I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement

by Jessica Zucker (Author, Narrator)

Approximately one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and one in 100 result in stillbirth. In this half memoir, half manifesto, Zucker documents her mission to break open the silence, stigma, and shame surrounding pregnancy loss. Drawing from Zucker's expertise as a psychologist specializing in reproductive and maternal health, I Had a Miscarriage is a heartbreaking, hopeful book about loss, recovery, and honesty around birthing bodies—an urgent reminder, in these trying times, of the power of speaking openly and truthfully about one's experiences.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Audiobook, Mental Health, Feminism, Psychology, Death

9 pages, Audiobook

First published March 9, 2021

Reviews

[Julia Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Second and favorite book on the subject so far, written by a therapist specializing in maternal mental health who went through the experience first hand. It took me a while to be in the mood to read it, but it was given to me by a beloved sister in law who read it to be there for me after my two losses in 2021.
I found it very validating, but not dwelling. Through her accounts of patient stories, I felt like I found some therapy techniques helpful to my thoughts. The best chapters for me related experiences in people saying the wrong thing or being deeply uncomfortable with you sharing your experience, and also about spouses processing this loss differently. Someday I hope to show radical honesty and transparency on this subject, as the author does, because it shouldn't be taboo, but this feels like the only home I can dip my toe into sharing publicly at the moment.
This was a lot more hopeful than the previous book I read on the subject. I would advise skipping the first chapter, as there is no graphic content warning, depending on where you are in your journey. I own this book, but would like to pass it on to the next person in my life who needs to read it (and be there for them).

[Katharina Boyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

Validated is the best word I can think of to describe this book. If you have experienced pregnancy loss, I highly recommend this book. Or if you don’t know what to say to someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, I highly recommend this book.

[Amanda G · Rating 5 out of 5]

An emotional read at times, but an informative one. This is a great resource that provides insight into how many women feel after a pregnancy loss and concrete ways to support them.

[Sierra Bufalino · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book everyone should read! I feel so validated and understood ❤️

[Amanda LeGuerrier · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m heartbroken that this book had to end, I could have kept reading it's words for weeks on end.

It is definitely not a book I ever wanted to need, or even thought that I would ever need, but I’m so glad I had it when I did. Every few pages, I found myself reading the exact words I needed to hear and others I didn’t even know I needed until they hit me. I wish I had read it sooner, so I could have been a better friend to others in their hardest moments.

I’m not usually one to buy books or reread them once I’ve finished, but this one is different and I know I’ll come back to it again and again.

[Rachel Tridas · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no guidebook for grief after pregnancy loss. Each person’s loss will look different. Therefore, the grief that follows and the processing that takes place will look different. This book urges all people that are touched by pregnancy loss to embrace the grief and the nuance. It is a powerful book that I would suggest to anyone who experienced pregnancy loss, friends and family of those that have experienced loss, and anyone who is considering trying to get pregnant.

[Shaimaa]

“Shouldn't anyone who has experienced a loss be given the space, and grace, to continue to mourn a future that was only given a chance to exist in their mind?”

[Jacqueline · Rating 4 out of 5]

I pre-ordered this book 6 months ago and was eagerly awaiting its arrival. I follow Dr. Zucker on IG and this book is dear to my heart because of the horrible year I had in 2020. Dr. Zucker vividly describes her extremely traumatic 16-week miscarriage at home (WARNING: not for the faint of heart, especially if you're currently pregnant or still processing trauma from a loss.. I felt pretty queasy and uncomfortable) while integrating her memoir of healing with other stories from her clients and general thoughts on dealing with grief. I found this an extremely valuable resource for people going through a loss and trying to process it. She echos a lot of common feelings after a miscarriage: guilt/shame, sadness at the world moving on while you're struggling, a lost sense of purpose, isolation.
Even if you haven't had a miscarriage before, I would recommend this book for anyone who's interested in stories of grief and how to comfort a grieving person. In general, it's so important to be comfortable with sitting with someone's pain as they mourn, instead of trying to give advice or find a silver lining.

[Amber Duerwaechter · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me a long time to find it in myself to 1- order the book 2- actually start 3-keep reading. For someone that has experienced this several times it’s not something I wanted to read about but I’m glad I did. This is probably one of the first times I’ve felt truly seen/validated in my experience. The last 2-3 chapters especially resonated with me. When you’re ready, I recommend adding this to your book shelf and start reading it when the time feels right, you’ll be glad you did. I also really recommend this to anyone as it helps deepen the understanding of such a personal experience.

[Alicia Cook · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't wait for this book to come out. I was so excited when my pre-order arrived. This book will save hearts and ease souls. This book will make waves and calm chaos. This book will start conversations and normalize this particular grief. This book is necessary and long overdue. Read it. Gift it.

[Bonnie Fernandez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Validating, inspiring, healing.

[Janae · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book! I connected with the author on so many levels. She put into words my pain and grief! I loved her vulnerability and giving a voice to so many who stay silent!

[Kara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just over a week ago marked 8 years since my miscarriage. That seems like both a long time and just a blink. For the last few years when the anniversary of that date rolls around, as well as my due date, I haven’t really felt too emotional. Those feelings tend to hit at random times throughout the year when I imagine what might have been. I picture what our family would look like now had my baby survived. I think about how different I would be without that loss. Reading this book made me think about a lot of things. I realized that so often I downplay my feelings and invalidate my own experiences because it’s something we just don’t talk about and I try not to make others feel awkward or uncomfortable. Things I would never dream of saying to someone else, like “at least…” and “everything happens for a reason” I’ve said in relation to me. It took me over 6 months after I lost my baby to realize that I was depressed and that was only after I finally brought it up with friends and realized that many had also had their own losses. Why do we not talk about it more?!?! Talking about it and finding understanding and compassion as well as my own spiritual experiences related to it were key to helping me heal, though as the book says that’s a relative term since I don’t think you can ever fully heal from losses like these in this life.

Rating a book like this is really hard. Ultimately my rating reflects my own personal experience with it. There was a lot that resonated and a lot of good. A book like this is needed to open up conversation around pregnancy loss and the stigmas and shame that come with it. For me though, there was an uncomfortable slant throughout that did not align with my own values regarding gender, marriage, and family. The way it was worded also felt almost pretentious in its effort to be intellectual with lots of big words that left me feeling like the author was trying too hard to sound smart.

Though I do know God has a plan and I trust in His wisdom in my loss and all things, I know that it’s ok to be not ok sometimes. It’s right and good to grieve and hurt and wonder why things happen. And it’s important to open up about what we’re going through to give and receive support and empathy.

[Lynn · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author talks about her miscarriage and the affect it had on her then reaches out to other women to find out their experiences. She then looks at practices all over the world and in history to understand miscarriage better.

[Rebekah Carr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend to anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss 🩵 Feeling less alone.

[Rebecca Nicholson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t know how to write a review for something like this, so I’ll leave my star rating with this quote from the text: “we can hurt and be healing simultaneously. We can be grateful for what we have and angry about what we don’t at exactly the same time. We can dive deep into the pit of our pain and not forget the beauty our life maintains. We can hold both. We can grieve and laugh at precisely the same moment. We can make love and mourn in the same week. Be crestfallen and hopeful. We can hold both.”
I’m grateful for this book, and what the author is trying to do for the pregnancy and infant loss community.

[Skye Gwynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not sure I could have read this book sooner, but in the weeks leading up to our one-year-anniversary of loss, it seemed to be the time. I read the bulk of this book curled up in bed crying my eyes out - and it helped enormously. I would recommend this for those who have had a miscarriage or stillbirth (if and when the time feels right) but also to those who haven't experienced it. Jessica Zucker powerfully captures her own miscarriage story in a way that empowers, uplifts, and pulls back the curtain of shame hiding this still-too-silenced topic.

[Brittany Mezger · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Together, we have the chance to rewrite the reproductive-loss script —we already are, in fact — for grievers and loved ones alike. It's underway, this much-needed zeitgeist shift.
Imagine if the reproductive-loss landscape looked and felt fully inclusive of the spectrum of reproductive outcomes; if grief were no longer conceptualized as something to do away with, but rather were respected as the wise teacher it is; if silence, stigma, and shame dissipated altogether, and we actively moved closer to uncomfortable conversations, rather than further away. Then, and only then, will society change form. Permeating culture, storytelling would— once and for all-replace silence, making as much room for heartache as it needs, in perpetuity. With no rush, no expiration dates, no comparing or contrasting, no turning in on the self. None of that. Instead, this newfound spaciousness would normalize the circuitousness of bereavement and reframe discussions around pregnancy and infant loss.
Make no mistake: this is radical. Our mothers and grand-mothers, aunts and sisters do not necessarily know what this world looks like, and it may be a difficult mindset to adjust to. What we are creating, through our vulnerability, our stories, our deeply personal and yet magically universal histories, may stir mixed feelings: everything from resentment that they did not receive the same support we are offering to those who come after us, to old and unprocessed grief— grief they were not allowed the time nor the space nor the language to process.”

I found so much solidarity in this memoir and the stories told within.
In an ideal world, anyone who has experienced a pregnancy or infant loss or anyone with a loved one who has would read this book to see how to best support them.
I found words for my emotions that I haven’t been able to find on my own❤️‍🩹

[Georgia Kidd · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written book that anyone who has suffered through a pregnancy loss, or anyone supporting someone who has, should read.

[Katelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zucker, a psychologist specializing in maternal women's mental health, started a movement on social media to encourage women to talk about their miscarriages. In this book she shares her personal story miscarrying her daughter at 16 weeks (she gives birth to her daughter at home without realizing she is in labor; it's traumatic and you may not want to read this book while pregnant). She also shares stories of some of her patients (with names changed and identifying details removed) and their experiences with miscarriages and stillbirths. She emphasizes the importance of having space for everyone's stories. A powerful, quick read. Recommended.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Without a memoir like this, I never would’ve felt so seen, so understood, and so validated in the pain and grief I experienced with my own miscarriage. Jessica’s account of her personal experience, her professional insight, and her incredible desire to break the stigma and the shame of grief and loss intertwine to create a book so moving I simply could not put it down. I recommend this to anyone who’s been through this pain, who knows someone who has, or who understands that they may someday down the line.

[Melo Garcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't express in words how this book moved me! I felt as if the author was in the room with me, and we are old friends- she validates all that I've carried and taken away the stigma of my own experiences with miscarriage! I will recommend this book to every woman and parent that faces miscarriage to help navigate their journey of grieving and the emotional, physical, and social stigma of miscarriage! Jessica Zucker has written a handbook to walk us through the most challenging moment of any woman’s life!

[Kelsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

Can’t recommend unless you have children.
The author (who had a child before and after her experience) felt unrelatable and the book left me feeling even worse about my own experiences.

Perhaps if you haven’t experienced miscarriage and infertility this would be relatable but there were a number of “digs” that felt personal.

This book came highly recommended and I was very disappointed.

Giving two stars instead of one because I appreciate miscarriage being talked about even if it just made me feels worse.

[Dr. Lillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly accessible memoir and critical teachings for grievers and supporters alike. Dr. Zucker’s personal story and her experience in maternal mental health complement one another nicely. I was disappointed, however, in the limited discussions about recurrent pregnancy loss and pregnancy loss during infertility treatments. Multiple times in the first half of the book especially the “reason” for many pregnancy losses was stated to be genetic, which tends to be true, but very little was said for those losses resulting from non-genetic causes (one patient had a stillbirth believed to be caused by a uterine malformation). Significant discussion about self blame and guilt was present and how most often there is nothing the pregnant person did to cause the loss, but much of this discussion was in the context of genetic abnormalities. As a recurrent pregnancy loss survivor (5 losses—3 confirmed “genetically normal” and 2 not tested because I was told “you’re young, you’re healthy, miscarriage is normal”— including a second trimester IVF baby, and no living children), we have finally determined that my body is failing to carry successfully due to several factors and disease. I would have liked to read some ways to rationalize the very real truth that it is my body that is the problem, it is not merely a perception (and I recognize that the losses have nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do, but it’s my body that is the problem, not genetics of the baby). Additionally, one patient story discusses IVF in the context of faith-based practice and concern about “playing GD,” and that’s a really great perspective, but it would have been more helpful in my opinion to have a discussion about pregnancy loss following infertility treatments, which have their own very unique griefs due to the typical long-term nature of treatment. In the case of IUI and IVF it can often take multiple rounds of treatments for a successful live birth, and it’s a very different situation than spontaneous/unassisted conception attempts. I fully recognize that Dr. Zucker is writing from her own experiences and the book couldn’t address every possible scenario, and I believe it’s a really good start for starting discussions about miscarriage, pregnancy loss, and how to support the parents.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the subtitle suggests, the idea of this book is at least in part to start a movement: one in which we acknowledge that miscarriages affect the lives of so very many women, that when we talk about the things that happen to us we normalize our grief and connect with each other, that the full breadth of feelings that do or don't happen when a loss occurs is ok.

Zucker writes from the perspective of a maternal mental health expert who also happens to experience loss herself, an experience I can deeply relate to as a palliative care social worker who has worked extensively with women who have experience infant loss and who has had two personal pregnancy losses. I value her willingness to dig deep into her own experience for the sake of readers who need to feel understood. She also includes other women's stories to weave a richer tapestry of what this particular loss can look and feel like. This book has inspired me to write more often and more freely about my own experiences as well.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was also just good. It's difficult to gauge what a good nonfiction book feels like for me because my mind often focuses on how it takes me longer to read nonfiction in comparison to fiction books. This book was really great though. I learned more about miscarriages, especially the different types from earlier to later stage miscarriages. I also thought it was extremely interesting to see how Zucker experienced this trauma because she's also a psychologist with a specialty in reproductive topics. So that perspective was extremely unique and compelling. Sometimes the text felt less like a memoir than I was hoping - the text was certainly to serve as a place to understand the multitude of miscarriage/reproductive experiences, but sometimes I wanted to dig just a little bit deeper into Zucker's personal life. However, it was also cool to hear about a lot of different types of stories from people in her practice.

[Mary-Beth Kinchen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The ability of this book to make me feel seen and validated was something like magic. I’ve had so much thoughts and questions and worries come up since my pregnancy loss - most of which I haven’t been able to articulate or come to terms with - and at every chapter, this author was able to articulate the words for me, express the pain that I can’t seem to describe, and validate me. This book made me feel less shame, more empowered, and has helped me have a framework for moving forward with my grief. I’ve have you had to read this book, I am so sorry. And I hope it makes you feel validated. If you personally haven’t experienced pregnancy loss, I still highly recommend as she does a phenomenal job of explaining the nuances of pregnancy loss that would benefit others helping pregnant people navigate this.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I purchased this book as part of a PSI book club discussion…that I ended up not being able to attend. The author not only shared her own journey through miscarriage, grief, and pregnancy after loss, she exposed how healthcare, mental health, and social supports must acknowledge loss from miscarriage. She shared the trauma and lingering pain women carry for years due to the the norm of healthcare, society, and culture to simply not talk about miscarriage. How do we move on if we can’t process our loss? How does this impact mental health? We need to commonize miscarriage loss and grief.

[Madi Petersen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this book. As a perinatal mental health certified therapist, as a mother, as a griever, as a human being. I needed this book. It has been 8 years since living through my own miscarriages, a lot of healing has happened in my grief process. But this book touched places I didn’t know still needed to be held. I felt seen and understood by Jessica in ways that felt so incredibly personal. I feel inspired and renewed in the importance of the work I do now, sitting with women in their own difficult grief stories. I feel empowered by Jessica’s personal and professional stories to continue doing this work with full confidence that it matters deeply.

I hope someday I can look you right in the eye and tell you, thank you. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for doing this work. Thank you for bravely allowing us all into your vulnerable places so that we can show up in our lives a little bit more honestly as well.

[Noel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I believe this book is a must read for everyone in our culture - miscarriage or not. More than likely someone you know has had fertility issues, experienced pregnancy loss/had a stillbirth, followed by the many nuances and hardships that come with them. This book will give you insight, as well as tools on how to be there for those who have had these experiences. The book is beautifully written, poignant, and beyond validating. I truly don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t discovered I Had a Miscarriage and the powerful, life-changing, radical work of Jessica Zucker. Thank you for seeing me and thank you for seeing all of us.