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Valentine van Velt is Dead
WHAT: A story told over the course of eight weeks in a mental health program, by an anonymous, over-opinionated, self-admittedly unreliable narrator. A story about…
WHO: Valentine van Velt, a sour-faced seventeen-year-old trust fund baby who’s just been kicked out of private school… for the third time. Now they’re headed to New York City, on the trail of a seventeen-year-old family secret…
THE CATCH: In four days, Valentine van Velt is going to get murdered. But don’t worry. If you take the narrator’s word for it, they probably deserve it.
WHO: Valentine van Velt, a sour-faced seventeen-year-old trust fund baby who’s just been kicked out of private school… for the third time. Now they’re headed to New York City, on the trail of a seventeen-year-old family secret…
THE CATCH: In four days, Valentine van Velt is going to get murdered. But don’t worry. If you take the narrator’s word for it, they probably deserve it.
133 pages, ebook
Published January 1, 2021
1 person is currently reading
37 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
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December 17, 2021professionalizing this review for posterity. in my 2021 reads because i sure did read it. and so can you! right here! J.D. Salinger please text me back
June 26, 2021
books that permanently altered my brain chemistry. max you are a GENIUS and this is genuinely one of the best depictions of ocd and other mental health problems and being a teenager i've ever read. and the character work and narration is also FANTASTIC. i'd die for you <3
March 24, 2021
I can't. Express coherently how badly I needed this book but max just know I'd fucking die for you and I'm SO excited to read the rest of ur books cause this did me in dude. Dude.
November 7, 2022
Jesus fuck I don't even know how to review this.
Do you ever just sit there reading something and then have to pause and put it down and go "....[insert words ranging from "yeah-" to "fuck-" here]" ? Do you ever read a book and have the sensation of having everything you've ever felt plucked out of you like a chicken? Do you ever have to blink back tears because finally, someone put it into words?
I haven't felt like this since I read The Catcher in the Rye for the first time. It wouldn't really be hyperbolic to say that was a whole different world because, you know. everything that has happened since October of 2019. It's nice to know I can feel like this still, is all. On a selfish note, the narration style reminded me of my current project and that made me very happy since I love that sort of narrator.
I'm bad at positive reviews. I never know what to say, but I do know that this is hands-down one of the best books I've ever read. Admittedly, Max is one of my coolest Goodreads friends but I think that it's fair to say that I think he's got that sort of one-in-a-generation talent even overlooking that.
Do you ever just sit there reading something and then have to pause and put it down and go "....[insert words ranging from "yeah-" to "fuck-" here]" ? Do you ever read a book and have the sensation of having everything you've ever felt plucked out of you like a chicken? Do you ever have to blink back tears because finally, someone put it into words?
I haven't felt like this since I read The Catcher in the Rye for the first time. It wouldn't really be hyperbolic to say that was a whole different world because, you know. everything that has happened since October of 2019. It's nice to know I can feel like this still, is all. On a selfish note, the narration style reminded me of my current project and that made me very happy since I love that sort of narrator.
I'm bad at positive reviews. I never know what to say, but I do know that this is hands-down one of the best books I've ever read. Admittedly, Max is one of my coolest Goodreads friends but I think that it's fair to say that I think he's got that sort of one-in-a-generation talent even overlooking that.
June 26, 2021
max i'm gonna kill you for rewiring my brain chemistry like this. who gave you the right /aff
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June 12, 2024Reviewer v. Goose-Books.
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
REVIEWER,
Plaintiff,
v.
MAXIMILLIAN THEODORE FRANCISCOVICH "GOOSE-BOOKS"
Defendant.
CASE NO: 21
COMPLAINT FOR INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
INTRODUCTION
1. Plaintiff, REVIEWER, brings this action against Defendant, GOOSE-BOOKS, seeking damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress arising from the publication of a book authored by Defendant.
PARTIES
1. Plaintiff, REVIEWER, is an individual residing on GOODREADS.
2. Defendant, GOOSE-BOOKS, is a wet horse-hoofed weasel of an author who wrote this Catcher in the Rye ass book to inflict emotional harm on me personally
FACTUAL ALLEGATIONS
1. Plaintiff alleges that Defendant intentionally inflicted emotional distress upon me by publishing a book that contained excessively painful and mentally destructive content, such as:
a. more Billy Joel songs than anybody ever asked to know about
b. roughly 3 hot takes per page
c. nonbinarism. frankly isn't that enough
d. Becq. what if I died after this book killed me
e. descriptions of emotion that form a better diagnostic criteria than the fucking Yale-Brown Scales
f. https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EJL4oj7WoAEiK2Y.jpg
2. The book, titled "VALENTINE VAN VELDT IS DEAD," authored by Defendant, was released sequentially on Tumblr, where you should go read it right now.
3. Plaintiff contends that the content of the book made me want to blow up
LEGAL CLAIMS
1. Plaintiff asserts a cause of action for intentional infliction of emotional distress against Defendant, based on the following grounds:
a. Defendant intentionally published a book that was good;
b. Defendant knew or should have known that the publication would cause severe emotional distress to his poor fucking readers;
c. The actions of Defendant were extreme and outrageous, exceeding the bounds of decency accepted outside of a psych ward (spoilers); and
d. As a direct and proximate result of Defendant's intentional conduct, Plaintiff suffered severe emotional distress.
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
10. Plaintiff prays for the following relief:
a. Compensatory damages for the severe emotional distress suffered by Plaintiff;
b. Punitive damages to deter Defendant and others from engaging in similar conduct in the future;
c. Injunctive relief preventing further distribution of the book containing this raw as hell fucked up shit;
d. Attorneys' fees and costs incurred in bringing this action;
e. for the author's dick to be sucked sloppy-style; and
f. Such other relief as the Court deems just and proper.
DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL
1. Plaintiff demands a trial by jury on all issues so triable.
DATED: 12/22/23
IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE UNITED STATES
REVIEWER,
Plaintiff,
v.
MAXIMILLIAN THEODORE FRANCISCOVICH "GOOSE-BOOKS"
Defendant.
CASE NO: 21
COMPLAINT FOR INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EMOTIONAL DISTRESS
INTRODUCTION
1. Plaintiff, REVIEWER, brings this action against Defendant, GOOSE-BOOKS, seeking damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress arising from the publication of a book authored by Defendant.
PARTIES
1. Plaintiff, REVIEWER, is an individual residing on GOODREADS.
2. Defendant, GOOSE-BOOKS, is a wet horse-hoofed weasel of an author who wrote this Catcher in the Rye ass book to inflict emotional harm on me personally
FACTUAL ALLEGATIONS
1. Plaintiff alleges that Defendant intentionally inflicted emotional distress upon me by publishing a book that contained excessively painful and mentally destructive content, such as:
a. more Billy Joel songs than anybody ever asked to know about
b. roughly 3 hot takes per page
c. nonbinarism. frankly isn't that enough
d. Becq. what if I died after this book killed me
e. descriptions of emotion that form a better diagnostic criteria than the fucking Yale-Brown Scales
f. https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EJL4oj7WoAEiK2Y.jpg
2. The book, titled "VALENTINE VAN VELDT IS DEAD," authored by Defendant, was released sequentially on Tumblr, where you should go read it right now.
3. Plaintiff contends that the content of the book made me want to blow up
LEGAL CLAIMS
1. Plaintiff asserts a cause of action for intentional infliction of emotional distress against Defendant, based on the following grounds:
a. Defendant intentionally published a book that was good;
b. Defendant knew or should have known that the publication would cause severe emotional distress to his poor fucking readers;
c. The actions of Defendant were extreme and outrageous, exceeding the bounds of decency accepted outside of a psych ward (spoilers); and
d. As a direct and proximate result of Defendant's intentional conduct, Plaintiff suffered severe emotional distress.
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
10. Plaintiff prays for the following relief:
a. Compensatory damages for the severe emotional distress suffered by Plaintiff;
b. Punitive damages to deter Defendant and others from engaging in similar conduct in the future;
c. Injunctive relief preventing further distribution of the book containing this raw as hell fucked up shit;
d. Attorneys' fees and costs incurred in bringing this action;
e. for the author's dick to be sucked sloppy-style; and
f. Such other relief as the Court deems just and proper.
DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL
1. Plaintiff demands a trial by jury on all issues so triable.
DATED: 12/22/23
March 23, 2021
MAX I LOVE YOU. EATS THIS BOOK.
June 6, 2021
the design of valentine is so perfect it gives me marina vibes
June 18, 2023
Absolutely timeless. Heart-wrenching and delicious and makes me want to burst into tears. It's Frankenstein, it's Fight Club, it's A Streetcar Named Desire, it's a beautiful dichotomy of health and persona and the sick, sick romance of your own mind.
EDIT after 2023 reread: It's not very often I use the word "fulfilling" to describe a book- it's just not the kind of thing I think really applies. This book changes that. From start to finish there is a concrete sense of growth that leaves the reader feeling completely content at the end.
Once you get past the unique style of narration and into the mindset of a mentally ill 17 year old, the book becomes a unique dive into that psyche from a 2nd person pov, literally putting yourself into the character's shoes.
There's something very coherent about this book- the way one thought leads directly to another, even while catastrophizing. It just makes sense.
EDIT after 2023 reread: It's not very often I use the word "fulfilling" to describe a book- it's just not the kind of thing I think really applies. This book changes that. From start to finish there is a concrete sense of growth that leaves the reader feeling completely content at the end.
Once you get past the unique style of narration and into the mindset of a mentally ill 17 year old, the book becomes a unique dive into that psyche from a 2nd person pov, literally putting yourself into the character's shoes.
There's something very coherent about this book- the way one thought leads directly to another, even while catastrophizing. It just makes sense.
November 7, 2022
This is one of THE best books I have ever read and I think about it!!! So much!!!!! It was clever and wittily narrated and made me cry a bit (okay. I cried like the baby I am) and unlocked shrimp emotions I definitely didn't know I could feel and just. I think this is one of those books that everyone needs to read because it's important and powerful and just. I love you VVV and I love you Max for writing it :)
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews