Одной любви недостаточно: как пары могут преодолевать недопонимание, урегулировать конфликты и решать проблемы во взаимоотношениях с помощью когнитивной терапии

by Aaron T. Beck, Аарон Т. Бек

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Со свойственным ему красноречием и доступностью Аарон Т. Бек анализирует реальные диалоги несчастливых пар и проливает свет на самые распространенные проблемы в браке — силу негативного мышления, разочарование, жесткие правила и ожидания, а также недопонимание — и показывает, как эффективное общение может восстановить и укрепить брачные узы.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Marriage, Counselling, Love

464 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1988

About the author

Aaron Temkin Beck was an American psychiatrist who was a professor in the department of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. He is regarded as the father of cognitive therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). His pioneering methods are widely used in the treatment of clinical depression and various anxiety disorders. Beck also developed self-report measures for depression and anxiety, notably the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI), which became one of the most widely used instruments for measuring the severity of depression. In 1994 he and his daughter, psychologist Judith S. Beck, founded the nonprofit Beck Institute for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which provides CBT treatment and training, as well as research. Beck served as President Emeritus of the organization up until his death.
Beck was noted for his writings on psychotherapy, psychopathology, suicide, and psychometrics. He published more than 600 professional journal articles, and authored or co-authored 25 books. He was named one of the "Americans in history who shaped the face of American psychiatry", and one of the "five most influential psychotherapists of all time" by The American Psychologist in July 1989. His work at the University of Pennsylvania inspired Martin E.P. Seligman to refine his own cognitive techniques and later work on learned helplessness.

Reviews

[Sadra Kharrazi · Rating 4 out of 5]

متاسفانه نبود سواد جنسی کافی و همچنین آگاهی نداشتن از مسائل مربوط به روانشناسی رابطه، سبب شده است که بسیاری از روابط به شکست و جدایی منجر شود. این فقدان اطلاعات لازم، سبب می شود که زوجین برای احیای رابطه، دست به کارهای اشتباهی بزنند و بیشتر و بیشتر در منجلاب فرو روند

این کتاب به درستی بیان می کند که وجود عشق به تنهایی هرگز نمیتواند یک رابطه موفق را شکل دهد چرا که به محض فروکش کردن آتش عشق، این مشکلات هستند که رابطه را هدایت می کنند و در صورتی که طرفین توانایی برطرف سازی آنها را نداشته باشند، شکست اتفاق می افتد

ممکن است که ما تحت تاثیر کتاب ها، فیلم ها و افسانه های عاشقانه، دچار شیدایی شویم و منطق را فدای احساسات کنیم. شیدایی باعث می‌شود که زن و مرد نتوانند نقاط بد و منفی یکدیگر در ابتدای رابطه شناسایی کنند و به همه چیز با دید مثبت می نگرند. این همان جایی است که میگویند عشق تو را کور و کر میکند. با ادامه یافتن رابطه و جدی شدن زندگی، مشکلات زندگی مشترک، سبب میشود که نقاط منفی نادیده گرفته شده، با شدت زیادی به چشم بیایند که نتیجه آن سردی و دلزدگی است

نکته مهم دیگری که در کتاب به آن اشاره می شود، اهمیت مکالمه است؛ ذهن خوانی میتواند به پیش بینی های اشتباه منجر گردد و بی جهت تولید نگرانی یا احساس عدم امنیت عاطفی بکند و سبب پیش داوری شود. همیشه بیان مشکلات و تفکرات و به زبان آوردن آنچه در دل می گذرد می تواند در حفظ کیفیت رابطه موثر باشد
به قولی، پارتنر شما نوستراداموس نیست که بداند در دل و ذهن شما چه میگذرد و شما از چه ناراحت هستید

[Jonathan Karmel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relationships change after you have been together for a long time. The excitement during the early stage of infatuation often serves as a standard by which couples judge the later stages of their marriage. The hurts, quarrels, and petty frustrations stand in stark contrast to the euphoria of the courtship period. Many people can't relinquish their early image of what marriage should be like—which promotes later disillusionment with their spouse and the relationship itself.

Once infatuation wears off, you need to maintain feelings of loving and being loved. Cultivate and affirm that you have feelings of warmth and tenderness for your partner. Act like you care about your partner’s welfare, pleasure and pain. Express affection by saying “I love you” all the time and touching your partner in a loving way. Have an attitude of acceptance, accepting your partner in totality, as someone with weak points as well as strong ones.

Feeling accepted means you are comfortable and relaxed and you can “be yourself” around another person. Unless your partner is actually doing something immoral or illegal, don’t make them feel like they should change. If they are doing something immoral or illegal, you need to try to help them and then forgive them.

Even though you want things from your partner, you need to be loving all the time, even when you don’t get what you want from them. Be empathetic, feeling your partner’s good and bad emotions, yet still maintaining a boundary between your partner’s feelings and your own feelings. You need to be sensitive to your partner’s "hang-ups” even though they are irrational. Be understanding, accepting the other person’s perspective even though it is different from your own perspective. Practice companionship, such as spending time together on the proverbial “date night.” Be emotionally and physically intimate. Share what you are thinking and feeling; don't keep your thoughts and feelings a secret. Treat your partner like a friend.

Please your spouse; do things just to please your partner that you would otherwise not want to do. Be supportive, entering your partner’s subjective state rather than acting detached and objective. You cannot expect your partner to always be independent. Sometimes they need to lean on you and depend on you like a child. Closeness means constantly checking in with the other person and making sure you both feel “connected,” not detached.

People bring strong expectations into marriage, but one partner often does not communicate these expectations to the other and may not even be aware of them. In many cases, the husband or wife either cannot or is unwilling to relinquish the original expectations. Further, these expectations are likely to revolve around symbols—of love or rejection or insecurity—which by their very nature are inflexible.

Don't "frame" your partner with a negative quality. For example, the global, overgeneralized conclusion that your wife is “always” manipulative. Once the partner is framed, almost any action she takes will be viewed through this frame. In the “manipulative” example, if the wife did something really kind and considerate, the husband would think, suspiciously, “What is she up to now, what’s she trying to get from me?” even if there is no basis to believe the wife is actually being manipulative in this particular instance.

When a couple is courting, the man and woman both try to please each other, and each partner practices nearly constant altruism and empathy. One of the reasons each partner acts this way is that the relationship is new and exciting. Another reason may be that doing whatever you can to please another person seems like a small price to pay to end the frustration of not having someone to share your life with, the fear that you will spend the rest of your life alone and the sadness that is a result of your loneliness. But once you become used to being in a relationship, you return to your temperamental set point. You no longer feel lonely. You no longer have a strong desire to please your mate. Now you do things for your mate because you believe you “should” do them, and you also think your mate “should” do things for you. When your mate is not doing the things they “should” do for you, you think it is unfair and you feel angry. You have a different mindset than you had in the beginning.

After you have been in a relationship for a long time, you are likely to have automatic thoughts that are wrong—cognitive distortions.

Tunnel Vision. For example, if you think “we fight all the time,” and then you take a week-long vacation during which you have one fight that lasts for one hour, you might think to yourself “we fought the whole time. Our vacation sucked.” It is totally normal to get into a single, one-hour-long fight during a one week vacation. Instead of being sad, you could just as easily be happy that you had a great vacation. Another example is if you say to yourself that you didn’t have any fun at a party, because your partner arrived late, “as usual.” This is a distortion, because there is no reason why your partner arriving late would prevent you from having fun at a party.

Selective Abstraction. Let’s say your husband tells the following story at a party. “I never knew that ‘K of C’ meant Knights of Columbus. I remember the first time I heard that phrase. Our car broke down, and we asked a pedestrian where the nearest garage was. The pedestrian said, ‘maybe you can get some assistance at the K of C.’ I thought: ‘KFC? How is a Kentucky Fried Chicken going to help me fix my car?’” The people hearing the story laugh. You think to yourself: “He still holds a grudge, because I didn’t take the car in for maintenance when it had an oil leak, and then we broke down while we were driving.” In fact, that wasn’t the point of the story at all. You could have been happy that your husband told an amusing anecdote in a social situation, and you and your friends are having a laugh, but instead you are angry for no reason at all.

Arbitrary Inference. Your wife is sitting silently in the same room with you and you think, “She must be angry at me. She’s giving me the cold shoulder.” In fact, she is getting ready to file the family tax return, and she’s trying to calculate in her head whether the family had capital gains or capital losses this year on stock sales. You are getting upset for absolutely no reason.

Overgeneralization. You have a plan to meet your partner somewhere. She’s late and she does not call. Then she arrives late without apologizing. You think, “She’s always late, and she never apologizes.” In reality, she is not always late, when she is going to be late she usually calls, and when she arrives late, she usually apologizes. In this particular case, she completely lost track of the time. Also, what you actually said was, “Let’s meet around 6 or so,” not “it is important to me that we meet at exactly 6.” Also, there is no urgency to meeting exactly at 6, and spending half an hour alone will not create any hardship for you. You could have spent a pleasant half an hour without your partner, but instead you are fuming because of a false belief that your partner is “always” late and “never” apologizes.

Other examples: Almost everyone lies sometimes. If your partner lies to you one time or lies about one type of thing, you should not jump to the conclusion that your partner is a generally dishonest person who always lies about everything. If your partner can’t stand your favorite movie, that does not mean that you and your partner “have nothing in common.”

Polarized Thinking. Your partner asks you to do something that you don’t want to do, and you feel obligated to do it. You think, “I am going to have to spend the rest of my life being my partner’s slave.” In reality, you only occasionally have to do things for your partner that you don’t want to do. Your partner does not treat you as a slave, and depending on the situation, you may be free to say “no” when your partner wants you to do something. Your partner is not more “controlling” than average, even though it is true that there are some things that are very important to your partner that your partner would like to maintain control over. You could feel good about yourself, because you are doing something for someone you love, and that person appreciates what you are doing. But instead, you are angry, because you have falsely adopted “all-or-nothing” beliefs.

Magnification. Your partner lies to you about working late, when he actually went out for a drink in a bar after work. You think, “I can never trust my partner about anything again. He is probably an alcoholic.” In fact, he lied about one thing one time. That does not mean that he always lies about everything. It may be that if you had asked him why he lied, he would have said that he was embarrassed to admit that he wanted to go out for a drink with a friend instead of coming home, and you might have said, “You don’t need to be embarrassed about that. You could have just told me what you were doing, and I would not have minded.” You refuse to forgive him, even though he apologized for lying. You are angry and afraid, when you could have the feeling of being forgiving and generous and appreciated.

Other examples: You think to yourself, “We’ve spent the last hour in the same room together and have not said anything to each other—this means our marriage is dead.” Not true. Or you think to yourself, “We had an argument in front of the kids; we have traumatized them.” Not true.

Biased Explanations. You ask your wife to pick up your prescription at the drug store on the way home from work and she forgets. You think, “She did not pick up my prescription because she just didn’t feel like experiencing a slight inconvenience. She’s lazy, and she doesn’t care about me.” In fact, she just followed her normal routine and drove straight home and forgot to do it. There is no basis for ascribing a bad motive to her actions.

Negative Labeling. Your wife really wanted you to do something, and you didn’t do it because you didn’t want to. Now, she is noticeably disappointed. You think, “She is punishing me for not doing what she wants. This is proof that she is a manipulative person.” You tell her that she is being manipulative, and then she becomes angry that you labeled her in that way. In reality, you know why she is disappointed, and if you asked her, she would tell you that she feels disappointed because you did not do what she wanted. She is not being mean to you because she is a manipulative person. She hasn’t done anything “manipulative,” and you have made a slightly negative situation much worse by falsely accusing her of being spiteful and manipulative. You could have just thought, “I am sorry I disappointed my wife by not doing what she wanted me to do. But I did want I wanted to do, which demonstrates that I love and respect myself. This is an important and valuable quality, even though it sometimes creates conflict with my wife.” You could have expressed these thoughts out loud, or not, depending on which option would be more helpful.

Personalization. Your husband likes to sleep with a “white noise” machine, because that helps him sleep. You would prefer to sleep with as little noise as possible. You think, “He knows I prefer silence. He is putting on that machine just to annoy me.” You are taking his actions personally, without any basis. Instead of working together to resolve a conflict, you are becoming angry, because of your false belief that your partner is intentionally and maliciously creating a problem for you. When your partner says she is “sick and tired,” it is easy to think she must be sick and tired of you, but in fact her feelings likely have nothing to do with you. Just because your partner is angry, your partner is not necessarily angry at you.

Mind Reading. You think, “I should not have to tell my husband what to do. He should know what I want. I should not always have to ask.” Wrong, he doesn’t know what you want, because the thing that is important to you is not important to him. If you tell him what you want, he will do it because you are important to him, but if you do not tell him what you want, it would not even occur to him to do it.

You ask him if he wants to go skiing, and he says no. You think, “He doesn’t want to go skiing with me today, because he hates spending time with me and the kids.” In reality he knows he will feel car sick driving to the mountain, he is afraid of getting injured, he knows he will feel nauseous in the ski lodge because of the stale stuffy air, he is worried that he can’t afford it, and he is anxious about some other things he needs to get done. He would be happy to go sleigh-riding at a nearby hill with the kids, and then go for a walk in the evening and watch the sunset after getting done all the things he needs to get done. Your belief that he said no to skiing because he hates spending time with you in the kids is erroneous. Instead of trying to read his mind, you could have just asked, why don’t you want to go skiing?, making it clear that you were open to understanding his reasons without any negative judgment that would discourage him from being honest about his reasons.

If there are things that he dislikes about spending time with you and the kids, try to understand what they are, because it may be possible to eliminate the things he doesn’t like, and then you could both get what you want. If he disagrees with your opinion, you cannot conclude that it is because he doesn’t respect you.

Although spouses often attempt to mind read, and ascribe unworthy motives to their partner, they are in truth blind to the partner’s actual thoughts and attitudes. Thus, many grave marital battles are staged by two blind combatants fighting against fantasized images they have projected onto each other. Though directed at the fantasized image, the attacks pierce the real person.

Subjective Reasoning. You think, I am very anxious and worried about my children. Therefore, my wife is not doing enough to take care of the children. This could be true, if your wife is neglecting the children. But if your children are safe and are experiencing normal childhoods, it is not true. The fact that you feel anxious and worried does not mean that your partner is doing something wrong.

You may think, I feel lonely. Therefore, my partner does not pay enough attention to me. Not necessarily. You might feel lonely even though your partner pays an average amount of attention to you. Your partner is not doing anything wrong just because you feel lonely, especially if you never express to your partner that you want her to pay more attention to you.

Marital problems are exacerbated by angry fights. In addition to reducing the frequency of anger caused by your own cognitive distortions, there are other ways to lessen the frequency and intensity of angry conflict. Instead of being sarcastic, simply ask for what you want. You may be treating your spouse the way one of your parents treated the other parent, even though this way of acting is obviously not working.

When you feel angry, you feel the natural biological urge of “fight or flight.” Unless you are actually being physically threatened, this natural response is often ineffective. What is effective is to calmly assert what you want with a rational acceptance of the reality that you can’t always get what you want. Even though you cannot always control your feeling of anger, you can control yourself from saying or doing angry things. It may not be helpful to tell your partner you are angry, but telling your partner you're angry is okay, because that is not the same as saying or doing something angry. Get out of the habit of saying, “You are making me angry, because you are doing X.” Instead, simply say, “I feel angry, because I am not getting X, which is something I want.” It is not true that the other person is making you angry, because it is possible that the other person could be doing what they are doing and you would not be angry. In reality, you are making yourself angry.

When you are in a fight, you need to stay focused on understanding why the other person is angry and acknowledging what is true about what the other person is saying. You need to ask questions until you can demonstrate to the other person that you understand how the other person feels. Completely disregard the other person’s negative statements, don’t retaliate, don’t say or do anything angry yourself, don’t give any thought to who is “right” and who is “wrong,” don’t try to control your partner and don’t walk away. Don’t tell the other person what the other person is thinking or feeling, but do ask them what they are thinking and feeling. Say positive things such as “I love you” and “I want you to be happy.” Say “I don’t want to fight with you."

If you are the one who is angry, do NOT tell the other person that the other person is making you angry. Instead, refrain from saying or doing anything angry, but use the words: “I feel angry because...” Don’t tell the other person what the other person should or should not be doing or saying. Instead, say “I want X.” Be assertive without acting angry.

Your gut reaction might be, are you nuts? You mean to tell me that when my spouse is angry and ranting and raving and cursing at me, I should just sit there and take it and not fight back? The answer is yes, if you don’t want to fight, don’t fight back. If you want to fight with your life partner, you may want to ask yourself why you want this. Are you getting anything of value out of it?

One reason bad relationships don’t improve is the false belief that a bad relationship cannot change. Here is a list of beliefs that are usually false. You believe that just because something is not the way you want it to be, it cannot possibly be the way you want it to be. You believe that you or your partner cannot change. You believe that you cannot improve your relationship if your partner stays exactly the same. You believe that a relationship cannot be good if you have to work at it. You believe you shouldn’t have to make something worse in the short-run to make it better in the long-run. You believe things cannot be good in the future because something bad happened in the past. You think that is doesn’t matter what your partner does if your partner has the “wrong” thoughts and emotions. You believe that a bad relationship is okay because it is “normal.” You think you have to act the way other people would act in your situation. You think you “just can’t” do something that you literally could do. You think you can’t do something that is "unfair." You think the relationship cannot get better because the bad relationship is “all your partner’s fault.”

Do not be honest all the time. Be diplomatic. You “honestly” believe really nasty thoughts about your spouse when you are upset them, but not when you're calm. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Different people have different conversational styles. You might rub your partner the wrong way because you are not polite, and your partner might rub you the wrong way because your partner is too indirect. Just accept these small differences in style. Make an effort when you are talking to your partner, the same as you would with a stranger at a party.

Whenever your partner says something, respond to both the literal meaning of the words and also the feeling that the person is expressing.

Most people want to have fun, to play and to laugh. If your relationship is devoid of fun, playfulness and humor, you need to figure out ways to stop being so serious all the time.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Reading a number of books in preparation for my course in couples counseling - training graduate students to learn different models for working with couples. I also hope learning about these various models and theories, they can learn something to grow with, as we are all navigating relationships and their inevitable impasses in our lives. I hope they become skilled clinicians, blending intuition and experience and beliefs with theory and techniques. This one is from a cognitive therapy perspective. As a psychodynamic clinician, I am always drawn to going deeper, but I found this a rather fine start. It will be fun to teach.

[Charlene · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book came up on hoopla as a new release. I was excited because I love Beck, so much, and love to read anything he writes. I will never forget sitting in class while a professor told us about Beck's CBT work on schizophrenia happening right down the hall from where we sat. It was unthinkable at the time that CBT could help with such a serious condition as schizophrenia. And from all of the evidence pouring in, it looked (and still does) like CBT might work as well as meds for some people.

Knowing that, I was sure I would love this book on CBT and couple's counseling. After adding it to my 'currently reading' list, I realized it was published in 1998. Still not a problem since I love the history and development of CBT. Even with that positive mindset, I just hated this book. In a way, it seems unfair to rate it low. I am sure CBT has helped and continues to help countless couples who struggle with various marital issues.

The only thing I can say for certain is that it is a very good thing I am not a marriage counselor. I would have told every last couple in this book to get divorced. If my own marriage were anything like any of these boring marriages, plagued with what I consider to be petty and ridiculous problems, I would run for the door so fast. Life is way too short to spend it in any of these relationships.

Despite loving CBT, the only thing I can say I learned from this book was just how lucky I am to be with a person who I find so interesting, loving, brilliant, exciting, and just damned fun to be with. I wish that for everyone and feel like if anyone messed up the first time around and found themselves in any of these situations, they should just leave and find something that is actually right for them. I believe Beck should have been more encouraging about leaving and less encouraging to use CBT to fix what seem to be extremely bad matches, but that is just my opinion.

Obviously I was not the target audience for this book.

[Yasaman Riahi · Rating 4 out of 5]

یک کتاب خودیاری علمی به زبان ساده که به نظرم خوندنش نه فقط برای زن و شوهرها که برای بهبود همهٔ روابط بین فردی لازمه. این کتاب برای آشنایی کلّی با مفاهیم رویکرد شناختی‌ـ‌رفتاری خیلی مفیده. به نظرم سازمان‌ دهی و عنوان‌ بندی مطالب خیلی تعریفی نداره و آدم گاهی سیر موضوعات رو گم می‌کنه یا از تکرار و پس و پیش شدنون خسته می‌شه. اما مثال‌ ها ملموس و کاربردی هستن و کمک می‌ کنن مطالب جا بیافته.

[Ali Tomaj · Rating 4 out of 5]

نیاز به شناخت خود و نقطه ضعف ها و تفکرات اشتباه همراه با عشق
انعطاف داشتن در زندگی و گذشت

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the main challenges in marriage are the unwritten rules/expectations that each spouse has for the other – everything from how to give and receive love, to how much time one is allowed with friends, to the proper way to raise children, to how much time to spend with the in-laws on vacation, to any other number of things. Expectations that are never voiced allowed create havoc in a relationship precisely because they go unspoken. Furthermore, they lead to criticisms about the other person that are general rather than specific. Without proper training, it's usually difficult for the couple to discuss these expectations aloud because one, they are unaware (only semi-conscious) of these expectations in the first place and two, they are usually too wrapped up in conflict to properly examine these automatic thoughts, let alone express them properly. Usually these expectations become evoked as the couple grows closer and more intimate. Usually.

While the material presented in the book is solid, I found the book to be somewhat limited in its scope on marital therapy. Throughout the book, the author constantly harped on the fact that no marriage is perfect. While this is certainly true, I felt he glossed over the fact that some marriages certainly function more effectively than others and why this is so (compatibility). Also along these lines, there seemed to be too many negative examples/role models of marriage and not enough positive examples/role models of marriage – and what the two do differently (Granted, this book’s primary emphasis was applying cognitive behavioral therapy to the context of marital therapy and on correcting cognitive distortions that exist between couples, an important undertaking in itself. At the time the book was published this was no doubt a cutting-edge technique for marital therapy).

Furthermore, there seemed to be a substantial amount of repetition; I felt the book could have been much shorter in length and would have been able to convey the same message. Perhaps the author was just trying to repeat these bits of advice to make them stick in the reader's mind.

[Narges Shegeft · Rating 4 out of 5]

«عشق هرگز کافی نیست»
(خلاصه)




آنچه گفته میشود با آنچه شنیده میشود گاه کاملاً متفاوت است.

هنگام بروز اختلاف باید این سوال را با گشاده نظری و انصاف پرسید که: او مسائل را چگونه میبیند؟ من چگونه؟

تلاش برای بهبود رابطه به این معنا نیست که اشکال بزرگی در آن رابطه وجود دارد.
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روش‌های مقابله با سوءتفاهم:

- ✅بازبینی برداشت/ تفسیر و تردید در درست بودن آن
- ✅توجه کردن و گوش دادن
- ✅سوال کردن
- ✅گسترش فرهنگ صراحت

- ❌نسبت دادن خصوصیات منفی به یکدیگر و برچسب زدن


* سوءتفاهم اغلب زمانی ایجاد میشود که یکی تصویری ��خدوش از دیگری دارد.
* تصویر مخدوش شرایطی فراهم کرده که یکی رفتار یا گفتار دیگری را بد تعبیر کند.
* رفتارهایی که بحساب صفات ناپسند دیگری میگذارید اغلب ناشی از نیاز او به ایجاد امنیت خاطر یا تلاش برای تنها نماندن است.
* ذهن‌خوانی و تفسیر نکنید. مستقیم سوال بپرسید.


انسان نه از خود اشیاء/ افراد بلکه از برداشتی از آنها دارد دلگیر میشود.


بیشتر اصطکاک میان افراد ناشی از سوء‌تفاهم‌هایی است که نشأت گرفته از اختلاف دیدگاه‌هاست. (وگرنه کسی بدسرشت و بدجنس نیست)
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همه خصوصیات دیگری لزوماً بد نیست و تنها به علت عدم تطابق آنها با خصوصیات خود بد جلوه میکنند‌.
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دو فرد در یک رابطه به مفاهیم وسیعی چون: انصاف، توجه، مسئولیت، احترام و … حساس هستند.
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نباید به این امید باطل که اختلافات به خودی خود از بین میروند از حل و فصل مشکلاتی که به تدریج خود را می‌نمایانند خودداری کرد. چون سرانجام که افراد تصمیم به حل مشکلات خود میگیرند چنان تحت تاثیر خاطرات بد و بی‌انصافی‌های گذشته قرار میگیرند که از عهده حل و فصل مشکلات بر نمی‌آیند.
(مشکلات انباشته باعث میشود افراد فکر کنند دیگر برای اصلاح و تجدید نظر دیر شده و اقدام به جدایی کنند. (هرچند که بازم شانس وجود داره اما مسیر کمی پیچیده‌تر و سخت‌تر شده))
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هنگام بروز دلخوری یک لیست شامل 3 ستون تهیه کنید:

1. اتفاق، رفتار یا گفتاری که باعث ایجاد دلخوری شده
2. فکر خود انگیخته‌ای که در من به وجود آمد (حدس و گمان و تفسیر اتوماتیک)
3. واکنش منطقی (با کنار گذاشتن احساسات، خود را جای طرف مقابل گذاشته و دلیل کار او را بنویسید)
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ممکن است خصوصیاتی که زمانی شما را بهم جذب کرده، از آنها لذت میبردید و آنها را تحسین میکردید کمی دیرتر بصورت صفات منفی ظاهر شوند. حال آنکه قالب منفی ذهن زمینه‌ای باعث میشود تنها جنبه منفی این صفات را ببینید و به جنبه‌ مثبت بی‌اهمیت باشید.
* (➖وسواس است = ➕همه چیز تمیز و عالی است)
* (➖رئیس‌ماب است = ➕قاطع است و کار‌ها را به اتمام میرساند)

از خود بپرسید: معمولاً این صفات از اول جلوی چشمم بوده، چرا الآن به آنها حساس شده و آنها را به دید منفی مینگرم؟ آیا مشکل از من و دیدگاهم ناشی می‌شود؟ یا به تازگی به این صفت منفی پی‌ بردم و اذیتم میکند؟
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رفتار‌های منفی (توهین) با اینکه تعدادشان از رفتارهای مثبت کمتر است اما تاثیر چندین رفتار مثبت (محبت) را از بین میبرد.
* در صورت متمرکز شدن روی خودمان شروع اولویت بندی با رفتارهای منفی بهتر است.
* اما درصورت متمرکز شدن روی طرف مقابل بهتر است با اولویت قرار دادن رفتارهای مثبت او ایجاد انگیزه کرد.


نباید صفت منفی نسبت داد و از کنار صفات مثبت گذشت.
رفتارهای خوشایند طرف مقابل را یادداشت و از 1-10 بر حسب شدت به آنها امتیاز دهید.
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حمله به خصوصیات دیگری با ایجاد ضد حمله در او وضع را بدتر میکند.


بجای متهم کردن دیگری به اشتباه کردن، خودخواهی یا سماجت از این راه حل اصولی و منطقی استفاده کنید:

1. هر حادثه را دقیقاً تعریف کنید.
2. نوع اختلاف خود را مشخص سازید.
3. درصدد یافتن راه‌حل برآیید.
4. راه‌حلی که از نظرتان مناسب‌تر میرسد را انتخاب کنید.


-فکر میکنی بتوانیم برنامه دیدار با خانواده‌ت را امسال لغو کنیم با توجه به اینکه اخیراً به دیدارشان رفتیم؟
+اما دیدار آنها برایم خیلی مهم است.
-از 1-10 چقدر مهم است؟
+ 10 از 10. ماندن در خانه و استراحت برای تو چقدر مهم است؟
-5 از 10. با این حساب برنامه تو را پیش میبریم.
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هنگام بروز اختلاف:


1. خلاصه حرف بزنید.


2. صریح حرف بزنید.
* ❌«کاش منظم‌تر بودی»
* ✅«دلم میخواد بعد از استفاده از حوله اونو سرجاش آویزون کنی»


3. خودداری از برچسب زدن چراکه باعث تکدر خاطر و تیره کردن فضای صحبت میشود.
* ❌(شلخته، بی‌ملاحظه، …)


4. خودداری از مطلق‌گویی چراکه شما را از رسیدن به هدف بازمیدارد و انگیزه برای بهبود را در طرف مقابل میکشد.
* ❌(همیشه، هرگز، …)


5. خودداری از توهین، تهمت، سرزنش
* ✅«مسئله‌ای رو میخوام باهات درمیون بذارم ببین میتونی توی حل کردنش کمکم کنی»


6. خودداری از انتقاد
* ❌«همه کارهارو خودم باید انجام بدم، اصلاً کمک نمیکنی»
* ✅«اگر توی شستن ظرف‌ها بهم کمک کنی ممنون میشم»


7. خودداری از ذهن‌خوانی
چیزی که در ذهن‌تان هست را بپرسید، تفسیر نکنید.
* ✅«احساس میکنم از من دلگیر هستی، درسته؟»


8. خودداری از حمله به نقاط آسیب‌پذیر شخص مقابل
* ❌(حساسیت نسبت به شغل، ظاهر، وزن، عادتی بخصوص، …)


9. پیدا کردن زمینه‌های توافق در صحبت
* ✅«قبول دارم اخیراً سرم خیلی شلوغ بوده»
* ✅«قبول دارم زیادی احساساتی برخورد کردم»


10. نشنیده گرفتن مضامین منفی
چراکه در حالت عصبانیت یا دلخوری امکان مبالغه وجود دارد.
* ❌اینکه انسان در شرایط احساسی شدید حرف دلش را میزند در اکثر مواقع غلط است.
* ✅در مواقع بروز بحران‌های احساسی احتمال اینکه شخص منظور اصلی خود را بازگو کند کمتر است. در اغلب مواقع آنچه گفته می‌شود افکاری‌ است ناشی از یک برنامه تفکر ابتدایی، آکنده به خطاهای شناختی و تعمیم‌های مبالغه‌آمیز و کاملاً برعکس چیزی است که در مواقع عادی از ذهن میگذرد.

* ✅به «علت» عصبانیت یا دلخوری توجه کنید.


11. از خود سوال کنید.
* ✅منظورش چیست؟ چه میخواهد بگوید؟


12. مطمئن شوید منظور را به درستی متوجه شدید.
* ✅«منظورت اینه که …؟/ میخوای بگی …؟»


13. متأسفم
* ✅وقتی خواسته یا ناخواسته باعث تکدر خاطر شدید پوزش بخواهید.


14. بجای «تو»، با «من» در جایگاه فاعل جمله را شروع کنید.
* ❌تو با تند روندن ماشین منو نگران میکنی (من مفعول)
* ✅وقتی تند میرونی من نگران میشم (من فاعل)


15. فهرستی از درخواست‌ها و انتظاراتتان فراهم کنید، در اختیار هم بگذارید و درموردشان گفتگو کنید.
* ✅اگر انتظارات نهانی از هم دارید باید آنرا باهم درمیان بگذارید و درموردشان گفتگو کنید. چراکه همین انتظارات و توقعات نهفته و اظهار نشده یکی از عوامل از بین رفتن عشق و از هم پاشیدن رابطه است.

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هنگام خشمگین شدن این سوالات را از خود بپرسید:


1. آیا خشم من بجاست؟ متناسب و به اندازه است؟

2. آیا ناشی از خود من است؟ یا بعلت مشکلی که در رابطه هست وجود خارجی گرفته؟
* (یادآوری تجربیاتی که بدواً خشم به حق بنظر میرسید و بعد به بی‌تناسبی آن رسیدید.)

3. آیا ممکن است برداشت من اشتباه باشد؟ آیا برداشت من مبتنی بر رفتار عینی شخص دیگر است یا بخاطر معنایی است که من تفسیر کرده و برای آن در نظر گرفته‌ام؟ آیا معنایی که برای آن در نظر گرفتم منطقی است و با همه چیز جور در میاید؟

4. آیا دلیل دیگری برای خشم من وجود ندارد؟


5. آیا ممکن است این طرز تلقی ناشی از خطاهای شناختی باشد؟
- گسسته بینی
* (یک جزء را به کل ربط میدهیم: چون از شور بودن غذا شکایت کرد، از دستپخت من متنفر است)

- تعمیم مبالغه‌آمیز
* (اگر درموردی صحبت شما را قطع کرد یا به شما بی‌احترامی کرد او کسی است که همیشه صحبت شما را قطع میکند و به شما بی‌احترامی میکند)

- فاجعه دیدن امور
(چقدر وحشتناک است که او به من دروغ گفت)

- شخصی سازی
* (اگر ناراحت است، لابد من کاری کردم)
* (اگر بی‌حوصله است، من حوصله‌ش را سر برده‌ام)

- مطلق گرایی یا تفکر همه یا هیچ
* (او همیشه فلان است، هیچوقت فلان نیست)

- برچسب منفی زدن
* (بجای رفتار ناخوشایند، خود شخص را مورد حمله قرار دادن: او شلخته است زیرا لباسش را جمع نمیکند)

- ذهن خوانی
* (حدس زدن مفهوم رفتار شخص)



6. آیا از تقصیر کار دیدن و ناراحت شدن شخص مقابل لذت میبرم؟ آیا از گناهکار بودن شخص مقابل ‌و معصوم و بی‌گناه واقع شدن خود لذت میبرم؟

7. از عصبانی شدن، مجازات و انتقاد چه نسیب من میشود؟

8. با عصبانی شدن چه چیزهایی از دست میدهم؟
(حتی اگر اثر کوتاه مدت مفید داشته باشد ممکن است نتایج بلند مدت منفی داشته باشد)

9. میخواهم با عصبانی شدن چه مطلبی را انتقال دهم؟ آیا عصبانیت و سرزنش و انتقاد بهترین راه انتقال آن است؟

10. آیا بهتر نیست بجای مجازات از تشویق هر رفتاری که مطابق میل من است استفاده کنم؟ آیا بهتر نیست درمورد چیزی که مرا آزرده در خونسردی و با منطق صحبت کنم؟

11. از چشم شخص مقابل به مسائل نگاه کنید.

12. خشمتان را با روش‌های سالم تخلیه کنید:
* احساسات خود را بنویسید.
* خانه را تمیز کنید.
* راه بروید.

13. بیاد داشته باشید اگر خونسردی خود را حفظ کنید بهتر میتوانید منبع گرفتاری را پیدا کنید. ممکن است خویشتن‌داری دشوار باشد اما در نهایت به سود شما و رابطه‌تان است.

[Yitzchok · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am giving this book 5 stars because it contains, what I feel is, crucial information on how to deal with a very common issue in relationships. I do feel that this 400 page book would have been much better as a 200 page book. However, since Chapter #1 – The Power Of Negative Thinking and Chapter #13 – Changing Your Own Distortions are so vital and crucial for a healthy relationship it gets 5 stars.

[Leila · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتابي كارآمد براي بهبود روابط زوجين.
خرداد ٩٧

[ثمین پذیرائی · Rating 4 out of 5]

کتاب مفیدی بود از نظرم…رشته تون روانشناسی باشه و یا نباشه در هر صورت اگر توی ارتباطی هستید خوندن این کتاب میتونه ذهنیت خوبی بهتون بده از فضای رابطه ها و کمکتون کنه تا بهتر بشین و در نتیجه رابطه تون رو هم بهتر کنید 🌱🧡
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
•طرز برخورد و رفتار در اوایل اشنایی پس از ازدواج به تدریج تغییر شکل میدهد و جای ان را گله و شکایت و عیب جویی دوران کودکی پر میکند .

•حامی بودن کیفیت دیگری است تا همسرتان در وقت نیاز و بروز مشکلات به شما تکیه کند.

•همسر قوی تر کسی نیست که بیشتر فریاد می زند ،بلکه کسی است که به ارامی و بدون سر و صدا گفتگو را برای تشخیص و حل گرفتاری هدایت میکند.

[Ellinor ﹏ · Rating 4 out of 5]

مفید بود ....
4⭐

[Tony · Rating 4 out of 5]

The approach of using couples dialogue, especially their internal and unexpressed thoughts compared to what they actually say was really interesting.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

good book for couples having problems - gets a little technical at times but if you skip the chapters that don't apply it can be helpful

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of my first self-help books. I liked discovering cognitive psychology.

[Marco · Rating 3 out of 5]

Long, naive, sometimes interesting, mostly obvious (don't yell at your spouse, don't throw things at him/her, be clear in your requests, non-violent communication, etc, etc, etc). As the reviewer Charlene said:

" I am sure CBT has helped and continues to help countless couples who struggle with various marital issues.

The only thing I can say for certain is that it is a very good thing I am not a marriage counselor. I would have told every last couple in this book to get divorced. If my own marriage were anything like any of these boring marriages, plagued with what I consider to be petty and ridiculous problems, I would run for the door so fast. Life is way too short to spend it in any of these relationships.

Despite loving CBT, the only thing I can say I learned from this book was just how lucky I am to be with a person who I find so interesting, loving, brilliant, exciting, and just damned fun to be with. I wish that for everyone and feel like if anyone messed up the first time around and found themselves in any of these situations, they should just leave and find something that is actually right for them. I believe Beck should have been more encouraging about leaving and less encouraging to use CBT to fix what seem to be extremely bad matches"

While I feel myself capable of helping couples even when they're as childish as the ones presented in this book, I do agree with the sentiment.

[Angie Del Castillo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesante guía desde una aproximación cognitivo-conductual para resolver los conflictos inherentes a las relaciones sexo-afectivas; si bien, puede resultar muy útil para ciertas problemáticas de pareja instauradas en conflictos por malentendidos suscitados en ausencia de comunicación asertiva, parece consiederar que toda relación es rescatable, incluso aquellas donde se presenta infidelidad y violencia, lo cuál, es bastante criticable. Una cosa es decatastroficar lo trivial, y otra muy distinta es reducir la percepción ante la conducta que verdaderamente supone un mayor problema de salud psicológica para la víctima; en adición no parece considerar que exista la conducta adrede malvada, la sevicia, sino que todo es confusión entre las partes. No enseña a poner limites y parece avalar los estereotipos de género; si el estilo de comunicación "femenina" y "masculina" chocasen tan importantemente como lo sugiere el autor, entonces las relaciones homosexuales no tendrían mayor problema, las cuales, se mencionan en la sección introductoria, más jamás se abordan en ninguno de los casos mencionados.
En reiteración, útil para subsanar malentendidos nimios, desastrozo para parejas con conflictos de gravedad.

[Jens · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's good, clear and complete, but it's also long and repetitive. The basic premise being that a fact is neither positive nor negative, yet our thinking makes it so. He goes a long way emphasizing the "automatic thought" or biased thinking where we interpret before we act upon that thought/assumption instead of ponder over possible meanings from the other's perspective. Lots of typed out conversations and checklists found me skipping through them (especially chapters 13-17 where all remedies come down to what I described hereabove). But it gave me some new ways of interpreting and handling certain universal relationship struggles, so I walk away better of for having read it.

[Karla · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars

[Daniela Salcedo Nissen · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF 9%

[Joe Reeve]

Great book from a great thinker. It's an older book but it seems like these ideas and the research backing them formed the basis for what nowadays is standard advice for fostering a good relationship.

[David Roquet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Útil, claro y bastante didáctico para aprender a relacionarse mejor

[Hamideh Saeidirad · Rating 5 out of 5]

از کتاب‌های ارزشمندی در زمینه‌ی رشد شخصی و بهبود روابط میان‌فردی و حتا خودشناسی به حساب می‌آید. خواندنش نه یک‌بار، که مراجعه به آن در طول زندگی و در صورت نیاز، مثل مراجعه به یک مشاور آگاه و دوستی دانا و خوش‌سخن توصیه می‌شود. در واقع این کتاب سعی بر اصلاح و تغییر ذهنیت‌های نامتناسب فرد در روابط بین‌ فردی از منفی به مثبت را دارد. خطاهای شناختی و طرز تلقی‌های منفی شایعی که همه‌ی افراد و اذهان در مواقعی آن را تجربه می‌کنند به خوبی توضیح می‌دهد و بل مثال‌های قابل درک بازنمایی می‌کند؛ و نحوه‌ی گذر از این خطاها و نتایج منفی حاصل‌شده‌ی ناشی از آن‌ها را به خوبی، روانی و کاملن کاربردی در زندگی روزمره آموزش می‌دهد.

[Hoorieh Jafary · Rating 3 out of 5]

من این کتاب رو خوندم و فکر میکنم محتوا خیلی قدیمی و جنسیت زده هست. در خیلی از بخش های این کتاب وظایف زن نگهداری از کودکان و مدیریت خانه تعبیر میشه.
از سمت دیگه فکر میکنم با رویکردهای نوین روانشناسی که در حال حاضر در دنیا وجود داره بسیار فاصله داره.
از طرفی نویسنده سعی کرده بود کتاب رو با قصه هایی از کاراکترهای تمثیلی پیش ببره اما زبان کتاب نه تنها قصه گانه نبود، بلکه تعدد کاراکترها و جدا بودن مشکلات و راه حل هاشون باعث گیج شدن مخاطب می شد.
مجموعا اونقدری کتاب بد نبود که تا آخر نخونم اما اگر قرار باشه بگم چقدر مفید بوده و بخش های مفید کتاب رو تجمیع کنم شاید کتابی بسیار کوچک و کم حجم از دلش در بیاد.

[Mahdi Zangane · Rating 4 out of 5]

میشه گفت یکی از بهترین کتاب هایی هست که در زمینه ی روابط زن و شوهر به رشته ی تحریر دراومده.رویکرد نویسنده بر پایه ی روش شناخت درمانی هست که خود نویسنده یکی از بنیانگذاران این مکتب روانشناسی هست.خوندن این کتاب رو برای تمامی زوج ها پیشنهاد میکنم حتی اون هایی که مشکلات چندانی در روابط خودشون ندارند.
اسم این کتاب ازین جهت انتخاب شده که نویسنده معتقده که عشق و علاقه بین زن و شوهر خصوصا در ابتدای ازدواج برای تداوم رابطه‌ی زناشویی کافی نیست و می بایست روش هایی برای حل تعارضات اجتناب ناپذیر آموخت
۱۴۰۰/۲/۳۱

[Melissa Lee-Tammeus · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this in preparation for CBT with couples, which I have yet to truly encounter. I found it fascinated and learned a lot about relationships overall and how easy it is to misconstrue and misinterpret those little things, making them in to big things.

[Isabelle Bishop · Rating 5 out of 5]

I truely believe that if I had not read this book, my marraige would have failed. I broke the cycle of disfunctional living by following the advice in this book and others. I highly recommend it for anyone about to get married.

[Rachele Ludvigson]

I really like self-help books. This book is great in helping to overcome marriages little problems which we all have. It is helping me to see what I can do to become a better communicator.

[Cesar Bianchi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is amazing,it is a psychological book that tells the truth about relationship and helps you sort out why your relationship has problems.. awesome book...

[Fredrick Danysh · Rating 3 out of 5]

A relationship manual for couples. It addresses many of the common problems in relationships and offers suggestions for improvement of those relationships.