Hoogsensitieve ouders

by Elaine N. Aron

De praktische en positieve gids voor hoogsensitieve ouders om te leren omgaan met hun hoogsensitiviteit tijdens de opvoeding van hun kinderen.

Het ouderschap is de meest waardevolle en gewaardeerde baan ter wereld, maar ook een van de uitdagendste. Dit wordt zeker zo ervaren door hoogsensitieve ouders. Deze gevoelige ouders zijn sterk afgestemd op hun kinderen; ze denken diep na over alles wat hen aangaat en dat roept heftige emoties op, zowel positieve als negatieve. Hoogsensitieve ouders ervaren veel meer stress tijdens het ouderschap dan ouders die niet hoogsensitief zijn. Toch kan hun gevoeligheid ook hun belangrijkste kracht zijn bij het opvoeden. Dit boek bevat: • een test om je niveau van hoogsensitiviteit te bepalen • handvatten voor hoe je de toename aan sociale stimulatie en interactie sinds je kinderen hebt kunt bolwerken • technieken om contact te hebben met andere ouders als je verlegen bent • inzichten in de vijf grootste uitdagingen van hoogsensitieve ouders in relaties en hoe je daarmee kunt omgaan

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development

280 pages, Paperback

First published March 31, 2020

Reviews

[Faith Elizabeth Hough · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've read so much about Elaine Aron's work (Thank you, Modern Mrs. Darcy!) that I already knew I was a highly sensitive person (HSP), so I was thrilled when I saw this book on Netgalley. I think it's fair to say that one of my biggest parenting challenges is my own personality, and I was excited at the prospect of learning more about this aspect of my personality so that I could be the type of parent I want to be, instead of always reacting from a space of being overwhelmed.
I did indeed learn more about HSPs, and Aron includes plenty of very sound advice--some I've already figured out in my 13 years as a mother, and others which I think will serve me well.
That said, I didn't love this book--a fair amount of information seemed obvious (to me, at least--maybe if the idea of being an HSP is new to you, you'll be enthralled!), and the overall tone was less encouraging than I would have hoped. I know HSP moms who have told me, "Many things about being a parent are difficult, but you'll find it's worth every minute." Others come across totally differently just by switching up that sentence: "While it might be worth every minute, being a parent is incredibly difficult." Aron seems to fall in the latter camp. I felt like if I asked her for advice on how to thrive as an HSP parent with seven children, she'd probably faint in horror before coming to and dispensing her wisdom. Wisdom it would be--but with more commiseration than actual encouragement.
If any of you readers are HSP parents with big families (or you want to have a big family), allow me to dispense some advice and wisdom of my own, since the very idea of more than three children is entirely lacking from this book. You will find having so much noise and stimulation--and so many emotions that you're picking up on every minute of the day--challenging. But you have the tools to be an amazing parent. You'll also have built in some of the help you need--let big brothers and sisters read books aloud to their younger siblings so you can take a nap. Let your extravert children chat with each other all day so their need to be heard is less acute when they come into your room at night. Talk with your children about personality so they will understand yours and feel affirmed in their own. Oh, and remember to sleep and drink lots of water and herbal teas (lemon balm is literally saving my sanity these days).
The most important takeaway from Aron's book is the bit of advice I give most often as well: FIND HELP. You're not supposed to do this parenting gig alone. You need to take care of yourself and make time and space to be alone--half a day with a well rested, happy parent is much better than an entire day with an irritable parent. You won't need half a day every day, but sometimes you will--and taking that time is part of how you take care of your children.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for providing me with a copy of this book to review!

[Roan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really relate to being a highly sensitive person, but Elaine Aron is such a terrible writer that it’s hard to get through these books. Made it through 25% of this one and it was very tell-me-something-I-don’t-know.

I often feel resentful of parenting books because my main struggles are systemic problems. I get mad at behavior change recommendations because what would really help my parenting is free childcare and healthcare and to not be in a pandemic and to live in a society that values children and the labor of caregiving.

[Suz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting one, some points rang true, but much of this was quite specific and sometimes odd. Or am I odd?! The author drilled down to ideals that were acutely targeted to extremely (or the subtleties were drilled down to very specific points) sensitive parents, things I would have never thought of as struggling to manage parenting at all, and ways around this, choosing a school for their child (finding this a very hard task), even considering home schooling. I couldn’t relate, though I am sure others can and this is the reason for this book. I was interested in the topic of how to better deal with different temperaments your child may have, and simple ideas like wearing headphones to drown out the noise. This is when self help to me covers the basic stuff which is self-explanatory. I still believe this author is the top of her field, and the concept of HSP is relevant to me, but this title fell short of being engaging or overly useful.

I listened to this via the Libby app and my public library.

[Eve Riddle · Rating 2 out of 5]

So disappointed with this. The main takeaway is just "pay for more help". Thanks, could've worked that out myself! There's also some advice in here that I am so surprised to hear a psychologist giving to parents such as the message that if you're struggling with the work/parenting balance then you should give up prioritising friends and hobbies. Wow. That sounds healthy. Also really don't appreciate the victim blaming of "even if the other person is abusing and dominating, you have somehow helped in perhaps a small way to let this occur".

[Sarah Hyatt · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had moderate hopes, I thought I could hang in there but it just turned out to be so aggravating.

First of all -- the rampant ableism. I've spent the past decade wandering down this journey of "former gifted kid burnout" and "giftedness" and "high sensitivity" and neurodivergent and ADHD and autistic and I'm just over here like a Pam Beesley meme.

It's the SAME DANG THING. You can't write a book basically word for word describing autistic traits, shutdowns, meltdowns, sensory sensitivities, ridiculously overactive nervous systems and try to tell me it's not. No. You can't just say "overactive sensory processing, but not sensory processing disorder" without making some distinction as to how they're different (spoiler: they're not different).

(Spoiler 2.0: SPD isn't an official diagnosis in the DSM. The DSM has a lot of problems. Both things are true).

Whatever. This book started out validating a lot of what I felt: the complete sensory overwhelm and constant noise and relentlessness of parenting -- particularly parenting multiple young children -- and that felt good, unique, and needed. Until it didn't. Until that was all it was. And then it just started to get preachy, with no practical help at all. The suggestions given were pretty basic and not super helpful (e. g., ear protection -- I'd already done that multiple times in multiple ways, including over-ear ear muffs, Loop earplugs, Calmer earplugs, Airpods, and noise cancelling Soundcore earbuds -- for anyone wondering, the earmuff + noise cancelling earbud was the best combination). Most of the advice for more challenging issues/intense, heat-of-the-moment problems was, "find help."

That's it. Find help. I... was trying to? I would if I knew how?! What?! There was one line that was literally introducing a topic -- I now forget what, maybe something super broad like "parenting toddlers" and it said "there are books on this topic, read them." THAT IS NOT HELPFUL. How many parents pick up a book this niche as an introductory parenting tome? Yes, I am aware books generally exist. Give me something to go on (though odds are I've already read it).

So many times in my head I was screaming "Cite your sources!" and also just rolling my eyes at how idealized and ✨precious✨ some of the advice was. And for multiple kids, forget it. The advice for multiple kids echoed the typical advice given for multiple kids, which is almost always: yes, this is more challenging. And ...that's it.

It's more challenging. Find help. Okay.

And then the last two chapters are explicitly for dealing with a partner, which not every parent has, there's a little blurb at the beginning about multiple kids but this is never followed up later on, and the majority of the book OVERALL also assumes two parents, maybe with some throwaway lines like "If you're the only parent.... it's more challenging, find help."

The initial validation of the subject matter was great for a chapter or two but after that, some actual advice or insight would have been helpful.

[Rachel Catley · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is full of terrible assumptions and pretty bad advice. She suggests at one point having sentences prepared to say to strangers who critique your parenting in public. I think this is a good idea I don’t however think the response “you clearly don’t know about children” is likely to do anything in that situation other than cause a fight.

She continually references studies which show this trait to be a disadvantage to parents and then contradicts the outcome of this study with her own opinions.

I suspect if you few you have this trait is it highly empowering as she talks about it as being a huge advantage in all areas. She even suggests that you explain to teachers and health professionals that you have this biological advantage to explain why you are correct in your thinking.

I am disappointed that there are not more clear and simple strategies for dealing with the problems that she raises. I also think that it is pretty elitist writing. As someone who doesn’t by her definition fit into her box of a HS person but who does suffer with overwhelm in a lot of the areas discussed it was incredibly disappointing.

[Jana O'Dell · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am not really sure what rubbed me wrong with this book but I definitely did not enjoy it as much as I had hoped I would. There was not much information in it that was not general knowledge.

[Christian Schultheiss · Rating 4 out of 5]

After earlier diving into the world of highly complex people and having myself identify with this outlook seemingly feeling like it embodied me in many ways I knew I found a new nerdy passion to explore and try to learn about and this was a natural and exciting next step on the literary journey. As a newer parent myself, I can’t help but find myself increasingly interested in both the world of parenting and reading about the advice both good and bad , and Elaine felt as though she spoke right too me and my cautious mind in writing this. Sure this wasn’t as much of groundbreaking new facts as it was a strong reassurance and boost that we can all do the fantastic task that is parenthood, it’s just some of us need to follow slightly different and maybe longer paths than our peers and you know what. That’s more than okay, it’s great even. 4.25/5

[Kate · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was excited to read this book to learn more about being a HSP; however, the author takes on an elitist approach to parenting. The sense of the writing felt as if HSP are better than others and assumption of financial privilege. Additionally, she takes on a heteronormative approach in her advice which is not inclusive. The only thing I appreciated from the book is the validation of being able to decompress. Other than that, it was quite a disappointing read.

[Kimberly Steimel Howard]

This book is not a parenting guide, so don’t look to it as a place to establish a parenting philosophy or a guide to children’s brains and psychology. But this book talks about how to be a parent as a highly sensitive person.

I found it very helpful to be validated for some of the things I already know from the experience of parenting: I need more breaks, more help, and more downtime. But also loved reading that being a highly sensitive parent presents the opportunity to be a great parent, when you get the extra help you need (nearly impossible during a pandemic).

“HS parents are the best when rested and find parenting the hardest when they are not. Emotional regulation is physical work for the nervous system, and yours works harder at it. It takes in all of the situation and empathizes more with your child’s feelings, as well as your own. You are built to be great at it. Just give yourself the chance. If you feel there is a serious emotional problem in the way, find some help.”

Some of the advice is delved into more deeply in other texts, but I appreciate how insistent the author is about seeking help. Even if other people can manage without that help, that doesn’t mean you need to. Very validating. And love the idea that you can be a great parent without being perfect (obviously) but when you make a mistake, apologize and move forward.

“When you change, it affects your children, too, even if they have left home. Every therapist has seen it.”

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had some good insights, but wasn’t quite what I was fully anticipating. It was good in the sense that it helped me to identify why I get so overwhelmed in situations or by certain stimuli that most others don’t seem to be troubled by. It was also encouraging to see that there are others who feel similarly. But I will say that Dr. Aron seems to treat being highly sensitive as a handicap that constantly needs to be accommodated to. The overarching theme feels like everyone else must prioritize the needs of the HSP without the HSP ever having to be accountable for their own maladaptive responses. Nowhere in the book does it express appropriate coping skills for situations that might be more challenging for an HSP other than some form of avoidance of the situation or others just having to adapt and be more understanding. I agree with Dr. Aron on setting appropriate boundaries for oneself so as not to over extend their person battery, but it seems silly to advise someone to avoid anything just because it might be too taxing on a person, like attending your child’s band concert or volunteering for one afternoon. I think at that point you need to take into consideration how lack of involvement might affect your child later in their life.

[Katie Robbert · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a HSP and a parent, I was very excited about this book. I heard about it months ago and knew I needed to see what the buzz was about. I devoured the information and felt a bit of camaraderie with the author. Dr. Elaine Aron deeply understands how highly sensitive people function and what we need out of life. In this book, she took everything she discusses in her first and applies it to the complex, and often frustrating, job of being a parent.

While not much was new to me, as someone who has done their own research on the subject of HSPs, it is a great comprehensive resource for parents who are new to the idea of being a HSP. Dr. Aron explains the joys and frustrations of parenting and how it much different that task can be for us highly sensitive individuals. With useful information and comforting analysis, she is understanding and sympathetic. She takes the struggles many of us face and normalizes what many of us feel is abnormal or “wrong” with us.

I wouldn’t consider this book profound, but I certainly believe many will find help and understanding within its pages.

[Emilee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Man I could have used this book when I first became a parent. It goes a long way to relieving my guilt that I'm not doing better, that I don't have the physical and emotional stamina of other parents (including my husband), that I get overwhelmed by the chaos that comes built in to kids, and that I often fail to parent the way that I want. I have become convinced through this book that regular breaks are critical for my success, not pushing through until I can collapse into bed at night. The fact that parents who have sensory processing sensitivity are more overwhelmed by parenting than 80% of other parents to me means that we need help and downtime 80% more than them as well. For years I have tried to ignore this fact and have caused damage as a result. This book was a godsend for me.

[Lol Jones · Rating 1 out of 5]

Very rare that this happens to me but I couldn’t actually bring myself to finish this book! I found a lot of the advice to be incredibly condescending and also completely geared towards white, middle-class housewives who can afford to stay at home, not work AND can then, on top of that, afford to hire multiple sources of additional help. This is not most people’s situation! If you’re not a millionaire, don’t bother reading this as the advice is predominantly irrelevant.

[Lynnae · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I am definitively a highly sensitive person (confirmed after reading this) I found this book to be invaluable for me in this season of early parenting. Though some of it was repetitive and long-winded, I appreciated the thorough explanation of the trait of high sensitivity, its strengths, challenges, & how these intersect with parenting. It was also immensely validating 😅
4 🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️

[Edita Kazakevičienė · Rating 4 out of 5]

„Štai kas svarbiausia: jautrieji tėvai būna geriausi pailsėję, o sunkiausia būti tėvais pavargus. Emocijų reguliavimas yra fizinis nervinės sistemos darbas, o jūsiškė dirba dar sunkiau. Ji fiksuoja visas situacijas ir empatiškai reaguoja į vaiki ir jūsų pačių jausmus."

Jautrūs tėvai yra kitokie. Ir tai nieko keista, nes itin jautrūs asmenys yra it emocijų kempinės ir labai greitai patiria perkrovą. Ši knyga apima tik vieną aspektą — tėvystę, o jei jums aktuali informacija apie itin didelį jautrumą, ši autorė yra parašiusi dar dvi knygas šia tema: „Itin jautrus asmuo" ir „Itin jautrus vaikas".

Elaine N. Aron, sensorinį procesinį jautrumą tyrinėja jau daugiau nei 30 metų ir yra psichologijos mokslų daktarė bei mokslininkė. Pačioje knygos pradžioje pateiktas testas nustatyti jautrumui, nes Elaine N. Aron akcentuoja, jog „itin jautrus žmogus turi žinoti, jog jis toks yra, o itin jautriems tėvams tai ypač svarbu."

Čia nėra informacijos apie vaikų auklėjimą ir auginimą, o visas dėmesys nukreiptas į tėvus. Juk gerai suprantame, kad prieš uždedant deguonies kaukę vaikui, pirmiausia turime užsidėti ją patys. Kai kuriuos pateiktus čia dalykus, jau žinojau iš savo 16 metų tėvystės patirties, o kiti man buvo naujiena. Čia radau ir patarimų kaip rūpintis savimi, reguliuoti emocines reakcijas, spręsti konfliktus su partneriu ir mokslinių tyrimų įžvalgų.

Knyga skatina sąmoningiau pažvelgti į savo asmenybės savybes ir pateikia vertingus patarimus, kurie padėtų išvengti emocinės perkrovos. Manau, kad vienas svarbiausių autorės patarimas yra „prašyti pagalbos". Gali atrodyti keista, kad, pavyzdžiui, kiti tėvai augindami keturis vaikus puikiai susitvarko patys, o jūs pervargstate su vienu ir dar reikia papildomų rankų. Tačiau itin jautriems tėvams pagalba yra būtina.

Iš dalies, man ši knyga pasirodė per trumpa ir norėjosi išsamesnės bei sistemiškiau pateiktos informacijos. Manau, kad po arba prieš ją, reiktų perskaityti pirmąją autorės knygą. Bet perskaičius, apėmė labai geras jausmas, kad yra žmonių, kurie supranta, kaip jaučiasi itin jautrūs tėvai. Rekomenduoju IJA (tėvams), o aš, be abejo, skaitysiu ir kitas Elaine N. Aron knygas.

www.profesionalimama.wordpress.com
https://www.facebook.com/profesionali...
https://www.instagram.com/profesional...

[Heatherjoy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was incredibly excited to receive an early copy of this book from the publisher; unfortunately it didn’t live up to my high hopes.

First the positives:
- Discovering the term “highly-sensitive” about a year ago was a huge gift to me. It helped me understand my lifelong strong sensitivity to sensory input. It also helped me start to recognize my own meltdown triggers which are pretty much entirely located around parenting three loud and energetic boys.

- I had never considered that there might be a positive side to being highly sensitive. I mainly saw it as an overstimulation risk. Now I’m on the lookout for the gifts - the potential of higher attunement to my children’s needs and emotions especially. I think that gift will become increasingly apparent as they grow older.

- The last chapter has some great advice for married couples in solving conflicts. I would say that it wasn’t especially specific to being highly-sensitive, though it tried to make the connection. But it was some of the best writing in the book. It flowed well and followed a logical progression of thought.

What I didn’t love as much:
- While there is a little research to support the designation of “highly-sensitive”, it didn’t seem especially robust to me. It made me think of Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram in the sense that these are useful tools but one should be careful about drawing overly-broad conclusions from them.

- In that line, I didn’t resonate with many of the generalizations about highly-sensitive parenting apart from what I noted in the positive comments above.

- The book felt disorganized. I often wasn’t sure how one section connected to what came before or after it. Maybe some of that was my own exhaustion, but it was something I experienced through most of the book.

- This book, like Overwhelmed which I read earlier this year, makes some assumptions about financial privilege that just don’t bear out for many families. Advice to hire help, to rethink your budget to make it possible, and to lean on family if needed, falls flat for many families I know for whom these just aren’t possibilities. I do agree that it’s good to think creatively about how to find help when feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed. I think this author makes some effort to understand that these things aren’t possible for some families. It’s still hard to be the reader thinking “yeah, but none of these work for my family.”

I hope this book is more helpful to other highly-sensitive parents than it was to me. While it didn’t especially resonate in the details, I do expect the big picture of being able to name my sensitivity and recognizing the gifts that come with it will continue to be a touchstone for me in years to come.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting

Full of information and a variety of great advice and ideas. Some information was more useful than others, but there's such a variety for different situations that this can be a useful read if you're a highly sensitive person.

[Amber · Rating 5 out of 5]

I only learned about HSP last year read both the Highly Sensitive Child and The Highly Sensitive Person. I have to say that The Highly Sensitive Parent resonates with me much more than The Highly Sensitive Person did. I found myself nodding along on most every page. It was very validating to see that I am not the only one having this experience with parenting, that it’s ok to feel this way, and that there are ways you can help lessen the impact. There are some useful tips in there, but the long and short of it is that it is still going to take a lot of work from you and a lot of thought about managing your energy and trying to avoid overstimulation. I will definitely think more about prioritizing rest now! It is a book I wish had existed before my child was born (and also that I had known about HSP before that), and I would definitely press into the hand of any HSP parent.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked this book, written by Elaine Aron. I found the descriptions of the trait of high sensitivity even better than in her original book on the trait. This book is obviously aimed at parents, but there's some great info in here for anyone who identifies as highly sensitive. For HS parents, it's a must-read!

[Jordan · Rating 3 out of 5]

For most of the book, I felt this was just … okay. Deeply grateful for her work on HSPs, but this book was not great. When reading I felt validated for my experiences and learned a good bit, yet I was put off by Aron’s presentation of opinions as facts (e.g., HSPs are better parents than non-HSPs… what?). Her suggestions for interpersonal dialogue were terrible— I was shocked to learn she is a therapist and equally surprised when she recommended Marshall Rosenberg’s work on non-violent communication (whose style is in stark contrast to her suggestions). I was planning to give it two stars but rounded up slightly because I found her final two chapters on romantic relationships (while navigating parenting) helpful.

I much preferred Imi Lo’s book on emotional sensitivity to this one.

[Eline · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5⭐

[JoAnna · Rating 2 out of 5]

As someone who is, by all measures, extremely introverted and also challenged by the constant physical and mental overstimulation of parenthood (3 kids under 6 currently), my interest was piqued by this book, which I hoped would offer some helpful practical advice for coping with these issues. Unfortunately, this book falls very short of what the title promises.

Disappointingly, even the basic premises of the book, including the definition of "highly sensitive person," (HSP) are not as rigorous as the author's previous work might suggest. Aron opens the book with a short survey (reminiscent of magazine quizzes) that is the basis for identifying as a HSP, but falls short of actually offering a definition. She identifies four areas- depth of processing, easily overstimulated, emotionally responsive, and highly aware of subtle stimuli - as "aspects" of HSP that have been researched. Her own research, as she describes in the opening chapter, is characterized by incredibly uneven survey data that barely includes any input from men (her larger survey included over 800 moms and a mere 65 fathers). So this book would be more accurately titled "The Highly Sensitive Mother" until additional research is done. She could have even done something as simple as cross-reference the Myers-Briggs types of her survey respondents and would have somewhat standardized her data.

Aron frames the book as walking through the research in each of these four areas, which mainly consists of broad descriptions of trends in her survey responses and short anecdotes that highlight common themes. No where in the text does she cite additional studies to support the results of her surveys. I was very disappointed that nothing other than the subjective survey data was highlighted in the book, as I had hoped to learn more about possible observational studies or profiles of medical data that have been done about how parenting affects the nervous system. As a result, the book comes off as largely conjectural and a times, patronizing, reflecting the author's personal perspective and interpretations of the subjective data from her research.

The advice offered by the author ranges from the obvious (find help) to impractical, and disproportionately focuses on older school-age children. She seems to have a puzzling blind spot for parents of toddlers and multiple children, who cannot easily take breaks from their children and the associated overstimulation and physical demands. Another major blind spot was in her repeated recommendations to get help. Yes, we know. But for parents of young children, "getting help" can be rather a chicken and egg problem - in order to make the phone calls, schedule babysitters, coordinate the play dates, you also need help, because you can't really do it with screaming babies and toddlers and no free hands. This process can be extra overwhelming for HSPs (many of whom I would guess have phone anxiety to begin with), but she provides no practical advice for getting through this. As such, dealing without help is often less daunting than seeking help. Rather than offer encouragement, Aron doesn't seem to have a very positive outlook on parenting for HSP - as the book goes on, the underlying (but unstated) message seems to be that HSPs just can't handle a lot of life, and therefore shouldn't have more than one child (almost as if the author is projecting her own experience). After reading about half of the book I started to resent her recurring characterization of HSPs as weak, delicate, emotionally burdened beings who are more of a drain on their families than a help.

In that same vein, Aron focuses way too much on the "emotional responsiveness" aspect of HSPs, in such a way that she seems to consider that their defining characteristic. I found this an incredibly flawed approach, as I identify strongly with the overstimulation and deeply processing aspects of her survey, but do not consider myself a very emotional or sentimental parent and did not find much of her advice in these chapters useful. It was tiresome to read her repeatedly refer to the emotional fragility of HSPs and way too much of the book was about how to deal with emotions with respect to children or a spouse/partner. Much of this was not well-written, and the sections about relationships with the other parent were filled with somewhat obvious advice and communication tips that could have been part of any relationship book, not just for HSPs.

I'm sure another HSP could write a much better book that included more insight into the nervous system and strategies to prevent and mitigate overstimulation. Aron pays lip service to this by mentioning at one point that the body has to physically process emotion, but never elaborates. Through having a child in occupational therapy, I've learned a ton about how the nervous system processes input, and I would love if a book were written that acknowledges the real, physical burdens of parenting as an objective challenge that has to be mitigated rather than something HSP just aren't innately built for. As mentioned above, I would love to learn if anyone has actually tried to capture objective data on the nervous systems of parents, which would be far more useful.

ETA: I forgot an important oversight by Aron-she mentions dividing household/parenting labor at various points, but she never addresses the immense mental work involved in parenting and how this can be particularly challenging for HSPs. Or rather, she only acknowledges how the mental work of parenting is more difficult for HSPs because they emotionally agonize over big decisions like which school to send their children to. I can only speak to my personal experience, but “depth of processing” includes a constant internal dialogue that I can’t shut off. I could sit in silence all day and still hear a non-stop conversation. Overstimulation is not just noise and physical activity from/with children, but also having to address all of the logistics/cooking/driving/constant vigilance for hazards/getting interrupted every 10 seconds then having to pivot instantly to wiping butts to continuing the polite phone conversation I was trying to have with my health insurance rep, AT THE SAME TIME as this constant internal conversation is going on. Constant task-switching has been demonstrated to be both exhausting and incredibly detrimental to productivity (read Cal Newport and others). Logically, that kind of child-induced ADHD, piled on top of another on-going train of thought is enough to make anyone crazy. Huge missed opportunity to address this in this book.

Other books that would be far more useful to HSPs are "Quiet" by Susan Cain, "Oh Crap! I Have a Toddler" (Jamie Glowacki) and "Introverted Mom" by Jamie Martin.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

As an HS parent of 3, and I fan of Dr Aron’s other work, I was excited about this one. It is chock full of insight into why you might not fine the day to day drudgery if parenting as rewarding as you are tips you are supposed it. And, she gives you permission to admit it to yourself and others without making it a failure. Where the book falters does me is her advise on how to manage common symptoms such as overwhelm, irritability, and anxiety. Her biggest solution is to hire help such as housekeeper, nanny, etc but that rings as elitist and tone deaf
to me. I get what she is saying: it’s hard to take time for self care when you are parenting 24-7, but I’m willing to bet that most modern families do not have the funds for this.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of tips on taking care of yourself that I wish I could have read when I was a new mom.

This book makes me ponder the delicate balance between taking care of yourself, in a putting-your-oxygen-mask-on-first type of way, and living a Christian life of giving and self-sacrifice. I’m not entirely comfortable with the ultra self-protective stance that Aron proposes. But it’s true that if a parent does not take good care of herself, eventually she (or he) will crack, and that’s no good for anyone involved. And it’s better not to teeter on the edge of the breaking point.

I listened to this on audiobook but didn’t finish. Not sure if I will return to it but I think I listened enough to get the main point.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to this book. I’m so disappointed. It was really all about what HSP looks like and not a lot of tools to help parents navigate being an HSP and parenthood. She will give a story and then she didn’t follow up with what her and her husband did to handle the situation.

[Dallin Coons · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm glad I read this book and I do think it's worth the read for anyone who suspects themselves or someone they live with to be "highly sensitive".

That being said, I found the book was a slog that I was rarely excited to get back to. I'm not even really sure why. There are a couple of things that come to mind that I wasn't entirely thrilled with. First is the subtle sense of elitism, in that highly sensitive people have special powers that others don't possess. On one hand, that's true, but there was something about the tone in the book that turned me off that again, I can't quite pinpoint. I understand the author was trying to play up the positive aspects of this trait knowing that many people in the highly sensitive camp typically see themselves as flawed. I can't fault the author too much, but I also can't say I enjoyed this aspect.

There was also too specific advice, such as going for walks and getting massages, or hiring a nanny. Those kinds of pieces of advice tend to either be obvious or not relevant, and I found that to be the case here.

The last chapter was easily my favorite, which dealt with relationships where at least one party is of a highly sensitive nature. This was what I was hoping the entire book would be like.

This is the type of book that I would recommend, but add in a few caveats.

[Jennie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely confirmed I am on the spectrum of highly sensitive person and as such I do qualify as a highly sensitive parent. This book was very enlightening and helpful! It spoke to me the way I NEEDED to hear and left me not feeling unable to provide or reach goals but capable and excited about how I can better my surroundings. I did not feel broken reading this book about everything I do wrong being sensitive to situations, but what values I bring as well with these characteristics. I will probably buy this and treat it like a bible to reference because it had such quality things. I really liked how this author was sensitive (hah) to the varieties of parents that might qualify- from gender or sexual orientation, to the things that might trigger overwhelm. It was really well written and enjoyable. I definitely felt like I was on the right track with this book when she recommended noise cancelling head phones for parents who are easily overwhelmed by sound of noisy kids because I've been doing that for about 5 years knowingly and about my entire life unknowingly and it helps me A TON. lots of really good ideas and suggestions for working with a NON HSparent as well. Overall definitely recommend if you fall under the category of HSP/HSParent

[Mara · Rating 4 out of 5]

As soon as I saw the title of this book, I knew I had to read it! I’d seen the highly-sensitive book series in the past, but I didn’t realize until very recently that it accurately describes me. I had always known I was an introvert who didn’t like too much stimulation, but this really hit home to me. Becoming a parent has been simultaneously wonderful and life-changing while being incredibly difficult and frustrating due to constant stimulation and chaos. I liked this book a lot, but I think it could have been better. It includes science and assumptions about highly sensitive parents (HSPs). I certainly identified myself in the descriptions and some of the examples, but other examples of dialogues and situations were a bit clunky and not relatable. The author hammers the point that HSPs need downtime to function well as parents. I appreciated this sentiment as it’s certainly true, but some of the suggestions made simply weren’t reasonable for all parents due to financial or other limitations. (The biggest suggestion was to get outside childcare or help, e.g. babysitting, daycare, cleaner, etc.) I was somehow hoping there would be magic bullets for recharging, but really it’s time, quiet, and distraction that recharges HSPs. All in all, this would be a very helpful book for HSPs and it’s relatively short and addresses points directly, which is always wanted in a parenting book!

Thank you to NetGalley and Kensington Books for providing this ARC.

[Peggy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read up to 75% and have concluded that, indeed, there is not much more I can learn from the book. Some of the advice is really obvious. In the chapter on relationship with partners, for examples, Aron says, “Even if you think you know more, listening before you explain your solutions indicates that you feel your partner deserves serious, extended attention.” I mean, I guess maybe it’s a good reminder to listen without interrupting?

More generally, I haven't learned much more from the book than I did through experience, therapy, and many, many conversations with older Buddhist friends and other parents over the past 5 years of being a parent.

That said, what I read so far sounds exactly like the kind of book I could have used when I was in the muck of parenting. The author is so compassionate and understanding, like a good friend who really gets you.

That said, there are some inconsistencies, like when she says that highly sensitive people are more careful in their work, so they are often asked to take on more responsibility; later in the book, she says that "others often see only the downside of our trait, such as our performing poorly under pressure."