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The Sacred Search: What if It's Not about Who You Marry, but Why?
What if you stopped looking for a “soul mate” and started looking for a “sole mate”—someone who will live out with you the great purpose of God? What if dating isn’t about finding “the one” but making a wise choice so you can better serve the One who loves you most? What if God didn’t design relationships to make you happy but to make you holy? In The Sacred Search, Gary Thomas will transform the way you look at romantic relationships. Whether you are single, dating, or engaged, Gary’s unique perspective on dating will prepare you for a satisfying, spiritually enriching marriage even before you walk down the aisle. As Gary reminds us, a good marriage is not something you find—it’s something you make.
226 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2013
1348 people are currently reading
8184 people want to read
About the author
Gary L. Thomas
61 books646 followersGary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.
Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).
He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.
Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.
Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.
Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 872 reviews
May 15, 2016
This book started out promising. There were some interesting bits at the beginning about infatuation and intimacy and being cautious about the way you enter into a romantic relationship.
Then it all fell apart. I can't tell you how many times the author said "I'm not an expert, but..." and proceeded to give a very specific and long-winded piece of advice based on nothing but his own feelings. And a lot of the advice is rubbish. I'll just briefly list a few things I didn't like.
1. So many generalizations and stereotypes (some that were very unnecessarily gendered/sexist)
2. Repetitive. This book was 250 pages, and it could have been like 80 pages.
3. Contradictory advice! A lot of it! "There's no one person for you, so just pick someone" followed by "You must make sure to find someone with whom you are very compatible or else you are doomed to a miserable life".
4. Appealing to my future children. I'm not ready to think about having kids! Stop bringing them into this! If the man I marry is suitable for me, he'll be suitable for our kids! My gosh!
5. Treating me like an idiot. So much of this book was describing horrible jerks and then saying "Don't marry someone like this." I'm not stupid. I don't need to be told not to marry someone who is selfish or violent or proud.
This book makes me sad because people will read it and think that it's a godsend. It's not. It's one old white guy's opinion about dating/marriage. It's a lot of ideas and traditions that really messed up my perceptions about dating and marriage as a teenager, but it was published in 2013. WHY DOES ALL CHRISTIAN DATING ADVICE SUCK? I should write a book.
Then it all fell apart. I can't tell you how many times the author said "I'm not an expert, but..." and proceeded to give a very specific and long-winded piece of advice based on nothing but his own feelings. And a lot of the advice is rubbish. I'll just briefly list a few things I didn't like.
1. So many generalizations and stereotypes (some that were very unnecessarily gendered/sexist)
2. Repetitive. This book was 250 pages, and it could have been like 80 pages.
3. Contradictory advice! A lot of it! "There's no one person for you, so just pick someone" followed by "You must make sure to find someone with whom you are very compatible or else you are doomed to a miserable life".
4. Appealing to my future children. I'm not ready to think about having kids! Stop bringing them into this! If the man I marry is suitable for me, he'll be suitable for our kids! My gosh!
5. Treating me like an idiot. So much of this book was describing horrible jerks and then saying "Don't marry someone like this." I'm not stupid. I don't need to be told not to marry someone who is selfish or violent or proud.
This book makes me sad because people will read it and think that it's a godsend. It's not. It's one old white guy's opinion about dating/marriage. It's a lot of ideas and traditions that really messed up my perceptions about dating and marriage as a teenager, but it was published in 2013. WHY DOES ALL CHRISTIAN DATING ADVICE SUCK? I should write a book.
February 26, 2016
Oh, you guys. If only you knew the number of times I wanted to throw this book across the room. I know this book is beloved by many and my opinion is the minority. But I'd plead with you to read it critically. Even read my review critically, because I started disliking this book about 1/4 of the way in and so the lens I read the rest through was already tainted. But here are my thoughts:
Optimists and romantics beware. This is not the book for you. It will crush you. This is a man with one cold, calculated view of dating/marriage and all other styles are foolish and naive. According to him, don't even think about waiting for God's will or leading in finding a mate. That's foolish, overly mystical/emotional and lazy. You need to go out and make it happen! There is no one right person out there for you. God doesn't care who you pick as long as they are a christian and you can focus on a mission together. It's all on you, Baby! What does the bible have to say about it? Well it doesn't matter because you aren't an important character in the bloodline of Jesus so old testament stories don't usually apply to you. -- Yes, I'm being cheeky and sarcastic. I truly disliked this book. Friends, I found this book deceptive and contradictory. Even the tag line is deceptive. It's only 10% about why to get married and 90% about who to marry...or rather, who not to marry. The tag line should really be "How to be incredibly picky about the person you marry, and still probably end up in a devastating marriage". This book peddles fear and there is very little weight given to the redemptive power of Jesus's forgiveness and grace (if your have a sexual history or struggle[d] with porn, good luck with chapter 15!).
The author encourages you to ask many good questions about the person you hope to marry, but he also makes sweeping claims that he a) is unqualified to make (He is not a trained counselor. He is a pastor and public speaker. Don't forget that.) and b) doesn't support with citations or scriptural evidence. He frequently says "one study shows..." but never cites the study. For all we know, he has made up these "facts" or misinterpreted the findings. At the very least, this is a form of plagiarism.
Don't get me wrong, there was A LOT of good in this book, and it asked a lot of important questions. Questions you really should ask yourself about the person you hope to marry. But you can find all of that good stuff in other christian relationship books too. Books that are a little more centered on the bible, accurate research and vulnerable testimony. This book doesn't have those things. Read Timothy Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage", or even "Loveology" by John Mark Comer, if you like the trendier reads. If you choose to read this one, read it critically, with good biblical knowledge, and with an understanding that this is mostly one man's (often stereotypical) opinions and interpretations. Happy reading friends!
Optimists and romantics beware. This is not the book for you. It will crush you. This is a man with one cold, calculated view of dating/marriage and all other styles are foolish and naive. According to him, don't even think about waiting for God's will or leading in finding a mate. That's foolish, overly mystical/emotional and lazy. You need to go out and make it happen! There is no one right person out there for you. God doesn't care who you pick as long as they are a christian and you can focus on a mission together. It's all on you, Baby! What does the bible have to say about it? Well it doesn't matter because you aren't an important character in the bloodline of Jesus so old testament stories don't usually apply to you. -- Yes, I'm being cheeky and sarcastic. I truly disliked this book. Friends, I found this book deceptive and contradictory. Even the tag line is deceptive. It's only 10% about why to get married and 90% about who to marry...or rather, who not to marry. The tag line should really be "How to be incredibly picky about the person you marry, and still probably end up in a devastating marriage". This book peddles fear and there is very little weight given to the redemptive power of Jesus's forgiveness and grace (if your have a sexual history or struggle[d] with porn, good luck with chapter 15!).
The author encourages you to ask many good questions about the person you hope to marry, but he also makes sweeping claims that he a) is unqualified to make (He is not a trained counselor. He is a pastor and public speaker. Don't forget that.) and b) doesn't support with citations or scriptural evidence. He frequently says "one study shows..." but never cites the study. For all we know, he has made up these "facts" or misinterpreted the findings. At the very least, this is a form of plagiarism.
Don't get me wrong, there was A LOT of good in this book, and it asked a lot of important questions. Questions you really should ask yourself about the person you hope to marry. But you can find all of that good stuff in other christian relationship books too. Books that are a little more centered on the bible, accurate research and vulnerable testimony. This book doesn't have those things. Read Timothy Keller's "The Meaning of Marriage", or even "Loveology" by John Mark Comer, if you like the trendier reads. If you choose to read this one, read it critically, with good biblical knowledge, and with an understanding that this is mostly one man's (often stereotypical) opinions and interpretations. Happy reading friends!
April 8, 2013
I have read many relationship books in my short life, but this one was definitely different from any that I have read so far.
In The Sacred Search Mr. Thomas talks extensively about making the wise choice concerning marriage, an how contrary to popular belief it is not the who but the why. Being in love is all well and good but all to often infatuation masquerades around as love, when in fact it is not.
I found this book very interesting and I found myself agreeing with Mr. Thomas on pretty much all but one thing, and I'll get to that soon. But I loved how Mr. Thomas stressed the importance of not following your heart, but using wisdom and your brain when trying to figure out how compatible you and your significant other really are.
There were a couple things the irked me though, and one of them was how Mr. Thomas seemed to prescribe taking things into your own hands if you are tired of being single and I thought it more than a bit strange when he didn't talk about praying a lot over your decision. It seemed like he was saying that if you marry someone, you should be able to make that decision on your own, and while I don't think that one should wait for "a miracle" but I do believe that if you are truly "seeking first the kingdom of God" that much prayer should be put into the choice, and God will guide your choice. So basically I felt like prayer wasn't stressed anywhere nearly enough, and maybe he was figuring it would be a given or something, but I thought that he should have talked more about that and also used more scripture references.
Overall, this was a great book, that I think is very helpful for looking at a relationship realistically and logically, and avoiding being blinded by infatuation. I think this would be a great addition to your relationship building library, and it definitely made me think very seriously about some things, and I would definitely recommend this book to those already in a relationship or who have yet to enter one, infact I have already passed it on to my best friend. I think that this book would be a great tool as a couples reality check, before making the plunge and getting married.
I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Thank you!
In The Sacred Search Mr. Thomas talks extensively about making the wise choice concerning marriage, an how contrary to popular belief it is not the who but the why. Being in love is all well and good but all to often infatuation masquerades around as love, when in fact it is not.
I found this book very interesting and I found myself agreeing with Mr. Thomas on pretty much all but one thing, and I'll get to that soon. But I loved how Mr. Thomas stressed the importance of not following your heart, but using wisdom and your brain when trying to figure out how compatible you and your significant other really are.
There were a couple things the irked me though, and one of them was how Mr. Thomas seemed to prescribe taking things into your own hands if you are tired of being single and I thought it more than a bit strange when he didn't talk about praying a lot over your decision. It seemed like he was saying that if you marry someone, you should be able to make that decision on your own, and while I don't think that one should wait for "a miracle" but I do believe that if you are truly "seeking first the kingdom of God" that much prayer should be put into the choice, and God will guide your choice. So basically I felt like prayer wasn't stressed anywhere nearly enough, and maybe he was figuring it would be a given or something, but I thought that he should have talked more about that and also used more scripture references.
Overall, this was a great book, that I think is very helpful for looking at a relationship realistically and logically, and avoiding being blinded by infatuation. I think this would be a great addition to your relationship building library, and it definitely made me think very seriously about some things, and I would definitely recommend this book to those already in a relationship or who have yet to enter one, infact I have already passed it on to my best friend. I think that this book would be a great tool as a couples reality check, before making the plunge and getting married.
I received this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. Thank you!
November 7, 2017
I kind of hated this book.
Gary Thomas thinks that too many people base who they marry on romantic feelings or waiting for God's will, leading to marriages that are doomed to fail. Instead one should marry someone who has the qualities that are most desirable in a spouse. He begins the book by outlining the difference between infatuation and love. I actually really liked this bit. I felt like he went a bit far but it was still a good reminder.
He then addresses singleness. According to Thomas, if you are in your late twenties (or older) and are unmarried it is almost certainly because you are sinfully lazy and selfish. While he admits that theoretically someone could be "called to singleness" he dismisses it as less than a tenth of the population. Singleness is a time of your life in which you should look for a spouse. If you are single and not actively looking for a spouse, you are practicing the sin of sloth. Thomas does not see any value in singleness that is not improved by being married.
As a single man in his late twenties, this attitude bothers me. One of the reasons I am not married is because I wanted to go to school and pursue my Masters' degree and I wanted to go and do long-term oversees missions wherever and whenever God called me. Yes, I could do these things married, but it is easier not to. There are far more single women on the mission field than there are single men and I don't think attitudes like that of Gary Thomas are helping with this.
The remainder of the book consists of descriptions of what kind of qualities you should be looking for in a future spouse. Similarly to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Thomas believes that dating should not be about building a relationship or having fun.
What dating should be, according to Thomas (and Harris), is evaluating whether the other person is worthy to be your spouse and the parent of your children. If your girlfriend has different views of what your married life should look like, you should break up with her. If she has any sort of character flaws, you should break up with her. If her family has a history of mental illness or addictions, you should break up with her. If she doesn't have lots of strong friendships, you should break up with her. If her parents don't seem like they'd be amazing Christian grandparents for your future children, you should break up with her. If she acted significantly differently (in a negative manner) when she was younger, you should break up with her. If she ever struggled with sexual sin, you should break up with her. If she wants to wait to discern whether God really wants you to get married, you should break up with her.
This book is based on fear. Assume that your boyfriend or girlfriend is not honest with you, assume that they're a worse person than they seem, and assume that they will be less loving and more distant after you marry them. Your marriage is going to be really hard so try and find the perfect spouse so you have a chance of getting through it. And even if you marry the perfect person, they might change completely several years down the road and destroy your marriage. Oh and not getting married isn't an option either.
At the end he does acknowledge grace and that God will be there for you no matter who you choose, but by that point it was too little too late.
Gary Thomas thinks that too many people base who they marry on romantic feelings or waiting for God's will, leading to marriages that are doomed to fail. Instead one should marry someone who has the qualities that are most desirable in a spouse. He begins the book by outlining the difference between infatuation and love. I actually really liked this bit. I felt like he went a bit far but it was still a good reminder.
He then addresses singleness. According to Thomas, if you are in your late twenties (or older) and are unmarried it is almost certainly because you are sinfully lazy and selfish. While he admits that theoretically someone could be "called to singleness" he dismisses it as less than a tenth of the population. Singleness is a time of your life in which you should look for a spouse. If you are single and not actively looking for a spouse, you are practicing the sin of sloth. Thomas does not see any value in singleness that is not improved by being married.
"Listen, if you'd rather spend an evening playing Xbox with your bros and going to bed on your own than driving back to an apartment where your wife is waiting for you, well, that's up to you. But I honestly don't think you're missing out on all that much. It's a matter of personal preference, but if you're committed to living a God-honoring life - no sex before marriage, no drunkenness, not wasting gobs of time on meaningless entertainment (some downtime is of course appropriate), what is marriage holding you back from?" (p.88).
As a single man in his late twenties, this attitude bothers me. One of the reasons I am not married is because I wanted to go to school and pursue my Masters' degree and I wanted to go and do long-term oversees missions wherever and whenever God called me. Yes, I could do these things married, but it is easier not to. There are far more single women on the mission field than there are single men and I don't think attitudes like that of Gary Thomas are helping with this.
The remainder of the book consists of descriptions of what kind of qualities you should be looking for in a future spouse. Similarly to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Thomas believes that dating should not be about building a relationship or having fun.
"Going to the movies, biking through the park, eating out - of course that kind of activity is going to produce and maintain a certain level of affection. But it's not real life; it's often not even real relating. It's just playing. It doesn't tell you squat about how a man could face a medical or vocational crisis, what kind of courage a woman has, what values each person lives by, or what spiritual pursuit drives the other person. Instead you find out that you both like vegetables on your pizza and movies that have a plot - that's something, I guess, but it's not much on which to base a lifetime decision" (p.171).
What dating should be, according to Thomas (and Harris), is evaluating whether the other person is worthy to be your spouse and the parent of your children. If your girlfriend has different views of what your married life should look like, you should break up with her. If she has any sort of character flaws, you should break up with her. If her family has a history of mental illness or addictions, you should break up with her. If she doesn't have lots of strong friendships, you should break up with her. If her parents don't seem like they'd be amazing Christian grandparents for your future children, you should break up with her. If she acted significantly differently (in a negative manner) when she was younger, you should break up with her. If she ever struggled with sexual sin, you should break up with her. If she wants to wait to discern whether God really wants you to get married, you should break up with her.
This book is based on fear. Assume that your boyfriend or girlfriend is not honest with you, assume that they're a worse person than they seem, and assume that they will be less loving and more distant after you marry them. Your marriage is going to be really hard so try and find the perfect spouse so you have a chance of getting through it. And even if you marry the perfect person, they might change completely several years down the road and destroy your marriage. Oh and not getting married isn't an option either.
At the end he does acknowledge grace and that God will be there for you no matter who you choose, but by that point it was too little too late.
December 29, 2015
I think every single person should read this book.
May 18, 2020
I gave this an extra star because it states advice that I fundamentally agree with, which could be of use to some people who may have never considered marriage with any level of sobriety. Ie. Carefully consider who to marry- choose someone of character, depth and spiritual maturity, don’t just be led entirely/solely by your emotions, and deeply consider why you want to marry- seek the Kingdom of God first.
I heard great things about his book “Sacred Marriage”, so I was sorely disappointed in this book. Gary’s tone is continually condescending and ungracious. He assumes and refers to single people as stupid, foolish and brainwashed by societal norms. The first chapter states that he has care and compassion for singles, hoping to give them the best chance at a good marriage. But he doesn’t demonstrate care or compassion throughout the majority of the book.
He seems unconcerned with discipling young people (providing them with good wisdom and advice that roots their identity and life in Christ) and more concerned with airing out his own personal pet-peeves about foolish singles (based off of stereotypical facades that are puffed up with pessimistic statistics).
The bulk of his book is him pointing out how stupid he believes single people to be, and very little is given to any actual advice.
Not only does he call single people stupid, but states that if someone is still single past the age of 25 or so- it is solely because they are lazy hermits who are sinful in their sloth and selfish in their motivations.
Contrary to his statement that we should “seek first the Kingdom” his book communicates that if you are single, your life is empty and meaningless unless you are “seeking first a spouse”.
Some of his arguments are contradictory and he seems incapable of talking about the issues he brings up with nuance and tact. Instead he laces his chapters with sarcasm and gets caught up with his own annoyance, emotions, and personal opinions.
I am 28 and still single. I have gone to a Christian university, traveled and lived in Christian missional communities where I (as he seems to advise) “got myself out there”. I have also tried online dating. He seems to assert that I am still single because I am sinfully lazy. So which is it? Should I carefully consider who to marry, taking my time, trying to make a wise decision based off of someone’s character and potential as a mate - or - am I being foolish for not just choosing someone already?
I agree with his assertion that there isn’t one specific “soul-mate” out there for you to find or for God to drop in your lap. But I disagree with his assertion that God plays no role in leading or guiding you to meet certain people. He equates it to finding a job or choosing a university- you having your own autonomy and volition, so go out and find someone, oh, and I guess you can pray about it too. But I believe that God is active and present in our lives, guiding us in many ways and he opens and closes doors- I don’t just see this in my romantic life, but in my career path as well. There are countless stories of God leading and providing opportunities for people- the Christian life isn’t lived by taking it by the horns and carving your own destiny. You can get out there and apply for a bunch of jobs and still get those doors closed (personal experience). You can get out there and go on dates and still fail to find someone to marry. The Bible is filled with the theme of waiting on the Lord and relying on him for wisdom and guidance- trusting in his timing and ultimate sovereignty. I think Gary misunderstands the fact that “waiting” is not synonymous with “passivity”, but it is living in peaceful trust seeking God’s will daily, obeying where he leads you.
Anyway- I’m off my soap box. If you want to read a book that outlines a biblical view on both marriage and singleness- uplifting the value of both- one that gives a challenging/thought provoking look at cultural motivations for marriage with nuance and intelligence, while encouraging and uplifting you as the reader - I recommend Timothy Keller’s “Meaning of Marriage”. It provides a much better answer to this book’s initial premise: Consider the “Why” of marriage before the “who”.
I heard great things about his book “Sacred Marriage”, so I was sorely disappointed in this book. Gary’s tone is continually condescending and ungracious. He assumes and refers to single people as stupid, foolish and brainwashed by societal norms. The first chapter states that he has care and compassion for singles, hoping to give them the best chance at a good marriage. But he doesn’t demonstrate care or compassion throughout the majority of the book.
He seems unconcerned with discipling young people (providing them with good wisdom and advice that roots their identity and life in Christ) and more concerned with airing out his own personal pet-peeves about foolish singles (based off of stereotypical facades that are puffed up with pessimistic statistics).
The bulk of his book is him pointing out how stupid he believes single people to be, and very little is given to any actual advice.
Not only does he call single people stupid, but states that if someone is still single past the age of 25 or so- it is solely because they are lazy hermits who are sinful in their sloth and selfish in their motivations.
Contrary to his statement that we should “seek first the Kingdom” his book communicates that if you are single, your life is empty and meaningless unless you are “seeking first a spouse”.
Some of his arguments are contradictory and he seems incapable of talking about the issues he brings up with nuance and tact. Instead he laces his chapters with sarcasm and gets caught up with his own annoyance, emotions, and personal opinions.
I am 28 and still single. I have gone to a Christian university, traveled and lived in Christian missional communities where I (as he seems to advise) “got myself out there”. I have also tried online dating. He seems to assert that I am still single because I am sinfully lazy. So which is it? Should I carefully consider who to marry, taking my time, trying to make a wise decision based off of someone’s character and potential as a mate - or - am I being foolish for not just choosing someone already?
I agree with his assertion that there isn’t one specific “soul-mate” out there for you to find or for God to drop in your lap. But I disagree with his assertion that God plays no role in leading or guiding you to meet certain people. He equates it to finding a job or choosing a university- you having your own autonomy and volition, so go out and find someone, oh, and I guess you can pray about it too. But I believe that God is active and present in our lives, guiding us in many ways and he opens and closes doors- I don’t just see this in my romantic life, but in my career path as well. There are countless stories of God leading and providing opportunities for people- the Christian life isn’t lived by taking it by the horns and carving your own destiny. You can get out there and apply for a bunch of jobs and still get those doors closed (personal experience). You can get out there and go on dates and still fail to find someone to marry. The Bible is filled with the theme of waiting on the Lord and relying on him for wisdom and guidance- trusting in his timing and ultimate sovereignty. I think Gary misunderstands the fact that “waiting” is not synonymous with “passivity”, but it is living in peaceful trust seeking God’s will daily, obeying where he leads you.
Anyway- I’m off my soap box. If you want to read a book that outlines a biblical view on both marriage and singleness- uplifting the value of both- one that gives a challenging/thought provoking look at cultural motivations for marriage with nuance and intelligence, while encouraging and uplifting you as the reader - I recommend Timothy Keller’s “Meaning of Marriage”. It provides a much better answer to this book’s initial premise: Consider the “Why” of marriage before the “who”.
February 9, 2016
I genuinely hated this book.
October 13, 2017
I work in a research lab that studies cognition and autism, in the hopes of developing better behavioral interventions. So when Thomas, probably just out of ignorance or misinformation, implied vaccines cause autism, I was so shocked I immediately dropped my kindle. Even though this is a book about marriage, it feels unethical and revolting for me to even continue to read this. DNF @ 47%
I enjoyed a little of the bits I read but I just can't, in good professional conscience, continue.
Update after I recovered from my shock: ALSO though this book is like HELLA gender role conforming which is like really a turn off. and while Thomas has good advice, he just falls into stereotypes too much for me to jive with it.
I enjoyed a little of the bits I read but I just can't, in good professional conscience, continue.
Update after I recovered from my shock: ALSO though this book is like HELLA gender role conforming which is like really a turn off. and while Thomas has good advice, he just falls into stereotypes too much for me to jive with it.
June 11, 2018
Honestly, wow. I didn’t know what to expect but this was so well-written with practical advice and questions. The theme of basing a relationship off of Matthew 6:33 (“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”) was repeated throughout each chapter. The stories that Gary Thomas shared were relatable and insightful. I was gut-punched a time or two and I think my favorite aspect of this book was Thomas constantly pointing back to Jesus. Asking for His guidance, following His examples, loving like He would love, etc... 10/10 would recommend this book to fellow singles/engaged friends ❤️ Can’t wait to read it again.
March 20, 2013
I received this book free from the publisher, David C Cook, through Netgalley.
The first several chapters of this book are excellent and thought provoking. My first thought was that my sons need to read this book when they come of dating age. There is so much wisdom packed into these first few pages it makes the rest of the book that much more disappointing.
The author begins to fall into gender stereotypes pretty quickly. These are popular in many Christian circles but can be pretty damaging. In the section, a gorgeous mistake, the author seems to imply women are out there to lure good Christian men into sin. In the section on marriage styles he implies any style that women may be more prone to is negative, while explicitly stating he isn't trying to judge.
Furthermore, the condescension in the book becomes distracting the further into it I read. I don't understand why Christian authors so often feel the need to place themselves on a pedastal. As stated at the beginning of my review, there is lots of good stuff in this book and I agree with his premise. A serious rewrite with an eye to a more journalistic writing style would make this book a must read for anyone considering marriage.
The first several chapters of this book are excellent and thought provoking. My first thought was that my sons need to read this book when they come of dating age. There is so much wisdom packed into these first few pages it makes the rest of the book that much more disappointing.
The author begins to fall into gender stereotypes pretty quickly. These are popular in many Christian circles but can be pretty damaging. In the section, a gorgeous mistake, the author seems to imply women are out there to lure good Christian men into sin. In the section on marriage styles he implies any style that women may be more prone to is negative, while explicitly stating he isn't trying to judge.
Furthermore, the condescension in the book becomes distracting the further into it I read. I don't understand why Christian authors so often feel the need to place themselves on a pedastal. As stated at the beginning of my review, there is lots of good stuff in this book and I agree with his premise. A serious rewrite with an eye to a more journalistic writing style would make this book a must read for anyone considering marriage.
August 6, 2022
If you can get past the title, this book offers a more sobering and practical look at dating than most relationship books do. The basic premise is that we should seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, especially in our relationships. Thomas believes that far too many couples end up married because they are infatuated with each other rather than sharing a common vision and mission. He shares why it can be so difficult to truly get to know someone when you're in the clutches of infatuation and offers practical ways to guard against a marriage built on it.
A few impactful quotes.
"A good relationship is not something you find, it's something you make."
"Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with."
"Marriage doesn't solve emptiness; it exposes it."
"To analyze one's feelings is the worst way of arriving at a measure of friendship; to count its cost is the best way. "
A few impactful quotes.
"A good relationship is not something you find, it's something you make."
"Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with."
"Marriage doesn't solve emptiness; it exposes it."
"To analyze one's feelings is the worst way of arriving at a measure of friendship; to count its cost is the best way. "
January 12, 2021
I'm 26 yrs old, and I wish someone had handed this book to me a decade ago. However, maybe some of the lessons wouldn't have had the impact on me then as they do now ("the teacher appears when the student is ready"). This book has challenged me to seriously consider what I should search for, but it has also forced me to gaze into the mirror and examine my heart (and I've found some not-so-pretty things there that need the Lord's refining fire). There are many excellent quotes I hope to carry in my mind. This is God-honoring wisdom, and I'm so grateful this book came into my life in this moment in time. This book will make you excited to grow closer to the heart of Jesus. If you want your worldview about searching for a mate, dating, and marriage to be completely changed, look no further. 10/10 would recommend to all singles.
January 9, 2020
I really struggled with this book, I wanted to like it so badly. On almost every page I felt there was something sexist, I pushed through because I wanted to understand his thought process but I for sure do not support his views.
April 2, 2020
I enjoyed this book so much! It is targeted at singles, in or before entering a relationship. I would say it's a must read.
November 21, 2023
EVERY CHRISTIAN NEEDS TO READ THIS. Best marriage/dating book I’ve ever read. After finishing this book I don’t feel behind/stupid/desperate to be single… I feel blessed and empowered to “seek first the kingdom” and if/when God brings a prayerful, servant leader, mission-focused spouse into my life, then we will keep seeking the kingdom together to build the Church. It’s time to take seriously 1 Cor 7 and Matthew 6! ❤️
January 12, 2013
I have to admit: the title got my dander up a bit. It also got me to thinking. By the time I had finished the first chapter, I had to admit that I pretty much agreed with the author.
I've been through a number of divorces, though none were in my own marriage. I've seen "bad marriages" up close and personal.
Thomas brings up a number of good points:
What if we spent time actually considering what life would be like married to Person X?
In some cases, people go against all proof and reason and marry based on their feelings. Those feelings of infatuation die and there goes the marriage. (I'm vastly simplifying.)
Marriage is a life-long commitment. Or, if you don't buy that, think this: who gets married saying, "Gee, I can't wait for this to end"? No one I know. Probably no one you know.
So shouldn't this sort of commitment get at least as much effort as selecting our college major, buying our first car, financing our first hours, or any of the other major decisions we make? Shouldn't we commit ourselves to doing the best job we can?
What if our feelings aren't completely reliable?
You know, I sure liked that dog at the humane society when we got her, but after a few months, she proved to be less than desirable. She wasn't a fit. Thank goodness she was a dog.
I've learned, time and again, that feelings are not reality. They just aren't.
Though I learned this, I didn't really believe it until I was well into my own married life.
What if God was a foundational part of the decision process?
This is a bit trickier, because though I agree with Thomas on the broad sweeps throughout this book, we do have differences doctrinally. Reading this book made me actually sad for those who can't go to Confession and experience the graces of that sacrament. It made me sort of sorry for my non-Catholic friends and family who are stuck wondering what forgiveness looks like, how it feels, what it means.
What if there's not just ONE PERSON for you?
I remember, in college, our Hall Director saying, during our RA training, that she felt like it had to be your "time" to be married, that it wasn't as important if it was the right person as it was that you were ready for it. When she said it, I felt a little tug, and maybe my understanding of the world grew a bit.
I can look back and think of someone in my past who might have been a doggone good husband. He's not who I'm married to now, and I'm glad of it. I'm sure my husband, if pressed (no, I'm not going to), could say the same.
This whole notion of "The One Person" is not biblically based, and chances are, it's not true for any of us. Thomas presents it well.
What if life is just messy?
This isn't one of Thomas's points, but I couldn't help but think it after I finished the book. I don't know that I would just hand this book to a single in my life and let them read it. I would have rolled my eyes back into my head in my single days, though part of that might have been the hard-hitting Bible references. I think this is the kind of book you give to someone you know, and maybe even someone you can read it with. That, or someone who is very mature in their faith and their approach to life. I'm pretty sure the young singles in my life would maybe not so much appreciate this book. (This might just be me.)
All in all, a good resource.
I enjoyed reading this book. It was well-done, and though not Catholic, my doctrinal dander stayed calm and my theological nose didn't get worked up sniffing out "problems." (There are a few hesitations I had, but you know what? It's a good book.)
I liked it. It made me look at my own marriage, and it also made me want to read another marriage book (you know, one for not-quite-old fogies).
I've been through a number of divorces, though none were in my own marriage. I've seen "bad marriages" up close and personal.
Thomas brings up a number of good points:
What if we spent time actually considering what life would be like married to Person X?
In some cases, people go against all proof and reason and marry based on their feelings. Those feelings of infatuation die and there goes the marriage. (I'm vastly simplifying.)
Marriage is a life-long commitment. Or, if you don't buy that, think this: who gets married saying, "Gee, I can't wait for this to end"? No one I know. Probably no one you know.
So shouldn't this sort of commitment get at least as much effort as selecting our college major, buying our first car, financing our first hours, or any of the other major decisions we make? Shouldn't we commit ourselves to doing the best job we can?
What if our feelings aren't completely reliable?
You know, I sure liked that dog at the humane society when we got her, but after a few months, she proved to be less than desirable. She wasn't a fit. Thank goodness she was a dog.
I've learned, time and again, that feelings are not reality. They just aren't.
Though I learned this, I didn't really believe it until I was well into my own married life.
What if God was a foundational part of the decision process?
This is a bit trickier, because though I agree with Thomas on the broad sweeps throughout this book, we do have differences doctrinally. Reading this book made me actually sad for those who can't go to Confession and experience the graces of that sacrament. It made me sort of sorry for my non-Catholic friends and family who are stuck wondering what forgiveness looks like, how it feels, what it means.
What if there's not just ONE PERSON for you?
I remember, in college, our Hall Director saying, during our RA training, that she felt like it had to be your "time" to be married, that it wasn't as important if it was the right person as it was that you were ready for it. When she said it, I felt a little tug, and maybe my understanding of the world grew a bit.
I can look back and think of someone in my past who might have been a doggone good husband. He's not who I'm married to now, and I'm glad of it. I'm sure my husband, if pressed (no, I'm not going to), could say the same.
This whole notion of "The One Person" is not biblically based, and chances are, it's not true for any of us. Thomas presents it well.
What if life is just messy?
This isn't one of Thomas's points, but I couldn't help but think it after I finished the book. I don't know that I would just hand this book to a single in my life and let them read it. I would have rolled my eyes back into my head in my single days, though part of that might have been the hard-hitting Bible references. I think this is the kind of book you give to someone you know, and maybe even someone you can read it with. That, or someone who is very mature in their faith and their approach to life. I'm pretty sure the young singles in my life would maybe not so much appreciate this book. (This might just be me.)
All in all, a good resource.
I enjoyed reading this book. It was well-done, and though not Catholic, my doctrinal dander stayed calm and my theological nose didn't get worked up sniffing out "problems." (There are a few hesitations I had, but you know what? It's a good book.)
I liked it. It made me look at my own marriage, and it also made me want to read another marriage book (you know, one for not-quite-old fogies).
December 6, 2022
I saw this recommended by someone on Instagram and the title intrigued me. The first chapter drew me in even more.
Coming from an ultra conservative, courtship-based background, I found this to be a very useful read. He very clearly outlines Biblical principles and keeps the focus on Christ all while using practical application.
I recommend it for both singles (younger singles with some guidance, as there are chapters on physical intimacy and dealing with past sins) and those in a dating/courting relationship.
It isn’t perfect, but it brings up a lot of great points for both singles and unmarried couples to discuss and consider. I personally think it would be useful to read more than once when considering a marriage relationship.
Coming from an ultra conservative, courtship-based background, I found this to be a very useful read. He very clearly outlines Biblical principles and keeps the focus on Christ all while using practical application.
I recommend it for both singles (younger singles with some guidance, as there are chapters on physical intimacy and dealing with past sins) and those in a dating/courting relationship.
It isn’t perfect, but it brings up a lot of great points for both singles and unmarried couples to discuss and consider. I personally think it would be useful to read more than once when considering a marriage relationship.
July 21, 2023
I was gifted this book by my Lola. She wanted me to read it before I started college, and I’m honestly glad I did. It had some good points on how to look for a potential spouse. I recommend this book to anyone seriously considering dating and then marriage.
October 7, 2025
While the author does give readers some helpful reframes, there are some really cringe-y and shortsighted parts of this book. Worth reading, but with a discerning mind and a compassionate stance toward others.
April 23, 2017
Wow, there was so much wisdom in this book! Where do I even begin?
What I Liked: In a world that keeps pushing the idea of following your heart and being led by your emotions, this book was so refreshing because it promoted the Biblical belief that you need to be guided by God's Word and the Holy Spirit in decisions such as who you marry. It supports the Scripture in Jeremiah where it says that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?
The author was very bluntly honest throughout this whole book, yet through its pages I felt Gary L. Thomas's compassion and desire to help singles and those in relationships navigate through the lies that our culture promotes and come to a healthy, Biblical view of focusing on WHY you want to be married and THEN figuring out the 'who'.
So often throughout this book I found myself nodding and agreeing with what this author was saying. Very honestly, I'm tired and weary and so very saddened by the lack of strong Godly marriages today and I don't want my own marriage someday to be anything less than what God wants it to be--two people seeking the kingdom of God FIRST. This book was a great encouragement to me.
What I Didn't Like: While there wasn't anything that I didn't like, (even though I wouldn't agree with everything in this book) I do recommend this book to older, mature readers only. There is quite a lot of talk about more intimate subjects and I know I even skipped over a section of the book that got to be a little too much for me in this stage of life. But that isn't really something I didn't like, because I believe that the issues need to be addressed, I just wanted to give a warning about what to expect.
I give this book 5 stars for an excellent book about choosing wisely in marriage. This book will definitely be amongst my favorites of 2017.
What I Liked: In a world that keeps pushing the idea of following your heart and being led by your emotions, this book was so refreshing because it promoted the Biblical belief that you need to be guided by God's Word and the Holy Spirit in decisions such as who you marry. It supports the Scripture in Jeremiah where it says that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?
The author was very bluntly honest throughout this whole book, yet through its pages I felt Gary L. Thomas's compassion and desire to help singles and those in relationships navigate through the lies that our culture promotes and come to a healthy, Biblical view of focusing on WHY you want to be married and THEN figuring out the 'who'.
So often throughout this book I found myself nodding and agreeing with what this author was saying. Very honestly, I'm tired and weary and so very saddened by the lack of strong Godly marriages today and I don't want my own marriage someday to be anything less than what God wants it to be--two people seeking the kingdom of God FIRST. This book was a great encouragement to me.
What I Didn't Like: While there wasn't anything that I didn't like, (even though I wouldn't agree with everything in this book) I do recommend this book to older, mature readers only. There is quite a lot of talk about more intimate subjects and I know I even skipped over a section of the book that got to be a little too much for me in this stage of life. But that isn't really something I didn't like, because I believe that the issues need to be addressed, I just wanted to give a warning about what to expect.
I give this book 5 stars for an excellent book about choosing wisely in marriage. This book will definitely be amongst my favorites of 2017.
February 2, 2023
This book was massively sobering in that the severity and seriousness of what marriage really is hit home with me.
I think it puts forth a solid case for all the attributes your potential partner should have. I think it lacks a certain element of grace but I also understand that that is most likely the point.
I would say the main takeaways I have from the book are these:
#1. Maintain a strong and open relationship with God while in a relationship with someone and be obedient to God if you feel convicted or are instructed in some way
#2. Don't think the person will change after you're married
#3. Being very open, honest, and transparent can't be stressed enough. It's imperative for a strong intimate relationship. If your honesty breaks you apart, good, because without it you'll never be truly close.
I think it puts forth a solid case for all the attributes your potential partner should have. I think it lacks a certain element of grace but I also understand that that is most likely the point.
I would say the main takeaways I have from the book are these:
#1. Maintain a strong and open relationship with God while in a relationship with someone and be obedient to God if you feel convicted or are instructed in some way
#2. Don't think the person will change after you're married
#3. Being very open, honest, and transparent can't be stressed enough. It's imperative for a strong intimate relationship. If your honesty breaks you apart, good, because without it you'll never be truly close.
February 21, 2021
The Sacred Search had two main themes for me, which I found quite helpful. The first was the subtitle, “What if it’s not about who you marry, but why?” A big focus on Matthew 6:33 “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.” Finding a partner who seeks first Jesus, and then navigating how a marriage based on this primary mission can lead to fulfillment and flourishing in marriage.
The second was about “becoming the person, the person you want to be with, wants to be with.” Developing these character and mission values deeply routed unto who we are and how our hearts function, allows us to bring such a gift to a future spouse that glorifies the one who made us, in His image.
The second was about “becoming the person, the person you want to be with, wants to be with.” Developing these character and mission values deeply routed unto who we are and how our hearts function, allows us to bring such a gift to a future spouse that glorifies the one who made us, in His image.
February 4, 2016
Gary Thomas is my new favorite author of relationship books. No, all nonfiction books. I'm actually reading Sacred Marriage right now, and it is just as good as this one. I highly recommend this insightful look into the deep end of dating/courtship. Illuminated with Scripture, written in a comfortable but probing style, The Sacred Search I read in two days because I just couldn't put it down and was so fascinated by the truths I found within the pages.
August 11, 2022
4.5/5
Apart from one chapter that felt like strange conjecture and not really rooted in scripture, this book provided fantastic advice on navigating the dating world through the lens of a biblical worldview.
Apart from one chapter that felt like strange conjecture and not really rooted in scripture, this book provided fantastic advice on navigating the dating world through the lens of a biblical worldview.
April 29, 2025
There were so many things I really liked about this book. In an easy to understand way, Gary Thomas exposits the purpose behind biblical marriage - to glorify the Lord and advance the kingdom of God as two people united in the same mission. This informs his primary argument - that “It’s not a choice between either why or who. It’s that asking the why question first helps you choose the best who.” The book is clear, concise, and to the point as it addresses a host of things you should consider before choosing to unite yourself to another person for the rest of your earthly life.
I had some mild points of disagreement with a few sections, and I also do think that Thomas was a little too harsh at times, points which lead me to give the book 4 instead of 5 stars. Happy to expound on this if anyone is curious.
Overall, however, the book was an honest, biblical, and passionate discourse on what true, godly marriage is. Gary Thomas encourages men and women alike to truly and thoughtfully consider why - and who - you are marrying before you tie the knot.
I had some mild points of disagreement with a few sections, and I also do think that Thomas was a little too harsh at times, points which lead me to give the book 4 instead of 5 stars. Happy to expound on this if anyone is curious.
Overall, however, the book was an honest, biblical, and passionate discourse on what true, godly marriage is. Gary Thomas encourages men and women alike to truly and thoughtfully consider why - and who - you are marrying before you tie the knot.
May 15, 2023
One of my all-time favorite books to recommend. This is my third time reading through it. This book pairs really nicely with Keller's Meaning of Marriage, which focuses on what marriage should be. Thomas' book is excellent because it focuses on the "why" of marriage and has many thoughts on searching for a spouse. His pithiest thesis statement is that too often people look for "soul mates" rather than "sole mates," who are walking in the same direction towards God. Even though the book is targeted toward people that are serious about dating, I think it is a worthwhile book because it focuses on loving others well.
"Christian life is a journey toward love, growing in love, expanding in our ability to love, surrendering our hearts to love, increasingly becoming a person who is motivated by love." For me, that is the money quote of this book and why I enjoy it. No matter one's station in life, they can experience a life transformed by being someone shaped by God's love.
"Christian life is a journey toward love, growing in love, expanding in our ability to love, surrendering our hearts to love, increasingly becoming a person who is motivated by love." For me, that is the money quote of this book and why I enjoy it. No matter one's station in life, they can experience a life transformed by being someone shaped by God's love.
April 2, 2022
I enjoyed the read. It has good questions to ask yourself or your significant other. As well as practical things to consider if one is aiming to 'seek first the kingdom.' Maybe he offers so many considerations that it feels even more impossible 😂. To me, the Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller remains the best book for a healthy mindset for marriage.
April 29, 2021
Man, I really appreciated this book. I've read plenty of books on singleness and a few on marriage, and this was frankly a lot better than a lot of those, lol. Really gave me a lot of food for thought as a single person, and questions to ask both now and in the future.
January 27, 2018
The second time through and my reflections from my first reading remain. One of the best books a Christian can read on the subject of dating and the search for a spouse.
There are some really good books out there regarding the subject of dating and marriage from a Christian perspective. I would place this one towards the top of the bunch. In The Sacred Search, author and pastor, Gary Thomas gives seasoned advice from someone who has witnessed the good, the bad, the ugly, and the utterly unbelievable when it comes to marriages and relationships.
I found his advice to be both authoritative yet compassionate, balanced yet precise, realistic, yet optimistic. This book is dripping with wisdom and those who heed it may save themselves from a lifetime of heartache and incredible stress but they may also position themselves to experience a rich, satisfying marriage relationship that has a profound affect on the kingdom of God. How refreshing it would be to partner with someone who not only encourages us in our pursuit of Christ-likeness but also has the emotional security, stability, and maturity to relate in Godly ways.
Just a few observations from the book I enjoyed -
"There isn't a person alive who can keep you enthralled for the next five or six decades." (Pg. 18)
"When we live for ourselves, we become boring. Most of us are simply not interesting enough on our own to captivate someone else for five or six decades." (Pg.174)
"Ask yourself: 'Ten years from now, what kind of tears do I want to be crying? Tears of joy, or tears of pain? Do I want to be in a marriage that lifts me up, or one that drags me down? A union marked by shared partnership, or one where we're hiding form and hurting each other on a regular basis?'" (Pg 19)
"Our search for a life mate, then isn't one of desperation, but rather one of patiently looking for someone with whom we can share God's love and live out God's purpose.
"Plato's 'soul mate' philosophy circumvents the concept of applying wisdom and replaces it with trying to mystically discern whether or not you are 'meant to be' with someone." (Pg. 58)
"The way someone chooses to get married is a good indicator of the work they'll put in after the wedding takes place in order to make the marriage grow. If someone cuts corners in the decision process - willing to risk their own and your happiness on something as precarious as an infatuation - how do you know they won't want to cut corners when it comes to the nitty-gritty work of building marital intimacy stitch by stitch?" (Pg. 59)
"Marriage doesn't solve emptiness; it exposes it, so marry someone who has a solid core." (Pg. 209)
"Guys, if you marry a woman who is motivated by reverence for God over affection for you, she'll learn to be kind to you and affectionate toward you even when she doesn't feel like it and when you're acting like a jerk. The same thing that feeds her chastity - love and respect for God - will feed sexual enthusiasm within marriage. The same thing that feeds promiscuity before marriage - selfishness and fear - will kill sexual desire after marriage." (Pg. 211)
"Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with." (Pg. 220)
There are some really good books out there regarding the subject of dating and marriage from a Christian perspective. I would place this one towards the top of the bunch. In The Sacred Search, author and pastor, Gary Thomas gives seasoned advice from someone who has witnessed the good, the bad, the ugly, and the utterly unbelievable when it comes to marriages and relationships.
I found his advice to be both authoritative yet compassionate, balanced yet precise, realistic, yet optimistic. This book is dripping with wisdom and those who heed it may save themselves from a lifetime of heartache and incredible stress but they may also position themselves to experience a rich, satisfying marriage relationship that has a profound affect on the kingdom of God. How refreshing it would be to partner with someone who not only encourages us in our pursuit of Christ-likeness but also has the emotional security, stability, and maturity to relate in Godly ways.
Just a few observations from the book I enjoyed -
"There isn't a person alive who can keep you enthralled for the next five or six decades." (Pg. 18)
"When we live for ourselves, we become boring. Most of us are simply not interesting enough on our own to captivate someone else for five or six decades." (Pg.174)
"Ask yourself: 'Ten years from now, what kind of tears do I want to be crying? Tears of joy, or tears of pain? Do I want to be in a marriage that lifts me up, or one that drags me down? A union marked by shared partnership, or one where we're hiding form and hurting each other on a regular basis?'" (Pg 19)
"Our search for a life mate, then isn't one of desperation, but rather one of patiently looking for someone with whom we can share God's love and live out God's purpose.
"Plato's 'soul mate' philosophy circumvents the concept of applying wisdom and replaces it with trying to mystically discern whether or not you are 'meant to be' with someone." (Pg. 58)
"The way someone chooses to get married is a good indicator of the work they'll put in after the wedding takes place in order to make the marriage grow. If someone cuts corners in the decision process - willing to risk their own and your happiness on something as precarious as an infatuation - how do you know they won't want to cut corners when it comes to the nitty-gritty work of building marital intimacy stitch by stitch?" (Pg. 59)
"Marriage doesn't solve emptiness; it exposes it, so marry someone who has a solid core." (Pg. 209)
"Guys, if you marry a woman who is motivated by reverence for God over affection for you, she'll learn to be kind to you and affectionate toward you even when she doesn't feel like it and when you're acting like a jerk. The same thing that feeds her chastity - love and respect for God - will feed sexual enthusiasm within marriage. The same thing that feeds promiscuity before marriage - selfishness and fear - will kill sexual desire after marriage." (Pg. 211)
"Relationships are God's way of working on two people, not helping you find the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with." (Pg. 220)
August 19, 2022
Excellent. I am processing a hard breakup that happened last month. I called it quits because I felt like his character was untrustworthy and hurtful. Still, I miss him often. We had so much fun together. I have been having such a hard time moving on. I listened to the audiobook of The Sacred Search and it was like getting a pep talk from Gary about why I made the right decision, how to be hopeful even as I am single, what strategies I can take to find a better match, and how (and why) I should trust God even if I don’t ever get married. This book reinvigorated my faith and helped me lift my head when many mornings, I have felt like hanging it. So glad that Gary Thomas wrote this book.
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