My Mother and Other Secrets

by Wendyl Nissen

Uncovering old family secrets leads Wendyl Nissen to a better understanding of her mother.

When Wendyl Nissen's mother was suffering with Alzheimer's, she told some extraordinary stories about her background that Wendyl had never heard before.

Determined to get to the bottom of these family secrets, Wendyl found some wild and intriguing stories of loss, grief and love.

She uncovered new relatives, deeply sad adoptions, harsh parenting, complex marriages and a few rogues. These stories often highlighted how tough life was for women and children in an era when women had to fight for every bit of independence they gained.

This compelling, moving book is about mothers and daughters, ageing and the way deep family traumas echo down through the generations. It is also spliced with wisdom on caring for someone with dementia.

288 pages, Paperback

Published March 31, 2021

Reviews

[Jessica Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

I felt like this book was the mother I never had. I learned a lot in the pages, through the skillful, honest and insightful narration of Wendyl.
Who thankfully had one stable parent! (Noting my lack of that in my life).
I cried at the end, although nothing more or less emotional happened there than anywhere else in the book, it was the practical advice around what to do with what you just learned. And realizing how little of that there is anywhere else.
One note, to the author... don't worry, I don't think there is a normal. I thought (and wished for) normal was both parents liking their children, and siblings caring about eachother, but once I ask anyone, I find it's somewhat more normal to have at least one shitbag parent, and at least one awful nasty sibling. It's quite unique when the rare 2 loving parents and wonderful supportive siblings occurs.
I gave it 5 stars, which I don't often do, but I think I'll see my whole life differently, and stronger, as a result of the stories shared. There is wisdom imparted here, that's worth all the stars one can give.

[Angelique Simonsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

An honest and heartbreaking memior.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

The relationship between Mother and Daughter is complex, the impact of unconditional love vs conditional expectations has longevity.
I really appreciate that Wendyl was so brave in her writing reading her story there was some beautiful insights. I imagine there was some healing in this for her.
It touched on things in my own upbringing that were in some places good for reflection. It’s nice to see similar experiences from a different lens.

[Janette Renor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Usually takes me a while to read a book but I finished this in 24 hours. So easy to read with relatable topics and so nice to read a book with all the familiar NZ places that I know. A great story of a family and all the interesting stories behind each person within a family.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a family member in the grip of Alzheimer's then this is the book for you. While her mother was suffering from the disease, Nissen's mother let slip some family stories that she had never heard before. Getting to the bottom of these stories helped her see her mother in a whole new light. Her mother grew up in a different era, where sex out of marriage was definitely frowned upon. Harsh parenting, and adoption in a time pre-dating women's lib, meant a traumatic childhood for Nissen's mother and this influenced her own parenting style.
At the end of the book, Nissen provides some very useful information about dealing with a family member with Alzheimer's Disease - tips and resources she wished she had know about at the time.

[Jean Dorrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mother often said "If I don't laugh, I'll cry" and that is how this book made me feel.

I think that everyone's experience of a parent with dementia is different but there are many of the same elements:
The changing dynamic of parent-child to adult child-needy parent
Differences of opinion between remaining family members
And the biggest one, the enormity of how horrendous it is to watch someone lose their mind and not be able to do anything.

While my experience and relationship with my mother are very different to that of the author, the emotions are common. I read this in one sitting and felt that I had found someone who gets it.

[Julie Schooler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Half a memoir of family secrets and half a manual for carers of those with dementia, this is an engaging book. The writing was easy to read, the family history part was interesting and carer advice important to know. The trouble I have is who is this book for? I read it because the family history intrigued me and others would pick it up because it would help to hear what to do (and NOT to do) with a person who has dementia and other ailments. But who would want to read about both - perhaps it should have been two books? I liked this book very much AND don't know who to recommend it to.

[Lesley · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting read , I found the first half a little challenging to get my head around the early history but the second half of the book was enlightening. Thanks Wendyl for sharing your story . I found the advice at the back very useful and have noted down some information

[Wren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated this book and flew through it. Solid insights in the impacts of childhood trauma, unstable parents, the vakue of knowing your ancestry, dementia, grief and the importance of advance directives.

[Marie Nimmo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

An awesome read and so close to home. Thanks Wendyl, great tips and things for me to investigate.

[Adrienne Flitcroft · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good, easy, quick read.
A little relatable & quite sad.

[Helen Cummings · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this to be a very interesting and engaging read.

[Rosemary Ann Williamson · Rating 3 out of 5]

it was interesting.

[Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book struck home as I watched my own mother diminish with dementia. It’s a must read for all adults, either caring for older parents or those who want to get their own end of life sorted

[Wendy Lovatt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting and insightful.

[Sharon N · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hard ro read. Too close to home.

[Bronte King · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very sad and interesting

[Teresa Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

First half a 2.5 rating - struggled a bit with it. Second half a 4.5 rating. Very insightful and valuable details.

[Gia Williams · Rating 2 out of 5]

So, it’s taken me a while to write this review. Why? It’s a book that has truely haunted me and set in stone how generations of abuse flows like black waterfalls through the veins of truely inhuman people.
One turn of a page and a few lines of words put me into a spin knowing the people in the book wasn’t something I was looking for. To learn that the person whom abused someone I know can came from two possibly three generations of abusers.
There has only ever been two books in my lifetime of reading that I can’t have in my home and this is one of them.
Truth hurts.

Sticks and stones can break my bones but some books can truely free people.