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Now That I See You
The winner of the prestigious The Australian/Vogel's Literary Award.
In those first moments, that admission felt precious to me: it was something that I alone had been deemed worthy enough to carry and I was grateful. I was grateful to finally know, but I still couldn't speak.
Something was wrong, she knew it, but she was entirely unprepared for what he would tell her.
Viewed through the lens of a relationship breakdown after one partner discloses to the other that they are transgender, this autofiction spans eighteen months: from the moments of first discovery, through the eventual disintegration of their partnership, to the new beginnings of independence.
In diaries and letters, Now That I See You unfolds a love story that, while often messy and uncomfortable, is a poignant and personal exploration of identity, gender, love and grief.
In those first moments, that admission felt precious to me: it was something that I alone had been deemed worthy enough to carry and I was grateful. I was grateful to finally know, but I still couldn't speak.
Something was wrong, she knew it, but she was entirely unprepared for what he would tell her.
Viewed through the lens of a relationship breakdown after one partner discloses to the other that they are transgender, this autofiction spans eighteen months: from the moments of first discovery, through the eventual disintegration of their partnership, to the new beginnings of independence.
In diaries and letters, Now That I See You unfolds a love story that, while often messy and uncomfortable, is a poignant and personal exploration of identity, gender, love and grief.
216 pages, Paperback
Published May 4, 2021
8 people are currently reading
404 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 79 reviews
July 22, 2021
This was a frustrating read. Emma’s response to her partner coming out as trans was honestly painful in how selfish, entitled and manipulative she came across a lot of the time. Like insisting they transition to friendship and that they see each other several times a week when Jess was only comfortable with once; or when she went to meet Jess’s best friend to tell him her side of the story... it honestly read like it had an undercurrent of transphobia to me which was never directly addressed - eg the idea that Jess had deceived Emma, Emma getting upset at the idea of Jess wanting hormones because that’s permanent whereas they can change out of a dress, when Emma spends two pages complaining about the way Jess expresses their femininity, etc, etc, etc... and there was almost no self awareness of how toxic this behaviour was until well over half way in, and even then it was only small bits and pieces.
Was it raw? Kinda. But I also think it’s unnecessary and potentially harmful, especially if people are buying this thinking that the trans experience will be discussed with any sensitivity whatsoever. And although I understand the emotions Emma expressed, I don’t think she demonstrated a lot of personal insight when exploring those emotions, her conclusions were usually that she’s an ‘empath’ so Jess has to accomodate her, which is kinda messed up. She never dug beneath her immediate reaction, she just demanded Jess do whatever would make her feel better, regardless of whether that was actually what Jess wanted or needed. At every point, it was her feelings that mattered most.
I’m not trying to suggest Jess handled everything perfectly either, and I can only imagine how challenging this situation was for both Emma and Jess, and the loss of a long term relationship is never easy, but this was just not a good read for me.
Was it raw? Kinda. But I also think it’s unnecessary and potentially harmful, especially if people are buying this thinking that the trans experience will be discussed with any sensitivity whatsoever. And although I understand the emotions Emma expressed, I don’t think she demonstrated a lot of personal insight when exploring those emotions, her conclusions were usually that she’s an ‘empath’ so Jess has to accomodate her, which is kinda messed up. She never dug beneath her immediate reaction, she just demanded Jess do whatever would make her feel better, regardless of whether that was actually what Jess wanted or needed. At every point, it was her feelings that mattered most.
I’m not trying to suggest Jess handled everything perfectly either, and I can only imagine how challenging this situation was for both Emma and Jess, and the loss of a long term relationship is never easy, but this was just not a good read for me.
June 16, 2023
at first I did not agree with some of the criticisms of this book. it's essentially the authors diary and I thought, it's fair the author is self pitying in her own diary and doesn't always share feelings which seem fair - it's literally her diary it doesn't need to be fair or correct.
but the further this got in, the more it became unbearable and grating. a lot of this book is centered on how the author feels cheated/deceived/victimised by her trans partner coming out and while I do at times think this did do a good job exploring the authors complex reaction - it was also just so overly self-pitying and lacking any form of serious self reflection that it became irritating. the journal format became a disservice because her reflections are rudimentary and surface level. "x thing happened, I felt sad" "y thing happened, I felt guilty". If this had done a better job really unpacking and exploring then it might have hit better, but instead it just became droll and monotonous.
the author honestly also just comes across as a little pathetic, when it seems like 50% of her issue is she cannot do anything alone or sit in her own presence. it's like obviously all break ups are bad and can be traumatising but also.. come on girly. It just at some point became a little eye roll inducing and unbearable.
I also just found it so funny and kinda cringe how she made sure to mention, MANY TIMES, how everyone around her thinks she's such a saint and soo amazing for going through all this and sooo strong and that she non-ironically calls herself an empath. lol
but the further this got in, the more it became unbearable and grating. a lot of this book is centered on how the author feels cheated/deceived/victimised by her trans partner coming out and while I do at times think this did do a good job exploring the authors complex reaction - it was also just so overly self-pitying and lacking any form of serious self reflection that it became irritating. the journal format became a disservice because her reflections are rudimentary and surface level. "x thing happened, I felt sad" "y thing happened, I felt guilty". If this had done a better job really unpacking and exploring then it might have hit better, but instead it just became droll and monotonous.
the author honestly also just comes across as a little pathetic, when it seems like 50% of her issue is she cannot do anything alone or sit in her own presence. it's like obviously all break ups are bad and can be traumatising but also.. come on girly. It just at some point became a little eye roll inducing and unbearable.
I also just found it so funny and kinda cringe how she made sure to mention, MANY TIMES, how everyone around her thinks she's such a saint and soo amazing for going through all this and sooo strong and that she non-ironically calls herself an empath. lol
July 1, 2021
I thought this book would be a considered retelling of the journey of a young trans woman and her partner and how they navigated the murky waters of changing fundamental elements of their world. What I wasn’t expecting was the entitled dross that this book contained. The ditched partner just could not take no for an answer and made the entire journey about themselves. This book is dripping in entitled BS and the author lacks any element of self awareness. I finished this book because I wanted to see if it redeemed itself but honestly, I just found myself rolling my eyes at the author’s references to Mumma and Daddy, despite being 30 years old, the references to the money that Mumma and Daddy gave her to buy her first house and her regular trips to Europe. Just…no. Perhaps her next book could be about the time Daddy refused to buy her a second pony.
June 27, 2021
Viewed through the lens of a relationship breakdown after one partner discloses to the other that they are transgender, this autofiction spans eighteen months: from the moments of first discovery, through the eventual disintegration of their partnership, to the new beginnings of independence.
In diaries and letters, Now That I See You unfolds a love story that, while often messy and uncomfortable, is a poignant and personal exploration of identity, gender, love and grief.
Not going to lie. I was quite triggered by this story 😞 It bought back memories of past relationship breakdowns. That feeling of heartbreak, anger, denial and longing. While my own story isn’t one involving a confession of transgender, I sympathized with Emma so deeply. Especially considering this is her own personal story. I wish her all the best for her future and thank her for sharing her story with the world 🙏🏻💖
In diaries and letters, Now That I See You unfolds a love story that, while often messy and uncomfortable, is a poignant and personal exploration of identity, gender, love and grief.
Not going to lie. I was quite triggered by this story 😞 It bought back memories of past relationship breakdowns. That feeling of heartbreak, anger, denial and longing. While my own story isn’t one involving a confession of transgender, I sympathized with Emma so deeply. Especially considering this is her own personal story. I wish her all the best for her future and thank her for sharing her story with the world 🙏🏻💖
May 12, 2021
Reading this I felt a lot.
As a trans woman who went through a situation where coming out caused the destruction of an 11 year relationship. I found myself deeply frustrated with some of the actions of the narrator. The feelings when her partner began transitioning, as though the partner had been inauthentic, on purpose, and not, as it was with my experience, protection for that which was always presented as wrong. I could never understand how it would feel to be in the shoes of my ex, maybe she felt some of those things as well, that I had decided to deceive her.
What I did enjoy is the brutal feeling of loneliness and depression - it felt accurate, and it resonated with me. It was interesting to read the point of view of the partner, even though I found some of her feelings and thoughts to be quite problematic.
It was a quick, easy read, although with some confronting scenes of depression and suicidal thought. I think the diary entry style helped with conveying a lot of those feelings.
As a trans woman who went through a situation where coming out caused the destruction of an 11 year relationship. I found myself deeply frustrated with some of the actions of the narrator. The feelings when her partner began transitioning, as though the partner had been inauthentic, on purpose, and not, as it was with my experience, protection for that which was always presented as wrong. I could never understand how it would feel to be in the shoes of my ex, maybe she felt some of those things as well, that I had decided to deceive her.
What I did enjoy is the brutal feeling of loneliness and depression - it felt accurate, and it resonated with me. It was interesting to read the point of view of the partner, even though I found some of her feelings and thoughts to be quite problematic.
It was a quick, easy read, although with some confronting scenes of depression and suicidal thought. I think the diary entry style helped with conveying a lot of those feelings.
July 17, 2021
This is just awful. I don’t agree that it ~shouldn’t be written or anything and I think there are enough books in the world that everyone can have their story told. Here’s hoping everyone is more capable in doing it justice. I think the diary entry/emails structure is lazy and it’s full of cliches and reads like whoever wrote it isn’t a reader at all. Also kept alluding to deeper, more personal issues for Emma to explore which were just throwaway lines? I don’t like leaving mean reviews lol and I rarely do it but this is really shockingly not good.
July 26, 2021
Like I'm sure many people probably where, I was drawn to this book and it's subject matter - heralded as insightful, "a psychological master class", and as a winner of a prestigious literary award, I was excited to read this.
However, I didn't find this book to be any of those things. Being about the breakdown of a long term relationship as one character transitions, this book is told from the perspective of Emma the cis partner. I found overall the story seemed to paint Emma's partner's transition in a very negative light; the entire focus of the story is Emma's own suffering. Which in part I understand as to why as it's told from her perspective and the book concerns complex issues, but goodness was I disappointed by Emma's lack of empathy and how self-absorbed she was throughout the book. The entire thing just felt very insensitive, and as a result I found it really hard to empathize with Emma.
The structure itself is also quite frustrating. In the form of emails and diary entries, the book isn't quite nuanced enough for its subject matter and I found it to be quite repetitive. Emma mostly recounts events, and in not that much detail, instead of going into her thoughts and feelings and evaluating them. Obviously as this is told entirely from Emma's perspective, he partner's correspondence isn't included. This only really served to heighten my curiosity about how her partner was feeling and what she was going through. I would be much more interested reading about this story from Emma's partners' perspective.
Personally, I think this subject matter deserves more nuance and respect then this novel offers.
If you are looking to inform and educate yourself on trans experiences and stories, this is not the story to do that.
Even from the perspective of mental illness and the impacts it can have on ourselves and in turn our relationships, much like every other theme in this novel, its just not explored or delved into in any significant way.
Potential trigger warnings include - borderline transphobia, themes of mental illness and suicide.
However, I didn't find this book to be any of those things. Being about the breakdown of a long term relationship as one character transitions, this book is told from the perspective of Emma the cis partner. I found overall the story seemed to paint Emma's partner's transition in a very negative light; the entire focus of the story is Emma's own suffering. Which in part I understand as to why as it's told from her perspective and the book concerns complex issues, but goodness was I disappointed by Emma's lack of empathy and how self-absorbed she was throughout the book. The entire thing just felt very insensitive, and as a result I found it really hard to empathize with Emma.
The structure itself is also quite frustrating. In the form of emails and diary entries, the book isn't quite nuanced enough for its subject matter and I found it to be quite repetitive. Emma mostly recounts events, and in not that much detail, instead of going into her thoughts and feelings and evaluating them. Obviously as this is told entirely from Emma's perspective, he partner's correspondence isn't included. This only really served to heighten my curiosity about how her partner was feeling and what she was going through. I would be much more interested reading about this story from Emma's partners' perspective.
Personally, I think this subject matter deserves more nuance and respect then this novel offers.
If you are looking to inform and educate yourself on trans experiences and stories, this is not the story to do that.
Even from the perspective of mental illness and the impacts it can have on ourselves and in turn our relationships, much like every other theme in this novel, its just not explored or delved into in any significant way.
Potential trigger warnings include - borderline transphobia, themes of mental illness and suicide.
May 16, 2021
I read this in one go and was unable to put it down. This is a realistic love story about the discovery of ones partner as transgender spanning over the course of 18 months. Ultimately, the story is an exploration on ones identity through grief, trauma but also unconditional love. I thoroughly enjoyed this experience. I feel like at times Emma blamed herself for being selfish for prioritising her own feelings whilst her partner is going through their transition but that is so valid. I dislike how society make us feel guilty for taking care of ourselves, because how are we meant to take care of others when we are a mess...
August 1, 2021
It's un-put-down-able. Moving. Real. Vulnerable. I read it in one sitting. I cried a lot. I loved how raw it felt. It's so rare that someone bares their soul, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I found the honesty beautiful. The depiction of depression was startingly real and true to my own experience.
October 11, 2021
This was… bad. I had high hopes from the blurb and topic matter, and I’m sad ‘cause I love to support local authors, but I really can’t say much positive about this book.
This could have been an interesting and insightful portrayal of the experience of a partner transitioning. What we got was self-centred journal entries that read like they were written by a thirteen year old, not a thirty year old. At best this work comes across as “raw” and “unedited” (literally unedited, it feels). At worst it reveals the author to be incredibly immature and frankly manipulative, and is unkind, unsympathetic and potentially damaging to trans readers. The amount of blame she put on her partner was shocking.
It’s not that partner experiences aren’t important to convey in transition stories, but I expected a level of intelligence, nuance and sensitivity taken to this topic that was non-existent in this work. It was entirely centred on the cisgendered partner, who kept referring to herself as an empath but showed surprisingly little empathy, understanding, or self reflection beyond validating herself and her feelings and how badly she’d been treated. The actual writing was also atrocious. Mentioning random characters that we never saw again, constantly over explaining things, clumsy and cliche descriptions.
Overall this left me with a really bad taste in my mouth, and in my opinion it’s a work that should have stayed in the personal journals. If you’re interested in this experience/topic but want something actually well written I would recommend the memoir ‘Love Lives Here’ by Amanda Jette Knox instead. ‘Now That I See You’ is not worth your time.
This could have been an interesting and insightful portrayal of the experience of a partner transitioning. What we got was self-centred journal entries that read like they were written by a thirteen year old, not a thirty year old. At best this work comes across as “raw” and “unedited” (literally unedited, it feels). At worst it reveals the author to be incredibly immature and frankly manipulative, and is unkind, unsympathetic and potentially damaging to trans readers. The amount of blame she put on her partner was shocking.
It’s not that partner experiences aren’t important to convey in transition stories, but I expected a level of intelligence, nuance and sensitivity taken to this topic that was non-existent in this work. It was entirely centred on the cisgendered partner, who kept referring to herself as an empath but showed surprisingly little empathy, understanding, or self reflection beyond validating herself and her feelings and how badly she’d been treated. The actual writing was also atrocious. Mentioning random characters that we never saw again, constantly over explaining things, clumsy and cliche descriptions.
Overall this left me with a really bad taste in my mouth, and in my opinion it’s a work that should have stayed in the personal journals. If you’re interested in this experience/topic but want something actually well written I would recommend the memoir ‘Love Lives Here’ by Amanda Jette Knox instead. ‘Now That I See You’ is not worth your time.
June 6, 2021
Reviewed by Kelly
I read this in one go and was unable to put it down. This is a realistic love story about the discovery of ones partner as transgender spanning over the course of 18 months. Ultimately, the story is an exploration on ones identity through grief, trauma but also unconditional love. I thoroughly enjoyed this experience. I feel like at times Emma blamed herself for being selfish for prioritising her own feelings whilst her partner is going through their transition but that is so valid. I dislike how society make us feel guilty for taking care of ourselves, because how are we meant to take care of others when we are a mess...
I read this in one go and was unable to put it down. This is a realistic love story about the discovery of ones partner as transgender spanning over the course of 18 months. Ultimately, the story is an exploration on ones identity through grief, trauma but also unconditional love. I thoroughly enjoyed this experience. I feel like at times Emma blamed herself for being selfish for prioritising her own feelings whilst her partner is going through their transition but that is so valid. I dislike how society make us feel guilty for taking care of ourselves, because how are we meant to take care of others when we are a mess...
November 29, 2021
‘I found some hairs last night. Long and dark. Glaring at me against the white tiles of the bathroom floor.’
In brief, this is a story about a relationship breakdown which occurred after one partner tells the other that they are transgender. What started as a relationship between a man and a woman fails when the man becomes a woman. Emma, whose story this is, finds it very hard to let go. The story unfolds over a period of eighteen months and is told in three parts: ‘Us’, ‘Them’ and ‘Me’. Emma, as part of ‘Us’ struggles with Jess’s disclosure and tries to think of ways to accommodate Jess’s change within her own needs. But Jess needs space to rediscover themselves and to make a new life.
We have only Emma’s perspective through her thoughts, diary entries and eMails to Jess. Jess is essentially silent. While that is okay — it is Emma’s story — it made it difficult for me to get any real sense of who Jess is.
‘It is curious how devoted we are to binary thinking, both in terms of gender and sexuality. Actually, not just binary thinking but traditional thinking. If you are a woman, you must be attracted to men. If you were initially attracted to men, you must always be attracted to them. We struggle with the in-between spaces, the grey areas that change. Anything that subverts the norm, really.’
Emma grieves for the loss of her relationship with Jess and while I felt sympathy for her, initially I wanted to know how Jess was feeling. But I guess that is another story. Relationships change over a lifetime: children become adults, form their own significant relationships, some become parents, the cycle repeats. But these relationships are usually lived out within specific binary gender constraints. And so, I am forced to think about how relationships formed within those constraints are challenged (and often broken) if one partner’s role changes.
‘I am a casualty of your quest for self-exploration.’
A challenging and thought-provoking read.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
In brief, this is a story about a relationship breakdown which occurred after one partner tells the other that they are transgender. What started as a relationship between a man and a woman fails when the man becomes a woman. Emma, whose story this is, finds it very hard to let go. The story unfolds over a period of eighteen months and is told in three parts: ‘Us’, ‘Them’ and ‘Me’. Emma, as part of ‘Us’ struggles with Jess’s disclosure and tries to think of ways to accommodate Jess’s change within her own needs. But Jess needs space to rediscover themselves and to make a new life.
We have only Emma’s perspective through her thoughts, diary entries and eMails to Jess. Jess is essentially silent. While that is okay — it is Emma’s story — it made it difficult for me to get any real sense of who Jess is.
‘It is curious how devoted we are to binary thinking, both in terms of gender and sexuality. Actually, not just binary thinking but traditional thinking. If you are a woman, you must be attracted to men. If you were initially attracted to men, you must always be attracted to them. We struggle with the in-between spaces, the grey areas that change. Anything that subverts the norm, really.’
Emma grieves for the loss of her relationship with Jess and while I felt sympathy for her, initially I wanted to know how Jess was feeling. But I guess that is another story. Relationships change over a lifetime: children become adults, form their own significant relationships, some become parents, the cycle repeats. But these relationships are usually lived out within specific binary gender constraints. And so, I am forced to think about how relationships formed within those constraints are challenged (and often broken) if one partner’s role changes.
‘I am a casualty of your quest for self-exploration.’
A challenging and thought-provoking read.
Jennifer Cameron-Smith
May 4, 2021
I sat and read this book from start to finish in one day. Based loosely on the authors own personal experience, this book is about Emma and how she copes with her long term partner telling her that he is wanting to transition to a woman. It is raw, honest and heart wrenching as the main character Emma digs deep with her love, to be the support that Jess needs in their time of change. The writing is extremely strong in its simplicity, and I felt so attached to both characters and their personal experiences in this time of change. I really enjoyed the story being told from the perspective of the partner and how they are coping through the loss of their relationship. Highly recommended!!
July 14, 2021
I really disliked this book and I’m struggling to understand how it merits a literary award, of all things. Despite the content being relatively unique in that we haven’t had many stories from the POV of a partner of a person transitioning (this is a first for me) the actual diary entries themselves were quite mundane and lacking in any particular literary merit that I could glean. And so frustrating! I could barely stand how much Emma was wallowing in her self pity and determination to “be a good person” and “an empath” when it seemed very clear that what she wanted to do the whole time is stamp her feet and yell, but it’s not fair!
August 30, 2021
Or: how to not support a trans partner
Big transphobic undercurrents and felt like a big entitled whinge from the author. I hate to think that people will read this and think it’s a normal reaction to a partner coming out as trans. At a time where there are already so few trans voices/stories being published, I don’t know that this book needs to be taking up the space that it is. Beyond disappointed
Big transphobic undercurrents and felt like a big entitled whinge from the author. I hate to think that people will read this and think it’s a normal reaction to a partner coming out as trans. At a time where there are already so few trans voices/stories being published, I don’t know that this book needs to be taking up the space that it is. Beyond disappointed
January 5, 2022
A seemingly happily married couple. Then one day the husband announces that he is uncomfortable in his own skin, and that he is transgender.
This wonderful story is told by the wife in the form of journal entries and emails that she sends.
At times, very compassionate, and at others wondering what she did wrong, this tale raises questions including "What if this was me?"
This wonderful story is told by the wife in the form of journal entries and emails that she sends.
At times, very compassionate, and at others wondering what she did wrong, this tale raises questions including "What if this was me?"
December 22, 2023
I'm still processing this book so rating may change but initial thoughts: I think book is more damaging than helpful. I know that complex stories should be told and diverse perspectives are necessary but this book is so raw and intentionally does not reflect on the things it puts forward that I think it hurts far more than it should.
Relationships like these are no doubt incredibly difficult to navigate. I think that they bring our deep emotions and new sides of everyone involved and those stories deserved to be told, but not like this. Batchelor puts forward a diary style reflection of her own experience and it feels that there are almost no revisions from the feelings she had in the moment. There is no external narrative voice or space that allows for reflection or evaluation. There is no perspective from the other side of the relationship. We only see the emotional turmoil that Emma experiences through the events.
What she feels is painful and I can empathise with her experience. However, given Batchelor is writing about a marginalised group, I think more time should have been spent building a narrative that does reflect on its themes and messages. The writing could be sensitive to how characters are portrayed and what ideas readers will take away. Instead we get something dramatic and moving but ultimately underdeveloped and damaging to an identity already so misrepresented and hurt by media portrayals.
Relationships like these are no doubt incredibly difficult to navigate. I think that they bring our deep emotions and new sides of everyone involved and those stories deserved to be told, but not like this. Batchelor puts forward a diary style reflection of her own experience and it feels that there are almost no revisions from the feelings she had in the moment. There is no external narrative voice or space that allows for reflection or evaluation. There is no perspective from the other side of the relationship. We only see the emotional turmoil that Emma experiences through the events.
What she feels is painful and I can empathise with her experience. However, given Batchelor is writing about a marginalised group, I think more time should have been spent building a narrative that does reflect on its themes and messages. The writing could be sensitive to how characters are portrayed and what ideas readers will take away. Instead we get something dramatic and moving but ultimately underdeveloped and damaging to an identity already so misrepresented and hurt by media portrayals.
December 4, 2021
Wow . I just hated this book . I know it’s a horrible word . But this was 200 pages of whinging about poor me, me, me. I was hoping this would be an informative celebratory story perhaps of one trans woman’s journey but we got her partners tirade . it was a broken down romance and the break down of an incredibly annoying self serving partner who can’t come to terms with the loss of her partner . It was just endless - page after page or crying and hand holding. Boo ! Hiss !
June 19, 2021
I was expecting to learn more about real life experiences of transitioning and this was not that. Not my cup of tea.
July 14, 2021
This book is a complete poor me by the author - bordering on transphobic
November 8, 2021
This was just. Kind of. Awful. Unfortunately, it appears that they are still together given the authors bio. Mercifully fast to read.
September 11, 2021
Now That I See You is deeply touching, written with a fluid and simple style yet it is beautiful and emotive in spite of its simplicity. The negative comments are rather unfair. If you have been considering buying this book but are put off by highly unjust, exceedingly harsh, subjective critiques uttered here by some readers; do yourself a favour and make sure to also read the positive reviews and then go ahead, buy this book or borrow it from your local library. As you can see most readers have given this book 4 stars, and you
probably don’t have much to lose if you read this book or at least start reading it. This is not what I will consider pure fiction, because. as you progress in your reading you realise that what you are following is mostly the author’s personal experience narrated here in a slightly fictionalised manner. It is therefore told from Emma’s point of view, who in a way, it is also ‘transitioning’ as her partner Jess transitions from man to woman.
Emma is not judgemental of Jess’s new found identity (or should I say ‘they’, since Jess, Emma’s partner, prefers to be addressed as ‘they’). Emma is honest, she is confused and perhaps slightly disappointed, but she is also accepting, flexible, and loving. I believe that Emma responds to the situation better than most people would do; definitely better than I would do in her position as I could not stay married with someone who is transitioning because I am definitely heterosexual, not pansexual.
Emma is resilient but she is also flawed, she is not a robot, she has feelings and she too has the right to feel, doesn’t she? Alas, her account and her feelings are unfairly criticised by many readers here. Some reviews are really vicious, insulting, and even dangerous; and I am glad not to know the people who wrote those reviews, I would hate to be surrounded by or be friend of people who are extremely judgemental and patronising and come across as bitter and venomous. Nowadays people are too quick to use words than end up with ‘phobic’. I am an academic and I am tired of correcting people when they misuse terms. I have given up on it. You can’t reason with people who seem happy to be obtuse or prefer to remain ignorant.
Back to the book; there is absolutely nothing transphobic about this book (unless you love drama and believe asking one-self question and analysing the other person’s behaviour is transphobic). Rather, it is the opposite: a boom that will help the reader understand non-binary people much better. Obviously, when a person is closely involved there are always questions, what would be strange would be not having any questions. Precisely because of this Emma’s sincerity as much as her almost-delusional and self-destructive take of her situation stand out! I bet it took her a lot of courage to reveal so much about her self and to acknowledge her deepest thoughts and personal conflicts.
I highly recommend Now That I See You. Please keep in mind that I don’t rate books based on the awards they receive, for I often find myself disagreeing with the critics and their high praises. In this case I believe the awards are deserving.
probably don’t have much to lose if you read this book or at least start reading it. This is not what I will consider pure fiction, because. as you progress in your reading you realise that what you are following is mostly the author’s personal experience narrated here in a slightly fictionalised manner. It is therefore told from Emma’s point of view, who in a way, it is also ‘transitioning’ as her partner Jess transitions from man to woman.
Emma is not judgemental of Jess’s new found identity (or should I say ‘they’, since Jess, Emma’s partner, prefers to be addressed as ‘they’). Emma is honest, she is confused and perhaps slightly disappointed, but she is also accepting, flexible, and loving. I believe that Emma responds to the situation better than most people would do; definitely better than I would do in her position as I could not stay married with someone who is transitioning because I am definitely heterosexual, not pansexual.
Emma is resilient but she is also flawed, she is not a robot, she has feelings and she too has the right to feel, doesn’t she? Alas, her account and her feelings are unfairly criticised by many readers here. Some reviews are really vicious, insulting, and even dangerous; and I am glad not to know the people who wrote those reviews, I would hate to be surrounded by or be friend of people who are extremely judgemental and patronising and come across as bitter and venomous. Nowadays people are too quick to use words than end up with ‘phobic’. I am an academic and I am tired of correcting people when they misuse terms. I have given up on it. You can’t reason with people who seem happy to be obtuse or prefer to remain ignorant.
Back to the book; there is absolutely nothing transphobic about this book (unless you love drama and believe asking one-self question and analysing the other person’s behaviour is transphobic). Rather, it is the opposite: a boom that will help the reader understand non-binary people much better. Obviously, when a person is closely involved there are always questions, what would be strange would be not having any questions. Precisely because of this Emma’s sincerity as much as her almost-delusional and self-destructive take of her situation stand out! I bet it took her a lot of courage to reveal so much about her self and to acknowledge her deepest thoughts and personal conflicts.
I highly recommend Now That I See You. Please keep in mind that I don’t rate books based on the awards they receive, for I often find myself disagreeing with the critics and their high praises. In this case I believe the awards are deserving.
August 19, 2022
I want to start by highlighting that Now That I See You is autofiction, which means it’s blend between autobiography and fiction. This means that the line between what is fact and what is fiction is blurred, and we don’t really know where the narrator ends and the author begins. We do do know though that Batchelor has lived the experience described in the book, of having her partner partner come out as trans, and as I read her story/the story of her narrator, I was continuously struck by how open and honest and raw the writing was, and really what a gift to readers it is for a writer to trust them with an experience in such a vulnerable way. The book isn’t a guide on what to do if your partner comes out, or an inspirational story about two women fighting to save their relationship through these changes – and nor does it promise or try to be. For me I felt like so much of the heart in Batchelor’s writing came from the honesty, and the fact that she doesn’t shy away from or try to cover up times when the narrator might have reacted or behaved differently. Rather, to me, it felt like the true uncensored gut reactions and thoughts of someone in the situation.
I felt like the diary entry/email format worked really well for the intimacy of the situation that unfolds – it was a really perfect way for the honesty of the words to feel natural. While the actual events – having a partner disclose that they are transgender – are really quite specific, I felt like there was a lot to relate to in the story. Grief and love and self doubt and worries about how to navigate supporting someone you love through something big are all so universal and I really think many readers will see themselves in parts of the story.
It’s always a bit weird to say that I ��enjoyed’ a book that focuses on heavy or difficult topics like grief and loss, but I will say that I was so moved and engaged by this story, and I feel better for having read it. I’m looking forward to whatever Batchelor writes next.
I felt like the diary entry/email format worked really well for the intimacy of the situation that unfolds – it was a really perfect way for the honesty of the words to feel natural. While the actual events – having a partner disclose that they are transgender – are really quite specific, I felt like there was a lot to relate to in the story. Grief and love and self doubt and worries about how to navigate supporting someone you love through something big are all so universal and I really think many readers will see themselves in parts of the story.
It’s always a bit weird to say that I ��enjoyed’ a book that focuses on heavy or difficult topics like grief and loss, but I will say that I was so moved and engaged by this story, and I feel better for having read it. I’m looking forward to whatever Batchelor writes next.
October 19, 2022
Looking back on my experience reading this book, I would probably dock a star and leave it at 2/5.
First and foremost, the premise of the novel was fantastic. I think that the world can only benefit from getting more explorations into the intricacies of gender and sexual expression, but this particular attempt was not well executed.
I acknowledge that as a piece of autofiction, there is only so much the author could change without it completely falling into the realm of fiction, but ...wow. Everything was so insanely repetitive. The narrative started out strong but quickly tumbled into this cycle of 'I love you I love you I love you I'm a horrible person I'm a despicable partner I love you I love you How dare you! How dare you!' Now, of course this kind of stuff could be an apt representation of a complex relationship, but the way the relationship was written was just abysmal.
I will not pretend to know what truly happened between the author and their partner, Jess, but I personally feel as though it was either just written poorly or the relationship is seriously toxic. I won't go too into detail about my thoughts on the relationship as these are real people being discussed but I don't understand why the author would choose to represent their love this way?
I also really hated that we got little-to-no exploration of Jess or their feelings. I understand that it would potentially be unethical to take on the perspective of a trans individual when you yourself are cis but at a certain point the novel turned into a full on bashing of Jess, someone who was experiencing one of the most difficult transitions in life. Suffice to say the novel would've benefited from some insight into what Jess was saying and doing rather than just having the partner's reactions to everything we weren't seeing.
P.S. what the HELL was with the author saying "Sometimes I wish Jess was dead"? What a strange fucking thought to have about a partner transitioning.
Overall, the idea behind the novel was great but the execution was truly lacking.
First and foremost, the premise of the novel was fantastic. I think that the world can only benefit from getting more explorations into the intricacies of gender and sexual expression, but this particular attempt was not well executed.
I acknowledge that as a piece of autofiction, there is only so much the author could change without it completely falling into the realm of fiction, but ...wow. Everything was so insanely repetitive. The narrative started out strong but quickly tumbled into this cycle of 'I love you I love you I love you I'm a horrible person I'm a despicable partner I love you I love you How dare you! How dare you!' Now, of course this kind of stuff could be an apt representation of a complex relationship, but the way the relationship was written was just abysmal.
I will not pretend to know what truly happened between the author and their partner, Jess, but I personally feel as though it was either just written poorly or the relationship is seriously toxic. I won't go too into detail about my thoughts on the relationship as these are real people being discussed but I don't understand why the author would choose to represent their love this way?
I also really hated that we got little-to-no exploration of Jess or their feelings. I understand that it would potentially be unethical to take on the perspective of a trans individual when you yourself are cis but at a certain point the novel turned into a full on bashing of Jess, someone who was experiencing one of the most difficult transitions in life. Suffice to say the novel would've benefited from some insight into what Jess was saying and doing rather than just having the partner's reactions to everything we weren't seeing.
P.S. what the HELL was with the author saying "Sometimes I wish Jess was dead"? What a strange fucking thought to have about a partner transitioning.
Overall, the idea behind the novel was great but the execution was truly lacking.
January 29, 2023
This was a tricky one. The first two thirds read as a couple trying to re-negotiate their relationship after one confesses they are transgender and how big changes can affect both parties. I heard Emma speak at a writers festival and she touched on wanting to write something to help partners of those transitioning as there wasn’t much literature out there for her, as a supporting partner, when she was going through her journey. I do definitely think she achieved that goal in this first part. However, the last third had a very different feel and read as a very mentally unstable woman struggling respecting a break up and boundaries set in place. There was a lack of awareness in each diary entry and some serious pressure being put on her ex partner to continue meeting her every emotional need despite their clear intention of wanting the relationship and communication to end. Very hard to read and soured the book for me.
November 15, 2021
I found this book very unique as it shows how the coming out of a transgender woman affects the relationship they had with their partner. I found the use of the POV of the partner was really insightful as we tend to only focus on the journey of the person transitioning, but it is also a transition for their closest people too. This is a emotional but powerful novel about love, losses and grief
Read
July 5, 2025hate-read this bc wtf
June 17, 2021
If anything in this review raises issues for you, help is available at Beyond Blue.
***
Sometimes, when we enter into a relationship, we don't really understand that it will change us in ways we didn't expect. New parents, for example, at first often don't fully realise that they haven't just had to change their lifestyle, but that having a child changes them and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. Most of these transformations are No Big Deal; they are the stuff of ordinary life. Others are more difficult: Amanda Lohrey's novel Labyrinth, for example, explores the impact on the mother of a man who has committed a heinous crime. She is devastated by what he did to his victims, yet she still loves him so she wants to support him through his guilt and shame and anguish. But her life is ruined too, and she has to change her ways of thinking and behaving. That journey to find some solace is depicted with great empathy, (and the novel has just been shortlisted for the 2021 Miles Franklin Award).
But what if the relationship that brings you joy and comfort and a sense of security alters beyond recognition and makes demands of you that you struggle to adapt to? That alters everything, that challenges your own sense of self? In a stunning work of autofiction, ACT author Emma Batchelor has won the 2021 Vogel Prize with her novel Now That I See You, which traces her own real-life journey to come to terms with her partner's transition from male to female.
Without diminishing the intensity of the transition process for the person undertaking it, what the novel shows is that this transition is very difficult for everyone in the circle of lovers, family and friends. No one can have sole ownership of its implications.
Narrated in the first-person, the journey is scaffolded through Emma's journals, emails and letters in a collage of three parts: Us (Discovery; and Aftershock); Them (Build-up; Suspension; and After); and Me (Now; and Possibility). Each of these three parts begins by revisiting in the third person the earlier stages of their relationship—the awkwardness of first meeting, negotiating those precious first moments of intimacy and learning to be a couple. Emma and Jess have been together for six years, but the story tells how over 18 months from Jess's disclosure to transition, the relationship crumbles under the strain and impacts on the mental health of them both.
Emma, who works in theatre management, is almost thirty, and contented in her relationship with Jess. They share many interests in common, and they are buying a home together. And then there is an awkwardness between them, and small signs that something is different. When Jess finally articulates that he feels more comfortable in women's clothing, Emma thinks she can accommodate this, and they have fun together in private at home. She shares her clothes and teaches him how to do make-up and how to paint his nails. She realises that she needs to educate herself about this situation and invests a lot of time in reading up about what it might mean for both of them. But because he isn't ready to tell anyone else, it has to be a secret, and it's not in Emma's nature to be secretive.
To read the rest of my review please visit https://anzlitlovers.com/2021/06/18/n...
May 23, 2021
Now That I See You is raw, blunt and emotional. At times I felt that I was invading on something incredibly personal but yet I couldn’t stop reading. This year’s winner of The Australian/Vogel’s award is a no holds barred story of auto-fiction from the perspective of one partner after her partner Jess decides to transition to a female.
The story is told by Emma through a series of diary entries and emails to her partner Jess (to explain what she couldn’t say out aloud). Emma thought that she and Jess were a happy couple, but when Jess announces that they want to transition from male to female, her world is destroyed. She goes through multiple emotions, from anger to grief to pushing Jess away and then wanting Jess close again. The story is told from Emma’s eyes alone, which of course makes it one-sided and doesn’t give Jess a right of reply. Perhaps that is what makes the story so powerful is that the reader has to imagine themselves in Emma’s place and decide who (if anyone) is being unreasonable. It also asks the question to the reader as to what they would do if they were in Emma or Jess’ place. Would their reactions be the same? Could they move on? Could they support their partner? Both Emma and Jess (through Emma’s viewpoint) expose their vulnerabilities when trying to cope with a life changing event. I can’t say that I always agreed with Emma’s feelings, but a diary is the one place where someone can present their naked thoughts without a filter. Jess and Emma has very different ideas of what constituted support (again, through Emma’s eyes) that caused conflict.
The writing in this novel conveys the emotions so well that they jump off the page into the heart of the reader. It’s not an easy story to tell, especially in terms of auto-fiction. The language is simple and captures the essence of those emotions, uncomfortable as they may be. It’s a short read, but a memorable one.
Thank you to Allen & Unwin for the copy of this book. My review is honest.
http://samstillreading.wordpress.com
The story is told by Emma through a series of diary entries and emails to her partner Jess (to explain what she couldn’t say out aloud). Emma thought that she and Jess were a happy couple, but when Jess announces that they want to transition from male to female, her world is destroyed. She goes through multiple emotions, from anger to grief to pushing Jess away and then wanting Jess close again. The story is told from Emma’s eyes alone, which of course makes it one-sided and doesn’t give Jess a right of reply. Perhaps that is what makes the story so powerful is that the reader has to imagine themselves in Emma’s place and decide who (if anyone) is being unreasonable. It also asks the question to the reader as to what they would do if they were in Emma or Jess’ place. Would their reactions be the same? Could they move on? Could they support their partner? Both Emma and Jess (through Emma’s viewpoint) expose their vulnerabilities when trying to cope with a life changing event. I can’t say that I always agreed with Emma’s feelings, but a diary is the one place where someone can present their naked thoughts without a filter. Jess and Emma has very different ideas of what constituted support (again, through Emma’s eyes) that caused conflict.
The writing in this novel conveys the emotions so well that they jump off the page into the heart of the reader. It’s not an easy story to tell, especially in terms of auto-fiction. The language is simple and captures the essence of those emotions, uncomfortable as they may be. It’s a short read, but a memorable one.
Thank you to Allen & Unwin for the copy of this book. My review is honest.
http://samstillreading.wordpress.com
August 9, 2021
Like many of the other reviewers, I was hoping to gain more insight into this sensitive subject matter. Instead, I found it a self-indulgent whinge, told mostly too often from only one point of view. The author focusses on how she felt, and I understand that would have been a difficult situation in which to find oneself. However, Jess' feelings are not really considered and when he makes a request which may help him, he is often painted as selfish for not acquiescing to Emma's demands. Emma cannot step back from her lost relationship and accept that much of it is a lost cause. Her insistence that her love is eternal and that Jess should return it, whatever the cost, gets very tedious and at times borders on naivete. Yes, it is a brave book, and parts of it are beautifully written. However, I find the email format and juxtaposition confusing, and whilst I acknowledge the need for the non-gendered pronouns, it makes for a confusing read at times, especially one part where the author is relating the happenings of Jess' night out with friends. Too many references to "they" and "them" - had to read back several times to see just who was being spoken about. And there was the sudden introduction of a character with no context as to where that friend fitted in. I did finish it, because I hoped to find some conclusion, but didn't really.
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