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The Time of Our Lives
What’s the key to the art of growing older well? Is it an art that anyone can cultivate? How should we confront dying and death in a secular age? What about sex when we’re older? What about loneliness? (And, for that matter, what about facelifts?)
At the height of his powers in this remarkable (and often witty) book, Robert Dessaix addresses these increasingly urgent questions in inimitable prose and comes up with some surprising answers. From Java to Hobart via Berlin, Dessaix invites us to eavesdrop on his intimate, no-nonsense conversations about ageing with friends and chance acquaintances.
Reflecting on time, religion, painting, dancing and even grandchildren, Dessaix takes us on an enlivening journey across the landscape of growing older. Riffing on writers and thinkers from Plato to Eva Hoffman, he homes in on the crucial importance of a rich inner life.
The Time of Our Lives is a wise and timely exploration of not just the challenges but also the many possibilities of old age.
At the height of his powers in this remarkable (and often witty) book, Robert Dessaix addresses these increasingly urgent questions in inimitable prose and comes up with some surprising answers. From Java to Hobart via Berlin, Dessaix invites us to eavesdrop on his intimate, no-nonsense conversations about ageing with friends and chance acquaintances.
Reflecting on time, religion, painting, dancing and even grandchildren, Dessaix takes us on an enlivening journey across the landscape of growing older. Riffing on writers and thinkers from Plato to Eva Hoffman, he homes in on the crucial importance of a rich inner life.
The Time of Our Lives is a wise and timely exploration of not just the challenges but also the many possibilities of old age.
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Published November 1, 2020
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
January 15, 2021
3.5 stars. A well written, honest, philosophical, thought provoking read about the author’s thoughts on growing old. The author is in his 70s. The book is written in a relaxed, smooth style, including conversations with ageing friends and associates about a number of topics on living happily as an old person. The author is Australian, gay, a novelist, journalist and essayist, well read and travelled. He writes that an abundant inner life is what will sustain us to the end.
There is no plot, however there are some useful comments about growing old well. Here are a couple of lines I particularly liked:
‘You must practice to be happy alone.’
‘Loneliness is the punishment for not caring enough about others.’
There is no plot, however there are some useful comments about growing old well. Here are a couple of lines I particularly liked:
‘You must practice to be happy alone.’
‘Loneliness is the punishment for not caring enough about others.’
October 7, 2020
Strangely, I came to admire what I’d read much more AFTER I’d finished Dessaix’s contemplative “conversation”. In taking the reader on a journey through the challenges of growing older in our modern Western society, the author provided a stimulating consideration about the possibilities that can liberate an older person in ways that were not available to him/her at a younger age. His observations resonated with me and left me feeling that much of what I had discovered as I had entered my seventies was part of the healthy perspective that Dessaix was encouraging.
I found the lengthy discussion on death and dying, our reactions to each, somewhat tedious, however. The book then ‘took off’ for me when Dessaix began to relate his intense conversations with close friends about ageing, about friendship, and about what life could mean to the person who had cultivated “an inner life”. The author saw this cultivation of curiosity, of kid-like excitement in life, and of intimacy and friendship with the few we loved, as the key to an enriched life as an older person. He recognised that “enforced boredom” was the most frightening obstacle to growing older with contentment, as “[n]othing’s really worth doing when you’re bored.”
Dessaix included references to great thinkers and artists, as well as acknowledging the influence of culture (particularly that of Java and India) on his inner life. I had the sense that I was listening in to a conversation he was having with himself rather than reading advice on how to live happily. What captured my attention most, perhaps, was his observation that it was important to know “when to give up” on the things that were really not important to us any longer, as they had been when we were younger.
I found the lengthy discussion on death and dying, our reactions to each, somewhat tedious, however. The book then ‘took off’ for me when Dessaix began to relate his intense conversations with close friends about ageing, about friendship, and about what life could mean to the person who had cultivated “an inner life”. The author saw this cultivation of curiosity, of kid-like excitement in life, and of intimacy and friendship with the few we loved, as the key to an enriched life as an older person. He recognised that “enforced boredom” was the most frightening obstacle to growing older with contentment, as “[n]othing’s really worth doing when you’re bored.”
Dessaix included references to great thinkers and artists, as well as acknowledging the influence of culture (particularly that of Java and India) on his inner life. I had the sense that I was listening in to a conversation he was having with himself rather than reading advice on how to live happily. What captured my attention most, perhaps, was his observation that it was important to know “when to give up” on the things that were really not important to us any longer, as they had been when we were younger.
March 20, 2025
Robert Dessaix is an Australian national treasure, and this exploration of the joys and perils of ageing is full of nuggets of wisdom and insight. It’s an easy read - entertaining, funny, sad and thought provoking.
November 29, 2020
I liked this book and its emphasis on the importance of a rich inner life as we hit our twilight years.
Some quotes from the book:
So what can we do about being alone and loneliness ? ‘ You have to practise being alone , ’ ‘ It’s an art . And you have to start practising early ! ’
‘ Yes , you must practise to be happy alone , ’ she said , adding a large pinch of paprika to the steamy mix . ‘ And the key to being happy alone — what I think — is friendship , intimate friendship , Innigkeit . ’ I liked ‘ Innigkeit ’ : a warm closeness with someone’s living inner world . ‘ That’s what unlocks you , ’ Katharina went on , ‘ opens you up , frees you : friendship between hearts . But it takes a lot of practice . And it’s a two - way street , by the way : you have to be worth befriending . ’
loneliness is the punishment for not caring enough about others
Tedium — the deadliness of a becalmed old age
At a certain point towards the end , if you have all your faculties intact , you’re unlikely to give a rat’s arse about anything very much at all ( except , just possibly , global warming ) .
Until you’re well into middle age , your self - esteem is constantly being threatened , you are forever wondering whether or not you are measuring up , or whether you should care about the fact that you obviously aren’t
The Stoics held that offence has to be taken , it can’t just be given , so we should try not to take it in the first place . ’
It looks possible when you are young that your own particular notions of right and wrong will eventually hold sway in the world , with the majority of those who disagree with you finally admitting that you were right all along .
Some quotes from the book:
So what can we do about being alone and loneliness ? ‘ You have to practise being alone , ’ ‘ It’s an art . And you have to start practising early ! ’
‘ Yes , you must practise to be happy alone , ’ she said , adding a large pinch of paprika to the steamy mix . ‘ And the key to being happy alone — what I think — is friendship , intimate friendship , Innigkeit . ’ I liked ‘ Innigkeit ’ : a warm closeness with someone’s living inner world . ‘ That’s what unlocks you , ’ Katharina went on , ‘ opens you up , frees you : friendship between hearts . But it takes a lot of practice . And it’s a two - way street , by the way : you have to be worth befriending . ’
loneliness is the punishment for not caring enough about others
Tedium — the deadliness of a becalmed old age
At a certain point towards the end , if you have all your faculties intact , you’re unlikely to give a rat’s arse about anything very much at all ( except , just possibly , global warming ) .
Until you’re well into middle age , your self - esteem is constantly being threatened , you are forever wondering whether or not you are measuring up , or whether you should care about the fact that you obviously aren’t
The Stoics held that offence has to be taken , it can’t just be given , so we should try not to take it in the first place . ’
It looks possible when you are young that your own particular notions of right and wrong will eventually hold sway in the world , with the majority of those who disagree with you finally admitting that you were right all along .
November 6, 2024
As a long-term fan of Dessaix, it's hard to know what to make of this book, apart from compost. It resembles nothing so much as a lightly-edited transcript of after-dinner chatter among people who own large boats. Gone is Dessaix's care, wit and intellectual deftness; what remains, of course, is erudition - but now it is enlisted in the service of a book that reads like a set of gossipy tales about people you don't know (and darling, *you never will*). There's a glibness in Dessaix's discussion of the big issues (death, god, myth, maybe chianti), a sort of philosophy and anthropology-lite which manages to be simultaneously dogmatic, vague, and scrupulously unlearned.
There's no question Dessaix remains one of Australia's greatest contemporary writers - but that's the case despite this book, not because of it.
There's no question Dessaix remains one of Australia's greatest contemporary writers - but that's the case despite this book, not because of it.
October 18, 2020
3.5⭐️ Robert Dessaix is always great company, witty & erudite. I wasn’t sure I’d get into this one about ageing, but it’s really reflections on a rich inner life.
March 18, 2022
Dessaix spends time with his partner's dying mother, contemplates her life and asks what makes for a full and pleasurable old age. His answer - have a rich inner life, and start on it early.
This isn't a preachy book at all - Dessaix writes with a light touch, relates conversations with friends, digresses, wonders about the Javanese waiter, comments on ducks that 'scuttle about like startled nuns', examines the difference between contentment and happiness, and generally seems to be chatting to the reader.
This was an enjoyable read and one with plenty to think about, though I occasionally felt at odds at his evaluation of another's life.
This isn't a preachy book at all - Dessaix writes with a light touch, relates conversations with friends, digresses, wonders about the Javanese waiter, comments on ducks that 'scuttle about like startled nuns', examines the difference between contentment and happiness, and generally seems to be chatting to the reader.
This was an enjoyable read and one with plenty to think about, though I occasionally felt at odds at his evaluation of another's life.
March 9, 2021
A rambling discussion of the ageing process. I don't think Dessaix and I have the same ideas about what a quality life entails, neither while we were young nor as we age. I think The Time of Our Lives might be a good way to start a conversation, but there was no logic or real direction to it. Merely mostly coherent ramblings about old age.
April 7, 2023
In 1999, I’d been entranced by Night Letters by this author but couldn’t complete any other of his books, finding them detached and a bit too erudite.
Dessaix’ style in The time of our lives seems less about reaching firm conclusions than about exploring the nuances and possibilities of later life. This book has scholarly references but they are not the main thing; the touch is light.
A reader looking for structure here will be disappointed. Dessaix makes no secret of the fact that he has ‘gone off story’: now he writes ‘essays and reflections, not narratives… Sorties these days, rather than stories.’ And this approach seems to work as he circles around the question of what makes a good life, moving closer, back, then closer again in reflections and easy conversations.
I particularly enjoyed his investigation of loneliness. Through his conversation with Finnish-born friend and inspiration Katharina, Dessaix learns the importance of befriending the self, and the art of creating intimate friendships. He affirms the capacity to enjoy conversations with yourself (and others) about things that matter, 'things with roots …’, the inner life.
Dessaix writes about how, with age, one needs to find our own ideal rhythm, and how his attitude to time has changed. 'I read what takes my fancy. I watch whatever I’m in the mood for on Netflix, I go to bed early and get up late. If I want to go to Java for a week or three, I do. I achieve very little, but my roots are deep and full of sap.’
Bemoaning a lack of satisfying books to read, he writes ‘…what we crave is something to do with the human heart … Private lives, even the private lives of the good and great, are not necessarily inner lives. I want to read about lives that transform mine in unimagined ways, not lives that mirror mine.’
Having once had wide horizons, been curious about everything, Dessaix acknowledges: ‘Now I have much narrower horizons, but I go deep’.
Not everything is on the surface in The time of our lives. We have to go deep, too.
Dessaix’ style in The time of our lives seems less about reaching firm conclusions than about exploring the nuances and possibilities of later life. This book has scholarly references but they are not the main thing; the touch is light.
A reader looking for structure here will be disappointed. Dessaix makes no secret of the fact that he has ‘gone off story’: now he writes ‘essays and reflections, not narratives… Sorties these days, rather than stories.’ And this approach seems to work as he circles around the question of what makes a good life, moving closer, back, then closer again in reflections and easy conversations.
I particularly enjoyed his investigation of loneliness. Through his conversation with Finnish-born friend and inspiration Katharina, Dessaix learns the importance of befriending the self, and the art of creating intimate friendships. He affirms the capacity to enjoy conversations with yourself (and others) about things that matter, 'things with roots …’, the inner life.
Dessaix writes about how, with age, one needs to find our own ideal rhythm, and how his attitude to time has changed. 'I read what takes my fancy. I watch whatever I’m in the mood for on Netflix, I go to bed early and get up late. If I want to go to Java for a week or three, I do. I achieve very little, but my roots are deep and full of sap.’
Bemoaning a lack of satisfying books to read, he writes ‘…what we crave is something to do with the human heart … Private lives, even the private lives of the good and great, are not necessarily inner lives. I want to read about lives that transform mine in unimagined ways, not lives that mirror mine.’
Having once had wide horizons, been curious about everything, Dessaix acknowledges: ‘Now I have much narrower horizons, but I go deep’.
Not everything is on the surface in The time of our lives. We have to go deep, too.
January 13, 2023
Back in the 1980s when Australia’s cultural identity was centred around a blonde haired, toned bodied larrikin wearing ass hugging shorts and sleeves shirts throwing shrimps on the barbie Robert Dessaix was extolling the virtues of literature on ABC radio. These men are now in their late seventies and early eighties. I guess either of them could have written this book. I am glad Dessaix did as he is a skilled wordsmith and although this is not a literary masterpiece it is peppered with examples of Dessaix’s skill with a turn of phrase.
I read A Mother’s Disgrace, it was a wonderful read.
Lives sees Dessaix musing about old age and the aging process. He mentions refers to and quotes a flotilla of individuals in his discussions, Epicurus, Plato, John Cleese, Bertie Wooster, Bette Davis, Edward Said, Beethoven’s, Philippe Ariès, Mary Beard, Nietzsche, Barbara Ehrenreich, Bertrand Russell, Kevin Costner, Bob Dylan, Taylor Swift, Bourdieu, Beckett, Bradman and the South Sydney Rabbitohs.
A sizeable part of the text centres around his Saturday visits to Rita, his partner’s 90 something mother. She is in St Ursula’s Grange nursing home. Their final visit is tremendously sad. At other times he is on the Indonesian island of Java with an aged friend, Sarah discussing eastern philosophies with life decisions.
If death seems to be a spot on the horizon for you this might interest you.
I read A Mother’s Disgrace, it was a wonderful read.
Lives sees Dessaix musing about old age and the aging process. He mentions refers to and quotes a flotilla of individuals in his discussions, Epicurus, Plato, John Cleese, Bertie Wooster, Bette Davis, Edward Said, Beethoven’s, Philippe Ariès, Mary Beard, Nietzsche, Barbara Ehrenreich, Bertrand Russell, Kevin Costner, Bob Dylan, Taylor Swift, Bourdieu, Beckett, Bradman and the South Sydney Rabbitohs.
A sizeable part of the text centres around his Saturday visits to Rita, his partner’s 90 something mother. She is in St Ursula’s Grange nursing home. Their final visit is tremendously sad. At other times he is on the Indonesian island of Java with an aged friend, Sarah discussing eastern philosophies with life decisions.
If death seems to be a spot on the horizon for you this might interest you.
February 18, 2021
Very enjoyable. It took me a little while to find the rhythm of this book but once I did I could not put it down. Robert provided a very honest assessment of old age and kicked around a few ideas of how to live well in old age. I am not sure I came away much wiser or excited about changing anything but maybe I have been armed with many more questions. Very well written with an engaging style. I would recommend the read. I will definitely read more of Robert’s books.
November 20, 2022
I really couldn't get into this book. I had thought that, given the subtitle, it would give some guidance on aging, not that I thought it would be a full-on self-help book. Instead, I got a book of rambling conversations that may, or may not, have held some gems. It seemed a bit self-indulgent to me.
December 15, 2024
Musings and anecdotes on aging- set in Australia and Indonesia.
Liked the reflection of one friend on grandchildren- ‘the best thing about growing old’- not supported by the author. Also living life w looseness and losing the sense of achievement.
Did not suit me, but others may find its tortuous reflections suit them.
Liked the reflection of one friend on grandchildren- ‘the best thing about growing old’- not supported by the author. Also living life w looseness and losing the sense of achievement.
Did not suit me, but others may find its tortuous reflections suit them.
November 7, 2020
Elegant, playful and timely. Thoughts on how to age with grace and enjoyment and how to make the best of your time - you don't have to be retirement age to benefit from this delightful philosophical meditation.
January 4, 2021
Both playful and serious, Dessaix' intimate reflections reminds us of what's important as we age. I could hear his mellifluous voice as I read it. I'm sure I'll read it again with delight!
January 28, 2021
Lightweight
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July 4, 2021Interesting propositions for me as I learn to be retired and grow old.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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October 19, 2021I didn’t finish this book .. I may borrow from the library at another time .
December 7, 2022
Interesting musings on ageing with tidbits of travel and discussions on the topic. Perhaps a little self-indulgent.
February 21, 2021
A book absolutely full of gems. Wise and insightful, poignant and full of meaning. I have reserved Tolstoy’s “ The death of Ivan Ilyich”, listened to Schostakovich’s last string quartet and Prokofiev’s 8th piano sonata to name a few great influences from Robert Dessaix’s inner life.
August 25, 2025
I did not finish this book. It started well but by page 35 it just wasn’t holding my attention. I have enjoyed others by Robert Dessaix, just not this one.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews