what our heroine does with her body, or how he sexualized her when she confessed to him that she thought that she might be bisexual. He definitely dealt with trauma on his own and we can't ignore that, but we all go through tough shit without channeling that trauma into disrespect towards women. From what we can see, his mother wasn't the perfect role model as he was growing up and his father was an addict, just like our heroine's dad. Both our characters didn't have the best support system growing up, but at least our heroine knew there was something wrong and went to therapy. In contrast to her, even after her numerous suggestions, Theo refused to go. Now, about their relationship as a whole... Wow. What a ride. Reading the last pages it genuinely felt like the beginning of a fairytale but sadly, this is not what life is about. Life is bittersweet, we have our ups and downs and not everything works out. But we have to keep living and fighting just like these two characters did. The way they met and how easily she opened up to Theo was truly, honestly sweet. It was mind blowing how we got to the end of their relationship, and the timeline moving backwards made the story ten times more poignant. Seeing her fight for them even during her darkest times was so sad, there was a lot she was grappling with and putting a relationship to the mix exhausted her even more, but it was evident how much she loved him. So she tried, and tried, until he was done with her, which is when she finally gave up.

This was one of these stories that you can't help but be invested in. Hours later and i keep thinking about how her life turned out to be, if she accomplished all of her dreams, if her mental health improved, if she found someone that can be her rock, and whom she doesn’t feel like she needs to constantly shield from the world. If she’s talking to her Mom and Maya, because admittedly we all need a Maya in our lives to keep us grounded and tell us everything will eventually be okay, even though now it doesn’t seem like it . We all have each other and we just need a hand to help us keep going when everything else fails. This book was definitely one of my favorite reads this year, it legitimately made me want to pick up the phone and get some help with my anxiety. It’s always good to know that you're not alone in this world, and that you’re not the only person struggling with your mental health. We all have each other and we just need a hand to help us keep going when everything else fails. Congratulations to Hazel Hayes for creating such a beautifully worded book, I can't wait to read more of her work!!!

P.s. If you sexualize bi people you're a fucking asshole, men are a disease bisexual people do not exist for your entertainment.

[Mads Browse · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF @ 250pgs

I rarely rate DNFs and normally don't even count them as finished books, but I was so close with this one I'm counting it! Quite frankly, I did not like this, at all! Only reason it isn't 1 star is because it wasn't outright offensive

[Grayson Holmes · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS IS TRULY ONE OF THE BEST AND MOST UNIQUE BOOKS IVE EVER READ. from the minute i read the synopsis, i knew it’d be right up my alley and i was really hoping it was executed well. AND IT WAS. i genuinely think this book is perfect. the concept is truly just so cool and it exceeded my expectations.

i literally cried so much while reading this, but a lot of times it was in a bittersweet way. i think this teaches such an important lesson about knowing when to let go and move on. and that it’s okay to move on. it’s okay for things to come to an end. you’ll be okay. you’ll always have the memories. but not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. i love when a book sort of dissects the idea of love and relationships. i think anyone who has been in a long term relationship can relate to a lot of the points made in this book.

this also tackles topics such as mental health, motherhood, and familial relationships which is also something i love to read about. it just brings up so many great points all around.

i think both of the main characters were both sort of emotionally complex. even though i sort of hated theo A LOT….i understood him. but the female main character specifically was so emotionally complex and i loved being in her headspace. certain coping mechanisms and thought processes of hers were super relatable. the characters were very real and raw and human.

the writing in this was BEAUTIFUL. i adore the prose. it describes so many little intricacies of a relationship (even the bad parts) in such a beautiful and relatable way. i think it reminds me a bit of sally rooney. who i adore. it was also very interesting that we actually never get to know the MC’s name too.

a small detail i loved was the chapter titles and the way they connected to the story. the pacing of this was amazing and i didn’t want to put the book down but at the same time i put off reading like the last 50 pages because i didn’t want it to be over.

overall, this book just makes me feel so empty. it was almost like watching a car crash in reverse. especially because at the beginning, you’re seeing the breakup and the effects and you’re like “how did these characters stay together this long?” but as the story progresses, you see everything come together and you get why they stayed together that long!!! and you see all the shiny promises that are made at the beginning of a relationship and how ultimately promises can’t be kept. honestly, the last chapter of this broke me. especially the last few paragraphs. it made my heart feel like an empty soda can that just got crushed. something about this just felt so real. almost too real. which might be why i loved it so much. this left me feeling equally disenchanted and hopeful about love. it’s such a strange combination of emotions, but that’s what i feel.

[Emily Fox · Rating 3 out of 5]

I saw Hazel's tweet asking for reviews from people who've finished the book already, so figured I should lose my goodreads virginity!

Since Hazel first made a video asking for donations to fund writing this I've been really looking forward to reading the book, I enjoy her storytelling style in vlog format and short horror film, but if I am honest with myself I'd give this a 2.5 out of 5 (though can't select that, so hit 3 instead of 2!)

The woman can write, there's no doubt, but this just wasn't anything special and I'm sure I amn't the only of her followers who found it impossible to separate the characters from her and the people in her online life. The book appears to document her real breakup with her ex boyfriend, Ollie, and is so in line with her real life from all she has shared from vlogs that I don't know why she didn't simply write a memoir.

The concept isn't unique, either. Love story in reverse is the tagline from How I Met Your Mother and though this was executed differently, I found that, as the book went on, I just didn't really care because I knew where the characters would end up. That's how our brains are wired, I suppose. To want to know what's going to happen. But we don't get that payoff here. We get a lot of telling and little showing, we get an odd exploration of bisexuality that really didn't feel like it fit, though the reason I gave it 2.5 is the really great one liners sprinkled throughout. The writing is solid, but there just wasn't enough happening and there was no resolution which should have been obvious going in. We all know why people break up, I would have enjoyed more of the how they fell in love I just didn't really feel it.

It's pretty awesome to have a documentation of the breakup of a relevant relationship in your life, physical and in your hands, it's just also kind-of morbid or something, I couldn't keep that thought out of my head through every single chapter. How this happened five years ago (I've watched the author on YouTube that long! longer actually!) and how she must have been reliving it every day ever since, prompting this book and the idea.

I'd recommend the read if you're already a fan of the YouTuber

[Celia Östergaard · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate you. I love you so fucking much that... it's not very nice sometimes. It's horrible, actually. I think about losing you and it's like someone's standing on my chest. You could break me. If you wanted to. You could absolutely fucking break me."

TW: abuse, sexual abuse, alcohol addiction, mental illness.

Plot: 4/5
Characters: 3/5
Language: 4/5
Environment: 4/5
Overall: 4/5

Plot
A young woman is packing up her ex-boyfriend's belongings and prepares to see him one last time. She wonders where it all went wrong. The amazing sex. The sweet kisses. The warm hugs. The deep conversations. Where did it all go? Instead of telling a story of how she met the love of her life, she tells a story of how she lost him.

This is a love story but backward. The main character, whose name is never revealed, is a young, Irish woman, sometimes called "Angel" by her ex-boyfriend Theo and "Baby" by her mother. The story begins with them falling apart, and through the story, we go backward - from the day they break up to the day they first meet. It is a lovely concept and I loved the plot. How creative is that? We have so many stories of how love begins, but so few stories of how love ends. It was refreshing to read about love as a tragedy rather than a comedy. And perhaps even more relatable. Because let us be honest, how many people experience the love we read about in our novels? This was realistic. It was relatable. Love can be tragic. And instead of feeling this I-want-to-cry-my-eyes-out-feeling, I had a lump in my stomach throughout the entire reading process. Instead of crying, I felt empty. However, the story may be beautiful but it was boring at its places. Maybe I felt that way because I personally did not relate to the story. Someone else might love it. What do I know?

“That moment is what I love most about creating something new: the idea, the spark, the beginning, where what might have been was still what might be.”

Characters
I literally have no idea what the main character's name is, and it kind of bothers me. I mean, it's brilliant to keep her open for the imagination. Perhaps she was anonymous so we, the readers, can imagine that we are her. I don't even know what she looked like. All I know is that she was Irish, a woman in her thirties, she suffered from both depression and anxiety, she was bisexual, and she had terrible taste in men. But I liked her. She went through so much - a heartbreak, an alcohol-addicted and abusive father, a depressed mother, an abusive boyfriend, an ED, depression, anxiety - and she still carried the entire story with elegance. Then there's Theo... oh dear. Where do I begin. I think Theo is a reflection of many men out there. He was a sweetheart at first with those golden curls and sarcastic personality and charming smile, and then he turned into... whatever he turned into. I did not like him at all. His mother Jocelyn was equally as annoying. But Maya was cute, I want a friend like her!

“I pictured the couple we might someday become. And in my mind, in that moment at least, they lived happily ever after.”

Language
The language was very similar to my writing style, which I appreciated. Easy to read, very fast-forward, easy to understand, and at the same time, it was beautiful. There were some curse words in there so be ready for that. Overall, great language. I would have appreciated a liiiitle more poetry in there, but I'm satisfied.

“Rituals and routine became a safety blanket of sorts, something I could wrap around myself when things felt uncertain, which they so often did.”

Environment
It was a thrill to return to London, I miss it so much. Damn you, miss rona!! And it was lovely to see Ireland as well. The author left much for the imagination, but just enough for the reader to know where they were and how it looked like. Sometimes I even smelled the places. Would have appreciated a little more variation, but it was good.

“A breakup is like a death without a funeral.”

Overall
Overall, a very refreshing love story that everyone should read. Don't let my rating scare you. It was beautiful, I just didn't connect with the characters. I think we all can learn something from Out of love, I sure did. I learned that I'm not a banana just because my brain tells me so, which means I'm also not ugly or stupid because my brain tells me so. Great lesson! I really recommend this novel and find it criminally underrated. Great job, Hazel Hayes!

"Towards the end of my last relationship, it crept into my consciousness and lodged there; a little seed that grew into a plan. He was a lot like my father, my ex. They so often are. We choose these men, I'm told, because the pain they cause is familiar and therefore comfortable. How sad is that?"

[Tessa · Rating 2 out of 5]

You can’t fail at a relationship. That’s like getting off a roller coaster and saying you failed because the ride is over. Things end. That doesn’t mean the experience wasn’t worth it.

*2.5 stars
Unlike Holly Bourne’s The Places I've Cried in Public, I don’t think that the narrative style worked for this book. To be honest, I wasn’t able to sympathise with the main character here, which might have been my biggest problem. From the beginning, the reader knows that Theo is a horrible man, but, after finishing the book, the main character could have seen this from the beginning of their relationship. The more I read, the less I cared about their relationship.
I saw other reviews that say that the book is a lot of telling and little showing, and I absolutely agree with this statement. While I definitely liked the banter between the main character and her friend, nothing else really stood out. However, I think Hazel has a knack for writing and I can see myself picking up another book by her, if she writes one.

[Gabby Humphreys · Rating 5 out of 5]

Out of Love is one I love to reread, especially around December because there is a single scene of a work Christmas party which makes me feel festive without having to read utter mush. No offence but I just cannot get behind branded festive books. I’m sorry, you can call me Scrooge if you want.

“But Gabby”, I hear you say, “isn’t Out of Love a romance, and like you said before also slightly festive? Surely oh surely scroogey, this counts as the mush you just slandered?”.

What a great question. But hold your horses because Out of Love is a break up in reverse. We’re talking the opening scene of packing up boxes and filled with bitterness. The middle is scattered with good times but also times ot ignorance and questions over ones sanity. Then the end, oh the end, is filled with enthusiasm and the explanation of in jokes and nicknames and drunk over sharing and sober stresses about the weight of these conversations.

It’s magically done and one I’ll always recommend. Think the definition of bittersweet, plus some mediocre sex, plus Irish culture, plus best friends in a fairytale state of love, plus children, plus all the troubles of life and idk, some divine sounding bangers and mash. Mwah x

[Pheadra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a clever book. It starts at the end and works the reader back to the begining via a narrator who is also the main character. Despite knowing the ending one remains glued not because one is hoping for a magical change to the ending. One reads this because the writing is talented. The characterisation is impeccable. The realness and the rawness of the story is all too familiar and the humour interspersed throughout keeps one giggling between the sad tears that might flow. It is the tale of two people, each broken in their own way coming together in the hope of healing the other without realising that you have to heal yourself first.
Some readers in my book club stopped reading because they objected to the profanities and crudeness of some terminology, but this in no way detracted from the story for me that should be read by anyone who has lived through or is going through an unhealthy relationship. It is also a worthy read for those who have moved on and keep looking back to audit what went wrong where. Congratulations to the author.5 Stars.

[Dominique Demetz · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book had good intentions but was executed poorly. I’ve been a fan of the author for a long time and I’m very sad to say I’m disappointed in what seemed to be an unnecessary mentioning of random feminist clichés that didn’t have much meaning or reason behind them, i.e., there were many characters created just to mention that they broke gender roles never to be heard from again.

[Kacey Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book with my whole heart. Every time I was reading it I was very aware of how fast I was devouring every word. A love story in reverse, I was very sceptical as to how I would be surprised; knowing we start with the main character post break up, ending with the couple's first meeting, but even the ending (or beginning) had me emotional. If you know of Hazel, reading this book is like watching one of her videos. If you don't know of Hazel, you should. Of you're in need of an atypical love story, please read this book.

[Colleen Maclennan · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not my type of book. Book was over after the first twenty pages . Just skimmed the rest as no interest in the characters and how their relationship went south.

[juliette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This premise is SO GOOD. Honestly, I really love sort of outside of the box formats in books and seeing a relationship develop from the end towards the beginning of their relationship is so interesting to me. Out of Love might not be for everyone. Some might be annoyed with knowing how the relationship will end and having to go through the whole relationship. But to me, this was a really interesting exploration of love, life, and trauma. You slowly get the full picture of all characters and which things made them into the people they are at the beginning of the book. This book was really special to me and made me tear up multiple times (at parts that were not even particularly sad but just resonated with me). I am having a hard time giving this a rating because the story itself was not that new or exciting. The way the story was phrased and the feelings I had during this book make me lean towards a five-star rating. Also, the Irish culture included in this book was so much fun and when reading I often did hear it in my head in an Irish accent (thanks to Hazel's videos probably).

All in all, I really enjoyed this strange little book and would recommend it if you are looking for an interesting take on a relationship while knowing how it ends.

[Hannah · Rating 1 out of 5]

What I can say is: I read this book, and now I want to fall asleep.

This book had me intruiged by the premise, and didn't manage to grab me by the excecution. The first chapter is well written enough. It was a very tell and not show kind of book, the characters felt a bit surface level.

I feel like this book would have worked better as a screenplay, maybe. I feel like Hayes has a better grasp on structure and dialogue and rhythm, than prose. There were a few writing cliches I picked up on that took me out the book multiple times.

[Hilke · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will from now on aggressively advise everyone to read this. Now. Why are you not reading it yet?

[Megan ♡ · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'll start with a disclaimer about this, which is that I used to absolutely love Hazel Hayes and would watch her videos religiously when I was about 16/17/18. And then I fell out of love with her (see what I did there) but I bought this book because I really wanted to see what she'd written. Unfortunately, I wasn't overly impressed.

♡ For starters, I'm confused about why Hazel bothered to market this as a novel when it is so obviously a memoir. I admit I did use to watch her videos a lot and I have a really good memory so maybe most people won't be able to see the similarities between the story and Hazel's life but I couldn't ignore them. As an example, the narrator talks about her mother's struggle with cancer and getting a kidney removed. In Hazel's tipsy talk with Helen (her mum) they talk about how Helen had cancer and got a kidney removed. The narrator gets a tattoo of a treble clef on her left foot. Hazel has a tattoo of a treble clef on a her foot. It's not really a huge problem because it probably was supposed to be autobiographical but I do wonder if her ex boyfriend, who is so painfully the inspiration behind Theo, got any of the money Hazel got from this. She definitely made him out to be an evil human being when both parties did bad things.

♡ I have an issue with the writing. Mainly that it often tries too hard to be poetic and deep and lyrical, when stuff should have really been cut out. It's very obviously a debut and very obviously didn't get edited that perfectly because while Hazel is a talented writer, she focuses too much on intricate details that just bored me to death. I found myself skipping huge chunks of paragraphs because I couldn't see what they added to the story. I understand that she was trying to be deep but it didn't work for me.

♡ Then you've also got the cringey parts of the writing, with jokes that aren't that funny being laughed at way too hard. Some of the conversations were just so fake-deep and so unrealistic that I couldn't see the point of them. I found myself getting annoyed and rolling my eyes at conversations about stuff that people don't have conversations about.

♡ The actual timeline of the book was weird. I understand what Hazel was trying to do; tell a story backwards. But if she is so determined to make Theo out to be a monster, why would we want to see them fall in love. It just all seemed very pointless, and I guess Hazel's theory was that every person teaches you something even if it doesn't work out between you and she wanted to show that in her novel. Which was less novel and more memoir. It just didn't work for me.

♡ If Hazel wanted to write something that mirrored her life so much, I don't know why she didn't just write a memoir. She's an influencer, she would have sold probably the same amount of copies. And I do get not wanting to just strip naked in front of your entire audience and show all your insecurities and vulnerability and trauma, but she basically did that anyway. If I was her family, or her ex that Theo is based on, I wouldn't be that pleased about all the stuff she revealed. And if that stuff isn't autobiographical, she should have given the narrator a name (was she trying to emulate Rebecca) and she should have given her a story and a personality that doesn't already exist in Hazel.

♡ I did, however, enjoy bits of my time whilst reading this because I decided to annotate it and I'm going to lend it to my cousin who also used to be a fan of Hazel's. The writing had promise too, if Hazel had cut more of the unnecessary bits out. Also, I'm really nosy and it felt like reading a memoir.

O V E R A L L
I really wanted to enjoy this and went into it with an open mind, despite not being a fan of Hazel's content anymore. But it didn't work for me and I don't like how she marketed it as something and wrote it as something else. The writing was too purple at times, and trying too hard to be deep and meaningful when sometimes life isn't full of weird metaphors and imagery. And, this is petty, but I didn't like the chapter lengths (or the names of the chapters for that matter). I think, if Hazel did ever publish another book, I would read it. Because I didn't hate the writing and it could be improved upon, and if she wrote something that didn't mirror her own life so obviously, I think I would enjoy it.

[Leighane · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Between 2.5/3 stars)
I was pulled in by the concept of this but I’m not sure it worked for me as a reader, I found myself losing interest, towards the end especially and I did have to stop and think about the timeframes and work out where exactly I was in their relationship multiple times, I personally would have liked this better not in reverse.
There were definitely some positives to this though, there was a sentimental, honest transparency in the writing of these characters as they were falling in and out of love and the complexities, good and bad that, that brings out in them, there was definitely no shying away from the bad parts which I appreciated.
And an honorary mention for Maya! she really stood out in this, her loyalty and emotional support was hopeful and gorgeous to read

[Alyssa Athena · Rating 4 out of 5]

I struggle with romance books, but this was good. The format is also really interesting because this relationship is introduced when they are breaking up and we work backwards until the first day they met. If you love dissecting characters, then you will enjoy.

[Hanne · Rating 1 out of 5]

As someone who easily cries when watching/reading, I was expecting a lovestory that would make me cry from start to finish. I did not cry once.

The concept of writing a story in reverse is an interesting idea, but after the third chapter it becomes tiresom. When I first heard of the concept I imagined that there would be to timelines, one present and one past, moving towards the middle, where the breakup happens. That way the reader would learn about how the characters got to know each other and ultimatly live without each other, and at the very end learn about the circumstances surrounding the break-up. Starting the story with the break-up/climax makes the rest of the book less interessting to read, since we already know what happens. Additionally was the timeline of the entire story quite confusing at times, a problem which could have easily been fixed by a countdown towards break-up/first date at the start of every chapter.

The fact that the plot is so heavily influenced by H. Hayes own life, and that she choses to include parts that she also has done post break-up (and shared publicly online (e.g. Photowall on kitchen cabinets.)), continually stopped me from getting invested in the story and the characters. Instead it made me question how much of the book was fiction and how much was fact. In the end I sat there questioning if this actually was 300+ pages of trying to slander an ex-boyfriend.

Perhaps the saying should not be "Write what you know." but, "Write what you know, not what you are known for."

H. Hayes writing is fine, it conjures images well enough, but given that she more or less wrote about her own life, I think she need to produce more books for me to say something definite about her writing style.

All in all, it was "meh" and the book will probably go to goodwill in the next few days.

[Ali Kennedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderful. I loved so much about it and urge everyone to read it.

The tale of a breakup told backwards is such a great concept and it really helped us to explore the relationship between Theo and our unnamed narrator, in a unique way. How you feel about each of the characters really evolves over the duration of the book. The characters are so well developed and authentic that you really become invested in them. My heart broke multiple times throughout the course of the novel.

The plot sounds unusual and complex, because it is a breakup told backwards so you know how their story ends. However, I did not find this confusing at all; in fact, it is such a simple yet effective device to tell their story. It obviously doesn't end with a happily ever after, yet it did not feel incomplete by the time I reached the end. It was a real bittersweet reading journey.

Hayes' writing is stunning at parts, and she has such a way with words that sometimes I just had to stop and really take in a sentence or section of the book. What's more, she is really very funny and some of the scenes and comments made me really laugh. Some of it is rather dry humour, but I love that.

She is firmly on my list of authors whose next book I will be buying without hesitation.

One of my favourite books of the year so far.

[Bill Muganda · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting take on a break-up novel told backward revealing the small moments that brought the end to this relationship. The protagonist finds her partner has slowly moved out and her world comes to a halt latching on to the why takes us through her life choices, diving deeply into the parts of her childhood that shaped some of her outlook on love and relationship. I giggled and was moved by her other relationships, her mother, her best friends, the women she encountered, and the connections she formed. By the end of the book, you get a fully flawed character just trying to find her footing in this confusing life.

[Shereadbookblog · Rating 4 out of 5]

A relationship ends; its story is told in reverse. This was a creative approach to a romance unraveling that I felt was successful in trying to understand what went wrong.

It was well written and poignant, with a realistic examination of family, damaged psyches, and people trying to make their way in the world. At times, near the end (which was the beginning of the relationship!), it did drag a bit, but overall a decent read.

[Caoimhe · Rating 1 out of 5]

Theo is a big A , but it takes two to tango. Wth! Threesome???!!