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Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent
Peaceful parenting is hard enough for the average parent. Imagine trying to do it when you have the instincts of a tiger mother.
In Untigering , Iris Chen shares her journey of leaving behind authoritarian tiger parenting to embrace a respectful, relational way of raising children. As a Chinese American mom, she draws from her experiences of living in both North America and Asia and offers insights and practices
Iris calls for a radical shift from parenting that is rooted in power to one that is grounded in partnership, but she does so with humor, humility, and empathy. This book is her invitation to you to begin your own journey of transformation as a parent.
In Untigering , Iris Chen shares her journey of leaving behind authoritarian tiger parenting to embrace a respectful, relational way of raising children. As a Chinese American mom, she draws from her experiences of living in both North America and Asia and offers insights and practices
Iris calls for a radical shift from parenting that is rooted in power to one that is grounded in partnership, but she does so with humor, humility, and empathy. This book is her invitation to you to begin your own journey of transformation as a parent.
248 pages, Paperback
Published March 13, 2021
158 people are currently reading
728 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
January 6, 2021
I was raised in an authoritarian household and married a man who was as well. I have done a lot of work to read and heal and reflect to be the best I can to show up for my daughter. Even so, this book really hit me; there is so much good information, but mostly importantly, it manages to convey that nonjudgmentally and almost like a conversation with a (very informed) friend.
I'm in an interracial marriage. My husband is an immigrant, and our daughter is biracial. It has been exceedingly hard to find gentle and peaceful parenting authors who aren't white and paint the experience in a eurocentric light. It is so refreshing to see a new perspective out there, to see more voices joining the conversation, and I really think this will help a lot of BIPOC parents find a new way to parent in a way that feels right to them.
It's a pretty quick read (under 200 pages) but packs in a lot of information in a way that is easy to understand. In all of the reading I've done on Intuitive Eating and Division of Responsibility (DOR), nothing clicked as well as the buffet comparison in this book.
"Imagine having buffet... every single day... At some point—a few days, weeks, or even months into this initial stage of reckless consumption—you reach an equilibrium. Instead of sampling everything or piling your plate precariously high, you learn to take only the things that your body is craving."
There are a ton of great quotes and nuggets throughout that really made things click, but the author also keeps it real and recognizes she (and we - ALL parents) is not perfect. I think this is another problem that is often glossed over just to explain repair, but it really gets enough attention here in order to eliminate the shame around not being gentle and peaceful and respectful 100% of the time. It's almost like being able to talk to a friend who you can trust enough to be candid in sharing your parenting experience.
I'll leave off with some of my favorite quotes:
"So many of our stripes are actually the scars left behind by our wounds. They aren’t an inherent part of us; they are trauma responses... In order to change our stripes, we need to change our mind about ourselves."
"We can make all their decisions for them now
and hope that they’ll grow up to make good ones themselves. Or we can trust them with freedom now under our loving guidance."
"Parenting with an anti-oppression lens means that we do not overstep our bounds and colonize our children’s lives with our own dreams and definitions of success... Liking ourselves, liking what we do, and liking how we do it—this is a kind of success that is expansive rather than limiting, freeing rather than burdensome, inclusive rather than exclusive. It’s a definition that says there is no one definition. We each get to define and redefine what success looks like for ourselves."
I'm in an interracial marriage. My husband is an immigrant, and our daughter is biracial. It has been exceedingly hard to find gentle and peaceful parenting authors who aren't white and paint the experience in a eurocentric light. It is so refreshing to see a new perspective out there, to see more voices joining the conversation, and I really think this will help a lot of BIPOC parents find a new way to parent in a way that feels right to them.
It's a pretty quick read (under 200 pages) but packs in a lot of information in a way that is easy to understand. In all of the reading I've done on Intuitive Eating and Division of Responsibility (DOR), nothing clicked as well as the buffet comparison in this book.
"Imagine having buffet... every single day... At some point—a few days, weeks, or even months into this initial stage of reckless consumption—you reach an equilibrium. Instead of sampling everything or piling your plate precariously high, you learn to take only the things that your body is craving."
There are a ton of great quotes and nuggets throughout that really made things click, but the author also keeps it real and recognizes she (and we - ALL parents) is not perfect. I think this is another problem that is often glossed over just to explain repair, but it really gets enough attention here in order to eliminate the shame around not being gentle and peaceful and respectful 100% of the time. It's almost like being able to talk to a friend who you can trust enough to be candid in sharing your parenting experience.
I'll leave off with some of my favorite quotes:
"So many of our stripes are actually the scars left behind by our wounds. They aren’t an inherent part of us; they are trauma responses... In order to change our stripes, we need to change our mind about ourselves."
"We can make all their decisions for them now
and hope that they’ll grow up to make good ones themselves. Or we can trust them with freedom now under our loving guidance."
"Parenting with an anti-oppression lens means that we do not overstep our bounds and colonize our children’s lives with our own dreams and definitions of success... Liking ourselves, liking what we do, and liking how we do it—this is a kind of success that is expansive rather than limiting, freeing rather than burdensome, inclusive rather than exclusive. It’s a definition that says there is no one definition. We each get to define and redefine what success looks like for ourselves."
April 7, 2021
A MUST READ for every. single. parent. ever. Especially if you grew up with a tiger parent. Such a healing, inspiring guidebook.
January 22, 2022
What an eye opening book! I would never have said I was raised in an authoritarian household or described my parenting style that way but the way Iris Chen breaks down even the small interactions we have with our children it really opens your eyes to how we really treat kids and she actually gives advice on how to do it differently. It’s made me see and reframe my interactions with my son differently even in the few weeks of having read this. I also appreciate her ability to link parenting to larger societal issues and that if we do things right and work together we can actually have an impact. Very important read!
January 29, 2022
I need to reread this. There is so much good information. If your goal is to be a gentle/peaceful parent, you need this book on your shelf. Highly recommend.
January 29, 2024
I might have had a misfit on expectations going into this book, because I've found a lot of the nuggets from the Untigering Facebook/Instagram account to be really thought-provoking and insightful, but I was unfortunately mostly disappointed by this book. There were parts that made me feel aligned philosophically on parenting (see quotes below).
However, the organization didn't make a lot of sense to me, nor was it necessarily tied together by a chronological personal narrative. I thought there could have been a more in-depth dive into the cultural values and history that lead to "tiger parenting" and honestly Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother does a better job of illuminating that mindset, before going through advice on how to break away from it to forge a different path and not pass on generational trauma. I also rolled my eyes a bit at the politics in the last couple of chapters. It's a bummer, because I had really been looking forward to learning a lot more in this book.
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"We can create compliant children this way—strong-arming them into obedience through fear—but we will never have their hearts. Rethinking misbehavior requires us to stop dividing behaviors into good and bad. By framing all behaviors as attempts to get needs met, we can begin to approach our kids with understanding and compassion instead of judgment and control. We can teach them to express themselves in ways that more effectively achieve their goals, solve their problems, and fulfill their needs."
"Strict tiger parenting may therefore lead to controlled children, but not necessarily self-controlled children... or adults."
"Imagine having buffet... every single day. Like any good Asian who wants to get their money’s worth, you probably start off bingeing on all the sushi, prime rib, and crab legs. You stay away from the salad bar and bread that will waste your precious gastric real estate."
"No matter their specific needs, I still believe it is never our job to control our kids. Instead, we can control the environment so that they can practice their autonomy in ways that are safe and responsible."
"A dispassionate “Not bad” was the equivalent of him doing backflips."
"Unfortunately, our investment into our children too often fails to translate into connection with them. Connection is the bond that develops when you are known and valued; a deep sense of being seen, safe, soothed, and secure.47 Sadly, I’d venture to say that few of us grew up with this kind of strong emotional attachment to our parents. We might have felt love and appreciation for them, but connection? Likely not. When it comes to our own children, we lack models and examples of how to build connection beyond cooking food and providing for basic needs."
“When you want people to feel like they belong to one another, to a place, to a bigger story, they have to feel like they’re co-creating it, not just consuming it.”
However, the organization didn't make a lot of sense to me, nor was it necessarily tied together by a chronological personal narrative. I thought there could have been a more in-depth dive into the cultural values and history that lead to "tiger parenting" and honestly Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother does a better job of illuminating that mindset, before going through advice on how to break away from it to forge a different path and not pass on generational trauma. I also rolled my eyes a bit at the politics in the last couple of chapters. It's a bummer, because I had really been looking forward to learning a lot more in this book.
========================
"We can create compliant children this way—strong-arming them into obedience through fear—but we will never have their hearts. Rethinking misbehavior requires us to stop dividing behaviors into good and bad. By framing all behaviors as attempts to get needs met, we can begin to approach our kids with understanding and compassion instead of judgment and control. We can teach them to express themselves in ways that more effectively achieve their goals, solve their problems, and fulfill their needs."
"Strict tiger parenting may therefore lead to controlled children, but not necessarily self-controlled children... or adults."
"Imagine having buffet... every single day. Like any good Asian who wants to get their money’s worth, you probably start off bingeing on all the sushi, prime rib, and crab legs. You stay away from the salad bar and bread that will waste your precious gastric real estate."
"No matter their specific needs, I still believe it is never our job to control our kids. Instead, we can control the environment so that they can practice their autonomy in ways that are safe and responsible."
"A dispassionate “Not bad” was the equivalent of him doing backflips."
"Unfortunately, our investment into our children too often fails to translate into connection with them. Connection is the bond that develops when you are known and valued; a deep sense of being seen, safe, soothed, and secure.47 Sadly, I’d venture to say that few of us grew up with this kind of strong emotional attachment to our parents. We might have felt love and appreciation for them, but connection? Likely not. When it comes to our own children, we lack models and examples of how to build connection beyond cooking food and providing for basic needs."
“When you want people to feel like they belong to one another, to a place, to a bigger story, they have to feel like they’re co-creating it, not just consuming it.”
July 18, 2025
Reading Untigering by Iris Chen felt like both a mirror and a balm—a courageous, necessary reminder that the power and wisdom we seek often already live within us. As a child-free leader and daughter of a Tiger Ma navigating generational and multi-cultural complexity, Chen’s words offered me language for something I’ve long sensed: that connection, not control, is what allows us—and those we support—to thrive.
Her invitation to shift from evaluation to inquiry resonated deeply. In my own journey, and in Sun Shining on Morning Snow, I write about the cost of aiming to please, the toll of being shaped by judgment rather than seen through curiosity and compassion. Chen challenges us, with grace and clarity, to become experts of ourselves—attuned to our bodies, our emotional landscapes, and the roots of our reactivity.
As leaders of organizations and teams, families and/or communities, we can offer something transformative: consistent engagement, nonjudgmental witnessing, and loving presence that communicates trust in others’ process and innate competence. In that trust, we offer a soft landing for people—especially the next generation—to grow into their own significance and power.
Chen’s reflections on connection, competence, and choice as fundamental needs mirror my own values in leadership and storytelling. I, too, have had to bend: to face temporary estrangement from my parents in order to understand our family’s trauma, to write bravely into silence, to choose compassion over resentment, and to begin shedding the tiger stripes imposed on me.
"You are seen. You are known. You are loved.” This quote from Untigering echoes in my heart as I continue living a brave, honest, and connected life—one that dares to challenge the status quo and invite wholeness, for myself and for those I serve.
Her invitation to shift from evaluation to inquiry resonated deeply. In my own journey, and in Sun Shining on Morning Snow, I write about the cost of aiming to please, the toll of being shaped by judgment rather than seen through curiosity and compassion. Chen challenges us, with grace and clarity, to become experts of ourselves—attuned to our bodies, our emotional landscapes, and the roots of our reactivity.
As leaders of organizations and teams, families and/or communities, we can offer something transformative: consistent engagement, nonjudgmental witnessing, and loving presence that communicates trust in others’ process and innate competence. In that trust, we offer a soft landing for people—especially the next generation—to grow into their own significance and power.
Chen’s reflections on connection, competence, and choice as fundamental needs mirror my own values in leadership and storytelling. I, too, have had to bend: to face temporary estrangement from my parents in order to understand our family’s trauma, to write bravely into silence, to choose compassion over resentment, and to begin shedding the tiger stripes imposed on me.
"You are seen. You are known. You are loved.” This quote from Untigering echoes in my heart as I continue living a brave, honest, and connected life—one that dares to challenge the status quo and invite wholeness, for myself and for those I serve.
February 1, 2022
The most useful parenting book I have read, with practical tips without scripts and such to remember. Lots of big picture ideas that are easy to connect to in real life with my kids. I highly recommend this book if you have kids in your life.
September 15, 2022
I heard of this book through social media, and I definitely was intrigued as I had stereotypical tiger parents. Despite the fact this is a parenting book and I've chosen not to have kids as of now, I figured this book would be a good read to help heal my inner child. And boy, was I right! I found myself screaming through the rooftops with everything Iris Chen was saying regarding why Tiger Parenting doesn't work for kids. I felt seen and heard throughout the whole book as it reminded me a lot of my own childhood, and if I were to ever change my mind about kids in the future what I'd do differently as a parent.
Regardless if you want kids or not, I recommend this book to anyone who is looking to heal from their traditional, Asian family structure. Even reading about Chen's parenting techniques was validation for me that there are better ways to parent your child by connecting with them on a deeper level.
I don't have a lot of negative feedback for this book, but I guess my only con for this one would be that Chen does throw in a couple of Chinese words here and there in the book in Chinese characters. Sometimes she doesn't offer the English definition or pinyin for these words, and it does feel a bit non-inclusive to some Chinese people like me where I do not speak, read, or write Chinese (Cantonese to be specific). I wish Chen kept in mind that not every Chinese American has fluency in Chinese, and perhaps maybe offered a pinyin or English translations for each of the terms. Unfortunately for me, I didn't grow up in a household where speaking Cantonese was a priority and I didn't have the resources for it growing up. Overall, it's still a wonderful, healing book to read for any child of a tiger parent. I cannot recommend it highly enough!
Regardless if you want kids or not, I recommend this book to anyone who is looking to heal from their traditional, Asian family structure. Even reading about Chen's parenting techniques was validation for me that there are better ways to parent your child by connecting with them on a deeper level.
I don't have a lot of negative feedback for this book, but I guess my only con for this one would be that Chen does throw in a couple of Chinese words here and there in the book in Chinese characters. Sometimes she doesn't offer the English definition or pinyin for these words, and it does feel a bit non-inclusive to some Chinese people like me where I do not speak, read, or write Chinese (Cantonese to be specific). I wish Chen kept in mind that not every Chinese American has fluency in Chinese, and perhaps maybe offered a pinyin or English translations for each of the terms. Unfortunately for me, I didn't grow up in a household where speaking Cantonese was a priority and I didn't have the resources for it growing up. Overall, it's still a wonderful, healing book to read for any child of a tiger parent. I cannot recommend it highly enough!
January 16, 2021
This book is such a worthwhile read for so many reasons. A much needed POC perspective on parenting which addresses both Chinese and Western cultures. A personal story of the author's upbringing and her childrearing that flowed out of that framework, why she felt the need to completely change her parenting approach, and how that transformation has played out in the life of her family. An emphasis on the readers' need to address, understand, and find healing in their own stories so that they can pursue wholehearted living together with their children.
"This book is written through this anti-oppression and social justice lens and thus goes beyond simply redefining success and education. It seeks to honor a child’s autonomy in every area of their lives. It recognizes the unequal power and dominance that characterizes the way we often engage with children and challenges that “adultism”—exposing the ways we oppress children and then justify our domination over them. My hope is that this book will help us change our view of children and teach us to see them as human beings worthy of the same respect we ourselves expect to receive."
"This book is written through this anti-oppression and social justice lens and thus goes beyond simply redefining success and education. It seeks to honor a child’s autonomy in every area of their lives. It recognizes the unequal power and dominance that characterizes the way we often engage with children and challenges that “adultism”—exposing the ways we oppress children and then justify our domination over them. My hope is that this book will help us change our view of children and teach us to see them as human beings worthy of the same respect we ourselves expect to receive."
May 15, 2021
This book is fantastic. It has helped me to challenge the notions of parenting that I have been handed by my own upbringing and culture and envision a new way of doing things. Chen's vision for parenting is both radical and sensical and I've already seen a shift in how I parent as I've read this book. Chen doesn't make clear her own religious affiliation, but her book seems much more aligned with gospel principles than explicitly Christian parenting books that I've read. I think this is a book that all parents should read, especially if they feel what they are doing just isn't working. Chen offers a very different view of parenting that is so much more holistic, honoring, and peaceful than what many of us were raised with.
June 24, 2021
Because I can choose a better path...
Iris Chen has captured so much of my experience as she talks about the ways in which she was parented. That was a surprise for me since she was raised by Asian parents and I am a Southern American Black Woman. There is so much power in discovering you are not alone in your desire to break the toxic cycles you had not even previously been able to define. Universally, we want better for or children than we had for ourselves. This book is better than an instructional manual in the sense that it helps us as parents take a look at what we are carrying, what we actually believe, and how we can make our own choices in order to raise our children who are safe, health, happy, and whole. @modernblackmommy
Iris Chen has captured so much of my experience as she talks about the ways in which she was parented. That was a surprise for me since she was raised by Asian parents and I am a Southern American Black Woman. There is so much power in discovering you are not alone in your desire to break the toxic cycles you had not even previously been able to define. Universally, we want better for or children than we had for ourselves. This book is better than an instructional manual in the sense that it helps us as parents take a look at what we are carrying, what we actually believe, and how we can make our own choices in order to raise our children who are safe, health, happy, and whole. @modernblackmommy
January 18, 2021
This is the first parenting book that I could completely relate to. It forced me to reflect on my past and see how my own experiences really do impact my parenting style - both consciously and sub-consciously. The book is easy to read and well laid out. I read the eBook version first and basically highlighted something on every page! Now I need to get my hands on a paper copy, so I can continue to reference this book throughout my parenting journey - especially during the times when I lose my way... Congratulations and thank you to Iris Chen for this book!
January 16, 2021
There are more than enough words of wisdoms and affirmations in Chen's book, sprinkled with stories of how and why she 'changed her stripes' and founded an untigering movement of peaceful parenting. Though there are parts that I fully understood and lived as child of immigrants and an immigrant herself raising first generation babies, the overall theme and commitment is universal: how to overcome the childhood chains that made us restrictive and defensive, and become flexible to our kids' needs and have a positive influence in their lives and those around us.
March 18, 2024
As a indonesian chinese, this book really helps me identify my own value, seeing comparation between chinese diaspore in indonesia and american, and learning that theres a alternative way of parenting, rather than my own gifted way.
This book is a little different than some conventional parenting book. Im really touched by the way the writer humbly write that "im a clumsy tiger mom who still learn to untigering too". " Untigering is a process", and i think i would like to be part of that proccess too. I am part of this untigering team from now, since my age at 21🙌
This book is a little different than some conventional parenting book. Im really touched by the way the writer humbly write that "im a clumsy tiger mom who still learn to untigering too". " Untigering is a process", and i think i would like to be part of that proccess too. I am part of this untigering team from now, since my age at 21🙌
Read
June 25, 2025I love the peaceful parenting approach laid out in this book. I didn’t agree with every detail discussed - like letting kids decide whether to nap, when to go to bed, or how much screen time to have. However, I liked the approach of being aware of the power differential between parent and child, honoring the autonomy of children, offering age-appropriate choices, treating them with respect, and recognizing the validity in their needs and wants.
January 13, 2021
I read the ebook and loved it so much that I got the paper copy (two copies) so that I can go through it with a highlighter to capture all the gems and one to share with a friend. Growing up in an authoritarian household, I could relate to many of the stories and I am learning to heal from my wounds and encourages me continue my own untigering journey.
January 16, 2021
Peaceful parenting
I feel very called to peaceful parenting and I love the connection to a larger context of social change and justice. I love the word untigering, an active word that allows for continual growth
I feel very called to peaceful parenting and I love the connection to a larger context of social change and justice. I love the word untigering, an active word that allows for continual growth
January 13, 2021
Excellent. Read it.
January 21, 2021
Fast read with some good aha moments
This was a very fast read that can introduce you to the ideas behind positive parenting without too deep of a dive. Highly recommend!
This was a very fast read that can introduce you to the ideas behind positive parenting without too deep of a dive. Highly recommend!
April 2, 2021
This should be required reading for every parent. Super easy to read, well researched, and it asks poignant questions about how you were raised and whether you want that for your child or not.
January 5, 2024
After following this author's content for some time on her Instagram, I was excited to finally get to read it, but whew. It was a hard read. Throughout are prompts to slow down and consider the content and how I can learn to heal so as not further inflict trauma on the next generation. It written from the perspective of an Asian American, which is refreshing to see more resources available, but even still it's meant for anyone. Anyone who is curious what it means to parent peacefully (NOT passively), to view children (and our own inner child) with a gentleness that may be "countercultural". Because, at least for me and my worldview (as in the author doesn't say this), that is the Jesus way. Gentleness, peace, and a great depth of love. I highly recommend this book for parents and caregivers and those working with children in some capacity; it is enlightening and hopeful (and healing. It took me a while due to having to grieve and pause much).
November 12, 2023
I don’t subscribe to parenting “how-to” manuals, because each child is an individual and we need to be responsive to their needs. Which is why this book should be required reading for all of us.
It covers so much in just 209 pages— from building connection with our child to contributing to our wider communities.
If there’s one thing all of us parents have in common, it’s that we all mess up, repeatedly. The ideas shared in this book will guide you in repairing the relationship and nurturing humans who are equipped to participate in the greater community.
It covers so much in just 209 pages— from building connection with our child to contributing to our wider communities.
If there’s one thing all of us parents have in common, it’s that we all mess up, repeatedly. The ideas shared in this book will guide you in repairing the relationship and nurturing humans who are equipped to participate in the greater community.
January 9, 2021
5 stars out of caution, probably a 4 for me, but I can’t tell because I’ve read so many books with similar material lately, so it could be material fatigue.
I will say that reading from an East Asian perspective is helpful for me, personally, and I really welcome her in the talking blonde heads mania that is my instagram story feed.
I will say that reading from an East Asian perspective is helpful for me, personally, and I really welcome her in the talking blonde heads mania that is my instagram story feed.
May 23, 2022
This book does not disappoint! There is a lot to learn not only about our kids but ourselves. It has made my list of parenting books that I recommend to others. Check out the whole list https://informedescapist.com/parentin...
July 23, 2022
The concept and idea of untigering is more compelling and groundbreaking than the actual book writing itself but it is a really good to learn and start to understand all this unlearning that has to happen around our relationship to our children.
Want to read
February 4, 2023Recommended by my therapist…..
December 29, 2022
originally for horrors of kindle unlimited essay but this wasn't that bad actually
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews