Surviving: Why We Stay and How We Leave Abusive Relationships

by Beverly T. Gooden

A revealing look at why domestic violence victims stay with their abusers…and how they can ultimately leave. And survive.

One Saturday morning, Gooden is woken up by her husband shoving her off the bed for no discernible reason.

Despite her quick thinking and even quicker footsteps, her husband catches her, his sudden anger inexplicable. No words are exchanged. He begins to strangle her as he has done many times before.

With unflinching vulnerability, Gooden outlines in painstaking detail what she had to do to walk away and how others can use her experiences to escape their own abuse, from skimming the grocery money, to squirreling away personal belongings, to navigating a domestic violence shelter. She offers strategies for overcoming the barriers survivors often face, such as money, housing, overcritical social circles, or, most powerfully: love. Uniquely compassionate when it comes to the heartbreak of still loving one’s abuser, Gooden shares how she transformed and extended this love outward, using her story to encourage others to choose themselves. The voice and fire behind #WhyIStayed, Bev Gooden is exceptionally positioned to explore the many reasons victims stay in abusive relationships, and how they can muster the resources and motivation to leave.

Surviving is unlike any memoir of survivorship, given its nuance, compassion, and candor. Above all, it is an exquisitely powerful testament to Gooden’s healing, survivorship, and dedication to helping others do the same.

Genres: Nonfiction, Abuse

240 pages, Hardcover

Published June 5, 2022

About the author

Bev Gooden is an artist, writer, and creator of the viral social media movement, #WhyIStayed. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, the Washington Post, and Time. She has been interviewed on Good Morning America, NPR’s On Point, and All Things Considered, among other outlets. She lives in Houston, TX.

Reviews

[reading rabbit · Rating 5 out of 5]

there are so many narratives about experiencing and escaping abuse, and those are important for readers and writers alike, but i have been so wanting books that talk about the struggle that comes after the more dramatic parts, when it’s finally quiet and the abuser is gone, and it’s just the survivor and their wounds. in addition to sharing an account of her experience with domestic violence, gooden writes so honestly and so compassionately about the rocky and sometimes ugly journey that a survivor is still on even when they are technically safe. i am tremendously grateful for people who share stories like this and in doing so show other survivors that the story doesn’t end when they have gotten away, that it’s not abnormal to still be hurting when nothing is technically still hurting them, that their learned survival techniques may (or may not) become hurtful behaviors in new relationships, that they will need to re-learn many ways of being in the world, that the abuse they experienced isn’t the only part of the story worth telling. i had plenty of abuse stories to compare mine to while i was going through it, but beginning to heal made me feel profoundly alone and eerily as though i was living through nonexistent chapters after the end of a book. the stories survivors choose to tell are entirely up to the survivors themselves, but in my personal opinion i think we should treat this part of our experience with as much importance and tenderness as we do the traumatic events themselves. i am so glad to have read this book and grateful for beverly gooden’s reflections on her journey after abuse.

[Bron · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate the valuable insight the author has provided. I am a white, middle class female, so consider myself privileged. However, I work with vulnerable individuals who cannot always identify, or articulate how the barriers they face - i.e. interpersonal violence and obtaining safe accommodation, are compounded for intersectional community, and the systemic racism entrenched in services. The author has presented a thoughtful, interesting, coherent message which has broadened my understanding.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A clearly written book that every domestic abuse survivor should read. I wasn’t particularly as interested in the creation of a hashtag, but I get that that is why some people probably gravitated towards the book.

In particular its audience is black women experiencing physical violence in heterosexual relationships. It only touches on other communities and identities briefly. While I realize that a book cannot be all things to all people I do also wish that emotional abuse was focused on a bit more. If anyone has any books that focus specifically on emotional abuse in relationships I am all ears.

All in all a great book that anyone who has experienced any form of abuse will resonate with. I particularly enjoyed her detailing small things like how to create an escape bag and what to put in it.

[Eleanor Fieldson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had so many beautifully vulnerable parts and it’s so important for stories like this to be shared. But I struggled with the structure of this book, with the timeline moving around between chapters. A story of abuse is a personal story but also a wider societal problem and this book tried to tackle both, however I found that sometimes this meant the author was speaking as if she had an authoritative voice for everyone. But I am pleased I read the book and have a better understanding of domestic abuse.

[Ika Willis · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was quite enjoying this but found it weirdly structured and quite repetitive, but then it turned out that the author had started the #WhyIStayed hashtag on Twitter and a lot of the book was about that and the mixture of "I should be credited and rewarded for my individual actions and intellectual property" with survivor memoir/ thoughts about domestic violence as a structural issue was just too jarring, so I stopped listening.

[rookisaghost · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this for my job and while it is not something I would pick up on my own, I'm glad I read it. In simple language and less than 200 pages, Gooden touches on reasons why someone may stay in an abusive relationship, warning signs, and strategies for escape and recovery and reclamation, all with respect and nuance, prioritizing victim/survivor autonomy and the uniqueness of each person's individual journey.

[Jane Song · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really great book from a very strong woman who is using her voice to speak out about domestic violence, from her perspective. It's a little one-dimensional at times since it is just her own perspective, and sometimes it reads like a friend giving another one some generic encouragement, but overall a great read.

[Daisy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful, vulnerable, and inspiring. I like to read about domestic violence to educate myself and I felt that this book did that.

I also appreciated how vulnerable the author was even speaking on how she has hurt people herself due to the trauma she endured. I think that’s a brave assessment to make and share.

[Kassandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a powerful woman full of insight and direction for anyone who has the misfortune of being in an abusive relationship but also for people who care about those in abusive relationships. If you’ve ever wondered why the cycle of abuse is a cycle then I think you should read this book.

[Kelsey Beerbower Oliver · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. It began as a moving, well-written chronicle about the complexities and dynamics of abuse. I wish it had stayed on the path. Once it devolved into a full blown commentary about every modern day social justice cause, I decided to put it away.

[Stefennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beverley talks about living through domestic violence at the hands of her husband and how she set about getting free.

[Shannon Francis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely changed me. I would recommend to adults but not children

[Shannon Rickert · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a hard read. There really truly needs to be more out there for men and women that have to deal with any type of abuse in their lives. You are strong, you can do this, you are enough!

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

read this because it’s dv awareness month, quick and informative!