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The Elements: A Widowhood
What does it mean to become a widow at 35?
In her mid-thirties Kat Lister lost her husband to brain cancer. After five years of being a wife and one of being a carer, in love and in and out of hospitals, she became a widow.
In the year following his death Kat seeks refuge in stories of grief and widowhood, but struggles to find a language that can make sense of her experience and the physicality of bereavement. Instead, she turns to the elements - fire, water, earth, air - on her quest to come to terms with her grief, to inhabit her body again, and to find out who she is now.
The Elements is a story of love, pain, hope and, ultimately, transformation.
In her mid-thirties Kat Lister lost her husband to brain cancer. After five years of being a wife and one of being a carer, in love and in and out of hospitals, she became a widow.
In the year following his death Kat seeks refuge in stories of grief and widowhood, but struggles to find a language that can make sense of her experience and the physicality of bereavement. Instead, she turns to the elements - fire, water, earth, air - on her quest to come to terms with her grief, to inhabit her body again, and to find out who she is now.
The Elements is a story of love, pain, hope and, ultimately, transformation.
240 pages, Hardcover
Published September 9, 2021
6 people are currently reading
159 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
September 9, 2022
Kat Lister writes beautifully, with passion and great emotion. This book can be very difficult to read at times, it is raw and her pain jumps from the pages. However, it's an important book and one that people can take comfort from, the the overarching message that whilst there are many recorded and talked about 'stage of grief', we all grieve in different ways.
The past couple of years have been hard for me personally, in terms of bereavement. Three years ago my oldest friend died of a particularly rare and aggressive type of cancer. She was 46 and I struggled to cope with that loss, and still do. Earlier this year, my Mum died. She'd been diagnosed with cancer just six months before she died, we nursed her at home and watched her steady decline with such sorrow. The pain that I felt when Mum died is different to the pain that Rachel's death caused me. I have grieved differently, but both times it has been painful and I have felt anger, anguish and agony.
Kat Lister includes many references in her book, she sought solace in reading when her husband died and I can totally relate to that. She mentions works by authors that I've not heard of, and others that I am familiar with and many that I've noted down and will read myself one day.
I'm not so sure about the 'elements' part of the book, I understand her reasoning for doing this, and I can empathise with the burning feet, as I have experienced that myself. It's an unusual structure, but again, as is common with grief, it is Kat's way and it is not my place to question the way she wishes to connect her feelings.
I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing your husband at such an early age. Seeing someone who was previously so full of life deteriorate until they have to take a bed in the Hospice is overwhelming and Kat's writing shows this throughout. I admire her bravery, her honesty and empathise with her sorrow and loss.
A book that deals with loss, but has such hope attached too.
The past couple of years have been hard for me personally, in terms of bereavement. Three years ago my oldest friend died of a particularly rare and aggressive type of cancer. She was 46 and I struggled to cope with that loss, and still do. Earlier this year, my Mum died. She'd been diagnosed with cancer just six months before she died, we nursed her at home and watched her steady decline with such sorrow. The pain that I felt when Mum died is different to the pain that Rachel's death caused me. I have grieved differently, but both times it has been painful and I have felt anger, anguish and agony.
Kat Lister includes many references in her book, she sought solace in reading when her husband died and I can totally relate to that. She mentions works by authors that I've not heard of, and others that I am familiar with and many that I've noted down and will read myself one day.
I'm not so sure about the 'elements' part of the book, I understand her reasoning for doing this, and I can empathise with the burning feet, as I have experienced that myself. It's an unusual structure, but again, as is common with grief, it is Kat's way and it is not my place to question the way she wishes to connect her feelings.
I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing your husband at such an early age. Seeing someone who was previously so full of life deteriorate until they have to take a bed in the Hospice is overwhelming and Kat's writing shows this throughout. I admire her bravery, her honesty and empathise with her sorrow and loss.
A book that deals with loss, but has such hope attached too.
October 4, 2021
This story hit all too close to home to me: like Kat Lister, my sister was widowed in her thirties, her husband having endured gruelling years of treatment for brain cancer that caused seizures and memory loss. Lister’s husband, Pat Long, was a fellow journalist. Cancer was with them for the entire span of their short marriage, and infertility treatment didn’t succeed in giving them the children they longed for.
Although it moves back and forth in time, the memoir skims over the happy before and the torturous middle, mostly shining a light on the years after Pat died in 2018. Lister probes her emotional state and the ways in which she met or defied people’s expectations of a young widow. Even when mired in grief, she was able to pass as normal: to go to work, to attend social functions wearing leopard print. She writes of a return trip to Mexico, where she’d gone with Pat, and in some detail of the sexual reawakening she experienced after his death. But everyday demands could threaten to sink her even when life-or-death moments hadn’t.
Writing helped her process her feelings, and the Wellcome Library was a refuge where she met her predecessors in bereavement literature. While some of the literary points of reference are familiar (Joan Didion, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, C.S. Lewis), others are unexpected, and the overall Fire–Water–Earth–Air structure creates thematic unity in a similar way as the constellations do in Molly Wizenberg’s The Fixed Stars. Giving shape and dignity to grief, this is a lovely, comforting read.
A favourite passage:
“When I talk of my husband, I often speak of disparate worlds. Mine is inside time, his is supertemporal. I continue to age whilst my husband stays fixed in a past I am drifting further away from with every sentence that I type. And yet, like those luminous balls of plasma in the sky, we are still connected together, for all time is cyclical. I hold the elements within me.”
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
Although it moves back and forth in time, the memoir skims over the happy before and the torturous middle, mostly shining a light on the years after Pat died in 2018. Lister probes her emotional state and the ways in which she met or defied people’s expectations of a young widow. Even when mired in grief, she was able to pass as normal: to go to work, to attend social functions wearing leopard print. She writes of a return trip to Mexico, where she’d gone with Pat, and in some detail of the sexual reawakening she experienced after his death. But everyday demands could threaten to sink her even when life-or-death moments hadn’t.
Writing helped her process her feelings, and the Wellcome Library was a refuge where she met her predecessors in bereavement literature. While some of the literary points of reference are familiar (Joan Didion, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, C.S. Lewis), others are unexpected, and the overall Fire–Water–Earth–Air structure creates thematic unity in a similar way as the constellations do in Molly Wizenberg’s The Fixed Stars. Giving shape and dignity to grief, this is a lovely, comforting read.
A favourite passage:
“When I talk of my husband, I often speak of disparate worlds. Mine is inside time, his is supertemporal. I continue to age whilst my husband stays fixed in a past I am drifting further away from with every sentence that I type. And yet, like those luminous balls of plasma in the sky, we are still connected together, for all time is cyclical. I hold the elements within me.”
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
September 13, 2022
Yesterday, 12th of September was my turn on Random Things Tours blog tour for The Elements A Widowhood by Kat Lister. I apologise for being a little behind with my reading. I read this personal exploration into grief, loss of a loved one and widowhood as a paperback and I’m very glad that I took part on this blog tour as I really liked this non-fiction book. It seemed so very timely, emotional and poignant considering that our dear Queen passed away so very recently. We, as a whole nation, are grieving right now.
It seemed like a perfect timing reading this book and trying to understand grief, as I watched on TV the King, Princess and the two princes stand in a Cathedral in Edinburg and hold a vigil for their mother. I shed a tear or two while reading this book for the author, her terrible loss and the Queen.
This book is an exploration about grief and where it takes you, and it is written by Kat Lister who became a widow at a very young age -only 35- as her husband of 5 years died of brain cancer. This must have been a terrible loss, and the reader can feel this through the pages of this book. I offer my deepest sympathies to the author. She is incredibly strong, as she’s had to endure miscarriages as well, double the loss.
I have never experienced such loss, but I think this book can be very useful for somebody going through this. It will provide comfort and make them feel less alone I think. This book shows that there’s no single way to grieve; there is no right or wrong way, nor is there a time limit to grief.
I thought this book was an amazing and emotional read. I’m amazed by the strength and courage of the author of this book. We are often stronger than we think, and can endure more than we thought capable of. I’m giving this book 5 stars because it is extraordinary and not like anything I’ve read before.
It seemed like a perfect timing reading this book and trying to understand grief, as I watched on TV the King, Princess and the two princes stand in a Cathedral in Edinburg and hold a vigil for their mother. I shed a tear or two while reading this book for the author, her terrible loss and the Queen.
This book is an exploration about grief and where it takes you, and it is written by Kat Lister who became a widow at a very young age -only 35- as her husband of 5 years died of brain cancer. This must have been a terrible loss, and the reader can feel this through the pages of this book. I offer my deepest sympathies to the author. She is incredibly strong, as she’s had to endure miscarriages as well, double the loss.
I have never experienced such loss, but I think this book can be very useful for somebody going through this. It will provide comfort and make them feel less alone I think. This book shows that there’s no single way to grieve; there is no right or wrong way, nor is there a time limit to grief.
I thought this book was an amazing and emotional read. I’m amazed by the strength and courage of the author of this book. We are often stronger than we think, and can endure more than we thought capable of. I’m giving this book 5 stars because it is extraordinary and not like anything I’ve read before.
September 7, 2023
I read this book for a memoir course, it was recommended. It is Hard to read (to listen as I got an audiobook), impossible to put down. Kat writes beautifully and explores her feelings after she lost her husband through the prism of four elements. I particularly loved how the author ventured to dig the meaning of certain words, concepts and places along the way.
At the beginning, it’s hard to know where this is heading - which is only true about grief, where the bereaved is searching the door to the light again, blindfolded. I’d give it 4.5 stars as I loved the fluency and beauty of the written word, but sometimes I was annoyed by the lengthy passages seemingly about nothing - yet again, see above, it’s a story of someone trying to find the new meaning.
At the beginning, it’s hard to know where this is heading - which is only true about grief, where the bereaved is searching the door to the light again, blindfolded. I’d give it 4.5 stars as I loved the fluency and beauty of the written word, but sometimes I was annoyed by the lengthy passages seemingly about nothing - yet again, see above, it’s a story of someone trying to find the new meaning.
November 7, 2022
📖 The Elements by Kat Lister @katlister.🧡
👉I have choosen this book last week as All the Saints day 🕯 is closer to my heart than Heloween🎃
👉I always had sensitive and deep-reaching relationships with idea about people dying. I am blessed to have most of them in my life, and this book is one of the attempts to prepare for inevitable. The author- widow at age of 35 - shares bravely and openly, how she and her husband went through the diagnosis of cancer. 😢
📌"It would take time for me to realize that grief is anything but linear, that there are no stages to be ticked off, only motion sickness, as you careen from one mood to the next, desperately trying to mimic some semblance of everyday life."
👉I have choosen this book last week as All the Saints day 🕯 is closer to my heart than Heloween🎃
👉I always had sensitive and deep-reaching relationships with idea about people dying. I am blessed to have most of them in my life, and this book is one of the attempts to prepare for inevitable. The author- widow at age of 35 - shares bravely and openly, how she and her husband went through the diagnosis of cancer. 😢
📌"It would take time for me to realize that grief is anything but linear, that there are no stages to be ticked off, only motion sickness, as you careen from one mood to the next, desperately trying to mimic some semblance of everyday life."
January 8, 2025
This was a fascinating memoir about widowhood. I audiobooked it 🎧 on Spotify premium and it was wonderfully read by the author.
I don’t know why but I’m always drawn to memoirs about grief. At 35, Kat was so young to lose her husband to cancer so her story is particularly poignant.
What a shock that must have been. This is a book I will think about forever.
I don’t know why but I’m always drawn to memoirs about grief. At 35, Kat was so young to lose her husband to cancer so her story is particularly poignant.
What a shock that must have been. This is a book I will think about forever.
August 10, 2023
Visceral and powerful, this is shattering grief turned into words
March 30, 2025
My friend sent me this two weeks after I lost my 56year old husband to stomach cancer. Beautifully written and achingly honest - and it did help me process some of what I was going through.
July 27, 2022
I listened to the audio book, which is narrated by the author. It is a very touching account of their experience of being made a widow at a young age and finding solace in the elements.
February 7, 2022
What a strikingly honest and beautifully immersive examination of grief. Powerful, raw and heart-wrenching but at the same time deeply comforting and hopeful. I had to stop several times to catch my breath but by the end of it, I felt like I could breathe much better than before.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews