Velle: to will, to wish

by Aerlalaith

MDZS/CQL fanfic

After Wei Wuxian's death and his own severe punishment, Lan Wangji must decide the direction his life will take.

ebook

First published August 3, 2020

Reviews

[Monique · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not gonna lie, reading MDZS fan-fics is currently my coping mechanism. What can I say, it's good for the soul. I read way too many of them, good, bad, amazing and this particular one is definitely in my TOP 10.




We were never told in the book how exactly Lan Wangji adopted A-Yuan. I wish that would be one of the extra chapters because I'm sure it could have been one of the most precious moments in the book. Luckily, this fan-fic filled the missing piece and it's very close to how I imagined it happened, so this made me even happier.

I think the writer managed to capture very well what Lan Zhan must have felt when Wei Ying died. His whole world collapsed and on top of that, he has been severely punished because he loved the wrong person.

“Didi,” Lan Xichen whispers, and it’s another shockwave. Wangji hasn’t been Lan Xichen’s didi since before he was Wangji. “A-Zhan,” his brother says, and Lan Wangji tries to focus on him, but it is difficult. His brother’s face ripples, blackness crowding at the sides of Lan Wangji’s vision. “Go back to sleep. Please—go back to sleep.”
It could be a plea, it could be an order. Lan Wangji can’t tell. Regardless, he obeys.

I really liked how the development of Lan Zhan's feelings was handled. There was only pain and regret at first when he looked at A-Yaun, and then he slowly realized how much he needs A-Yuan and how much A-Yuan needs him because he's the only one who will raise this child how Wei Ying would have wanted.

The child, cheeks still chubby with baby fat, presses two hands against the wall of Lan Wangji’s room and favors Lan Wangji with a very inquisitive, very familiar tilt of the head.
It is like a lightning bolt straight into Lan Wangji’s chest. Wen in body, Wei in motion, Lan Wangji is certain he has never hated, nor loved, any being so much as he feels towards the boy in his room.

Cautiously, he places his right arm around A-Yuan’s back, while his left hand continues to pet A-Yuan’s hair.
He finds himself humming.
He finds himself humming Wangxian.

It hurts to look at him, Lan Wangji thinks, this small embodiment of every one of Wei Ying’s hopes for the future, every one of his sacrifices. It hurts to look at him and it hurts to look away.

“Night, Gege,” A-Yuan whispers and then there is a warm pressure against his side, as if a tiny body has curled up carefully next to him and, for all intents and purposes, gone right to sleep.

During their separation, Lan Wangji had often caught himself staring at the sky, thinking that, wherever he was, whatever he was doing, Wei Ying might also be looking at the same moon, the same stars.

Wei Ying, he thinks, and the tears come, as they always do when he is alone, with none to save face for but himself. I will keep him safe.

“Gege, I missed you,” A-Yuan declares, and rubs his face all over Lan Wangji’s pristine white robes. The corner of Lan Wangji’s mouth softens. Children are sometimes unbearably sincere, he thinks, and pats A-Yuan’s head.

“What else does the ribbon mean?”
A-Yuan sticks his thumb in his mouth. “It’s not for touching.”
“Except?” Lan Wangji presses, pulling A-Yuan’s thumb away and wiping it with the corner of his robe. He is rewarded with a shy grin, like a sudden burst of sunlight.
“Except for Gege!” A-Yuan says, perhaps a tad more loudly than strictly necessary. He says, as if as afterthought, “and me.”

And it is there, under the spring sky, with the weight of Wei Ying’s son—his son—against him, plucking each note with careful reverence, that Lan Wangji realizes. He does not have the answers he wants. Not for Wei Ying. But for now, perhaps, he has the answers he needs.

Yes, I know that was way too many quotes and fanarts but it's not my fault that it's so beautiful 💖

fan-fic link

[Ursy · Rating 5 out of 5]

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍