Discomfortable: What Is Shame and How Can We Break Its Hold?

by A.J. Bond

The go-to guide to understand and unpack shame: what it is, why we feel it, and how to undo the lies it tells us about ourselves.

Are you ready to get Discomfortable?

This is a book about shame: what it is, why we have it, and how we can break its hold on our happiness. We all know shame: it’s that feeling that tells us that somehow, who we are is inherently wrong. It’s more than embarrassment or regret: it shakes us to the core. And most of all, it tells us that we need to be, feel, and act differently in order to be seen, loved, and accepted.

Author and “shame-ed” coach AJ Bond takes us through his own shame breakthrough, sharing how he went from I’d rather die than be gay to uncovering and reclaiming his inherent wholeness and worth. With unexpected humor, warmth, and candid personal stories, Bond shows readers:

• Why shame shows up–the trauma, fixed mindsets, and messaging that give it a foothold
• How shame tricks you into believing there’s something wrong with you, even when you’re perfectly right
• The evolutionary reasons we humans developed a sense of shame (and why it doesn’t serve us today)
• How to manage and deprogram shame through connection, gratitude, and empowered choice
• How we can re-parent ourselves, be fully seen, and feel fully loved

Bond shines a light on this feeling that doesn’t want to be seen, heard, or named–and invites us to bring our own shame into the open and release it to reclaim and reframe our lives in a powerful new way.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help

288 pages, Paperback

Published September 7, 2021

Reviews

[James Jesso · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a very deep dive on shame. It has a lot of great information on developmental conditioning; emotions and emotional processing; humans as social animals; healing from the wounds of our past, especially shame; and a bunch more.

I only gave it four stars though as much of it was a review for me and there were times where I found myself less engaged than I might have been if I wasn't already familiar with what he was speaking to.

I would highly recommend this to anyone struggling with shame,
I also highly applaud Bond for not only this extensive book but also his very raw openness about his own journey with/experiences of shame as a baseline for his discussions on it.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up because I'm interested in learning more about the topic of shame and how it affects our lives. The only other person I know who writes about this topic is Brene Brown, and I was curious to see how Bond's take on the topic differed from Brown's. Bond approaches the topic with humor and warmth, making it feel like a candid conversation with a friend. However, the fact that he intertwines so much of his personal journey with his own psychological insights is also what makes this book feel more like memoir than self-help. His journey of moving from "I'd rather die than be gay" to reclaiming his worth was compelling. However, the memoir aspect overshadowed practical advice and concrete strategies.

On the plus side, Bond does a great job distinguishing between guilt and shame and explaining how healthy shame differs from toxic shame. I particularly appreciated his exploration of the physiology of shame, noting how it manifests even in infants. Bond's examination of shame's evolutionary roots and how it tricks us into thinking we're inherently flawed was also informative.

However, some of the middle chapters felt repetitive. His personal stories, while relatable, could have been trimmed to make space for more actionable advice. By the time I reached the end, I was left wanting more in terms of practical strategies. The recommendations for "doing the work" of overcoming shame felt underwhelming.

Overall, this is a decent introduction to understanding shame. If you're looking for a memoir-style exploration of the topic or are new to exploring this concept, the book will resonate with you.

[Lindsey Mazur · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super solid read. Some definite overlap with Brene Brown’s work, but an excellent supplement if you’re interested in exploring shame & vulnerability. Equal parts theory & personal anecdotes, which felt like a healthy balance. But damn, did he cover a lot of ground in this book! Fellow chronic people pleasers, this is read for you. But I’d argue this is also a book for anyone that cares to further understand how we’ve evolved to feel shame and why. And if you have any shame in being interested in learning or reading a book about shame, that only further illustrates the point: shame is universal. It protects us, socializes us.. but it loses much of its utility and can become maladaptive in the modern world. Many of us live in a constant state of threat.. and that is shame at work. So by better understanding its hold and its impact on our lives and psyches, we can start to move through the world with a bit more acceptance that shame is merely a temporary emotional response. Cool!

[Roy Van Den Brande · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took a while before it clicked. It's sometimes a bit too theoretical. And it's applied to his live, and his story about being gay. So I thought: I'm not a therapist, and I'm not gay. Is this book for me?

But the further I read, the more I read some insights that really made me think. Like self-improvement as a sign of narcisim. Or how it's weird how we believe in this individualistic society that we control our lives, but a lot of people feel responsible when people feel bad. Those parts really clicked. The causal relation between shame and the feeling.

Growth mindset, non-violent communication, affect theory, looking glass self,... The theoretical foundation is solid. So it's not just a autobiography with a little theory sprinkled upon, it's a semi-heavy read ideal for people-pleasers and outsiders who feel shame for who they are and what they think/feel/do.

[Mary Clark · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book, and I rented it from the library at a time when I really needed it. It’s taken me months to get through it but all along the way I’ve been having difficult conversations in therapy about shame. The ending was a little underwhelming in terms of the Authors recommendations for doing the work with shame, but overall this book is very informative about the history, science, contexts, and impacts of shame. I definitely recommend it to anyone in therapy!

[Dan Werb · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing debut from one of the best thinkers around on the issue of shame. I learned so much from this book, and A.J.'s writing style made it such a fun read. The personal anecdotes powered this enlightening book. Highly recommended.

[Eliza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read as audiobook

[Allanah Freddi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really vulnerable and very interesting.