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Everybody Fights: So Why Not Get Better at It?
Internet video sensations and podcast hosts Penn and Kim Holderness share how they fight better and end arguments feeling closer, more loved, and better understood by their partner.
Have you ever gotten in a bra fight? (No, not a bar fight, a bra fight.) Kim and Penn Holderness have—a knock down, bruised-heart, lick-your-wounds brawl that started off with a perfectly harmless question about chicken wings. Every couple has these fights, the kind that go from zero to dialing a divorce lawyer before you know what hit you. They leave you feeling cold, resentful, and terribly alone. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
The Holdernesses that are seen on social media are goofy, funny, and joyous, which has earned them the adoration of millions of fans. But when they started noticing comments on their videos that said things like “You are the perfect couple” or “#couplegoals,” they thought, “Who us? These people want to be more like us?” So, they decided it was time to stop being polite and start getting real about what really goes on with any couple who seems to have it together.
With their trademark sense of humor and complete vulnerability, Penn and Kim share their ten most common Fight Fails and how to combat them, with additional guidance from Pastor Chris Edmonston on ways they can improve and change to solve issues. At the end of each chapter, the Holdernesses give couples a script for how to start, continue, and wrap up hard conversations. Couples will close the book equipped to engage and understand, not do battle. And maybe laugh a little more along the way.
In Everybody Fights, couples will learn how to:
Conjure the magic of meta-communication
Break free of secret contracts
Run a P&L (prayer and laughter) analysis on your marriage
Banish the three D’s (distraction, denial, delay)
Carry your own baggage and help your partner with theirs
Penn and Kim want people to know they’re not alone—that marriage is messy. Marriage is work. But marriage is worth it. Fight for it.
Have you ever gotten in a bra fight? (No, not a bar fight, a bra fight.) Kim and Penn Holderness have—a knock down, bruised-heart, lick-your-wounds brawl that started off with a perfectly harmless question about chicken wings. Every couple has these fights, the kind that go from zero to dialing a divorce lawyer before you know what hit you. They leave you feeling cold, resentful, and terribly alone. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
The Holdernesses that are seen on social media are goofy, funny, and joyous, which has earned them the adoration of millions of fans. But when they started noticing comments on their videos that said things like “You are the perfect couple” or “#couplegoals,” they thought, “Who us? These people want to be more like us?” So, they decided it was time to stop being polite and start getting real about what really goes on with any couple who seems to have it together.
With their trademark sense of humor and complete vulnerability, Penn and Kim share their ten most common Fight Fails and how to combat them, with additional guidance from Pastor Chris Edmonston on ways they can improve and change to solve issues. At the end of each chapter, the Holdernesses give couples a script for how to start, continue, and wrap up hard conversations. Couples will close the book equipped to engage and understand, not do battle. And maybe laugh a little more along the way.
In Everybody Fights, couples will learn how to:
Conjure the magic of meta-communication
Break free of secret contracts
Run a P&L (prayer and laughter) analysis on your marriage
Banish the three D’s (distraction, denial, delay)
Carry your own baggage and help your partner with theirs
Penn and Kim want people to know they’re not alone—that marriage is messy. Marriage is work. But marriage is worth it. Fight for it.
Audiobook
First published March 30, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,040 reviews
May 27, 2021
Okay… just hear me out! Audiobook review.
Yes, this is a book written by impossibly beautiful internet-famous white people distributed by a Christian publisher. It is also a book that is so. darn. engaging.
Kim and Penn Holderness came to notoriety after they made a video Christmas card (“Xmas Jammies”) that went viral. They decided to make parody vlogs a full-time career after that, so they now find themselves living and working together 24 hours a day. (Raise your hand if you can relate to that after 2020!)
They’ve written Everybody Fights to share some of their tips for couples to better communicate during the trying times. While they readily admit they’re not counselors or professional experts, they ARE two people who genuinely seem to love - and like - each other. Throughout the reading of the audiobook, they crack each other up, burst into spontaneous (and funny) songs, cry a little, and support each other a lot.
It was a true joy spending a few hours in the company of the Holdernesses, and it seems many people agree. Everybody Fights currently has a 4.8 rating on Amazon and a 4.9 rating on Audible. I was sad when this audiobook ended but uplifted by their example. (If they end up separating at any point down the line, all hope is lost.)
On a personal note, my spouse reads my reviews. Rest assured, dear husband, I am not going to make you read this book. ;)
Blog: https://www.confettibookshelf.com/
IG: @confettibookshelf
Yes, this is a book written by impossibly beautiful internet-famous white people distributed by a Christian publisher. It is also a book that is so. darn. engaging.
Kim and Penn Holderness came to notoriety after they made a video Christmas card (“Xmas Jammies”) that went viral. They decided to make parody vlogs a full-time career after that, so they now find themselves living and working together 24 hours a day. (Raise your hand if you can relate to that after 2020!)
They’ve written Everybody Fights to share some of their tips for couples to better communicate during the trying times. While they readily admit they’re not counselors or professional experts, they ARE two people who genuinely seem to love - and like - each other. Throughout the reading of the audiobook, they crack each other up, burst into spontaneous (and funny) songs, cry a little, and support each other a lot.
It was a true joy spending a few hours in the company of the Holdernesses, and it seems many people agree. Everybody Fights currently has a 4.8 rating on Amazon and a 4.9 rating on Audible. I was sad when this audiobook ended but uplifted by their example. (If they end up separating at any point down the line, all hope is lost.)
On a personal note, my spouse reads my reviews. Rest assured, dear husband, I am not going to make you read this book. ;)
Blog: https://www.confettibookshelf.com/
IG: @confettibookshelf
April 24, 2022
I’ve been following the Holderness family on social media for several years and I really enjoy them and their hilarious parody videos. I was excited to see that Kim and Penn wrote a book together. In the 10 chapters in this book, Kim and Penn talk you through fights they have had during their marriage, and they offer strategies and explain how they have learned to fight better. I found this book to be very relatable. It has a lot of great advice and takeaways you can easily implement into your own marriage. I definitely see myself coming back to this book as reference later on. I enjoyed getting to learn more about Kim and Penn’s life on a more personal level. And true to the Holderness style, there are also some funny moments in the book that I really enjoyed!
Thank you Thomas Nelson and Net Galley for the ARC of this book
Thank you Thomas Nelson and Net Galley for the ARC of this book
March 29, 2021
Penn and Kim Holderness have made a name for themselves with song parody videos, but this book is an entertaining and informative look at communication--particularly within a marriage relationship and with a focus on arguments.
They are not experts, they've just been married for many years and have experienced their share of communication breakdowns. They enlisted their own therapist/marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, to help them help others.
I've been married for almost 25 years, so many of the anecdotes they relate are quite familiar to me, but I also gained some interesting insights into what my spouse might be thinking when we do fight. There isn't much groundbreaking or new information here, but it is refreshing to see that a couple who live their lives on video in the eyes of most of us are actually human and have their own problems.
I think this would be a great book to purchase for an engaged couple or newlyweds to help them see that marriage takes work and that learning to communicate effectively is a strong key to marriage survival for the long haul.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
They are not experts, they've just been married for many years and have experienced their share of communication breakdowns. They enlisted their own therapist/marriage coach Dr. Christopher Edmonston, to help them help others.
I've been married for almost 25 years, so many of the anecdotes they relate are quite familiar to me, but I also gained some interesting insights into what my spouse might be thinking when we do fight. There isn't much groundbreaking or new information here, but it is refreshing to see that a couple who live their lives on video in the eyes of most of us are actually human and have their own problems.
I think this would be a great book to purchase for an engaged couple or newlyweds to help them see that marriage takes work and that learning to communicate effectively is a strong key to marriage survival for the long haul.
I voluntarily reviewed a complimentary copy of this book, all opinions are my own.
August 4, 2021
Since this audiobook is narrated by Kim and Penn, it is more like listening to a podcast. They even ad-lib a bit and add to what is written in the book. This book is raw and filled with emotion while also lighthearted and humorous at other moments.
January 15, 2022
I can admit it. I love watching this couple do their thing, I find endless entertainment in their antics. Actually, it was my husband who turned me onto them. But I think his own "ooh, a squirrel!...." personality got him sidetracked into other things. I bought their book, and when I found out they were going to be on the Amazing Race, I figured that would be a good time to read it. Am I totally Team Kim and Penn? You bet! But I was definitely like "Get on the Train, Penn! Get on the effin' Train!"
So another thing to admit. I did glorify their relationship. Thought they were the perfect loving and fun loving couple. You would think I would know better! As both a psychologist in private practice, a couples counselor, and someone who has been married for 25 years with three kids, you would think I would know not to envy what is glossy looking. But truthfully, I did see them as perfect communicators and with deep attunement. Plus, I noticed that Covid 19 hit, and no one here was making funny videos or singing in harmony. My work just doubled, and we added a new puppy and toughed it out like everyone else. But you think I would know better, because I completely related to the husband with ADHD part. Although it doesn't manifest in quite the same way it does for Penn. If I were Kim, I would be driven absolutely crazy, despite how loveable and handsome the guy is.
But that's the thing. They were really vulnerable in this book, and you get to see the real people and the real dynamic, and that is first and foremost validating, but also intimate and heartwarming. I have deep respect and great "like" for these two, spilling their hearts and lives and frailties, and in part to show others what works. That imperfection is a huge part of the game. Kim and Penn both speak openly about her anxiety and depression and how that cycles through their lives and dynamics. They both openly speak about his ADHD and anxiety, and they are open about things they have gone through or are going through in their families of origin. Truly, my heart when out to them both. I think that kind of vulnerability doesn't just save a marriage and one's mental health, it saves others when they can read about it and authentically relate. And yes, I so want them to win the damn race. I have been wanting that since they day we heard they had undertaken this endeavor. I think they are fabulous, and what fun for them to spread their joy and unique selves across the race. Kim said on the Internet, that they made great friends, and took care of everyone on the race. They were definitely the Mom and Dad. That did not surprise me at all. That's so them to be the core and foundation and spirit of the group. So crazily enough, I already trusted who they are and how they see things. So my appreciating the book should be no surprise.
Moment one, I had a reaction to their pastor/couples counselor, who I now thing is very much a God and walks on water. Forgetting the name, could it be Gary Chapman? The guy who wrote the 5 Love Languages and all its adjacent books is a pastor, and his framework, which is pretty much a household knowledge bit, grew out of his church counseling practice. Good stuff, but I always had the notion that it was too simple. Reading his book, I felt like for couples with deeper dynamics, the love languages was a start, but just wasn't going to cut it. So I had an immediate judgement of Christopher Edmonson, that his counseling practice was going to be faith based and simplified. But I was quickly disabused of this notion. This guy was right on the money. I became deeply impressed with him, and what he had to offer, and agreed with the Holdernesses, that he should have been right on the couch on the cover, as a main character and author of the story, In fact, when reading the first 30%, instead of really reflecting on my own marriage, reflecting on couples who I am doing quite deep psychodynamic therapies with. And I found myself using immediately and directly some of the main points. That tells me this guy is completely on the mark. Anyway, I am looking forward to talking to my husband about pieces of it, and maybe just leave the book out for him and seeing if he picks it up. I felt there was a lot for us to relate to too.
I wanted to say something more directly to Kim, who I hope will read this. It has to do with how hard it must be to be an Internet personality and deal with the haters, and the negative comments. We all feel this way too. Sometimes no matter how much people say they love you, we tend to listen louder to the folks who are negative and who scratch at our deepest fears. We take it in, when we are unloved or feel like we have done something bad or wrong. About ten years ago, a friend of mine had said to me, be careful of the voices you listen to, and to whom you are giving your power. So many people love you and believe in you. Why on earth would you give power to the people trying to take you down? That stayed with me. And I see this message over and over from Internet Parenting Guru Kristina Kuzmic, who I also adore. She talks a lot about not letting the haters get to you, and leaving your baggage behind, and being proud of who you are, a flawed human just doing your best. I felt this book was in line with that same idea. Don't look to us and feel we are perfect, we are flawed human beings too, just showing up and doing our best - and by the way, so are you. I felt the message, and I took it in, is that no one and no marriage is perfect. We are all flawed and uniquely gifted, and that we all desire attunement, and we all "lose our shit", and we are not always our best selves. But that that it's the showing up and the trying that matters. And that there are things we can do to be more attuned, even if that's not easy. And that its worth the fight and the uncomfortability to do so. I love that this culture is not praising that, rather than achievement and glossy perfection. Its far preferable, and more relatable. In any case, I even felt worried about writing "Penn, get on the Damn Train," because any author, person, I never like to take them down. But I am looking forward to seeing all that comes next, and I hope he knows that was in the context of "We love who you are, even if every one of us is flawed once in while. You are still adorable, even if a bit too tall. You got this - this thing called life. And you have an effervescent joy about life, which I think is the world's greatest gift, and the most important thing in the world!" Kim, you have so many gifts, your vulnerability and deep heart being one of them. I also really love your incisive wit. The right combination of damn smart, damn, funny, and deeply warm and relatable. So the next time a hater rides the wave, you keep that in your pocket.
One last thing. I am the one who keeps writing in, that I am in love with the adorable neighbor. Honestly, she makes me crack up every single time she does her Cameo. To me, she is a Gold Mine! But what I love best, is knowing that you are not making fun of her. You are obviously close and good friends and she is poking fun at herself too. It's so clear this is not at her expense. She is just heartwarming and hilarious, and I don't even know her name.
In any case, loved the book, I adore you guys and your neighbor, kids, and dog. Keep going with this stuff, and thank you for the book. Now go and get em in the Race!
So another thing to admit. I did glorify their relationship. Thought they were the perfect loving and fun loving couple. You would think I would know better! As both a psychologist in private practice, a couples counselor, and someone who has been married for 25 years with three kids, you would think I would know not to envy what is glossy looking. But truthfully, I did see them as perfect communicators and with deep attunement. Plus, I noticed that Covid 19 hit, and no one here was making funny videos or singing in harmony. My work just doubled, and we added a new puppy and toughed it out like everyone else. But you think I would know better, because I completely related to the husband with ADHD part. Although it doesn't manifest in quite the same way it does for Penn. If I were Kim, I would be driven absolutely crazy, despite how loveable and handsome the guy is.
But that's the thing. They were really vulnerable in this book, and you get to see the real people and the real dynamic, and that is first and foremost validating, but also intimate and heartwarming. I have deep respect and great "like" for these two, spilling their hearts and lives and frailties, and in part to show others what works. That imperfection is a huge part of the game. Kim and Penn both speak openly about her anxiety and depression and how that cycles through their lives and dynamics. They both openly speak about his ADHD and anxiety, and they are open about things they have gone through or are going through in their families of origin. Truly, my heart when out to them both. I think that kind of vulnerability doesn't just save a marriage and one's mental health, it saves others when they can read about it and authentically relate. And yes, I so want them to win the damn race. I have been wanting that since they day we heard they had undertaken this endeavor. I think they are fabulous, and what fun for them to spread their joy and unique selves across the race. Kim said on the Internet, that they made great friends, and took care of everyone on the race. They were definitely the Mom and Dad. That did not surprise me at all. That's so them to be the core and foundation and spirit of the group. So crazily enough, I already trusted who they are and how they see things. So my appreciating the book should be no surprise.
Moment one, I had a reaction to their pastor/couples counselor, who I now thing is very much a God and walks on water. Forgetting the name, could it be Gary Chapman? The guy who wrote the 5 Love Languages and all its adjacent books is a pastor, and his framework, which is pretty much a household knowledge bit, grew out of his church counseling practice. Good stuff, but I always had the notion that it was too simple. Reading his book, I felt like for couples with deeper dynamics, the love languages was a start, but just wasn't going to cut it. So I had an immediate judgement of Christopher Edmonson, that his counseling practice was going to be faith based and simplified. But I was quickly disabused of this notion. This guy was right on the money. I became deeply impressed with him, and what he had to offer, and agreed with the Holdernesses, that he should have been right on the couch on the cover, as a main character and author of the story, In fact, when reading the first 30%, instead of really reflecting on my own marriage, reflecting on couples who I am doing quite deep psychodynamic therapies with. And I found myself using immediately and directly some of the main points. That tells me this guy is completely on the mark. Anyway, I am looking forward to talking to my husband about pieces of it, and maybe just leave the book out for him and seeing if he picks it up. I felt there was a lot for us to relate to too.
I wanted to say something more directly to Kim, who I hope will read this. It has to do with how hard it must be to be an Internet personality and deal with the haters, and the negative comments. We all feel this way too. Sometimes no matter how much people say they love you, we tend to listen louder to the folks who are negative and who scratch at our deepest fears. We take it in, when we are unloved or feel like we have done something bad or wrong. About ten years ago, a friend of mine had said to me, be careful of the voices you listen to, and to whom you are giving your power. So many people love you and believe in you. Why on earth would you give power to the people trying to take you down? That stayed with me. And I see this message over and over from Internet Parenting Guru Kristina Kuzmic, who I also adore. She talks a lot about not letting the haters get to you, and leaving your baggage behind, and being proud of who you are, a flawed human just doing your best. I felt this book was in line with that same idea. Don't look to us and feel we are perfect, we are flawed human beings too, just showing up and doing our best - and by the way, so are you. I felt the message, and I took it in, is that no one and no marriage is perfect. We are all flawed and uniquely gifted, and that we all desire attunement, and we all "lose our shit", and we are not always our best selves. But that that it's the showing up and the trying that matters. And that there are things we can do to be more attuned, even if that's not easy. And that its worth the fight and the uncomfortability to do so. I love that this culture is not praising that, rather than achievement and glossy perfection. Its far preferable, and more relatable. In any case, I even felt worried about writing "Penn, get on the Damn Train," because any author, person, I never like to take them down. But I am looking forward to seeing all that comes next, and I hope he knows that was in the context of "We love who you are, even if every one of us is flawed once in while. You are still adorable, even if a bit too tall. You got this - this thing called life. And you have an effervescent joy about life, which I think is the world's greatest gift, and the most important thing in the world!" Kim, you have so many gifts, your vulnerability and deep heart being one of them. I also really love your incisive wit. The right combination of damn smart, damn, funny, and deeply warm and relatable. So the next time a hater rides the wave, you keep that in your pocket.
One last thing. I am the one who keeps writing in, that I am in love with the adorable neighbor. Honestly, she makes me crack up every single time she does her Cameo. To me, she is a Gold Mine! But what I love best, is knowing that you are not making fun of her. You are obviously close and good friends and she is poking fun at herself too. It's so clear this is not at her expense. She is just heartwarming and hilarious, and I don't even know her name.
In any case, loved the book, I adore you guys and your neighbor, kids, and dog. Keep going with this stuff, and thank you for the book. Now go and get em in the Race!
April 17, 2021
The best thing about this book is how we can see every fight from two very different perspectives. They are not mindlessly repeating the superficial aspects either. They have obviously worked their way through every incident, and are now sharing the results with us. This includes practical tips and thorough analyses of every typical fight. Now I wish I had someone to fight with!
It requires incredible bravery to be this open and vulnerable in front of... well, probably millions, based on their views on YouTube. You know this amazing family and their hilarious videos, right? I have always appreciated how they tackle serious issues like mental illnesses and other tough life situations, and speak up about them to their large number of followers, setting aside the goofiness for a certain period of time.
This book is a healthy mixture of both: speaking about serious stuff and then lightening the mood with some funny stories and even with songs written on the spot. I'm not a fan of audiobooks as I'm a very visual learner, but I really wanted to listen to this one. And now I have to own it in print, so I can find the pages I want to revisit and remember everything they were talking about.
It made me laugh and cry and then laugh some more (out loud), and realise, and understand and appreciate. Highly recommended.
It requires incredible bravery to be this open and vulnerable in front of... well, probably millions, based on their views on YouTube. You know this amazing family and their hilarious videos, right? I have always appreciated how they tackle serious issues like mental illnesses and other tough life situations, and speak up about them to their large number of followers, setting aside the goofiness for a certain period of time.
This book is a healthy mixture of both: speaking about serious stuff and then lightening the mood with some funny stories and even with songs written on the spot. I'm not a fan of audiobooks as I'm a very visual learner, but I really wanted to listen to this one. And now I have to own it in print, so I can find the pages I want to revisit and remember everything they were talking about.
It made me laugh and cry and then laugh some more (out loud), and realise, and understand and appreciate. Highly recommended.
August 29, 2020
If you only know Kim and Penn from dancing in their Christmas jammies, you are sorely missing out. They have spent the last several years putting out nuanced and thought-provoking videos, blog posts, and podcast episodes on marriage, parenting, and mental health. Also, they’re insanely funny. Their breakout book on the top 10 spousal fights is poignant. Whether newly married or sending kids to college, the arguments laid out in the book are fairly common. Kim and Penn share some “magic words” to help couples communicate more deeply and love more intimately. I enjoyed it immensely as someone waiting for a pandemic-free day to marry my partner. I can’t wait to store it openly on my bookshelf to reference in the future.
June 12, 2021
I don’t think I’ve ever read a relationship book, but I wanted to support these fine, hilarious folks after following them on social media ➡️ “The Holderness Family.” Their clever videos have been a bright spot during COVID. Self-help is not usually my jam, but I really enjoyed and learned from this, jotting mental notes as I listened. Kim and Penn are super funny and lovable, too, so that added to the experience.
January 11, 2022
3.5⭐️
I listened to the audiobook, and I don’t think I would’ve gotten through it without Kim & Penn (the authors) narrating it because they’re funny.
Also, They claim to be Christians and also use language, don’t talk about God’s presence in their marriage or lives at all, talk about using sex toys etc….
Gods influence & presence is the most important part of a healthy marriage, so a marriage book without that seems a bit pointless…🤷🏼♀️
I listened to the audiobook, and I don’t think I would’ve gotten through it without Kim & Penn (the authors) narrating it because they’re funny.
Also, They claim to be Christians and also use language, don’t talk about God’s presence in their marriage or lives at all, talk about using sex toys etc….
Gods influence & presence is the most important part of a healthy marriage, so a marriage book without that seems a bit pointless…🤷🏼♀️
May 20, 2021
I made it through chapter 7 before deciding to DNF this one. I feel bad saying this, but Penn drove me nuts. He is extremely hyper and I guess I didn’t realize how hyper until I tried listening to this book. I love them and many of their videos are funny but I think I can only handle small doses. I tried to only listen to a little every day but found myself fast forwarding because he was too much for me. If you are more of a quiet person, you may want to read this and not do the audio version. But if you can handle super hyper and easily excitable, then go for the audio version. As far as actual marriage advice, I didn’t gather any of that. It is more about their stories and things they fought about (excitedly re-enacted in highly pitched voices) and the focus is on them imo. But maybe chapters 8-end have some advice, I am okay not knowing and returned it to the library. Normally I would give a DNF a one star but I did make it more than half way and I feel bad giving one stars. I really do like their FB personalities but this one just didn’t work for me at all.
August 13, 2023
I enjoyed this as an audiobook as the authors read it together and they are very entertaining! I appreciated their openness and vulnerability with every topic they discussed! They were honest about all their feelings- good and bad.
Their humor can be a bit crude sometimes, but you would know that if you’ve listened to many of their FB videos.
Their ideas about working through disagreements were helpful and my favorite phrase I learned is “tell me more.” This communicates a desire to understand not just being defensive about my viewpoint.
They are very open about all things in the bedroom, just FYI, but that may be helpful to some. Those needs need to be communicated too. 😊
They have a fun story as they now work together so this may be helpful for couples who do the same. I read this for fun, not because my marriage is full of fights.😆
But every marriage has their disagreements and can improve on communication in conflict.
Their humor can be a bit crude sometimes, but you would know that if you’ve listened to many of their FB videos.
Their ideas about working through disagreements were helpful and my favorite phrase I learned is “tell me more.” This communicates a desire to understand not just being defensive about my viewpoint.
They are very open about all things in the bedroom, just FYI, but that may be helpful to some. Those needs need to be communicated too. 😊
They have a fun story as they now work together so this may be helpful for couples who do the same. I read this for fun, not because my marriage is full of fights.😆
But every marriage has their disagreements and can improve on communication in conflict.
July 8, 2023
Everybody Fights is a wonderfully practical guide to fighting with one’s spouse. My husband and I have been married 35 years, but I still found some nuggets here. And I highly recommended it to my adult kids.
In addition, the book is read by the authors in a fresh, extremely appealing manner. Great book.
In addition, the book is read by the authors in a fresh, extremely appealing manner. Great book.
June 8, 2022
I love this family. I love them on the Amazing Race, I love them on Instagram...I just am a big fan. I am not, however, a big fan of this book. In one of the first chapters, they talk about how they may seem perfect on Instagram but not in real life; however, this book was absolutely about pretty perfect people having pretty perfect fights. And while it is not up to me to comment on their fights or their life, none of the fights they laid out in the book seemed quite real. I couldn't quite relate to their flawlessly executed fight, make-up and resolution with counselor, nor did I buy the long sections that read like a psychology thesis on ideal marriage resolutions. What I'm trying to say here is that marriage is wonderful and messy, and I didn't really see any of that raw beauty in their stories. The shiny Instagram filter was absolutely applied here, but I will continue to watch all their videos with big smiles and lots of likes.
March 25, 2021
I could not finish this book. First of all, the formatting of it was terrible. Secondly, I found it redundant. I LOVE this family and their videos and fun songs, but this book was not for me.
Thank you to Netgalley.com and the publisher for this ARC in trade for my honest comment.
Thank you to Netgalley.com and the publisher for this ARC in trade for my honest comment.
November 2, 2023
The audiobook highlights the dynamic personalities of Kim & Penn, which are impossible to dislike. They banter and relate to one another with such refreshing ease and sincerity. I loved how they would impulsively stop their narration to comment or go off on a random tangent. There’s so much vulnerability (and silliness) here. Such a fun book.
January 11, 2025
One of the funniest books on marriage I have ever heard. IF you do have the optionl please listen to this one. They are hilarious and go back and forth in a non audio book style way. I will be listening to their podcast now.
Some really good practical and down to earth marriage advice from a couple who has seen alot. I never really knew much of their story. Definitely have ear buds in as they don't shy away from personal topics (*Ahem) or PG language. Not a spiritual book on marraige-no mention of the One who holds your marriage together and gives you the grace to forgive and grow but still some solid (and funny) marriage advice.
As the title says- dig into why you fight, how you fight, what makes you fight. Not just in a marriage relationship but in all relationships.
Know better- be better!
💬𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘵:𝘩𝘵𝘵𝘱𝘴://𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮.𝘤𝘰𝘮/𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴/
Some really good practical and down to earth marriage advice from a couple who has seen alot. I never really knew much of their story. Definitely have ear buds in as they don't shy away from personal topics (*Ahem) or PG language. Not a spiritual book on marraige-no mention of the One who holds your marriage together and gives you the grace to forgive and grow but still some solid (and funny) marriage advice.
As the title says- dig into why you fight, how you fight, what makes you fight. Not just in a marriage relationship but in all relationships.
Know better- be better!
💬𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘵:𝘩𝘵𝘵𝘱𝘴://𝘸𝘸𝘸.𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘮.𝘤𝘰𝘮/𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘴/
September 2, 2021
YouTube is how I first met this couple and their musical humor, and was amused by the whole-heartedness of their whole family, neighborhood, even the dog. It started with Husbands of Target (hilarious!), and then led me to the Holderness Family. Then this book. . . .had to read it, but must admit my expectations were not high - for one, it's about learning to fight better in marriage, and for me that ship has sailed, so relevancy was clearly not going to be part of the equation. . .
Or was it? Amazing, I found it was. Fighting is, after all, just fighting and we all do it, with ourselves, with others. These two have great ideas on fighting with honor, fairly, with rules, with respect and most of all without the "my way or the highway" mentality that stands as biased referee over so many of our fights. Kim and Penn remind everyone about the role fair play has in fighting and that it needs to be agreed upon. Anything else is an attack.
I recommend this book to all - it is funny, brave in that they share their own weaknesses, actual struggles that it is clear they are still tender about, and risky in that there is no way to know what's ahead. There is a chapter on sex, and if you are doing family audio in the family vehicle, I'm not sure I'd have that rolling out on the teens in the back seat - not because of explictness, but because of the ways they will be looking at grownups when everyone piles out of the van.
A worthy read! Huzzah to House of Holderness! (look up collectives by alphabet. . . .)
Or was it? Amazing, I found it was. Fighting is, after all, just fighting and we all do it, with ourselves, with others. These two have great ideas on fighting with honor, fairly, with rules, with respect and most of all without the "my way or the highway" mentality that stands as biased referee over so many of our fights. Kim and Penn remind everyone about the role fair play has in fighting and that it needs to be agreed upon. Anything else is an attack.
I recommend this book to all - it is funny, brave in that they share their own weaknesses, actual struggles that it is clear they are still tender about, and risky in that there is no way to know what's ahead. There is a chapter on sex, and if you are doing family audio in the family vehicle, I'm not sure I'd have that rolling out on the teens in the back seat - not because of explictness, but because of the ways they will be looking at grownups when everyone piles out of the van.
A worthy read! Huzzah to House of Holderness! (look up collectives by alphabet. . . .)
April 14, 2021
If you've been on social media in the last few years, you've probably seen at least one video by Kim & Penn Holderness. Their clever parody videos have me constantly laughing. Now, they've written a book about marriage...which might seem like a funny choice for single me to read and review!
As I read the book, though, I realized that most of the principles could be applied to any relationship. (Just skip the sex chapters if they don't apply...)
The book is full of practical tips for recognizing conflict and fighting well. It's not earth shattering information, but it is laid out in a way that's easy to read and digest. And I really enjoyed the sections from Penn's and Kim's respective perspectives regarding their conflicts. Overall, it's an easy, enjoyable read.
Disclosure of material connection: I received this book from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review, and the opinions expressed are my own.
As I read the book, though, I realized that most of the principles could be applied to any relationship. (Just skip the sex chapters if they don't apply...)
The book is full of practical tips for recognizing conflict and fighting well. It's not earth shattering information, but it is laid out in a way that's easy to read and digest. And I really enjoyed the sections from Penn's and Kim's respective perspectives regarding their conflicts. Overall, it's an easy, enjoyable read.
Disclosure of material connection: I received this book from the publisher. I was not required to write a positive review, and the opinions expressed are my own.
June 30, 2021
I'll be honest: I didn't expect this book to be that good. I like The Holderness Family on YouTube so I got the book from the library and expected to do a quick skim. I wound up reading every word.
It's an excellent, extremely practical, research-based (and funny) book about communication in marriage. Penn has ADHD and Kim has anxiety and depression so grace for each other and expressing needs is a big part of it. Their credited cowriter is their pastor/marriage counselor.
They use a lot of real-life examples from both perspectives, so there are great insights on both sides. It's a unique and really great marriage book; I'm happy to recommend it!
It's an excellent, extremely practical, research-based (and funny) book about communication in marriage. Penn has ADHD and Kim has anxiety and depression so grace for each other and expressing needs is a big part of it. Their credited cowriter is their pastor/marriage counselor.
They use a lot of real-life examples from both perspectives, so there are great insights on both sides. It's a unique and really great marriage book; I'm happy to recommend it!
April 28, 2021
I was so excited to receive this book because I was recently introduced to this family on Facebook. Kim and Penn are married and make the best videos I can’t stop watching. They are open, honest, and real about parenting, marriage, and how those things aren’t easy.
I was walking through Whole Foods when I watched the video “Talking to my Dog vs husband”. I was in tears and made my husband watch it. 🤣 Seriously go look it up, I’ve watched it 10 times and I still laugh every time! The banter between these two reminds me of my own marriage and their videos are my guilty pleasure.
Everybody fights is a guide on how to fight the right way. There is no way to avoid disagreements but you can change how you have them. Each chapter gives a scenario and then Kim’s version and Penn’s version. I loved this part because it’s so interesting to see how one incident is perceived completely different by two different people. After they list the event, how they both heard it, and how they handled it, they give some advice they’ve received that helped them going forward. One of my favorites:
“You can be right, or you can be married”.
We all fall into ruts where we don’t appreciate our spouse and take all the worries out on them, and this book helps retrain the way we interact. Like anything worth doing it takes practice, and I think we’d all agree our spouse and family are priceless.
Everybody fights will have you smiling throughout the whole book. I learned a lot and had fun while reading it!
I was walking through Whole Foods when I watched the video “Talking to my Dog vs husband”. I was in tears and made my husband watch it. 🤣 Seriously go look it up, I’ve watched it 10 times and I still laugh every time! The banter between these two reminds me of my own marriage and their videos are my guilty pleasure.
Everybody fights is a guide on how to fight the right way. There is no way to avoid disagreements but you can change how you have them. Each chapter gives a scenario and then Kim’s version and Penn’s version. I loved this part because it’s so interesting to see how one incident is perceived completely different by two different people. After they list the event, how they both heard it, and how they handled it, they give some advice they’ve received that helped them going forward. One of my favorites:
“You can be right, or you can be married”.
We all fall into ruts where we don’t appreciate our spouse and take all the worries out on them, and this book helps retrain the way we interact. Like anything worth doing it takes practice, and I think we’d all agree our spouse and family are priceless.
Everybody fights will have you smiling throughout the whole book. I learned a lot and had fun while reading it!
October 29, 2021
The most entertaining book ever written on fighting! Seriously, I love this family and this couple. I've watched their videos for years, and while I hadn't ever listened to their podcast, when I saw they were coming out with a book, I knew I had to read it! Then when I picked it up, it was the perfect timing because I needed the tips they were writing about!
The best part is that you get to hear from both Kim and Penn's sides, not only of the fight but of how they came to a resolution. And no, it's not just resolutions from their own head....they have a marriage counselor who they introduce at the beginning who helped them through their fights.
I really enjoyed the way the book and each chapter is laid out. It starts with the fight....usually a really small thing that as most marriage fights go blows up into something bigger. Then each of them share their perspective on it and why they had trouble resolving it themselves. Then they share what their counselor helped them understand to get through it and to use in future time frames when similar fights come up. Each chapter is a different type of fight. Like one is on misunderstandings, one is on listening, one is on finances, etc. And while there were some tense moments that they share, Penn and Kim have an innate ability to stay relatable but also cut the tension with tons of humor. Just the way they talk about things actually made me giggle...regularly throughout the chapter. It just WHO they are. Which makes the book so entertaining while teaching a lot of great and useful information.
I highly recommend it!
The best part is that you get to hear from both Kim and Penn's sides, not only of the fight but of how they came to a resolution. And no, it's not just resolutions from their own head....they have a marriage counselor who they introduce at the beginning who helped them through their fights.
I really enjoyed the way the book and each chapter is laid out. It starts with the fight....usually a really small thing that as most marriage fights go blows up into something bigger. Then each of them share their perspective on it and why they had trouble resolving it themselves. Then they share what their counselor helped them understand to get through it and to use in future time frames when similar fights come up. Each chapter is a different type of fight. Like one is on misunderstandings, one is on listening, one is on finances, etc. And while there were some tense moments that they share, Penn and Kim have an innate ability to stay relatable but also cut the tension with tons of humor. Just the way they talk about things actually made me giggle...regularly throughout the chapter. It just WHO they are. Which makes the book so entertaining while teaching a lot of great and useful information.
I highly recommend it!
April 21, 2024
I loved this book! My husband and I read it together, and we would definitely read it again. Here are some of our favorite ideas and quotes:
1. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship, and learning how to communicate, compromise, and navigate disagreements is essential for a strong partnership.
-Check in with each other after arguments- how did it go? What did I do wrong? What could I do better?
2. Embracing vulnerability and being willing to show your true self, flaws and all, can strengthen connections and foster deeper intimacy in relationships.
-You have secret contracts in relationships (i.e. - who always empties the dishwasher, who always makes the meal plan...). Every once in a while you will need to bring them to the table to be amended.
-“Strike you statements from your conversations and replaced with I Feel.”
(Is it a ‘you statement’ loophole if you say: I feel [this] when you…?)
3. By approaching conflict with humor, humility, and a willingness to listen and learn, couples can turn challenges into opportunities for growth and a deeper bond.
-“Three of the biggest challenges to good listening habits: distractions, laziness, and interrupting.”
(and 100% of distractions are phones, kids, phones, and phones, amiright?)
-Say “Tell me more” to your partner when asking about their day
1. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship, and learning how to communicate, compromise, and navigate disagreements is essential for a strong partnership.
-Check in with each other after arguments- how did it go? What did I do wrong? What could I do better?
2. Embracing vulnerability and being willing to show your true self, flaws and all, can strengthen connections and foster deeper intimacy in relationships.
-You have secret contracts in relationships (i.e. - who always empties the dishwasher, who always makes the meal plan...). Every once in a while you will need to bring them to the table to be amended.
-“Strike you statements from your conversations and replaced with I Feel.”
(Is it a ‘you statement’ loophole if you say: I feel [this] when you…?)
3. By approaching conflict with humor, humility, and a willingness to listen and learn, couples can turn challenges into opportunities for growth and a deeper bond.
-“Three of the biggest challenges to good listening habits: distractions, laziness, and interrupting.”
(and 100% of distractions are phones, kids, phones, and phones, amiright?)
-Say “Tell me more” to your partner when asking about their day
May 5, 2022
This was excellent. Realistic, super practical advice I could put into use in my marriage immediately. And I strongly recommend listening to this on because Kim and Penn voice the audio and are constantly going off script and more into depth and just having an actual conversation with one another. So good, I’m going to buy the physical book to refer back to and press into my husband’s hands.
May 9, 2021
Loved this book! I loved how Kim or Penn would write a section, and then there were also sections written by both of them. Hilarious but thought-provoking. A must-read for anyone in a relationship!
October 1, 2022
This book was such a delight. I was a bit skeptical as they aren’t therapists or experts in any way, but they had great, practical advice backed up by anecdotes from their marriage. I really enjoyed them, especially on audio.
June 12, 2022
Regardless of where you are in your marriage or how good or bad it is you can glean something from this and be entertained at the same time—bonus. Nothing earth shattering, no new revelations, but good reminders and practical applications, which I love.
If you don’t know who the Holderness family is go to YouTube and spend 10 minutes watching them..they are funny. It will make it a lot more enjoyable to listen to them since they narrate the book, and do a fantastic job.
If you don’t know who the Holderness family is go to YouTube and spend 10 minutes watching them..they are funny. It will make it a lot more enjoyable to listen to them since they narrate the book, and do a fantastic job.
November 25, 2021
As someone who watches their You Tube videos I enjoyed listening to the audio version. I'm not sure how much someone who isn't familiar with them will get out of it, but I liked it.
August 31, 2023
This was a read-aloud for Trent and I (he read while I drove on several road trips) and we both enjoyed it immensely. We’ve followed the Holderness family for several years and enjoy their banter. The chapters sparked some good discussions between us and I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it!
May 12, 2021
I picked this up out of curiosity because I follow the Holderness family on social media. I was pleasantly surprised by the helpful advice, applicable to all relationships, not just marriage.
December 31, 2021
Apparently this married couple produce pretty viral videos but I've never seen any of them. That part of their fame was lost on me but it didn't take away from my enjoyment of this book at all. Narrated by them both and told in a series of conversations about different aspects of married life, I found their advice about better ways to communicate, listen and compromise with your partner very useful and relatable.
There are a lot of funny anecdotes as well as some sadder stories too (having to give up a beloved pet, parents with dementia, etc). Highly recommended, especially for fans of other relationship advice books like those by Esther Perel, Jana Kramer’s The good fight or The 5 love languages. Definitely one you'll want to listen to instead of read though I'll be buying a hard copy so I can refer back to parts of this book again and again.
There are a lot of funny anecdotes as well as some sadder stories too (having to give up a beloved pet, parents with dementia, etc). Highly recommended, especially for fans of other relationship advice books like those by Esther Perel, Jana Kramer’s The good fight or The 5 love languages. Definitely one you'll want to listen to instead of read though I'll be buying a hard copy so I can refer back to parts of this book again and again.
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