This one broke me... a wonderful read.
Some deep expressions can become difficult when you don't realize just how traumatic your childhood was... Looking back, it's easier to express and remember the positives of your formative years. Better (convenient) to repress the destructive ones. The ones that took the actual range of the situation. The ones buried deep. The ones that really shaped you. The ones that twisted you up, like the wire barbs on a fence.
The thing about humans is, as we age, we tend to slowly drop the dark memories, and focus on the present. So naturally the negatives get regulated to a corner of your brain's landscape... surrounded by barbed wire and do not enter signs. Signs reading: Trespassers will be shot on sight. On one side is, happy and endless fields. Ready for development. On the other is the insidious and murky swamp. Devoid of habitation. Slowly, that parcel of land gets smaller. You start selling off those fucked up pieces, making room for new and happier memories. However, there are a few that instead of relinquishing there plot, they sprout tall posts and hang above the land on billboards. Ones that as your driving through life, you periodically see, and it ruins your damn day. Week. Year. Years. Sometimes, you're on your phone and blow right past them. Sometimes you take the scenic route, and avoid them. Sometimes you're in the car with a loved one, and don't even notice them. Most of the time however, you pretend that they aren't even there. Though you know they are there... Hovering right above you. Shouting their fucked up message, regardless of how fast you try and fly by. You know the words written upon them by heart... You've already lived and stared into that void. That eyesore, remains in your mind whether conscious or subconscious. It has imparted on you, information that can never be unlearned.
I had started to survey the land in my mind a few months back. When I came upon the fenced off area, I crawled into the "no mans land" and took a look around. As I expected it was a bleak dark place. One I immediately wanted to leave. I stayed though, longer than I wanted to for sure. I left after it got too much to bear (or bare). Then I read this book. It gave me a flashlight and the courage to explore the darkest recesses of that swamp. It gave me the wherewithal to stare up at those billboards. I read them. Deciphered them. Then accepted them... They've been shrinking as of late. I've since took down the barbwire barrier I used to enclose them with too. The billboards have become just small signs on the side of the road. Just like the ones you see reading "Vote Tim Jamieson for Sheriff" or "Garage Sale on Needless Street." It's much better... but they will always be there. I know they will be.
This book tugged at my heartstrings. It had the fantasy elements I've always hid in, and the elements of raw emotion I thrive and LIVE in. It has become another catalyst for positive change in me. I'm grateful everyday, for everything I've loved and experienced. The good and the bad.