Nine Essential Conversations before You Say I Do

by Gary L. Thomas, Steve Wilke, Rebecca Wilke

In his popular book, 9 Essential Conversations before You Say I Do, author and pastor Gary Thomas, marriage and family therapist Dr. Steve Wilke and Rebecca Wilke, EdD help couples What marriage means to each individual and whether this is a wise matchHow to engage in essential relational pursuits such as healthy conflict, sexual intimacy, and spiritual intimacyHow to discuss in advance crucial aspects of marriage such as childrearing, finances, and marital rolesWhy asking hard questions now is better than asking them five years from now   With thoughtful questions that encourage couples to examine themselves and their relationships, 9 Essential Conversations before You Say I Do will help couples thrive not only in the early months of their marriage but also in the years to come.   Includes Guides and Questions.  

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Counselling, Nonfiction, Self Help, Christian, Ebooks

133 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Gary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.

Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.

Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).

He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.

Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.

Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.

Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.

Reviews

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was on vacation when I decided to go through this as a devotional/workbook. I am not currently in a dating or courtship relationship, but I would (and have already) recommend this book to any couple that is.

It helps you look at yourself and take stock of what's there. What you will bring into a relationship - both good and bad. I read the "Sacred Search" book in a little less than two days, but this book will (and should) take you much longer as you process and write down your thoughts. Honestly, it made me think about and face things about myself that I didn't even realize needed to be worked through...but now that I'm on the other side of that, I'm so very thankful I read this book.

You will get out of this book only what you put into it. I have the digital version and my kindle is FULL of notes because I journaled directly into it. Sometimes after a session with this book, I actually felt drained and took a nap...but it's scripturally sound and I highly recommend it for any young couple looking at the possibility of marriage. Likewise, I also recommend it for singles to look at and use as a tool to "take stock" of what's there and what their makeup is and so forth. Singles note: If you read the "Sacred Search", it's not hard to figure out at least a "straw" figure of the kind of person you're attracted to, you can work from there. In the event of entering into an actual relationship, you would want to update that.. but for the purpose of getting through this book at times, it may be necessary for you.

NO, it's not easy stuff. It's not fluff and used properly as a tool, this book will not leave you unchanged. Some of it even hurts, it would be lying to not tell you that. Straight out of high school, I wouldn't have even DREAMED of going through a book like this. The language is simple, but the message isn't always easy. Parts of it seem as if the author is against you and not for you - but by the end, I was thankful and grateful I went through it. An odd way to spend a vacation, perhaps, but it was certainly time well spent.

Note (I don't want any confusion here): I didn't have an actual partner to struggle/work with as I went, so I can't really comment on how THAT experience would go. The authors believe in being entirely thorough and this isn't lightweight stuff. However, I should think that two people making a lifelong covenant wouldn't want lightweight counseling.

[Jyotsna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had picked up this book on a whim in early December thinking it was a short read. But what it turned out to be was an enlightening read on understanding the aspects of marriage or a lifelong commitment and the topics that you should discuss with your partner before the same.

The book has been designed keeping a very Christian marriage in mind, with mentorship provided by a pastor or any other church member. It also has these quotes from the Bible which may not be relatable to those who are not religious.

However, there are multiple ways in which the book can be used and not a bad read if you are interested/looking forward to read on the subject.

[Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

"While the Bible says that marriage makes this oneness a declared reality, in human experience It's also a gradual process that we either cultivate or resist"
I wish this book focused more on the GRADUAL growth side of marriage.

I would advise that people with codependent tendencies wait until they are engaged to read this book.

This book is highly triggering for those with an avoidant relational style. It is like drinking from a water hose. It plunges you into everything all at once, and this book does not gently guide you along a journey that prepares you for marriage. Instead, it makes you feel ashamed as if you're not ready for a serious commitment if you cannot bare your soul completely on the first day of your marriage (or even before).

Also I just disagree with the concept that any conflict in your marriage is rooted in sin. What happened to differing opinions or wanting different things for dinner? lol

I would not recommend this book to literally anyone. The only thing that I somewhat liked were the questions for personal reflection that were scattered throughout the book. Many of those were really intimate, and I don't agree with sharing all those answers with your "marriage mentor" who they suggest doesn't have to be a licensed counselor. Sorry, I'd prefer to work through things with someone who knows what they're talking about.

[Katja Labonté]

Free on Amazon (4.7.22)!

[Stephanie Gleizier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Did this book for pre-marital counseling. The book brought up very good topics that my fiance and I hadn't gotten to yet. Some of the questions were hard to understand and answer because of that. But other than that the questions were very thought provoking.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

Taking out the religious side of the book, I think this could be a very useful tool for couples who are considering getting married. There are questions in here that are a helpful tool to get you thinking about what you really want in a marriage, how you see marriage, and whether or not your views/wants line up with your partner. Some of these questions will definitely be tough for some people to answer, and if you use them, there is the possibility you could discover your partner is not the right one for you. If you are open and honest with yourself and the process, these questions will help you to go deep and consider things you might not have thought to ask.

If you are a Christian, this book can also help you to develop a better understanding of the religious side of your marriage. Even if you are not a Christian, I think you can still find the questions helpful because when approached openly, these questions really can help you dig deep and gain a better understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. You may have already discussed some of the questions in this book, but it could give you ideas and conversation starters you did not think to ask.

[Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful Guide for Helpful Conversations

I picked this book up at some point because it was free or on sale, but have been using it as part of a premarital counsel plan. Coupled with a book that goes deeper into biblical marriage, such as “The Meaning of Marriage” (Tim Keller) or “Sacred Marriage” (Gary Thomas), this is a very useful resource and has been a helpful guide for asking pointed questions. The best review I can give is that I will most likely use this again in the future.

[Cade Hightower · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started this book with my fiancee who I am marrying in 8 days. We went through this book with a couple that has had a strong, long marriage with lots of ups and downs. They helped guide us through this book with pointers and tough questions to be answered. The book goes in depth on all the things needed to be discussed prior to going into such a big commitment as marriage. I am happy to say it went well and now we are ready for the big day! I know there are going to be a lot of bumps in the road, but I am excited for us to start a new life together!

[Trish Boese · Rating 5 out of 5]

5* This book provides a fantastic foundation of basic conversations for couples to have. Great topics for newlyweds, engaged young people, or married folks who need to get back on the same page. The guided questions don't allow for keeping secrets; they make you think and voice your feelings and values.

[Hailey Bartlett]

This book was intense and spoke a lot about many aspects of what matters to you and what makes you the person you are and how to find the exact person.

[Melanie Woods · Rating 5 out of 5]

Starting pre marital counseling say whattt! Read It all the way through and will go back and answer questions!

[Rae V · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book to either keep conversations going, or start them! Having read several books about marriage, and general counseling materials, I think this particular book had good connection between the “lesson” of a session and the question prompts. As it should be, very clear and connected throughout.
I think for some couples this could really break open doors, depending on where you are in the relationship and closeness of oneness. For my fiancé and I we breezed through the majority of questions and topics because we’ve already gone in great depth of them. But even still, there were questions with answers that (though maybe predictable for us) was A) nice to hear again and B) reinforced from the start of our relationship to now, we’re still on the same page.
Here’s hoping love and success to all you readers!

[Ian Blaauw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this for pre-marital conversation starters. We read through this together and talked through all the questions instead of with a counselor like the book recommends and we found it to still be a great experience. We had a pretty good sense that we had talked through all the important things already before we got to this book. And we were pretty much right, but we still spent hours of good conversations through each of the chapters talking through details we hadn't talked about.

My main critique is that it's a little light on the sexuality conversation, there's a couple important topics that just aren't mentioned at all (ex. porn). But there are plenty of other excellent books that address that.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book for couples who are engaged or considering engagement! It serves as an excellent guide for those needed conversations. The authors spend a little bit of time teaching, but most of the book is focused on helping you know where each other stands on various topics, what kinds of things might be issues moving forward, and what kinds of things might mean you need to pause or end a relationship. This book also has helpful tips for counselors leasing couples through these conversations.

[Mai · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is a good book that tackles important questions that should be answered by couples before marriage to avoid troubles that could arise later after marriage or even worse these problems could lead to divorce due to differences on these issues concerning money ,sex ,children ,compromise and how to handle conflict when it happens . A must-read for engaged couples :)

[Andy Febrico Bintoro · Rating 4 out of 5]

Premarital punch list

Premarital punch list, whether or not the couple ready to marriage. This guide was good for pastors and counselor as a framework or guidance on premarital counseling, as many couples would come to their pastors rather than professional counselor before marriage.

[Mary Lyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book for asking hard questions when seriously dating. We are going to use this book with a couple who has asked us to meet with them for "pre-engagement" counseling. Great information and then questions at the end of each chapter. This isn't "enough" if the only source of premarital counseling/ discussions but is a great place to start necessary conversations.

[Heather · Rating 2 out of 5]

A decent guide to conversations that should be had before your wedding. Not the most comprehensive or in depth, but helpful as a starting point. The devotionals are lacking - it is just a couple pages to read through, no questions.

[BJ Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book for anyone in a serious relationship, engaged, or even newly married. It is loaded with excellent insights and is birthed out of a solidly Biblical worldview. I am absolutely certain I will be using this book in any and all premarital counseling I will do in the future.

[Madison Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really loved the questions in this book. My fiancé and I read it after finishing Gary Thomas’s book Sacred Search and it was the perfect follow up and the perfect book to help us have important conversations after we got engaged

[Elizabeth Wilkinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid book with lots of foundational topics. A good conversation starter for early in the relationships or for those who struggle to know what to talk about. By the time my boyfriend & I read it, we had covered most of the topics already.

[Jason · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good material here for counseling.

[Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/13099015

[Frans Kempe · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book with nine chapters with an introduction of the topic and questions to ask. A good companion book to other books he has written.

[Kim Sutphen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has some really good questions in it for pre-engaged/engaged couples to work through. I’m going to incorporate these questions into another pre-marital curriculum we use.

[AJ Rankin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this one for my premarital/marital counseling class. This book is serves as the older, wiser mentor who is not afraid of being candid with a couple as they are approaching marriage.

[Haithamarafatyahoo.Com · Rating 3 out of 5]

a below average book

An okay book. Not that wow. The sacred search is way better. Gary Thomas is a good writer indeed. Can’t wait to see another book for Gary

[Tom · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is ok, and the conversations are good. It just feels short and a little under-developed. Still a resource I’d use in pre-marital conversations, though.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Used this one for premarital counseling. Has a lot of good questions and was a good guide!

[Frans Kempe · Rating 3 out of 5]

A guide with questions to help prepare for marriage.