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Married Sex: A Christian Couple's Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life
A unique, comprehensive guide to sexual intimacy for Christian couples in every season of marriage. A great sex life is something you make, not something you find. If you feel confused or frustrated about your sex life--or simply wonder, Is there more to it than this?-- Married Sex is exactly what you need to make your marriage stronger, in and out of the bedroom. Including the stories of real-life couples, research results from hundreds of comprehensive surveys, and professional perspective from a bestselling spiritual writer and a licensed counselor, Married Sex Psychology, theology, research, story, and let's-get-started ideas combine to make Married Sex a resource for you and your spouse like no other book you've read before. Discover practical, biblically informed answers to your questions about intimacy as you find more satisfaction in your marriage than ever.
272 pages, Hardcover
First published October 5, 2021
241 people are currently reading
534 people want to read
About the author
Gary L. Thomas
61 books644 followersGary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 87 reviews
October 25, 2021
I'm only giving this one star for a very specific reason. It's not because every paragraph in the book is awful, in fact there are some sections that are very good.
I'm giving this book 1 star because Gary Thomas attempts to gaslight in this book, and it's always towards wives When you repeatedly write that sex shouldn't be an obligation or a duty, but then you give the example of how a mother will wake all hours of the night, night after night, week after week, to FEED her NEWBORN even though she might prefer to sleep, and say that should be your attitude toward having sex with your husband?!?!?
No.
A newborn baby's life depends on being fed and held frequently. Contrary to what Gary Thomas wrote, I actually did enjoy feeding my babies in the night (he wrote he never met a mother who enjoyed it). It was the only time I got to be alone with my baby, in the quiet, their eyes open, and no other responsibilities. I treasured those nighttime feeds. But, that point aside, a newborn's life-and-death needs are not a comparison for how often you have sex. You do not get points for stating that duty sex isn't good but then recommend duty sex by pulling at heart strings.
Gary Thomas repeatedly writes that sex is for both and that's wonderful, he tells husbands that their wife's pleasure should be their primary goal. Excellent. Evangelical marriage books have been so lop-sided since forever.
However, he has a section about how enthralled men are with breasts. Fine. But he wrote that a wife can use that to her advantage when the inevitable power differentials in marriage crop up. Seriously??? If your husband is treating you as anything less than equal, use your breasts???
No.
Women have breasts, usually, but women are not breasts. Our thoughts, reasons, opinions, and preferences matter because they matter. Because we are people. If my husband isn't treating me as an equal, my solution is not to lift up my shirt. It's to walk away until we can discuss calmly as equals. It was so degrading to read Gary Thomas's opinions on this. He is a hierarchist, meaning he believes that their must be hierarchy in marriage, with the husband above the wife. My only conclusion is that he thinks women shouldn't mind being inferior because their breasts will help them get their way?
The book has sections written by a women, a licensed therapist, in her thirties. She's not a sex therapist or a sex educator, but she does bring some good balance to the book. Gary Thomas's qualifications are that he's had sex with one person for decades and he's a pastor. The fact that he's a pastor doesn't qualify him to write a book on sex, in my opinion, but being happily married to the same person for decades is a good qualification.
Overall, the book does have some helpful sections but I cannot gloss over the gaslighting. It's insidious.
Oh, and this book quotes an older pop-psychology book that has been thoroughly slammed by peer-reviewed research. The conclusions of the book they cite are not accepted by current research. At best, it is inconclusive. Yet this book quotes it as fact.
There are passages in this book that cannot be described in any other way than erotica. I am not prudish or in any uncomfortable talking about sex. There is a huge difference between talking openly about sex and erotica. The authors had a private Facebook group (they reported it had about 50 couples in it and 64% of the men self-reported themselves as porn users) where they asked questions and solicited personal stories. They included some of these very personal and graphic stories in the book. They were COMPLETELY unnecessary. I felt like I was reading a trashy romance novel every time I came upon one of these passages. I read one aloud to my husband and he cringed. It was simply too much.
In other places, the authors describe a marriage with multiple red flags of abuse. Their remarks? This couple will have trouble with their sex life until the offending spouse manages his anger problems. I am utterly shocked that I need to say this, but if one spouse has major anger management issues, the big concern is not how it will affect their sex life but whether or not the other spouse and any children are SAFE. Emotional and physical safety are far more important than the couple's sex life-- but this doesn't even come up.
My overall recommendation is this-- only read this is you are on high alert for contradictory statements, an attempt to gaslight the reader, and you have the time to follow the loose threads on the questionable research this book cites. If you are highly educated in abuse dynamics, DARVO, and domestic violence myths, you may find this book interesting research for just how dangerous these types of books can be.
If you can take what you like and leave the rest, this could be just fine. However, I know too many people who have hurt by books that were only 20% harmful to give this anything other than 1 star. The authors could have left the harmful passages out and had a decent book.
I read the Kindle version of the book.
I'm giving this book 1 star because Gary Thomas attempts to gaslight in this book, and it's always towards wives When you repeatedly write that sex shouldn't be an obligation or a duty, but then you give the example of how a mother will wake all hours of the night, night after night, week after week, to FEED her NEWBORN even though she might prefer to sleep, and say that should be your attitude toward having sex with your husband?!?!?
No.
A newborn baby's life depends on being fed and held frequently. Contrary to what Gary Thomas wrote, I actually did enjoy feeding my babies in the night (he wrote he never met a mother who enjoyed it). It was the only time I got to be alone with my baby, in the quiet, their eyes open, and no other responsibilities. I treasured those nighttime feeds. But, that point aside, a newborn's life-and-death needs are not a comparison for how often you have sex. You do not get points for stating that duty sex isn't good but then recommend duty sex by pulling at heart strings.
Gary Thomas repeatedly writes that sex is for both and that's wonderful, he tells husbands that their wife's pleasure should be their primary goal. Excellent. Evangelical marriage books have been so lop-sided since forever.
However, he has a section about how enthralled men are with breasts. Fine. But he wrote that a wife can use that to her advantage when the inevitable power differentials in marriage crop up. Seriously??? If your husband is treating you as anything less than equal, use your breasts???
No.
Women have breasts, usually, but women are not breasts. Our thoughts, reasons, opinions, and preferences matter because they matter. Because we are people. If my husband isn't treating me as an equal, my solution is not to lift up my shirt. It's to walk away until we can discuss calmly as equals. It was so degrading to read Gary Thomas's opinions on this. He is a hierarchist, meaning he believes that their must be hierarchy in marriage, with the husband above the wife. My only conclusion is that he thinks women shouldn't mind being inferior because their breasts will help them get their way?
The book has sections written by a women, a licensed therapist, in her thirties. She's not a sex therapist or a sex educator, but she does bring some good balance to the book. Gary Thomas's qualifications are that he's had sex with one person for decades and he's a pastor. The fact that he's a pastor doesn't qualify him to write a book on sex, in my opinion, but being happily married to the same person for decades is a good qualification.
Overall, the book does have some helpful sections but I cannot gloss over the gaslighting. It's insidious.
Oh, and this book quotes an older pop-psychology book that has been thoroughly slammed by peer-reviewed research. The conclusions of the book they cite are not accepted by current research. At best, it is inconclusive. Yet this book quotes it as fact.
There are passages in this book that cannot be described in any other way than erotica. I am not prudish or in any uncomfortable talking about sex. There is a huge difference between talking openly about sex and erotica. The authors had a private Facebook group (they reported it had about 50 couples in it and 64% of the men self-reported themselves as porn users) where they asked questions and solicited personal stories. They included some of these very personal and graphic stories in the book. They were COMPLETELY unnecessary. I felt like I was reading a trashy romance novel every time I came upon one of these passages. I read one aloud to my husband and he cringed. It was simply too much.
In other places, the authors describe a marriage with multiple red flags of abuse. Their remarks? This couple will have trouble with their sex life until the offending spouse manages his anger problems. I am utterly shocked that I need to say this, but if one spouse has major anger management issues, the big concern is not how it will affect their sex life but whether or not the other spouse and any children are SAFE. Emotional and physical safety are far more important than the couple's sex life-- but this doesn't even come up.
My overall recommendation is this-- only read this is you are on high alert for contradictory statements, an attempt to gaslight the reader, and you have the time to follow the loose threads on the questionable research this book cites. If you are highly educated in abuse dynamics, DARVO, and domestic violence myths, you may find this book interesting research for just how dangerous these types of books can be.
If you can take what you like and leave the rest, this could be just fine. However, I know too many people who have hurt by books that were only 20% harmful to give this anything other than 1 star. The authors could have left the harmful passages out and had a decent book.
I read the Kindle version of the book.
October 13, 2021
I normally don’t speak about the work or writing of others. It’s not out of spite nor is it an indictment of the individual when and if I do. But there are times when a rebuttal and rejection to grossly misleading and dangerous speak passed off as “Christian” in the public square is necessary — if not demanded.
Such a book has been published by Gary Thomas, a well-known author and evangelical pastor who’s written numerous books about marriage and relationships, including his book “When to Walk Away” in 2019, which was a beacon of light and encouragement for abuse victims and survivors.
His latest book, “Married Sex,” co-authored by Debra K. Fileta, which is marketed to Christian couples, can only be described as strange, dangerous and stupefying. The book is so saturated with crazed, erroneous, misogynistic and unhealthy advice, until it’s hard to imagine that a woman is the co-author, and that a Christian would write it. The book would have been appropriately titled, “When I Was A Child I Reasoned As A Child.”
The bottom line, it’s a disappointment. To call it a Christian book would insult the Bible — as there is no biblical support for the content of this book nor does the book lend itself to healthy marriages. It’s a disappointment because an abuser or an abuser in training might be emboldened by the utter and complete chauvinistic, misguided nonsense that reads more like a game plan for an intimate partner predator than the mentality or heart of a Christian spouse. Sexual manipulation, exploitation, coercion and gaslighting are common themes throughout the book.
Let’s be really clear…a spouse is not a sex slave or a suppressant drug for a sex addict. A couple can agree and desire to have sex multiple times a day, every day, or once a month. The key is, sex is not a tool, weapon or trick in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships aren’t defined by how much sex they have or how often, healthy relationships are defined by how much love they have and how much Jesus is reverenced (Ephesians 5:21). Sex alone doesn’t keep marriages together — the glue that keeps marriages together is God. Suggesting or claiming that a healthy Christian marriage, or any marriage, is between a sex addicted husband and a sexual servant/slave for a wife is borderline sadistic, and wholly unbiblical.
I’m not saying sex in a marriage isn’t important and I’m not saying that Christian couples are to refrain from having passionate, exciting, fulfilling and satisfying sex lives. What I’m saying is, when sex is portrayed as a drug and a spouse as a fix, that’s not a healthy sexual relationship or a healthy relationship, that’s abuse — drug abuse. It plants the seed that a woman’s purpose is to breed and please like a slave. It encourages barbaric and misogynistic sexual exploits in the home under the guise of being “Christian.” It makes marital rape acceptable since slaves have no rights.
This book is a tragic entry into the Christian Relationship Advice column. It grossly misrepresents biblical love, healthy men, healthy sex and honoring women. This is not an indictment of the authors, it’s a disclaimer for the unsuspecting Christian reader. Read this book with caution and understanding that this is not a Christian Relationship or Sex book, it’s a book written by Christians — that is not good for either healthy relationships or Christians.
Such a book has been published by Gary Thomas, a well-known author and evangelical pastor who’s written numerous books about marriage and relationships, including his book “When to Walk Away” in 2019, which was a beacon of light and encouragement for abuse victims and survivors.
His latest book, “Married Sex,” co-authored by Debra K. Fileta, which is marketed to Christian couples, can only be described as strange, dangerous and stupefying. The book is so saturated with crazed, erroneous, misogynistic and unhealthy advice, until it’s hard to imagine that a woman is the co-author, and that a Christian would write it. The book would have been appropriately titled, “When I Was A Child I Reasoned As A Child.”
The bottom line, it’s a disappointment. To call it a Christian book would insult the Bible — as there is no biblical support for the content of this book nor does the book lend itself to healthy marriages. It’s a disappointment because an abuser or an abuser in training might be emboldened by the utter and complete chauvinistic, misguided nonsense that reads more like a game plan for an intimate partner predator than the mentality or heart of a Christian spouse. Sexual manipulation, exploitation, coercion and gaslighting are common themes throughout the book.
Let’s be really clear…a spouse is not a sex slave or a suppressant drug for a sex addict. A couple can agree and desire to have sex multiple times a day, every day, or once a month. The key is, sex is not a tool, weapon or trick in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships aren’t defined by how much sex they have or how often, healthy relationships are defined by how much love they have and how much Jesus is reverenced (Ephesians 5:21). Sex alone doesn’t keep marriages together — the glue that keeps marriages together is God. Suggesting or claiming that a healthy Christian marriage, or any marriage, is between a sex addicted husband and a sexual servant/slave for a wife is borderline sadistic, and wholly unbiblical.
I’m not saying sex in a marriage isn’t important and I’m not saying that Christian couples are to refrain from having passionate, exciting, fulfilling and satisfying sex lives. What I’m saying is, when sex is portrayed as a drug and a spouse as a fix, that’s not a healthy sexual relationship or a healthy relationship, that’s abuse — drug abuse. It plants the seed that a woman’s purpose is to breed and please like a slave. It encourages barbaric and misogynistic sexual exploits in the home under the guise of being “Christian.” It makes marital rape acceptable since slaves have no rights.
This book is a tragic entry into the Christian Relationship Advice column. It grossly misrepresents biblical love, healthy men, healthy sex and honoring women. This is not an indictment of the authors, it’s a disclaimer for the unsuspecting Christian reader. Read this book with caution and understanding that this is not a Christian Relationship or Sex book, it’s a book written by Christians — that is not good for either healthy relationships or Christians.
June 17, 2023
This book's overarching message is: Wives are obligated to have sex with their husbands--just kidding, no they aren't.
The whiplash is real. Men are primarily visual creatures (ch. 4)--wait, no, they are emotional and spiritual creatures too (214). Women should give their husbands oral sex (214)--or maybe not (224). A power differential in bed is a good thing (140)--but husbands should respect their wives (217).
The book is pornographic. I am all for talking about sex, but this book reads more like a trashy romance novel or pornography on a page. A woman's breasts are "high-octane sexual excitement boosters" (54) that can "reset any power balances" (13). A woman is quoted as saying, "'It’s hard for me to describe the emotional and spiritual feelings that combine when my husband first enters me. When he takes his time and slowly slides in, I feel an emotional and physical bond. And then when he’s all the way in, I sigh out loud as I anticipate what’s yet to come'" (103).
Women are objectified throughout. Wives are encouraged to text nude photos to their husbands (126), and a husband can lust as long as the object of his lust is his wife (181). Probably the most disturbing part of the book is when Gary quotes Dr. Esther Perel: "'You can be all for egalitarianism in the workplace and yet in private let yourself revel in the thrill of losing control and letting someone else take charge. Dr. Perel writes, 'The power differential that would be unacceptable in her emotional relationship with Vito is precisely what excites Elizabeth erotically'" (141).
This book is downright destructive for porn-addicted men. It literally reads as though it is written from the perspective of a porn-addicted mind. While porn addicts are directly addressed, (209), wives of porn addicts are left with the advice to get naked a lot for their husbands to help them not look at porn (125), to be emotionally vulnerable with their porn-addicted husbands (209), and to try to fix things through better communication (210). This advice is downright dangerous and is the exact opposite of the advice that should be given. Abuse is barely mentioned except as past trauma that women (mostly) need to heal from in order to have better sex (ch. 13). Actual abuse is minimized into "anger and rage," "malice," "filthy language," and "lying" (219-221). Wives married to abusive husbands are given the same advice as wives of porn addicts and are shamed for having normal reactions to abuse (201-202).
It isn't all bad. Some helpful sexual techniques can definitely be learned (ch. 3), as well as some good communication tips for couples in healthy marriages (NOT for spouses of porn addicts or abused spouses) (109-113, 155-158). However, the good gets overwhelmingly lost in the whiplash and the pornified objectification of women found throughout the rest of the book.
I do not recommend this book for anyone. For healthy couples, it teaches husbands to objectify their wives and tells wives that this is godly. For porn addicts and abusive men, this book will become a tool to further manipulate and abuse their wives. For wives of porn addicts and abused wives, this book is downright destructive and soul-destroying.
The whiplash is real. Men are primarily visual creatures (ch. 4)--wait, no, they are emotional and spiritual creatures too (214). Women should give their husbands oral sex (214)--or maybe not (224). A power differential in bed is a good thing (140)--but husbands should respect their wives (217).
The book is pornographic. I am all for talking about sex, but this book reads more like a trashy romance novel or pornography on a page. A woman's breasts are "high-octane sexual excitement boosters" (54) that can "reset any power balances" (13). A woman is quoted as saying, "'It’s hard for me to describe the emotional and spiritual feelings that combine when my husband first enters me. When he takes his time and slowly slides in, I feel an emotional and physical bond. And then when he’s all the way in, I sigh out loud as I anticipate what’s yet to come'" (103).
Women are objectified throughout. Wives are encouraged to text nude photos to their husbands (126), and a husband can lust as long as the object of his lust is his wife (181). Probably the most disturbing part of the book is when Gary quotes Dr. Esther Perel: "'You can be all for egalitarianism in the workplace and yet in private let yourself revel in the thrill of losing control and letting someone else take charge. Dr. Perel writes, 'The power differential that would be unacceptable in her emotional relationship with Vito is precisely what excites Elizabeth erotically'" (141).
This book is downright destructive for porn-addicted men. It literally reads as though it is written from the perspective of a porn-addicted mind. While porn addicts are directly addressed, (209), wives of porn addicts are left with the advice to get naked a lot for their husbands to help them not look at porn (125), to be emotionally vulnerable with their porn-addicted husbands (209), and to try to fix things through better communication (210). This advice is downright dangerous and is the exact opposite of the advice that should be given. Abuse is barely mentioned except as past trauma that women (mostly) need to heal from in order to have better sex (ch. 13). Actual abuse is minimized into "anger and rage," "malice," "filthy language," and "lying" (219-221). Wives married to abusive husbands are given the same advice as wives of porn addicts and are shamed for having normal reactions to abuse (201-202).
It isn't all bad. Some helpful sexual techniques can definitely be learned (ch. 3), as well as some good communication tips for couples in healthy marriages (NOT for spouses of porn addicts or abused spouses) (109-113, 155-158). However, the good gets overwhelmingly lost in the whiplash and the pornified objectification of women found throughout the rest of the book.
I do not recommend this book for anyone. For healthy couples, it teaches husbands to objectify their wives and tells wives that this is godly. For porn addicts and abusive men, this book will become a tool to further manipulate and abuse their wives. For wives of porn addicts and abused wives, this book is downright destructive and soul-destroying.
October 15, 2021
This book teaches objectification of the spouse's body--especially the wife's. Frankly, it is gross, and turns my stomach in ways that are hard to communicate with clarity. Think of the visceral sense of disgust healthy people feel when in the presence of suspected rapist. Gary thinks a wife who feels "power imbalances" in the marriage resets those by "flashing" her husband. He thinks the Song of Songs indicates that men are commanded to be enthralled by breasts (without mentioning that the book actually describes mutual enthrallment with all aspects of both lovers), and that "full breasts" are in fact what make women different from apes. Yes, different from apes. He gets up close and personal with what read like his own sexual fantasies, and recommends that wives sleep naked so as to be extra available to their men. He quotes a single debunked scientist to "prove" that men's brains dictate their urges. (Who needs the Holy Spirit when you have a brain scanner and a hack scientist to justify your lust?) Coauthor Deb Fileta indicates that women who feel pain when breastfeeding should set those concerns aside and be available for lovemaking ('cuz men), with no comment that it's okay for breasts to be off limits. For a healthy counterpart to all this teaching, *please* read Sheila Gregoire's "The Great Sex Rescue".
October 12, 2021
DNF—the section that objectified women’s breasts as a way to restore balance of power within the marriage was enough for me to not want to continue reading.
Perhaps I will revisit this book again—but I doubt it will change the rating of this review.
Perhaps I will revisit this book again—but I doubt it will change the rating of this review.
October 18, 2021
Reading this book was disturbing to say the least. While there are certainly some good parts, including an explanation of what intimacy actually is (not just sex) and how there needs to be a focus on working on your character and taking responsibility for yourself.
However, any good that was said was tremendously overshadowed by very dangerous and outright disgusting content.
Here is a brief synopsis of the problems I had with this book.
Problem 1: From the get-go, the author establishes his book as authoritative, straight from God. Right away, this puts the reader in a frame of mind that what they are reading is true. After all, God said it, and I need to do what it says. In reality, just because you add Bible verses to your content, that does not by default make your words absolute truth.
Here are some of the spiritually manipulative phrases that were used:
-”We’re bringing you resources built on the unchanging truth of God’s word”
-”God’s plan for sex”
-”Biblical encouragement”
-”God clearly wants”
-”It’s clear from God’s word”
-”We honor and obey God when” ...insert the author’s personal opinions and experiences.
He uses Song of Songs as his main proof text for all these things that are supposedly “God’s plan for sex,” when in reality the things being pointed out were specific details within that couples unique relationship. Not every couple is obligated to incorporate all the specific details of someone else’s sex life in order to be “honoring and obeying God” with their own. If we followed that logic, we are all miserably failing to honor God with our spouse. I mean, my husband has never told me that my teeth are like a flock of sheep, has yours?
Were the authors intentionally being spiritually and emotionally manipulative when they claim they are speaking on behalf of God and science? I don’t know. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ascribe motives when I can’t see their hearts and minds.
But motivation doesn’t matter. It’s still spiritually manipulative, and this can be especially dangerous for those who already in abusive marriages. Which brings me to the second issue I had with this book.
Problem 2: 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗴𝗲.
Although I imagine the authors would emphatically say otherwise, and though they did give a standard caveat that it’s not intended for those in abusive relationships, this book enables abuse. There are threads of power and control running rampant throughout it. And where the authors have stated in the book that mutual love and servant-hood should characterize a marriage, they have then contradicted those statements by their illustrations or with other statements that imply the opposite.
1. Some of the specific examples I am not comfortable with quoting publicly because of the graphic nature in which they were phrased. But suffice it to say that it was said multiple times in multiple ways that how well a wife satisfies her husband sexually is a key to his heart. This is devastating to women who have been abused by their husbands and were told it was their fault because they haven’t kept him happy.
2. Any time the book speaks to men about helping their wives around the house or doing kind things for their wives it is in the context of helping her get in the mood. For one thing, men shouldn’t be “helping around the house,” they should be carrying their load of responsibility since they live there too. For another thing, doing your share housework is the right thing to do; it’s not a bargaining chip for sex.
3 The book gives several illustrations of women choosing to do things with which they are uncomfortable because “it makes him so happy.” To be fair, there are a couple sentences toward the end of the book where they say that a spouse shouldn’t ask anything of their partner that they know they don’t like; however, nowhere is it expressed to the uncomfortable spouse that 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦. You don’t have to force yourself to do it anyway because “it makes him so happy.” In fact, it is very strongly implied that the uncomfortable spouse should choose not to be selfish. Later in the book, Gary alludes back to one of these illustrations where the spouse was uncomfortable (it was a situation where the husband wanted the wife to text him nude photos) and puts a spiritual guilt trip on the uncomfortable spouse, saying if the couple in Song of Songs had cell phones back then imagine what they would have done! In chapter 15 he again brings up an illustration where he guilt trips women into doing something because “it makes him so happy.” He says “If we know our spouse would like a better sex life and we can provide that, why don’t we just do it? Any attempt to justify not choosing loving actions toward our mate is an argument rooted in selfishness. Love from God’s perspective is always about doing, not feeling.” Then he provides the argument that sex in marriage is the same as feeding a baby in the middle of the night. We don’t do it out of love, or because we feel like it, we do it out of commitment.
4. Chapter 9 addresses sexual abuse in marriage, condemning it of course, but literally directly afterward an illustration is given (in a positive light) where anyone who knows anything about domestic abuse could see the warning signs that the situation might very well be abusive. Then directly after that it gives an illustration of a woman who “is all about egalitarianism in the workplace” but that the power differential displayed in the bedroom is erotic to her. This section is actually quoting from a book called “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. Her beliefs are antithetical to everything Gary Thomas says he believes, yet he is quoting from a section of her book where she is glamorizing a woman being manhandled during sex and eroticizing “power plays and subtle cruelties.” Yet Gary quotes part of this section of her book as if this power differential is a good thing. In what world can you say you condemn abuse and yet encourage power differentials in the bedroom? This is so dangerous!
5. In chapter 11, Debra goes over some of the reasons couples may experience differences in desire. There is another illustration where there’s a red flag of a potentially abusive situation, but it is not addressed and is brushed over as if it’s a normal situation. She talks about porn use damaging a person’s libido, but does not address how it affects the betrayed spouse. At the end of the chapter she says that those with porn and infidelity in the past need to go to counseling instead of just ignoring it. There is language here about each of them needing to see the role they play in rebuilding the chain of trust. (I’m sorry? A betrayed spouse has no “role to play” here!) Chapter 13 also talked about overcoming the past and the need to rebuild trust. There was nothing there about repentance and how to actually rebuild trust. It did not address the injured spouse at all and acknowledge that they are allowed to be traumatized.
6. Chapter 14 deals with emotional and relational issues. Debra says that many sexual problems are relationship problems (and I agree.) She gives a checklist of how to know if your sexual issues are caused by a relationship problem. However, many of the things labeled as “relationship problems” were red flags of abuse. She talks about how when she and her husband do not have spiritual intimacy that sex feels impersonal and she has to work hard and ask the Lord to help her serve her husband. It’s like it’s a given that her husband needs her to serve him rather than addressing the underlying lack of spiritual intimacy between them.
7. In chapter 15, Gary says “Sex without respect teeters on the edge of abuse.” No. Sex without respect IS abusive.
Problem 3: This book is pornographic. Maybe that’s a strong word, but there’s no other way I can put it. Both Gary and Debra use graphic sexual imagery from both their own marriages and that of others. None of what was shared required the language used in order to make the point. The same information could have been relayed with much more generic language. They facilitated a forum of people that they used to collect information for this book, and it really bothered me that they were not only okay with graphic, intimate details being shared in a co-ed setting, but they intentionally set it up and facilitated it.
-
Problem 4: It is demeaning to men. Gary Thomas believes that a man can “be more and do more as a sexually satisfied man”, that “having sex gives him more energy, more zest for life, more engagement in his marriage and parenting, more zeal to serve God, and success in his vocation.”
So in other words, if your husband is a deadbeat dad it’s because you’re not giving him enough sex. If your husband is spiritually weak it’s probably your fault because he’s not sexually satisfied, and if he treats you like trash because he’s stressed at work? You guessed it.
I suppose single men are depressed, are not very zealous for God, and are not very successful in their vocation.
****************************************
The world is full of women who love God and who love their husbands, yet they are not being honored as people made in the image of God. They are looking for the answers to the pain they feel from being degraded all the time. They just want their marriage to be good! They see a book written by a pastor that claims to address the problems they’re experiencing and offers hope for making their marriage better. And what they learn is that they should choose to stop being selfish, and that their man doesn’t have spiritual zeal because he’s not getting his needs met in the bedroom. They feel guilty because they’ve had no desire for their husband due to the awful way he treats her, but now read that they’re just being selfish.
It’s all her fault! He treats her badly because he’s not spiritually strong, but he’s not spiritually strong because he’s not sexually satisfied!
This ought not be so. This type of material must be called out for what it is - otherwise the body count will continue to pile up. I’m not okay with that.
However, any good that was said was tremendously overshadowed by very dangerous and outright disgusting content.
Here is a brief synopsis of the problems I had with this book.
Problem 1: From the get-go, the author establishes his book as authoritative, straight from God. Right away, this puts the reader in a frame of mind that what they are reading is true. After all, God said it, and I need to do what it says. In reality, just because you add Bible verses to your content, that does not by default make your words absolute truth.
Here are some of the spiritually manipulative phrases that were used:
-”We’re bringing you resources built on the unchanging truth of God’s word”
-”God’s plan for sex”
-”Biblical encouragement”
-”God clearly wants”
-”It’s clear from God’s word”
-”We honor and obey God when” ...insert the author’s personal opinions and experiences.
He uses Song of Songs as his main proof text for all these things that are supposedly “God’s plan for sex,” when in reality the things being pointed out were specific details within that couples unique relationship. Not every couple is obligated to incorporate all the specific details of someone else’s sex life in order to be “honoring and obeying God” with their own. If we followed that logic, we are all miserably failing to honor God with our spouse. I mean, my husband has never told me that my teeth are like a flock of sheep, has yours?
Were the authors intentionally being spiritually and emotionally manipulative when they claim they are speaking on behalf of God and science? I don’t know. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ascribe motives when I can’t see their hearts and minds.
But motivation doesn’t matter. It’s still spiritually manipulative, and this can be especially dangerous for those who already in abusive marriages. Which brings me to the second issue I had with this book.
Problem 2: 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗴𝗲.
Although I imagine the authors would emphatically say otherwise, and though they did give a standard caveat that it’s not intended for those in abusive relationships, this book enables abuse. There are threads of power and control running rampant throughout it. And where the authors have stated in the book that mutual love and servant-hood should characterize a marriage, they have then contradicted those statements by their illustrations or with other statements that imply the opposite.
1. Some of the specific examples I am not comfortable with quoting publicly because of the graphic nature in which they were phrased. But suffice it to say that it was said multiple times in multiple ways that how well a wife satisfies her husband sexually is a key to his heart. This is devastating to women who have been abused by their husbands and were told it was their fault because they haven’t kept him happy.
2. Any time the book speaks to men about helping their wives around the house or doing kind things for their wives it is in the context of helping her get in the mood. For one thing, men shouldn’t be “helping around the house,” they should be carrying their load of responsibility since they live there too. For another thing, doing your share housework is the right thing to do; it’s not a bargaining chip for sex.
3 The book gives several illustrations of women choosing to do things with which they are uncomfortable because “it makes him so happy.” To be fair, there are a couple sentences toward the end of the book where they say that a spouse shouldn’t ask anything of their partner that they know they don’t like; however, nowhere is it expressed to the uncomfortable spouse that 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦. You don’t have to force yourself to do it anyway because “it makes him so happy.” In fact, it is very strongly implied that the uncomfortable spouse should choose not to be selfish. Later in the book, Gary alludes back to one of these illustrations where the spouse was uncomfortable (it was a situation where the husband wanted the wife to text him nude photos) and puts a spiritual guilt trip on the uncomfortable spouse, saying if the couple in Song of Songs had cell phones back then imagine what they would have done! In chapter 15 he again brings up an illustration where he guilt trips women into doing something because “it makes him so happy.” He says “If we know our spouse would like a better sex life and we can provide that, why don’t we just do it? Any attempt to justify not choosing loving actions toward our mate is an argument rooted in selfishness. Love from God’s perspective is always about doing, not feeling.” Then he provides the argument that sex in marriage is the same as feeding a baby in the middle of the night. We don’t do it out of love, or because we feel like it, we do it out of commitment.
4. Chapter 9 addresses sexual abuse in marriage, condemning it of course, but literally directly afterward an illustration is given (in a positive light) where anyone who knows anything about domestic abuse could see the warning signs that the situation might very well be abusive. Then directly after that it gives an illustration of a woman who “is all about egalitarianism in the workplace” but that the power differential displayed in the bedroom is erotic to her. This section is actually quoting from a book called “Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel. Her beliefs are antithetical to everything Gary Thomas says he believes, yet he is quoting from a section of her book where she is glamorizing a woman being manhandled during sex and eroticizing “power plays and subtle cruelties.” Yet Gary quotes part of this section of her book as if this power differential is a good thing. In what world can you say you condemn abuse and yet encourage power differentials in the bedroom? This is so dangerous!
5. In chapter 11, Debra goes over some of the reasons couples may experience differences in desire. There is another illustration where there’s a red flag of a potentially abusive situation, but it is not addressed and is brushed over as if it’s a normal situation. She talks about porn use damaging a person’s libido, but does not address how it affects the betrayed spouse. At the end of the chapter she says that those with porn and infidelity in the past need to go to counseling instead of just ignoring it. There is language here about each of them needing to see the role they play in rebuilding the chain of trust. (I’m sorry? A betrayed spouse has no “role to play” here!) Chapter 13 also talked about overcoming the past and the need to rebuild trust. There was nothing there about repentance and how to actually rebuild trust. It did not address the injured spouse at all and acknowledge that they are allowed to be traumatized.
6. Chapter 14 deals with emotional and relational issues. Debra says that many sexual problems are relationship problems (and I agree.) She gives a checklist of how to know if your sexual issues are caused by a relationship problem. However, many of the things labeled as “relationship problems” were red flags of abuse. She talks about how when she and her husband do not have spiritual intimacy that sex feels impersonal and she has to work hard and ask the Lord to help her serve her husband. It’s like it’s a given that her husband needs her to serve him rather than addressing the underlying lack of spiritual intimacy between them.
7. In chapter 15, Gary says “Sex without respect teeters on the edge of abuse.” No. Sex without respect IS abusive.
Problem 3: This book is pornographic. Maybe that’s a strong word, but there’s no other way I can put it. Both Gary and Debra use graphic sexual imagery from both their own marriages and that of others. None of what was shared required the language used in order to make the point. The same information could have been relayed with much more generic language. They facilitated a forum of people that they used to collect information for this book, and it really bothered me that they were not only okay with graphic, intimate details being shared in a co-ed setting, but they intentionally set it up and facilitated it.
-
Problem 4: It is demeaning to men. Gary Thomas believes that a man can “be more and do more as a sexually satisfied man”, that “having sex gives him more energy, more zest for life, more engagement in his marriage and parenting, more zeal to serve God, and success in his vocation.”
So in other words, if your husband is a deadbeat dad it’s because you’re not giving him enough sex. If your husband is spiritually weak it’s probably your fault because he’s not sexually satisfied, and if he treats you like trash because he’s stressed at work? You guessed it.
I suppose single men are depressed, are not very zealous for God, and are not very successful in their vocation.
****************************************
The world is full of women who love God and who love their husbands, yet they are not being honored as people made in the image of God. They are looking for the answers to the pain they feel from being degraded all the time. They just want their marriage to be good! They see a book written by a pastor that claims to address the problems they’re experiencing and offers hope for making their marriage better. And what they learn is that they should choose to stop being selfish, and that their man doesn’t have spiritual zeal because he’s not getting his needs met in the bedroom. They feel guilty because they’ve had no desire for their husband due to the awful way he treats her, but now read that they’re just being selfish.
It’s all her fault! He treats her badly because he’s not spiritually strong, but he’s not spiritually strong because he’s not sexually satisfied!
This ought not be so. This type of material must be called out for what it is - otherwise the body count will continue to pile up. I’m not okay with that.
October 16, 2021
This book has some good and some really bad teaching in it. The bad parts are so bad though that they outweigh any good ones.
Flashing your husband can "reset power imbalances" apparently. They not only teach an obligation sex message, but suggest sending your husband nude pictures helps him not to cheat or fantasize as well as phone sex when he is on a business trip. The anecdotes are quite graphic and feel more like erotica most of the time.
Abuse is not addressed in this book, nor is marital rape or consent.
I do not recommend this, as it might make husbands feel justified in their objectification of women and make people who struggle with lust stumble due to its graphic nature. The good sex tips can be found in other, less harmful books as well.
Flashing your husband can "reset power imbalances" apparently. They not only teach an obligation sex message, but suggest sending your husband nude pictures helps him not to cheat or fantasize as well as phone sex when he is on a business trip. The anecdotes are quite graphic and feel more like erotica most of the time.
Abuse is not addressed in this book, nor is marital rape or consent.
I do not recommend this, as it might make husbands feel justified in their objectification of women and make people who struggle with lust stumble due to its graphic nature. The good sex tips can be found in other, less harmful books as well.
May 10, 2023
I didn’t care for the book. Honestly instead of drawing women into contemplating a better sex life there are strange parts in the book that will turn some women away. Brazilian waxes, crotchless panties and sleeping nude won’t be for everyone—-these aren’t essential parts of a good sex life. The woman “Jocelyn” that was interviewed was insufferable.
Similar to many Christian marriage books written by celebrity pastors there are parts that make one wonder how well they really understand women——or understand all women are not the same.
If the book didn’t include some of the author’s misunderstandings about women I would give it more stars.
Also many of the positive reviews say people are taking parts of the book out of context when a negative review is given. Yet they won't say what specific parts are being taken out of context--or have a discussion about why those parts are problematic.
Similar to many Christian marriage books written by celebrity pastors there are parts that make one wonder how well they really understand women——or understand all women are not the same.
If the book didn’t include some of the author’s misunderstandings about women I would give it more stars.
Also many of the positive reviews say people are taking parts of the book out of context when a negative review is given. Yet they won't say what specific parts are being taken out of context--or have a discussion about why those parts are problematic.
October 22, 2021
Stay far, far away from this drivel.
November 1, 2021
This book is disgusting. Gary makes me so uncomfortable and no, flashing my boobs at my husband while we’re having an argument is not a good solution. How very immature!
November 1, 2021
This book will be power in the wrong hands for men who focus on power and control in their marriages. I’m a Christian Psychologist, and I’m abhorred that Gary Thomas would suggest women say “no” to their husbands “as foreplay.” What?!? Advocating this mentality takes away the voice of women and relegates them to existing solely for the pleasure of their husbands. I do not recommend this book at all, in fact, I recommend that it is boycotted by the Christian community. It is dangerous and I cannot believe a “Christian” man would write such a book. This book will be used by narcissistic and controlling men to further control and abuse their wives. Jesus valued women and saw them as human beings and treated them as such. Do NOT buy this book!!
November 1, 2021
This book is packed full of UNBIBLICAL and unsound advice. Downright misleading and dangerous. I do not recommend it.
November 2, 2021
This book will be used as a tool for abusive husbands. There is a misogynist lack of respect and selfless love indicated from the husband to the wife. I would not recommend this to wives at all. I pray wives are treated better by their husbands than what is written about in this book, especially those claiming to be Christians.
June 11, 2022
Gary Thomas reminds me of my elderly father who will occasionally say random, really offensive and condescending things about women- and we have to explain that it’s 2022 now and it’s really just not ok to think/talk about women like that anymore.
Despite literally thousands of women who have tried to help this author out by saying “Listen, Gary, you’ve got this all wrong”, Gary will not listen. No. Gary is here to mansplain women’s s*xuality to them despite practically everything he says being contradicted by science, Scripture, and basic common sense.
To get a better idea of the mindset of this book, it’s important to note as several other reviews already have, that this was written in response to another book- The Great S*x Rescue. In that book the author makes a lot of bold statements that obviously scared the bejeezus out of all the old “expert theologian” guys. Statements such as “Marital r*pe is a crime and should be reported to the police”, “Husbands should prioritize their wives’ pleasure”, “duty-s*x kills intimacy”, and “Men should not selfishly treat their wives like s*xual objects”. …….I know, I know, these statements seem like they should be so obvious that they shouldn’t even have to be stated, but the disturbing part is that “Christian” marriage books have quite literally been saying the complete opposite for decades now.
And Gary Thomas was SO upset that women were suddenly being given positive, empowering, and yes, SCRIPTURAL messages about s*x, that he wrote an entire book (this one) in an effort to put a stop to it and drag us back to the same tired old trope in which men are portrayed as selfish and demanding toddlers incapable of self-control, and women shouldn’t ever expect even the bare minimum of her marital needs ever being met. He even recommends using the kryponite-like power of b00bies to reset the “power struggle” between spouses. News flash, Gary. If you view marriage as one long, epic “power struggle” you’re doing it wrong. And also, Gary, in case you haven’t realized it by now, that was one of the cringiest things written in 2021 so congrats on that, I guess.
Books like this have done so much damage to marriages everywhere and it’s time for it to stop.
Pick up your Bible and read about Jesus. Read about his tremendous compassion towards women and the love and safety he offers to them, and then contrast that with the harsh and selfish “you’re my wife so you have to have s*x with me whenever I want even if it hurts you” attitude of these “Christian” books.
Do better.
Despite literally thousands of women who have tried to help this author out by saying “Listen, Gary, you’ve got this all wrong”, Gary will not listen. No. Gary is here to mansplain women’s s*xuality to them despite practically everything he says being contradicted by science, Scripture, and basic common sense.
To get a better idea of the mindset of this book, it’s important to note as several other reviews already have, that this was written in response to another book- The Great S*x Rescue. In that book the author makes a lot of bold statements that obviously scared the bejeezus out of all the old “expert theologian” guys. Statements such as “Marital r*pe is a crime and should be reported to the police”, “Husbands should prioritize their wives’ pleasure”, “duty-s*x kills intimacy”, and “Men should not selfishly treat their wives like s*xual objects”. …….I know, I know, these statements seem like they should be so obvious that they shouldn’t even have to be stated, but the disturbing part is that “Christian” marriage books have quite literally been saying the complete opposite for decades now.
And Gary Thomas was SO upset that women were suddenly being given positive, empowering, and yes, SCRIPTURAL messages about s*x, that he wrote an entire book (this one) in an effort to put a stop to it and drag us back to the same tired old trope in which men are portrayed as selfish and demanding toddlers incapable of self-control, and women shouldn’t ever expect even the bare minimum of her marital needs ever being met. He even recommends using the kryponite-like power of b00bies to reset the “power struggle” between spouses. News flash, Gary. If you view marriage as one long, epic “power struggle” you’re doing it wrong. And also, Gary, in case you haven’t realized it by now, that was one of the cringiest things written in 2021 so congrats on that, I guess.
Books like this have done so much damage to marriages everywhere and it’s time for it to stop.
Pick up your Bible and read about Jesus. Read about his tremendous compassion towards women and the love and safety he offers to them, and then contrast that with the harsh and selfish “you’re my wife so you have to have s*x with me whenever I want even if it hurts you” attitude of these “Christian” books.
Do better.
November 16, 2021
HARMFUL AND DISTURBING
If I could, I would give it ZERO stars. I’m not even sure where to begin. The author uses junk science and confusing stories to try to get his point across. This book could be dangerous to women living in an abusive relationships. Honestly, I’m surprised it was even published (and in domestic violence awareness month!).
If I could, I would give it ZERO stars. I’m not even sure where to begin. The author uses junk science and confusing stories to try to get his point across. This book could be dangerous to women living in an abusive relationships. Honestly, I’m surprised it was even published (and in domestic violence awareness month!).
March 24, 2023
I was disturbed by the theology of Married Sex. Gary Thomas has a master’s degree in systematic theology--he is not a sex expert by education or experience (he churns out a new book every few years on a wide range of topics), but he does have a background in theology. Debra Fileta is a licensed counselor, but publishers know a book written solely by a female would not be as profitable in the conservative Christian world. Publishers figured they'd have a real money-maker on their hands by pairing a celebrity pastor with a licensed counselor. Gary Thomas was brought on board for his well-known name, male “authority,” and “spiritual” contributions, but in his new book, he (ab)uses his spiritual authority to make bold claims about male and female sexuality based on his own opinions and life experiences, instead of the Bible.
First chapters of books are important. They establish the tone and foundation on which the rest of the book is built. Chapter One, titled “The Song of all Songs,” opens with information about Jocelyn and Danny’s sex life together. Gary Thomas establishes “Jocelyn” as his everywoman to explain female sexuality to his readers. (In fact, Thomas may quote Jocelyn on sex more frequently than he quotes the Bible throughout his book.) Unlike boys, Jocelyn never talked about or looked forward to sex as a teenager. When she realized she liked married sex, she got herself kicked out of a bible study for sharing, because apparently all the other women derived more pleasure from verbally bashing their husbands. Personally, I’ve never been in a bible study like that, and the way Thomas uses this very long anecdote to caricature woman as frigid prudes is deeply problematic. Don’t worry, the author eventually gets to the Bible. He interprets Proverbs 5:18-19: “[Her breasts] give an influence over their husbands that can reset any power balances that occur because of other issues. Many young women have learned how one quick flash of their breasts can change the climate in the room like nothing else ever will. This ability to enthrall is a distinctly human characteristic, by the way. A woman’s breast are unique among primates…No animals share this trait” (13). Since problematic issues of power dynamics and objectification of female bodies has been covered by many other reviewers, let’s move on. The opening line of Song of Songs, initiated by a woman declaring her desire to be kissed by her man, is twisted by the author to ultimately be about the man’s desire, because the author believes women aren’t designed to initiate (61). I felt like his constant emphasis throughout the book that God “designed [the woman] to be desired by [her] husband” (227) without also emphasizing the converse diminishes the agency and passion of the woman introduced in the opening line of the Song. He consistently uses a paternalistic tone to rescue women from their frigidity. Also concerningly, as his main thesis, the author asserts that married sex is the Song of Songs, on the same level of the biblical language of King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and Holy of Holies: “So when describing the sexual relationship between a man and a woman as the ‘song of songs,’ the Bible doesn’t call this physical union merely the most powerful human experience, the most pleasurable human experience, or the most celebrated human experience–it’s called the experience beyond all others” (4). I find this interpretation of the Song of Songs to be deeply problematic, for only a minority of God’s people—happily married straight couples in their prime with no debilitating physical or mental health issues—are able to participate in this Song. Not to mention, no one will be given in marriage in eternity. Certainly, the poem can and should be read as an erotic song between a husband and wife, for poetry allows for more than one meaning, but I would argue that the correct interpretation of the ultimate “Song of Songs” is the historical understanding of the relationship between Christ and his Bride, the church, a song in which all of God’s children get to participate. Aimee Byrd writes “We cannot begin to know the richest way to love our spouse if we do not have our desires properly oriented to our Great Lover, Jesus Christ. Is this not imperative for both singles and marrieds?…The Song does not teach us how to perfect our marriages or single life. It teaches us how to perfect our love for Christ in a knowledge of his love for us” (Sexual Reformation 30). To elevate married sex to the level of the “Song of Songs” feels idolatrous. Like I said, first chapters of books are important. In the opening chapter of Married Sex, the author paints women as frigid prudes, objectifies women’s bodies, and elevates married sex to an idolatrous level.
Throughout the rest of the book, Gary Thomas frequently invokes biblical design language without backing up his claims with Scripture. I cannot over-emphasize Thomas’ reliance on anecdotes, opinions, and pseudo-science instead of Scripture in this book. One of the worst examples in this book might be on page 55: “The very act of sex speaks of profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiating that requires receiving, control met with surrender. The complementary acts of sex reflect the divine truth of two becoming one.” So, according to the author, “divine truth” is that manliness equals forcefulness, initiation, and control. Womanliness is gentle, receptive, and surrendering. (Which, by the way, would also equal a very boring sex life for many.) Nowhere in the book does Thomas use Scripture to support his powerful assertion, and someone needs to correct the Shulamite woman in Song of Songs for her unbiblical sexual initiation: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth…Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:2,4).
Another concerning use of biblical authority without Scriptural backing is found in Chapter 4 – What Gets Him Going: “So by God’s design, the husband’s generally stronger desire (we know there are exceptions) moves him to be sexually intimate with his wife, which requires him to be relationally and even spiritually intimate, so that the couple’s passion is renewed, strengthened, and focused and the husband’s view of his wife’s beauty above all others is confirmed and even enhanced” (63). The author does not cite a single verse of Scripture to support his belief that men are “designed” to have stronger sexual desire than women, yet this ideology manifests itself repeatedly throughout the book. Even though the author recognizes women are designed to enjoy sex, he always assumes men need sex in a way that women do not. Though more women may tend to be aroused emotionally and by “indirect” touch rather than visually and by “direct” touch, most women do desire sexually satisfying experiences.
Gary Thomas seems to recognize that both partners can have unmet desire, but it is only the husband who is hurt when his sexual desires are unmet by his wife: “We realize that many wives have a higher libido than their husbands, but to those of you who are married to men with a higher libido, the quantity of sexual activity has the potential to create either long-term gratitude or slow-simmering resentment” (61). He continues that for men, “sex feels like a need” (63), and “what I want for every wife to understand is how vulnerable your husband feels when he approaches you for sex” (66). The problem with Married Sex is there seems to be no recognition of female sexual desire or a clarification of how vulnerable the act of sex is for her too. According to the author, a woman feels most vulnerable when she asks, “Do I look fat in this dress?” (66), not when she offers her desire and whole person to her husband sexually. Really? A woman’s value is rooted in her looks, specifically her thinness? I found this caricatured low view of female desire and vulnerability to be particularly disturbing.
Also, notice again the weird, twisted emphasis on the man, because in the following “Her” chapter, no Scripture is quoted and biblical design language isn’t even present. Debra Fileta offers very practical (and sometimes male-centric) suggestions for arousing the female: “Her pleasure impacts your pleasure. Wives who always or almost always have an orgasm are naturally going to be more interested in sex more often. It’s just human nature” (81). I understand that Gary’s the “theologian” and Debra’s the “clinical professional,” but what message is this sending about God’s design for sex when what gets him going is biblical but what gets her going is clinical? I suppose it means woman’s desire (or lack thereof) is a problem to be solved, whereas the man’s desire is God’s “brilliant” design (61).
Gary Thomas goes on for countless paragraphs about how desirable men find the female form. Then in Chapter 10, he quotes Song of Songs 5:10-16, when the woman praises the man’s body, but he oddly admonishes wives, “Imagine the best, most delicious parts of sex, not the ‘duty’ parts of sex” (146). How on earth did Thomas extrapolate “duty” from this celebratory Biblical text? What happened to Thomas’ sermon in Chapter 1 about being drunk with love–that sex was meant to be the most pleasurable experience on earth for a woman? When the Shulamite sings of her lover, “He is altogether desirable” (SS 5:16 ESV), Gary Thomas somehow twists the woman’s desire into duty. He misinterprets Scripture to prime the reader for his forthcoming sermon on obligation sex. In a biblical-sounding section titled “Sexual Compassion”, the author advises that women should have sex with their husbands just like we should all exercise and eat our vegetables (227-8). So much for sex being like wine. He even disturbingly implies that women should meet their husband’s sexual needs in the same way they would get up and feed a crying baby in the middle of the night, not because they feel like it, but because “it’s the right thing to do…do it out of love…do it out of commitment” (227). This atrocious analogy manipulates women, infantilizes men, and validates addictive/predatory behavior by elevating a man’s sexual needs to the same level as a hungry infant. This sort of manipulative pressure for women to have obligatory sex with their husbands in Christian resources is borderline abusive and a tragic misreading of Song of Songs.
In summary, the author makes several strong statements about “God’s design” with very little use of Scripture to back up his claims, and though he emphasizes female pleasure, it feels like it is ultimately always about the man’s pleasure. This is a tragic! God intends for men and women mutually to give and to receive and to sexually delight in each other physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally in a way that is grossly under-emphasized in Married Sex.
A Healthier View of Sex, Rooted in Scripture:
I will reference the ESV Knowing the Bible – Song of Solomon study by Jay Harvey to try to correct the many imbalances found in Married Sex:
1. The female singer initiates sex. The poem opens with her desire:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth…
Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.
Song of Songs 1:2-4
The Song commences with the woman’s voice. Jay Harvey observes, “The voice of the woman is given the place of greatest prominence… Song of Solomon begins with strong statements of the women’s desire for her…. spouse. The woman expresses her longing for the physical affection of her beloved” (13). The Bible gives “full place to a woman’s physical expression of her physical desires for her beloved. Although there are aspects of traditional cultures (both Western and non-Western) that downplay or diminish the appropriateness of female sexual desire, the Song of Solomon stands against such biases…. It is important that we do not downplay the goodness of sex as created by God nor adopt stereotypes of one kind or another regarding the sexual desire of men and women” (16-17). The woman’s voice begins the Song, and her sexual desire remains prominent throughout the Song. In the New Testament, the often abused 1 Corinthians 7 passage is as much about the wife’s sexual longing as the husband’s. Harvey writes, “Like the Song of Solomon, the apostle Paul also affirms the goodness of female sexual desire when he says that “the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (7:3)”(16). The Bible celebrates female desire!
2. The bible acknowledges both male and female sexual frustration:
I opened for my beloved,
but my beloved had left; he was gone.
My heart sank at his departure.
Song of Songs 5:6
Song of Songs chapter 5:2-8 acknowledges desire and frequency discrepancies in marriage. In this dream sequence, Harvey explains, “When the man desires intimacy, the woman cannot be bothered. When she is finally captivated, she rises to find him gone” (52). According to Scripture, both the husband and the wife experience unmet sexual desire, and it is a nightmare. Song of Songs does not ignore or diminish the painfulness of sexual rejection, nor does it teach that unmet sexual desire is a phenomenon exclusive to men. Harvey adds, “Marriage does not afford couples an uninterrupted stream of physical intimacy. Married couples live together as fallen people in a fallen world. Desires do not always align perfectly, and circumstances do not always provide opportunities for intimacy when desires are present. In Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit works the fruit of patience in us. For married couples, this will include patience when one’s own desires are not matched by the spouse’s or the right opportunity. It is also of note that the man does not force himself on his bride. Sexual union in marriage should be entered into with the joyful consent of both spouses” (52). In her nightmare, the female symbolically experiences traumatic exposure of her nakedness because she, like all people, longs to be fully seen, fully known, and fully loved; her need is not fully met by her spouse and leaves her vulnerable. Thanks be to God that he sees us fully and knows the longings of our hearts. Through God’s sacrificial love, men and women are clothed in righteousness.
3. The woman loves the man’s body:
“His member [male part] is like an ivory tusk ornamented with sapphires.”
SS 5:14 EXB
We’ve built our culture around the male gaze, and christians are often the first to declare women are not sexual. I highly encourage reading the whole passage, but I think it’s worth pointing that the wife praises her husband’s body with a root word that may be more specific than most of the popular versions imply. This does not mean we should begin objectifying male bodies as we do female bodies, but we can recognize the husband’s body arouses the wife too.
4. The husband loves not just her body, but the strength, complexity, and depth of his wife’s character.
You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me.
Song of Songs 6:4-5
When the man compares the woman to Jerusalem and spends the next five verses describing her face alone (SS 6:4-9), he’s celebrating the strength, complexity, and depth of the woman’s character. (Harvey 14, 56).
One last thought – much has already been said about Gary Thomas’ use of Proverbs 5:18-19. For anyone that needs to hear this, even if the root word means “nipple,” Proverbs and Song of Songs are books of poetic wisdom literature. Poetry beautifully works within the confines of human language to deeply express abstract ideas and emotions. So, on one hand, yes, it literally means, “husband, enjoy your wife’s nipples,” but “nipple” is also a symbolic representation of the female form. So if you’re not a boob man, or you’re a woman with no boobs, no worries, Proverbs 5 still beautifully calls for the man to delight in the charms of his woman.
The irony is not lost on me that the ESV Bible Study on Song of Solomon portrays male and female sexuality more wholistically than Gary Thomas’ and Debra Fileta’s new book Married Sex. It’s an indictment of Zondervan rather than praise for Crossway. To be clear, I believe Gary Thomas is a brother in Christ. I believe his books have helped thousands of people grow closer to Christ and one another. I believe his new book Married Sex co-authored with Debra Fileta will help some couples grow closer to one another and I rejoice with those couples who have benefited from Married Sex. But I also know that this book already has and will hurt many because of its small view of male and female sexuality. The “Song of Songs” is one of my favorite books of the Bible, and I was so disappointed with Gary Thomas’ (lack of) interpretation. He uses “biblical” language throughout his book, but he does not offer a strong exegesis of Song of Songs even though he titles the first chapter of his book after it. The book Married Sex contains twisted half-truths and subtle misogynistic beliefs based mostly on personal experiences and gender tropes that are dangerously embellished with biblical language without actual biblical references.
First chapters of books are important. They establish the tone and foundation on which the rest of the book is built. Chapter One, titled “The Song of all Songs,” opens with information about Jocelyn and Danny’s sex life together. Gary Thomas establishes “Jocelyn” as his everywoman to explain female sexuality to his readers. (In fact, Thomas may quote Jocelyn on sex more frequently than he quotes the Bible throughout his book.) Unlike boys, Jocelyn never talked about or looked forward to sex as a teenager. When she realized she liked married sex, she got herself kicked out of a bible study for sharing, because apparently all the other women derived more pleasure from verbally bashing their husbands. Personally, I’ve never been in a bible study like that, and the way Thomas uses this very long anecdote to caricature woman as frigid prudes is deeply problematic. Don’t worry, the author eventually gets to the Bible. He interprets Proverbs 5:18-19: “[Her breasts] give an influence over their husbands that can reset any power balances that occur because of other issues. Many young women have learned how one quick flash of their breasts can change the climate in the room like nothing else ever will. This ability to enthrall is a distinctly human characteristic, by the way. A woman’s breast are unique among primates…No animals share this trait” (13). Since problematic issues of power dynamics and objectification of female bodies has been covered by many other reviewers, let’s move on. The opening line of Song of Songs, initiated by a woman declaring her desire to be kissed by her man, is twisted by the author to ultimately be about the man’s desire, because the author believes women aren’t designed to initiate (61). I felt like his constant emphasis throughout the book that God “designed [the woman] to be desired by [her] husband” (227) without also emphasizing the converse diminishes the agency and passion of the woman introduced in the opening line of the Song. He consistently uses a paternalistic tone to rescue women from their frigidity. Also concerningly, as his main thesis, the author asserts that married sex is the Song of Songs, on the same level of the biblical language of King of Kings, Lord of Lords, and Holy of Holies: “So when describing the sexual relationship between a man and a woman as the ‘song of songs,’ the Bible doesn’t call this physical union merely the most powerful human experience, the most pleasurable human experience, or the most celebrated human experience–it’s called the experience beyond all others” (4). I find this interpretation of the Song of Songs to be deeply problematic, for only a minority of God’s people—happily married straight couples in their prime with no debilitating physical or mental health issues—are able to participate in this Song. Not to mention, no one will be given in marriage in eternity. Certainly, the poem can and should be read as an erotic song between a husband and wife, for poetry allows for more than one meaning, but I would argue that the correct interpretation of the ultimate “Song of Songs” is the historical understanding of the relationship between Christ and his Bride, the church, a song in which all of God’s children get to participate. Aimee Byrd writes “We cannot begin to know the richest way to love our spouse if we do not have our desires properly oriented to our Great Lover, Jesus Christ. Is this not imperative for both singles and marrieds?…The Song does not teach us how to perfect our marriages or single life. It teaches us how to perfect our love for Christ in a knowledge of his love for us” (Sexual Reformation 30). To elevate married sex to the level of the “Song of Songs” feels idolatrous. Like I said, first chapters of books are important. In the opening chapter of Married Sex, the author paints women as frigid prudes, objectifies women’s bodies, and elevates married sex to an idolatrous level.
Throughout the rest of the book, Gary Thomas frequently invokes biblical design language without backing up his claims with Scripture. I cannot over-emphasize Thomas’ reliance on anecdotes, opinions, and pseudo-science instead of Scripture in this book. One of the worst examples in this book might be on page 55: “The very act of sex speaks of profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiating that requires receiving, control met with surrender. The complementary acts of sex reflect the divine truth of two becoming one.” So, according to the author, “divine truth” is that manliness equals forcefulness, initiation, and control. Womanliness is gentle, receptive, and surrendering. (Which, by the way, would also equal a very boring sex life for many.) Nowhere in the book does Thomas use Scripture to support his powerful assertion, and someone needs to correct the Shulamite woman in Song of Songs for her unbiblical sexual initiation: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth…Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:2,4).
Another concerning use of biblical authority without Scriptural backing is found in Chapter 4 – What Gets Him Going: “So by God’s design, the husband’s generally stronger desire (we know there are exceptions) moves him to be sexually intimate with his wife, which requires him to be relationally and even spiritually intimate, so that the couple’s passion is renewed, strengthened, and focused and the husband’s view of his wife’s beauty above all others is confirmed and even enhanced” (63). The author does not cite a single verse of Scripture to support his belief that men are “designed” to have stronger sexual desire than women, yet this ideology manifests itself repeatedly throughout the book. Even though the author recognizes women are designed to enjoy sex, he always assumes men need sex in a way that women do not. Though more women may tend to be aroused emotionally and by “indirect” touch rather than visually and by “direct” touch, most women do desire sexually satisfying experiences.
Gary Thomas seems to recognize that both partners can have unmet desire, but it is only the husband who is hurt when his sexual desires are unmet by his wife: “We realize that many wives have a higher libido than their husbands, but to those of you who are married to men with a higher libido, the quantity of sexual activity has the potential to create either long-term gratitude or slow-simmering resentment” (61). He continues that for men, “sex feels like a need” (63), and “what I want for every wife to understand is how vulnerable your husband feels when he approaches you for sex” (66). The problem with Married Sex is there seems to be no recognition of female sexual desire or a clarification of how vulnerable the act of sex is for her too. According to the author, a woman feels most vulnerable when she asks, “Do I look fat in this dress?” (66), not when she offers her desire and whole person to her husband sexually. Really? A woman’s value is rooted in her looks, specifically her thinness? I found this caricatured low view of female desire and vulnerability to be particularly disturbing.
Also, notice again the weird, twisted emphasis on the man, because in the following “Her” chapter, no Scripture is quoted and biblical design language isn’t even present. Debra Fileta offers very practical (and sometimes male-centric) suggestions for arousing the female: “Her pleasure impacts your pleasure. Wives who always or almost always have an orgasm are naturally going to be more interested in sex more often. It’s just human nature” (81). I understand that Gary’s the “theologian” and Debra’s the “clinical professional,” but what message is this sending about God’s design for sex when what gets him going is biblical but what gets her going is clinical? I suppose it means woman’s desire (or lack thereof) is a problem to be solved, whereas the man’s desire is God’s “brilliant” design (61).
Gary Thomas goes on for countless paragraphs about how desirable men find the female form. Then in Chapter 10, he quotes Song of Songs 5:10-16, when the woman praises the man’s body, but he oddly admonishes wives, “Imagine the best, most delicious parts of sex, not the ‘duty’ parts of sex” (146). How on earth did Thomas extrapolate “duty” from this celebratory Biblical text? What happened to Thomas’ sermon in Chapter 1 about being drunk with love–that sex was meant to be the most pleasurable experience on earth for a woman? When the Shulamite sings of her lover, “He is altogether desirable” (SS 5:16 ESV), Gary Thomas somehow twists the woman’s desire into duty. He misinterprets Scripture to prime the reader for his forthcoming sermon on obligation sex. In a biblical-sounding section titled “Sexual Compassion”, the author advises that women should have sex with their husbands just like we should all exercise and eat our vegetables (227-8). So much for sex being like wine. He even disturbingly implies that women should meet their husband’s sexual needs in the same way they would get up and feed a crying baby in the middle of the night, not because they feel like it, but because “it’s the right thing to do…do it out of love…do it out of commitment” (227). This atrocious analogy manipulates women, infantilizes men, and validates addictive/predatory behavior by elevating a man’s sexual needs to the same level as a hungry infant. This sort of manipulative pressure for women to have obligatory sex with their husbands in Christian resources is borderline abusive and a tragic misreading of Song of Songs.
In summary, the author makes several strong statements about “God’s design” with very little use of Scripture to back up his claims, and though he emphasizes female pleasure, it feels like it is ultimately always about the man’s pleasure. This is a tragic! God intends for men and women mutually to give and to receive and to sexually delight in each other physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally in a way that is grossly under-emphasized in Married Sex.
A Healthier View of Sex, Rooted in Scripture:
I will reference the ESV Knowing the Bible – Song of Solomon study by Jay Harvey to try to correct the many imbalances found in Married Sex:
1. The female singer initiates sex. The poem opens with her desire:
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth…
Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.
Song of Songs 1:2-4
The Song commences with the woman’s voice. Jay Harvey observes, “The voice of the woman is given the place of greatest prominence… Song of Solomon begins with strong statements of the women’s desire for her…. spouse. The woman expresses her longing for the physical affection of her beloved” (13). The Bible gives “full place to a woman’s physical expression of her physical desires for her beloved. Although there are aspects of traditional cultures (both Western and non-Western) that downplay or diminish the appropriateness of female sexual desire, the Song of Solomon stands against such biases…. It is important that we do not downplay the goodness of sex as created by God nor adopt stereotypes of one kind or another regarding the sexual desire of men and women” (16-17). The woman’s voice begins the Song, and her sexual desire remains prominent throughout the Song. In the New Testament, the often abused 1 Corinthians 7 passage is as much about the wife’s sexual longing as the husband’s. Harvey writes, “Like the Song of Solomon, the apostle Paul also affirms the goodness of female sexual desire when he says that “the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (7:3)”(16). The Bible celebrates female desire!
2. The bible acknowledges both male and female sexual frustration:
I opened for my beloved,
but my beloved had left; he was gone.
My heart sank at his departure.
Song of Songs 5:6
Song of Songs chapter 5:2-8 acknowledges desire and frequency discrepancies in marriage. In this dream sequence, Harvey explains, “When the man desires intimacy, the woman cannot be bothered. When she is finally captivated, she rises to find him gone” (52). According to Scripture, both the husband and the wife experience unmet sexual desire, and it is a nightmare. Song of Songs does not ignore or diminish the painfulness of sexual rejection, nor does it teach that unmet sexual desire is a phenomenon exclusive to men. Harvey adds, “Marriage does not afford couples an uninterrupted stream of physical intimacy. Married couples live together as fallen people in a fallen world. Desires do not always align perfectly, and circumstances do not always provide opportunities for intimacy when desires are present. In Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit works the fruit of patience in us. For married couples, this will include patience when one’s own desires are not matched by the spouse’s or the right opportunity. It is also of note that the man does not force himself on his bride. Sexual union in marriage should be entered into with the joyful consent of both spouses” (52). In her nightmare, the female symbolically experiences traumatic exposure of her nakedness because she, like all people, longs to be fully seen, fully known, and fully loved; her need is not fully met by her spouse and leaves her vulnerable. Thanks be to God that he sees us fully and knows the longings of our hearts. Through God’s sacrificial love, men and women are clothed in righteousness.
3. The woman loves the man’s body:
“His member [male part] is like an ivory tusk ornamented with sapphires.”
SS 5:14 EXB
We’ve built our culture around the male gaze, and christians are often the first to declare women are not sexual. I highly encourage reading the whole passage, but I think it’s worth pointing that the wife praises her husband’s body with a root word that may be more specific than most of the popular versions imply. This does not mean we should begin objectifying male bodies as we do female bodies, but we can recognize the husband’s body arouses the wife too.
4. The husband loves not just her body, but the strength, complexity, and depth of his wife’s character.
You are as beautiful as Tirzah, my darling,
as lovely as Jerusalem,
as majestic as troops with banners.
Turn your eyes from me;
they overwhelm me.
Song of Songs 6:4-5
When the man compares the woman to Jerusalem and spends the next five verses describing her face alone (SS 6:4-9), he’s celebrating the strength, complexity, and depth of the woman’s character. (Harvey 14, 56).
One last thought – much has already been said about Gary Thomas’ use of Proverbs 5:18-19. For anyone that needs to hear this, even if the root word means “nipple,” Proverbs and Song of Songs are books of poetic wisdom literature. Poetry beautifully works within the confines of human language to deeply express abstract ideas and emotions. So, on one hand, yes, it literally means, “husband, enjoy your wife’s nipples,” but “nipple” is also a symbolic representation of the female form. So if you’re not a boob man, or you’re a woman with no boobs, no worries, Proverbs 5 still beautifully calls for the man to delight in the charms of his woman.
The irony is not lost on me that the ESV Bible Study on Song of Solomon portrays male and female sexuality more wholistically than Gary Thomas’ and Debra Fileta’s new book Married Sex. It’s an indictment of Zondervan rather than praise for Crossway. To be clear, I believe Gary Thomas is a brother in Christ. I believe his books have helped thousands of people grow closer to Christ and one another. I believe his new book Married Sex co-authored with Debra Fileta will help some couples grow closer to one another and I rejoice with those couples who have benefited from Married Sex. But I also know that this book already has and will hurt many because of its small view of male and female sexuality. The “Song of Songs” is one of my favorite books of the Bible, and I was so disappointed with Gary Thomas’ (lack of) interpretation. He uses “biblical” language throughout his book, but he does not offer a strong exegesis of Song of Songs even though he titles the first chapter of his book after it. The book Married Sex contains twisted half-truths and subtle misogynistic beliefs based mostly on personal experiences and gender tropes that are dangerously embellished with biblical language without actual biblical references.
June 4, 2024
4⭐️
I thought this was a very good, informative book for married couples. This is not for the faint of heart, however, because they don’t beat around the bush or use euphemisms. They use all of the real words and concepts.
As believers, we are sacred with sex, and so this makes it challenging to find informative resources that honour God and not the crass, dangerous junk that the world provides on the internet…this book provides that and, though I may or may not agree 100% with everything, it lays out the facts and ideas and we can then determine our own convictions on it.
I felt that the over arching message was marital sex is to be rooted in genuine love and respect for your partner and it is ultimately a gift from our Holy God to be enjoyed.
If you are single, do not read this.
Extra note:
I didn’t see what some of the 1⭐️ reviewers saw so 🤷🏼♀️ I’m not sure what to say regarding that…
This is not a good book for addressing healing from sexual abuse, so don’t go into it looking for that type of resource
I thought this was a very good, informative book for married couples. This is not for the faint of heart, however, because they don’t beat around the bush or use euphemisms. They use all of the real words and concepts.
As believers, we are sacred with sex, and so this makes it challenging to find informative resources that honour God and not the crass, dangerous junk that the world provides on the internet…this book provides that and, though I may or may not agree 100% with everything, it lays out the facts and ideas and we can then determine our own convictions on it.
I felt that the over arching message was marital sex is to be rooted in genuine love and respect for your partner and it is ultimately a gift from our Holy God to be enjoyed.
If you are single, do not read this.
Extra note:
I didn’t see what some of the 1⭐️ reviewers saw so 🤷🏼♀️ I’m not sure what to say regarding that…
This is not a good book for addressing healing from sexual abuse, so don’t go into it looking for that type of resource
January 12, 2022
Purity culture, obligation sex, and patriarchal messages aside who really wants to read about Jesus and erotica in the same book? 🤢 🤮
I’m not a prude but this is f*ing weird.
I’m not a prude but this is f*ing weird.
April 27, 2022
“Married Sex” has a troublesome theological framework and worldview, and unfortunately, like so many other Christian books on sex, may only be helpful for those specific married couples whose sex life fits the author’s stereotype of a “Christian marriage”. At best, it’s a painkiller that may dull the sexual pain for couples that fit the stereotype (which is the husband wanting sex all the time, while the wife doesn’t enjoy/want sex as much). At worst, it’s the wrong medication for the disease that has infected our Christian culture, and will result in further damage to a marriage despite its intent to help. This self-inflicted disease is an un-Biblical worldview of sexuality that focuses and emphasizes the man, at the expense of the woman. This worldview is not just harmful to women (which it definitely is), but also to men who aren’t in the “expected” model of marriage that this worldview requires. Take a look at these quotes from Chapter 4 of “Married Sex”:
Page 55 – “The very act of sex speaks profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiation that requires receiving, control met with surrender. The complementary acts of sex reflect the divine truth of two becoming one…” If it really is the “divine truth” of sex is that one gender (implied: male) is force, initiative, and controlling, while the other gender (implied: female) is gentle, receiving, and surrendering, then where’s the Bible verses to support this? Gary the Pastor should surely be able to have at least one verse (and hopefully even more) to support such a sweeping claims about the sexual nature of men and women! What if you’re a man who prefers to be gentle in the bedroom? Are you now outside of God’s divine will? Without any Scriptural backing (and I don’t know of any Bible verse to support this view of sex), this is at best Gary abusing his own spiritual authority as a pastor to promote his own worldview of sex (instead of a Biblical one), and at worst, this kind of worldview can (and does) enable ACTUAL abuse in marriage! And if that’s not bad enough, just a few pages later…
Page 63 – “So by God’s design, the husband’s generally stronger desire (we know there are exceptions) moves him to be sexually intimate with his wife, which requires him to be relationally and even spiritually intimate, so that the couple’s passion is renewed, strengthened, and focused and the husband’s view of his wife’s beauty above all others is confirmed and even enhanced. It’s a brilliant process designed by a master Creator who truly knew what he was doing – strong sexual hormones in the male brain can strengthen the entire marital relationship when both husband and wife are faithful, generous, and active.” Again, this is another sweeping claim about God’s intended design for sex without ANY Scriptural support. There are no verses referenced here, nor are there any referenced in the surrounding text to support the author’s assertion that the husband’s “generally stronger desire” is in fact, by God’s design. In fact, as far as I know, there is no biblical verse anywhere in Scripture indicating or even implying that men’s sexual desire or libido is stronger (or more frequent) than women’s. Gary even seems to acknowledge that “there are exceptions” – but doesn’t say anything beyond that. Claiming anything to be “God’s design” should be founded on Scriptural references and biblical authority – but what we find here is Gary (again) abusing his own authority as a pastor to make claims without biblical justification. In other words – quote me some Bible here, Gary! (oh wait, there isn’t any Scripture that actually supports this, which is probably why there isn’t any Bible quoted)
Let’s say we give him the benefit of doubt here, and accept that God designed men to have stronger sexual desire than women. Gary then ties the husband’s stronger sexual desire to the husband being relationally and spiritually intimate – where does this leave the man who is the “exception”, and is married to a woman who has a stronger sexual desire? Does this mean that this man can’t be “relationally and spiritually intimate”? And that their marriage is doomed, as it is outside of God’s design? And conversely, does this mean that the only reason that a husband strives to be relationally and spiritually intimate with his wife is so that he can have sex?
Why do we as a Christian culture believe the narrative (that “Married Sex” also believes, and promotes) that “all men think and want is sex, and men can’t control themselves” and that it is women’s duty to “not deprive their man (to help him stay faithful), and oh, try to enjoy it while you’re at it as well”? This is not a Biblical narrative, and has no Scriptural foundation. In fact, Scripture is clear that both the husband and wife in a marriage should not deprive one another – “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5, NIV). This verse actually says that both husband and wife have sexual desire for each other, and in no way implies that man’s desire is stronger (or should be stronger) than his wife’s. While it recognizes that sexual temptation is real, it does not attribute this to just the man, or just the woman, but to both – recognizing both male and female sexual desire. In another counter to our “traditional” Christian thinking that women don’t desire sex, look at Song of Songs, chapter 1, where the woman opens the entire book with the words: “And the woman consented to the king out of compassion, and did not deprive him of her love”. Oh wait – it doesn’t say that at all! Here’s what it really says: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (SS 1:2) and “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (SS 1:4). The entire book opens with an expression of the woman’s desire, depicted beautifully, with urgency and passion!
As a husband whose marriage does not fit the only recognized “Godly” marriage model in the book (I am very happily married to a wonderful woman with a stronger sexual desire and higher libido), I am disappointed that a renowned author, thinker, and pastor like Gary Thomas would simply continue down the well-tread path of other Christian sex books, rather than offer ACTUAL biblical insights to help improve sex in marriage for ALL couples, rather than simply dismissing us as “exceptions”.
If only Christian authors, books, and pastors (ahem, Gary) would recognize that these “exceptions” are people too! My wife and I are made in God’s image, and our marriage (with my wife’s higher libido) IS according to God’s design! I want to encourage anyone who may be reading that if your marriage does not seem to fit the stereotype depicted by “Married Sex” and other Christian sex books, that you are not “outside of God’s design” – there is nothing wrong with the husband or the wife – we are all individuals made in the image of God, striving to become one with our spouse in our marriage. Neither are we rare – in the book “The Great Sex Rescue”, the authors surveyed more than 20,000 women, and found that 19.2% of the women surveyed reported higher libidos than their husbands, and 22.3% reported equal libidos (The Great Sex Rescue, page 125). 19% is NOT an “exception”, and neither is the 22% of women whose desire matches that of their husbands! While this means that 59% of women reported lower libidos than their husbands, this hardly implies “God’s design” – that’s not even enough to get a bill through the Senate. It’s a disgrace that such a significant portion of believers are left out in the cold when it comes to sex and marriage advice from trusted Christian resources, and are in fact, simply dismissed with a short phrase in parenthesis (as exceptions).
Proverbs 20:22 says “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV). This Scripture is typically interpreted in the positive light, exhorting us to raise our children in God-honoring ways, so that our children will follow the Lord as they grow into adulthood and beyond. However, what if we made the mistake of training our children wrongly, specifically as it relates to sex? Many marriages are reaping the negative consequences of this poor instruction, and as the proverb implies, it is a difficult path to change. Shelia Gregoire’s “The Great Sex Rescue” describes the situation of Christian married sex well. Our Christian culture has raised up a generation of believers with unbiblical sexual theology, by absurdly embracing the secular idea that men can’t control their sexual urges, and then placing the burden on women to keep men from sinning. This results in women internalizing their own sexual desires as sinful and dangerous, and something that must be repressed. However, after marriage, we suddenly expect women to “flip the switch” and give their husbands all the sex they want (so that they don’t fall into sexual temptation), even though the woman has been trained to think of her own sexual desires and sexuality as shameful and dangerous all her life. How fun and sexy is it for the wife when sex is something she HAS to have with her husband, to keep him from sinning? (rather than being something that she GETS to have, for both her own enjoyment and her husband’s, together.) No wonder many wives struggle to enjoy and want sex! Perhaps, the slim majority of women having lesser sexual desire in marriage is actually a RESULT of our own, flawed sexual teaching (survey results in The Great Sex Rescue, page 134), rather than God’s design!
And, do we ever teach men that they actually CAN control themselves? What does “Married Sex” have to say? On page 63, Gary writes, “[Jocelyn] concluded, ‘They say men need respect, but men also need sex.’” Of course, Gary attempts to caveat this by saying (and rightly so), “Needs is a strong word that can carry dangerous connotations…. The fear that your husband will sin against you if you don’t have sex with him every so often is a great way to turn a mutual delight into a creepy obligation… So I’m somewhat wary of using the word needs in an absolute sense, the way Jocelyn does, because every man is responsible for his own pursuit of purity.” Great words Gary! Spot on! If only he had ended there. Showing a remarkable amount of cognitive dissonance, Gary continues with: “But I can tell you this: sex FEELS like a need when you are young… when she acts as if she just doesn’t care about something that matters so much to him, she risks bringing alienation into the relationship.” Here, Gary the wordsmith does a literary turnabout that sounds good, but actually just agrees with Jocelyn, even when he claims to be wary of agreeing with Jocelyn. Furthermore, he actually blames the wife if she isn’t responsive to her husband’s “need”, as she is the one that will risk bringing “alienation into the relationship”! Perhaps Gary hasn’t ever read Galatians 5:22-23 – “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Sorry Gary, it looks like men (and women too) CAN have self-control when it comes to sex, whether they are married or single. How do I know this? Because the Bible said so. Any other teaching is just helping men justify and rationalize their own sin.
Now, I absolutely believe that the proper place of sex is within marriage, and that sexual purity is important and should be taught – but I think it’s clear that rather than teaching God’s truth about sexuality and marriage, our Christian culture has twisted it into confusing half-truths that really have more secular roots that we’d like to admit, and now we are reaping the many bad fruits of the rotten seeds that we’ve sown. Instead, let’s teach that both men and women are responsible for our own sexual purity, and stop burdening women simply because we think men can’t control themselves. Perhaps if we started to teach a truly biblical message of sexual desire and purity, libido differences wouldn’t even be a big problem for the next generation!
You might say – “that was just one small excerpt of ‘Married Sex.’ Surely there are some redeeming sections, and other chapters that can be helpful.” Certainly, there are some parts that could be helpful. Not everything in the book is awful. There’s a few practical suggestions here and there. Maybe it’s a step up from some previous Christian sex books. If you decide on reading it, I sincerely hope that it can be helpful and healing for your situation. However, I still think that this book is more like a painkiller than a true treatment for the sickness – it may provide some temporary relief, but there will still be brokenness lurking underneath, because the underlying worldview of the book is un-Biblical. Matthew 16:11b-12 reads “ ‘…But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.’ Then they [the disciples] understood that he [Jesus] was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” This verse illustrates how bad teaching can spread (like yeast), and ultimately infect every part of the dough. “Married Sex”, like many other Christian sex and marriage books before it, is infected by this un-Biblical teaching about male and female sexual desire and purity, and this yeast is present throughout the book in both subtle and in-your-face ways.
I think the best example (or perhaps, worst) of this toxic male-centric view of sex can be found later in the book. Even when Pastor Gary tries to assure the wife that her husband enjoys giving her pleasure (helping her to climax), he manages to couch his assurance in the context of the husband’s pleasure (page 230): “The physiological mechanics of sex mean that wives can increase their pleasure by remembering what we said earlier: ‘My pleasure increases his pleasure.’ And husbands can prolong their pleasure by remembering this: ‘Her pleasure increase my pleasure.’” Read that carefully, and it is NOT a mis-quote. Who gets the “increase” in pleasure here? It’s apparently ONLY the man! While it is true that a wife’s pleasure increases a husband’s pleasure (as mutually enjoyable sex should be), what Gary has left unsaid (or perhaps doesn’t even believe) speaks volumes – a husband’s pleasure should also increase the wife’s pleasure, and the wife’s pleasure is worth pursuing by a loving husband, period.
In fairness – I believe that the authors in “Married Sex” mean well. I think that they really do care about helping people and building up Christ-honoring marriages. However, I believe that they (more so Gary than Deb, judging by the contents of each chapter) are working from within a broken worldview, one that is actually informed more by secular culture than they would like to admit, and one that is on dubious theological ground. While I’ve only quoted just a small part of the book here, the yeast of bad theology on display here can be found throughout the entire book. (plenty of other reviews detail other troublesome spots in the book, so I won’t go into detail on them here). Charles Spurgeon said “Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.” This book is full of “almost rights”, and almost rights can do harm to your marriage just like obvious wrongs – if you do decide to read this book, please use a lot of discernment, and rely on the Holy Spirit to sift the wheat from the chaff.
For a more holistic and Scriptural view on sex and marriage, I would simply encourage you to study the Bible, and to approach it as much as possible without filtering God’s words through our current toxic Christian teachings about sex. The most obvious place in the Bible to study about sex is of course, Song of Songs. I know it can be a bit challenging to tackle, but there are plenty of study guides and other resources that can help guide you through an actual Biblical study of sex that is based on God’s word, rather than Gary’s.
Page 55 – “The very act of sex speaks profound differences in gender: forcefulness that requires gentleness, initiation that requires receiving, control met with surrender. The complementary acts of sex reflect the divine truth of two becoming one…” If it really is the “divine truth” of sex is that one gender (implied: male) is force, initiative, and controlling, while the other gender (implied: female) is gentle, receiving, and surrendering, then where’s the Bible verses to support this? Gary the Pastor should surely be able to have at least one verse (and hopefully even more) to support such a sweeping claims about the sexual nature of men and women! What if you’re a man who prefers to be gentle in the bedroom? Are you now outside of God’s divine will? Without any Scriptural backing (and I don’t know of any Bible verse to support this view of sex), this is at best Gary abusing his own spiritual authority as a pastor to promote his own worldview of sex (instead of a Biblical one), and at worst, this kind of worldview can (and does) enable ACTUAL abuse in marriage! And if that’s not bad enough, just a few pages later…
Page 63 – “So by God’s design, the husband’s generally stronger desire (we know there are exceptions) moves him to be sexually intimate with his wife, which requires him to be relationally and even spiritually intimate, so that the couple’s passion is renewed, strengthened, and focused and the husband’s view of his wife’s beauty above all others is confirmed and even enhanced. It’s a brilliant process designed by a master Creator who truly knew what he was doing – strong sexual hormones in the male brain can strengthen the entire marital relationship when both husband and wife are faithful, generous, and active.” Again, this is another sweeping claim about God’s intended design for sex without ANY Scriptural support. There are no verses referenced here, nor are there any referenced in the surrounding text to support the author’s assertion that the husband’s “generally stronger desire” is in fact, by God’s design. In fact, as far as I know, there is no biblical verse anywhere in Scripture indicating or even implying that men’s sexual desire or libido is stronger (or more frequent) than women’s. Gary even seems to acknowledge that “there are exceptions” – but doesn’t say anything beyond that. Claiming anything to be “God’s design” should be founded on Scriptural references and biblical authority – but what we find here is Gary (again) abusing his own authority as a pastor to make claims without biblical justification. In other words – quote me some Bible here, Gary! (oh wait, there isn’t any Scripture that actually supports this, which is probably why there isn’t any Bible quoted)
Let’s say we give him the benefit of doubt here, and accept that God designed men to have stronger sexual desire than women. Gary then ties the husband’s stronger sexual desire to the husband being relationally and spiritually intimate – where does this leave the man who is the “exception”, and is married to a woman who has a stronger sexual desire? Does this mean that this man can’t be “relationally and spiritually intimate”? And that their marriage is doomed, as it is outside of God’s design? And conversely, does this mean that the only reason that a husband strives to be relationally and spiritually intimate with his wife is so that he can have sex?
Why do we as a Christian culture believe the narrative (that “Married Sex” also believes, and promotes) that “all men think and want is sex, and men can’t control themselves” and that it is women’s duty to “not deprive their man (to help him stay faithful), and oh, try to enjoy it while you’re at it as well”? This is not a Biblical narrative, and has no Scriptural foundation. In fact, Scripture is clear that both the husband and wife in a marriage should not deprive one another – “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5, NIV). This verse actually says that both husband and wife have sexual desire for each other, and in no way implies that man’s desire is stronger (or should be stronger) than his wife’s. While it recognizes that sexual temptation is real, it does not attribute this to just the man, or just the woman, but to both – recognizing both male and female sexual desire. In another counter to our “traditional” Christian thinking that women don’t desire sex, look at Song of Songs, chapter 1, where the woman opens the entire book with the words: “And the woman consented to the king out of compassion, and did not deprive him of her love”. Oh wait – it doesn’t say that at all! Here’s what it really says: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (SS 1:2) and “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (SS 1:4). The entire book opens with an expression of the woman’s desire, depicted beautifully, with urgency and passion!
As a husband whose marriage does not fit the only recognized “Godly” marriage model in the book (I am very happily married to a wonderful woman with a stronger sexual desire and higher libido), I am disappointed that a renowned author, thinker, and pastor like Gary Thomas would simply continue down the well-tread path of other Christian sex books, rather than offer ACTUAL biblical insights to help improve sex in marriage for ALL couples, rather than simply dismissing us as “exceptions”.
If only Christian authors, books, and pastors (ahem, Gary) would recognize that these “exceptions” are people too! My wife and I are made in God’s image, and our marriage (with my wife’s higher libido) IS according to God’s design! I want to encourage anyone who may be reading that if your marriage does not seem to fit the stereotype depicted by “Married Sex” and other Christian sex books, that you are not “outside of God’s design” – there is nothing wrong with the husband or the wife – we are all individuals made in the image of God, striving to become one with our spouse in our marriage. Neither are we rare – in the book “The Great Sex Rescue”, the authors surveyed more than 20,000 women, and found that 19.2% of the women surveyed reported higher libidos than their husbands, and 22.3% reported equal libidos (The Great Sex Rescue, page 125). 19% is NOT an “exception”, and neither is the 22% of women whose desire matches that of their husbands! While this means that 59% of women reported lower libidos than their husbands, this hardly implies “God’s design” – that’s not even enough to get a bill through the Senate. It’s a disgrace that such a significant portion of believers are left out in the cold when it comes to sex and marriage advice from trusted Christian resources, and are in fact, simply dismissed with a short phrase in parenthesis (as exceptions).
Proverbs 20:22 says “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (ESV). This Scripture is typically interpreted in the positive light, exhorting us to raise our children in God-honoring ways, so that our children will follow the Lord as they grow into adulthood and beyond. However, what if we made the mistake of training our children wrongly, specifically as it relates to sex? Many marriages are reaping the negative consequences of this poor instruction, and as the proverb implies, it is a difficult path to change. Shelia Gregoire’s “The Great Sex Rescue” describes the situation of Christian married sex well. Our Christian culture has raised up a generation of believers with unbiblical sexual theology, by absurdly embracing the secular idea that men can’t control their sexual urges, and then placing the burden on women to keep men from sinning. This results in women internalizing their own sexual desires as sinful and dangerous, and something that must be repressed. However, after marriage, we suddenly expect women to “flip the switch” and give their husbands all the sex they want (so that they don’t fall into sexual temptation), even though the woman has been trained to think of her own sexual desires and sexuality as shameful and dangerous all her life. How fun and sexy is it for the wife when sex is something she HAS to have with her husband, to keep him from sinning? (rather than being something that she GETS to have, for both her own enjoyment and her husband’s, together.) No wonder many wives struggle to enjoy and want sex! Perhaps, the slim majority of women having lesser sexual desire in marriage is actually a RESULT of our own, flawed sexual teaching (survey results in The Great Sex Rescue, page 134), rather than God’s design!
And, do we ever teach men that they actually CAN control themselves? What does “Married Sex” have to say? On page 63, Gary writes, “[Jocelyn] concluded, ‘They say men need respect, but men also need sex.’” Of course, Gary attempts to caveat this by saying (and rightly so), “Needs is a strong word that can carry dangerous connotations…. The fear that your husband will sin against you if you don’t have sex with him every so often is a great way to turn a mutual delight into a creepy obligation… So I’m somewhat wary of using the word needs in an absolute sense, the way Jocelyn does, because every man is responsible for his own pursuit of purity.” Great words Gary! Spot on! If only he had ended there. Showing a remarkable amount of cognitive dissonance, Gary continues with: “But I can tell you this: sex FEELS like a need when you are young… when she acts as if she just doesn’t care about something that matters so much to him, she risks bringing alienation into the relationship.” Here, Gary the wordsmith does a literary turnabout that sounds good, but actually just agrees with Jocelyn, even when he claims to be wary of agreeing with Jocelyn. Furthermore, he actually blames the wife if she isn’t responsive to her husband’s “need”, as she is the one that will risk bringing “alienation into the relationship”! Perhaps Gary hasn’t ever read Galatians 5:22-23 – “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Sorry Gary, it looks like men (and women too) CAN have self-control when it comes to sex, whether they are married or single. How do I know this? Because the Bible said so. Any other teaching is just helping men justify and rationalize their own sin.
Now, I absolutely believe that the proper place of sex is within marriage, and that sexual purity is important and should be taught – but I think it’s clear that rather than teaching God’s truth about sexuality and marriage, our Christian culture has twisted it into confusing half-truths that really have more secular roots that we’d like to admit, and now we are reaping the many bad fruits of the rotten seeds that we’ve sown. Instead, let’s teach that both men and women are responsible for our own sexual purity, and stop burdening women simply because we think men can’t control themselves. Perhaps if we started to teach a truly biblical message of sexual desire and purity, libido differences wouldn’t even be a big problem for the next generation!
You might say – “that was just one small excerpt of ‘Married Sex.’ Surely there are some redeeming sections, and other chapters that can be helpful.” Certainly, there are some parts that could be helpful. Not everything in the book is awful. There’s a few practical suggestions here and there. Maybe it’s a step up from some previous Christian sex books. If you decide on reading it, I sincerely hope that it can be helpful and healing for your situation. However, I still think that this book is more like a painkiller than a true treatment for the sickness – it may provide some temporary relief, but there will still be brokenness lurking underneath, because the underlying worldview of the book is un-Biblical. Matthew 16:11b-12 reads “ ‘…But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.’ Then they [the disciples] understood that he [Jesus] was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.” This verse illustrates how bad teaching can spread (like yeast), and ultimately infect every part of the dough. “Married Sex”, like many other Christian sex and marriage books before it, is infected by this un-Biblical teaching about male and female sexual desire and purity, and this yeast is present throughout the book in both subtle and in-your-face ways.
I think the best example (or perhaps, worst) of this toxic male-centric view of sex can be found later in the book. Even when Pastor Gary tries to assure the wife that her husband enjoys giving her pleasure (helping her to climax), he manages to couch his assurance in the context of the husband’s pleasure (page 230): “The physiological mechanics of sex mean that wives can increase their pleasure by remembering what we said earlier: ‘My pleasure increases his pleasure.’ And husbands can prolong their pleasure by remembering this: ‘Her pleasure increase my pleasure.’” Read that carefully, and it is NOT a mis-quote. Who gets the “increase” in pleasure here? It’s apparently ONLY the man! While it is true that a wife’s pleasure increases a husband’s pleasure (as mutually enjoyable sex should be), what Gary has left unsaid (or perhaps doesn’t even believe) speaks volumes – a husband’s pleasure should also increase the wife’s pleasure, and the wife’s pleasure is worth pursuing by a loving husband, period.
In fairness – I believe that the authors in “Married Sex” mean well. I think that they really do care about helping people and building up Christ-honoring marriages. However, I believe that they (more so Gary than Deb, judging by the contents of each chapter) are working from within a broken worldview, one that is actually informed more by secular culture than they would like to admit, and one that is on dubious theological ground. While I’ve only quoted just a small part of the book here, the yeast of bad theology on display here can be found throughout the entire book. (plenty of other reviews detail other troublesome spots in the book, so I won’t go into detail on them here). Charles Spurgeon said “Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.” This book is full of “almost rights”, and almost rights can do harm to your marriage just like obvious wrongs – if you do decide to read this book, please use a lot of discernment, and rely on the Holy Spirit to sift the wheat from the chaff.
For a more holistic and Scriptural view on sex and marriage, I would simply encourage you to study the Bible, and to approach it as much as possible without filtering God’s words through our current toxic Christian teachings about sex. The most obvious place in the Bible to study about sex is of course, Song of Songs. I know it can be a bit challenging to tackle, but there are plenty of study guides and other resources that can help guide you through an actual Biblical study of sex that is based on God’s word, rather than Gary’s.
December 11, 2022
It pains me to give a Gary Thomas book one star, but that's the rating I give for books I can't finish. Lots of reviews here give detailed critiques of problems in this book, and while I may not feel as strongly about many of these issues as they do, I hope the collective voices of this many people will be an indication to Gary and Debra that they've missed the mark here and need to listen more than defend. I say this as someone who has paid multiple times to experience Gary's teaching.
The goal of this book seems to be to have an extremely open and frank discussion about how great sex can be in marriage, in what I assume is a response to the purity culture that traumatized so many young Christians. It's something the Christian world really needs, but I felt this book consistently painted a picture of a sex life that is simply not realistic for everyone because not everyone desires or is emotionally capable of it.
Without going into personal details, I will say that the vision of married sex that this book encourages would actively damage my marriage if I pursued it.
The goal of this book seems to be to have an extremely open and frank discussion about how great sex can be in marriage, in what I assume is a response to the purity culture that traumatized so many young Christians. It's something the Christian world really needs, but I felt this book consistently painted a picture of a sex life that is simply not realistic for everyone because not everyone desires or is emotionally capable of it.
Without going into personal details, I will say that the vision of married sex that this book encourages would actively damage my marriage if I pursued it.
May 21, 2022
Why, when the overwhelming outcry across many platforms reports this book is harmful, dangerous, misogynistic, objectifying garbage, has this book not been recalled and renounced!?
March 13, 2022
I rarely write reviews but I saw all the negative reviews and knew I had to write this one.
This was a phenomenal and solid book on true Christian marriage principles!! If I could give it more than 5 stars, I would. My husband and I turned 30 this year (so I like to think we’re still in the younger crowd) and we’ve been married for 9 years. I stumbled upon this book by accident. After struggling with non-biblical teaching on sex prior to becoming a Christian and sexual sin after marriage, this was exactly the book I was looking for. It is sound! I accidentally ordered two copies so my husband and I have been reading it together. We have already recommended it to so many people. At first, my husband wasn’t super excited about having another thing to read, but he ended up finishing it in a weekend! It has changed our marriage and our individual walk with God. So many things clicked for us and we were able to have some “difficult” (but much needed) conversations that otherwise probably would never have happened. My husband is a different person OUTSIDE of the bedroom after this book and the final chapter stuck with him - becoming a better person, Christian, and spouse is how you grow in intimacy. Becoming more like Jesus overflows and impacts every aspect of you life, including intimacy with your spouse. Finally a book that will save marriages and point people the God designed gift of marital sex!
This was a phenomenal and solid book on true Christian marriage principles!! If I could give it more than 5 stars, I would. My husband and I turned 30 this year (so I like to think we’re still in the younger crowd) and we’ve been married for 9 years. I stumbled upon this book by accident. After struggling with non-biblical teaching on sex prior to becoming a Christian and sexual sin after marriage, this was exactly the book I was looking for. It is sound! I accidentally ordered two copies so my husband and I have been reading it together. We have already recommended it to so many people. At first, my husband wasn’t super excited about having another thing to read, but he ended up finishing it in a weekend! It has changed our marriage and our individual walk with God. So many things clicked for us and we were able to have some “difficult” (but much needed) conversations that otherwise probably would never have happened. My husband is a different person OUTSIDE of the bedroom after this book and the final chapter stuck with him - becoming a better person, Christian, and spouse is how you grow in intimacy. Becoming more like Jesus overflows and impacts every aspect of you life, including intimacy with your spouse. Finally a book that will save marriages and point people the God designed gift of marital sex!
March 9, 2023
No review on this bc that's awkward.. sorry you had to see this folks. But I had to include it on here to hit my goal 🤷♀️
June 23, 2022
I remember loving Sacred Marriage as a young, married woman - years before my own marital sh*t hit the fan. I'm sorry to say that this book will not be one I recommend to anyone. Debra did a lovely job and the two stars are for her. She softened every one of Gary's blows, but the fact that he had to be reigned in with reason and compassion is a very big part of the problem. His voice was arrogant and belittling, especially considering his audience - Christian couples - who have gone through sexual whiplash in and out of culture and church. It felt like he was talking over my head, running head-on into a conversation to which he hadn't been invited. He spoke as though he owned the topic and deserved a seat at the table simply because he had been having sex with one woman for a very long time. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, and I will not discredit anyone who has a happy and fulfilling marriage, but for what most of our marriages are going through these days, this book fell flat. It is tone-deaf to the deeper issues rioting in the hearts of men and women today. Apologies and humility go a very, very long way in this conversation, but I did not find them here. Thus, it was not the real talk I had been hoping for.
June 4, 2022
Hazardous G-rated contents in the book
It talks about women's wives having an influence over their husbands that reset any power balances that occur because of other issues and any young women have learned how one quick flash of their breasts can change the climate in the room for their husbands like nothing else will.(p. 12)
It also says that men desire certain quantity of sexual experiences as well and a delightful episode a month won’t be enough for husbands, no matter how good the experience may be
It says that married man’s brain is awakened by visual sexual cues but not for a single man (p.63, 64)
It teaches women to "Learn how to say no as an act of foreplay instead of rejection which can create a very happy husband (p. 72)
Unfortunately, Married Sex is a compilation of contradictions and retractions. The contribution of Married Sex to the conversation of Sex for Christian couples does far more harm than good. At best, Married Sex is a confusing, dangerous bag of mixed messages, sprinkled with truth. In all fairness, co-author Debra Fileta makes an effort to reign in the confusion in her chapters, which only adds to the confusion.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 15, 2022
I read this book in preparation for a talk I was asked to give on marital intimacy. This was interesting.....I couldn't finish it.....I think I stopped after chapter 4? I might go back at some point to finish, but I'm not super motivated. At all. While there are some valid points in this book, there are also lots of questionable/unhealthy statements and portions (looks like some of those have already been covered in previous reviews). I really felt uncomfortable as a woman reading parts of it. There were also a lot of contradictory things.
IMO, I also found it strange that a man and woman (not married to each other) wrote a very explicit book on sex. Please note, I am not making any assumptions or conclusions. Can Christian men and women professionally work alongside each other on a project, such as a book? Absolutely. What about a book on sex? eeehhhh, not so sure.....I just honestly find it strange.....
Your time would be better spent reading God, Sex and You by David White in addition to The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire.
IMO, I also found it strange that a man and woman (not married to each other) wrote a very explicit book on sex. Please note, I am not making any assumptions or conclusions. Can Christian men and women professionally work alongside each other on a project, such as a book? Absolutely. What about a book on sex? eeehhhh, not so sure.....I just honestly find it strange.....
Your time would be better spent reading God, Sex and You by David White in addition to The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire.
April 25, 2022
Listened to on audible.
If you’re wondering whether to listen to this book, your reaction to Jocelyn’s sexpertise is a good litmus test of whether or not you’ll find this book helpful. I tried to include all the direct quotes from Jocelyn below, but I did not even include all the times her name is mentioned in the book (there’s more!) if she’s not being quoted directly.
“We sleep naked,” Jocelyn told me. “And Danny gets a full body-to-body naked hug every morning before he jumps in the shower.” Though they have a very large master bedroom, they sleep in a relatively small, full-sized bed. “It looks like a postage stamp in that room,” Jocelyn said. “But we want to be close all night long.” (p. 1)
“I’ve learned not to care what the temperature is,” Danny told me. “Guys usually think their wives want the temperature set too high and they complain about it being too hot to sleep and then fight to make it colder. But I’d rather Jocelyn feel warm enough not to want to wear any clothes, so I’ve trained myself not to care how hot it is.” Jocelyn and Danny aren’t newlyweds, by the way. They’ve been married for a decade and a half, and in Jocelyn’s words, “The sex keeps getting better and better and better.” (pp. 1-2).
Jocelyn started attending a women’s Bible study, only to be shocked at how regularly some of these Christian women bashed their husbands. “And the worst,” one woman said, “is when I come to bed with my robe on and am reading my book, and he actually thinks I might be interested in sex! Honey, this robe is your clue that the store is closed for the night!” Most of the women laughed, but Jocelyn grieved. “Danny and I have a strict ‘no clothes in bed’ policy,” she said out loud—and the laughter stopped. “And sex is always on the table.” The women looked at Jocelyn like they had heard the most bizarre thing in the world, like she had uttered something profoundly offensive. “Sex isn’t a chore,” she explained. “It feels so wonderful. Why wouldn’t you want to have good sex? If it’s not great, work at it and make it better. I’d much rather come to bed naked and enjoy a good climax at night and then wake up feeling close and connected to my husband in the morning. I’ll put on a robe to make breakfast for my kids in the morning, but I would never put on a robe to tell my husband to keep his hands off me at night.” The very next day, Jocelyn received a phone call from one of the leaders. “Jocelyn,” she said, “we’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time for you to start your own Bible study. You’re so honest and open—maybe that’s what God is calling you to do.” You read that right: talking positively about her sex life got Jocelyn thrown out of her first married women’s Bible study. (5-6)
When Jocelyn was first married, she enjoyed sexual intimacy, “but,” she says, “I didn’t realize it could keep getting better.” What helped her value Danny’s kisses “more than wine” was growing in understanding. “Fifteen years ago, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I never imagined it would take me a decade and a half to enjoy the best sex in my life. In fact, early on I thought it was great and would have asked myself, How can it get any better?—but it does! It’s like learning a new sport or playing a new instrument: you hone your craft.” Jocelyn was truly surprised by what she discovered. “When I was a teenager, you’d hear boys talking about masturbation and porn and wanting sexual stuff from girls, but my friends and I never talked about sex like that; it was a whole different level of interest, so I grew up thinking sex was for boys, not girls.” Fifteen years of marriage have radically changed her mind. “When wives push away their husbands, what amazes me is how much the wives are missing out. How do you not want to have that release? It feels so good. You sleep better, and the way it brings you closer to your husband that night and the very next day—well, I suspect they’re just not having an orgasm, because I don’t know why a woman would turn that down.” What helped Jocelyn get to this place? “It wasn’t just becoming more knowledgeable about sex. Most importantly, I learned me better. I have to turn off the rest of the world and focus on the moment, refusing to think about children and work and the house. At the start I’d remind myself, This is good. This is what the Lord wants for Danny and me.” (7-8)
Jocelyn has seen this effect with Danny. “His personality bends him toward being connected to people. He tends to feel rejected and not loved. When he is loved by me sexually, it’s like he blossoms into this other person.” Danny concurs. “Being sexually desired means I’m accepted and appreciated and that someone wants me. The way my brain works, if my wife doesn’t want me sexually, then she doesn’t want me period—and that makes me feel alone and rejected. It affects my identity.”… “It’s really not just sex that Danny wants and needs,” Jocelyn explains. “It’s me being interested in and enjoying sex. Danny certainly doesn’t want it to come across like it’s a chore. If that’s my attitude, I may as well not bother.” They both laughed about a recent morning when Danny literally skipped in the hallway as he walked into work (they work together) after a morning of making love. “You can see he holds his head a little higher,” Jocelyn says, “and his whole day is different.” “Starting out the day like that gives you a sense of confidence about yourself,” Danny explains. “I bring a new force and confidence and even creativity to the office when I know Jocelyn and I are connecting.” (10)
One of the things that scared Jocelyn the most about sex early on is also one of the most surprising admonitions in Scripture about sexual intimacy: its intensity…As her and Danny’s sex kept getting better, Jocelyn was actually getting a bit worried because she didn’t like the “out of control” feeling. “I don’t like to lose control because I’m so used to controlling everything: our money, schedules, homework, the kids’ meals, their closets, you name it. It’s not comfortable for me to be out of control. But to reach orgasm, a woman has to let go. It’s scary at first, but the reward is so overwhelming that once you learn to do it, it gets a lot easier.” (11)
"We women change our minds all the time,” Jocelyn told me. “Danny might have understood me yesterday, but that doesn’t mean he understands me today.” (54)
After fifteen years of being married to Danny, Jocelyn has learned firsthand how understanding this process can serve her marriage. She concluded, “They say men need respect, but men also need sex.” (63)
Jocelyn knew choosing that song would be a signal. “For me, it’s almost like doing something sneaky. He always gets ready to go into the church on Saturday at three, so I knew I could lock the door and we could have a little fun. Listening to dance or pop music gets me in the mood, and making it play loud feels like it takes over your senses. It also makes me feel confident that the kids won’t overhear what’s going on. When I’m less self-conscious, I’m more into the moment.” The beat, the sound, and the lyrics all proved to be a powerful aphrodisiac for this couple. For most husbands, a wife can’t be vocal enough—well, unless perhaps you’re spending the night at your in-laws’. (122)
Jocelyn doesn’t like either body odor or cologne; she just wants clean and unscented. “I don’t mind coconut oil, but I’m not a fan at all of those scented lubes.” (128)
Jocelyn greets Danny with a full-on-naked body hug every morning. “I just press my breasts against him.” Ninety percent of the time it doesn’t lead to sex. But it leaves the thought of her beauty in Danny’s mind 100 percent of the time, and Jocelyn loves knowing his thoughts will be tethered to her throughout the day. (147)
If Jocelyn feels like a soul sister, you will probably like this book. I honestly hope this book helps you grow in sexual enjoyment with your spouse, and that’s why I’m willing to give the book 3 stars. If you can’t relate to some of the things Jocelyn says or ever feel yourself cringing, know the book is worse. Gary Thomas uses Jocelyn as his mouthpiece to say all the things he feels like he might get pushback for saying as a man and then elaborates on them. He props up Jocelyn’s cute little soundbites as fact to teach women about women and to instruct women on how to be sexy for their man. If you want insight on my opinion about Jocelyn’s sexpertise, do an internet search on “internalized misogyny” or “women who don’t like other women.”
One last thing that REALLY bothered me about this book. Near the beginning, Gary says, “We’ve seen many couples blessed by the sexual intimacy that flows from their union. … It brings joy, peace, contentment, and a special shared intimacy because they regularly do something together that they share and talk about with no one else.” (15)
He seems to recognize sex is something intimate to be shared between two people, so why is it ok for all the couples in this book to brag about all the specific, special details of their sex lives with one another?
If you’re wondering whether to listen to this book, your reaction to Jocelyn’s sexpertise is a good litmus test of whether or not you’ll find this book helpful. I tried to include all the direct quotes from Jocelyn below, but I did not even include all the times her name is mentioned in the book (there’s more!) if she’s not being quoted directly.
“We sleep naked,” Jocelyn told me. “And Danny gets a full body-to-body naked hug every morning before he jumps in the shower.” Though they have a very large master bedroom, they sleep in a relatively small, full-sized bed. “It looks like a postage stamp in that room,” Jocelyn said. “But we want to be close all night long.” (p. 1)
“I’ve learned not to care what the temperature is,” Danny told me. “Guys usually think their wives want the temperature set too high and they complain about it being too hot to sleep and then fight to make it colder. But I’d rather Jocelyn feel warm enough not to want to wear any clothes, so I’ve trained myself not to care how hot it is.” Jocelyn and Danny aren’t newlyweds, by the way. They’ve been married for a decade and a half, and in Jocelyn’s words, “The sex keeps getting better and better and better.” (pp. 1-2).
Jocelyn started attending a women’s Bible study, only to be shocked at how regularly some of these Christian women bashed their husbands. “And the worst,” one woman said, “is when I come to bed with my robe on and am reading my book, and he actually thinks I might be interested in sex! Honey, this robe is your clue that the store is closed for the night!” Most of the women laughed, but Jocelyn grieved. “Danny and I have a strict ‘no clothes in bed’ policy,” she said out loud—and the laughter stopped. “And sex is always on the table.” The women looked at Jocelyn like they had heard the most bizarre thing in the world, like she had uttered something profoundly offensive. “Sex isn’t a chore,” she explained. “It feels so wonderful. Why wouldn’t you want to have good sex? If it’s not great, work at it and make it better. I’d much rather come to bed naked and enjoy a good climax at night and then wake up feeling close and connected to my husband in the morning. I’ll put on a robe to make breakfast for my kids in the morning, but I would never put on a robe to tell my husband to keep his hands off me at night.” The very next day, Jocelyn received a phone call from one of the leaders. “Jocelyn,” she said, “we’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time for you to start your own Bible study. You’re so honest and open—maybe that’s what God is calling you to do.” You read that right: talking positively about her sex life got Jocelyn thrown out of her first married women’s Bible study. (5-6)
When Jocelyn was first married, she enjoyed sexual intimacy, “but,” she says, “I didn’t realize it could keep getting better.” What helped her value Danny’s kisses “more than wine” was growing in understanding. “Fifteen years ago, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I never imagined it would take me a decade and a half to enjoy the best sex in my life. In fact, early on I thought it was great and would have asked myself, How can it get any better?—but it does! It’s like learning a new sport or playing a new instrument: you hone your craft.” Jocelyn was truly surprised by what she discovered. “When I was a teenager, you’d hear boys talking about masturbation and porn and wanting sexual stuff from girls, but my friends and I never talked about sex like that; it was a whole different level of interest, so I grew up thinking sex was for boys, not girls.” Fifteen years of marriage have radically changed her mind. “When wives push away their husbands, what amazes me is how much the wives are missing out. How do you not want to have that release? It feels so good. You sleep better, and the way it brings you closer to your husband that night and the very next day—well, I suspect they’re just not having an orgasm, because I don’t know why a woman would turn that down.” What helped Jocelyn get to this place? “It wasn’t just becoming more knowledgeable about sex. Most importantly, I learned me better. I have to turn off the rest of the world and focus on the moment, refusing to think about children and work and the house. At the start I’d remind myself, This is good. This is what the Lord wants for Danny and me.” (7-8)
Jocelyn has seen this effect with Danny. “His personality bends him toward being connected to people. He tends to feel rejected and not loved. When he is loved by me sexually, it’s like he blossoms into this other person.” Danny concurs. “Being sexually desired means I’m accepted and appreciated and that someone wants me. The way my brain works, if my wife doesn’t want me sexually, then she doesn’t want me period—and that makes me feel alone and rejected. It affects my identity.”… “It’s really not just sex that Danny wants and needs,” Jocelyn explains. “It’s me being interested in and enjoying sex. Danny certainly doesn’t want it to come across like it’s a chore. If that’s my attitude, I may as well not bother.” They both laughed about a recent morning when Danny literally skipped in the hallway as he walked into work (they work together) after a morning of making love. “You can see he holds his head a little higher,” Jocelyn says, “and his whole day is different.” “Starting out the day like that gives you a sense of confidence about yourself,” Danny explains. “I bring a new force and confidence and even creativity to the office when I know Jocelyn and I are connecting.” (10)
One of the things that scared Jocelyn the most about sex early on is also one of the most surprising admonitions in Scripture about sexual intimacy: its intensity…As her and Danny’s sex kept getting better, Jocelyn was actually getting a bit worried because she didn’t like the “out of control” feeling. “I don’t like to lose control because I’m so used to controlling everything: our money, schedules, homework, the kids’ meals, their closets, you name it. It’s not comfortable for me to be out of control. But to reach orgasm, a woman has to let go. It’s scary at first, but the reward is so overwhelming that once you learn to do it, it gets a lot easier.” (11)
"We women change our minds all the time,” Jocelyn told me. “Danny might have understood me yesterday, but that doesn’t mean he understands me today.” (54)
After fifteen years of being married to Danny, Jocelyn has learned firsthand how understanding this process can serve her marriage. She concluded, “They say men need respect, but men also need sex.” (63)
Jocelyn knew choosing that song would be a signal. “For me, it’s almost like doing something sneaky. He always gets ready to go into the church on Saturday at three, so I knew I could lock the door and we could have a little fun. Listening to dance or pop music gets me in the mood, and making it play loud feels like it takes over your senses. It also makes me feel confident that the kids won’t overhear what’s going on. When I’m less self-conscious, I’m more into the moment.” The beat, the sound, and the lyrics all proved to be a powerful aphrodisiac for this couple. For most husbands, a wife can’t be vocal enough—well, unless perhaps you’re spending the night at your in-laws’. (122)
Jocelyn doesn’t like either body odor or cologne; she just wants clean and unscented. “I don’t mind coconut oil, but I’m not a fan at all of those scented lubes.” (128)
Jocelyn greets Danny with a full-on-naked body hug every morning. “I just press my breasts against him.” Ninety percent of the time it doesn’t lead to sex. But it leaves the thought of her beauty in Danny’s mind 100 percent of the time, and Jocelyn loves knowing his thoughts will be tethered to her throughout the day. (147)
If Jocelyn feels like a soul sister, you will probably like this book. I honestly hope this book helps you grow in sexual enjoyment with your spouse, and that’s why I’m willing to give the book 3 stars. If you can’t relate to some of the things Jocelyn says or ever feel yourself cringing, know the book is worse. Gary Thomas uses Jocelyn as his mouthpiece to say all the things he feels like he might get pushback for saying as a man and then elaborates on them. He props up Jocelyn’s cute little soundbites as fact to teach women about women and to instruct women on how to be sexy for their man. If you want insight on my opinion about Jocelyn’s sexpertise, do an internet search on “internalized misogyny” or “women who don’t like other women.”
One last thing that REALLY bothered me about this book. Near the beginning, Gary says, “We’ve seen many couples blessed by the sexual intimacy that flows from their union. … It brings joy, peace, contentment, and a special shared intimacy because they regularly do something together that they share and talk about with no one else.” (15)
He seems to recognize sex is something intimate to be shared between two people, so why is it ok for all the couples in this book to brag about all the specific, special details of their sex lives with one another?
March 7, 2025
i think this book is highly misogynistic and almost allows rape in marriage? she is a therapist so im not really sure why she was chosen to speak on this. all of the stories they had seemed to be about men that are addicted to porn still in marriage, and wanted to encourage women to have sex with their husbands whenever he wanted
October 21, 2021
In “Married Sex,” Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta, gently and honestly instruct both husband and wife in how they can grow and mature as a couple around the area of sex within marriage. Both Gary and Debra understand the power of compassion, grace, tenderness, and forgiveness. They seek to advise growing (but imperfect, sometimes struggling, hurting) Christian couples on how to improve their marriages.
Both authors are sensitive to the fact that many (both men and women) have been wounded and misled in this area. Debra states, “We can feel positive about sex only when we begin to understand the factors that have shaped our beliefs and expectations along the way and then learn to replace false beliefs with God’s truth about sex.”
What specifically stands out to me after reading this book is how both husband and wife are responsible for their own sexual expectations and healing within marriage. Additionally, both can contribute lovingly, gently, tenderly, and compassionately towards the growth of each other in this area. After 40 plus years of marriage I can attest to the fact that my husband and I are both still learning to navigate the subject of sex. I appreciate the perspective that Thomas and Fileta bring to the subject. Highly Recommended!!
Both authors are sensitive to the fact that many (both men and women) have been wounded and misled in this area. Debra states, “We can feel positive about sex only when we begin to understand the factors that have shaped our beliefs and expectations along the way and then learn to replace false beliefs with God’s truth about sex.”
What specifically stands out to me after reading this book is how both husband and wife are responsible for their own sexual expectations and healing within marriage. Additionally, both can contribute lovingly, gently, tenderly, and compassionately towards the growth of each other in this area. After 40 plus years of marriage I can attest to the fact that my husband and I are both still learning to navigate the subject of sex. I appreciate the perspective that Thomas and Fileta bring to the subject. Highly Recommended!!
September 4, 2022
I’m a Protestant pastor. I went into this book trying to find more resources to provide couples that I would counsel as their officiant. Although I knew this book would likely be recommended in specific individual circumstances, I wanted to give this a read as I really liked Gary’s book on marriage.
I found this to be informative in a lot of practical physical advice for a couple who may have never had sex before, but to be a shade of not blatantly coercive in some Of it’s writings about being willing to “sacrifice” for your partner when you’re not in the mood. when it comes to sex, to me, that doesn’t cut it.
Unfortunately, this is one I cannot recommend to even a friend without a lot of explanation. As much as I loved Gary’s book on marriage, this one is very hard to read with a modern lens.
I found this to be informative in a lot of practical physical advice for a couple who may have never had sex before, but to be a shade of not blatantly coercive in some Of it’s writings about being willing to “sacrifice” for your partner when you’re not in the mood. when it comes to sex, to me, that doesn’t cut it.
Unfortunately, this is one I cannot recommend to even a friend without a lot of explanation. As much as I loved Gary’s book on marriage, this one is very hard to read with a modern lens.
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