A Thousand Goodbyes: The Surprising Life Of A Funeral Celebrant

by Ruth Graham

If you liked Adam Kay’s book, ‘This Is Going To Hurt’, you’ll love the joyously life-affirming memoir, ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’. When Ruth Graham left the world of stand-up comedy to become a funeral celebrant, she’d imagined a less combative career. Over a thousand services later … she knows better. Probably her most demanding role to date, Ruth has needed every ounce of diplomacy, courage, humour and her wits about her to juggle the daily challenges. From grief-stricken families to amorous widowers through to plate-smashing, warring siblings and even a flock of stoned doves at a Rasta funeral. As the story unfolds we witness her new career developing into a 24/7 commitment. Will it break her? Or will it be the spur she needs to get her own life in order? Jaw-dropping, informative, moving and hilarious in turn, ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ is a reminder that nobody is guaranteed a tomorrow; whilst encouraging everyone to seize their day.

154 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 28, 2021

About the author

Author of two books and a world away from the 'other' Ruth Graham (daughter or preaceher Billy Graham); stand-up comedy taught this Ruth the art of observation, and how to turn it into relatable stories. These then found their way into one-woman shows, and short sketches, aimed at tv variety shows in the 1990s.
A short stint working on cruise liners then followed; and a whole random list of other jobs and skills. Depending on your viewpoint, this is a stellar career, or a hiding to nothing. But either way - it's given her much material to draw upon.
Based in the West Midlands, Ruth makes her living as a full-time professional celebrant, as chronicled in her hilarious and touching memoirs.
In her spare time, just like Ed Sheeran's song, she plays fiddle in an Irish band; and walks her ageing terrier Gloria

Reviews

[Bookshortie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The reason I signed up for this blog tour was because this book was different to anything I’d read before. I didn’t know what a funeral celebrant was but when I read that the author moved from stand up comedy to become a celebrant I knew this was going to be a book that I needed to read.

Reading this book I was introduced to the life of a celebrant and what this role is. It was interesting to learn the author’s motivation for becoming a celebrant and the people she interacted with during their journey of grief. Especially as the author comes along at a time in their lives when they are not only grieving the loss of someone close to them but for them time quite literally stands still while they process this loss. In some ways the author comes to the families at a time when they need her and maybe don’t know it. She becomes not only part of the lives of the family who are grieving but also part of the story of the person who has passed because it is through them that a bigger picture unfolds as to the life of the person who has passed, their likes/dislikes, achievements etc. I liked the author’s own stories and the stories of other celebrants at the end of each chapter. Death and funerals can be difficult subjects to talk about but the author has written this in such a way but you don't feel like it's such a taboo subject to talk about.

This was a book that was funny and sad at times, but it was also educational and informative. As strange as it sounds I found the last chapter quite uplifting. I started this book on a Friday afternoon with the intention to read one or two chapters, but that didn't happen because one chapter turned into two and then two turned into three and so on. It was a book I honestly couldn't put down as it was just so absorbing because at the heart of it was the author’s story and the stories of the people that the author has helped. By the time I’d finished the book I had a strange sense of peace. I'm not sure if that was intentional but that's how I felt after I finished reading it. I would highly recommend this book but maybe if you are grieving or have recently lost someone then maybe wait a while before you read this book.

A big thank you to the author for sharing her life and world with every reader that picks up this book.

I received a gifted copy for an honest review

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read the synopsis of ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ and I have to be honest and say that I wasn’t sure that I would be able to enjoy a book that deals with death and funerals. I needn’t have worried though because enjoy this book I did and in a way it was the sort of book I needed to read at that time for reasons which I will explain shortly. I thoroughly enjoyed reading ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ but more about that in a bit.
My review of ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ is going to be slightly different to my usual reviews as this is a non-fiction book and I am going to include a bit more about myself and my experiences and how this book helped me.
I picked up ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ at the right sort of time for me. A few unpleasant anniversaries were fast approaching and I was missing those who are no longer with us so to speak. I lost my father 16 and a bit years ago to leukaemia, which wasn’t diagnosed until he was literally on his death bed, and even now I still have all sorts of questions and conflicting emotions floating around. For me, this book was therapeutic in that it helped me make sense of some of my feelings and it also was very informative as it included a fair amount of detail about procedures that I had known nothing about.
Now you might not think that a book dealing with death, funerals with the occasional family feud added to the mix could possibly be amusing. If you think like that then in this case you would be very wrong. I loved reading about the mishaps and the strange coincidences that brought a bit of humour to what is often a very sad time. I found that I kept chuckling away to myself at reading some of the funeral requests that were made such as the one where a hand appears as the curtains close on the coffin to give the royal wave or the often potentially inappropriate music that families or the deceased request. Again this made me think of my late Dad. As his was a sudden death, he had to go for a post mortem. Well the coroner’s officer rang to give us the results whilst we were stood next to the cold meat counter at Morrisons, which made us chuckle and it would certainly have made Dad chuckle. Before he died, Dad talked about music that he wanted playing at his funeral. His choice was ‘Life’s A Lemon & I Want My Money Back’ by Meatloaf. Let’s just say that although we did play that song to remember him on the day of the funeral, we didn’t dare play it during the funeral as the preacher, of the Methodist Chapel where Dad’s funeral was held, would have probably spontaneously combusted at the sound of Meatloaf telling him to ‘shove it up his bottom’.
‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ is superbly written and then some. Ruth writes about some very difficult subjects but she deals with them in an incredibly compassionate and sensitive way. She grabs your attention from the start and draws you into what proves to be a very informative and touching read.
In short, I thoroughly enjoyed reading ‘A Thousand Goodbyes’ and I definitely recommend that you read it. I can’t wait to read more of Ruth’s work. The score on the Ginger Book Geek board is a very well deserved 5* out of 5*.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are some jobs and occupations that mean seeing a lot of life, and being a funeral celebrant is one of those jobs. Meeting the families and friends of those who have recently suffered a loss can be daunting, but in Ruth’s hands it becomes vivid and even life affirming. Having endured mixed receptions as a stand up comedian, she has encountered tough audiences, unhelpful comments and startling circumstances before; in this book at least people are usually willing to listen, but there is still a large element of the unknown. I have taken a couple of funerals myself, my Vicar husband has taken hundreds, and yes, I have been that family a few times. Ruth manages to take this most basic of urges, to say goodbye, and makes something of it, when the family is fulsome or reticent, providing few details about the deceased beyond the fact that “she liked ironing”. This account is lively and not full of sadness; instead it reflects on the things that can go wrong in a time when the writer is ‘on show’, the human, mechanical and other slip ups that could ruin an event, when the group of people present often do not comment but merely look shocked. Like all books which reflect on a person’s profession there will be points of recognition for common experiences, and sometimes a wince of shared pain. It is not only a solo recitation of varied experiences as Ruth includes short stories by other celebrants of their significant memories, and they are certainly different! This is a memorable book – in the right sense- and I was very interested to read and review it.
One of the many interesting things about this book is to discover that funeral celebrants like Ruth are not necessarily humanists who will not allow any hint of religion in the service. Her abiding rule is that it is for the family to decide what goes into the service. Her job is to take what she is told, even if it proves to be fictional as on one occasion, and make it into a positive experience if at all possible. It does make life difficult when the family or friends have little material to offer, or want to offer tributes that simply take up too much time in a crematorium where each service has its slot which must not be exceeded. There are touching stories of where a family has few material resources to pay for the farewell, as well as those who have the money but not the will to actually spend it. There are funny stories, entertaining tales of the simple logistics of going into family homes where a range of human and pet behaviours come to the fore. It is not a depressing read, if only because of Ruth’s willingness to tell a story, even if it is against herself.
Ruth is keen to point out that having an “ordinary” life is not the point. “In fact, the more funerals I do, the more staggering stories of bravery, evil, hardship, generosity and love, I see. Lives full of drama that you couldn’t make up. It’s the stuff of best sellers!”. For a book with this subject it is a positive book, an admission that while doing her best, and working hard, things may not go quite to plan.
The events of the last months are tackled in the final section. Admitting the difficulty of taking a funeral with a tiny number of people, Ruth points out that she says to families that it is not a show, but an opportunity to mark a loss together without “the eyes of others upon them”. Her final encouragement is “to live your life to the full…and we will find the words.” This is a book that is full of finding the words to describe the most difficult of days, but with a lot of dedication.

[Steph Warren · Rating 4 out of 5]

*I received a free copy of this book with thanks to the author and Rachel Gilbey at Rachel’s Random Resources blog tours. The decision to review and my opinions are my own.*

Ruth Graham tells the fascinating, moving and often funny story of how she chose the role of a funeral celebrant and the many anecdotes (hers and those of others) that resulted from her career choice.

We get the real insider information here on how the whole process works, and an awful lot of insight into the strange and sometimes unpleasant ways people can behave when bereaved. The author pulls no punches and shows us the good, the bad, and the downright obnoxious. But she does it all with a warmth, understanding and compassion that soften even the harshest portraits, reminding us that people can’t always be at their best when faced with their worst experiences.

The tone of the book is consistently light-hearted and humorous – I fully appreciate what a blessing it must be to mourners and celebrant alike, when the celebrant is able to keep their optimism as well as their composure – but never mocking. The deceased and bereaved are treated with a down-to-earth respect and humanity, rather than with sombre deference. Halfway through the book, I suddenly announced to my husband that THIS was how I would like to be remembered when I go and that he should arrange a secular celebrant for my funeral. (He was a bit concerned until I explained which book I was reading!)

In the conclusion, the author reflects on how Covid-19 changed celebrancy and the ways in which we approach loss and mourning. I found it deeply interesting to find that there were positives, as well as the obvious negatives, to some of the changes. But then, it appears that Ruth Graham can find the positives in most things!

This book is fascinating, entertaining, and very easy to read. I would recommend it to anyone who loves a light-hearted memoir which covers a career/subject that little is usually known about.


'So now I sit in living rooms with families, posthumously getting to know their loved ones. I deftly avoid being drawn into family politics, even as they unfold around me. I drink tea and coffee of varying qualities, stroke pets, make small talk, comfort people and get them to the stage where they’re relaxed enough to laugh, cry, argue, disagree and support each other, even with a stranger in their midst.
I ask questions and scribble notes madly as the life stories, (sometimes mundane but more often than not, quite incredible), reveal themselves. And then, I go away to craft something inspiring that will celebrate the person’s life and reflect their and their family’s wishes.'

– Ruth Graham, A Thousand Goodbyes


Review by Steph Warren of Bookshine and Readbows blog
https://bookshineandreadbows.wordpres...

[Jaffareadstoo · Rating 4 out of 5]

In A Thousand Goodbyes, the author tells of her varied experiences as a Funeral Celebrant, from the funny and downright bizarre, to the incredibly sad and deadly serious, but one thing is certain, there is never a dull moment when participating in a funeral. Throughout the book I was struck once again by the vagaries of human nature, and I think that anyone who has spent time at the end of someone's life, or with grieving families, know that nothing is ever straightforward.

I've never considered the work of a funeral celebrant before, they are, quite simply, the people who you see calmly standing before a weeping congregation of people, bringing the deceased back to life for a moment with wise words and compassionate readings and eulogies. The author takes us through some interesting anecdotal stories, sharing her experiences in a thoughtful way neither making light of the work she does nor of making everything seem overly complicated. The book is written with warmth, and wit, and a much need sense of humour, and yet the author also oozes compassion, and a passionate belief in the unique service she offers to grieving families.

Despite everything we have been subjected to in this global pandemic when so many people have lost their lives, we still see death as something mysterious and to be avoided at all costs, but death is inevitable, and thank goodness we have people like Ruth Graham, and all those special people who offer a unique service to help saying goodbye to our loved ones a less painful process.

A Thousand Goodbyes is a fascinating insight into the work of someone who, quite often, blends into the background but who is always there we need them most.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Told with compassion, grace and a touch of humor, this book gives a behind the scenes look at what is involved with preparing the written and oral portion of a funeral service. The book also touches on changes in the industry and advice about knowing ones options.
A Celebrant is the person who must get to know the deceased and the people, usually family, who mourn their passing or wish to remember them. The Celebrant must be able to deal with all types of personalities and different ways of grieving. It can be a very difficult job, practically, emotionally and even on the verge of physical danger.
Each chapter ends with an anecdote highlighting a principle or quality.
Not everyone sees the same experiences from the same view. Some choose to fabricate or exaggerate a life's stories. Some stories are "phrased" the same as a realtor chooses descriptive words to mean something different. Appreciating language is a great advantage for a Celebrant.
Many parts of the job one would not understand or consider as routine before beginning this like of work are covered.
This book was being presented when a world wide pandemic changed all our social functions
It could come across as sad and disheartening, but the final lesson is one of hope.

[Lucy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was given this book as part of a blog tour with Rachel's Random Resources, and after hearing it likened to Adam Kay's book (which I recently read), I was super interested.

I have never really thought about the job of a funeral celebrant - what goes into it, who does it etc, but this book really opened my eyes to the role and the importance of it. I had only ever been to one funeral before COVID and I was very young. However, my uncle died in this pandemic and the funeral experience was very different to what I imagine it would be normally. But despite that, my uncles story was told with grace and beauty, and it had me in tears throughout.

Graham tells the stories with compassion, humour and touches on how we all deal with grief in different ways. I laughed, I cried and I absolutely could not put this book down. It is a really interesting perspective, and one many people (like myself), would not think twice about. I really enjoyed this and if you did like This is Going to Hurt then definitely pick this one up, you won't regret it!

Thanks again to Ruth Graham and Rachels Random Resources for the gifted copy for the blog tour - have a look at my review on the 10th May at @lucysbookclub

[Deborah J Miles · Rating 5 out of 5]

I sat down to read A Thousand Goodbyes and was hooked immediately. I read this in two days straight. It is unputdownable. I laughed, I cried, I chuckled, and I laughed again!

As we are all different and have our own ideas about death and the last goodbye, the celebrant provides a service which is unique to the individual client. Sometimes very unique to the point of being quite odd. These insights are graciously recalled, in this look behind the scenes in a industry many of us do not want to think about until we have no choice in the matter. I particularly enjoyed the sections at the end of each chapter entitled "a celebrant shares" in which other celebrants briefly remember some of their special moments.

If you do nothing else this year, make time to read A Thousand Goodbyes. The writing style is warm and engaging, and made me feel like I was listening to an old friend. It is extremely witty, inciteful, entertaining, informative and poignant. And at the end of the book are some useful resources - who knew that you could have a D-I-Y funeral or direct cremation?

A Thousand Goodbyes goes on my6Stars! book shelf.

[Lost_in_her_bookland · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review for A Thousand Goodbyes - The Surprising Life of A Funeral Celebrant

⭐⭐⭐⭐
"Don't let time or money or fear hold you back. Go do what your soul tells you to do. Live your life to the full. And I promise, when your time comes we will find the words. Because one day, we will all be stories"

With or without death we all need to hear that.

How can such a traditionally morbid subject be so uplifting and celebratory, it seems the author achieved exactly what she set out to do. This was marvellously educational and enlightening, yet beautiful and meaningful.

This book was knowingly a bit of a challenge for me, as my ocd *diagnosed* gives me many intrusive thoughts relating to death, but the challenge was well worth the repercussions, the morbidity, even at times quite in depth was hilarious and light. The author is such a talented writer, able to flow chapter to chapter, experience to experience.

If behind the scenes stories interest you, if you want to know more about the life of a funeral celebrant, the good the bad and the funny, then this is something you will love.

[Claire (c.isfor.claire_reads) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this. I wasn't too sure what to expect at first as obviously this book deals with death and funerals. However if you enjoyed Adam Kay's 'This is Going to Hurt' I think you would enjoy this one as the comparison is accurate. Ruth's wit and humour really shines through the pages, when dealing with what are always upsetting circumstances and so often a taboo subject not to be really talked about. The book was insightful and I found it fascinating. Yes, sad at times, but there were some moments that made me chuckle, as the descriptions were so vivid and imaginable. . I loved how Ruth also gave insights in the funeral industry and a tip I think I take away from reading this is, talk if you can to your family and loved ones about what you ultimately like to help them through the process. I'd love to think when my time comes there'll be a celebrant like Ruth for my family to call upon!
Recommend a read of this!

[Danielle Amor · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoy these sort of professional memoirs, especially from jobs that no-one I know does!  This is a great insight into the life of a Celebrant, made extra fun because the Author was a stand-up comic! You will laugh out loud at several stories.
 
I found myself googling a few of the terms, especially around the different types of cremation as I had no idea.  To be honest, it turns out what I thought happened at a cremation was different to what actually happens – I really think I was one of the ones who thought you would see the flames if the curtains were open!!!!!
 
I really recommend this book, it’s a short read at less than 200 pages but so interesting and I came away learning a few things!  I liked the chapters called ‘A Celebrant Shares’ which were placed throughout the book.

[Nancy Whitmarsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put it down..

I absolutely loved reading this book. Brilliantly written, poignant and hilarious in equal measure. I have been in so many similar scenarios and applaud Ruth for writing them down. She captures what being a Celebrant means perfectly. In fact I wasn't to read it again.....

[Samantha Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

I picked this book on a whim. So glad I did.
Grief and loss are are such a taboo subject for some. This was a funny, yet completely respectful look into the profession of celebrant.
I couldn’t imagine having to do the incredible work the author does. It takes a special person.
Worth the read!

[Mel Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not my usual genre, but a really enjoyable read. A glimpse into the personal and the professional and a reminder that "we're all human", we all have the same worries, mishaps, highs, lows and hilarity and there's one way out for all of us.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book. At the point in my life where I am at, it was inspirational and recognizable. As I'm starting up my own business as a celebrant, it taught me a lot as well. I definitely will be browsing through this book again. Also important to mention: it was funny as well 😃

[Susie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a practicing psychotherapist I have just finished my celebrant training and am about to start doing services. I thought this book was excellent, insightful, interesting and well written with lots of good lessons for me to learn before I begin. I will reread it I know. Thank you for writing it!!

[Cathie O'Dea · Rating 5 out of 5]

funny andtouching

Sometimes funny, sometimes emotional, sometimes thought provking, sometimes sad, a brilliant read and helpful to me as a new celebrant

[Sarah Hoey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having been a funeral celebrant myself for about a year, I really enjoyed this book. It was easy to read and thought provoking, humorous and sad, and I also learnt a few things.

[Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had never really read a book about the profession of a funeral celebrant before. I had never really thought about it, if I’m being honest. Too often, we see the way funerals are delivered as a ‘normal’ thing, at least I did. Having been to three funerals in my life, I remember that those services were delivered beautifully. Reading this book, I came more to the realisation that behind these beautiful services, a funeral celebrant works hard to make it that way.

Graham delivers her stories in a poignant, humourous and emotional way. The balance between these aspects is really taken into account. The stories are told in a respectful, but still funny way sometimes. You can really see that Graham is passionate about her job and that she has a lot of respect for all the people she encounters.

A Thousand Goodbyes is a fascinating, light-hearted and entertaining book. It’s quick and easy to read, so if you’re interested in getting to know some more about the life of a funeral celebrant (which is really interesting!) I would definitely recommend reading this one.