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240 pages, Hardcover
First published January 25, 2022
It is normal, I tell myself, to wonder about how things could have been different. If we had stayed in Prague, if I’d allowed myself to love Morena; if Nick and I had never left home, if my father had lived a little bit longer, if I could have prevented my brother from falling; if the stonemason, at the moment when Jiří came up behind him, had turned just a second before, had later walked home at nightfall and crossed the bridge into Old Town, and, dark and dusty, painted on the sky, had seen the light drifting low, offering itself to his eyes, the sun shrinking down quickly like a coin dropped into a hat.
I’m realizing … that I’ve loved very little, really, through the years. I’ve loved Keaton and his work. I’ve loved the slow, reckless seep of booze—clouding you up inside so you can be a stranger to yourself again. I’ve loved the stories we keep close because we are afraid of ourselves, of our blood, of our own frailty. I’ve loved the tiny worlds my father made— treetops delicate as spun sugar and hills like an infant’s knees beneath a blanket, and a town that he lit with LEDs smaller than dewdrops ……….. And I’ve loved Prague, I realize now. I’ve loved its tattered richness, its constant drizzle of good light—gold during the day, purple beneath the lampposts at night. I’ve loved, in a way, that it didn’t want me—that it drove me back to the things I thought I knew, with its cold and relentless beauty. I’ve always loved Nick too, of course. Perhaps all those other things were just a different form of the love I had for him. Perhaps there wasn’t really room for much else besides him. Perhaps the world will always seem just a little too large or too small, once you’ve shared a womb with someone. Yes, I think that is what we’re up against. That’s our struggle.
One thing the city of Prague is famous for: throwing men out windows. The word for this is defenestration. Tourists can climb the narrow stairs to the room where Catholic noblemen were defenestrated because of a religious dispute in 1618.
And I’ve loved Prague, I realize now. I’ve loved its tattered richness, its constant drizzle of good light—gold during the day, purple beneath the lampposts at night. I’ve loved, in a way, that it didn’t want me—that it drove me back to the things I thought I knew, with its cold and relentless beauty.
"When I picture the city now, I see it from overhead. Bird's-eye. A long, lonely aerial view looking down onto orange clay rooftiles curved like shells of snails. The city shrinks, small enough to be covered with a palm--my palm, my twin brother's. We both seem to remember those years from above, as if we were often sailing out over the streets that opened up into squares, the ice skating rink dusted blue, that high clocktower with its windows sealed shut, the bridge long spine of black bone straining across the bread-colorued water. And I guess it's true that the city rises, tiered, made up of slopes and heights, spires and hilltops and towers--all these high places you could cimb, to get a better view of things, and I guess it's aso true that I was always climbing them."
"There's a superstition in our family about falling--a kind of tight-lipped joke that's no longer a joke because it's happened too often over the years: cousins leaning against railings that wouldn't hold their weight, uncles losing their footing while cleaning leaf debris from slimy gutters, aunts toppling from ladders, their spines folding up on themselves like coat hangers. Something in our bodies wants to fall, blood magnetized to pavement, iron and concrete greeting each other across a stretch of air, the downward plunge and crack, like a pink Easter egg dropped from a window--we splinter that easily."
Our speech is so full of falling. It follows us around all day long.
We fall down laughing, fall apart, fall away. We fall prey to things. Things fall by the wayside. We fall behind, fall flat on our faces, fall back on things. We fall in line, fall from grace, fall in step, fall in love, fall on our swords. We fall out with our friends. We fall afoul of the law. Our words fall on deaf ears. We fall down dead.
We say, “Let matters fall as they may.”
We say, “Things fall apart.”
“It wouldn't have to be God, I realize now. That's only what my mother chooses to call it: this faith you can have in your own life, in the unseen shapes the world sometimes takes, in the stories you tell yourself to gain back trust in your own under-standing, in your mind's cliffs and valleys-the stories you tell yourself to prove that you aren't so fragile that you can't continue.”