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Al Tefaris #1
Enchanter Level Zero
Exciting, Inspiring, Dramatic Teen Adventures.
Somewhere between Harry Potter, Shazam and Spiderwick.
Al desperately wants to become a real wizard like his dead father.
Time is running out.
Somebody has started to send bounty hunters to the town of KirkenRingen.
They are hunting for Al's dad,who was a powerful Wizard.
There is only one problem.
Al's dad has been dead for ten years.
He died when Al was only two years old.
Now Al has no one to teach him magic, and the bounty hunters are closing in.
Somewhere between Harry Potter, Shazam and Spiderwick.
Al desperately wants to become a real wizard like his dead father.
Time is running out.
Somebody has started to send bounty hunters to the town of KirkenRingen.
They are hunting for Al's dad,who was a powerful Wizard.
There is only one problem.
Al's dad has been dead for ten years.
He died when Al was only two years old.
Now Al has no one to teach him magic, and the bounty hunters are closing in.
506 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 10, 2021
2 people are currently reading
203 people want to read
About the author
J.C. SpringBourne
21 books3 followersJ.C. SpringBourne, The Prolific Danish Author.
Live just outside Copenhagen, Denmark, Earth.
I volunteer for a children's organization.
Teaching kids Programming and 3D graphics.
Look at my homepage for Short stories or some of the older books as PDF.
Quote: "A billion Crazy, Exciting, Fun Adventures in 25 letters."
Live just outside Copenhagen, Denmark, Earth.
I volunteer for a children's organization.
Teaching kids Programming and 3D graphics.
Look at my homepage for Short stories or some of the older books as PDF.
Quote: "A billion Crazy, Exciting, Fun Adventures in 25 letters."
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
August 29, 2021
I started writing reviews some years ago strictly for my own sake, to keep track of my reading and to solidify my thoughts about any particular book. I find it helps me remember books better. Somewhere along the line, a person started following my reviews, and then I made some friends here on Goodreads, and I know that someone will likely read whatever I put down here. I still think of my reviews as mostly for myself, though. I figure that the more expressive and thoughtful I can be, the more broadly I will appreciate all of my future reading.
Do you know who I definitely am NOT writing reviews for? Authors. Ninety-eight percent of the time, I would much rather the book's author doesn't read my review. It's not for them. I don't expect anyone who is successfully published to gain any insight or take any guidance from the uneducated blatherings I might post, nor should they. And until very recently this was never going to be a concern; there was never any way Stephen King would see anything I wrote about him or his books, or Terry Pratchett (even aside from being dead) or Brian Lumley or Kate Elliott or anyone like that. Mark Lawrence often reads his reviews, which I find disconcerting because he sells quite enough books to not give a damn. But as time went on and I started reading the occasional little-known self-published books (and some lower sales tier traditionally published ones too), those authors would start chiming in on my review space. Often this is fine. Sometimes, it doesn't go too well.
Do you know who definitely should not read this review of Al Tefaris 1: Level Zero ("Enchanter" was added to the subtitle later)? The author.
Do you know who definitely will read this review? The author. Because of course he will. There are no other reviews anywhere on any of his titles, and he held a Goodreads Giveaway for this book two months ago. I know he'll be on the lookout for a review. The reasons why there are no other reviews will soon becomee clear.
So if you are the author, fair warning: you probably want to stop here, because you're not going to like anything I have to say below. I'm not even going to try and be nice. If you choose to continue reading, that's on you.
So. Are we ready?
This is the book that drove me to GIF. That's right; I have never used a gif in a review before. I occasionally use still images, but rarely even that. I don't particularly care for giffy reviews, because they make my eyes and brain hurt. But here we are, thanks to Al Tefaris. Are you ready? The following represents how I feel about this book.
First:
Then:
Also:
Had enough yet?
Let me backtrack a little. I said I wasn't going to try and be nice, and I'm not, really I'm not. I have read all the articles about "how to politely write a negative review" and I just can't do it. Not here, anyway. I can't even do a "compliment sandwich" because that requires two positive things to say. But I will at least lead with the positive: the author gave his own book only three stars on Goodreads, which shows humility.
I lied, I do in fact have a second positive thing to say. Doing a Goodreads Giveaway is an appropriate way to promote your book, much better than, say, blurt-posting appeals to check out your book in places not designated for such, which is usually how books of this caliber are brought to my attention. It was a classy approach, although I don't think it was an effective promotion. It seems to me that giveaways of books without obvious appeal to any particular audience will draw a certain number of digital hoarders who will sign up for any ol' free stuff they can get, but this doesn't translate into actual reads, let alone reviews. The same money (US$119) might have been better spent on a $10 order on Fiverr for a "tough love" beta read of the first chapter, and the rest for a subscription to Grammarly or ProWritingAid.
(For the record, I did not win a free copy of this book; I paid full price, yay capitalism.)
The astute reader may notice that neither of the above "positives" are about the book itself. That's because the actual review starts here.
My initial impression of Al Tefaris was that it's like it was written by a caveman. My further impression upon reading more of the book is this: it's like a book written by Borat in collaboration with Teen Titans GO's Starfire, with the audiobook narrated by Yakov Smirnoff.
Let me illustrate this. I will provide three writing samples. Two are from this book. The other is a translation into Cavemonics of "I am going to dinner at Applebee's" from the back matter of Dav Pilkey's now-out-of-print The Adventures of Ook and Gluk: Kung Fu Cavemen from the Future. Can you tell which is which?
Sample 1:
Every sentence starts on a new line.
That's right, every sentence.
Hard enter at the end of every one.
As a result the pages all look like this paragraph.
And as the book goes on,
more line breaks occur after commas too,
which is especially unfortunate given,
how many,
commas are,
added unnecessarily.
And the words, ugh. So, so many wrong words, going far beyond the common failures of to/too, there/their/they're, etc. They're there too, but in addition the book is filled to the brim with errors that are not even homonyms (such as "bid" for "bite"), words that replace 'p' with 'b', and plenty of head-shakers. For example:
It's not even just the complete failing of grade-school level English writing, which on its own is insurmountable. The characters are dull, even trying to neglect the fact that the writing makes them all sound like idiots, the plot is dreary, and I seriously have no idea what age range this could possibly have been intended for. The main characters are ages 12 to 14, so middle grade-ish, but "paedophile" appears eleven times, and there are jokes about sex, including an extended bit about necrophilia:
One bit of attempted (and failed) cleverness, maybe: the author tagged this Amazon upload with the "Freemasonry" subject category, which makes zero sense unless he was trying to replicate Brent Underwood's feat with his book Putting My Foot Down, earning Amazon #1 Bestseller status with "$3 and 5 minutes" (https://observer.com/2016/02/behind-t...). If this was indeed the goal, it didn't work.
I cannot fathom the steps that lead someone to A) write like this; B) remain unaware they are writing like this; C) have no one provide feedback, paid or unpaid; D) publish it in this state; and E) not only promote it, but pay money to promote it. I have often thought when I see this kind of product being promoted by the author, "No, you don't want people to check it out. You want the OPPOSITE of that." I get why zero-barrier self-publishing exists; the more titles clusterfucking up the Amazon marketplace, the more aspiring successful authors pay Amazon for advertising to keep their titles visible. But to the detriment of all that is holy, this is the inevitable result:
Do you know who I definitely am NOT writing reviews for? Authors. Ninety-eight percent of the time, I would much rather the book's author doesn't read my review. It's not for them. I don't expect anyone who is successfully published to gain any insight or take any guidance from the uneducated blatherings I might post, nor should they. And until very recently this was never going to be a concern; there was never any way Stephen King would see anything I wrote about him or his books, or Terry Pratchett (even aside from being dead) or Brian Lumley or Kate Elliott or anyone like that. Mark Lawrence often reads his reviews, which I find disconcerting because he sells quite enough books to not give a damn. But as time went on and I started reading the occasional little-known self-published books (and some lower sales tier traditionally published ones too), those authors would start chiming in on my review space. Often this is fine. Sometimes, it doesn't go too well.
Do you know who definitely should not read this review of Al Tefaris 1: Level Zero ("Enchanter" was added to the subtitle later)? The author.
Do you know who definitely will read this review? The author. Because of course he will. There are no other reviews anywhere on any of his titles, and he held a Goodreads Giveaway for this book two months ago. I know he'll be on the lookout for a review. The reasons why there are no other reviews will soon becomee clear.
So if you are the author, fair warning: you probably want to stop here, because you're not going to like anything I have to say below. I'm not even going to try and be nice. If you choose to continue reading, that's on you.
So. Are we ready?
This is the book that drove me to GIF. That's right; I have never used a gif in a review before. I occasionally use still images, but rarely even that. I don't particularly care for giffy reviews, because they make my eyes and brain hurt. But here we are, thanks to Al Tefaris. Are you ready? The following represents how I feel about this book.
First:
Then:
Also:
Had enough yet?
Let me backtrack a little. I said I wasn't going to try and be nice, and I'm not, really I'm not. I have read all the articles about "how to politely write a negative review" and I just can't do it. Not here, anyway. I can't even do a "compliment sandwich" because that requires two positive things to say. But I will at least lead with the positive: the author gave his own book only three stars on Goodreads, which shows humility.
I lied, I do in fact have a second positive thing to say. Doing a Goodreads Giveaway is an appropriate way to promote your book, much better than, say, blurt-posting appeals to check out your book in places not designated for such, which is usually how books of this caliber are brought to my attention. It was a classy approach, although I don't think it was an effective promotion. It seems to me that giveaways of books without obvious appeal to any particular audience will draw a certain number of digital hoarders who will sign up for any ol' free stuff they can get, but this doesn't translate into actual reads, let alone reviews. The same money (US$119) might have been better spent on a $10 order on Fiverr for a "tough love" beta read of the first chapter, and the rest for a subscription to Grammarly or ProWritingAid.
(For the record, I did not win a free copy of this book; I paid full price, yay capitalism.)
The astute reader may notice that neither of the above "positives" are about the book itself. That's because the actual review starts here.
My initial impression of Al Tefaris was that it's like it was written by a caveman. My further impression upon reading more of the book is this: it's like a book written by Borat in collaboration with Teen Titans GO's Starfire, with the audiobook narrated by Yakov Smirnoff.
Let me illustrate this. I will provide three writing samples. Two are from this book. The other is a translation into Cavemonics of "I am going to dinner at Applebee's" from the back matter of Dav Pilkey's now-out-of-print The Adventures of Ook and Gluk: Kung Fu Cavemen from the Future. Can you tell which is which?
Sample 1:
Me starts to understand: “Oh, a computer game, where You can be a fighter, mage or a thief.?”Sample 2:
Dwokhul get confused.Sample 3:
He takes a ring and point at Jared.
Dwokhul shout “_!#%¤&¤GHJ”,
and a lightning bolt his Jared in the chest.
Jared stacker, but keep standing.
Me go to barf place.This book unsurprisingly gets a perfect score on Chuck Wendig's self-published book evaluation scale. It features a complete lack of basic, BASIC subject-verb agreement. Dialogue is punctuated poorly, using colons, and punctuation is mangled in general. Pro tip #1: sentences end with a period, OR a question mark, OR an exclamation mark, but only one of these per sentence, please! And don't get me Started on the Capitalizations, You don't even know.
Every sentence starts on a new line.
That's right, every sentence.
Hard enter at the end of every one.
As a result the pages all look like this paragraph.
And as the book goes on,
more line breaks occur after commas too,
which is especially unfortunate given,
how many,
commas are,
added unnecessarily.
And the words, ugh. So, so many wrong words, going far beyond the common failures of to/too, there/their/they're, etc. They're there too, but in addition the book is filled to the brim with errors that are not even homonyms (such as "bid" for "bite"), words that replace 'p' with 'b', and plenty of head-shakers. For example:
Jared: “If I win You make dinner, and if You win, we get a burger.”Pro tip #2:"I scream for ice cream" is a song lyric, not a substitution rule.
Erich: “As long as it is not Burger, with fries and ice scream.”
My dad looks at me funny. “What Do You mean.?”
I smile: “The last two times, We got re-deployed, You gave me Burger with fries and Ice scream.”
It's not even just the complete failing of grade-school level English writing, which on its own is insurmountable. The characters are dull, even trying to neglect the fact that the writing makes them all sound like idiots, the plot is dreary, and I seriously have no idea what age range this could possibly have been intended for. The main characters are ages 12 to 14, so middle grade-ish, but "paedophile" appears eleven times, and there are jokes about sex, including an extended bit about necrophilia:
The BoneWolf, sounds angry: “I am over three hundred year old, and I am fare your superior, when it comes to necromancer.Period, exclamation point, question mark, indeed.
Darius taunt the dwarf, as fake Jake:
“So You hang around dead people,
And that is why nobody likes You.?
Or did nobody like You before,
You started on necrophilia.?”
Erich: “What is necrophilia.?”
Darius turn his head:
“Necro means dead and philia means love.”
Izabella connects the dots before everybody else, and says:
“You think he has sex with the dead people.?”
Darius: “Well, I don't know if sex is the word.”
The BoneWolf starts to shake it's head:
“What the fuck.!!
I don't have sex with dead people.!?”
One bit of attempted (and failed) cleverness, maybe: the author tagged this Amazon upload with the "Freemasonry" subject category, which makes zero sense unless he was trying to replicate Brent Underwood's feat with his book Putting My Foot Down, earning Amazon #1 Bestseller status with "$3 and 5 minutes" (https://observer.com/2016/02/behind-t...). If this was indeed the goal, it didn't work.
I cannot fathom the steps that lead someone to A) write like this; B) remain unaware they are writing like this; C) have no one provide feedback, paid or unpaid; D) publish it in this state; and E) not only promote it, but pay money to promote it. I have often thought when I see this kind of product being promoted by the author, "No, you don't want people to check it out. You want the OPPOSITE of that." I get why zero-barrier self-publishing exists; the more titles clusterfucking up the Amazon marketplace, the more aspiring successful authors pay Amazon for advertising to keep their titles visible. But to the detriment of all that is holy, this is the inevitable result:
The Wolf is about the bid his head of.Please, Jeff Bezos, just make it stop.
I step forward, and does my best to decapitate the Alpha wolf.
November 3, 2022
Using "Look Inside" at Amazon I found some notable quotes:
"She stopped my figging with my pencil. A bad habit I had from my training."
"Later I learned that we were distance cousins ... like twenty-five generations back."
"Had you ever read 'Count Zero' by William Gibson. Well, that was me."
"From time to time, I got a real piece of information, but before I could get it printed, the library had to close, or the printer was broken, or even once I had the computer burn down..."
"She stopped my figging with my pencil. A bad habit I had from my training."
"Later I learned that we were distance cousins ... like twenty-five generations back."
"Had you ever read 'Count Zero' by William Gibson. Well, that was me."
"From time to time, I got a real piece of information, but before I could get it printed, the library had to close, or the printer was broken, or even once I had the computer burn down..."
September 19, 2021
I received this digital book from Goodreads giveaway. This book was a struggle to read. it was written like English is not the author’s native language. It was full of misspelled and misused words.
May 29, 2025
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews