In an effort to revitalize certain reviews that have languished far too long in algorithmic obscurity, I have gone back and grafted unto them, appendages of ghastly proportions, serving no real function other than to push against character limits like an impacted wisdom tooth. I do so primarily out of spite. With the image of every avuncular professor of letters who milked the teet of their hepatic duct with their thumb and forefinger, (while maintaining right angles with their digitus minimus manus), in order to produce bile which, with alarming ubiquity, dawns the gross morphology of a sensible notion, and attempted to piss this physiological aqueous solution consisting of salts, phospholipids, cholesterol, conjugated bilirubin, electrolytes, and water into the nerve endings of my audio equipment while verbally masquerading as,
“Young lady. The puerile manner of your craft entertains infrequently, edifies less, and touches upon shared human experience none. Your locutions are grotesquely muscular. What we have here is the kind of clinical insecurity which results in bodybuilders injecting themselves with synthol. This is a bicep gratuitously inflated with sarcoplasmic growth and exogenous compounds. You remind me of those young men who are so obsessed with hiding their natural paunch that they bind themselves in corsets of Saran Wrap and engage in the postural affectations of a gorilla attempting burlesque. *and here he leans in conspiratorially to whisper with emphasis* let me tell you - Jen - no one gives a FIG about your ludicrous gun show. Similarly, you’re annoying those of us who love language.” And I reply to him then, as I reply to you now. Mounting the ramparts of his desk and shouting, “I CANNOT BE CAGED! I CANNOT BE CONTROLLED! before tipping sideways and kicking the desk out from under me like a suicide bucket, and in a massive contortion of physical laws, shattering my iliac crest into untold multitudes of calcified arrowheads, while the whiplash of my spine disarticulating against the ground launches my feet skyward with such violence that my shoe slides frictionless from my foot at the apogee of centripetal trajectories necessary to blast a hole through a fiberglass partition manufactured by Armstrong Ceiling Solutions and get sucked into an intake fan within the bowels of the faculty bathroom, causing it to screech and emit black smoke. Which did indeed end the tenure of this crotchety sage by causing the fatally congested turbine to then explode and push the boundaries of his delicate sensory envelope well over the edge, thus sending him into the briny depths of cardiac arrest with the sounds of mechanical failure filling his ears and tenebrous smoke cradling his dying body like an otherworldly gurney. And all the while I writhe on the ground, screaming, “MY FUCKING ILIAC CRESSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Later, while finding myself in the unenviable position of eulogizing a grammarian inquisitor who I had essentially murdered with my penchant for exploring the limits of representation within realms verbal, it is with some shame that I tell you I could not help but take a jab at the turkey necked bastard by ending my heartfelt poem with the following words: “Concision is weakness. Verbosity is strength. Amen.” Causing his bereaved widow to storm the pulpit in asthmatic fury before being handily restrained by a pair of cherubic gingers who cast silent aspersions my way as they led the hysterical woman into fresh air. Ah the folly of youth.
I'll never forget the day this book came into my life. As I took a nasty header, (and not for the fuuuuuuuuu (or(or(or(or(or(or(or(or(I am who(or(I(or(is explained by Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj as an abstraction in the mind of the Stateless State, of the Absolute, or the Supreme Reality, called Parabrahman: it is pure awareness, prior to thoughts, free from perceptions, associations, memories.) am)’ehye ’ăšer ’ehye) אֶהְיֶה)fifth)fourth)third)second)first)time) down a grimy vestibule outside makeshift lodgings constructed from the partially digested remains of shrews struck dead by lift and drag coefficients attached to remarkably big peepers (ie. a nocturnal predator without equal by the name of Doctor Hoo) terminating in great, rodent rending claws of volcanic glass which it uses to administer a fatal “Good game!” To the scurrying Mus musculus’s furry, rapidly undulating posterior as it tries to get the fuck out of the proverbial Dodge (ie. An allusion to Dodge City, Kansas, a busy cattle town in the late 19th century notorious for gunfighters, gambling, brothels and saloons which one must scram from forthwith least they incur truncations to their fiscal and/or life expectancies), reaggravating previous traumas inflicted on, (but not limited to), my iliac crest and exploding a parcel of packing peanuts with the hard kernel of a bōc (ie. bōk) (ie. Cognate to ‘beech’) (ie. буква bukva) (ie. Codex) buried within. I then lay immobile for days, scorched by the sun and weathering the insults of inclement weather while wondering whether [insert display of contrition and total disavowal of frivolous verbal synthol] (ie. Re-enunciation (sp)) my entire pelvic girdle had sustained damages irreparable. At long last I slid between these pages for succor, only to discover a collection of vulnerabilities in our most social of fabrics.
Are you someone who is concerned that, due to your sheltered upbringing, you’ve inherited an optimism bias which makes it difficult to conceive of bad things happening to you? Do you feel as if this extends more broadly to the idea that people in affluent parts of the world have lost the tragic sense of history? That, for them, history is something to read about, but never live through? This book may just blast you in the chest with the force of a frozen turkey fired from a howitzer. Have you ever, while smeared temporally and spatially by the ingestion of DMT, heard frantic voices rise in a parabolic arc and whistle down on you with a deadly warning? To which you stopped and shouted: “It’s NOT paranoia! The embedding is very subtle, it’s probably been overlooked!” Only to realize, much too late, that you’d blundered into an open field used for turkey launching competitions? Well, you might’ve lived through the national Punkin Chunkin event, but a cold brick of snood and concentrated tryptophan makes for far deadlier ordnance. See you on the other side, sister.
This book is by Dan Carlin, who, while not carrying the official talisman of a historian, has a knack for sharing his passion for the subject on the Hardcore History Podcast. If you have a thing for history, and you haven’t confessed your feelings for it yet, take your sorry ass and get on it before I slap knots on your head faster than you can rub ‘em. If you’re already a loyal concubine, you will find that this book is basically a compressed version of prior episodes, massaged into a thematically connected reflection on the collapse of empires, and the cyclic historical forces which lurk below the untroubled surface of our conditioned complacency like the narcoleptic Old One himself. Carlin’s perspective on history is that of a Xenomorph, with it’s prehensile tale ending in a barbed spear and ever eager to penetrate the soft guts of your local android and cause it to leak suspiciously coom-like fluid from every USB-Z port (lets all pour out a used condom for our boy Bishop - those who know - know well the gruesome fate the master of Five Finger Fillet met at the end of the Queen’s girthy stinger).
Alternatively, and by his own admission, he adopts the perspective of a Martian (far less interesting if you ask me, but, whatever), or what others might refer to as Big History, meaning he parses the interminable interactions of beans most human in chronological heapings foreign to your average historian and portion control enthusiast. Through this lens, progress which we take to be inevitable and immovable, appears precarious. Patterns of collective behavior emerge which render this optimism quaint. This complacency, arrogant. The arc of history, on these timescales, does not bend so much as present the teeth of advancement and regression.
Carlin captures this phenomena by noting: we are hardwired to “Think in terms of continuous improvement and modernization because it broadly reflects how things have been for many centuries.” But then presents the question: “The advent of nuclear weapons has bestowed on humans the capability to reorient the world (or destroy it) in mere minutes, either with direct intended strikes on enemies or with a miscalculation of a rival’s maneuvers. Has our capacity to be citizens of the world and possess these weapons responsibly grown with our increased technology? Or are we the same creatures on a collision course with disaster, once again the victims of our own hubris? On the precarious nature of a world littered with nuclear weapons, Carlin lets his pessimism show by quoting the philosopher Bertrand Russell – “you may reasonably expect a man to walk a tightrope safely for ten minutes; it would be unreasonable to do so without accident for two hundred years.”
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
The Bronze Age, the Assyrians, the Romans, and Atlantis all receive some treatment, though the chapter on Rome receives special, if general, attention, while Atlantis is nowhere to be found. We’re left to infer its presence from its absence. We’re then given a brief reprieve from this ruinous rumination, as our spirits are made to soar on the wings of the Spanish Flu, and experience the panoramic grandeur of the Black Plague, before finally allowing the twin angels of biological warfare and nuclear annihilation to sing us to our rest.
We in parts of the developed world have experienced an unprecedented level of peace and prosperity. Most of the time we’re oblivious to the fact that the sum of all sword swings, shot arrows, calvary charges, grapeshots, blunderbusses, muskets, canons, artillery and spitballs, have had their collective energy amplified by unspeakable orders of magnitude, packaged for delivery, and equipped with amazon alpha-prime. The kinetic has become potential. Lucky for us that our wisdom has increased at a rate commensurate with our technological progress. And that our highly capable, global leaders, have only our best interests in mind.
Fucking iliac crest lol.
“Friends, I shall ask you to be as quiet as possible. I don’t know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot—but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.” - Teddy Roosevelt