Between: A guide for parents of eight to thirteen-year-olds

by Sarah Ockwell-Smith

'Full of practical parenting advice that will give you the tools to guide your child through this time' Daily Express

Raising a tween can often leave you feeling like a parenting beginner all over again. Children in the 'between' stage seem to change almost daily, leaving many parents struggling to understand the child they once thought they knew so well. In Between , parenting expert and mother of four Sarah Ockwell-Smith uses a unique blend of the biology, psychology and sociology of adolescence as the basis for practical parenting advice that you can use to help your child through the transition from childhood to adulthood.

It explores key issues,

*Why tweens can often be moody, rude, lazy and impulsive - and how to cope with their behaviour
*What exactly happens during puberty - and when and how to talk to your tween about it
* How to navigate friendships and romantic relationships in the tween years
*How to encourage good mental health and body image
*Managing screen time and avoiding common pitfalls
*Supporting the transition to secondary school

Between also offers advice on coping with your own feelings as your child moves through this busy developmental period, and how to let go and give them wings to fly. The tween years can be a difficult period for parent and child alike, but your openness and support is key to building the relationship that you will have with your child for the rest of their life. Between is the handbook that will guide you across the bridge from childhood into adolescence, together with your child.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook

272 pages, Paperback

Published December 13, 2022

About the author

Born in Bedfordshire, England in 1976, Sarah Ockwell-Smith is a mother of four school aged children, three boys and one girl.

After graduating with an honors degree in Psychology, specialising in child development, she embarked on a five year career in Pharmaceutical Research and Development, working with clinical trial data, until she became pregnant with her first child in 2001. After the birth of her firstborn Sarah retrained as an Antenatal Teacher, hypnotherapist/Psychotherapist, Infant Massage Instructor and Birth and Postnatal Doula. Over the years Sarah has updated her knowledge with various study days and courses including paediatric first aid, paediatric safeguarding, perinatal psychology and birth trauma.

Sarah now works as a parenting author, writer and coach. With a particular interest in child sleep.

Reviews

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Grāmata runā ar mazo pusaudžu vecākiem ļoti cilvēcīgā valodā - sākot no smadzeņu attīstības īpatnībām šajā vecuma posmā, beidzot ar ekrānu lietošanas, personiskās higiēnas un medijpratības tēmām. Manuprāt, ļoti patīkams līdzsvars starp teoriju un empātisku pieeju attiecību veidošanai ar savu lielo mazo bērnu.

Vērtīgas šķita nodaļas par mazo pusaudžu draudzībām, nākotnes izvēlēm un naudas tēmām - autore dalās savā pieredzē un kas palīdzējis viņas bērniem veiksmīgi “navigēt” šo vecuma posmu.

Visvairāk atmiņā no izlasītā paliks divi padomi. Pirmais - par to, ka visupirms pieaugušajiem jāstrādā ar sevi un savām reakcijām, to cēloņiem un tikai pēc tam jāmēģina mainīt mazo pusaudžu uzvedība.

Otrs - par pašapziņas veidošanu un attīstīšanu mūsu bērnos - jo tieši iekšējais kompass un spēcīgs ‘es’ viņam būs vislabākais pamats gan līdzsvarotu attiecību veidošanai ar sevi un ar cilvēkiem sev apkārt: ar vienaudžiem, skolotājiem, ģimeni.

[Megan Helmer]

I was expecting more but I guess that’s not to say it was bad. I really struggle with parenting books but this was recommended to me so I wanted to give it a good try! It was just a little too “gentle” for me. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

[Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely essential reading. I’ve read Sarah’s previous books and nuggets from her mailing list and this age group definitely needed its own book.
I read ‘The Book you wish your parents had read’ beforehand and I think they go together perfectly. We need to understand our own tween (8-13) history, our own parents style (authoritarian or authoritative) , our automatic reactions based on learned behaviour and figure out what we would like to change about our tween years, before we start parenting our own tweens.
I usually buy ebooks but I suspected this would be one I’d need in paperback so I could share it amongst friends.
Thanks Sarah

[Fawna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing really groundbreaking but more a compilation of really great reminders, laid out in a very organized and detailed fashion.

[Tina · Rating 3 out of 5]

It started out with some great brain info and - for me - declined from there. Most likely, this is because I've read more scholarly writings and this one is more from intuition only. She has lovely thoughts on many things and I agree with many of them. I will say this is very geared toward parents who send kids to school, and is less helpful for homeschooling parents. Overall, the message is positive, and always good to revisit, but it wasn't the most helpful book I've read on the tween years so far in terms of giving me new knowledge or ideas.

[Anneke Hudson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of parenting books and many are either similar or fairly useful but a bit meh. This is a really fantastic one for a parent of tweens. Full of practical tips, information, easy to understand, logical, well structured and just really fab. Highly recommend. Covers a huge number of topics that are very relevant in a sensitive and intelligent way.

[Beth Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought the first few chapters were excellent, but the rest was hit or miss for me by topic. Like all parenting books, there were helpful ideas and ideas that were not for me. Overall I think I’d recommend; I plan to have my husband listen and I’m sure I’ll revisit some of the chapters in the next seven years of having “betweens”.

[Chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant parenting book. Would recommend to those parenting tweens.

[Kelly Howe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have always turned to books if I wasn’t sure on how to do something, and these “tween” years are definitely something I’m not sure on.
There’s loads of how to’s for pregnancy, babies and toddlers but there isn’t much for this age and it’s hard. Really hard.
I found a lot of useful info in this book, including the changes that happen in the brain that cause “tweens” to act/react in the way they do.

[Lauren Canafax · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughtful, easy-to-read, practical advice for raising tweens. I loved the organization of the book and the topics covered. My main critique is that the chapter on screen time seemed pretty surface-level for a book published in 2021. We now have so much evidence that social media in particular can be detrimentally harmful to tweens, so I was hoping for more than one page of advice on navigating the social media world with tweens. Otherwise this was a great, easy-to-read parenting book that I’m sure I’ll reference as my children move through their tween years.

[Lina Alsagient · Rating 3 out of 5]

Βοηθητικό!

[Brittania Anoai Gonzalez brittania_and_the_books · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was filled with great reminders and some good ideas

[Gunita · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ļoti saprotamā valodā sarakstīta grāmata. Daudz palīdz izprast bērnus jau pirmajā nodaļā par smadzeņu attīstību. Tiešām noderīgi. Konspektēju un uzreiz pārrunājām ar bērnu. Forši, ka arī bērnam ir interese izprast sevi, jo skolā šo nemāca.
Manuprāt, lasot grāmatu, izlasītā tēma ir jāliek uzreiz lietā, respektīvi, ir jāizrunā ar bērnu, ja tas ir saistoši tieši jums. Bija tēmas, kas ir jau runātas un forši apzināties, ka ir darīts pareizi.
Ja tev tuvojas bērns astoņgadnieks, noteikti iesaku izlasīt.

[Becky Dickerson · Rating 5 out of 5]

So much has been written about toddlers and teenagers that I was under the impression that these middle years were the smooth bit. As a parent of a ten year old I am now very aware that there is already a lot going on and I feel like two different people inhabit his body sometimes. The child I had, and the teen he is preparing to grow into. This is the first book I have seen that covers this 'between' stage and I like Sarah Okwell-Smith's approach to parenting so I was excited to see if it would help me navigate these pre teen changes.  I don't tend to read parenting books often but I am happy to accept any help to equip me through these challenges, especially knowing I have another four children to guide through this stage.


The first chapter of Between covers some neuroscience but it is quickly turned into language we can understand and ideas that are certainly already familiar to me and I finished this chapter with a much better knowledge of how tween brains are changing at this stage and how my expectations should too. This has already opened conversations with my tweens about how they think and how they are starting to change.


 The early chapters focus a lot on how it isn't hormones necessarily to blame for those changes but the brain and I am already finding this new understanding to be powerful when it comes to how I approach my own tweens. 


As the book progresses, it covers body positivity, mental health, preparing for secondary school, love and identity and raising allies and activists amongst other things. I was interested in the screen time chapter as that is something at the forefront of my mind and I have come away with a new understanding of how best to support my children going forward with this. I think different people will turn to this book for different reasons and there are a great number of topics covered if you just want to dip in and get some ideas or support for one issue. There were subjects that didn't feel as relevant for us just yet but in a year or two they may be the ones I go back for.


I found the chapter on raising a financially literate tween one of the most interesting and am already putting ideas I read into place to open these conversations and teach money management. There is a lot of food for thought as well as practical tips on how to prepare our tweens for real life. 


Between was everything I hoped for. It made me feel seen as a parent during this  new stage, it helped explain why my children are behaving the way they are and it gave me practical ideas going forward on how I can support them to become confident and considerate teenagers. It is the kind of book I will probably pick up again as we progress along this new path (and again as I navigate these years with my daughter).

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Smith has some good points: how the brain rewires itself during puberty, how tween behaviors that drive parents nuts aren't intentional, and about the "psi" method of gentle discipline/coaching based parenting.

That said, UGH what a slog! It was so dull and dry it took me half a year to get through it--and that's even with me skipping chapters I disagreed with! Most of her points are nothing new if you've been around Ross Greene, Janet Lansbury, or any other "gentle parenting" experts.

[Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of the book held my interest more than the latter half, the first part being about the cognitive and physical changes that happen in the tween years, and the effect on behaviour. The second half was okay, but a little too 'gentle' for my parenting style. Overall, the book provided me with the opportunity to reflect on my response to situations and actions, and to think ahead to situations which will arise in the coming years.

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

My oldest is only 7, so I’m a little ahead of my game, but this book was full of practical advice I can already see being useful! There really does seem to be a drop off in parenting advice/resources once kids are in primary school, so I found this helpful in filling the gap.

[Lol Lowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful into understanding my tweens mindset and how different it is from an adults. It's been really helpful to navigate issues around chores and finances too.

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book that I needed to read more than I wanted too—tweens are tough! This booked helped and had a lot of good reminders, a couple good ideas that were new to me, and was ultimately helpful, but what a slog to get through! Some parts were interesting—especially the thoughts/answers written by real tweens—but a lot was just superfluous sentences and paragraphs that felt as if the author was trying to hit a certain word count.

Overall, it was helpful for the specific age group my daughter is now in, but I think I’ll stick to my go-to parenting books ( How to Talk so… and The Good Enough Parent) from now on.

Quotes/notes I found helpful:

“They get so caught up in their emotions that they cannot think rationally…There is no point in chastising them for this emotional outburst - they can't change their brain or the processes by which their thoughts and actions are controlled.”

“Our strong reactions…are more to do with our own upbringing than our tweens behaviour.”

“Explain to them that it can help to imagine a worry or fear as a superhero, trying to save them - only they're a bit of a silly superhero and sometimes they respond when they don't need to.”

Praise efforts not outcomes.

Behavioural regression is expected when they change schools.

‘Tricky People’ is the new (and more accurate) ‘Stranger Danger.’

[Mummy_book_worm · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. A friend recommended this book as one of my children has recently entered their "tweens" and I found myself asking friends (and myself) regularly, what is going on?!

The structure of the book is well thought out, dealing with things in an almost chronological order. It discusses the physical, mental, and social topics that really matter in bringing up children today. It made me realise some of the unconscious biases I have and I am working on changing but also to be honest gave me slight anxiety on the matters I am going to have to support my children through and I am not sure I'm equipped for. This book has definitely helped me with some of these topics, but I feel more learning for me is required to ensure I support my children the best I can to be their best and true self.

[Elza · Rating 3 out of 5]

Piekrītot grāmatas anonsā paustajam, ka ir milzīgs informācijas robs par mazo tīņu vecuma starpposmu no 8 līdz 13 gadiem, liku lielas cerības, ka šī grāmata sniegs vērtīgus padomus, kā šo sarežģīto vidusposmu starp bērnību un pusaudzību izdzīvot maksimāli veiksmīgi un nesāpīgi visām iesaistītajām pusēm. Bija vērtīgi informācijas un domu graudi, bet kopumā man likās, ka grāmatā procentuāli pārāk daudz ir veltīts saturam par homoseksualitāti (un tās daudzajiem paveidiem), rasismu, homofobiju, sufražismu, feminismu, Grētu Tūnbergu, black lives matter utt. Vārdu sakot, tēmas, kuras manā vidusmēra latvieša dzīvē nav tās sāpīgākās un aktuālākās attiecībā uz manu mazo pusaudzi Cerēju uz konkrētākiem padomiem, bet kopumā tie bija diez gan izplūduši, tāpēc šoreiz tikai 3*.

[Ilze Sperga · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesnai puorskaiteit, kab saprostu vacuma pūsma breinumus i puorsteigumus. Kai ar vysim cytim pūsmim - ari itys puorīs. Vīneigi ka par divgadnīku "nā" i ļimšonu iz zemis, treisgadnīku "pats" i izslēgt gaismu, kab īslāgtu i pats izslāgtu ir skaiteits daudz, koč kas jau zynoms par pusaudža periodu, itys pūsmys pa vydu palics bez īviereibys. Jī vaira nav mozi bārni, jī ari nav leli bārni i kur ta vēļ lelī, pīaugušī. Jī ir mozi i drusku leli. Gudri i zynūši, bet na vysod saprass, kū soki par lītom, dzeivi, kuorteibu, i saprass pa sovam. I tys ir normali. Jī vystik vēļ ir bārni.
Ir patīseibā tik labi saprast, kai ari par cytim periodim bārna dzeivē, ka itai ir ari cytim.

[Kristen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ehhhh. I had to kind of skim most of this. It’s VERY opinion heavy with about a chapter of actual research based/scientific information. I share most of the same parenting style techniques as the author, so much of what she said kind of felt like common sense to me…and it still felt like it was being shoved down my throat.

If you’re looking for a factual book about your child’s development during these years, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for a guide to a gentler approach to parenting your child during these years and don’t know where the heck to start, then this might be the right fit.

[Rebecca B · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as the parent of a 12 year old girl and 7 (nearly 8) year old boy who has already read a lot of books and articles about parenting. This is a good read, not exactly groundbreaking but a good reminder and made me reassess how I parent. I did feel like there was a bit of a bias towards mothers in the way it was written, and it didn't go into male puberty quite as much as female puberty. A useful book if you don't know much about brain/body development in the tween years or are feeling a bit lost with parenting.

[Artuurs Aabele · Rating 3 out of 5]

Izlasot grāmatu rodas divējādas sajūtas. No vienas puses skatoties, grāmata ir viena no vislabākajām lasītajām grāmatām par bērnu audzināšanu. No otras puses skatoties, ka šeit ir divas nodaļas, kurām tur nebija jābūt. Ļoti nepatika tā LGBT kopienas propaganda par bērnu audzināšanu. Neuzskatu, ka man puikam būtu jāmāca, kā kļūt par feministu. Tā kā galā secinājumi ir tādi, ja spēj lasīt un atdalīt grāmatu divās daļās, tad noteikti iesaku. Tomēr ja vienmēr lasītu uzskati par tīru patiesību, labāk nevērt viņu vaļā vispār.

[Alison Lake · Rating 5 out of 5]

We have access to a lot of resources for parenting young babies and children and also for parenting teens — but the tween years are a confusing time without a lot of support. This book begins with background knowledge about setting reasonable expectations based on their brain development. It goes into common areas of concern or confusion with this age group and gives a good amount of practical advice. I have already used some talking points from this book with my tween and they fostered good conversation. Not everything in this book was groundbreaking or even applicable to my specific situation but overall I found it extremely helpful.

[Jānis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ļoti vienkāršā veidā aprkastītas galvenās problēmas un to risinājumi mazajiem tīņiem (8-11 gadi). Katram vecākam šo būtu jāizlasa, lai labāk saprastu, kas tad tam bērnam galvā varētu darīties. Uzskatu, ka grāmatu var lasīt arī tie, kuriem bērni ir jaunāki, jo arī 5-6 gados var novērot lietas, par kurām grāmatā runāts.

Domāju, ka šo grāmatu vajadzētu izlasīt arī vecvecākiem, lai viņi saprastu, kāda mūsdienās ir pieeja bērnu audzināšanā un kāpēc viņu izmantotās metodes mūsdienās nestrādā un nedrīkst tā būt, lai vispār strādātu :D

[Dani · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first half of chapter one with the information on brain development makes it worth buying the book. The rest of chapter 1 to chapter 3 has some really good bits. I highlighted lots of passages. But my last highlight was in chapter 3. From there on, it was lacking facts and statistics, which is what I was expecting. Chapter 4 onwards felt a little bit like a "parenting for dummies" book and was very UNrevolutionary. I would still recommend reading it for chapter 1-3, and then skim past the rest until you find a heading that seems relevant to you and your tween.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely superb! Reassuring but also challenging views and top tips on subjects I was wondering how to tackle through the teenage years….ultimately love conquers all and fostering your child’s individuality not recreating one’s own childhood or parenting experiences, but relinquishing control and supporting the little human that they are means I’m excited for the different phases as they arise! Beautifully and sensitively written in a way that other parenting books are not 😀

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. I feel like the tween demographic is often left out of books on parenting, and yet, it is a huge point of change for children. While I'm not sure I agree with everything in the book, it was all good food for thought and discussion. Even though slightly overwhelming at times, I left the book feeling more confident than I started, so that's a good step. I have recommended this to other parents of tweens.