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The Defiant Middle: How Women Claim Life's In-Betweens to Remake the World
For every woman, from the young to those in midlife and beyond, who has ever been told, "You can't" and thought, "Oh, I definitely will!"--this book is for you.
Women are expected to be many things. They should be young enough, but not too young; old enough, but not too old; creative, but not crazy; passionate, but not angry. They should be fertile and feminine and self-reliant, not barren or butch or solitary. Women, in other words, are caught between social expectations and a much more complicated reality.
Women who don't fit in, whether during life transitions or because of changes in their body, mind, or gender identity, are carving out new ways of being in and remaking the world. But this is nothing they have been doing so for thousands of years, often at the margins of the same religious traditions and cultures that created these limited ways of being for women in the first place.
In The Defiant Middle, Kaya Oakes draws on the wisdom of women mystics and explores how transitional eras or living in marginalized female identities can be both spiritually challenging and wonderfully freeing, ultimately resulting in a reinvented way of seeing the world and changing it. "Change, after all," Oakes writes, "always comes from the margins."
Women are expected to be many things. They should be young enough, but not too young; old enough, but not too old; creative, but not crazy; passionate, but not angry. They should be fertile and feminine and self-reliant, not barren or butch or solitary. Women, in other words, are caught between social expectations and a much more complicated reality.
Women who don't fit in, whether during life transitions or because of changes in their body, mind, or gender identity, are carving out new ways of being in and remaking the world. But this is nothing they have been doing so for thousands of years, often at the margins of the same religious traditions and cultures that created these limited ways of being for women in the first place.
In The Defiant Middle, Kaya Oakes draws on the wisdom of women mystics and explores how transitional eras or living in marginalized female identities can be both spiritually challenging and wonderfully freeing, ultimately resulting in a reinvented way of seeing the world and changing it. "Change, after all," Oakes writes, "always comes from the margins."
188 pages, Kindle Edition
Published November 30, 2021
14 people are currently reading
558 people want to read
About the author
Kaya Oakes
9 books136 followersKaya Oakes is the author of six books, most recently including The Defiant Middle, The Nones Are Alright, and Radical Reinvention. Her sixth book, Not So Sorry, is forthcoming in 2024. Her essays and journalism have appeared in Slate, The New Republic, Foreign Policy, America, Commonweal, Religion News Service, National Catholic Reporter, and many other places. She was born and raised in Oakland, California, where she still lives, and she teaches nonfiction writing at UC Berkeley.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
February 28, 2021
I wrote this book. I hope you like it. The cover is amazing at the very least.
November 17, 2021
I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 42.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the new 10-minute version of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well,” because after I watched her SNL performance I realized that, 10 years in, the point of the song is not really about the breakup, it’s about the pain of being manipulated by an older man who tried to gaslight you. Her lived experience matters, she says: “I was there, I remember it all too well.” This is something so many of us can understand about things that happened in our past where we felt used or that we were preyed upon. I appreciate her energy as she asserts her own story even as people say it’s something she should be encouraged to “just get over” since the relationship was a decade ago.
It was interesting, then, to read this book about the power that women have in liminal spaces, when we are neither young nor old (perhaps even when we are 42), when we are angry or “crazy” or otherwise not meeting society’s expectations. This book celebrates our lived experience in these spaces and the ways that women assert our agency and humanity through defiance. I appreciated the way it called us to celebrate subversive heroes and lean in to the parts of ourselves that seem “difficult” or outside of bounds in order to create something new. It was a quick and encouraging read, and would be a good book to study with a group to talk through some of the concepts that @kayaoakeswrites dissects like gender presentation, age, and family status as well as to celebrate heroes like Pauli Murray, Fannie Lou Hamer, and Dorothy Day who have helped pave the way.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the new 10-minute version of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well,” because after I watched her SNL performance I realized that, 10 years in, the point of the song is not really about the breakup, it’s about the pain of being manipulated by an older man who tried to gaslight you. Her lived experience matters, she says: “I was there, I remember it all too well.” This is something so many of us can understand about things that happened in our past where we felt used or that we were preyed upon. I appreciate her energy as she asserts her own story even as people say it’s something she should be encouraged to “just get over” since the relationship was a decade ago.
It was interesting, then, to read this book about the power that women have in liminal spaces, when we are neither young nor old (perhaps even when we are 42), when we are angry or “crazy” or otherwise not meeting society’s expectations. This book celebrates our lived experience in these spaces and the ways that women assert our agency and humanity through defiance. I appreciated the way it called us to celebrate subversive heroes and lean in to the parts of ourselves that seem “difficult” or outside of bounds in order to create something new. It was a quick and encouraging read, and would be a good book to study with a group to talk through some of the concepts that @kayaoakeswrites dissects like gender presentation, age, and family status as well as to celebrate heroes like Pauli Murray, Fannie Lou Hamer, and Dorothy Day who have helped pave the way.
October 31, 2021
An honest look at how women find their way in a world that has set expectations for them. Oakes takes readers back to Bible times, days of the early church, middle ages and plenty of time is spent in her hometown of Oakland, California.
While the book refused to wrap up nicely, it left me being thankful I am a woman, and determined to find my own way, with God's help.
While the book refused to wrap up nicely, it left me being thankful I am a woman, and determined to find my own way, with God's help.
December 13, 2021
Beyond 5 stars: Kaya Oakes interweaves personal narrative with her journalistic background, all while creating an argument truer than anything I’ve read in a long, long time.
November 11, 2021
*The Defiant Middle* is a fierce book of stories and testimony about women straddling the in-betweens of this life, some famous, some not, some Christian, some not, and their power and creativity. Oakes' chapters have titles like “Anger,” “Young,” “Crazy,” Barren,” and “Alone.” She writes with candor and vivacity, about her own life and the lives of others. My favorite thing was learning about Jemima Wilkinson, a Quaker who in 1776 took the name of “Public Universal Friend” and became a nongendered preacher and visionary.
November 1, 2021
I learned so much from this book, and every chapter was relatable and riveting. It was hard to put down. “Angry” was by far my favorite chapter.
November 30, 2021
I loved this book!
The Defiant Middle, much like the people described in its pages, defies expectations and categorization. Kaya Oakes is a religion writer and this book’s exemplars are largely religious figures and yet this book extends beyond the scope of what’s usually categorized as religion. Of course, the personal is political and the religious is personal; Oakes writes from her position as a religious person and the book speaks to all people who live in this world and want to learn about generative examples from history and desire to be a creative force for good, regardless of their religious leanings.
The chapter titles appear at first glance to be a kind of negative construction of femininity - a list of things that women cannot be - but Oakes masterfully evokes the patriarchal norms in order to demonstrate what a defiance of those norms can look like. As she writes in the prelude: “When women feel the freedom to evolve beyond prescribed roles, we can experience a fecundity of the imagination, an era when we become not solely creative, but creation.”
While the breadth of this text is broad, after all there is so much to cover in the long human history of women breaking boundaries and defying expectations, it is not overwhelmingly so because Kaya Oakes grounds the claims in each chapter in the lived experiences of women and other people who have defied patriarchal expectations. I found myself falling a little bit in love with every person Oakes introduced, including the author herself. Some I have read about before: Julian of Norwich, Dorothy Day. Some I met in these pages: the Public Universal Friend, Pauli Murray, and others. Reading about all of their lives through the lens of the book’s larger conversations contextualized what could otherwise have been some heady topics. I don’t know if Oakes would equate herself with these historical figures, but I do. What she shares in this book about her personal experiences in boundary-breaking (her defiance) is vulnerable and humble and I learned from her as much as I did from the other people she introduced me to.
There’s so much more I could say about this book, I do want to highlight two more aspects of the text I was particularly struck by:
1. Oakes is intentional about noting where her privilege limits her understanding. I wish more authors would be willing to say about their experiences: “that’s a privilege.”
2. Oakes’ inclusivity of people outside of binaries (gender, sexual, and otherwise) and the specificity of her support for LGBTQ people. “As long as gender has existed, gender transgressors have existed.” she notes in Chapter Five: Butch/Femme/Other. She follows this by specifically citing trans women as included in her definition of women. This is not revolutionary and it shouldn’t be, but it is necessary in a world where hostility towards trans people (and trans women specifically) is high and on the rise in public discourse.
I could include sentences from every chapter with a meaningful quotation that resonated so deeply with me that I am still thinking about it weeks after I read it, but I will leave it there for now. I highly recommend this book for anyone who cares about making a better world. Which should be all of us. I’m glad this book exists in the world.
The Defiant Middle, much like the people described in its pages, defies expectations and categorization. Kaya Oakes is a religion writer and this book’s exemplars are largely religious figures and yet this book extends beyond the scope of what’s usually categorized as religion. Of course, the personal is political and the religious is personal; Oakes writes from her position as a religious person and the book speaks to all people who live in this world and want to learn about generative examples from history and desire to be a creative force for good, regardless of their religious leanings.
The chapter titles appear at first glance to be a kind of negative construction of femininity - a list of things that women cannot be - but Oakes masterfully evokes the patriarchal norms in order to demonstrate what a defiance of those norms can look like. As she writes in the prelude: “When women feel the freedom to evolve beyond prescribed roles, we can experience a fecundity of the imagination, an era when we become not solely creative, but creation.”
While the breadth of this text is broad, after all there is so much to cover in the long human history of women breaking boundaries and defying expectations, it is not overwhelmingly so because Kaya Oakes grounds the claims in each chapter in the lived experiences of women and other people who have defied patriarchal expectations. I found myself falling a little bit in love with every person Oakes introduced, including the author herself. Some I have read about before: Julian of Norwich, Dorothy Day. Some I met in these pages: the Public Universal Friend, Pauli Murray, and others. Reading about all of their lives through the lens of the book’s larger conversations contextualized what could otherwise have been some heady topics. I don’t know if Oakes would equate herself with these historical figures, but I do. What she shares in this book about her personal experiences in boundary-breaking (her defiance) is vulnerable and humble and I learned from her as much as I did from the other people she introduced me to.
There’s so much more I could say about this book, I do want to highlight two more aspects of the text I was particularly struck by:
1. Oakes is intentional about noting where her privilege limits her understanding. I wish more authors would be willing to say about their experiences: “that’s a privilege.”
2. Oakes’ inclusivity of people outside of binaries (gender, sexual, and otherwise) and the specificity of her support for LGBTQ people. “As long as gender has existed, gender transgressors have existed.” she notes in Chapter Five: Butch/Femme/Other. She follows this by specifically citing trans women as included in her definition of women. This is not revolutionary and it shouldn’t be, but it is necessary in a world where hostility towards trans people (and trans women specifically) is high and on the rise in public discourse.
I could include sentences from every chapter with a meaningful quotation that resonated so deeply with me that I am still thinking about it weeks after I read it, but I will leave it there for now. I highly recommend this book for anyone who cares about making a better world. Which should be all of us. I’m glad this book exists in the world.
October 9, 2022
I wanted to like this book more than I did—it’s really written for someone younger than me. But I did learn a lot in the chapter “Butch/Femme/Other,” reading about the Public Universal Friend, whom I’d never heard of, and Pauli Murray, whose work I’d like to read.
October 25, 2021
This book was fascinating and hard to put down. I got completely sucked into Kaya's powerful and engaging writing, enjoying each successive chapter more than the previous. While I was drawn into this book from the very beginning, the momentum built throughout is extremely satisfying.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and will be revisiting it again as I ruminate over Kaya's ideas and writing. Highly recommend.
I thoroughly enjoyed this book and will be revisiting it again as I ruminate over Kaya's ideas and writing. Highly recommend.
December 4, 2021
Reading Kaya’s latest book in one day was because of the feeling of joy and confirmation which it still brings me. The Defiant Middle empowered me to claim of my life’s journey because of its understanding our collective sense and transport of experiencing being seen. There is an authoritative sense of recognizing and praising the treasure of an personal Maderia Beach sunset on the Gulf of Mexico immersed in these healing waters of a 1960’s childhood oasis with sugar sandy white bottoms with surrounding, safe, living sand dollars all about my feet , that still brings me to life fifty years later. I invite you to becoming grounded and safe in the stories shared by Ms. Oakes of those who occupy interstitial spaces between tidal lines and tones of power struggle. She reminds us we all are called to move away from a centered focus of the source to that of the delta of future hope. Just as I radiated light after seawater marine invertebrate treasures discovered on the west coast , with the steady and secure blue Schwinn bike as my ride , a transformation from anxiety , from fear based structures , you will be drawn towards being collected among a cloud of witnesses that are on fire, the fire of love that is a possibility for all.
“Every woman keeps a memory store of slights, abuse, enforced subjugation within her: The times she was undervalued, undermined, overlooked and passed aside.” It is sure to happen still. And yet, that we have Kaya Oakes , who lets us now believe we are not alone “in the corner of the playground” is breath for the defecting in place, the mirror we hold for each other, to get through the night, pass through the storms, to bring the light of dawn. I am forever grateful for this soul work and pass on this flame of safety and presence to you.
What a blessing. Thank you, Kaya Oakes.
“Every woman keeps a memory store of slights, abuse, enforced subjugation within her: The times she was undervalued, undermined, overlooked and passed aside.” It is sure to happen still. And yet, that we have Kaya Oakes , who lets us now believe we are not alone “in the corner of the playground” is breath for the defecting in place, the mirror we hold for each other, to get through the night, pass through the storms, to bring the light of dawn. I am forever grateful for this soul work and pass on this flame of safety and presence to you.
What a blessing. Thank you, Kaya Oakes.
March 10, 2022
I’m really glad this book was written! I think her selection of the seven ways that women live in the in-betweens is the best contribution and I’d love to see others take up those threads and build on some of those thoughts. I also like how she makes room for ambiguity (which, to be honest, is where a lot of us live a lot of the time).
I think the book is made richer by the fact that the author is actually a member of a religious community and is someone who is actually living that struggle/tension and that point of view makes if more compelling to me.
Not all of the examples or theological perspectives resonated for me 100% but the overall themes really did.
I think the book is made richer by the fact that the author is actually a member of a religious community and is someone who is actually living that struggle/tension and that point of view makes if more compelling to me.
Not all of the examples or theological perspectives resonated for me 100% but the overall themes really did.
May 14, 2025
This book was a really interesting read. It comes from a mostly Catholic perspective, but not completely. It is really about all the women, throughout history and in the present day, that don’t fit neatly into church and societal norms. Why these women are incredibly important despite society and the Catholic Church often ignoring or limiting their existence. It points out how many female saints of the Catholic tradition were very non traditional, in a faith that reveres and honors tradition. How growing up, Catholic girls and women are taught that the whitewashed version of Mary and her submission to the Lord is the best and only way to be a godly woman of faith. Yet, there are many examples of women who are saints that went against the Catholic tradition of the day. Why are these women not held up in the same way Mary or St. Therese of Lisieux are often held up to catholic girls? Why is the rad trad movement gaining a bigger and bigger stronghold in the church when so many women contribute to the church in different, but equally valuable ways? Why are women who don’t fit the norm of marrying and having a (large) family virtually invisible? It was a compelling read and definitely made me think a lot about how I was raised and how until maybe ten years ago, I might not have been open to what this book had to say about women in non traditional roles.
January 31, 2022
Very thought-provoking. Wish I'd read this with a buddy for discussion.
November 23, 2021
I keep thinking of the online groups of clergy women I'm going to recommend this book to. These ARE our ongoing conversations, but Oakes adds history and depth as a faithful lay person. The Defiant Middle blends the history of saints (from modern times and the Middle Ages) with women's experiences to show how being caught in the middle is the oppression that women always face and yet our struggle against it becomes leadership to more than women. I identify with that interpretation.
November 14, 2021
Part-memoir, part-history, part-cultural criticism, Oakes explores women on the margins who have forged new ways of being in the world.
One of the most compelling threads is the idea that, when it comes to gender norms, women from bygone eras have been more radical and imaginative than we may assume. Oakes, a lifelong Catholic, offers the examples of Joan of Arc, who refused to grow her hair out or give up men’s clothes, and various medieval personalities who--get this-- painted images of Jesus giving birth through a wound in his side!
Another fascinating line of inquiry is modern society’s “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” logic, when it comes to so many things pertaining to women. Both secular and religious culture sexualize girls/women AND punish them for their sexuality. Society also prizes and punishes youth, a point Oakes makes by discussing figures like Greta Thurnberg and AOC. (There is also a chapter on being old.) I was reminded of the concept of “double bind,” popularized by Gregory Bateson and other anti-psychiatrists seeking to explain madness. The theory was that schizophrenia developed when people couldn’t make sense of the contradictions that pervaded everyday life. Genetics supplanted such social critiques, but they remain compelling.
This is a really interesting book. Add it to your TBR!
Thanks to Broadleaf for the advance copy.
One of the most compelling threads is the idea that, when it comes to gender norms, women from bygone eras have been more radical and imaginative than we may assume. Oakes, a lifelong Catholic, offers the examples of Joan of Arc, who refused to grow her hair out or give up men’s clothes, and various medieval personalities who--get this-- painted images of Jesus giving birth through a wound in his side!
Another fascinating line of inquiry is modern society’s “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” logic, when it comes to so many things pertaining to women. Both secular and religious culture sexualize girls/women AND punish them for their sexuality. Society also prizes and punishes youth, a point Oakes makes by discussing figures like Greta Thurnberg and AOC. (There is also a chapter on being old.) I was reminded of the concept of “double bind,” popularized by Gregory Bateson and other anti-psychiatrists seeking to explain madness. The theory was that schizophrenia developed when people couldn’t make sense of the contradictions that pervaded everyday life. Genetics supplanted such social critiques, but they remain compelling.
This is a really interesting book. Add it to your TBR!
Thanks to Broadleaf for the advance copy.
November 2, 2021
It's always a privilege to be given a glimpse into the pains, pressures, and tensions women endure in our society. There are few better guides to this difficult, essential journey than Kaya Oakes.
February 6, 2022
I reviewed this book for The Christian Century: https://www.christiancentury.org/revi...
December 20, 2021
Still collecting my thoughts on it and while it remains a polemical sort of book, I'm not sure what Oakes wanted to achieve with this book.
There are some great points here, but it is buried in projection, conjecture, and examples that could have been fleshed out more.
There are some great points here, but it is buried in projection, conjecture, and examples that could have been fleshed out more.
December 1, 2021
Full review at: https://readingourshelves.wordpress.c...
Each chapter examines an idea that society holds about women: they may be seen as too young, old, crazy, barren, butch, angry, or alone. She weaves in stories of her own life and ones from history. Oakes examines how women of a certain ilk may have been treated in different times, religious sects, or in pop culture.
Also of note, Oakes writes with religion in mind – specifically Roman Catholicism. I think that the stories will appeal to anyone interested in women’s issues, though, even if they are not of this (or any) religion, because this is only one lens she uses to examine the issues at hand.
To offer one example that might appeal to my writer friends: in the chapter on women being labeled as crazy, Oakes laments that, as a student, most women authors she had to study in school carried that label (Dickinson, Plath, Shelley). She argues that some of them may have had other legitimate issues, but nevertheless, even as an MFA student in writing, she was told over and over again that women writers were all crazy.
She spends some time on trans women, and even offers a couple examples of trans women in history – women I definitely had not learned about before. (Like the Universal Friend.) She also discusses the idea that you do not have to have kids – or even the ability to carry them – to be a woman (as anyone with a hysterectomy can attest to).
I think this book would appeal to women of all stripes – women with or without kids, women in or not in relationships, women with or without an interest in religion. I have definitely already recommended it to multiple friends!
Each chapter examines an idea that society holds about women: they may be seen as too young, old, crazy, barren, butch, angry, or alone. She weaves in stories of her own life and ones from history. Oakes examines how women of a certain ilk may have been treated in different times, religious sects, or in pop culture.
Also of note, Oakes writes with religion in mind – specifically Roman Catholicism. I think that the stories will appeal to anyone interested in women’s issues, though, even if they are not of this (or any) religion, because this is only one lens she uses to examine the issues at hand.
To offer one example that might appeal to my writer friends: in the chapter on women being labeled as crazy, Oakes laments that, as a student, most women authors she had to study in school carried that label (Dickinson, Plath, Shelley). She argues that some of them may have had other legitimate issues, but nevertheless, even as an MFA student in writing, she was told over and over again that women writers were all crazy.
She spends some time on trans women, and even offers a couple examples of trans women in history – women I definitely had not learned about before. (Like the Universal Friend.) She also discusses the idea that you do not have to have kids – or even the ability to carry them – to be a woman (as anyone with a hysterectomy can attest to).
I think this book would appeal to women of all stripes – women with or without kids, women in or not in relationships, women with or without an interest in religion. I have definitely already recommended it to multiple friends!
December 16, 2021
The Defiant Middle (How Women Claim Life’s In-Betweens to Remake the World) by Kaya Oakes is a very ambitious undertaking. Oakes tries to address the multiple issues women have always faced, but in only 163 pages. You might expect the book to suffer for that, but somehow Oakes manages to whet our appetites for more. This book is filled with instigation. I have lived many of the scenarios she covers, and a few she may not have yet imagined. Born into an incestuous Roman Catholic family of violent alcoholics, as the only girl child I was groomed from early childhood to follow my aunt, Sister Marcelene, into a cloistered convent, because, as we were taught, “The fathers of nuns are forgiven all.” Sister had fled my grandfather at the age of 16. Forewarned, I fled Catholicism instead, at the age of 12. I eventually became a minister in the United Methodist Church, ordained just after my “birthday hysterectomy,” at age 39. Retired, I’m living in the book’s second chapter now, Old. Being old is wonderful. I have time to read thought provoking books like this one. Time to scribble in the margins and hi-lite so many things… the pages begin to glow. This is a book you need to read, but be ready with your color coded hi-liters, your pen, your sticky notes, because it is not a passive read. Buy it, read it, respond to it… because if you were born female, you have probably lived most of it.
December 27, 2021
"The image of Mary as a meek, mild, blonde, and white model of female perfection has caused centuries of problems for the vast majority of women who are nothing like that, including Mary herself."
"The Defiant Middle" leaves you comforted, seen- and unsettled. Kaya Oakes gives voice to the many contradictions and frustrations of being a woman, from the perspective of one who is finding herself (like me) in life's "in-between"of middle age. But at all stages of life, women reside in the unforgiving gap of societal and religious expectations, vs. reality. (In a way, this book is an excellent spiritual/religious companion to the book "Burnout," by the Nagoski sisters, which dealt with the real physical effects of this tug-o-war in women's lives.)
Kaya divides the book into seven chapters: Young, Old, Crazy, Barren, Butch-Femme-Other, Angry, and Alone. Of "Old," she writes, "...the strange space of age as gift, but also a burden-" a description which rings true for me as she explores all the chapters' themes.
The book doesn't have any simple solutions. Her many stories of women from the Bible, Saints, and religious history, give us a different perspective that has often been obscured by the male leadership across the centuries. The stories of these women ask us to notice our own lives, take stock of our own "in betweens," as well as that of others.
Where, Oakes asks, could we allow this space to take us if we let it?
"The Defiant Middle" leaves you comforted, seen- and unsettled. Kaya Oakes gives voice to the many contradictions and frustrations of being a woman, from the perspective of one who is finding herself (like me) in life's "in-between"of middle age. But at all stages of life, women reside in the unforgiving gap of societal and religious expectations, vs. reality. (In a way, this book is an excellent spiritual/religious companion to the book "Burnout," by the Nagoski sisters, which dealt with the real physical effects of this tug-o-war in women's lives.)
Kaya divides the book into seven chapters: Young, Old, Crazy, Barren, Butch-Femme-Other, Angry, and Alone. Of "Old," she writes, "...the strange space of age as gift, but also a burden-" a description which rings true for me as she explores all the chapters' themes.
The book doesn't have any simple solutions. Her many stories of women from the Bible, Saints, and religious history, give us a different perspective that has often been obscured by the male leadership across the centuries. The stories of these women ask us to notice our own lives, take stock of our own "in betweens," as well as that of others.
Where, Oakes asks, could we allow this space to take us if we let it?
January 1, 2022
'The Defiant Middle' is a thoughtful meditation on what it might mean to define womanhood by something other than motherhood and reproduction. Kaya Oakes explores how women have embodied other categories (youth, middle and old age, anger, madness, etc), and how these categories have sometimes limited women, and how they have sometimes empowered women. Ultimately this book gives readers new frameworks for thinking about womanhood, and challenges women in particular to create new frameworks that will affirm the primacy of their own humanity, over and against more narrowing frameworks.
The one thing that I wish was different about 'The Defiant Middle' is that I would have loved to see a chapter on motherhood. If the goal (as I read it) is to define women not by motherhood but by humanity, then situating motherhood within that larger context seems important. Additionally, traditional conversations about motherhood tend to reflect patriarchal demands and expectations. I would have loved to have read about ways in which women use their motherhood to subvert the patriarchy.
This is a minor criticism, however, and feels to me less like a complaint about the book and more an extension of it - a continuing conversation with a thought provoking book.
The one thing that I wish was different about 'The Defiant Middle' is that I would have loved to see a chapter on motherhood. If the goal (as I read it) is to define women not by motherhood but by humanity, then situating motherhood within that larger context seems important. Additionally, traditional conversations about motherhood tend to reflect patriarchal demands and expectations. I would have loved to have read about ways in which women use their motherhood to subvert the patriarchy.
This is a minor criticism, however, and feels to me less like a complaint about the book and more an extension of it - a continuing conversation with a thought provoking book.
February 10, 2022
An incredible historical, and deeply personal look at women finding their own ways in religious and secular worlds.
I should probably point out that despite being non-religious, a man, and in my late 30s, the book's perspective still felt relatable and inclusive of a pretty broad range of marginalized groups, and had plenty of insight for anyone on any of those spectrums (spectra? idk).
Kaya connects her own experiences with defiant female figures in Christianity to create a powerful and compelling narrative about the ways that religious and social institutions have always needed and needed to control women who challenge the status quo.
This might sound like a downer, but the book is tied together by a thread of unrelenting optimism that these women's experiences, anger, and rejection of social and spiritual norms hold the key to transforming humanity.
Beautifully written and hard to put down!
I should probably point out that despite being non-religious, a man, and in my late 30s, the book's perspective still felt relatable and inclusive of a pretty broad range of marginalized groups, and had plenty of insight for anyone on any of those spectrums (spectra? idk).
Kaya connects her own experiences with defiant female figures in Christianity to create a powerful and compelling narrative about the ways that religious and social institutions have always needed and needed to control women who challenge the status quo.
This might sound like a downer, but the book is tied together by a thread of unrelenting optimism that these women's experiences, anger, and rejection of social and spiritual norms hold the key to transforming humanity.
Beautifully written and hard to put down!
July 1, 2023
I really enjoyed this book by journalist Kayo Oakes, although I think it would have worked better if it had been formatted as an essay collection rather than a piece of continuous narrative non-fiction.
Once I realised that the links between the chapters were looser than I had imagined, I really got into each of them. Some are autobiographical in nature, others tell us about wonderful humans I had no idea existed (the Public Universal Friend really took me by surprise), some outline the experience of growing up mainstream American Catholic, others assert political views that some would regard as radical.
Read together, this collection of think-pieces invites us to form our own opinions, to research further into the topics Oakes raises, and to consider our place in the world as women.
And, really, what more could we ask of 163 pages of non-fiction?
Three word review: Essays on womanhood.
Once I realised that the links between the chapters were looser than I had imagined, I really got into each of them. Some are autobiographical in nature, others tell us about wonderful humans I had no idea existed (the Public Universal Friend really took me by surprise), some outline the experience of growing up mainstream American Catholic, others assert political views that some would regard as radical.
Read together, this collection of think-pieces invites us to form our own opinions, to research further into the topics Oakes raises, and to consider our place in the world as women.
And, really, what more could we ask of 163 pages of non-fiction?
Three word review: Essays on womanhood.
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January 22, 2022It took me a long time to read The Defiant Middle, mostly for reasons that are about me. I am an academic who studies gender and religion, and while I could not quite justify reading The Defiant Middle squarely in the middle of my work day, it was slightly too close to work to be my before bedtime reading. In addition, as a middle aged woman with very big feelings about being middle aged, I was (I think) afraid that the book would hurt. I was wrong—instead, I felt seen and understood, with models to think about my experience. Oakes writes mostly about people with whom I am familiar, and so it is hard to say how this book would land if you were not already in the conversation, but she put the stories of women, ancient and contemporary, together in ways that I had not thought about. I will be thinking about this book for a long time, and buying copies for many friends.
February 3, 2022
I bought this book after reading an excerpt from the chapter about Dorothy Day and anger. The thinking and the writing were just so good, I knew I'd enjoy the book even if it wasn't "for" me (I'm 31).
Now that I've finished it, I've discovered it *was* for me! It's for anyone who's interested in thinking about feminism at its own sort of middling point, alongside women's lives throughout history, in the reflective space of personal essay - like talking late into the night with an especially sharp, funny friend.
Recently I heard a podcast interview with Lauren Groff, author of Matrix. An audience member stood up to ask Groff, "I appreciate that you have imagined a woman hero into the past - but surely these women actually existed? Who is rescuing their stories? Where do we find them?" Groff didn't have much of an answer, but now I do. Kaya Oakes is helping us find them.
Now that I've finished it, I've discovered it *was* for me! It's for anyone who's interested in thinking about feminism at its own sort of middling point, alongside women's lives throughout history, in the reflective space of personal essay - like talking late into the night with an especially sharp, funny friend.
Recently I heard a podcast interview with Lauren Groff, author of Matrix. An audience member stood up to ask Groff, "I appreciate that you have imagined a woman hero into the past - but surely these women actually existed? Who is rescuing their stories? Where do we find them?" Groff didn't have much of an answer, but now I do. Kaya Oakes is helping us find them.
November 9, 2021
I turned 50 this year, and as I feel society slyly consigning me to quiet hearth-tending crone status, The Defiant Middle has slipped the scales from my eyes once more, giving me courage to think about what God and I together want the next half of my life to be for.
Kaya Oakes' take on feminism, religion, spirituality, culture and politics is sharp, hilarious, self-deprecating and fierce. She's the bitch I want to be!
She zips together the disciplines of church history, feminist and queer theory, psychology, liberation theology and more in a way that is elegant and oh-so-readable. It will delight and liberate people of any gender who are ready for its composite wisdom.
Kaya Oakes' take on feminism, religion, spirituality, culture and politics is sharp, hilarious, self-deprecating and fierce. She's the bitch I want to be!
She zips together the disciplines of church history, feminist and queer theory, psychology, liberation theology and more in a way that is elegant and oh-so-readable. It will delight and liberate people of any gender who are ready for its composite wisdom.
December 31, 2021
I devoured _The Defiant Middle: How Women Claim Life’s In-Between to Remake the World_ by Kaya Oakes, when it arrived. She describes the invisibility of women in mid-life as “…the slow, grinding erasures.” Oakes is too young for the “Seniors” group and too old for the “Beer and Baseball” groups. Where does an “in-between” woman belong?
Oakes states, “But I resist the term middle-aged … because I don’t know what I’m in the middle of.” She explores what she is in the “middle of” through memoir, Scripture, church history, current Christianity while living within patriarchal systems with her journalistic curiosity and crisp writing.
Oakes states, “But I resist the term middle-aged … because I don’t know what I’m in the middle of.” She explores what she is in the “middle of” through memoir, Scripture, church history, current Christianity while living within patriarchal systems with her journalistic curiosity and crisp writing.
April 2, 2023
Kaya Oakes is a Catholic feminist writer whose work I really enjoy. Here she talks about different ways that women don't quite fit in, either to the Church or in society, and how they're viewed. Mental illness, childlessness, aloneness, anger, age, and gender nonconformity are all reasons that women are "othered." She includes some interesting facts about historical figures, some of whom I'd never heard of- Mother Ann Lee and the Public Universal Friend are two of them.
January 10, 2022
If you're a woman of a certain age (or any age?) you know what it is like to feel invisible but Kaya Oakes sees you and invites you into a community of women from across history who you can relate to, emulate, or just admire. The Defiant Middle is well written, well thought through, and well worth your time.
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